Self Insertion
by Morden Night
Summary: I and my goofy, chauvenistic, best friend get sucked into the world of Ranma 1/2. Soon we're on a trip through many different worlds. Full of Magic, Technology... and some other stuff. If anyone has been wondering why my progress has been exceptionally slow it's because I'm in school right now taking Animation. Any SI scenes people would like to see animated?
1. A World and a Half

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Self Insertion   
  


This is a self insertion fic. It's pretty much me and my friend get into a Sliders type mix up. Cept we go to worlds like Animes and Cartoons and Movies and other stuff. Both of us are writing it as well so the Genre will fluctuate. Be warned, be afraid, be readin' my story please. And enjoy.   
  


Disclaimer: I don't own nothin! Cept me!   
  


* *: Thoughts   
  


[ ]: Chinese   
  


Capital letters: Shouting or loud noises   
  


_ _: Stressed words   
  


~ ~: Computer messages   
  


{ }: Josh's own thoughts   
  


( ): Evan's own thoughts and location   
  


Chapter 1   
  


A World and a Half   
  


Josh sat at the computers at school looking bored. This was probably because he was _bored_. He typed in a message on Yahoo messenger to a person named rokogan_ninja. The message read: ~Hey WAASSSSAAAPPP!! Have you been reading my fics? I need ideas bad.~ Josh looked across the table at somebody with black hair who was looking equally as bored. A message came back a few seconds later on Josh's screen.   
  


~Yeah I been reading yo fics fool, I have no ikea what to do, you be the writer punk...~ Josh frowned at the message.   
  


*Damn it! How am I gonna write these damn fics if I don't get any ideas!?!....Poogaly* Josh thought for a second and typed in another message. ~What you working on now? Need any ideas?~ Josh waited a few seconds and then the message screen popped up once again with his instant message.   
  


~I'm working on Operation Starscream, I need no ideas from you!!! well I could use something for chap 3.~ Josh looked at the screen and then smiled an idea coming to the fore front of his mind (however small it may be).He typed frantically on the keyboard taking menacing glances at the black haired kid across the room. He pressed the enter button _dramatically_ and the message was sent.   
  


On the other side of the room Evan McNeely received an instant message on Yahoo. ~Oh you think so do you? Well I won't give em!!~ Evan glanced at the message and returned to reading up on missed Tick episodes, then responded. ~YEEEESSS You will!!!~ He wrote glaring at the dirty-blonde kid.   
  


Josh received the message Evan had sent him and laughed this started a chain of laughter from both boys and they continued to send back and forth nonsensical messages of weak and pitiful catch phrases that only they really understood. The finished laughing with a sigh and simultaneously wiping an imaginary tear from their eyes.   
  


Josh ignored Yahoo messenger for a minute and opened Google.com typing in Magic spells onto the search box hoping to find some Slayers stuff. Pressing enter, Josh waiting for the results to come up on screen. The computers Internet was going exceptionally slow today so he passed the time by humming the old spice song. Evan started humming with Josh and Josh stopped nearly as soon as hiss friend started, who kept going none the less.   
  


Josh checked a couple sites that came up on the Google site. He clicked on the third one down being that the first two looked to be porn websites. *Lets see!* He thought. *Oooh magical spells with funny incoherent words! PERFECT!!* Josh clicked on a text box on the window and came up with a spell that read at the top of the page. Viewing of worlds. He read the words in his mind for a bit and laughed. Evan looked up to see what his friend was laughing at.   
  


"What's so funny?" He asked Josh motioned for Evan to come over to where he was.   
  


"Yo Come, ere! Yah gotta see this." Josh said as he turned his computer screen slightly to the side. "This is the funniest crap I ever seen!" Evan got out of his chair ignoring the Tick episodes for the moment vowing to come back to finish what he had started.   
  


"What is it Joshikins?" He said as he walked over to the other side of the table to see the Humourous incantation.   
  


Josh frowned, although he had trouble doing so he had been laughing so hard. "Stop calling me that already! It sounds dumb!" Evan shrugged. Josh motioned to the screen. "Check it out! It's some kinda site that has all these made up spells on it look at the _incantation_ of this one" Josh said as he made quotation mark signs with his hands to stress the word incantation.   
  


Evan read the words out loud as he leaned over to read them. "Wifity snifity, Yahl rahben goulshnektal gill bob nigastro kinmarita lick eesomee pussaatylif Rasha Babba Ganushillmara....(holds in laughter) Irritaglydope dsjweoa shnell!" They both started laughing at the stupid ass words but stopped when the school started shaking violently.   
  


"AAAAAHHH SHIT!! Theres an EARTHQUAKE!!!" Yelled Josh as he jumped out of his chair and dived under the table on which the computers in the computer lab sat. Evan tried to join him but was shoved out violently. "NO _my_ table!" Josh said jokingly although it felt like the school would collapse on their heads.   
  


It all stopped suddenly. Josh poked his head out from underneath the table to look around to see the extent of the damage. "Holy Cow Battyman!" Evan said sarcastically, "It seems we have survived this ordeal to go through another one some other time, Or preferably not."   
  


Josh looked around confused. "What just happened!!??" *------* Evan thought (I don't think very much so there was next to no point to that last part.)   
  


"I think we had a earthquake then it suddenly stopped." said Evan, stating the obvious.   
  


"Well we _know_ that!" Josh said pondering the current events.   
  


All of a sudden an orange coloured hole with dark rigs spiraling around the inside and red streams of lightning like energy opened up in front of the two writers. It was large enough to fit two people easily, It started to expand and grow spiraling rings that seemed to effect the gravity around the pair. Josh and Evan found themselves pulled into the orange hole. "CRAAAAPPPITYYYYYYY!!" Josh yelled as they were sucked in. Evan just screamed incoherence.   
  


**************   
  


(ELSWHERE an possibly ELSEWHEN as well)   
  


In a valley, filled with beautiful springs as far as the eye could see. There was a hut to one corner of the valley, it seemed small and wooden from the distance. Josh and Evan found themselves falling in that peaceful valley, they fell from a height of ten meters into a spring, well Josh landed in the spring. Evan hit the cold hard earth like a stone, leaving an Evan shaped imprint in the ground. "Ooooohhhh." Evan moaned, "Where in sam hell am I!? Well other than in my imprint..." Evan pondered this for a quick second then shrugged it off and crawled out of the hole. "Hey cool!!! We are out of school... Will they call this in...?" Evan wondered as he walked next to a nearby spring to get a drink.   
  


Josh was annoyed although not to much. He had impacted with the water really hard and in a belly flop as well. Not only that but the spring was deep and he had been sent down nearly to the bottom. He swam to the surface frantically as he began to run out of air. *Air, Air, Air, Air, Air, Air, Air, Air, Air!!!!* Was all that he was thinking of at the moment. He broke the surface _dramatically_ startling Evan who was nearby heading for the very spring he was in.   
  


"Aaaaaah." Josh sighed as he breathed the fresh air. "It's good to be alive!" He looked around at the surrounding area. "Hmm This place looks familiar." Josh noticed the higher pitch to _his_ voice. "HUH!" He said in an even higher pitched voice as _he_ looked down at _his_ chest. Which was sporting a pair of _female_ breasts. He could also se in the reflection in the water that his facial features had changed as well to that of a females. "Oooohh! I get it! I'm dreaming. This is the Nyanichuan from Ranma ½, and I just appeared out of the sky and landed in it."   
  


Josh began to chuckle. *Oh I better be right!* He thought. Evan walked over to the spring and looked at his dramatically changed friend.   
  


"Joshikins?" He asked. Josh punched him in the stomach with a frown on her delicate features. Evan nearly fell forward into the same spring but he held back and decided not to.   
  


"I told you _not_ to call me that!" She yelled. *Well I felt that so this is real.* She reasoned with herself in her own mind. "Evan! If you make one stupid comment about my current situation, I will _Kill_ you!" Evan looked confused.   
  


"Situation? What situation?" He asked. Josh turned beet red and punched him in the groin. Evan fell to the ground holding his genitals and squeaking in pain. "Groinal.....area....in pain!" He said. Josh pulled herself out of the spring and shook some of the water out of her overly baggy blue jeans.   
  


"Hey, um Josh, You're a chick." Evan said in general confusion.   
  


"Yes, I have noticed." Josh said as she finished getting the water out of her pants.   
  


"Are we, um, in, say, Ranma?" Evan said as the pieces came together. "And, you fell into that spring, like the one Ranma fell into, and now you're a chick..."   
  


"Basically." Josh commented calmly.   
  


Evan began to laugh. "You're a girl! And I'm not! I fell through the ground and you got turned into a girl! Man you have the worst luck." He said laughing till he fell over.   
  


"I told you I'd kill you didn't I." Josh replied angrily. "And besides I can turn back into my old self with a splash of hot water."   
  


"So... You still a chick if I splash you with cold water, Man I'm seriously loading up on Super Soakers!" He said seeming fairly amused with himself.   
  


Josh sighed and gave up. She walked towards the guides hut so she could get some hot water and hopefully some restraints so Evan couldn't splash her or anything. "Jerk!" She muttered to herself as Evan came jogging up behind her limping strangely because of his broken, um, _limb_. *The word jerk just seemed to be the right word to use in this situation, or rather this world. Josh reasoned.*   
  


Evan muttered a mantra to himself as he limp/jogged up to josh who was now knocking on the small wooden door to the hut. "Ouchity, Ouchity, Ouchity, Ouchity, Ouchity, Ouchity, Ouchity, Ouchity!" He muttered in genuine pain. The guide answered shortly after Josh had knocked. The short, bald, Chinese man looked up at the soaked girl who stood before him. She looked Caucasian so he guessed English would be the appropriate to use.   
  


"What you like Miss? I not giving out food so if hungry find resaurant." He said as he entered back into the hut Josh caught the door as he was about to shut it.   
  


"Wait!" Josh cried. "I just need some hot water! We won't be long." The guide looked at the boy turned girl and made an educated guess on why she needed hot water.   
  


"Oh miss! You fall in Jusenkyo, yes?" He asked. Josh nodded in confirmation.   
  


"Yeah that's about it." She said water dripping off of every part of her now very feminine and beautiful body. The guide took Josh's hand and led her into the hut.   
  


"I get hot water. That reverse curse and return to normal self, yes?" He said. Josh followed behind and just about crashed into the stumpy mans back as he turned around to look at Evan. "You fall into spring to, yes?" He asked. Evan shook his head and squinted his eyes as he smiled.   
  


"No sir! Me no fall in spring. Me just on vacation from school, yes?" He said in a mock Chinese voice. The guide frowned and slammed the door on the arrogant boys nose who fell back holding the newly injured part of his anatomy. "OOOOOOWWWW By node!" He yelled as he lay on the ground rolling back and forth in pain.   
  


*Stupid Americans!* Thought the runty Chinese Jusenkyo guide. *Always saying stupid things! Letting their mouths run faster than their tiny brains!* The guide left Josh in the larger room and walked to the tiny kitchen in his home. He got out a thermos, one of the many he had on stock and held it out to Josh. Who took it and poured it over her head.   
  


*Aaaah that's better.* He thought as he patted himself down to make sure. *It feels weird not having a splong.* Josh nodded his thanks to the guide and left to get Evan and leave. He found Evan on the ground holding his nose and muttering to himself. "Lets go." He said as he walked off expecting his dark haired friend to follow.   
  


Evan didn't disappoint him and he jogged to catch up with him. "Where are we going?" He asked. Josh shrugged his shoulders and continued walking in no general direction.   
  


" Well, I guess we'll head to the Tendo Dojo in Japan." He said Evan nodded.   
  


"Oh. Righty oh then." He replied in a fake British accent. Josh sighed.   
  


"Oh yeah. Don't forget to avoid any thing that might look like a Chinese Amazon." Josh said as he walked along a dirt path towards nowhere in particular.   
  


Evan nodded and our two adventurers headed off into the great unknown new world that they were trapped on. Of course what would self insert story be without problems?   
  


************ 

(Later)   
  


In a small Chinese village somewhere along the coast of China, Josh was now in female form and in a rather skimpy waitress uniform that left not much of anything to the imagination. At the moment she was waiting tables in the packed place. "AAAAGH!" She yelled in surprise as her ass was pinched from behind by one of the more bold customers. *Uuugh!* She thought. *The first thing I do when we get to civilized society is taking a shower! I wish Evan was the cursed one, than he would have been the one to have to take this damn job!*   
  


Josh's thoughts were interrupted when she got a good firm slap on the ass from behind. She jumped and was about to wail the guy one for it but she remembered the thing the owner of the establishment had said when she had been hired.   
  


(FLASHBACK)   
  


["Alright I'll take the girl. She can wait tables this other kid ain't gonna work though."] Josh took out a booklet from her jean pockets and flipped to a page.   
  


["Uhm, Thank you letting us job have."] She said slowly in Chinese with a very broken accent. Josh put the book away and bowed to the man.   
  


["Oh yeah the guy said. No fighting if I even see yah start to get violent I'll be throwin you out!"] The man said roughly before grabbing a waitress uniform and tossing it to Josh. ["You start now! Go get changed girly!"]   
  


Josh didn't fully understand what the man was saying but she knew generally what he was saying. She had picked up a learn Chinese in twelve easy lessons book from a run down old book store. She had been studying it ever since then. She still wasn't a pro but could understand most of what people said.   
  


(Present) Josh lowered her petite fist and just settled for a glare after snatching the tip the man offered her. *Pigs!* She thought. *I can't believe I agreed to this! Well...We did need the money so we could head for Japan.* Josh reasoned with herself as she carried a tray full of dirty dishes to the back room. *Evan had better be looking for more work right now! I want ta get outa this dump as fast as I can!*   
  


********** 

(ELSEWHERE)   
  


Evan is totally smashed off Saki, and was sleeping in an empty alleyway. He had found a knife that he guarded his humble abode with. He was sleeping for less than a minute when some idiot came up and stole his only possession in this world. He awoke with a huge hangover. He stumbled out into the street and was greeted with screams. He then looked down and realized he had no pants. He shrugged and continued down the street, Women passed out and men gawked at his massive "Splong". He fell over and began to sleep in the middle of the street. {Evan wrote this part}   
  


*********   
  


Josh sweated and thought about the many possible stupid things that his friend was probably doing. *That dumb ass probably got drunk and passed out in the street.* She thought as she changed out of her waitress clothes and into her regular jeans and a t-shirt in the back of the shop. She left after picking up her money for the day. She had been working here for three days now. Evan had been found drunk in alleys each time she had finished work. Usually without pants.   
  


Josh runs out of the shop and finds Evan passed out on the street in front of the shop next door. Women gathered around gazing in amazement at the afore mentioned "Splong". Josh grabbed evan by the shirt collar and dragged him about a mile to the out skirts of the town in a small clearing where their small camp was located. "Josh threw Evan into the tent which they had bought from a poor guy for five bucks. "GET DRESSED YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!" Josh yelled. "STOP GETTING _DRUNK_!!! your under age." She finished the last part in an almost whisper.   
  


Evan woke up again at the sound of her voice with an even bigger headache than before."Ooooohhh!" He moaned as he held his head in pain. *I need a drink! That'll calm the pain.*   
  


Josh smacked Evan really hard upside the head. "DAMN IT! I know your thinking of gettin _pasted_ again _moron_! Cut it out!" Evan nodded and passed out from pain.   
  


{By the way we exaggerated Evan's splong. It's actually quite tiny! I've heard the rumors.}   
  


(That's what Josh thinks, many a woman has told me other wise.)   
  


************ 

(The next day)   
  


Evan and Josh were walking into town, Josh heading to her job and Evan originally going to waste all Josh's money on Saki. But a strange twist of fate occurred in the market place. Some of the women from yesterday were intrigued by Evan's massive member and were going to pay big bucks to see it again.   
  


["Hey you, big cock"] said one of the women who recognized him from the day before. ["We will pay you to take off you clothes, 5000 yen or more. No more than 10000 yen though."] 

Evan's eyes glazed over as all the fast Chinese flew over his only English speaking head. "Um Joshikins, What in Sam hell did they just say?" Asked Evan as his eyes returned to normal.   
  


Josh translated quickly and said. "Evan, they want you to take off your clothes for a lot of cash."   
  


"Um isn't that wrong, you know like man whoring?" He said as he thought it over which took next to no time.*Hold up! This is my dream come true! I get paid for sex like things! BOOYA!* He thought. "Josh, tell them I'll do it!"   
  


Josh reluctantly agreed but attempted to convince him otherwise. "I'll do it, but man you have a girlfriend at home. Think about it first. Wait stupid question." Josh said as he remembered that Evan tends not to think. *Hell, look at the last three days its cold, hard proof!* Josh thought about that for a second. *Maybe _hard's_ not the right word to use in this situation.* Josh shrugged and addressed the females.   
  


["He do it, but! Make sure he drink no alcohol! And try not be to talka...tive with him. He no speaka Chinese."] The girls all smiled and giggled Chinese-like. Evan sweated. It seemed an awful lot like Josh was plotting something evil.   
  


*I'm in trouble!* Evan thought as he was walked off by a group of about thirty women. Josh shook his head as he heard Evan scream out in the distance: "I AM THE SEX _KING_!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
  


*Alas poor Evan! I knew him well.* Josh tsked to herself as she headed off to quit her piece of rotten ass job. She walked in and threw the waitress uniform at the guy who ran the place. ["I QUIT!"] Another evil smile crossed her face as she got an idea. She walked out into the dining area where all the patrons sat waiting to be served and yelled out: ["I ACTUALLY A GUYYYYYYYY!!!!!"] She screamed and started cackling madly.   
  


All of the patrons looked at their hands simultaneously and nearly threw up. Josh smiled as she strutted out the front door with a HHHUUUGGGEEE smile on her triumphant face.   
  


(Later at the house of love, namely a shack in the basement on the corner of Gerry's bait shop.)   
  


Evan sighed and rolled over off the huge bed for thirty. "And, I'm spent!" Several of the Chinese women growled at the boy. One of them voiced the thoughts of all of them.   
  


"HEY BOY! We no _finished_ with you! You got fifteen more to go!" the blonde chinese girl said in very broken English. Evan groaned.   
  


"Can't we just cuddle!?!" He whined. The girls all pounced on him with a simultaneous shout of NO! Evan screamed in utter pain and torment, with a hint of pleasure.   
  


*********** 

(ELSWHERE)   
  


Josh looked up from the ground. *What was that?* She thought in confusion. *hmmm? Ill just go and get evan. Our boat leaves in an hour. Luckily {or unluckily} that girl gave me the address that they would be doing the, uh, deed.*   
  


Josh knocked on the door of the house she waited for a few seconds when the door to the small shack flew open nearly knocking her over. A orange and skincoloured blur rushed past grabbing onto her arm and dragging her towards the dock. "RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNN!!!" Screamed the blur named Evan. He pulled the startled Josh along behind him. Josh flapped in the wind like a flag.   
  


*Wow!* the dirty-blonde boy turned girl thought. *apparently just being in an anime world gives us anime physics.* Josh looked back at the mob of half naked women running behind them. "Holy SHIT!" She cried.   
  


Josh repositioned her self and picked Evan up in her arms, then she began running even faster. "Lets not look back now shall we?" She asked a gasping Evan who appeared to be a mass of flesh stretched over top of a skeleton.   
  


"Don, wanna die." Evan said weakly. Josh ran faster seeing as how the women where catching up. "Got...money...now...we..leave...fast." Said Evan in a staggering voice. Josh booked it up the boarding ramp and onto the boat just as the ramp started to rise, trapping the hoard of angered women on the other side. "We... are... safe... now?" asked the skeleton man named Evan as he passed out in Josh's arms.   
  


Josh gracefully threw Evan to the ground and took the 10,000 yen out of his back pocket. *Man I despise going back there.* She grimaced as she groped around for the money. *I am seriously washing my hands then burning any clothing that touches his ,um, end part (also know as an ass.).   
  


The boat headed across the mass of water and Evan slowly regained body matter and consciousness. [ "What is going on here!?!" ] He said in Chinese which he had picked up when having his "rendevous" with the Chinese women. ]"And why was I talking in Chinese?"] He pondered.   
  


"I honestly don't know, but you need to know Japanese now." Josh stated calmly As she looked over her Learn Japanese in twelve easy steps book. "Oh yeah I got you something too." She said.   
  


*Please be Saki! Please be Saki! Please be Saki!* Evan thought hopefully. He was disappointed as he received a book titled: SAA, or Saki Alcoholics Anonymous, and sub titled: how to kick the habit in 5 easy steps. Josh turned around and headed for a cabin. Realizing they got on unnoticed and could possibly ride for free.   
  


************ 

(later in their cabin,((which they had to buy for three thousand yen.)))   
  


Evan sat on the edge of his bed. He looked over at the bed across the room where onna-Josh was snoring loudly, making sure she wasn't just faking it. He looked backed down at this lap and adjusted his glasses. He began to mutter to himself. "I am not worthless, people like me, I am one with god. Saki is not needed to make me feel happy." He looked across to Josh again to make sure once more and continued. "Saki is a drug, an addiction, a weakness."   
  


Evan closed the book and lay back in his bed. *MAN! This stuff makes no sense! Who could understand this gibberish!* just then Josh fell off of her bed and hit the floor with a loud thump. She woke up and looked around groggily.   
  


She rubbed her eyes and stood up off the floor. "I need food." She said as she picked up her glasses off of the night stand that was at the head of her bed. She walked like a zombie towards the door hands extended out in front of her. She left the room and headed for the kitchen. Evan blink blinked.   
  


"Josh sleep walks?" He said as he scratched the back of his head. He walked over and took the learn Japanese book off of Josh's night stand. *Maybe this will put me to sleep.* He sat on the bed and opened to the first page.   
  


"Ohayo......" Evan then was knocked out cold by the boringness of learning Japanese,(Or just learning in general) and his head hit off the bed post with a loud THWACK! He fell to the floor with a thump, much like Josh had done earlier. Only he didn't move. He was snoring like a baby, er, a chainsaw. {yeah that's the ticket!},(Actually I sound like a chainsaw strapped to a bear when I snore but chainsaw will do...for now)   
  


********** 

(The next day)   
  


Josh woke up to a pleasant sight. A lot of food lay before her on a table. "Hey!" she said. "This is better than waking up beside Angelina Jolie!" She exclaimed as she began to eat all the food in Ranma ½ speed. Josh then just realized something. *Hey! Isn't this like not allowed on the ship. Didn't they say not to go near the kitchen?* Josh pondered that for a short second. *Oh well!* She then proceeded to load all of the contents of the table into a large bag and carried it back to her room.   
  


*Hee, hee, hee!* She thought as she crept down the hall to bunk number 98a. She spotted Evan on the floor, with the learn to speak Japanese book laying on top of his face. "Well I'll be! He actually decided to learn something useful...Will wonders never cease?" Josh walked over and nudged her friend awake, or tried to.   
  


She tried several things {non violent.} to wake the boy up but nothing worked. She decided to use violence and kicked him in the head. {the least sensitive part of his anatomy}(least important too!) Evan finally awoke. Josh opened the bag to his mouth and he woke up fully from the smell. "Ohayo!" He said to Josh. Josh said same back and he set out the food on a place mat on the floor that she pulled out of nowhere.   
  


"Yeah apparently I got some food last night. You like?" She asked Evan who started drooling at the sight of the feast.   
  


"Foooooood!" Evan jumped into the pile devouring anything he could see. Josh joined him not wanting to be left out.   
  


The meal ended with the two friends fighting tooth and claw for the last chicken leg. Which was being pulled apart by both combatant's teeth. Josh's feminine eyes were filled with blood lust. Evans were filled with, um, Evan-ness. {goofy eyes like the Simpsons}(Teacher! I ate my Crayon!!) {remember when you saw snagglepuss in the play ground Ralphy?}(he was going to the bathroom!)   
  


(Back to the story)   
  


Josh and Evan exited off the ramp onto the Japanese dock. Josh had no luck finding any hot water on the ship so he was forced to stay a she. *Damn it! Why me?* She thought with sadness as they left the dock. Josh looked at the learn Japanese book and just prayed that reading that thing every night on the journey here would pay off.   
  


The two walked off of the dock and into the busy streets of Tokyo. They continued walking until it got dark. They found an empty lot where they set up camp. For some reason Evan knew perfect Japanese. Josh still had a pretty strong accent. *I don't know how he learned perfect Japanese in one night but I oughta give him a hoof in the nuts for it!* She thought.   
  


They went to sleep Evan dreaming about women and Sake and taking off his pants, and josh of Okinomiyaki their inevitable encounter with Ranma and just about every oriental dish there was. Of course the meeting with the Tendo's was sure to be a little bit _violent_ but Josh also dreamed about the ways that she would manipulate the cast with her knowledge.   
  


************ 

(The NEXT Day)   
  


Josh and Evan walked down the street with a map with directions on it. Evan was looking over the smaller girls shoulder at the map Josh shoved him out of the way. "Stop looking over my shoulder Damn It!" She said sternly. Evan put his hands up in the air innocently.   
  


"What!?" He said. Josh just sighed and continued on down the street. Evan walked behind being quiet. This bugged Josh more than anything He had ever done. *What the hell is he up to?!* She thought angrily. *I swear to god he's plotting on me!* Josh's thoughts were interrupted by the sight of the Tendo Dojo.   
  


"Aaah!" Josh said. "We're here." Evan smiled and followed behind quietly again. Josh shivered and entered through the large gate and into the Tendo's court yard. She heard yelling from inside the door. "Yup! This is most _deffinetly_ the place." She and the silent Evan walked to the front door and Josh knocked.   
  


He heard stomping coming through the house indicating that Akane was coming to answer the door. Josh _Big_ sweated. *Oh shit! I do not need this!* She thought as the door was slammed open.   
  


"Who is it!" Said an angry Akane at the door. Josh put his hands up hoping that it would stop the wrath of Akane.   
  


"Um hey!" Said Josh in flawless Japanese, though she still had an accent. "Akane...Um, I'm kinda looking for Ranma." Akane frowned more.   
  


"What are you?! Another fiancee." Josh wilted at the violent tomboy of a girls exclamation. And frowned herself.   
  


"Nnnoooo! I'm just a friend. Why are you so Damn violent!?" She said. Akane turned around in a huff and stomped back into the house.   
  


"Hmmmph! RANMAAAAAA! You got _another_ FIANCÉ here to see you!!!" Josh winced as the girl ran up the stairs into her room stomping purposely louder than normal to show her displeasure.   
  


Josh and Evan watched after her and soon Ranma came to the door. "Hey who are you?" He asked in genuine confusion. He frowned as a thought occurred to him. "If your another fiancee, my Oyaji made all of those promises and I ain't marryin, nobody."   
  


Josh smiled. "Yeah! I know how you feel. That fiancee crap's probably been going on for some time." Ranma looked at the gaijin girl in confusion.   
  


"You actually know about that?" He said in confusion. Josh slipped her arm around Ranma's shoulders and led him inside.   
  


"That will all be explained in a moment, my friend. But first, I need some hot water." Josh said with a really cute smile on her face.   
  


*************   
  


Of course what would this story be without spying eyes and jealous fiancee's? Akane did not actually go to her room. The youngest of the Tendo daughters was at the top of the stairs looking down at the happenings of Ranma , Josh, and Evan {who for some reason is very quiet}. *Ooooh! I knew it! I knew that gaijin was another fiancee! Just look at the way she's fondling him!* Akane left to her room in a huff thinking to herself insults all along the way.   
  


*Jerk! Pervert! Baka! Playboy! Sex changing Freak!* It went on like this in her mind for about the whole time that she was in her room sulking.   
  


************* 

(Later)   
  


Josh, in male form, Evan, and Ranma sat at the Tendo living room table. Ranma looked at Josh. "I see." He said. "So you were cursed by the Nyanichuan too." Josh nodded his head.   
  


"Yeah."   
  


Ranma smiled. "That's good to know. I'm glad I'm not the only one." Josh nodded.   
  


"Yeah, I know exactly how you feel." Ranma pointed at Evan.   
  


"Does he turn into anything?" He asked. "How come he doesn't speak?" Josh shook his head.   
  


"No he's not cursed. He's just a big idiot." Josh said.   
  


"Hey!" Evan retaliated.   
  


Josh frowned. "Why he's not talking is a mystery. He usually has something stupid to say every second of the day." Josh then leaned on the table and looked at Ranma strictly business like. "Now, Ranma. We're looking for a place to stay, the only places that we can think of are the Tendo Dojo, U-chan's, and The Nekohanten. We're not to fond of the idea of staying at the Nekohanten. So we narrowed it down to Tendo dojo and U-chan's. Do you think Kasumi will let us stay?" Ranma looked like he was thinking.   
  


"How do you know so much about me and my friends?" Ranma asked the dirty-blonde gaijin. Josh shrugged.   
  


"I don't know I guess I'm just really smart." Ranma looked suspicious. "How do I know your not out to get me? How do I know your not trying to win the heart of one of my many fiances?"   
  


Josh just shrugged. "Okay so I'll ask Kasumi obviously your useless." He said. Ranma bristled at the comment, Josh continued. "Is Kasumi here? Or is she out getting groceries or something?" Josh asked. "I'll just look for her myself. Hell at least she isn't as clueless as you fem-boy." He said as he stood up and walked towards the kitchen in search of the eldest Tendo daughter.   
  


"Hey now just wait a minute!" Ranma called after Josh as he jumped up and chased him down. "What do you mean useless?! I'm Saotome Ranma! There ain't nothing I can't do!" Josh ignored him and continued his search for Kasumi.   
  


*************   
  


Back in the living room Evan sat at the table being quiet. He looked around the living room where he sat at the moment there wasn't much to do around here. He was afraid to speak at all to Ranma, he had seen the anime and usually anything anyone said would get them into trouble. Instead of talking he opted for looking for someplace to sleep. It wasn't long before he found a couch. He smiled and dive bombed onto the couch ready for his nap.   
  


"WICKITY!" He yelled as he sailed through the air towards his destination. He landed on the silky soft couch softly then proceed to pass out.   
  


Josh came back to the Tendo living room a few minutes later with Ranma walking right behind him.   
  


"Hmmm. I guess Kasumi's gone out shopping." Josh said as he gave one last look around the room for the eldest Tendo girl. Ranma looked at Josh with a little confusion.   
  


"Why do you want to stay here with the Tendo's?" He asked. "You have heard how violent it gets around here? Right?" Josh just shrugged and sat back down at the table in the middle of the room.   
  


"Yeah well I have to stay here. I need to learn martial arts so that I can stay alive long enough to find my way home." Ranma looked at Josh as if he had figured out the answer to a great puzzle.   
  


"Oh I get it! You want me to teach you anything goes right? Well _forget_ it! We don't know anything about you and we can't just teach the art to just anyone." Josh tried to give Ranma the puppy dog eyes but it just didn't work. He decided to try plan B.   
  


With that plan of action in mind Josh Ran back to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Ranma watched as the blonde kid left then came back in his girl form with an empty glass of water. She set the empty glass on the table and bowed down before Ranma.   
  


"PLEEEAAASSSEE!!! Let me be your student! I'll do anything! I want to be like you!" Ranma looked down at the pathetic display that Josh was trying to use on him. Ranma kept on saying in his mind that he wouldn't let it work on him no matter how cute she was. But his thoughts faltered at Onna-Josh's next words.   
  


"_Everyone_ wants to be like you Ranma! Your name is heard and recognized all the way back in Canada! Your famous known as Ranma the _great_! Ranma the _Magnificent_! Ranma the _Perfect_!" Josh then grabbed onto Ranma's legs and began to beg. "PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEEEEEAAAAASE!?!?!?!?!"   
  


Ranma began to sweat, and his ego began to inflate tenfold. If one looked carefully they could see that his head was _actually_ getting bigger. {By the way Evan's not here and that's why I put him to sleep. So I could take over.}   
  


Ranma nodded. "ALRIGHT! I'll _do_ it!" He said as he began to day dream about his perfection. *All the way to Canada!* He thought with wonder as he stared off into space.   
  


Josh got up off of the ground and latched onto Ranma in a huge bone-crushing hug. "THANK YOU SO MUCH!!" She screamed. She opened her eyes to see two girls standing in the doorway looking at her with malice. Josh began to sweat a lot. For he recognized both of the girls.   
  


The one with the long purple hair, wearing a pink Chinese cheongsang was no doubt Shampoo. She was staring daggers at her and josh let go of Ranma, He also noticed Ukyo holing her trademark oversized spatula. Josh waved her hands in front of her hoping to ward off the inevitable attack.   
  


"Sh-Sh-Shampoo! Ukyo! It's not what you think I was just..." Josh was cut off as the two girls gave off battle cries simultaneously. And leapt towards the non-martial artist aquatransexual, both with weapons extended.   
  


Josh tried to get out of the way of the initial attack but Shampoos Bonbori slammed into Josh's arm knocking her across the room into a wall and breaking her arm. They were about to attack again but Ranma stopped them as he heard the girls arm break from the Bonbori blow.   
  


"STOP IT GIRLS YOU'LL _KILL_ HIM!" He yelled trying to get them to stop struggling. It didn't work though as the girls saw this as him trying to protect the girl that he had chosen behind their backs.   
  


"RANMA GET OUT OF SHAMPOO WAY!! OBSTACLES IS FOR KILLING!" She yelled hoping to rid the girl from their misery. She had come over to the Tendo dojo to give Ranma a special Ramen that would literally make him fall in love with her, as it was drugged with another love spice. Instead she finds Ranma with another girl that they had never seen before.   
  


"GET OUT OF THE WAY RAN-CHAN I WANT TO KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO THAT HUSSY!" Ukyo yelled as she tried to get past Ranma. Ranma had, had enough and he threw the two angered girls back out into the koi pond. Shampoo inevitably turned into a cat and Ukyo just got wet. Both of them just sat there watching as Ranma went over to the fallen gaijin girl and picked her up cradling her in his arms.   
  


Ranma set her down on the floor and then walked over to the phone. He picked up the reciever and dialed in the number for Tofu's Clinic. "Moshi Moshi? Hai Tofu-san. There's a girl over here and she's hurt. I think her arms broken.... Okay I'll wait." With that Ranma hung up the phone and sat by Josh to make sure she wasn't attacked by the other girls while he waited for doctor Tofu to arrive.   
  


*****************   
  


{Well I decided to end the first chapter here. Can you believe this!?! My first day at the Tendo dojo and _already_ I've been attacked by crazed fiances and gotten my arm broken! You would probably think that since I'm the writer I would go easy on myself and just all of a sudden get everything I wanted. NOT! I totally am gonna be brutal on me, and especially Evan. I want this to be a little bit realistic and not to goofy. I also didn't just start the insertion in a random place. You will see stuff that corresponds to the Manga series later. Evan wasn't here to help me write it so I just kind of put him to sleep. And as for Evan's behavior? That is actually how he acts. And _I_ am actually good at acting thus my little spiel to get Ranma to train me in the art. Since I know the characters so well why not manipulate them? Hey what ever works eh? I've kind of got a system worked out here and Ranma 1/2 is not the only world I will be visiting. I've got plans big plans. So stay tuned for the next exciting chapter of Josh and Evan's adventures in "Self Insertion". Next chapter my arm get's fixed, Evan gets drunk and loses his pants, and Josh solves all of Ranma's problems, or at least he tries. So come back and find out what happens next.}   
  


Ja ne   
  


Morden Night   
  


  
  



	2. School

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Self Insertion   
  


This is a self insertion fic. It's pretty much me and my friend get into a Sliders type mix up. Cept we go to worlds like Animes and Cartoons and Movies and other stuff. Both of us are writing it as well so the Genre will fluctuate. Be warned, be afraid, be readin' my story please. And enjoy.   
  


Disclaimer: I don't own nothin! Cept me!   
  


* *: Thoughts   
  


[ ]: Chinese   
  


Capital letters: Shouting or loud noises   
  


_ _: Stressed words   
  


~ ~: Computer messages   
  


{ }: Josh's own thoughts   
  


( ): Evan's own thoughts and location   
  


Chapter 2   
  


School   
  


The hospital was boring. That was the only word that Josh could think of for this place. He hated going to the hospital. He usually just went there for stitches, he'd never broken his arm before, and it was the most boring experience of his entire life. The fact that he had to spend this time as a girl because of his curse just made it even worse.   
  


When doctor Tofu had come over Ranma had told him about the curse, Shampoo and Ukyo were there and over heard so they knew about the curse now too. They had apologized and brought Josh lunch at the hospital. Everyone knew that hospital food was likely to make you stay there longer. It was a real big piss off when Evan had slept through the whole thing and when he learned what happened he just fell asleep again. Josh wanted to kick him in the head but The others had stopped her and she had to go to the hospital to get a cast.   
  


The trip to the hospital was uneventful and the fixing of the broken limb was just slept through. Ranma visited him after school to see how he was doing. Josh knew Ranma like a book and she knew that he blamed himself for her pain. During Josh's stay there in the dull, boring, simple hospital room Ryoga passed by looking for the Tendo dojo. It was weird cause the eternally lost boy seemed totally oblivious as to his whereabouts, as he daydreamed about Akane.   
  


Josh had to shake her head to get the spinning to go away. Being inside the Ranma 1/2 world was a real trip. He felt like he was on drugs or something. Actually conversing, getting beaten up by, and befriending the cast was like a dream come true. Although breaking her arm hurt like a bitch. She had a high pain tolerance and was able to bite down and take it. *I wonder what Evan's doing right now?* Josh thought as she put down the Japanese Manga that she was reading. She shivered as she pictured her friend finding the money she'd hidden and spending it all on Saki.   
  


Josh got up out of her bed and walked over to the window. It was a really nice day in Nerima the sun was shining, birds singing, perverted marital arts masters roof hopping. The Jusenkyo cursed Canadian did a double take as she watched the one and only Happosai hop across the roofs with a large sack of panties and bras strapped to his back. She could also see the mob of women chasing after below on the streets. Each of the women had some sort of blunt object that they were determined to use on the old pervert.   
  


Josh sighed. She knew she'd have some sort of encounter with the old freak sooner or later. It might as well be now. After all he was headed right for the hospital where she was staying at. Josh opened up the window and leaned outside. She was glad that she'd be out of the hospital the next day. She was hoping that she could enroll at Furinkan and further her education. She knew that Evan wouldn't though.   
  


"HEY HAPPOSAI!!!" Josh yelled out the window to the old pervert who was actually a really far way away. Josh knew that he'd hear though. The old man's hearing was that of a martial arts master. "COME HERE!!"   
  


Happosai was having the time of his life. "What a haul! What a haul!" He cheerfully cried as he easily leapt across the rooftops of Nerima. Heading towards the Nerima hospital. There was sure to be lots of lovely nurses there. The sack that was strapped to his back was over loaded with panties, bras, and all other female undergarments. The mob of angry women that followed close behind the ancient master didn't bother him at all. After all they can't catch him.   
  


The shriveled up pervert's ears perked up as he heard his name being called in the direction of a third floor window of the Nerima hospital. He accelerated his speed after realizing that it was a pretty young lady who was waving to him and asking him to come there. Happosai wasn't one to disappoint a lady and hurried to meet her. {Of course he had already disappointed _lots_ of ladies}   
  


Happosai soon came to the window where the teenaged, blonde haired, gaijin girl stood waiting. "And what can I do for a pretty little lady like you?" Happosai asked the young girl as he landed on the window sil. Josh extended her hand out towards the martial arts master in greetings.   
  


"Hello Happosai." The short haired gaijin girl said. Happosai took hold of the girls hand and they shook. He was reluctant to fondle this girl since she was injured and was showing him the proper respect.   
  


The old pervert gave the girl a genuine smile. "It's nice to see someone giving their elders the proper respect. Unlike my ungrateful pupil Ranma." The old man said. His smile turned into a frown as he thought of all the times that Ranma had interrupted his fun.   
  


"Actually." Josh began. "Ranma's gonna be teaching me martial arts as soon as I get better. I just wanted to meet the famous Happosai that I've heard so much about." Happosai was surprised at this revelation. Then he frowned again.   
  


"I don't think Ranma is good enough to be a teacher yet." The old geezer said. A tear then came to his eye. "I'm just so glad to... did you say famous?" The old pervert asked, his tears drying up instantly. Josh nodded.   
  


"Yeah. Everyone's heard of you. I come from Canada and even down there they've heard of you in one form or another. Either as the most despicable pervert of all time, or as one of the greatest martial artists of all time." Happosai's eyes were watering.   
  


"R-Really?" He asked. Josh nodded again and gave the ancient old man a smile.   
  


"I don't really mind the pervert thing at all though." Josh said.   
  


Happosai was shocked he almost had a heart attack at hearing those words. He would never had believed it if he didn't hear it himself. It was so amazing to hear and was made even more amazing by the fact that it was coming from a pretty girl. Josh continued to suck up and gain the old perverts trust. This was going to be fun.   
  


"I mean, your old and probably spent the majority of your life learning the martial arts and you were probably female deprived for most of the time so your using the last of your days to get some. Am I right?" Happosai's eyes were fountains of tears as Josh's words struck a cord in the old mans soul.   
  


"Oh to think after all these years there's someone who finally understands me!" Happosai said through his tears. "You'll make the best pupil ever!" With that Happosai opened his arms to the girl for his first ever non-fondling hug with a pretty young female. Josh reluctantly opened her arms to the old man. After all if she was to survive this world she'd need the trust of all the people she could manage.   
  


Josh was surprised that the old man wasn't trying to do anything perverted. Looks like she had hit the mark right on. Just then there came a rumbling noise from outside. It was getting closer and louder and almost sounded like a herd of buffalo. The door to the hospital room flew off it's hinges and across the room. The mob of angry females rushed into the room where they saw Happosai hugging Josh. They, of course, took this the wrong way.   
  


"HE'S AT IT AGAIN!!!"   
  


"PERVERT!!!"   
  


"DIE FREAK!!"   
  


"GET HIM!!!!!"   
  


The battle cries of the Infuriated Women of Nerima{IWN} trailed on into the night, as they rushed into the hospital room, where Josh was staying at, and proceeded to beat the ancient pervert to near death. Josh made sure to get out of the way of the enraged mob. And watched as Happosai got the beating of his life.   
  


"Well. At least I can't be blamed for this. He led them right to himself." Josh mused to herself as she watched in horrified fascination. It was so much different to watch the Happosai beatings in real life. "Guess I'll have to patch him up when their done."   
  


***************   
  


Evan woke up and had one thought on his mind, SAKI! *Dag nabbit I need a stiff drink, all they have is saki, of course I don't mind that at all* he mused as he pulled out a money finder from one of those anime secret pocket universes. He ran around the room and checked the finder. *Hmmm, nothing in here... Wait! What's that!* He sniffs the air. *Money... under, rock... outside... KOI POND!!!* "Tetsuoooooooooo!!!!!" He cried as he literally flew out the door and over shot the rock and landed in the pond. *Hey, I'm drowning.* He thought as he realized he was upside down in the pond. *No I'm not! Or am I?!? What in Sam hell is going on here!?*   
  


He sat up in the pond and pondered this for a quick second. *Oh well.* He began to pillage around under the rock. *Booyah!* He thought as he found the large wad of yen bills some five seconds later. He then proceeded to jump up and down screaming like a school girl.   
  


Jumping out of the pond he ran to the front door and proceeded to look for the nearest bar. He nearly ran over a surprised Kasumi on his way out. Kasumi just looked after him and blink blinked. "What an odd man." She said to herself and then entered the dojo to begin preparing dinner.   
  


***************   
  


(The Next Day)   
  


Josh walked through the doors of the Tendo dojo feeling that since he was probably going to be living here he could just walk through whenever she felt like it. She still had the cast on her arm but the swelling had gone down and it didn't hurt anymore.   
  


"HELLOOOOO!!!?" She called out into the surprisingly silent house. She silently cursed herself {pun not intended} for leaving Evan alone in an anime world, he was probably causing a whole lot of trouble by now. (I'm so wasted!!)   
  


Josh walked into the kitchen to meet Kasumi who was, of course fixing supper for everyone else. Josh wasn't surprised since it was just about supper time anyway.   
  


"Hi Kasumi." Josh said as she gave a small wave to the eldest Tendo daughter. Kasumi gave josh a smile of her own.   
  


"Oh Hello. Are you one of Akane's friends? Would you like to stay for dinner?"   
  


Josh nodded. "I'd like that very much thank you. Actually I'm one of Ranma's friends. Do you know where he is?" Josh asked.   
  


Kasumi took one of the pots off of the stove while nodding. "Ranma has gone out on a date with Nabiki."   
  


Josh looked confused "Isn't Ranma engaged to Akane??"   
  


Kasumi looked back to her dinner preparations and said "Oh didn't you know? Akane and Ranma had a fight and broke up. Now he's engaged to Nabiki."   
  


Josh got an evil smile on his face as he thought about it. *This is _PERFECT_! This is volume 17 in the Ranma 1/2 Manga! Right where I left off!* Looking up to Kasumi she spoke. "Thanks Sumi-chan! I'll just wait here for him. Do you mind?" She asked.   
  


Kasumi shook her head with a smile. "Oh no! I don't mind at all. Please make yourself at home." Josh nodded and was about to kick back on the couch and read some of Nabiki's Manga's but he turned back to the long brown haired girl remembering something important.   
  


"About making myself at home. I don't really have a place to stay and I was wondering if I could crash here at the dojo. I was waiting for you to get home so that I could ask you since your the Lady of the house."   
  


"Oh are you homeless?" Kasumi asked in genuine concern. Josh was about to say no but she thought about it and nodded.   
  


"Actually yes. I am. And Ranma was going to teach me the martial arts so I thought that I could stay here." Kasumi thought about it.   
  


"Well, we don't really have any rooms left, I might be able to put you up with me or Nabiki..." Josh chose to cut the girl off there.   
  


"I thank you for your hospitality Kasumi. I was thinking that I could sleep in Ranma's room. It's got lots of space and I'm sure he wouldn't mind. After all I've got the same curse as him." Kasumi nodded in understanding. It was the sensible thing to do.   
  


Kasumi nodded and Josh brightened up. "GREAT!" He gave her a quick hug and then held her back at arms length. "Say Sumi-chan? Have you seen a short black haired gaijin anywhere around here?" Kasumi thought about that for a second.   
  


"Well I did see one boy digging around in the koi pond yesterday but he left very shortly...Is something wrong?" She asked as she saw josh's face visibly pale.   
  


*OH NO! HE'S DONE IT _AGAIN_!!!!!* With that in mind Josh ran out to the Tendo's back yard to check where he had quickly stashed his money so Evan couldn't find it. Evan's pickpocketing skills have been getting much better and his only hope to save any money was to hide it. Josh lifted up one of the smaller rocks at the edge of the pond and sure enough the money was all gone!   
  


"I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS EVAN!!" Josh screamed to the heavens before running out the front gate of the Tendo home looking for his, more than likely, drunk friend. He nearly trampled Kuno Tatewaki who was entering the yard to give Akane Tendo some flowers and spout poetry.   
  


"What vision of loveliness is this that I, the great Black Lightning of Furinkan high, am bestowed upon the pleasure of beholding. Kuno shrugged it off and put it on the to do list. {Not that to _do_ list perverts} He proceeded on to his final destination.   
  


***************   
  


Evan awoke with a huge headache much like the many he has had during this trip to a new universe. He shook it off and looked down. *Damn skippity* he thought as he noticed he once again was pantless. *That's the 40'th pair of pants I've gone through during this crazy ass trip of Josh's!!* He thought as he attempted to plan revenge on Josh. He then checked how much money he had. *couple hundred yen left. Hmmm I need pants. What should I do... pants, saki, pants, saki... SAKI!* He ran down the street as fast as he could women on both sides of the street gawking in awe at the huge _spectacle_.   
  


Josh was searching all the normal pass out points in Nerima. He heard a woman's scream. *WHA!... EVAN!* He made a bee line to the area of the screaming. *Ouch arm! I should slow down a wee bit.* She thought. Josh slowed down and then saw _Evan_ walking down the street muttering to himself. Josh walked up to him and grabbed him by the shirt collar.   
  


"COME ON SHIT HEAD! WE GOTTA GET BACK TO THE DOJO! Dinners almost ready." Evan looked up hopefully at Josh.   
  


"Will there be Saki?" Josh turned red and decided that yelling really loud while beating up Evan would calm her nerves. After all he was the main cause of all her problems and it's what any normal anime character would do.   
  


"WILL YOU SHUT _UP_!! I ALWAYS HAVE TO DRAG YOU OUT OF THESE DAMN MESSES!   
  


WHACK, POW, CRUNCH.   
  


"AND HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO LOSE YOUR PANTS EVERY, SINGLE, TIME!! I SWEAR TO GHANDI!! YOU ARE THE BIGGEST IDIOT IN THE WORLD!!!   
  


WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, WHACK,(Oh josh stop whacking me) {Don't worry folks I punched him for that} STOMP, HOOF!!   
  


Evan grabbed his genitals in excruciating pain as he keeled over and groaned. A girl approached Josh and put her hand on her shoulder. Josh gave her the look of _death_. "WHAT!!!!!?????!!!!!" The girl in question reeled back by the force of the verbal assault but continued on.   
  


"Shouldn't you go a little bit easier on him?" She asked.   
  


Josh looked infuriated. "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M KICKING HIS ASS SO BACK THE _FUCK_ OFF!!!"   
  


"Ooooohhhhhhh I've got testicular pains.... I need a drink.... please lady.... give me saki." Evan moaned   
  


"You pervert!!!!" The girl screamed as she ran away.   
  


"Uuuummmmm, right. I don't understand." Josh said tilting her head and looking really confused.   
  


"Yeah, all I asked for was some saki.... wait. HAHAHAHAHA!!! It all makes sense to me now!" Evan said still curled in pain. "She thought I wanted sucky!! That's frigging hilarious!!" Evan burst out in laughter. "Ouch neck.... aaaccckkk...let, go." Evan gasped as he struggled to get out of his friends grasp. Josh grabbed him by the neck with her good arm and began dragging him back to the Tendo dojo.   
  


They arrived shortly after at the Tendo dojo and most of the family was there including Ranma and Ryoga, though Ryoga was in P-Chan mode. Akane's eyes widened in shock and horror as she saw what the girl was dragging behind her.   
  


"PPEEEEEEEERRRRVEEEEERRTTS!!!!!" The short haired Tendo girl screamed as she rushed towards Evan and josh with her super sized mallet drawn and held high for the death blow.   
  


Josh let go of Evan, who dropped to the floor limply, and managed to jump out of the way of the mallet. She then ran and hid behind Ranma. Evan got hit by the mallet and was sent sailing though the roof and through the stratosphere. The Tomboy Tendo then turned towards Josh with a murderous gaze in her eyes.   
  


Josh sighed through the sweat. At least she wouldn't have to deal with Evan for a while. Maybe it was best that he was gone for now. Ranma was sweating a little himself. "SAVE ME RANMA!!" Josh yelled to the pig tailed martial artist. Hell she didn't know martial arts and she had just gotten out of the hospital.   
  


(Meanwhile in Evan's head)(don't worry It's a quick trip)   
  


"Wow! This is one empty place! I must be dead... Wait the light! GEEEAAAAHHHH!"   
  


(Back at the Tendo dojo)   
  


Akane had calmed down a bit but still glared at Josh who was having trouble eating the delicious meal Kasumi had cooked, due to fear of course. She was sitting on the other side of Ranma, using the Jusenkyo cursed martial artist as a protection wall.   
  


Nabiki, who had caught sight of Evan's huge _shplong_ was busy formulating a plan on how she could use it to make money. As usual. Kasumi seemed not to notice. Josh wiped her mouth on her sleeve and decided to explain herself.   
  


"Akane. I'm not one of Ranma's fiances." She said to the violent maniac on the other side of the wall.   
  


Ranma nodded frantically. "Yeah she's right we only met today!" Akane, however, wasn't going to take any of it. She was about to respond with denial, and accusations, and mallets when she was cut off by another person entering the house.   
  


"What a haul! What a haul!" Cried Happosai as he bounded through the open shogi. He was about to jump over to the table and gobble up a quick meal when he noticed Josh sitting beside Ranma. "Oh hello there. It's good to see your getting better." He said and then resumed shoving food down his throat. Everyone at the table stared at Josh in confusion and shock at her next words.   
  


"Thank you master Happosai." Josh said before giving a deep bow to the puny old man.   
  


"_Now_ I'm confused." Nabiki said as she watched the amazing spectacle of a girl giving Happosai respect, and the even more amazing sight of Happosai giving the pretty girl respect.   
  


"What the _HELL_ is going on here!?!" Ranma said as he stood up and looked back and forth between the behaving Happosai and the calm and polite Onna-Josh.   
  


Josh grabbed Ranma's shoulder and pulled him down into a seating position. "Ranma all you gotta do to get Happosai to be nice is respect him. He is an old man and he at least deserves that much." Ranma looked at the short haired blonde girl with shock.   
  


"But how can you _SAY_ that!?!" He's the biggest pervert in _EXISTENCE_!" cold water splashed Ranma and Happosai latched onto her chest.   
  


"I don't know Ranma. Your a guy right? So, Why should you complain." Ranma almost lost it. If he had been thrown into a pit of female deprived perverts instead of cats he'd probably have some sort of Happo-phobia. He wasn't to far off from catching the horrible condition anyway. Ranma punted Happosai into the air and away from the dojo, all the way to another district.   
  


"GET OFFA MEEE!!!" He shouted. He stood in the doorway watching the pervert sailing through the air as he breathed heavily. "I'm so sick of this _crap_!" Ranma said as he sat back down at the table.   
  


Nabiki gave Josh a predatory look. Josh glared back at her unaffected at all by the ice queen. "Why don't you tell us exactly what this is all about and _who_ you are goldilocks." Josh glared at Nabiki. He didn't like that nickname.   
  


*How come every nickname that someone gives me is always so girly?* Josh thought before answering. "Well Nabiki. I'm not going to lie or hold anything back. Although it's pretty complicated and weird."   
  


Akane rolled her eyes. "What else is new?" She asked sarcastically.   
  


Josh ignored Akane's rude interruption and continued. "I come from another world!" She said dramatically. Everyone looked at her normally as if she had said nothing. Josh sweated and continued again. "Anyway on this world, Ranma doesn't exist at all and Me and my friend Evan..."   
  


"The strange boy with no pants?" Asked Kasumi.   
  


Josh nodded. "Yeah that's him. Anyway! Me and him were kind of surfing the net and I came across a site that had all these magical spells, I thought it was some kind of joke but it turned out to be real and it sent us here to this world."   
  


When you say, _World_, you mean, like, another dimension or something right?" Asked Nabiki.   
  


Josh pointed to Nabiki and smiled. "You win the convertible Toots!" Josh said playfully.   
  


Nabiki glared at the upstart gaijin. *TOOTS!?!* She thought. *Who does she think she's talking to!?!*   
  


Josh continued. "Yeah so the first thing that happens is we dumped off in Jusenkyo. I got cursed but Evan didn't and we came to Nerima cause we knew that we'd eventually have to come to get Cologne to held us. I came to the Tendo dojo and was gonna ask Kasumi if I could stay here. She wasn't here and I asked Ranma if he could train me in the martial arts. Shampoo broke my arm, thinking that I was another fiancee, and I've been in the hospital for the last two days." Josh let the information she had given everyone sink in and looked around the table to see everyone's reactions.   
  


Nabiki was planning to turn this into a money making scheme, Akane was angry cause she didn't want that hussy to stay here, Kasumi was smiling, Ranma was okay but knew that it would lead to trouble, Genma and Soun had left to play Go, P-Chan had gotten lost, and Happosai was in Tomobiki getting chased by angry girls.   
  


Nabiki said, "So, I take it you'll be staying here?" Josh nodded. "And how do you plan on earning your stay? We've already got three freeloaders and can't afford much more."   
  


Josh knew this was coming and she shrugged. "Well, I'm pretty good looking as a girl, so I was thinking I could pose in scandalous female clothing and you could take pictures and sell them to the boys at Furinkan. They are all a bunch of perverts and I'll be enrolling there so it's only fair." Nabiki was nervous. This girl was very bold and had guts.   
  


"On one condition." Josh continued. Nabiki, not wanting to pass up a golden opportunity nodded. "You have to give me a copy of each picture you take of me." Nabiki face faulted. She had not been expecting that at all.   
  


Everyone else at the table was shocked. This girl was either nuts or didn't know about Kuno.   
  


(LATER)   
  


Josh walked into Ranma's room carrying a rolled up futon and a pillow under her arm. She rolled out the futon beside Ranma's and set the pillow just above then lay down on the futon wearing just her boxer shorts and a white muscle shirt. She was very tired, Nabiki had done nothing but ask questions about her, and she had to evade tons of Akane attacks. She also felt guilty cause Ranma kept on taking the brunt of all the insane girls blows.   
  


Josh wondered how her readers would cope with her gone. She would probably be here a long time and wouldn't have much time for writing fan fiction. Josh rolled over and pulled the futon cover up close. *Sleep first, think later!* She thought to herself just before falling asleep.   
  


Ranma entered his room much later with his father in tow, he'd gotten in a fight with Ryoga again and Mousse had shown up as well so he was dead tired. The fact that the two idiots had actually worked together made it that much harder to defeat them. He didn't notice the girl sleeping in the futon next to his and just fell into his own. The pigtailed martial artist fell asleep as soon as he hit the floor.   
  


(The next morning)   
  


Ranma slept in. He needed it after his fight the other night with Ryoga and Mousse his body craved rest and healing. Akane, who had woken up on time noticed that Ranma wasn't at the breakfast table yet.   
  


"Akane?" Kasumi asked in her pleasant singsong voice.   
  


"Yes oneechan?" Akane replied.   
  


"Could you go wake Ranma up? It's almost time you should head out for school and he's going to be late." She said as she poured another cup of tea for her father who nodded his thanks and continued his game of Go with Genma.   
  


Akane nodded cheerfully and jogged up the stairs. On the way she wondered where that blonde haired gaijin girl went after supper. She hadn't seen her at all afterwards. She arrived at the top of the stairs and walked over to Ranma's room. She slid open the door to his room and saw him sprawled over the same blonde gaijin girl she had just been thinking about. Her anger peaked and steam began to burst from her nostrils.   
  


Akane pulled her mallet from hammer space and gazed at Ranma menacingly. "Raaaaaannnmaaaaaaaaa!" She said in a low menacing voice as she raised her mallet above her head getting ready to smash Ranma through the roof.   
  


Ranma awoke to the blazing red battle aura that Akane was emitting from her body. He looked down at the person that he was lying on and panicked. "A-A-Akane! I-it's not what it looks like, she's a g..."   
  


"RANMA NO BAKAAAAAA!!!" Akane screamed as she slammed him as hard as she could through the roof. She hit him unknowingly in the direction of the school. At least he wouldn't be late.   
  


Josh woke up to Akane's screams and looked around her. Akane was storming out of the room Ranma and Genma's Futons were empty and there was a Ranma shaped hole in the roof. Josh had watched the Ranma series enough to know what had happened. And guessed correctly that Akane had come to woke Ranma up for school and hit him without thinking.   
  


Josh shrugged and got up to get changed. She went to the corner where she had set her clothes. But they weren't there. "HUH!?" She said as she looked around the room for where she might have put them. But they were nowhere in the room at all.   
  


Josh ran down the stairs deciding to ask Kasumi. She was outside in the back yard hanging up the laundry to dry on the clothes line.   
  


"Hey, Kasumi? Have you seen my clothes around? I left them in the corner of Ranma's room but they weren't there this morning." Kasumi just smiled and continued putting up the laundry.   
  


"Oh I put those dirty things in the wash. You can wear some of Akane or Nabiki's clothes for the day if you like." Josh sweated as she thought of the events that would come if he asked either girls if she could wear their clothes. Akane'd probably beat her to death and Nabiki would make her pay ridiculous amounts of money.   
  


"Actually I think I'll just wear one of Ranma's Chinese thingies." Josh said before turning around and running back up to her, Mr. Saotome, and Ranma's room. She found a blue Chinese style muscle shirt and a pair of black drawstring pants in one of the top drawers in the dresser. Josh didn't hesitate and pulled on the silk shirt and pants.   
  


Josh then exited the house heading for Furinkan. She didn't know exactly where it was but she knew generally were it was located. *These things are pretty darn comfortable.* Josh thought as she walked along the sidewalk right beside the fence that Ranma always walked upon on the way to school. *I really gotta get me a set of these.*   
  


Josh arrived at Furinkan soon. The school yard was empty except for all of the male teens that were lying there unconscious. Josh maneuvered around the mangled teenage bodies and towards the entrance of the school. The halls were relatively silent since all of the students were in class at the moment. A girl walked by Josh on her way back to class from a short washroom break when Josh extended an arm and stopped her.   
  


"Excuse me? Do you know where I would have to go to register here? I'm looking to enroll at Furinkan and I'm not sure where to go exactly." The girl looked Josh up and down. She was fairly tall for a girl and very curvaceous, with large breasts. She was kind of like Ranma's girl half only taller. And with Blonde hair that was short but not too short. Josh's hair came down near to her ears. The Blue Chinese clothing accentuated her bright blue eyes, and she was down right gorgeous.   
  


*Wow she's _cute_* The brown haired girl thought as she gazed at Josh intently. "I Know where it is. Would you like me to lead you there?" she asked.   
  


Josh nodded. " Sure! I'm Josh." She said as she extended a hand in greeting to the other girl, "What's your name?" The girl in question blushed a little but Josh didn't really notice it, the girl was really cute. She wore the normal Furinkan girls uniform, she had a nice figure and her smile made her look really nice. She had long brown hair tied back in a ponytail and a few strands fell down in front of her face. She took Joshes hand and began leading her towards the main office.   
  


"My names Tamiko." Josh just smiled and followed along.   
  


***************   
  


(ELSEWHERE)   
  


A man walks along the street with no pants on. He is bruised in many places and has many scratches that are bleeding. *I'll find you Josh! And I will have my revenge! And BUY SAKI!!!* The man then proceeded to pass out in an alley.   
  


(BACK AT FURINKAN)   
  


Josh looks at the note that the principal had given her. It was her luck that principle Kuno was currently on vacation in Hawaii at the moment. She _really_ didn't want to meet the fool. The Kuno family was the one family she had to be sure to stay away from. She soon arrived at her class room. She opened up the door and walked in. Immediately all eyes were on her. She felt a little embarrassed by all the attention. She wasn't used to being the new kid.   
  


Josh walked to the front of the class and gave the old teacher a note which she pulled from her pants pocket. The teacher took the note flipped it around a couple times then cleared his throat and addressed the class, which was currently buzzing with gossip about the new girl. Most of it was about whether or not she was another of Ranma's fiancees.   
  


"AHEM! Class. We have a new student today. Her name is Josh. Please make her feel welcome she's come all the way from Canada. Er, Why don't you tell the class a little bit about yourself Miss?" The old teacher said.   
  


Josh looked towards the many students in the class and noticed that Ukyo, Ranma, and Akane were also in this class. She then began with the self info.   
  


"Well, I'm from Canada. I came down here, mostly to learn martial arts..." The Classroom began to buzz once more on the fiancé issue. Josh smiled and continued. "I'm staying at the Tendo dojo, I'm a _Very_ special friend of Ranma's, and no one can cook Fajitas like me." Most all of the kids in class turned towards Ranma who was currently leaning back in his chair.   
  


The pigtailed martial artist awoke from his slumber and looked around the class. "WHAT!?!" He asked as he noticed all of the angry glares from the males and the disgusted ones of the girls.   
  


Josh walked down the aisle to an empty seat next to Ranma. The classroom then erupted into Gossip. Josh smiled and listened to the lesson that the teacher was blabbing about. She wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. Especially since she had art class next.   
  


*************   
  


{Well thats the end of chapter two. I cut it a little short but the next couple chapters will be bigger and will tie into the Manga as well. And things to come are gonna be real nice. Another character from the Manga will show up, I'll begin my training, _AND_ We'll finally learn the mystery as to why Evan keeps losing his pants whenever he gets drunk. THRILLS, CHILLS, PANTS! (Scratch that last one) anyway, I'm working on Dragon's Bond and Saotome Blade mostly but I'm having a little writers block and I keep on reading Ranma Manga wasting SO MUCH TIME!! I also go to the movies every chance I get. I scrounge for money cause I don't have a job yet. Me and Evan keep on making Oogaly Poogaly movies too...wait a minute my readers don't even know who Oogaly Poogaly is. Oh well that's not to important. If you want you can email me and ask. NOW!!! If I ask nicely, will you(the readers) send me ideas on my stories to help me get past this writers block. I'm also doing more on Astral Minds. I just decided that I wanted to. Well that's all from me. You can write to me at: anime_morden@crystal-tokyo.com   
  


Ja ne   
  


Morden Night   
  


  
  



	3. Panties

Check out the NEW Hotbot Tell me when this page is updated 

  
  


Self Insertion   
  


This is a self insertion fic. It's pretty much me and my friend get into a Sliders type mix up. Cept we go to worlds like Animes and Cartoons and Movies and other stuff. Both of us are writing it as well so the Genre will fluctuate. Be warned, be afraid, be readin' my story please. And enjoy.   
  


Disclaimer: I don't own nothin! Cept me!   
  


* *: Thoughts   
  


[ ]: Chinese   
  


Capital letters: Shouting or loud noises   
  


_ _: Stressed words   
  


~ ~: Computer messages   
  


{ }: Josh's own thoughts   
  


( ): Evan's own thoughts and location   
  


Chapter 3   
  


Panties   
  


Lunch time was always good. Josh loved hearing that bell that dismissed them all from class to eat and relax. However today wasn't as good as she had hoped because of two main reasons. She didn't bring a lunch and she didn't have any money to buy one. Currently she was sitting under the shade of a tree beside Ranma. She had planned on asking him for some of his bento but the pigtailed martial artist had wolfed it down so fast that she didn't get a chance.   
  


Now all she could do was sit under the tree beside her new friend, hold her stomach and groan. It was growling pretty loud. "Is this the end of our hero?" She muttered quietly to herself, "Is he doomed to die starving in a school yard?" She didn't notice a girl sit down next to her and set a half eaten bento in between them. "The hero sits, wasting away doomed to rot under neath the tree." The brown haired girl with the ponytail looked at Josh weird. "The tree which will stand for all eternity as his grave."   
  


The girl had heard enough and she handed Josh the last of her bento. Josh looked down at the box of food in his lap as if it were a gift from god. Without a word the short blonde haired girl grabbed the box and began to eat at a fast pace, though not as fast as Ranma mind you. Once she was finished she leaned back against the tree and sighed. The food was surprisingly filling, not to mention delicious. Josh looked over to the girl and noticed that it was the girl who had helped him earlier in finding the principles office.   
  


"Thanks!" Josh said "Uh... Tamiko, right?" she asked, the girl nodded.   
  


"Tamiko Kitasaka. did you like it?"   
  


Josh's eyes went wide as she stared at the girl intently. "_Like_ it!? I _loved_ it! That was one of the best lunches I've had in my entire life." Tamiko blushed.   
  


"Please, stop. Your embarrassing me." Josh smiled it would be fun to tease her with praise, but she was serious. That lunch was great. He was betting that even Kasumi would have been hard pressed to top it.   
  


"So... did you make this?" Josh inquired as he gestured towards the now empty box. Tamiko nodded.   
  


"Yes. I like to cook. Most of my friends say that, that's all I ever do anymore. That and video games." Josh nodded in understanding.   
  


"So your a video game junky, huh?" Josh said. Tamiko frowned.   
  


"Well if that's all you think of me I guess I'll leave. I thought we could be friends." Josh, not wanting to screw up a friendship in a total of one day grabbed the girls shoulder before she could leave.   
  


"No, no, no! I didn't mean it like that Tamiko! I'm kind of a video game junky myself." Tamiko turned to face Josh.   
  


"Really?" She asked hoping that for once she'd have something in common with _somebody_. Josh nodded sincerely.   
  


"Yes really." Tamiko sat back down again with a smile. "I love video games. I just don't ever get much of a chance to play any. I've always been sheltered from technology from my parents. Specially my Mom she hastes anything with a screen on it." Tamiko looked sympathetic.   
  


"Oh, I see." The brown haired girl then dug around in her book bag which was beside her and rooted out a little hand held gaming system and handed it to the short Blonde haired girl beside her. "Here. Would you like to try my game boy out? I just bought it a couple days ago." Josh took the game boy and boggled.   
  


"Hey! This is a game boy advanced! I never thought I'd see one of these here." Tamiko smiled to see that the girl knew a little something about video games.   
  


"I've got a game in there about skateboarding it was the only one at the store at the time." Josh boggled again as she noticed the game in the cartridge.   
  


"DUDE! Tony Hawk pro skater! SWEET!" exclaimed Josh. Tamiko sighed. Finally there was someone who was as passionate about video games as she was. Just as Josh turned the game boy on the bell rang signaling the end of the lunch break. Josh groaned.   
  


The blonde haired girl handed the game boy back but Tamiko handed it right back. "Here. You can borrow it. Just give it back to me after school. I'll meet you back here kay?" Josh nodded and the two headed into the school, later breaking off to go to their respective classes.   
  


The rest of the school day Josh had not payed attention in class at all, as he was playing video games the entire time. Evan came by after school nearly as soon as the bell rang. The schoolyard was silent the females stared in shock the men looked in jealousy and unbelievability. Josh walked out of the school and into the front court yard. She was laughing and talking to Tamiko as they left they stopped when a pantless Evan staggered up to them and fell on Josh, who was disgusted by his idiotic behavior and lack of pants.   
  


"I wan Ssakiieeee I'mmm nogoin I'ma stay right here." Said a very drunk Evan.   
  


"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed Tamiko as she hid behind Josh. "PERVERT!" Josh groaned and proceeded with the regular beating he was now used to giving Evan.   
  


Tamiko took a mallet out of hammerspace and smashed Evan into the stratosphere as soon as the aquatransexual boy was done. "Nice distance." Josh commented as she watched Evan fly through the air. "Does every girl at Furinkan know how to pull mallets out of nowhere?"   
  


****************   
  


Later at the Tendo dojo. Josh flopped down on the couch that Nabiki usually occupied and stretched out as she reached for a Manga on the coffee table. She then flicked on the T.V. and ignored it while she read the book. Josh was in the middle of humming the back to school song by Adam Sandler when the T.V. was abruptly shut off.   
  


"HEY! I wasn't watching that!" he said irritated. Nabiki glared at her and then pointed to the worn out Japanese comic in the blonde haired girls hands.   
  


"Why are you touching my stuff?" She asked Josh in a low menacing tone. Josh snorted and went back to reading. Nabiki frowned and then snatched the book from her hands.   
  


"HEY! I wasn't really reading that!"   
  


"Then what's the point?" Josh just shrugged and then put on Nabiki's C.D. player's headphones, she didn't however turn it on and they were torn from the blonde girls head.   
  


"HEY! I wasn't listening to that!" Nabiki was about to say something more when Ranma ominously burst through the shogi. Josh looked up at the martial artist and was very confused. "Is there something wrong? Ranma Saotome of the Clan Saotome?"   
  


"Time to start your training my pupil." Said Ranma. Josh looked at Ranma confusedly. Ranma was acting awful strange. Josh shrugged and followed Ranma to the backyard beside the koi pond.   
  


"So what are we going to learn first Ranma?" Asked Josh.   
  


"When we are in training you will call me sensei!" snapped Ranma. Josh backed down immediately and nodded.   
  


"Uhhh yes sensei." Something was wrong. Ranma was supposed to be a nice guy. Why the sudden change of attitude? Ranma's never snapped at anyone in the manga. This was starting to scare Josh. She was used to having everything under control. She was supposed to know everything about the characters and all events that happened. All of a sudden Ranma pushed her.   
  


Josh fell on her butt and looked up at Ranma angrily. "HEY! Why'd you push me!? What's that got to do with martial arts?" Josh stood up and glared at Ranma. She was just pushed to the ground again.   
  


"You must learn how to fall first before you can truly begin. You must gain a certain amount of resistance to begin. If you were about six years old I would go slower and easier but you are already a teenager and if you want to be a competent martial artist then you must do nothing but work. I will be teaching you every morning from four till seven then after school at three till six. You will only get breaks to eat and sleep and go to school. Is that clear!?"   
  


Josh was sweating profusely. Her arm wasn't completely healed and she was hoping to get through some easy stuff before getting rough. "Yes sensei!" With that the training began.   
  


*************   
  


Nabiki watched as Joshes female cursed form got pushed to the ground over and over again, each time with more force than the last. She continued to watch the two Jusenkyo cursed people train and after a while it seemed that Ranma was just beating on Josh unmercifully. She almost felt sorry for him and she would have if it wasn't for the fact that she thought he was a loser.   
  


Kasumi, the oldest of the Tendo daughters, walked up beside her middle sister and watched Ranma beat up Josh with a sympathetic look on her face. "Shouldn't Ranma be going easier on him? He does still have a broken arm."   
  


Nabiki shrugged. "It's his own fault, probably."   
  


*************   
  


"WHAT A HAUL! WHAT A HAUL!" Happosai cried as he bounded into the house to get a nice meal from Kasumi. He stopped as he saw the sprawled out beaten form of the nice respectful girl he'd met at the hospital. She was currently trying to drag herself to the dinner table. Happosai dropped his load to the ground and hopped over to Josh.   
  


"What's the matter girl? How come your all beaten up? I thought Ranma was teaching you?" Josh rolled over on her back and glared at Happosai.   
  


"Actually, this is the result of my first lesson!" Josh said with a little more than a little annoyance. Happosai nodded and then pulled out his pipe from his gi and started smoking.   
  


"Well My girl, you better heal up quick if you want to live through my training session tonight." With that Happosai pulled out a few small pills and gave them to Josh.   
  


"What!? What do you mean _your_ training session?" Happosai smiled proudly.   
  


"Well since your so respectful of me, I've decided to have you as my pupil. How bad do you want to learn martial arts girl?" Josh didn't need to think about the question at all. She merely answered automatically.   
  


"More than anything!" Happosai nodded and then rushed Josh, hitting her in certain points of her body with his pipe. Happy then resumed his place, standing over Josh's broken form smoking his pipe.   
  


"Eat those pills have dinner and then your lesson will begin." Josh looked confusedly at Happosai.   
  


"WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!" Josh screamed at the old pervert. Happosai just tsked and then began to walk towards the table.   
  


"Josh my girl. You must trust your teachers if you are to learn anything." Josh didn't question the old man's motives he was old and one of the most talented martial artists there is. She knew that he was right. He always ended up being right. With that in mind Josh downed the pills. She felt like she would die from the taste alone but after a few seconds relief began to flow through her entire body. And she felt better than new.   
  


The pills were some sort of super healing thing like the Senzu Beans off of Dragonball Z. Josh shrugged it off and walked over to the table for dinner.   
  


********** 

(Meanwhile)   
  


Evan was wandering the city buzzing. He was considering some unimportant things such as *When will I wake up, cause man this is a long dream! I wish it ended soon, and why can't I fly??? I always fly in my dreams I think Ah well!*   
  


Evan continued down the main street in search of pants, women stood with mouths hanging open, men rushed by to avoid this spectacle. Evan was oblivious to his startled surroundings and growing following of females. He turned once and decided there must be a sale at the Japanese version of the Bay.   
  


*What are these people doing? I must be a god or something in this demented dream. Hey, If you can't beat em join em!* Evan turned to address the gathering.   
  


"Um, Hi."   
  


The flock of women became disturbingly quiet.   
  


*Ok this is to weird maybe I should leave* He began to turn around when one of the many followers spoke up.   
  


"Um, Hi, Yeah Are you purposely walking around without pants?" The woman inquired.   
  


Evan glanced downwards, began to silently curse in English, then in German, and finally in the local language of Japanese.   
  


"Piece of crap!! Not again!! This is one sick and twisted dream!! I have to wake up!! Must wake up!!!!" The flock of females became worried about the mental condition of the cursing man in front of them. Slowly the one by one backed away, leaving only two of their kind behind, the town slut and an interested psychiatrist. The psychiatrist began to approach the still swearing Evan.   
  


"Excuse me sir" She began cautiously, "I think I may be able to help you."   
  


Evan stopped his cursing streak and perked up. "You have pants and Saki!!" He said excited.   
  


"Um no. However, I'm a psychiatrist, and I think you're delusional. You should come with me before you get arrested." She said as she started to lead Evan to her downtown apartment.   
  


Ten minutes later Evan was a little more sober and wearing a pair of borrowed woman's jeans, which were about ten sizes to small. 

"These pants hurt!!" Evan whined as he sat down on a nearby couch.   
  


"I'm sorry. Those are all I've got." The psychiatrist said. "Oh yeah, and my name is Shosuro Nokatsu. What would your name be?" Shosuro asked kindly.   
  


"Um, I'm Evan McNeely. Yeah so, why am I here again?" A confused Evan asked as he looked at Shosuro with un-blurred eyes for the first time.   
  


Shosuro was a small beautiful woman who looked as though a good strong breeze would lift her off her feet and gently place her in a nearby tree with ease. That's not saying that she was of extremely small stature, just that she was skinny, not to skinny but perfect for her 5' 6" frame. Her slim face was slightly tanned and was un-blemished, she looked like she had come out of a movie, or at least that's what Evan thought as he gazed upon her totally tuning her and the rest of the world out.   
  


"Are you listening to me Evan?!?" She said in a very frustrated tone of voice.   
  


"Yup, I sure am Um, what were you saying You know, um, for review." Evan lied as he actually listened to what she was saying this time.   
  


"Oh, well, if you want to review, I suppose that would be in order. Ok, so I think you are slightly delusional and may be a skitso." She said seriously.   
  


"Well that's nice. Glad to have that information. Tell me that when I wake up. K'? Great. I'm going to pass out now." Evan did just that as the confused psychiatrist began to jot down some notes about this interesting new patient.   
  


************   
  


(After supper at the Tendo house)   
  


Josh was promptly thrown into the Koi pond for the umpteenth time. Josh decided to sit there and just think for a moment. For some reason after Happosai hit those pressure points on her body she had been able to pick up martial arts much easier. He had already mastered Karate somehow. *Those points must have made me more perceptive. If I train for about a month like this than I'll be as good as Ranma.* Thought Josh. She got out of the pond and got into a karate stance facing off against Ranma.   
  


"Your a fast learner." Said Ranma as he got into a more advanced stance. "I'm surprised! Even I can't pick up moves that fast." Josh just shrugged.   
  


"I'm learning from the best." With that she rushed forward towards the pigtailed boy with fists balled. A flurry of punches erupted from the shorter blonde haired girl. Ranma was still much better and blocked every one. Josh then ducked down into a leg sweep which Ranma hastily jumped over, Josh then fired a swift kick aimed at Ranma's chest. It connected, sending Him across the yard. Ranma got up off the ground and decided to take his student's training to the next level.   
  


Ranma rushed forward and performed a complex weave of blocks and dodges, ending off with a judo throw. Ranma jumped back and got back into a stance as Josh picked herself off of the ground and glared at him.   
  


"Did you see what I just did?" Ranma asked with a smirk on his face. The pressure points Happosai hit on the teenage girl kicked in at that time and she automatically learned the moves Ranma just did.   
  


"Yeah! You did THIS!" Josh yelled as she rushed forward and did the same thing to Ranma that he just did to her not to long ago.   
  


All of a sudden a voice echoed across the lawn. "Ah, the sublime monkey disipline. There is only one counter for that!! And I will show you!!" Screamed the actually sober Evan from the doorway of the open shogi. The dark haired boy performed some non-sensical supposedly martial arts maneuvers, which did no more than confuse the on-lookers. Evan then charged from the doorway at Josh and attempted to pull off a flying kick. "AAAHHHHHH! WATOSAN!! TUTSEUOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" cried the supposedly sober man as he flew through the air. Evan landed about twenty feet from his desired target.   
  


"Whoh whoh whoh. Let me try that again. Ok. Alrighty then." Evan said as he smirked and screamed out, "MOOOOONNNNN!! TIARAAAAAAA!!!! MAGIC!!!!" He performed what looked like a sad attempt to perform another aerial kick. Which landed ten feet from Josh. "Piece of monkey shit!!!!!!!!! Josh You suck, just get kicked O.K!" Evan then charged at the new martial artist which resulted in Evan sailing through the air for the third time today. He landed gracefully on a rock face first, bounced twice then landed in the Koi pond.   
  


Josh big-sweated as she watched Evan make a total fool of himself. "Maybe we should end today's training now." She said to Ranma. Ranma nodded and they headed into the house. Josh was stopped however by Kasumi.   
  


"Excuse me but maybe you should pull your friend out of the pond before he drowns." Josh looked over to the pond and sure enough Evan was lying face first in the pond and not moving.   
  


"I think you should just leave the pervert there!" Offered Akane from her place at the table where she was trying to knit something.   
  


*Tempting but no.* Thought Josh before he walked over to the pond and dragged Evan out.   
  


"Hello! I'm the dutchess. Whickity... Whoopie... Me no fell so good."Josh sighed and dumped him off in the Dojo for the night. She then went up to the room she shared with Ranma to get some sleep herself, only not forced.   
  


************* 

(The next morning)   
  


Evan woke up in a strange environment. He glanced around swiftly, "Wha!! Where in Sam hell am I??!!??" Evan grabbed his head and slammed it off the floor. "Wake up you stupid drunk fool!!!! Whoa, I sound like Josh... Ah well" He commenced smashing his face off the floor in a sad attempt to awake from his supposed dream world. He was forcefully stopped from beating himself to death when Akane entered the room and with out asking questions hauled probably the biggest hammer from hammerspace and smashed Evan through the nearest wall and out into the yard where Ranma was busy training Josh. 

Josh and Ranma stopped fighting to see Evan fly through a wall into the yard. "Oh yeah! I forgot he was in there." Mused Josh as he saw Evan slip into unconsciousness. She shrugged and faced off against Ranma again.   
  


************   
  


(On the way to school)   
  


Evan sighed as he walked alongside Josh and Ranma towards Furinkan high school. "Joooooosh!" He whined, "Why do I have to go to school? They don't have saki there." Josh, who was wearing one of Ranma's blue Chinese shirts, sighed and punched Evan in the gut.   
  


"Because you have to. Besides, you don't want to get overly stupid now do you? It's for your own good." Josh was currently in female form, mostly because she had to go to school that way because she had signed up that way. Her arm was fixed now and the cast off. Of course that only meant that Ranma's training got harder. Josh mentally moaned as she thought, *Yeah as if it could have _actually_ gotten harder!* Josh rubbed a bruised rib she had aquired during training the previous night. *He's a lot more violent in real life, he and Akane were made for each other.*   
  


*I hate school. I could skip it because it's a dream right... But I'm not even sure this is a dream anymore, My psychiatrist said I'm skitso... I'm never skitso in my dreams. I don know. Ah well, might as well play along.* Evan thought as he walked grudgingly to the Concentration camp called school. "Yes... I like school a lot... Don't want to get dumb now do I... sure, I'm going to have fun today." Evan said as he thought about the others buying his stupid lies.   
  


Josh didn't buy it for a second. He glanced at Evan darkly . *What the hell is he thinking? He's gonna do something stupid and it'll get us all in a ton of trouble. Hell! All that crap that happened down in China was all his fault too, he'll probably screw things up in Japan too.* Joshes expression changed and she looked thoughtful. *He never used to be this dumb. He only started acting like this after the spell. Hmmm...*   
  


As the trio entered the gates of Furinkan, Kuno jumped out from behind a tree with a bouquet of flowers. "Aaah if it isn't the lovely golden haired goddess. Here." Kuno then throws the bouqet at Josh who side steps it and lets it fly out into the street.   
  


"Oh you've _GOT_ to be kidding me!"   
  


Kuno continued of course. "Tis a token of my love and undying devotion unto thee on this glorious morn. Akane Tendo too has already accepted my loving affection." Josh pointed to Kuno's face and looked questioning.   
  


"I can tell, that's quite a bruise yah got there."   
  


Kuno shrugged it off and flipped a lock of his hair out of his eyes, trying to look dramatic. "Yit but a love tap from my one true love."   
  


"One true love?" Josh asked. "I thought you liked the pigtailed girl?"   
  


Kuno fell to his knees and grabbed his head in agony. "TIS A VEXATION QUITE DIRE INDEED! I CANNOT BETRAY EITHER! I MUST HAVE ALL THREE!!!!"   
  


Josh sweated as he looked on at the old-school home theater. Some of the students were applauding Kuno's performance. "You've got to be kidding me." Josh said before Kuno rushed towards her. Kuno glomped onto Josh and hugged her. Josh tried not to throw up and put on a cute face, *Executing plan KUNO DROP!!*   
  


"WAI, WAI! Kuno-chan you really want to go out with me!?! I'm so happy!"   
  


Kuno looked at the girl confused and backed off. *What's this?* he thought. Ranma looked on in awe and amazement.   
  


*HE ACTULLY GOT KUNO TO BACK OFF WITHOUT BEATING HIM TO UNCONCIOUSNESS!!! AMAZING!"   
  


Josh then leapt at the confused kendo champion and returned the crushing hug. "We should go to the movies! Then we'll eat ice cream! Then we can go to the movies again and..."   
  


Kuno pushed Josh off of him and ran away. "GET THEE BACK DEVIL WOMAN!!" Josh put her hands on her hips and smirked.   
  


"HA Just as I thought!"   
  


Ranma walked up and looked at Josh in wonder. "How did you do that?" He asked. Josh looked at the pidtailed martial artist and smiled.   
  


"It's simple. Kuno is a masochist! He gets his jollies by haveing people hit him. Which means he probably gets off even when your beating on him in guy form." Ranma paled visibly.   
  


"OH GOD!!" Ranma's stomach turned and he held his mouth shut and ran towards the nearest bushes throwing up violently.   
  


Josh strolled into the building just as the bell rang and smiled. *I, Am, GOOD!*   
  


***********   
  


(In Ranma and Akane's first class)   
  


*This is one messed system, teachers leave, students stay, WHAT LEVEL OF HELL AM I ON!!!! Oh well at least I don't have to walk around and get hopelessly lost. People are staring, are my pants off??* Evan looks downwards, pants still on. *Nope, still there, am I a superstar or something... I know!! They must have seen my Evan-sennin-martial arts style back at the Koi pond... I thought my super powered Daredevil senses , um, sensed something...*   
  


Evan rose from his seat and strutted to the front of the class. "I know you all think I'm the best martial artist in the world so admit it!!! I rule!!!" Evan then preceded back to his seat leaving in his wake a hell of a lot of confusion.   
  


The teacher walked up to Evan and whacked him on the back of the head with a long ruler as hard as he could. It was a supply teacher and he was pretty strong so it hurt. "DON'T DISTURB MY CLASS EVER AGAIN YOU LITTLE PUKE SKIN MAGGOT!!!!!!" Evan cringed in fear from the person and rubbed the back of his head in pain. Dreams weren't supposed to hurt this much. Evan looked back to Josh and whispered "Keep him away from me. I'm scared Josh... Real scared." Evan shivered and turned around. He actually began his homework, this caused much disturbance in the class room. Whispers of "he's working!" and "holy crap! His pencil actually touched the paper!" and, "Did you see the size of his _thing_ yesterday?"   
  


The teacher heard the whispers and turned around 180 degrees to face them. "LISTEN UP YOU LITTLE SHITS!!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR CRAP!!! AS OF NOW YOU WILL DO THREE TIMES THE HOMEWORK YOU WERE ORIGINALLY ASSIGNED!!! NOW EVERYONE OF YOU TURD FACED MAGGOTS DROP!!! AND GIVE ME...TWENTY!!!!!!" All of the students got out of their desks and dropped to the floor to do as the new teacher commanded.   
  


Ranma had dozed off during the psychotic teachers lectures. The teacher noticed this and marched up to him and hauled him up to eye level by his hair. Ranma awoke and landed a quick punch to his teachers jaw. The teacher staggered backwards and released Ranma's hair. Ranma fell to the floor and rolled gracefully to his feet. The teacher was about to scream when a voice cut through the silence. 

"I think He's got PMS." The voice said, it echoed through out the room, a few students in mid-pushup fell flat out on their faces. The teacher from hell turned and faced this voice, the mighty voice was Evan! And he was waist deep in the smelly stuff.   
  


"YOU GRIMY PIECE OF CRAP!!!!! I WILL HAVE YOU DOING HOMEWORK TILL YOUR OLD AND GRAY!!! YOU SHALL DIE BEFORE FINISHING ALL THE HOMEWORK I"LL ASSIGN!!!" The substitute began but was rudly cut off by Evan's voice once again.   
  


"Will not."   
  


The teacher almost began glowing red with anger, he foamed at the mouth and puffs of smoke came out of his ears. Evan keeled over laughing at the red faced teacher. All of the students, save Ranma and Josh, were crouching beneath their desks and cowering in fear at the table. Josh was eating popcorn as he watched with a smile.   
  


"You teachers are all talk, I'd love to see your 'endless homework' It sounds like a Dragonball Z attack to me" The teacher grew redder and redder, his muscles bulged from beneath his shirt and threatened to rip it to shreds. "Careful you don't blow an artery there POPEYE, you might just explode at this rate." The teacher could have powered at steam engine with the smoke pouring from his nose and ears but Evan continued on.   
  


"I could go on and on, but I don't want to kill you. Know what I mean, huh, huh? Oooh, tough crowd." The teacher seemed to be losing control of his anger, but Evan seemed not to noticed. "What! Is it something I said?? Do I bother you??" Evan then began to speak with a very strong lisp "Youssh Myssh BumssBitchssh! Come on Josh you know the lines!" He said inviting Josh into the ring with the insane teacher.   
  


"See you later Evan." Josh then waved bye bye and the Teacher let out an enraged scream as he rushed towards Evan, in utter rage. Foam dripped from the teachers mouth and steam trailed behind him from his ears and Nose. The students had already cleared the room knowing already what was going to happen.   
  


*Uh oh.* Evan thought.   
  


*******************   
  


End chapter three. {Well that's chapter three and I'm diverging from the normal time line a bit. But I will get back on track and stay withing the regular Ranma 1/2 universe. Tarou will be coming soon to kick my ass so I'm sure my readers will enjoy that. I don't gots much to say in the autors notes today, I gots to work on my other fics a lot. Well heres Evans thoughts.}   
  


(Ice cream is good. That is my thoughts... what you asked for my thoughts!! Oh well on a serious note, I'm gonna be in pain next chapter so me haters will have a hay day!! Fun fun for everyone!! Yeah, so I'm actually going to go write some serious fics (BY GOD NO!!!!) Like Streets of Evil, (look for it on media miner and soon Fanfic.net)   
  


{Evan's actually got some really great ideas for fics. He's doing a Street Fighter/Resident Evil fanfic, and soon he'll be starting a Ranma/X-force/Spawn/Fantastic Four crossover called Ranma's HellForge. Neat huh? I'm actually looking forward to it and am going to be helping him write it. I ask that those readers of mine actually go to his site and read these. He's trying hard and I believe he needs some support.}   
  


That's all from us   
  


Morden Night(Josh): Chow! 

Agasaki Ishano(Evan): Sayonara suckers!!!   
  


  
  



	4. Panties 2

Check out the NEW Hotbot Tell me when this page is updated 

  
  


Self Insertion   
  


This is a self insertion fic. It's pretty much me and my friend get into a Sliders type mix up. Cept we go to worlds like Animes and Cartoons and Movies and other stuff. Both of us are writing it as well so the Genre will fluctuate. Be warned, be afraid, be readin' my story please. And enjoy.   
  


Disclaimer: I don't own nothin! Cept me!   
  


* *: Thoughts   
  


[ ]: Chinese   
  


Capital letters: Shouting or loud noises   
  


_ _: Stressed words   
  


~ ~: Computer messages   
  


{ }: Josh's own thoughts   
  


( ): Evan's own thoughts and location   
  


Chapter 4   
  


Panties   
  


*Hurt!! Pain!! Ouchiekins!!!* Thought Evan as he attempted to stand up from his hospital bed. *That teacher kicked my ass. Maybe I'm not dreaming... I gots to go see my psych.*   
  


"Hello? Is anyone here? I'm hurting and standing and it doesn't mix well." Said Evan as he collapsed to the cold floor.   
  


*Shiznack it's cold here. I'ma gonna get up now.* Evan thought as he attempted to stand again to no avail. Evan hit the floor with a thud. "Never mind the standing part. I'm on the floor and still in pain!" Evan became thoughtful   
  


*Maybe this is real. I'm not dreaming am I?? I don't friggen know!! Whoh wave of pain... Evan go bye bye...* He thought just as he passed into unconsiousness.   
  


*********   
  


"Well my girl how do you like it?"   
  


"SHUT UP! YOUR TRAINING IS CRAP! DO ACTUALLY GET YOUR KICKS OUT OF BEING BEATEN NEARLY TO DEATH? I'm a guy at the moment so don't call me girl!" Said josh in mael form as he ran alongside Happosai as a throng of angry females charged after them screaming obseities and waving large blunt objects around in the air.   
  


"Josh my girl. You've got to understand how this actually trains you." Happosai said with a grin as he flipped up a young girls skirt as he passed by her.   
  


Josh rolled his eyes and did just as his new master just did moments before to another highschooler. "It's obvious, you up your stealth techniques by stealing their panties right off of them and then you make sure they see you and you gain resistence to pain and such from all of the beatings they give you."   
  


Happosai stopped in his tracks and stared at the blonde boy with shock, "How did you...?" Josh just folded his arms and glared at the old man.   
  


"Oh please it's obvious! I knew that even before you gave me that pressure point. The only thing I don't understand fully is why you have to cop a feel every time, and why do you always keep their undergarments? It's unnatural."   
  


"That's my personal bui..."   
  


The old man was cut off when the mob caught up with them and gave them a beating.   
  


Meanwhile on a rooftop nearby Ranma watched and assessed the situation. *Hmmm. He's good and he gets better everyday. He'll never be as good as me though. Well at least I now know why Happosai always wants me to go panty hunting.* with that thought Ranma jumped to another roof and began leaping rooftops in the general direction of the Tendo Dojo.   
  


************** 

Evan found himself back in his hospital bed strapped down and buckled in. *Wha!! I'm being treated like Hannibal!! I hope I didn't eat anyone...* Just then a man walked in who appeared to be a doctor. *If I'm right and I usually am not... That must be Tofu or a doctor of some sort..*   
  


"Um hi." Evan said nervously to the doctor. "Who are you?"   
  


"I'm Tofu." The tall man in a brown gi replied calmly as he examined his patient.   
  


"Um this isn't some alternate reality where I'm Hannibal Lecter is it?" Asked a confused Evan.   
  


"Hannawho???" The doctor asked in genuine confusion.   
  


"Um just a serial people eater. Man I'm glad I'm not him."   
  


"Uh yeah so am I." The doctor said worriedly "I spoke with your Shirk and she says you are to go straight to her when you are finished here because of your 'disabilities'."   
  


"Yup ok. Can I go yet. My psych is hot."   
  


"Sure thing kid you are free to go anytime. Your wounds were mostly bruises and scrapes with minor cuts and some internal bleeding." Tofu reported calmly.   
  


****************   
  


At Shosuro's apartment   
  


"So you did recover from the massive beating." Shosuro said as she sat down in a large leather chair.   
  


"Um yeah I cleaned up quickly. That's something you anime worlds got going for you." Evan continued upon seeing Shosuro's confused look. "Ok I just found out that I was transported from my world, the 'real' world, to this 'Ranma 1/2' world. So you can remove the skitso notice thingie. K"   
  


Shosuro jotted some quick notes and began speaking. "I'm going to hook you up to some machinery and ask a few questions, Ok Evan?"   
  


"Yeah. Sure. Whatever." Evan said as he glanced around in search of the machinery.   
  


Shosuro slid back a fake wall to the left of Evan and revealed a large laboratory with stockpiles of mechanical devices. Evan almost fainted at the sight.   
  


"You sit here." Shosuro ordered as she pointed to a chair in the midst of the lab.   
  


"O-Ok." A very frightened Evan said as he edged towards the door of Shosuro's apartment.   
  


"SIT!" Shosuro said menacingly.   
  


Two hours later   
  


"I guess your not a skitso after all." Shosuro exclaimed.   
  


Evan sat strapped into the chair with IV after IV plugged into him. A look of pure terror plastered to his face.   
  


********   
  


Josh walked through the door to the Tendo Residence and walked straight to the couch. He lay down and gave a contented sigh. Happosai's training was weird yet affective. The women from earlier had beaten him senseless and somehow Happosai got away. Obviously he was in it for the fun. Josh felt a red hot chi signature nearby and sat upright looking directly at Akane who was glaring at him. He had no idea why, because he had done nothing to aggravate her to much since he got here.   
  


"What's up?" Josh asked the short black haired girl.   
  


"Where have you been!?" She asked threateningly. "Ranma told me you were out stealing panties with Happosai. I knew you were a pervert all along!" Josh rolled his eyes and lay back down on the couch.   
  


"I was training, Akane. Obviously you wouldn't know the difference between that and just plain old panty stealin, after all when's the last time you _actually_ trained? I sent apology notes to all the girls anyway. Relax."   
  


Akane's temper flared but Josh just lay there with his hands behind his head. Akane growled and then stomped off up to her room. Josh smirked to himself and then began to doze off into dreamland.   
  


SPLASH!!!   
  


Josh jolted upright with a start and looked around to see who it was that splashed him, now _her_. "Wh-What the?!" She spotted Nabiki standing over her with a pail of water and her usual smirk on. "What do you want Nabiki?" Josh asked in a dull almost challenging tone.   
  


Nabiki only smiled wide and handed the girl a pair of skimpy lingerie. "Time for your close up Mrs. Devil." She said. Josh sighed and grabbed the feminine undergarments.   
  


"Yeah, yeah! I know." Josh struggled against the pain of thirty women having beaten her up earlier and stood off of the couch. She then followed The middle Tendo sister upstairs for her, questionable, photo shoot. *you win some you lose some. Oh well at least it gives me a place to stay while I'm here.* She thought as she walked up the stairs trying not to stare at the other girls swaying behind. *least I get a place with a view.*   
  


*************   
  


Akane sat at her desk with a math book open. *Stupid Perverts!* she thought as she scribbled little doodles of Ranma and Josh with devil horns platypus bills and octopus tentacles. Though most would probably say it looked like a frying pan. *Why do I always get stuck with a bunch of Freaks and Perverts. Why is it all of the people cursed at Jusenkyo are jerks?* Akane's head looked up towards the wall separating her and Nabiki's room when she heard a thump. *What the?* she said. She rolled her chair back and began creeping as silently as she could towards the wall, she reached under her bed first and pulled out a small drinking glass. She then crawled on her bed, put the rim of the glass against the wall, and then put her ear to the bottom of the glass. She gasped at what she heard. It sounded like some one was having SEX! Akane's eyebrows furrowed and her imagination began to take over. *I'll bet someone snuck in through the window and is raping my SISTER!* Akane ran across her room and picked up a wooden Boken (sword) She then flung her door open and rushed next door. She threw open the door and ran through boken held high.   
  


"WHERE'S THE PERVERT!" She screamed. What she saw shocked and disgusted her. She dropped the bokken on her head and it bounced off and clattered to the ground. She stood motionless as she stared at the two unfamiliar girls on the floor locked in a very intimate position.   
  


One of the girls stood up and began to walk towards Akane, completely naked. "S-S-Stay back." Akane said as she slowly backed into a wall. The girl who had purple hair and deep brown eyes lifted her hand up to her head and pulled at her hair revealing that it was a wig. Akane gasped and covered her mouth. "NABIKI!!"   
  


Nabiki nodded and closed the door beside Akane. The other girl just sat on the floor with her arms crossed under her chest. "Akane..." Nabiki began.   
  


"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!!" Screamed Akane as she grasped for the door handle.   
  


Nabiki breathed out a sigh of frustration. "I was about to explain just a moment ago. May I continue?" Asked Nabiki. Akane nodded furiously. Nabiki then began. "Akane do you have a job?" Akane shook her head. "Do Kasumi or Dad have jobs?" Akane shook her head again. "Where do you think we get all of our money?" Akane looked confused as she tried to think about it, the provocative scene that had been played out before her eyes only moments ago kept on blocking those thoughts though and she just shrugged. "This is how I earn the money to keep this family afloat. I sell Pornographic pictures to all the perverted boys of the schools."   
  


"Schools?" Akane asked.   
  


"Yes schools Akane. Do you think all of the perverts are situated in Furinkan?" Akane looked shocked.   
  


"THEY'RE NOT!?!"   
  


"Hey Nabiki." Said the other girl. I'm gonna go get a drink or something. We can continue our shoot after your fascinating family meeting." The girl then took off her wig and went to put on some clothes that were lying on the bed.   
  


*Uh Oh.* Thought Nabiki as she felt the temperature in the room get hotter by about 50 degrees. Outside Evan walked by and noticed the boken on the floor.   
  


*Boken* "YOINK!" Evan then began to run away, until he heard the sounds of a womens yelling. Evan then looked back into the room and noticed there was two naked women. His jaw dropped and he just watched at the doorway.   
  


Back in the room "JOSH YOU PERVERT!!!" Akane screamed at the top of her lungs as she leapt towards the boy turned girl with a mallet held high. (Which she of course pulled out of nowhere[anime physics]{duhh}) Josh grabbed her pants and backflipped out of the way. She pulled her jeans on in mid air and landed in a cat stance.   
  


"Hey what do you think your doing? A man's gotta work." Josh said. "You don't like the way we conduct business get a job." She then silently added, "bitch!"   
  


"DIE!!!" The shorter, less busty, and more tomboyish girl (akane) screamed as she leapt at the aquatranssexual again. Josh dashed back and then spin kicked, driving her heel into Akane's side and throwing her into a wall, cracking it.   
  


Akane coughed and held her sides as she lay on the floor. *That hurt!* she thought. Josh calmly walked over to the bed and picked up the silk chinese shirt laying on the bed that she had borrowed from Ranma. "Serves you right. I've always wanted to do that to you. Course a while back you were just a cartoon character to me. Oh this is fun!" Akane screamed and leapt at her again fists balled and ready to strike.   
  


Josh spun around and grabbed her wrist out of the air she spun again and twisted the girls arm behind her back she then gave a palm strike to the back of her head while still holding her wrist and then swung her around and into a wall again. Josh then began buttoning up her shirt and smirked very much like Nabiki usually did. "Had enough?" Then she silently adds, "bitch."   
  


Akane held her nose which had taken the brunt of the impact and was currently bleeding. She glared at the boy turned girl as she realized that the girl was almost as good as Ranma and wasn't holding back, much.   
  


Just then a new voice rang out from the doorway. "JOSH!?!?!?!?!?!" The voice came from a boken holding Evan with a very confused look upon his face. "What is going on??? Why were you naked??? I-I'm scared. Someone hold me. How about you?" Evan brightened up abit when he addressed Nabiki. "If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me??" Evan asked hopefully. 

Nabiki steped back and told Evan to piss off or pay the price (which is 50000 yen mind you). Evan decided to try the run away and cry gig which seemed to work.   
  


A few minutes later Evan finds himself in the front yard of Furinkin high with the rising star aka Kuno about five yards away. Evan climbed up a nearby tree and addressed his new found foe.   
  


"Be warned foul dog!! Ye faces a great new foe!! Tis I Evan!! The newest rising star of kendo and Furinkin high!! Take thy stance and prepare to duel!!"   
  


Kuno did just that as he unsheathed his boken and stood in a defencive stance. Evan lept from the tree that he had been hiding in. He landed gracefully and summersualted forward and began his attack. Evan swept his boken in front of him which was easily paried by Kuno.   
  


"If that is all ye has! They methinks ye should give up your fight!!" The rising star taunted as he bvegan an assult of his own.   
  


Evan parried all attacks with minor difficulty and swung his boken at Kuno's head. The Kendo "master" instinctivly raised his boken to block and in turn recieved a swift kick to his exposed stomach. Kuno doubled over, winded.   
  


"I stike when mine opponents show weakness, tis strange that I did not attack sooner for thine own weakness is clear to see." The black haired boy said as he held his boken point inches from Kuno's forehead. "Apears the duel is mine. You fight well Kuno. Train harder and Thou shall see me again for a rematch."   
  


Evan walked dramatically away. *That was envigorating.* He thought as he walked.   
  


Back in Nabiki's Room. Josh smiled darkly down at Akane as she struggled to get up off of the ground. Her nose was bleeding profusely and was obviously broken judgeing by the odd angle it was currently at. "Why are you attacking me anyway?" Josh asked. "I'm just helping Nabiki make money so she can keep you and your family fed and clothed and such. Why don't you explain exactly why your throwing a tantrum?"   
  


Akane just glared at the short blonde haired girl. "Raping my sister!... Kill you!" Akane's head whipped to look at the now only half Naked Nabiki who had just started laughing her head off.   
  


"R-RAPE!?! HA HA HA HA HAAA!! Oh my god Akane you are so naive! Have you been listening to a word we've been saying? We're taking pictures and selling them for big money so we could live!" Akane stared at Nabiki in shock and then fainted from exausion.   
  


*********   
  


Meanwhile Evan was wandering the town in search of a money source to buy something he had been wanting for some time now. Just through begging he had collected 50 yen which was not enough for what he had in mind. Just then a thought passed into his mind as he seen a woman staring at the front of his pants. *I could pull a China on a smaller scale and get the cash I need!!*   
  


Evan addressed the staring girl and asked if she would like to be shown a good time for a small fee. The girl flushed but agreed to his offer and handed him 200 yen as a down payment.   
  


Two hours later Evan emerged breathless from a geisha school that he had just been "teaching", a large wad of bills overflowed his pockets. *That makes 250000 yen, enough and then some. I feel bad about the whole saki thing, so I'll just donate the remaining cash to the Tendos.* Evan smiled as he got some warm fuzzies about the good deed he was about to perform for the Tendo house. *First I got to get my new outfit.*   
  


Evan stepped from a tailor shop thirty minutes later wearing a large baggy blue silk shirt and equally baggy black silk pants. From his crimson belt two katana hung on the left side and on the right a second pair of longer ornate katana. He stepped into the fray and felt like royalty as people parted to allow the man passage. He still had around 100000 yen left for him to give to the Tendos for their hospitality. Their was a shout to the right of Evan, and as he turned to see who it was a boken came flying towards him. Evan roughly caught the weapon and prepared to face his enemy, one hand steadying the boken, the other on one of his less ornate katana. A man emerged from the crowd, boken held in front of him. Evan moved his second hand up onto the boken a prepared for the inevitable duel. Kuno laughed and spoke out to the crowd, "This man, he is nay the rising star he shall claim to be. From all ye doth know, I Kuno, am the true rising star of kendo."   
  


This brought a few snickers from the crowd, all of which were silenced by Evan with a wave of his hand. "Kuno, why doth thee declare what thou dost know as false? Thou dost make a mockery of thine self and thine family. Ye should be ashamed of thine self. Laugh not at this man people of Nerima, Ye all should instead have pity upon the poor soul who dost think that he is what he is not." Evan said eloquently as he turned in slow circles to address the whole crowd which grew as he spoke.   
  


"Ye dost attempt to make jest of the BLUE LIGHTNING!!! Tis thee that shall fall today Evan!" Kuno yelled as he charged at the unmoving and unimpressed Evan.   
  


Kuno wildly swung twice, both swings were easily evaded by Evan who brought his boken down roughly on Kuno's hard head. "One point for me as it seems. Shall we go to five from a fresh start?" Asked an eager Evan who then stepped back to allow his opponent time to regain his posture.   
  


Kuno nodded in agreement to this contest and took an offensive pose this time. Evan smirked and struck towards Kuno's head, Kuno who had anticipated the same attack as last time guarded against a kick to the gut and was rewarded with a thump on the head. "That's two." Evan declared as he took another step back to allow Kuno some time to retaliate.   
  


Kuno took the time to plan out a battle strategy. He swung first at Evan's legs which was unexpectedly jumped, Evan, on the down fall struck Kuno again over the head with the wooden sword. "Three for me." Evan said triumphantly and took another customary step backwards. "Care to try once again." This brought cheering from the crowd, who were obviously enjoying themselves.   
  


Kuno flailed his boken wildly in frustration at the obviously superior Evan. Kuno's sweeps were narrowly avoided, but through the disorder struck a confident Evan who afterwards recieved a cheap shot to the back of the left leg, making him stumble and fall. Kuno laughed and raised his boken in the air in victory. Evan got up slowly, shaking off the pain in his leg, anger flared through his eyes and he unsheathed a katana. Evan stalked up to Kuno and swung the katana over Kuno's head, slicing the "rising star's" boken clean in two. Kuno stopped his celebrating and a look of fear crossed his face. Evan unsheathed a second katana and struck a battle pose.   
  


"Kuno, thou hast proven to me that ye be a coward, and by my code. ALL COWARDS MUST DIE!!!!" Evan yelled as he charged the now fleeing Kuno.   
  


Evan stopped after chasing him for about a block and sheathed both swords to watch the coward run for his life. *Funny, yes. Fun, yes. Helpful, no. I learned nothing in that spar, I need to learn more if I'm to live in this town. It's obvious Kuno won't help me that way, he's to weak. I need a challenge, I need to lose. I've been good with a blade for sometime now and I thought Kuno might be the same way. I was dead wrong. Maybe I'll find Lord Covenant and he'll teach me something. Yeah right!! Covenant isn't even in the Ranma universe... but he is a hellspawn. Nah it'll never happen, not even in one of my fics. (Lord Covenant is from Spawn the dark ages.)* Evan considered writing a fic about that for sometime and decided against it as he approached the Tendo house.   
  


**************   
  


Akane awoke to Kasumi's smiling face. A pleasant way to wake but not regular. "Wha-where am ? I remember Josh, naked, fighting." Akane hung her head in shame, "Losing. I lost to that PERVERT!!!!" Kasumi frowned.   
  


"That's not very nice Akane." She said in a motherly scolding kind of way.   
  


"W-Wha!?" Akane asked totally confused as to why her own sister would take that half boy's side.   
  


"From what I hear, you attacked Josh for helping make money for our family, then when he defended himself you got angry and started attacking mindlessly."   
  


"But, He was...with Nabiki...as a _girl_!!" Kasumi sighed.   
  


"I know, and I have known for a long time now that Nabiki sold pornographic pictures to provide for us. You should be thanking Josh for helping out not trying to kill him."   
  


"YOU KNEW!!!!????!!!!" Akane screamed in total shock. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU KNEW!!!!????!!!!"   
  


Kasumi put a hand on Akane's shoulder to calm her down before she hurt herself. "Akane, I'm not to pleased about how Nabiki has chosen to make money, but it was one of the only ways we could get such large amounts of money. We have a big house and a large family. Father is too unstable, your too temperamental, I have to do the cooking and cleaning all the time and the dojo is having to be constantly repaired because of your tempers. Now I want you to go and apologize to Josh right now."   
  


"What!?! But Kasumiiii!" Akane whined. "He beat me up and broke my nose."   
  


Kasumi frowned pointed at the stairway and glared at Akane. "_He_ was the one who also patched you up, and _you_ attacked him! He was merely defending himself."   
  


Akane sighed and walked up the stairs with her head hung with shame and regret. *Apologize to a _boy_ Humph* she thought as she walked towards the room that Josh Ranma and Mr. Saotome shared.   
  


Evan entered the Tendo house and found a frowning Kasumi. *Whoh! Something is way wrong!! Kasumi? Mad? No frigging way!!! I must be dreaming!!* Evan got the courage to approach the still peeved Kasumi and asked, "Are-are we going to have dinner anytime soon. I-I I'm hungry."   
  


Kasumi swiftly turned to the new comer and put on a welcoming face. Evan was taken aback by the sudden change and leapt backwards. Kasumi looked puzzled for a second, then recognized the face.   
  


"Oh I remember you, you're Josh's friend Evan aren't you. You've been sleeping on the couch without pants for sometime now haven't you."   
  


Evan was clearly taken aback, again, By the sudden changes. He started to whimper and huddled in a ball by the couch. "Who-Who are you?? What have you done with the real Kasumi!!!"   
  


Kasumi, again, put on a confused look. "_I_ am Kasumi. What are you talking about?" *I knew he was seeing a shrink but this is too far.* "I'll just fix you a seat at the table now." she said slowly to get her point across to the quivering man before her.   
  


Evan seeing an escape from the _obviously_ fake Kasumi, runs up the nearby stairwell to find Akane hesitantly apologizing to an equally confused Josh.   
  


*I-I'm scared* Thought Evan as he resumed cowering.   
  


Josh looked over to his friend and smiled, this seemed to agitate Evan somewhat. "Hey Evan. I'm gonna go down to an arcade later. I saw one down town wanna come?" Josh said. Evan lost all signs of fear and looked...normal.   
  


"Oh! Video games. I'm there." Josh nodded his head, recognizing that his friend from back home will be joining him.   
  


Josh smiled as he walked down stairs to go talk to Kasumi. *Now all I gots to do is find somebody else to come...who has money we can use.* Josh saw Kasumi putting on a jacket and her shoes at the front door. "Where are you going Kasumi?" Josh asked.   
  


Kasumi smiled {was there ever a doubt} and said, "I'm going to the market to get some groceries for dinner tonight." Josh smiled and offered to escort her.   
  


"You know it's getting late, sort of, a pretty lady such as yourself shouldn't go out all by herself. I'll join you if that's all right with you?" Kasumi smiled and blushed a little, covering the slight redness in her cheeks with her hands hoping he wouldn't notice {yeah right}   
  


"I wouldn't mind. Thanks for offering."(Josh is picking up!!) The couple {couple} left the house and began walking (walking) towards the market. {shut up Evan!}(Evan)   
  


**************   
  


Evan began slinking away from the fuming Akane. She glared at him and addressed him.   
  


"If you tell anyone, I will _KILL_ you!"   
  


Evan, who was obviously not listening, but focusing more on getting as much distance between him and Akane as possible. Evan, on the way out, bumped into Ranma.   
  


"Oh, hey Evan. Is dinner ready?"   
  


Evan looked Ranma in the eye. "Ranma... You will not believe what just happened. Akane... apologized... to... Josh... Kasumi... was... mad!! WORLD IS ENDING!!!" Ranma backed away from the delirious Evan.   
  


*Something is most definitely wrong, Akane saying sorry... to a _boy_. Kasumi, mad. World ending... wait a second!! The world's not ending.* Evan waved farewell to the pensive Ranma.   
  


"Going to run away to arcade!! Bye!!!"   
  


Akane glared at the retreating Evan and then at Ranma. "Don't..." Ranma put up his hands to stop her.   
  


"Akane, please. This is the most amazing thing you've ever done, I'm gonna tell the whole SCHOOL!" Akane screamed and pulled out a mallet from nowhere, Ranma was already running away, having anticipated this reaction.   
  


**************   
  


Josh smiled and opened the door to the Tendo house once they got back. Kasumi giggled and walked through while she covered another blush with her hands. "Thanks for coming along with me Josh, it was really nice of you."   
  


Josh shrugged it off. "Naw. I'm just a big ol nice guy.(Achoo, bullshit!) I enjoyed myself. Spending my time with such a lovely and kind woman is always a pleasure." Kasumi giggled again and walked into the kitchen to start dinner. Josh followed, watching her {ahem} closely.   
  


"What are you doing?" Asked Kasumi Josh looked up at her eyes and smiled again.   
  


"I thought I might as well help with dinner too. I've always wanted to learn some Japanese dishes and since your a black belt in cooking you'd be the perfect teacher." Josh said truthfully   
  


"You cook?" asked Kasumi confused.   
  


Josh shrugged it off. "What are you kidding me? My Fajita's are the best in Canada. I'm surprised you've never heard of them." Kasumi giggled and entered the kitchen. Josh followed,   
  


"Maybe you can show me how to make these Fajita's sometime?" Kasumi asked as she put on an apron and began getting the ingredients for dinner.   
  


**********   
  


Evan was skipping down the sidewalk towards the arcade singing loudly in english.   
  


"I've got no money!!! HEY!!! I've got no money!!! Hey... wait a sec, I do have money... but it's for the Tendo's...." Evan's shoulder devil took control. "What they don't know won't hurt em..." His shoulder angel kicked him in the head. "But I can't... Video games... nice Evan... video games... nice Evan!!! I must have bo.... Wait!!! Kuno flash backs... cannot have both! Bad Evan!!! Or can I" A devious look crossed his face as he entered the arcade.   
  


Evan approached the owner of the establishment a few minutes later.   
  


"Excuse me, would you sell me your arcade?" a hopeful Evan asked of the obese arcade owner.   
  


The owner smoothed his comb-over and looked pensive. "How much do you have?" He inquired of the younger man.   
  


"50'000 yen." Evan said.   
  


The owner sat down in a chair and frowned. "I won't sell it for anything less than 100'000 yen."   
  


Evan growled and glared harshly at the owner. "You can't sell something for more than it's worth! It's against the law!"   
  


he owner stood up and slammed his palms on the desk between them. "I AM ABOVE THE LAW!!" The man's comb-over fell down when he screamed that. He then pulled out a container of gel, squirt some in his hand and smoothed his comb-over out. He then sat down calmly.   
  


Evan shrugged off a major deja vu and placed a hand on one of his katana. "I think you'll sell for 50'000 if you know what's good for you." Evan threatened as he half-unsheathed the blade.   
  


The owner reluctantly agreed to the price saying, "You will pay. Oh yes, you will pay." He glared as he held out his hand for the money.   
  


Evan threw the wad of cash at the overly fat owner and commented. "Damn fool! You FAT!!!" The owner then grunted as he struggled to bend over and pick up the money on the floor that had bounced off of his BELLY! Evan began laughing maniacally as the fat man's pants lowered during the bend revealing the crack of his ass. "HA HA HAAA!!! IT'S A FULL MOON TONIGHT TUBBY!!! If you we're a truck you'd have a bumper sticker on the back that said wide load!"   
  


The man quickly got the money off of the floor , struggled to get back up and then waddled out the door, crying. Evan smiled as he sat down on the reclining chair behind the desk and he smiled as he over viewed the office that he now owned along with the arcade shop that was next door. Evan opened up one of the desk drawers and discovered that it was filled with candy bars and twinkies. "SWEET!" Evan noted, he shut the drawer and opened the one beneath it. It contained several bottles of high quality sake. "Looks like Evan's taking the day off!" He noted as he uncapped the bottles and began downing them two at a time.   
  


************   
  


Josh smiled as he tasted one of the dishes in one of the many pots. "Yummy!" he said as he put the ladle down and continued to add some ingredients. "Need's more bamboo chutes." Kasumi giggled,   
  


"You're good at this Josh. You have a real knack at cooking."   
  


Kasumi smiled at the aqua-transsexual, Josh shied away slightly at her smile. Josh gathered courage and looked her in the eyes lovingly.   
  


"Kasumi. I need to ask you something." Josh said, carefully choosing his words.   
  


Kasumi met his look and responded sweetly. "What is it Josh?"   
  


Josh began to speak, but the words caught in his throat. His struggle for words was interrupted by the phone ringing. Josh answered, slightly annoyed.   
  


"Tendo residence, Josh speaking."   
  


"HEY!!!! WhaT's GoiNg On!!!! WoRd id BorN HomO Geeeeeeeee!!!!"   
  


Josh rolled his eyes and spoke into the receiver with an extremely annoyed tone of voice. "Evan, your drunk again, stay off the streets I don't want to have to bail you out of jail for indecent exposure again." Josh then hung up the phone and returned to the kitchen.   
  


"Your friend again?" Asked Kasumi politely. Josh nodded sheepishly.   
  


"Yeah he got drunk again. Now, as I was trying to say I was wondering if...."   
  


RIIIIINNNGGGG!!   
  


Josh frowned and looked dejectedly at the phone again. "Oh this is romantic!" He grumbled silently to himself as he answered the phone again. "Hello Tendo Residence."   
  


"DoN'T hang Upity!!!! EvaN DiD GooD!!!!!"   
  


"Yeah well you can tell me about it later I'm trying to do something very important at the moment if you phone one more time I'm going to personally castrate you with a pair of rusty old plyers soaked in IODINE GOT IT!?!"   
  


Evan sobered up for a moment. "Owwie! Um dude, I wanted to say that I bought a ARCADE!!! Kick ass, nein?"   
  


Josh shrugged. "That's nice. Keep up the good work. BYE!" Josh then went back to the kitchen. Kasumi was there waiting for him.   
  


"Is everything alright?" She asked. Josh pinched the bridge of his nose and tilted his head back.   
  


"Yeah. Everything's peachy. Listen, I've been living here for almost a month, I was wondering, well, that is I've grown quite attached to you and... well you see, what I'm trying to say is, er, ask is um do you want to go out on a...date with me? Friday maybe?" (Good job Josh, real smooth.)   
  


Kasumi blushed and looked towards the kitchen where the neglected food was beginning to boil over the rim, turning into some sort of black ooze. "Um, I've got a lot of work to do around the house."   
  


"Oh come on!" Josh said. "The family can take care of themselves for one day without you. Take the night out, splurge, have fun, live it up. Your young beautiful AND talented, you shouldn't stay cooped up in a house all of the time cooking and cleaning. It's not healthy. Get out and enjoy life."   
  


Kasumi blushed and nodded. "You're right. I'll go. How about Friday?"   
  


"Friday's fine. Uh I guess we should finish dinner first." Kasumi looked towards the kitchen that was now covered in black, bubbly ooze. Kasumi gasped and covered her mouth. Josh put his hand on her shoulder and smiled not unlike a knight in shining armor.   
  


"Don't worry I got the perfect way to fix this."   
  


****************   
  


Later the Tendos all sat round the table waiting for their meal to be served, Ranma and his father were also there as well as Happosai. Josh brought a large pot out of the kitchen and set it on the table in front of the family Kasumi followed him out and put some other items on the table.   
  


"Josh?" Asked Happosai. "You helped make supper?" Josh nodded.   
  


"Yes master, actually Kasumi's dish flopped so I taught her how to make one of my own dishes. I had to substitute some things for the stuff I didn't have but they taste just as good as the original." Akane looked disgusted as she eyed the pot in the middle of the table. She turned her nose up and turned her head away.   
  


"I'm not eating anything that _you_ made!"   
  


Josh sat down and began eating along with the rest of the family who were enjoying the meal immensely. Except Ranma who could hardly taste it as he shoved it into his mouth at light speed. "You don't have to eat it if you don't want to Akane. That just means that there's more for us. You can make something for yourself." The aqua-transsexual then began eating again. Akane looked reluctantly at the food on the table. She wasn't as stupid as she looked and she knew that her food was horrible, so the girl reluctantly picked up one of the homemade fajitas that was already pre-wrapped in the large pot and began eating.   
  


Josh smirked as his fajita's once again melted a reluctant soul into eating them. "These are actually pretty good." Noted Akane. Josh shrugged his shoulders.   
  


"Of course they are, Kasumi helped me." Josh noted as he smiled at said girl who blushed in return at the praise and the attention. "By the way, on Friday, Kasumi and I aren't going to be here, so you're all going to have to fend for yourselves while were gone." Nabiki's right eyebrow shot up and she looked inquisitively at her employee and house guest.   
  


"Hmmm, where is it exactly you two are going?" She asked suspiciously. Josh just shrugged.   
  


"We're just going out on a date. We're gonna be fairly far off so we're gonna be back pretty late." Everyone stopped eating, except Ranma Genma and Happosai who happily polished off the fajitas, and stared at the blonde Canadian. Soun began crying.   
  


"WAAAAAAAH My baby girl is leaving the nest!" Nabiki looked suspicious...still.   
  


"So Josh," Nabiki began, "Where are you taking my sister?" Josh looked thoughtful,   
  


"Well I was thinking of taking her out dancing, after we catch a movie, then well eat dinner at some sort of fancy restaurant, the best there is of course, then...I think we'll go for a nice long walk."   
  


"Sounds romantic." The brown haired girl noted. "How are you going to pay for all of this?" She asked, Josh smiled and held up a finger,   
  


"Now that...is a secret."   
  


Akane who hadn't said a word since Josh started bolt upright and glared at the blonde Jusenkyo cursed boy. "YOUR TRYING TO DEFILE MY SISTER!" She screamed. Josh looked at her tiredly.   
  


"Here we go again." He muttered to himself.   
  


"What about Tofu?" She asked Kasumi, "I thought you loved him!"   
  


Kasumi frowned, _really_ frowned. This scared most present for a moment. Kasumi then just looked sad. "What about Tofu?" She asked, Akane gasped. Kasumi continued, "I've been waiting for him to ask me out on a date for about six years, I'm tired of waiting all he ever does when I'm around is act like fool. Josh is a nice person and I feel comfortable around him."   
  


"So your just going to toss Tofu away like an old shoe then?" Akane asked with anger laced in her voice.   
  


"HEY!" Josh yelled as he stood up and looked Akane straight in the eye. "Tofu's the one who threw HER away like an old shoe! I know Kasumi better than most of YOU do? She deserves better than Tofu!" Akane was fuming.   
  


"Your just a PERVERT! A SEX CHANGING FREAK!"   
  


Josh glared at her harder. "Oh sure Akane! Try to turn things around on me by making fun of my disability! That's mature!{sarcasm} You might as well kick the legs out from underneath a cripple and stomp on a retard's head! That's low!" Josh then stormed off to the room that he shared with Ranma. Kasumi wiped her mouth, threw the napkin on the table and then followed. Everyone else just sat there. Nabiki began munching on a fajita.   
  


"That went well." She noted.   
  


***********   
  


Evan sat in the large cushy chair he had just purchased from a local furniture store after raiding the arcade machines for money. *Hmm. I'm bored. I _could_ kick the kids out of my store again... but that decreases revenue.... I _could_ contemplate the existence of black holes using evidence from this astro-physics book I stole off some customer kid. Hey sounds fun!!! Wait... _Me_ _learn_? NEVER!!!!!........Ah what the hell!*   
  


Evan began studying the book and it's complicated knowledge. *DAMN SKIPPITY!! This is some wack ass shite!! HOLY GANGSTA BATTY MAN!!! i'm bored... Nothing to do.*   
  


Evan tossed the book to the side of his large desk. He reached down into the first drawer and produced a few twinkies. He began consuming the icing filled pastries, all the while pondering his next action. *Wait a minute! Astro Physics!!!!! Black holes sent people into different universes in this crappy movie I seen!!! Maybe that's what happened here!!!! Nah...* Evan returned to scarfing twinkies. He reluctantly reached towards the scientific book he had pilfered from a paying customer. He leafed through the pages of the large text book and found that he understood only the basic concepts he had learned from TV and the likes.   
  


*Whoosh! Over my head here. Maybe I should start at the basics.* Evan flipped to the contents page of the book, looked up black holes and turned to the marked page.   
  


*Now I'm getting somewhere.*   
  


***********   
  


Josh lay on his back staring at the ceiling in his room. *God! This is messed up. I always thought Ranma was supposed to get all of the attention.* Josh sighed and rolled over he grabbed a manga that he had purchased the day earlier from under the futon and began reading it. It was a original DragonBall Manga. Josh began to chuckle as he flipped through the pages. "Now I see what Evan found so interesting in these books." Josh's head flipped around towards the door just as Kasumi opened it up and walked through.   
  


"That wasn't very smart announcing that to my family like that." Kasumi said as she walked over and kneeled down beside Josh. Josh sat up and looked her in the eyes.   
  


"Kasumi It wasn't stupid. What's stupid is how your family overreacts to everything that concerns dating or marriage. They're far to serious and need to stop looking at the world in black and white. They need to realize that there is a grey area in the middle." Kasumi contemplated that for a moment. It made perfect sense to her.   
  


"Why did you do it?" She asked.   
  


"I don't want to hide it or anything." Josh said. "I just want you to be happy. I want to be happy and I'm pretty sure that were gonna both be very happy on Friday. Wouldn't it be nice to get away from it all for a bit?" Kasumi nodded.   
  


"I always have wanted to get out on my own and do what I want to do."   
  


Josh shifted so that he was looking directly into her expressive brown eyes. "What is it you want Kasumi? I've seen you allot but your always cleaning cooking and doing whatever others ask you to do. I've never once seen you express what you want in life."   
  


Kasumi blushed. "I want... romance, and I want to be loved. I want to get married someday and have a career. I want to finish my education and make up for all the fun I've missed these past ten or so years." Kasumi paused for a moment and looked back up at Josh who was smiling gently. "What do you want?"   
  


"I want you to have what you want Kasumi." He said. "I want to give you what you want, I want you to be happy." Josh smiled and their faces shifted closer together.   
  


"What else do you want?" She asked almost seductively. Josh smiled and moved closer.   
  


"Have you ever been kissed?" He asked, his hot breath tickling her neck and giving her shivers.   
  


"Have you?" She asked in an almost anticipating shaky voice.   
  


"I'm about to." he said in a whisper. Their lips connected lightly and their bodies moved closer together Josh put his right arm around her shoulders and deepened the kiss a little, Kasumi kissed back, she was sloppy, but Josh had never felt anything as wonderful as this in his life. They ended the kissed and slowly moved away from each other. Kasumi blushed and stood up.   
  


"It's getting late." She said. "I'm going to go to bed now." Josh nodded and blushed a little himself.   
  


"Yeah I guess I should to. Josh shoved the DragonBall Manga under the Futon again and, after Kasumi left, stripped down to his boxers and climbed in.   
  


************ 

Evan popped a quarter into the machine in front of him. *This is fun stuff. Asian's make great video games! Where is Josh anywho?? Whoh weird train of thought. Ah well, more games for me!*   
  


A scrawny boy stepped up behind the now owner of the arcade and gently coughed for attention.   
  


Evan glanced back at the tiny child and swiftly turned back to his game. The boy coughed again, Evan backhanded the boy to the machine across the row. "Evan play game now! No bother Evan!!!"   
  


***********   
  


Two days later. Josh yawned and woke up. He looked at the calendar that was hanging up on the other side of the room and smiled. It said FRIDAY! Josh practically skipped down stairs all the while a tune running through his head. *I'm the only person, U huh, yeah, who's ever got a date with a fictional character. Break it down OW!*   
  


He walked into the kitchen and saw Kasumi there as usual. She was blushing. Josh smiled. *Oh YEAH! Stud master! She's all hot n heavy after last night.* Kasumi pointed to the boy and blushed even more.   
  


"Your in your boxers." Josh looked down and then smiled. Then he ran upstairs to get changed. He passed Nabiki on the way up who was carrying a glass of water. She splashed Josh with it and was prepared to make a snide comment to poke fun at him but the boy turned girl ignored it and just ran by. Seemingly not having noticed.   
  


Later. At school. Josh literally skipped down the hall ways to her class. Evan was following suspiciously, all the while keeping just enough distance to avoid being seen with the skipping girl. *Man! This is like a reversal of roles!!! Usually I'm the one making an idiot of my self!!! Weird!*   
  


Evan continued to ponder this sudden role reversal all the way to class. 

Josh was humming and daydreaming all day through school. Evan just sat at the back of the room glaring at Josh whenever he wasn't reading his book on astro physics. He had also picked up a book about the history of Magic, Quantum physics, and electrical appliances. *Hmm? What's this? I think I may have just figured a way to get out of this crazy universe! Cool! I'm actually smarter than I look!*   
  


"JOSH!!!!!" Screamed the teacher. "DROP AND GIVE ME FIVE HUNDRED!!!" Josh continued humming and smiled.   
  


"Sure!" She then began doing the pushups that her drill instructor math teacher told her to do. *I don't care what all happen's during the day! I've got a date tonight and nothing's going to ruin that! It's going to be Perfect.*   
  


*************   
  


{The end! Of the CHAPTER DOLT!! }   
  


(HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got smart. Fancy that! Yeah momma!!! I'm smart!!! Um, yeah that's all for this chapter from me. Bye. From the almighty hella powerful Agasaki THE PARODYMASTER OF FURINKAN HIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! etc etc)   
  


{Yeah this is a little odd of a story. We're basically trying to screw things up as much as possible in this story. One thing I can admit is that If I was in the Ranma 1/2 universe I would ask Kasumi out on a date. No lie. I actually like the sweet and nice, nice type of girl. Big deal. We're gonna meet up with Pant Man in the next episode. Grrr! As well as the Over obsessed psychotic Fat Ass Fanboy! I know it doesn't sound like much of a villain but He's gonna whoop Evan's Ass. As well we'll also see what happen's on my and Kasumi's date. (Score!) I'm gonna go a little serious in the next chapter (I'm not) as well we'll leave the Ranma universe and start trouble somewhere else. It'll be cool especially when we meet sailor moon. WHEE!}   
  


Chow 

Konichiwa   
  


Morden Night and 

Agasaki Ishano   
  


  
  


anime_morden@crystal-tokyo.com 

agasaki@crystal-tokyo.com   
  


(Oh yeah we do stuff on the internet. NAHHH! What is the internet!!! Oh well, check out my meaningless page about the Forthmonkeys. Don't ask.)   
  



	5. The Date

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Self Insertion   
  


This is a self insertion fic. It's pretty much me and my friend get into a Sliders type mix up. Cept we go to worlds like Animes and Cartoons and Movies and other stuff. Both of us are writing it as well so the Genre will fluctuate. Be warned, be afraid, be readin' my story please. And enjoy.   
  


Disclaimer: I don't own nothin! Cept me!   
  


* *: Thoughts   
  


[ ]: Chinese   
  


Capital letters: Shouting or loud noises   
  


_ _: Stressed words   
  


~ ~: Computer messages   
  


{ }: Josh's own thoughts   
  


( ): Evan's own thoughts and location   
  


Chapter 5   
  


The date   
  


An overly obese man in a cape strutted through the arcade with an AK 47 strapped to his back. The words 'the COLLECTOR' written on his chest in neon pink letters. Customers of the arcade gawked at this travesty of justice! Fat people in spandex, wearing capes should not be allowed to strut!! No strutting for fat people, and the cape!! Oh god, don't even start with the cape. Anyway, the fat guy approached the door to Evan's office and drew his weapon. He politely knocked on the door then, when receiving no answer, slowly opened the door and squeezed inside.   
  


Evan looked up at the intrusion to his office and frowned he was in the middle of learning a magic spell from a book he had stolen from Cologne. "HEY!" Evan said. "You can't carry around guns like that it's against the law!"   
  


The fat guy screamed piggishly. "I AM ABOVE THE LAW!" His comb over fell over and he pulled out a tube of gel from his spandex covered rolls and smoothed his hair over.   
  


"Oh, O.K. Then I guess I can do this." Evan waved his left hand and muttered some words, The fat man's gun turned into a tub of lard. "Enjoy."   
  


"NO! What have you DONE!...NOO!" The fat man said. "NOO!" Evan looked at the fat man and laughed.   
  


"You are FAT!"   
  


The collector muttered some obsenaties and then ran towards Evan in a furious blood lust. Evan waved his hands through the air and then some water appeared out of nowhere and doused the fat man. The fat man all of a suden turned into a beautiful young woman with large breasts. {not that he didn't have those before}Evan smiled evilly and glared at the man. "Now my fat friend. Whenever you are splashed with cold water you will turn into a beautiful young woman and only hot water can turn you into your original tubby over obese insanely fat form."   
  


The beautiful young womanwoman looked down at herself and noticed that her clothes were nineteen sizes to large for her. "I'm thin?" The girl then got a happy expression on her face. "I'M THIIIIIIIIINNNN" She then took off the baggy clothes and ran out the door.   
  


Evan looked confused. "Woah Nutty Proffesser flash back."   
  


**************   
  


Back at the Tendo dojo. Josh fixed his blue tie. *Sexy man!!! If I were a chick... Wait I am, sometimes. Oh well I'm SEXY!!* He continued to think like this for quite a while as he fixed and re-fixed his blue tie. Josh then got a frustrated frown on his face as he undid and re-tied his tie for the fifteenth time. He looked at it and then grabbed his hair and screamed. "AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHH!!!"   
  


Josh then ran out of his room and down the hall to Kasumi's room where she too was currently getting ready for their first date. Josh knocked on her door once and then opened it. "Kasumi! I can't get my tie on right! Could you help me?"   
  


"Sure thing Josh, just a second Ok." She said as she fixed a wrinkle in her form fitting red dress.   
  


Josh was stunned at the beauty before him, his jaw almost touching the ground. "Yeah... sure... just a sec..."   
  


Kasumi turned to face Josh, "Is something wrong? You sound different." She said a little worried.   
  


"No. Everything is great, just great." Josh said as a feeling of extreme pleasure ran rampant through his brain. Josh composed himself and handed her the Blue tie. She took it and brought it around the back of his neck she tied it quickly and perfectly.   
  


Josh looked at himself in Kasumi's mirror and then mock glared at her. "You know...your making me look bad." Kasumi giggled and then pushed him out the door. Josh smiled then turned around to see Akane and Nabiki staring at him angrily. "What?" Josh asked the two suspicious sisters.   
  


"I hope this date will go through without any problems or..."   
  


"Pervertedness!" Akane finished for Nabiki.   
  


Josh groaned and walked past them. "Please. Don't be so immature. I'm just taking her out on a date. The best damn date she'll probably ever go on too I might add. I've got a lot of nice stuff planned for this evening and I don't want a couple of jealous immature little sisters ruining our time together. Tht means that I don't want you to put any camras or anything in any of our stuff Nabiki! And no spying Akane!" I wouldn't do that to you and I'm sure that you'd want your eldest sister who has cared for you for nearly your entire lives to have at least one night out to herself."   
  


With that Josh turned and entered his room to finish dressing.   
  


************   
  


Evan looked over to his rather large stack of finished arcane books. *Whoa! That's a lot of books! And they were all free.* Evan smiled evilly and picked up his old astro physics book. *I think I can get us out of here. And soon. I just need to combine pieces of magic and quantum technology. And I know what that means!!! FACTORY RAID!!!!*   
  


Evan walked out the door of his arcade and stopped at Samurai death match 21. *But first. Some arcade goodness.* Evan noticed the scrawny boy from before approaching the machine, quarter in hand. Evan waited for the right moment. The boy slipped the quarter into the slot, and Evan struck the kid up top the head, knocking him unconsious.   
  


"YOINK!!!!!!"   
  


A half hour later, at the factory of quantum physics machinery. Evan, dressed in a black gi, approached the sleeping guard. *I must not be seen.* He thought to him self. He then produced a roll of duct tape and tore off a piece, then after carefully inspecting his surroundings and humming the James Bond tune, placed the piece of tape over the guards eyes. Evan then proceeded into the factory.   
  


"YOINK!!!" He yelled as he ran from the factory a sack of stolen goods slung over his back. *They'll never catch me* He thought, just a second before he bumped into a burly guard. Evan was taken a back for a second. He then smirked and waved his hands through the air, producing a spray of Jusenkyo cursed water, dousing the guard and transforming him into a penguin. He then booted the animal into the nearby guard station, startling the tape blinded guard inside.   
  


*********   
  


Evan dropped the large sack of stolen machine parts on his desk at the arcade that he had purchased. He then began rooting through it for certain parts and pulled out some tools he began putting together a small handheld timer inspired by Sliders. He looked up some info on the Internet and found the exact same spell that had sent him and Josh to this world in the first place. It said something about planets and cycles then Evan began observing astrological charts and solar system rotations. He then infused the timer with magic and a small spell rewind system that would read the spell when the timer got to a certain point.   
  


Evan held up his creation to the light and cackled maniacally "IT'S A MACHINE! IT'S A MACHIIIINE HA HA HA HA HA !!!" "HA!"   
  


**********   
  


Josh smiled as he walked down the street with Kasumi by his side. She had her arm looped through his and they were walking through the park. They were taking a long walk to work up an appetite. They had taken one of the bullet trains to Okinawa where they would dine, dance, and watch a movie. Josh had made sure that they were as far away from Nerima and the Tendo dojo as possible. Sides he had heard that Okinawa was a nice place to visit.   
  


They were nearing an expensive Italian restaurant. They had been talking all the while through the walk. They walked up to the front door and a snooty waiter was looking at them snidely. "And you are?" He said to the pair of teenagers. Josh smiled at the man.   
  


"Reservation for two. Under Tendo." The waiter looked at a list that he had right beside him and scrolled down the list. He stopped and then put on a friendly demeanor.   
  


"Ah right this way sir." He then lead them inside the restaurant.   
  


*************   
  


(Later at about 9:00 in the morning)   
  


Josh woke up with a headache. A BIG headache. He grabbed his head and grit his teeth trying in vain to hold off the pain for a moment. It was a throbbing pain that threatened to implode his head. Josh looked around the room but everything was blurry and he couldn't tell where he was. The only thing he could tell through his haze was that he was in a bed. He held his head with his left hand and moved to lean to the side on his right, but his eyes flared open and cleared up just a little bit as he realized that he was leaning on a body. An arm to be exact. Josh slowly turned his head toward the other person in bed and immediately sobered up when he saw who it was. "I am SOOOOOOO Dead!" Josh mused.   
  


***************   
  


"And now... My next creation." Evan said as he held three small metallic disks into the air over dramatically. Two of the three disks were about an inch in length where the other was an inch and a half, all were only a few centimeters in width. "Now I need a reliable doctor..." Evan contemplated this. "A mad one would be nice... But Tofu will just have to do." Evan then rushed off in the direction of the clinic.   
  


**************   
  


Josh Began to pace frantically, casting glances to the still sleeping person in the bed on the other side of the room. He held his chin in deep contemplation. Sweat poured off of the boys body and he was in only in his boxer shorts, which he didn't even have on when he woke up. He had spent the first ten minutes after waking up just looking for them.   
  


"What the HELL am I gonna do!?" Josh said pulling at his hair as he dropped to his knees. He heard a moan and then he jumped behind a window curtain trying to desperately hide himself from the wrath of the woman.   
  
  
  


Kasumi awoke with a moan. She smiled as the sun from the window shone on her face from outside. She turned her head to the left and then sat up noticing the absence of a person beside her. "Josh?" She asked looking around for said person. She got up off of the bed and let the bed sheet fall to the ground. That was the only thing covering her naked body and Josh who was still standing by the window hiding could slightly see the reflection. He desperately tried to not turn his head for a full frontal view but he was a weak minded man. This slight movement caused to be the boys downfall. For the girl heard this and began walking in his direction. Josh turned around and chanted a silent mantra to himself.   
  


"Don't wanna die, Don't wanna die, Don't wanna die, Don't wanna die." The boy then froze stiff as a board when a pair of slender and soft arms wrapped around him and pulled another body up close to his back. Joshes eyes widened to the size of diner plates and he began looking for some sort of escape, ANY sort of escape but there was none. He was already caught in the belly of the beast.   
  


"Where were you?" Kasumi asked, her warm breath tickling his back and giving him goose bumps all over, making him shiver slightly. "I almost thought that you had run off."   
  


Josh shook his head and just pointed out the window. "I was just taking in the view."   
  


Kasumi giggled a little and began to run her hands slowly down his chest towards his boxers. "That's what you said last night." Josh grabbed her hands and pulled them away, spinning around to look her right in the eyes.   
  


*What the Hell's going on?* Josh thought. *Kasumi's was never this forward in the manga. And how did I end up in a motel in the first place?* he looked down at the girl in front of him and sighed. "Kasumi, about last night..."   
  


Kasumi put a finger up to his mouth and said. "Yes I wanted to talk about that."   
  


"I'm s..."   
  


"Josh." She said cutting him off. "I had the most wonderful time last night, I wouldn't change it for the world. I've never felt to free and wonderful. Ever since my mother died all I ever did was take care of my family. Nothing else." She grabbed hold of josh's hands and gazed into his eyes intently. "This was the most wonderful thing I've ever felt and I feel...Whole. Complete, and somehow more happy than I've ever been."   
  


Josh looked shocked. *Is that POSSIBLE?!* Josh was completely speechless he didn't know what to say.   
  


"I guess it must be...Love." Kasumi said.   
  


Josh felt his knees turn to jelly and just wanted to fall down on the floor and faint. "Will you marry me?" He asked before he could even stop himself. The shock of what he just said didn't hit him until about thirty seconds after he had said it.   
  


"Yes." Was the girls answer. This was too much for Josh's migraine infested head to handle and he fell to the ground unconscious.   
  


*************   
  


"I guess I'll do it." Tofu said, "Considering the exorbant amount of money you are offering. I mean 150000 yen, That's quite a bit for a small surgical procedure."   
  


"Yeah I guess it is a bit much, but I do want it done right so the extra yen just seals the deal." Evan said as he handed the doctor a large wad of bills. "I want to be unconscious for the operation."   
  


Tofu nodded and lead the black haired boy to the operating room. "Take this mask, and explain the procedure again."   
  


"Ok, I want these two disks," He said handing Tofu the one inch disks. "Inserted into the palms of my hands. Under the skin. Then this disk," Evan said as he handed the final one and a half inch disk to the doctor. "This one goes under the skin, on the back of my head, right here see." He said pointing to a softer part of the skull just before the neck. "Now I've marked the exact spot where the incisions should be." He said pointing to the red dot on the back of his head.   
  


Tofu nodded "Got you. Now put on the mask and I'll put you under." Evan did this and blackness consumed him.   
  


*********   
  


Thirty minutes later Evan woke up. *Time for a test.* Evan ran out side and tapped his palms together gently.   
  


A spark of electricity formed between his hands. Evan spun his hands around each other and the electricity grew tremendously, a small beep went off in his head. *Level one* He thought.   
  


He waved his arms around his body and instantly his body was ionized and electricity danced across his torso and arms. He began spinning his arms again, but slower this time, another beep went off followed by a slightly louder beep. *Level Two*   
  


Evan's body began to glow with electricity and the small bolts grew to much larger ones, Evan remained spinning his arms in intricate circles around each other. Another beep went off followed by two louder beeps and a long buzzing. *Level Three, time to let loose.* Evan spun on his heel, stretched his left arm toward a building and spread his fingers apart. This action was rewarded with five large bolts of electricity that arched towards the building leaving a gaping hole in the wall that revealed some very surprised elderly people. Evan nodded to the people and barely held in his joy. "It worked..." He said in awe at his invention. "The ionizer works." He skipped off down the street screaming, "THE IONIZER WORKS!!!!"   
  


********   
  


Josh awoke with another killer headache. This time it was because his head hit the floor. When he went unconscious. The first thing he saw was Kasumi sitting close by with a wet cloth. Josh grabbed her hand and held it to his chest giving a sigh of relief. "I just had the strangest dream." Josh then opened his eyes and looked around, noticing he was still in a motel of some sort. He noticed the single bed on the far side and that he was in nothing but his boxers. "Josh groaned and then reluctantly said. "Let me guess. We had sex and then I proposed to you?" Kasumi nodded.   
  


"Yes."   
  


"And you said yes didn't you?" Josh asked again.   
  


Kasumi just nodded this time. Josh sat up and held his head. "I guess we better get back to the dojo, everyone will be worried about us I guess. I mean we are over a day late." Josh said with a little bit of a chuckle. 

Kasumi nodded and josh went over to the side of the bed where he noticed his clothes sitting, and put them on, or at least what was left of them. Josh looked down at the clothes he was wearing and then looking up at Kasumi in confusion. "Did I get into a big fight or something?" He asked.   
  


Kasumi covered her blushing cheeks with her hands and looked to the floor. "I guess you could call it that."   
  


*****************   
  


(Somewhere else)   
  


Evan was brooding on the Tendo Arcade roof top. *All super heros brood on roof tops, so why not join the crowd?* He thought as he crouched down to sit down on the ledge of the roof, *Brooding is boring, I could go into a Tick speech... But nobody is here to be confused... I'll just roof hop till I find bad guys... Wait, I don't have the leg muscles to roof hop, well I guess I'll just walk around till some one does something bad.* Evan then hopped off the ledge and onto the roof. He then made his way to the stairs and into the arcade. He noticed the small child who he continually beat up before his 'transformation'. He crept up behind the kid and screamed, "GET OUT!!!!! ARCADE IS CLOSED YA BUNCH OF PUNKS!!!!!!"   
  


*Time to right wrongs and wrong rights or something.* Evan marched out the door, after a few seconds he burst back into the arcade. "I don't have a costume!! What can I do... Buy one... Nah I'm to cheap... I'll just threaten some tailor to make me one, and if he doesn't then I'll... I'll... I'll probably end up paying him." Evan rushed into his office, grabbed a large bundle of money, then rushed out the door of the arcade towards a tailor shop.   
  


***************   
  


Josh smiled weakly as he and Kasumi entered the Tendo household arm in arm. *How in the name of GOD am I gonna explain any of this!?!* Josh mused silently to himself in his head. He and Kasumi rounded a corner and came upon all of the Tendo family just standing there looking at him. He moved over a little and hid slightly behind Kasumi. Akane glared at Josh with hateful eyes. "Where the HELL where you? How come your so late!?" Akane demanded of the boy. Josh shrugged.   
  


"Uhhhh It's a....long... walk?" he said unsurely. Hoping desperately that he could keep this a secret from Soun as long as possible, knowing that he'd be overjoyed at the prospect of one of his daughters getting married. Josh would surely get rushed into marrying.   
  


""He proposed to me and we're getting married!" Kasumi said with a huge smile on her face as she latched onto Joshes arm. Josh could almost feel Akane's mallet impacting with his poor head already.   
  


"WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Everyone in the house said in utter shock. Instead about being insane with fury, Akane was just angry and decided to voice her opinions. "Kasumi! What about Tofu!?" The short haired girl asked. "I thought you LOVED him!" Kasumi frowned.   
  


"What about that jerk!" Kasumi growled at the floor. Everyone did a double take.   
  


"Oh my god the world truly is ending." Nabiki mused to herself. Tears welled up in Souns eyes and he rushed toward the pair arms outstretched. The older man grabbed them both in a bone crushing hug/   
  


"OH I'M SOO HAPPYYY!" He said with tears streaming from his eyes in literal buckets. He held them out at arms length and smiled widely. "We'll have the wedding immediately!" Josh did a double take.   
  


"NUH UH! I ain't getting married to no one in such short notice! Give us at least a week! I'm still getting over the shock that I proposed to her in the first place!" Josh yelled in his defence.   
  


Soun smiled. "Fine, a week it is." He gave josh and Kasumi one last hug and then rushed of to call all of his relatives and friends. Kasumi smiled and then began walking towards the stairs. "I'll go make our bed." She said looking back at Josh for a moment before happily skipping up the stairs. Josh dropped to his knees and stared blankly at nothing in particular.   
  


"Why me?" He asked to no one in particular.   
  


Josh then noticed that Nabiki and Akane were glaring daggers at him, actually it was more like they were glaring Nuclear weapons at him. "You got some heavy explaining to do." Nabiki noted to the short haired aquatransexual.   
  


Josh whimpered and slumped down to the ground. "Somebody help me."   
  


***************   
  


Evan entered a random tailor shop and strutted up to the counter, "One Super hero costume please, it must look exactly like the old Electro costume from Spider-man." This comment got a strange stare before the clerk nodded and asked.   
  


"Will you be paying in cash?"   
  


"Um... yeah sure. Cash. How much exactly?"   
  


"500 yen for pre made, or 1000 for custom fitting." Evan handed the clerk 500 yen.   
  


"I guess pre made. Cause I've only got 500 yen here. My size is 37 I think."   
  


"I'll measure to be sure." The clerk said with a gleam in his eye.   
  


"Um... Ok, but no groping!" Evan said as he noticed the gleam, and the man's similarity to Happosai in looks.   
  


The clerk nodded, he began to measure Evan and soon finished. "You are a 35. Guess you lost some pounds." He said in a slightly stereotypical gay voice.   
  


"Um.. Yeah... Can I have my costume now?" Evan asked nervously.   
  


The clerk nodded and disappeared into the storage room. Evan twiddled his thumbs and realized he was creating a small electric charge between his thumbs, "Crap!" He fired off the charge at the floor, which was metallic. He heard a slight yelp of pain in the storage room. "Oops. Hehehe." The clerk appeared a short moment after with a Electro costume in size 35.   
  


"Here you are sir." He said as he rubbed his knee joints in pain. "One Electro costume. Enjoy."   
  


"I will thank you very much!" Evan then looked at the costume. "Hold up!! This costume is PINK!!!"   
  


"Uh, yes it is. Is there a problem?"   
  


"Damn STRAIGHT there is a problem!"   
  


"OOHH!!! Don't use the 'S' Word!!! I'll fix your little problem."   
  


"Yes, you do that STRAIGHT away." Evan said, over emphasizing 'straight'.   
  


The clerk covered his ears and hummed loudly as he rushed into the storage room to get the right coloured costume. Evan began charging another spark, which he fired into the floor. This rewarded him with another yelp of pain. Evan snickered evilly. 

The Clerk returned with the correct costume and was again rubbing his knee joints in pain. "You fall?" Evan asked with a tinge of laughter in his voice.   
  


"Um, yes I did." The clerk said as he handed him the costume, "Much better." Evan noted as he began towards the changing room. When he entered he could see a video camera in the corner. Normally people would be completely oblivious and wouldn't have noticed it. Evan just zapped it and fried all of it's circuits. Along with blowing up all the lights in the establishment.   
  


"Whoops." He said noting the pitch blackness of it all. He decided to make an escape. And ran out of the store with nothing but his super hero costume.   
  


***********   
  


Nabiki and Akane glared at the blonde haired boy that sat across from them at the table. "So what exactly went on last night that made you propose to my sister?" Nabiki asked calmly but with an icy glare that could freeze fire. Josh whimpered and slumped his shoulders.   
  


"Well I got drunk."   
  


"So you asked her to marry you just because you were drunk!?" Akane asked angrily getting ready to pull out her mallet.   
  


Josh shook his hands from side to side trying to defuse the situation. "WAIT, WAIT! I wasn't drunk when I asked. I just woke up and then..."   
  


"And then?" Nabiki and Akane asked simultaneously leaning forward with similar glares on their faces.   
  


Josh stopped himself and then jumped up and tried to run up the stairs as fast as possible so that he could get away from the girls. "GET HIM!" cried Nabiki as she pointed to the retreating person. Akane jumped up from her seat and ran after him.   
  


"GET BACK HERE YOU PERVERT! YOU DEFILED MY SISTER!!"   
  


Josh didn't dare look back he just kept running. There was only one place in this world that was safe for him to go. He ran up the stairs and burst into Kasumi's room who was busy setting up a two person bed. Josh ran behind her and held her in front of him in between him and the enraged girls that soon followed.   
  


"HELP ME KASUMI!" Josh said as he trembled behind her.   
  


"What's going on?" Kasumi asked in confusion.   
  


"We just want to know WHAT exactly went on last night that would make him propose!" Yelled Akane.   
  


"Oh is that all?" Kasumi asked with a smile. "First we had dinner and we went to a movie, and had a walk then we went to a hotel, checked out a two person room with one bed and had sex." Joshes eyes flared open in confusion and shock. He stood up spun Kasumi around and held onto her shoulders and looked her in the eyes intently.   
  


"HOW COULD YOU JUST BLURT THAT STUFF OUT SO CALMLY!?!"   
  


"They asked. I told." Kasumi said with a small smile. Josh finally couldn't take it and flopped down on the bed and sighed.   
  


"How did my life get turned so upside down!" He groaned. Kasumi sat down beside him and he sat up. She put a comforting arm around him.   
  


"Do you not want to marry me?" She asked. Josh sighed.   
  


"I do."   
  


"Then what is the problem?" Kasumi asked. "You want to marry me and I want to marry you so why don't we just get married."   
  


"You want to marry me?" Josh asked confused.   
  


"I wouldn't have said yes if I didn't." Josh suddenly felt surprisingly comforted and then they leaned forward and kissed each other. Akane who was still standing in the doorway. Suddenly had a massive Ki eruption at the sight. And screamed in utter Primal Rage.   
  


"PEEEEERRRRVVEEEEEEEEEERRRRRTTTTTT!!!!"   
  


Josh, Suddenly remembering why he was running away broke the passionate embrace with his fiancé and jumped out the window into the yard below. "SEE YAH!" he called as he began running away as fast as a black belt martial artist of several styles could go.   
  


"II"LLLL KILL YOU!!" Screamed Akane as she gave chase.   
  


**************   
  


Evan walked back to the arcade, electrocuting people as he went. Everywhere people's hair stood on end and their nerves were shot. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!" The man in the Electro costume laughed manically as he zapped some more pedestrians, shorted out a stop sign and blew up a car. *Wait! I'm the good guy!!! Cops should be here any minute to cart me away... Well I won't let them.* Evan smiled evilly as he began to power up the twin ionizers in his hands. He quickly reached level three and found that if he slowly approached level four he could progress to level five smoothly and without fear of shorting out the circuitry. Sure enough the police came just as he reached level five. The police were shocked, both literally and mentally, at the massive bolts of electricity surrounding the teen.   
  


"CODE RED!!! I REPEAT!!! CODE RED!!! ALL EMERGENCY FORCES TO BE REDIRECTED TO THE MAIN STREET TO DEAL WITH A HYPER POWERED INDIVIDUAL!!!" The chief of police screamed into his intercom and minutes later, as Evan approached level six, backup came. "CEASE AND DESIST YOUR CURRENT ACTIONS... Um what is this guy's name?" The chief asked nervously.   
  


"We don't know sir." one of the officers replied as he aimed his rifle at the youth. "Great! A no name case! Fire at will is my order, I'm going home."   
  


Bullets flew at Evan, but none seemed to hit, as each was molecularly shredded in mid-air by the high electricity ions.   
  


"YOU CANNOT HURT ME!!!!" Evan screamed at the gathered law enforcers. "YOUR BULLETS CANNOT REACH MEE!" All of a sudden Evan was knocked off of his feet and all the energy that he was holding on to shot of in random directions. All the police fell to the ground and the energy shot by them either blowing up their cars or blowing up random street signs and buildings.   
  


Evan looked around to whoever could have done that while he was progressing to level seven. He saw Josh standing there and growled while pointing at him angrily. "YOU!"   
  


Josh smiled and looked at his hands in amazement. "Hey, I just learned how to fire off Ki blasts. COOL! Wait'll I show Kasumi." Evan charged forward in a rage and charged up to level two on the way. Josh stepped out of the way and then kicked him in the ass sending him flying. He then shot out another Ki blast at the villain who turned around just in time to send of a Third level electric attack to cancel it out. They stood up and faced off against each other.   
  


"Who are you?" Josh asked. The strange dressed man. "You look like a cheap ripoff of Electro."   
  


Evan growled. "EXACTLY THAT'S THE POINT!" Josh blinked as he recognized the slightly hysterical voice.   
  


"Evan?" He asked in confusion. "Where did you learn to shoot off electricity? You look like a reject for the fifth Pokemon movie."   
  


Evan laughed. "Heh. Pokemon. That's funny!" Josh walked up to Evan laughing and then kneed him in the groin when he got all of his trust up. "That's not funny." Evan said in a high pitched squeaky voice. Josh then punched him in the back of the head and rendered him unconscious.   
  


"Friggin idiot." he muttered under his breath as he hefted the body over his shoulder. He waved to all of the police who were only now getting up. "I got it from here. He's as good as harmless!" He called out. All the cops then pulled their guns out on him.   
  


"DROP ELECTRODE!" The chief of police yelled. Josh shrugged and dropped the unconscious body on the ground. He then picked him up again and ran away.   
  


************   
  


Evan awoke with a headache. He looked around to see several people. They were all blurry but they soon came into focus and he could recognize who they were. Ranma, Kasumi, Nabiki, Akane, and Josh were all looking over him with concerned looks on their faces.   
  


"You were concerned about me?" Asked Evan in wonder.   
  


Josh shook his head. "Nope. We just dumped you on the ground and decided to play a game of Monopoly."   
  


"I was out that long?" Evan said, holding his head as a wave of nausea washed over him. Josh nodded.   
  


"Yeah and I won too." Nabiki frowned at this.   
  


"You cheated."   
  


Kasumi frowned at her middle sister's reaction. "Nabiki it's not nice to make false accusations. Besides I saw you cheating."   
  


Evan rolled his eyes. "Figures. Hey where are my clothes?"   
  


"You're wearing them. Idiot" Akane said with an angry glare.   
  


"Evan looked confused. "This is new."   
  


Josh looked over at the corner where Evan's Electro costume lay. Evan followed joshes gaze and then jumped up and ran for the costume. Josh jumped up and kicked him into a wall. They were in the dojo so it didn't really matter.   
  


"Oh no you don't!" Josh growled. "I don't want you throwing around lightning bolts again. Especially around here!" Evan stood up and then rubbed his palms together electricity gathered in his palms and then he thrust them out and the energy hurled towards Josh. The blonde haired aquatransexual hadn't expected this and got his full force, his hair stood on end and he fell to the floor. Evan laughed maniacally, picked up his costume and ran out the door. Before leaving he yelled out.   
  


"I DON'T NEED A COSTUME TO DO THAT SUCKER!!"   
  


The three Tendo sisters and Ranma looked down at the now unconscious Josh Kasumi smiled and then said. "Who's up for scrabble?" Everyone shrugged and then Ranma ran into the house to get said board game.   
  


************   
  


Evan rushed down town, wary of any officers of the law. He slowed his pace to recap what had just occurred. "I just zapped my only friend in this universe! I didn't accomplish what I wanted to do and help people. I didn't tell Josh that we are leaving in a little under a week and I got power hungry because of this damn costume!!" Evan tossed the costume in a nearby garbage can. "And I didn't tell the Tendos about their new arcade and instead came off as a villain!" Evan hung his head in shame. He continued to walk and soon passed Genma and Soun who were just leaving a local bar completely, entirely, utterly PASTED.   
  


The two men staggered into an alley and soon passed out. Evan reminisced about his drinking days and stayed to guard the two from the pant thief that had so plagued him in days gone by. But Evan had kicked that habit, yes he tossed that habit like the sake bottle he had just finished. Sure enough a man approached. He had squinty eyes and an outfit made entirely of pants.   
  


*This must be my man* Evan thought as the relaxing effects of the alcohol flowed through him. *Time for my revenge!*   
  


Evan smirked as he charged at the pant thief, with a level three charge ready. But the thief also seemed to be ready as he swiftly turned a harmless pair of pants into a snare that made Evan fire of his blast inaccurately, destroying some public property.   
  


"You have pilfered your last, pant thief!!" Evan declared dramatically as he forced a bolt of electricity to strike behind him for extra drama.   
  


"Oh, you must be the Electrode! You will make a worthy adversary!" The thief stated, "I am... PANT MAN!!!!"   
  


Evan broke down laughing. "Pant..." He broke up laughing again, "MAN!!!!! That is the funniest name I ever heard!!!" the electrical boy rolled on his back hysterically laughing at the stupidity of the thief's name.   
  


"At least I'm not named after a pokeman!!" Pantman countered.   
  


Evan instantly snapped to a evan-sennin battle pose which involved some very complex balencing, "Leave Pikachu out of this! I just want to know one thing." Pant man shrugged.   
  


"Okay ask away."   
  


"How come if your hobby includes stealing only pants, where do the boxers go, and how come I always wake up all tingly and funny feeling?"   
  


Pant man sweated heavily. "Never mind that Electrode! PREPARE YOURSELF! PANTALOON TYPHOON!"   
  


Pant man thrust his arms towards Evan, pants erupted from all over the thief's body, the majority was blue jeans. The pants moved as if they had a life of their own, spiralling towards Evan and kicking up dust. Evan shrugged off this display of stupidity and began charging for the kill however the tornado of pants reached him and one of the pants brushed across his arm and sliced through it. Evan held the wound on his arm and realized.   
  


"These pants are razor sharp!" Evan quickly charged up his ionizers and shot a level two blast at Pantman. The electric attack shot through all of the pants in a chain reaction and struck pant man. Who screamed and fell to his knees in pain.   
  


"Heh, don't like electricity do you? Well I've got lot's to share so I'll give you a second dose!" Evan yelled out, trying to keep conscious after the blood began to spill out of his arm and trickle to the concrete. He shot off another bolt of electricity at pant man who got up and dodged it this time.   
  


"HA HA HA! You can't defeat me! BELLBOTTOM BLAST!!!!" He yelled pulling a pair of bellbottoms out of his clothed and held it over his shoulder. The bellbottoms became as stiff as a board, he then pulled a trigger on one of the pant legs and then two rockets shot out and flew towards Evan. Evan sweated feeling the effects of the blood loss he closed his eyes and awaited the end.   
  


****************   
  


Back at the dojo everyone was looking glum except Josh who had won every single board game that they pulled out of the house. Even the ones he didn't know how to play. Nabiki looked the worse for wear. She had bags under her eyes and her hair was matted and looked as if she had tried to pull it out in frustration. "I win." Josh said once again for the umpteenth time that night. Nabiki growled frustrated and grabbed her hair and started pulling at it in fury.   
  


She set up another board game in record time and glared at Josh with unrivaled hate. "AGAIN! PLAY ME AGAIN!" Josh looked a little nervous.   
  


"Maybe we should stop. You don't look so good Nabiki."   
  


"I WON'T STOP TILL I'VE EXPOSED YOU CHEATER!!" Nabiki screamed at Josh. Akane, though she disliked Josh could definitely see that if Nabiki didn't stop she would have some sort of nervous breakdown. She leaned over to Josh and whispered in his ear.   
  


"Can't you just lose on purpose and get it over with?" Josh shrugged and looked a little scared.   
  


"Don't you think I've already tried that?!" He said in frustration. "I just can't lose for some reason!" Aken frowned and tried to devise some sort of plan to get Nabiki to win. She remembered back to her and Ranma's father's Shogi games. When nobody was looking she took about fourteen of Joshes pieces and ate them. It was hard to swallow but this was for her sister's sanity. Thirty minutes later Nabiki shot to her feet and thrust her hands in the air.   
  


"YEEEESSS I DID IT!!! I BEAT HIM!!! HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!"   
  


Everyone cringed and inched away slowly from Nabiki.   
  


***************   
  


The next morning Evan awoke in an alley, pantless. *Deja vu. I didn't get drunk did I?* He pushed up with his arm and cried out in pain. " OOOOHHHHH THAT HURTS!!!!!" He stopped his whining when he heard a pair of simulations moans a bit further down the alleyway. *Who the heck is down there!?! And how did I...* Evan cringed "Pant man." He said menacingly, his eyes darkened with hatred as he said this and then rolled to his feet to investigate the moans. *Genma and Soun? What are they doing here?* Evan then had a painful flashback of his losing battle with Pant man and how he was watching over the drunk pair. *I got my butt kicked, and my arm was sliced open by his damn Pantaloon majigger attack.* Evan liked the feeling of waking up in an alley pantless and without a hangover. It was better than with one.   
  


Evan grabbed Genma and Soun and helped them to their feet, then they began walking towards the Tendo Dojo. Screams ensued in the early morning.   
  


When they got back to the Tendo dojo they weren't met by anyone. There appeared to be nobody home. Evan took Genma and Soun around the house trying to find one of the others. He heard somebody scream out in the dojo and figured that Josh must be practicing. He took the two half drunk men over to the dojo and opened the door. Nabiki was standing up with a triumphant and drunk look on her face, Akane was lying on the floor and looking sick, Josh looked tired and extremely bored. Kasumi looked tired and was cuddling up with josh. Everyone looked over at the open door and at Evan. Kasumi ignored it. She was used to him coming home drunk and pantless. Ranma was asleep, Akane was too sick to care, Nabiki too proud, and Josh too tired. Evan dumped Genma and Soun on the ground and then everyone, but Akane, took notice that their fathers were drunk and pantless. Evan was panting a little.   
  


"Josh! I found out why I keep losing my pants when I get drunk. There's this guy Pant Man and he steals drunk people's pants then he uses these special attaxck that incorporate pants. He's a villain and MUST BE STOPPED!!" Josh shrugged and then got up off the floor of the Dojo, Kasumi followed.   
  


"I'm going to bed." Josh said and walked past Evan and over the two drunk men. Kasumi nodded with a yawn and followed him. Evan scratched his head a little confused. Nabiki came over to Evan and kissed him full on the lips.   
  


"I BEAT HIM!!" She said triumphantly again and then skipped of into the house to pass out. Akane crawled over the bodies with a pale green looking skin hue.   
  


"Pep...to...bismol!" She said breathlessly. Ranma just slept on the floor of the dojo. Evan looked around really confused.   
  


"Compared to this I guess I had a good day." Evan mused then skipped into the house singing the Hamster dance song. Since Ranma and josh weren't sleeping in the guest room Evan went up there and decided to use it himself.   
  


**************   
  


The next week Evan was standing in an alley looking around. It was the same alley that he had battled with Pant man the last week, he was ready this time. He had constructed a costume out of stolen Kevlar, and it was similar to a mix between the X-Men movie costume and blade. All of a sudden a figure appeared at the other end of the alley.   
  


"We meet again." Said the diminutive figure who walked up halfway up the alley. Evan nodded   
  


"I have come prepared Pant man. You will not beat me." Evan said. In a voice that was similar to Sean Connery's.   
  


Pant Man growled and thrust his arms out. "Oh you think so eh? PANTALOON TYPHOON!" Evan jumped out of they way of the Pant attack and charged up a level four ionizer bolt. He thrust both hands out and zapped the attack causing a chain reaction and electrocuting Pant Man. Pant man stumbled and nearly fell to his knees. Evan began to stalk forward with a charged up ionizer bolt but Pant man all of a sudden shot up and pulled out a new pair of pants.   
  


"KHAKI CRUSHER!" Pant man screamed. He pulled out a pair of beige Khaki's and swung them at evan they where weighted down heavily and acted as a giant mace. Evan jumped out of the way and it smashed into the ground causing a tremor and a crater where it hit. Pan Man swung it around again but evan ducked and it passed over him smashing a wall to nothing but rubble. Evan jumped forward and punched Pant man about four times with Ionized fists.   
  


"ULTRA SUPER MIRACLE SATAN ELECTRIC MEGADEATH PUNCH!!" Pant man stumbled back and was severely burned in the chest area where Evan had hit him. "Hah!"   
  


Pant Man pulled out two new pairs of pants and wrapped them around each other. He put a clip on them and then the four pant legs began spinning around like a minigun, and began spraying bullets around the alley. "JEAN MACHINE GUUN!!!" Pant Man screamed.   
  


Evan screamed as well. "AAAAAAAAAH!!" He began running around the alley in fear of being shot to death. He managed to dodge most of them but a single bullet got lodged in his Right butt cheek. It was one of the only non kevlar covered parts of his body and it lodged in there pretty deep. "Evan began jumping around in pair while his Ass bled.   
  


*Uh Oh. I better finish this before I pass out from blood loss again.* Evan thought. Evan powered up a Ionizer bolt but didn't let it go at level three or four like usual. He just held it and charged it up. Pant man decided that it would be the perfect time for an attack. "BOXER SHORTS BOOMERANG!!!" Pant man began to throw boxer shorts at Evan the undergarments began spinning and got razor sharp at the edges. Evan dodged them on the way to him and on the way back and as Pant Man caught the spinning projectiles Evan proceeded onto level nine. "TIGHTY WHITEY TWISTER!!" Pant man threw a twist of Tight White underwear at Evan who dodged and pulled his arms back just as it reached level fifteen. Evan thrust his hands towards the Evil pant thief and lt loose a blast Pant Man screamed as he saw the energy blast come towards him. The explosion that ensued took the two nearest building with him. Evan collapsed on the ground as he passed out from blood loss again.   
  


"I...I did it. He'll never steal pants again."   
  


THUMP!   
  


***************   
  


Meanwhile at the Tendo Dojo. Josh sweated horribly, he was shaking sporadically and found it hard to stand on his own two feet. At the Moment Soun Tendo was helping him straighten out his Tuxedo, because he was about to get married to his eldest daughter Kasumi. "What have I gotten myself into?" Muttered Josh to himself. For the last week he and Kasumi had been sleeping in the same bed. Josh knew that she was pregnant, she was getting sick every morning and Josh had seen enough T.V. and read enough books to know that she was in the first stage of pregnancy.   
  


"Now you see why I don't want to be forced into marriage so fast." Ranma told Josh. Ranma was sitting on the other side of the room watching, he was also wearing a suit and almost looking as nervous as josh. Josh shrugged.   
  


"I'm not being forced. I want to do this. I'm just nervous." Josh paused for a second. "Why are you so nervous?" Ranma looked up at Josh as if he hadn't heard him.   
  


"What? Oh, well my mom is coming over for the wedding..."   
  


Josh nodded in understanding. "I see. Your still afraid she'll take that sepuku pledge this seriously right?" Ranma nodded. Josh smiled feeling his conversation with Ranma made him less nervous. "Trust me Ranma, no mom in her right mind would make her husband and son commit ritual suicide just because her sons not manly enough. I know her pretty well and I know that she wouldn't go through with it. Hell, she thinks your female side is too manly."   
  


Ranma smiled a little. "You think she wouldn't mind the curse?" He asked with hope.   
  


Josh nodded. "It's not your fault that you fell into a magic spring with no cure." Ranma nodded and then the impact of Joshes words sunk into his thick head.   
  


"NO CURE!?" Ranma yelled.   
  


Soun finished up with Joshes tie and then Josh walked over to the mirror in the room and checked himself out. "Why is it you wanted to have a Western style any way Pop?" Josh asked as he made sure that everything was in place. Soun smiled and got tears in his eyes.   
  


"He called me Pop! I'm so happy!" Josh shrugged and continued studying himself.   
  


"Will Happosai be coming to the ceremony?" Josh asked. Soun all of a sudden got serious and nodded.   
  


"Unfortunately so."   
  


Josh smiled widely. Now that he had gotten over the cold feet and the shock that he was getting married to a girl that only a year or so ago he had thought of was nothing but a cartoon character, he was actually happy. Kasumi was a great girl and he couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life making a family with her. He really didn't care about finding his way back to his original dimension. It just didn't seem to be important anymore. Soun, Ranma, and Josh all walked out of the room to meet up with Nabiki who was just outside. She looked much better than the previous week and was dressed in a nice blue dress with lots of flowery patterns on it. These were the official bridesmaid dresses and both she and Akane were to be wearing them.   
  


"My you look quite ravishing Nabiki, or should I call you sister in law." Josh said as he took her hand in his and kissed the back of it. Nabiki frowned   
  


"Flattery will get you nowhere Josh." she said with an upturned nose as she took her hand away from him. Josh just chuckled.   
  


"Heh, heh. I'm not trying to get anywhere. I'm getting married today." Nabiki frowned. She didn't fully trust Josh. She barely knew him and Kasumi had only gone on one date with him before he asked to marry her. She was still surprised that Kasumi said yes. Kasumi always said she liked older men like Tofu. Josh was almost two years younger. Though he looked a lot older.   
  


The four people walked out into the dojo, which was filled with family members and friends. A few of Kasumi's friends from high school where there and were already sobbing tears of happiness for their friend. Josh was surprised at some of the faces there. Even Ryoga had managed to make it there. He saw Kuno and his sister Kodachi sitting by the back and Nodoka, Genma, Happosai and a few other people from the Ranma cast were there as well. Josh smiled as Soun led him down the aisle towards the alter that was set up at the front of the dojo.   
  


Josh smiled at Ukyo and Shampoo as he walked by where they were sitting. They were the only other people he really knew there at all other than the usual cast. Josh made it to the alter and Soun stepped off to the side. The doors to the dojo opened up and Kasumi walked through in a wedding dress. She carried herself with a calm and collected stature, she looked like a fairytale princess right out of the books. Josh had never seen anyone look as beautiful as she did right now. His jaw nearly dropped at the sight. He never broke eye contact with her the entire time she walked up to the alter. Nabiki and Akane held up the train, walking with their sister in unison to the music.   
  


Kasumi stepped up to the alter and gazed into Joshes eyes lovingly. Right then he could tell that this was the moment she had been looking forward to her entire life.   
  


**************   
  


End chapter. {Well that's the end of the fifth chapter of Self Insertion. We've got a surprise for you next time. Ah I'm getting married to Kasumi. Who saw that one coming.(WE!) Other than Evan. What can I say I'm a real smooth talker. The ladies man. I kinda skipped ahead in the chapter at parts but hey you're alright with that right? Meh. The next chapter will be more comical and a little more dramatic. As well we'll meet up with some new characters and meet some new enemies. As well the conclusion of my wedding and Evan's fight with Pant Man. KICK ASS! Oh and Kasumi's pregnant with my kid. What really sucks is that it was my first time and I was too pasted with alcohol that I couldn't remember. What a rip off! Well I'll see you next time. Chow!}   
  


Morden Night: anime_morden@crystal-tokyo.com 

  
  


(Yep, I'm super Evan now. Ain't it great! Yeah, so I kicked Pant man's ass! Unless he can somehow survive a level fifteen or so electrical blast. Hehe, steal my pants will you. Yeah so I'm just chilling and zapping stuff, nothing much. Oh yeah and, um, PLOT TWIST! I'll let you find out what I mean next chapter, hehehe. It'll be cool. I promise. Well Bye!)   
  


Agasaki Ishano: agasaki@crystal-tokyo.com 

  
  


No www. Dammit! 


	6. The WeddingIS RUINED

Check out the NEW Hotbot Tell me when this page is updated 

  
  


Self Insertion   
  


This is a self insertion fic. It's pretty much me and my friend get into a Sliders type mix up. Cept we go to worlds like Animes and Cartoons and Movies and other stuff. Both of us are writing it as well so the Genre will fluctuate. Be warned, be afraid, be readin' my story please. And enjoy.   
  


Disclaimer: I don't own nothin! Cept me!   
  


* *: Thoughts   
  


Capital letters: Shouting or loud noises   
  


: Japanese   
  


_ _: Stressed words   
  


{ }: Josh's own thoughts   
  


( ): Evan's own thoughts and location   
  


Chapter 6   
  


The Wedding(IS RUINED)   
  


Evan shook off a serious headache. He realized he was in an alley and quickly checked for missing pants. Much to his surprise and joy he was still clothed from the waist down, but on the downside he was bleeding profusely from his ass. Everything became clear when he walked up to the still smoldering corpse and did a small victory jig.   
  


"I'm so happy!!! I can't stop DANCING!!!!" He excitedly yelled out as he danced in circles around the smoking body. Thumping his foot on the ground repeatedly.   
  


THUMPA THUMPA THUMPA   
  


A small beep went off in his pants. "WHAT!!!! WAS!!!!! THAT!!!!!" He then reached into his left pocket in his jeans and produced a small timer-like device. "Oh."   
  


Evan looked over the counter, *four hours till jump. Crazy! I get to go home!! Hey I got lots of time to spare. Might as well see what Josh is up to.* Evan heard sirens in the distance and realized that if he stayed than he'd get in trouble and Josh would beat him up.   
  


*Time to run, but first* Evan pointed his finger towards the arcade, *The Tendo's present!*   
  


Evan took off in the direction of his arcade in a hurry so not to get caught.   
  


**************   
  


"...To love and to hold, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?" Asked the priest to Kasumi. She nodded, never moving her gaze from Joshes.   
  


"I do."   
  


The priest nodded and turned to Josh. "And do you Joshua VanHalteren vow to take Kasumi Tendo's hand in holy matrimony? To care for her? To love and to hold her, In sickness and in health, till death do you part?" Josh nodded as he gazed into Kasumi's eyes.   
  


"I do."   
  


The priest nodded and held out his arms. "In the power invested upon me I now pronounce you Husband and Wife. You may now kiss the bride."   
  


Josh could hardly believe this was happening. Could hardly believe that he had just heard those words. He had half expected her to say no or something. But now one of his many dreams had been realized. He felt a little self conscious kissing her full on the lips in front of so many people but he had never felt so good in his life. He couldn't wait for the honeymoon. Then he would be able to at least remember it.   
  


The walked down the aisle hand in hand past all of the people sitting there watching. Some people threw confetti, a lot of people were crying, including Akane and Nabiki, Ukyo gave out a loud wolf whistle. And everyong was clapping. Kasumi took the bouquet of flowers and tossed it behind her. All of the ladies scrambled out of their seats and tried to catch it. Ukyo wasn't very partial to getting up and grabbing at a bunch of sappy flowers and just sat in her chair smiling. The bouquet got tossed around quite a bit and then eventually flew up in the air and landed in the Okinomiyaki chefs lap. Ukyo picked it up and looked a little confused. She then smiled and showed it to Ranma.   
  


Josh then stopped Kasumi and remembered another tradition. He put her one leg up on a chair and hiked up her dress just enough to expose the leg and the frilly band tied around her left leg Josh pulled it down and off her leg then threw it in the air towards where most of the guys were sitting Ranma wasn't paying attention and yawned he was half asleep, the wedding had bored him nearly to death. When he put his hand up to cover his mouth as he yawned he felt something wrap around his wrist. He looked confusedly at the thing, it was some kind of pink frilly circular thing.   
  


"What the?" Josh then looked over to Ranma and gave a big thumbs up. Ranma was still oblivious as to what was going on. Josh and Kasumi then walked out of the dojo, and into the house where a bunch of food and drinks had been prepared by most of the females. Mostly Nodoka. Who earlier was musing as to where Ranko was. Of course she was musing this right beside Ranma who was already nervous enough as it was just being around the woman.   
  


************   
  


Evan walked into his arcade office, *Better pack.* He thought as he gathered his now prized Physics and Magic textbooks, *Haven't used magic for awhile, I should probably brush up before heading home. Keith will be ecstatic when I blast somebody with Jusenkyo water. Who would I blast first? Hmm, Lee would be fun... Oh well worry about that later, I've only got about three hours and a bit left before jump time. I can't wait.* Evan smiled without the help of alcohol for one of the few times in this universe. He walked out of the office and locked up. *I could have been quite successful with this arcade, but ah what the hell. It just isn't home!*   
  


Evan started towards the Tendo dojo, almost hoping to meet Kuno to say farewell "Wait! I need my blades!!" Evan rushed back into his office and grabbed all four of his katana, "To the Tendo's!!" He called out as he rushed towards the Dojo.   
  


Awhile later Evan opened the door to the Dojo to find a huge party going on, *What is going on here?... I wasn't invited to a party... And how can they have a party with out EVAN!!!* He stepped inside to find the cast of Ranma and many other locals dressed up and dancing. *Must be some Japanese holiday thingy, Oh well I'll just blend in after I head to the washroom to patch my ass.* He thought as he noticed that the hole in his pants had stopped squirting blood some time ago. The blood that had spilled from the wound had matted it's self to the black kevlar and denim.   
  


*I know it's gross, so I just have to wash up a bit. No biggy. Maybe Tofu is here, he could stitch me up even.* He thought as he mingled until he was at the bar, *Need sustenance first, then I'll clean up.* He ordered a Sake and found, much to his liking, that it was cost free.   
  


*Much better, now to the bathroom...* His thoughts were interrupted as the familiar face of Kodachi entered his slightly impaired vison.   
  


"Hey dark and handsome, Want to go to the back room for some fun?" She offered, clearly drunk by the smell of her breath alone.   
  


"Um, sure in a minute." Evan responded thinking that if he did do anything with Kodachi, Josh would probably punch him for some reason that was beyond his now more so impaired mind.   
  


Evan tried to slip by the girl, when she grabbed firm hold of his ass and said, "Oh, poor baby. Got a boo boo, Hic, Let me TREAT that."   
  


The kevlar dressed youth was slightly turned on, but was scared at the over obsessive way she used the word treat. "Um, sure... Are you licenced?"   
  


Kodachi just laughed as she half led, half forced Evan into the back room, who all the while was laughing nervously.   
  


Evan and Kodachi entered the back room and soon screams of pain echoed from the room, which was followed by heavy moans of pleasure from a female source. Josh Ryoga and Ranma were sitting around with all of the other guys talking about...guy stuff, while Kasumi was talking and reminiscing with her old high school friends.   
  


Josh smiled as he took another chug of his fruit juice. "So Ranma you gonna get married soon? I mean you've only got four or twenty or so marriage prospects."   
  


Ranma frowned as he took another sip of sake. "It wasn't my fault! Pop's engaged me to all of them! I'm just along for the ride. I'm unna stay single forever!" Josh nodded.   
  


"What about you Ryoga? Got any special ladies in mind?" Ryoga nodded and took a big sip of sake.   
  


"Yeah sheees sogreat!" Names Akane Tendo, she doesn't even know I'ma PIG!" Ranma nodded and pointed to Ryoga.   
  


"Yeah, HEY! I know her. She's my fiancé."   
  


"Really!? COOL!"   
  


The camera then turns to Kuno who has an entire bottle of sake and is downing it every chance he gets. "Alas I, hic, Akane's gotb, she's got them hooters." The camera then turns ninety degrees to the right and faces Ryoga.   
  


"You don treat Ukyo wit de respect she serves!" Ryoga sais to Ranma who the camera then turns ninety degrees to.   
  


"Nuh uh man. I'm unna marry her an ery girl here some day." Camera then turns ninety degrees to Josh who is still just drinking fruit juice.   
  


"So now you like Ukyo Ryoga? What happened to Akane?"   
  


"Alas her boobs almost, hic, match, hic, those of the pigtailed girls."   
  


"Ranma you take tha back, er I'll beat you up."   
  


"Nuh uh poo-chan! Take this." Ranma then splashes Ryoga with Joshes fruit juice turning the boy into a pig. The pig then leaps onto Ranma's face, knocking him over and onto a bucket of cold water. Kuno falls forward and dumps his Sake all over Ryoga, turning him back into a human.   
  


Ranma and Ryoga started fighting and roll outside. Bitching and throwing weak, alcohol induced punches at each other. Josh watches the fight and then realizes that this was a golden opportunity. He runs upstairs and grabs a camera that Soun had bought just to record the wedding and starts recording Ranma and Ryoga drunk. *Blackmail for later.* he thought.   
  


Ryoga and Ranma started yelling at each other drunkenly Ranma threw a weak kick and fell flat on her ass. Ryoga went into a sort of power dive and elbowed her in the ribs. "Your a pig." Ranma said.   
  


"Your hot as a chick." Ryoga said, "but I don't like you."   
  


"You smell like booze."   
  


"You smell like a girl."   
  


"Your my best friend."   
  


"You're my best friend too."   
  


"I love you Ranma."   
  


"I love you Ryoga."   
  


Ranma and Ryoga began sobbing and hugging each other. Josh got a little disturbed but decided that the more disturbing things got the more effective the blackmail will be. Just then Kasumi came up to Joshes side and kissed him Josh smiled and kissed back, not turning off the recorder and not moving. "We're going to play some games in a few minutes do you want to join us?" Josh nodded.   
  


"Yeah sure I got a few good games we could play. I learned them while I was on the Im-prov team at school. Go on without me I'll catch up. He then turned towards the two drunks and chuckled. "Heh heh. This is too good to miss."   
  


"That looked really nice." Ryoga said. Indicating Josh and Kasumi's kiss.   
  


"Yeah." Ranma said. The two people looked towards each other. "Wanna try that?"   
  


"Okay." Ryoga said. They then began to kiss sloppily.   
  


Josh laughed maniacally. "He'll pay me millions to burn this!"   
  


"Burn what?" Came a familiar, although raspy voice.   
  


"Huh? Oh hey Evan. Get that Pants guy?"   
  


"Yeah, I whooped his ass, and um..." He muffled his voice a bit, "destroy some city property." He raised his voixce to normal, "But all that is in the past! SO what's the shindig for? Some Japanese holiday I never heard of?"   
  


Josh shrugged. "Something a little more personal. Hey, their going to be playing some games later. Wanna join? We could do some Improv stuff and everything will seem funnier since most of the people have gotten themselves drunk in one way or another." Evan thought for a mere moment before answering.   
  


"Sure."   
  


With that they walked back into the house after setting the camera up to capture everything that Ranma and Ryoga did while they were gone.   
  


Evan turned to Josh, "Hey where is Kasumi? I need to give her a present. Nothing important, I just wanted to thank her for watching out for me when I had came home drunk all those times."   
  


Josh pointed over to a crowd of girls. She's over with the girls organizing some games." Evan nodded his thanks and walked over there. He was still slightly impaired so he stumbled and groped at some of the women as he passed. When he finally reached Kasumi he did his best to straighten himself so not to fall over onto her.   
  


"Kasumi. I have a present for you, It's mostly for taking care of me when I was drunk those times." Evan blushed slightly when he remembered those now embarrassing moments. He handed her a set of keys. "These are the keys to an arcade I bought and renamed in your honor. And thanks." He began to walk away but was soon hugged from behind.   
  


"This is the nicest wedding gift anyone could have gotten for me!!" She cheerfully declared as she squeezed him tighter. Evan began to grow curious, *wedding? Josh said personal... Oh crap. He got attached. And we are leaving in twenty minutes! I better tell Josh! Now where did he go...* Evan scanned the area.   
  


"Who are you looking for?" Kasumi asked kindly. "Is it Josh? Did you want to tell him about the arcade?" She asked after receiving silence from Evan.   
  


"Sorry Kasumi, I just got caught up in the occasion, haven't been to a wedding in awhile, especially one of my best friend's. Actually, I haven't been to a single one of my, hehe, Best friend's weddings." Evan snickered at his bad joke.   
  


He got blank stares from Kasumi and her friends, *Guess Julia Roberts hasn't had a big break over here, thank goodness.* Evan thought as he waved goodbye to Kasumi and company and made his way over to Kuno who was still gulping sake.   
  


"Hey old nemesis! How are you holding up?" Evan said, trying to start a conversation.   
  


"I FaReWeLL, ThaNk YoU for Asking GOOd sir!!" The intoxicated kendoist replied stinking up the vicinity with alcohol fumes.   
  


"Right. Does thou knowest where sir VanHaltern is located?"   
  


"HE Is.... SomEWHere..." Kuno said as he slowly dropped to the table unconscious.   
  


Just then Evan heard a laugh. A hideous, vile, disgusting, and foreboding female laugh. Just then Kodachi burst out of the back room clad only in a leather bikini. She trailed a whip along with her and had a bump on her head. Evan whipped his head around to see the dominatrix looking directly at him with LUST filled eyes. Evan frantically looked for Josh, his fear taking hold of him just as Ranma's Neko-ken did him.   
  


He spotted Josh over with Kasumi and ran towards him. In a surge of adrenaline Evan grabbed Joshes wrist and yanked him away from the crowd. One of the drunk ladies said. "HEY! HE'S KIDNAPPING THE GROOM!" Evan ran out the doors of the dojo, and looked down at the timer. Somehow there was only a few seconds left. He pulled it up pointed it at empty air and pressed the activate button.   
  


Before Josh could respond he was thrown into the portal, then Evan jumped after him. The portal then closed up in front of all present who had chased after Evan. Kasumi stared blackly at where the portal had just been.   
  


Akane came up beside her married sister and frowned. "I KNEW he was scum! Se? He just ran away after getting married to you!" Kasumi growled.   
  


"SHUT UP AKANE! HE WAS KIDNAPPED!" With that Kasumi lifted up her dress and stormed into the house. "I'll be in my room." With that she left. The only sounds now ehre the wind and Ranma making out with Ryoga. Akane just now noticed this and the fact that Ryoga was squeezing Ranma's boobs. She pulled out her mallet and swung it at them. 

"PERVEEEEEERRRRTTTSS!!!!!" Ranma and Ryoga traveled through the stratosphere via mallet air.   
  


***************   
  


Kasumi sat in the now two person bed in her room with a frown on her face. She sat up against the wall with a pillow clutched to her chest. Tears streamed down her face and she let off an occasional sob. She heard a knock on the door and just told whoever it was to go away. Instead of leaving the person opened the door and walked in. It was Happosai.   
  


"I'm afraid I can't do that my dear." Happosai said as he hopped up on the bed and sat beside her. A little of a frown on his face. "I'm terribly sorry about what happened Kasumi. It really is a tragedy when these kinds of things happen to young people such as yourself."   
  


"Kasumi turned away from him and frowned. "What do you care you old pervert." Kasumi said to the diminutive old troll. Happosai smiled.   
  


Is that anyway to talk to your great great granduncle?" he asked the girl. Kasumi was shocked. She was related to Happosai? She all of a sudden felt so dirty. Happosai sighed.   
  


"Kasumi I never wanted this to happen. I never knew that that Evan boy would do anythin even remotely like this. But, I have a way that you can contact your husband." Kasumi looked hopeful.   
  


"Really? A way I can talk to him?" Happosai chuckled.   
  


"Heh, heh. You could do more than talk if you wanted. If you know what I mean?" He said as he lightly jabbed her in the side with his elbow to emphasize his point. Kasumi frowned at Happosai and he stopped. "Well anyway. I repaired the nanban mirror and I thought that it would be a good wedding present. Now I realize that I couldn't have picked a better one. " Kasumi had tears welling up in her eyes. And she hugged Happosai.   
  


"Thank you master Happosai." Happosai then pulled the fully repaired Nanban mirror from his gi and handed it to the girl. He then left with a wave.   
  


Kasumi smiled as she held the mirror to her chest as if it were the only thing in the world that mattered to her. She blinked, patted down her chest and then frowned. "Where's my bra?" she said in confusion though she alredy knew the answer.   
  


****************   
  


josh grimaced as he was unceremoniously was dumped from the portal in the sky onto the ground below. He landed with an audible thump and looked around him. No sooner had he gotten to his feet than he was knocked down by another body falling from the blueish hued portal. Josh groaned and got up his black tuxedo was ripped up in a few placed and dirty. He saw Evan getting up beside him and growled. He stood up grabbed Evan and shook him by the front of his shirt.   
  


"WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE!!" He yelled at the black haired boy in Kevlar. "I WAS MARRIED ONLY A FEW HOURS AGO AND THEN YOU KIDNAP ME AND LITERALLY THROW ME INTO SOME OTHER DIMENSION!?!!??! I AUGHT TO JUST KILL YOU!!" Josh then threw Evan to the ground and turned his back. "But I'm a good guy and that would set a bad example." Evan breathed out a sigh of relief. Josh then turned around. "That doesn't mean I can't beat the living hell out of you though."   
  


Evan screamed and tried to get an electrical charge built up to stop his friend but it was too late. Josh was too fast from his martial arts training and the beating ensued for quite a long time.   
  


Later on when Josh had calmed down he and Evan sat in a coffee shop together. Josh was drinking a fruit juice again, and Evan had some beer to take some of the pain away. "You didn't have to beat me so bad Josh."   
  


Josh frowned. "Evan you just kidnaped me, and now I'm stuck in another dimension. I'll probably never see my Wife and child again!" Evan looked surprised.   
  


"You have a kid?" he asked through sips of his beer. Josh nodded.   
  


"Yeah Kasumi's pregnant. Now I'm in New York from the looks of it." A man who had unintentionally been lstening in on their conversation bent over their table a little bit to get their attention. The man was in his twenties and had chiseled handsome features. He had Blonde, obviously died hair that was just a little longer than Joshes.   
  


"Hey, aren't you a little young to be married?" He asked. "My cousin got married pretty young but I'm just a little confused as to why you would want to make a commitment like that so soon. You're only, what 19?" He asked.   
  


Josh shook his head. "I'm only about seventeen." The Blonde haired guy would have spit out his drink if had been drinking.   
  


"SIXTEEN!" He said incredulously. "You're only sixteen and you've got a wife and a baby on the way? My cousin Pete's wife only got pregnant little more than seven months ago. And they're about 25 or so."   
  


Josh shrugged. "What can I say it was love at first sight." Evan rolled his eyes at that comment. Josh was a hopeless romantic. "That is until this idiot," He said pointing at Evan, "Kidnaped me." The Blonde haired waiter guy looked at Evan and then back to Josh.   
  


"HE kidnaped you and now you're having a drink with him?" Josh just shook his head and smiled.   
  


"It's kind of a long story. A hard to believe one at that." Josh chuckled. "About as hard to believe as believing that Spider-man is anything more than a comic book character. Heh, heh." The blonde waiter guy looked a little nervous at that last comment but Josh didn't notice and continued. "Say, do you know of anyplace we can crash tonight? I don't know how long we're going to stay in New York and we got next to no money what-so-ever."   
  


Evan piped up just then. "Actually I just spent the last of our Canadian currency on these drinks. And we have six months before we leave."   
  


"WHAT!?!" Josh yelled at the black haired boy. He sighed and slumped back in his chair, putting a hand over his head and sighing. "My life is DOG doo."   
  


The waiter smiled and put his hand on Joshes shoulder. "Y'know I'd kind of like to hear this story of yours, maybe after I finish work you could tell me. It's only about an hour or so till I finish up and if you really need a place to stay then you could crash at my place." Josh smiled.   
  


"Thanks. But I hardly even know your name." The waiter quickly composed himself and held out a hand to the younger boy.   
  


"I'm Ben Riley." They shook and Josh just stared at Ben in awe. "I gotta go get back to work you guys can hang out here till I'm done. See yah later." with that Ben left to go take care of some more customers.   
  


Josh looked over at Evan and frowned. "Well Evan, you've done it again, we're still not in our universe. We're in the Marvel universe for some odd reason." Evan shrugged.   
  


"I don't get it either. I mean I made the thing and it should have just taken us back home." Josh glared evilly at Evan. "Someday I will kill you. You know that right?" Evan nodded and inched back just a little bit.   
  


Later after Ben finished work he walked back over to the two teens and smiled. "Okaay. I'm finished work you guy want to go check out my place? Josh and Evan nodded   
  


"Sure." Josh said as he got up. "Hey, Ben. I was thinking since you're being so nice to us, letting us stay at your place and all. I was thinking maybe we could make dinner tonight. It's the least we can do."   
  


Ben nodded "Sure! I hope you guys don't mind it's actually a little bit far of a walk."   
  


Josh chuckled. "Why walk when you can jump across the rooftops?" Evan laughed. It was really ironic. Ben got another nervous look on his face and thought that Josh was hinting that he knew he was Spider Man. The three walked out of the small cafe and into the street. "It's quite a stroke of luck meeting you Ben. Thanks for taking us in."   
  


***************   
  


Josh sat back on the couch in the small apartment and smiled. It was great having a place to stay, and they had quite a good sized meal to them selves. Josh looked towards the window and smirked to himself. He may not be able to see his wife right at the moment but he might as well enjoy himself at the moment. It would be really fun to just go out roof hopping. Josh stood up and stretched. He needed to get some exercise. As soon as he stood up though he got quite a surprise.   
  


The room lit up with pink and blue energy. Josh stumbled back a little as he saw this. It looked familiar. Kind of like the Nanban mirror back home. He would have chuckled just then at realizing that he now considered the Ranma 1/2 universe his home but he had more pressing matters like what was going on?   
  


Ben after hearing a noise from the living room turned around from the dishes and noticed that some sort of glow was come from there. His spider sense hadn't gone off but he was concerned as to what was going on. He dropped the dish towel he was using to dry things off and rushed to the living room.   
  


Just as Ben arrived to see what was going on the Pink and Blue Magical energy faded away and in it's place stood a young, beautiful Japanese teenage girl. Her long brown hair was tied back in a ponytail that was draped over her right shoulder. "What the?" Ben said as he gazed at the girl who just appeared out of nowhere.   
  


"Kasumi?" Josh said as he rushed forward and hugged the girl. They pulled their heads back for a moment and then kissed. Ben just now realized that the girl was in a wedding dress. Josh looked her in the eyes with all the love he had and asked. "How did you find me?" Kasumi smiled warmly.   
  


"Happosai gave me the Nanban mirror as a wedding gift after you had left." Josh looked a little confused.   
  


"I thought the mirror was destroyed." Kasumi shook her head.   
  


"Not entirely. Happosai was able to put enough of it back together that I could use it. The only problem is, is that the magic is week and I can only stay up to ten minutes or so." Josh frowned.   
  


"I'm sorry I left Kasumi. I didn't want to. Evan was rushing and he was trying to get away from Kodachi, he just took me with him." Josh clasped her hands in his own and looked at her through the tears that were welling up in his eyes. "I swear that if it's the last thing I do I will find a way back to you." Josh then put a hand on Kasumi's stomach and smiled again. "And our child."   
  


Ben walked up to the pair and waved at them. "Ah hello? I'd hate to break up your little chat but, where did she come from? Who is this girl and why is she here?" Josh lightly smacked himself in the head and motioned towards Ben.   
  


"Uhm Kasumi this is Ben Reilly, Ben this is Kasumi Tendo my wife. Evan and I are staying with Ben until we can get out of this universe." Kasumi smiled at Ben.   
  


"Oh my. That certainly is nice of you."   
  


Ben looked really confused. "Excuse me, Josh? What did you just say there? I don't know Japanese. What's all this about, how did she just appear out of thin air?" Josh looked a little embarrassed. When Kasumi had appeared he had switched over to Japanese. He quickly composed himself and switched over to English.   
  


"Sorry Ben. This is my Wife Kasumi. She traveled through time and space from her dimension to yours so she could talk to me about my departure." Ben looked flabbergasted   
  


"You're from another universe?" He asked incredulously. Josh shrugged.   
  


"Hey I can also turn into a girl, just add water." Ben sat down and felt his forehead to make sure that he didn't have some sort of fever. He seemed to be fine though. "I guess now would be a good time to tell me this story of yours." Josh nodded.   
  


Eight minutes later Ben sat looking at a female josh in wonder, amazement and confusion. "You married this girl, er guy, despite the fact that he can turn into a girl?" Josh translated to Kasumi and she nodded. She smiled and then said something in Japanese. Josh then translated for Ben.   
  


"She said that it doesn't matter what's on the outside. She also said that it could be fun sometimes. I don't know what she means there though." Ben sighed and lay back on his couch. Josh grabbed a cup full of hot water up from beside the couch and dumped it on his head, changing herself into a male.   
  


"Is there anything else I should know about you people?" He asked, half in dread of the answer he would get. Josh nodded.   
  


"Just one last thing. Evan's an Electro wannabe." Ben looked towards Evan who just smiled and then charged up some electricity in his hands and then let it dissipate. Kasumi looked up at the clock and noticed that there was only a few seconds left before the magic of the mirror wore out. She turned to Josh and kissed him full on the lips. Josh returned the kiss with great pleasure and then they broke it, said their momentary goodbyes and she disappeared.   
  


Josh smiled over at Ben and then walked over to the window, he opened it up and started to climb out. Ben stood up off of the couch and rushed to the window. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" He asked shocked that Josh was about to just jump out the window. Josh looked back and smiled.   
  


"Relax ben it's just five stories up. I just wanted to jump across the roofs for a bit to clear my head." With that Josh bent down and jumped towards the next buildings rooftop using a chi enhanced jump. Ben rushed to the window to make sure that he hadn't fallen to his death and looked up to the building just beside his apartment Josh waved at him from the rooftop and then ran and jumped across to the next rooftop.   
  


Ben smiled before turning back to his apartment. Josh reminded him of Pete and himself when they had first gotten their powers. Josh looked towards the big intersection he was at. It was one hell of a long jump to the next building. It was at least thirty or forty meters. It was a big intersection. Josh walked back to the other end of the building he was on and then built up his chi. He ran across the building and at the very edge he jumped, flying high into the sky over all the traffic towards the next building which was a small bungalow that was a convenience store. In mid flight Josh spotted two males in black masks exiting the building.   
  


Josh landed on the roof and then jumped down to the ground below he startled a couple of pedestrians but he ignored them and ran after the crooks that had robbed the store. He did a chi powered jump to soar through the air over the pedestrians blocking his way and did a double drop kick into the backs of the criminals they dropped the money they were carrying and tumbled forward in two heaps. Josh stepped forward and took the masks off the thugs. He didn't recognize either of them and he shook them a little to get their attention. "Hey didn't you guys ever learn that you shouldn't take things that aren't yours?" Josh asked with a little bit of anger. "If there's one thing I don't like it's punk ass greedy people who steal." Josh then knocked their heads together and one of them fell unconscious. The other one got up however and pulled out a gun from his coat.   
  


He pointed the gun at Josh and growled. "Stupid kid." Josh grabbed the gun with one hand spun around and back handed the thug who let go of the offending weapon. Which then dropped to the ground.   
  


"I hate gun's even more." Josh noted before he focused a bunch of chi into his fist and picked up the gun, crushing it in his hand. He then let the pieces fall to the ground. The man, afraid for his life tried to run but josh did a flip over him and kicked him in the face. The thug then fell to the ground unconscious. Josh struck a little bit of a victory pose and then blinked as a flash went off and people began to clap around him. He noticed that there was a bunch of reporters around. Josh jumped up to one of the nearby roof tops and began to leap across town to Reilly's apartment.   
  


*Oops I think I may have caused more problems than I have solutions by doing that.*   
  


*************   
  


Josh entered Ben Reilly's apartment through the window again the same way he had left it. He walked over to the couch in the room and lay down to get a nap, tomorrow would more than likely be a big day. He had noticed that Ben had a calendar on his fridge and tomorrow he was supposed to have Mary Jane and Peter over for supper. It was some sort of occasion that wasn't listed. Josh figured that tomorrow was when the Shit would hit the fan. Josh pulled up a blanket that was rolled up on the other side and went to sleep.   
  


Evan was in the bathroom taking a bath. Ben had told him earlier that he needed one and that he wouldn't house him if he didn't at least clean himself. Evan thought this a good idea since he'd only taken about two or three baths the entire time he was in the Ranma world. Of course, Evan spent most of his time playing with anything in the bathroom that caught his eye. Right now he was playing with a Shampoo and Conditioner bottle.   
  


"Shampoo is better." He mouthed while shaking said bottle. "I go on first and I clean the hair." He then looked over to the Conditioner bottle and started shaking it. "No! Conditioner is better! I go on last and leave the hair silky and smooth." "Oh really fool?" "Yes really!" Evan then made the two bottles fight until he dropped them into the water. Evan then left the tub got dressed and left the bathroom. He met up with Ben just outside. Who then rushed into the bathroom holding his groin.   
  


Evan looked up at a clock that was over the kitchen nearby and shrugged. *Guess I took a little longer in there than I had originally planned.* Evan went to a nearby closet took a couple of Blankets, lay them out on the floor and went to sleep.   
  


*******************   
  


Josh woke up the next day with a start. The sun shone on his face through the nearby window and only his legs where on the couch. Somehow, during the night, the rest of him had slipped off. Josh wearily got up and moved to the bathroom. He saw Ben in there as well, who was brushing his teeth. "Got an extra brush or something?" Josh asked the older man. Ben pointed to a cabinet and Josh opened it up finding an unused blue tooth brush in there. "Thanks." Josh said as he put some tooth paste on the brush and began to brush his teeth.   
  


Josh then proceeded to wash his face and wet his hair down a little so that he could brush it a little easier. After which he left the bathroom and followed Ben into the kitchen to get some breakfast. "So Ben about your cousin Peter you mentioned earlier. What does he do for a living?" Ben wiped his mouth on his sleeve to get rid of the milk mustache he had.   
  


"He takes pictures for the Daily Bugle. He specializes in taking pictures of stuff like spider man." Josh shrugged and filled up a bowl with cereal.   
  


"What's so hard about that?" Josh asked. "Spider Man's always getting into fights in the big apple. Just grab a camera hop onto a nearby rooftop and snap a few right?"   
  


Ben shrugged and took a bite of the fruit loops that he had in front of him. "Not everyone can just 'hop' onto a nearby roof top like you were doing last night. You should have put on a mask or something to cover up your identity when you do stuff like that. Around here rumors can spread easily and fast if your not careful."   
  


Josh nodded as he started eating his own bowl of cereal. "Yeah I kind of realized that after I took out a couple of armed robbers th other night. A bunch of reporter people and tourists all started taking my picture when I did that."   
  


Ben nearly spit out all of his cereal. *Great this kids gonna get himself killed. Everyone's gonna think he's Spider Man now. Then he'll be in danger and some of my foes will probably hunt him down or something. I hope pete can get the Bugle to not put something like that on front page.*   
  


*****************   
  


Down at the daily Bugle a man with a flat top of short gray hair that was turning white at the sides frowned as he looked over a story in his office and a few pictures. He looked at the name of the person who had supplied the pictures.   
  


"PARKER!" He yelled at the top of his lungs. "GET IN HERE!" Moments later a man of about twenty or so years old with medium length brown hair.   
  


"You bellowed?" He asked as he poked his head into the office.   
  


"Get in here! I want you to see this!" Peter walked forward and J Jonah Jameson threw the pictures and the report on the desk. He then sat back in his chair and began puffing on a cigar. "You know what that is right there?" Jonah asked pointing at the pictures on the desk.   
  


Peter looked a little confused as he picked up the pictures and flipped through them. "Pictures of some teenage boy?" He asked. Jameson frowned and pointed to the report that went with the pictures.   
  


"Read the report Parker! This is front page news! The news of the century!" Peter picked up the report and glanced through it.   
  


Peter looked confused. "You don't actually believe this do you J, J? This is just some kid! How can he be Spider Man?" Jameson furrowed his eyebrows and glared at Peter.   
  


"Why not? Nobody knows this kid. He doesn't show up in any police files. There's no name just a face. This is the stuff that makes journalism so great! The evidence is there to. The kid has super strength, he crushed a gun in his bare hand! He has agility, he moved fasted than most of the spectators eyes could follow, AND, he's can jump across buildings like they were sidewalk curbs! I want you on this Parker. Find this kid and find out everything you can about him! Now GET OUT!"   
  


Peter followed his boss's orders and exited the large office. He walked down the hall thinking of this the entire time. Peter knew for a fact that HE was the real Spider Man, though he couldn't be as much any more. Lately his spider powers had been cutting out on him. Because of this he had to pass the Spider mantel on to his Cousin Ben Reilly, who in fact was the real Peter Parker. He was just a clone of him. At first this was kind of depressing but he had eventually accepted it and moved on with his wife Mary Jane.   
  


This kid was obviously a fraud and peter was now determined to expose him. Though he did wonder if maybe this kid was some sort of new Spider man. Maybe he was another Clone. Peter shook his head and wrote that one off. That was highly unlikely. If there were another Spider Clone running around he or Ben would have known about it by now. Peter looked at his watch. The day was nearly over there was only two hours left until he got off work. Then he and Mary Jane could go to Ben's for a nice relaxing dinner.   
  


******************   
  


Peter and Mary Jane Parker walked up to the door to Ben Reilly's apartment and knocked. "Do you think he's heard about that other spider person?" Peter asked Mary. Mary shrugged.   
  


"I doubt it. I never even heard of it until you brought it up. Why are you letting this bother you Tiger?" Peter was cut off from answering his wife when the door opened and Ben stood at the door with a smile on his face that Mary Jane found all too familiar. It was nearly the exact same as her husbands, only framed by golden blonde hair instead of Peter's light brown locks. Of course she had at first been a little surprised when he had revealed to her that he was a clone and that Ben was the real thing. But now that he was posing as Peter's cousin it made him much less strange.   
  


"Hi, guys. Come on in. I'm just finishing up supper it'll be ready soon." Just then there was a loud crash coming from the kitchen area. And a few voices floated out to greet Peter and Mary's ears.   
  


"Is there someone else joining us?" Mary asked. Ben nodded.   
  


"Uh yeah, they're a little strange but they're not bad. They'll be here with me for the next six months till they can leave." Just then Josh and Evan came out of the kitchen carrying pots and pans filled with food. They were arguing about some cold water that Evan had inadvertently spilt on Josh who was at the moment a shorter teenage girl.   
  


"Watch what you're doing yah idiot now I got to change back." Josh yelled at Evan. They put the food on the table and then sat down glaring at each other.   
  


"It must have been a little better than the boiling water you spilt all over me!" Evan shot back. Josh looked over to where Ben was standing and just noticed that Peter Parker and Mary Jane were standing there.   
  


"Uhm Hello." Josh said dumbly. Not knowing what else there was to say. She was in the same room as two spider men and a hot red head. Who was pregnant. Josh got out of her chair and walked up to the couple. She held out her hand in greeting to Peter and he shook it. "Peter Parker I presume?" Josh said while she shook the mans hand. She then looked toward Mary and extended a hand her way. "And Mary Jan. Correct?" Mary and Peter nodded.   
  


Josh motioned to two chairs sitting side by side at the table they had set up and then moved towards the bathroom. Mary and Peter took their places at the table and Ben joined them right across from them. Evan kept to himself and sat back in his chair waiting for Josh to get back so they could start the grub.   
  


Josh entered the bathroom a moment later, dry and male. "It's good to be me." Josh sighed as he walked towards the table and sat beside Ben. Peter looked at Josh in surprise.   
  


*That's the guy that Jonah wanted me to find out about. What's he doing over here at Ben's place?*Peter decided to delve into that subject later on into the dinner. He then looked around the apartment. "Where'd that girl go?" Peter asked. Josh just shrugged.   
  


"She can take care of herself, she was only over here to help with dinner. She probably left." Josh then folded his hands and looked up at the others. "Shall we say grace?" Everyone composed them selves and folded their hands. Ben said grace and then they all started to dig in to the food that Ben, Josh, and Evan had prepared. Peter looked up at Ben.   
  


"So Ben, who are these guys? When did they show up?" Ben wiped his mouth on a napkin and looked over at Josh who did a little bit of a bow signifying that Ben could tell him.   
  


Ben cleared his throat and then began. "Well, They were at the cafe and I was walking by when I overheard Josh here." He said motioning to Josh. "Say that he was married and had a kid on the way, an he's only sixteen or so."   
  


Mary started at this and nearly choked on her food. "SIXTEEN!?" She said unbelievably as she looked over to Josh who shrugged.   
  


"I'm actually seventeen."   
  


Ben continued. "Apparently this Electro wannabe over here." Motioning with his thumb at Evan. "Had kidnapped Josh right after his wedding in Japan and took him over to New York and they got next to no money." Ben deliberately skipped the other dimension part. " I offered them to stay at my place until they could find a way home."   
  


Mary Jane looked flabbergasted. "You kidnapped him after his WEDDING?!" She yelled at Evan." Evan just charged up a little spark of electricity in his hand and smiled.   
  


"I've got powers."   
  


Ben continued, now sweating a little. Peter secretly had a notepad on his lap and was secretly writing all of this down. "Go on." He said. This was actually starting to interest Peter.   
  


Josh chose that moment to interrupt. "Yeah and that girl you saw earlier was actually me. I fell into a cursed spring when I went to China on the way to Japan originally. Now whenever I get splashed with cold water I turn into a female version of myself. Hot water turns me back." Mary Jane would have fainted if she hadn't been through so much weird stuff being Spider Man's wife.   
  


Ben nodded. "He's telling the truth." Peter nodded and put the notepad in his jeans pocket.   
  


"So Josh. I heard some thing about you stopping a couple criminals earlier today. What's going on there? There's rumours going around that you're Spider Man. They said you crushed a gun with your bare hand and jumped from ground level to the top of a five story building."   
  


Josh chuckled. "This 'They' That your talking about wouldn't happen to be J, Jonah Jameson now would it?"Josh asked with a knowing smile.   
  


"How do you know Jameson?" Asked Ben. "I thought you said you were from another dimension?" Ben looked towards Peter and Mary Jane and covered his mouth.   
  


"Oops."   
  


*******************   
  


authors notes: {Well ain't that a BITCH! I get married to Kasumi and then only hours later, before I can even have a honeymoon, I get literally thrown into a new dimension. The Marvel Universe no less. What else could possibly go wrong? Well there's a rumour that I'm Spider Man and I'm living with Ben Reilly and Evan. That's bad enough, no? Evan wasn't around to write this chapter and I finished it in one night. I just do this fic for fun now to see how much trouble I can get me and Evan into. This is all completely improvised so there's only few ideas that we're sticking to. I plan on doing one big ass plot twist but it won't come for a long while. In the mean time I'll just sit back and watch the super heroes fly. Maybe I'll meet up with the Fantastic Four. That'd be cool. Well I'm not going to give anything away, I just hope you enjoyed our universe hopping antics. Thanks for your support. Bai bai.}   
  
  
  


Morden Night: anime_morden@crystal-tokyo.com 

  
  


(Yeah, um I wasn't here for most of the chapter, so I'm just as surprised as you that Josh is doing some Spider person stuff and JJ believes that he is Spidy for that matter! Yeah so that's all from me. TA!)   
  


Agasaki Ishano :agasaki@crystal-tokyo.com 

  
  



	7. The pathetic Origin of Spider Girl

Check out the NEW Hotbot Tell me when this page is updated 

  
  


Self Insertion   
  


This is a self insertion fic. It's pretty much me and my friend get into a Sliders type mix up. Cept we go to worlds like Animes and Cartoons and Movies and other stuff. Both of us are writing it as well so the Genre will fluctuate. Be warned, be afraid, be readin' my story please. And enjoy.   
  


Disclaimer: I don't own nothin! Cept me!   
  


* *: Thoughts   
  


Capital letters: Shouting or loud noises   
  


: Japanese   
  


_ _: Stressed words   
  


{ }: Josh's own thoughts   
  


( ): Evan's own thoughts and location   
  


Chapter 7   
  


The (pathetic) Origin of Spider Girl   
  


"Another dimension?" Peter asked as he looked at Josh with disbelief. He then looked back at ben. "Ben what is going on here? This is getting confusing.   
  


Josh sighed and put the fork that he was holding down on his plate. "Okay Peter. I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you. I know who you are and I know who Ben is. I know a lot about you. You're both Peter Parker, but one of you is a clone." Mary Jane gasped.   
  


*How could he possibly know that?* She thought. They had just met this guy and he had revealed that he knew their secrets over dinner.   
  


Peter and Ben just hung their jaws in shock. Trying to think of some way they could defuse the situation. "The Jackal lied to you peter." Josh said.   
  


"What do you mean?" Peter asked.   
  


"You're not the clone Peter. You are and always have been the real Peter Parker." Peter looked confused. How could he be the real Peter Parker? The jackal had specifically said that he was the clone. "In my world, Spider Man is nothing more than a comic book character. His identity is known throughout the world. His adventures nothing but a fictional work of art."   
  


"That still doesn't tell us how you know that I'm the clone." Ben said.   
  


"Let me finish. Later on when Mary Jane goes into forced labor because of a drug that get's slipped into her soup at a restaurant The lady who did it also steals the baby. Peter and you however were told that the baby died by the doctor who was working under the same person."   
  


"What?! Who in their right mind would kidnap a baby at birth!?" Peter growled at Josh. Josh held up his hands.   
  


"A man that was once your greatest foe. That's who. While the baby napping is going on. Peter and Ben are fighting Mendel Stromm who you may remember as Gaunt. You both beat him but Peter then has to go to the hospital where he's drugged. Ben gets similar treatment from Norman Osborn who showed up at the abandoned warehouse where you fought Stromm."   
  


"Waitaminute." Pete said cutting Josh off. "Norman Osborn!? He is dead! There's no way that he could still be alive."   
  


Josh frowned. "Well he is and when he's beaten Ben nearly to death he comes after you after rigging the Bugle building with pumpkin bombs.. Then he tries to impale you with his goblin glider like he had so many years ago but Ben jumps in the way, falls off the building you're fighting on, onto a car and dies. I know this is hard to believe Peter but I like Ben and I am not a violent person." Evan rolls his eyes at that comment. "I don't want anyone to die. I especially don't want Norman's anger taken out on little Mayday."   
  


"That's ridiculous!" Peter snapped. Mary Jane held her hand out in front of Peter to stop him from protesting Joshes logic again.   
  


"Stop."   
  


"Wh, Mary Jane! I..."   
  


"He's telling the truth. Mayday is what was going to call our baby. There's no way he could have known that unless he's telling the truth."   
  


"But."   
  


"Not even you knew what I was going to call out baby Peter."   
  


Josh nodded. "Thank you Mary Jane. I'm only telling you all this because. Well after spending most of my life growing up with you guys as characters in comic book I think you all deserve a break." Evan yawned and then got up and left. No one noticed. Josh didn't add the fact that if Ben died then he and Evan wouldn't have a place to crash for the next six months.   
  


Just then some blueish Pink energy surrounded the table. Josh smiled. He hadn't expected this to happen so soon. Just then the energy faded and in it's place stood a beautiful teenage Japanese girl. Holding a picnic basket. However she arrived standing on the table. She looked around, noticed where she was and stepped down off of the table after blushing.   
  


"Oh my! Did I come at a bad time?" Josh looked Kasumi up and down and smiled. He liked what he saw. His wife was wearing tight, very short jean shorts and a yellow tank top. It was much more revealing than what she usually wore. Josh stood up put an arm around her waist and then kissed her.   
  


"I missed you." Josh said brushing a few strands of hair out of her face with his hand. He then turned around to the other three at the table and smiled. "This is my wife Kasumi. She's only got ten minutes before she has to head back to her dimension so I would ask that everyone drop the previous subject."   
  


"That's your wife?" Peter asked pointing at the very trim brown haired girl. She wasn't that much shorter than josh which was odd for a Japanese girl.   
  


Josh looked at the basket his wife held in her and tried to snatch it but Kasumi pulled it back. "What's in the basket?" Josh asked. Kasumi held at away from him playfully.   
  


"It's just a little dinner I packed for us. I thought you might be hungry."   
  


"Well give it here. I haven't had your cooking for at least two days now." Kasumi looked around and kept the basket behind her back.   
  


"Aren't you going to introduce me?" Josh shrugged and pointed to Peter.   
  


"That's Peter Parker and the Red head sitting next to him is Mary Jane his wife. They're also having a baby, only it's a little more obvious." Kasumi smiled at Mary Jane.   
  


Josh motioned for Kasumi to sit down where Evan was previously. Kasumi smiled and sat down. She put the basket on a clear spot on the table and pulled out a few dishes. Josh smiled. Rice pudding(which he taught her how to make earlier) and Curry chicken and rice. "All RIGHT!" Josh said as he laid eyes on the food.   
  


He leaned over to Kasumi and planted a kiss on her lips. "You're the best Kasumi." Josh stated before turning back and unloading some of the food on his plate.   
  


Kasumi just smiled and took the dishes when Josh was done with them, she unloaded some food onto her plate as well after moving Evan's out of the way. She then passed it over to Mary Jane who simply smiled weakly and then took some for herself.   
  


Peter looked to Ben and then signed to him silently with his head that he wanted to talk to him. Ben nodded and they both simultaneously excused themselves from the table. Josh and the girls didn't seem to notice. When Peter and Ben felt they were out of ears reach they began to talk.   
  


"I don't trust this guy." Peter said looking back at Josh for a second. "I think he's up to something. Nobody is that honest and trustworthy. Mr. Jameson said he wanted me to find out as much as I could about this guy but I don't know if that'll be too much info or not. Sides how can one kid know so much about the near future?"   
  


Ben looked over to Josh to make sure that he wasn't listening in but he was having a conversation with M.J. and his so called wife. "I kind of agree with you but this kid said that the Swarm was going to attack manhattan, that already happened though. If he was from around here he would have known that it already HAD happened. I trust him. Besides, how many of the villains that we thought were dead had mysteriously come back? I don't really doubt that Norman may have survived somehow."   
  


Peter looked thoughtful as he contemplated their situation. He knew their baby's name before it was given, he knew that Ben was a clone, claiming that Peter was the real thing, he knew that Norman was coming back, and he claimed that he knew a lot more. "I'll trust him. But only if anything that he said would happen happens. The first clue to that would be Mary Jane going into labor. I'm going to stay with Mary Jane today all day, you can hang around that josh kid for a bit to make sure he doesn't try anything funny."   
  


Ben nodded. "Sounds like a plan."   
  


The two men then headed back to the table to join the others. Josh and Kasumi stood up together and walked out of the dinning area. "Where are they going?" Peter asked his wife. She shrugged.   
  


"They said they wanted to spend a little time alone. It's kind of sad what that boy went through." She said as she absent mindedly picked at the rice pudding in front of her. "She can only visit her husband for ten minutes once a day. It just seems so sad because they seem like such a good couple and they're newly weds too."   
  


Peter sat down and put an arm around his wife. "You know that day you were going to spend with Aunt Anna? I thought that it might be a good idea if I tagged along."   
  


"Oh?" Mary said. She then frowned and glared at him. "SO what is it you've got up your sleeve mister Parker?!" Peter reeled back a little.   
  


"I don't have anything up my sleeve! I just want to spend some time with my wife and mother in law!" He said in his defense.   
  


****************   
  


Josh led Kasumi over to Ben's bed room. "What are we doing in here Josh? I've only got a few minutes before going back." josh bent down and looked under the bed for a moment he came up with a box and put it on the bed. He opened it and found Ben's old Scarlet Spider costume. It was torn up a bit but josh was alright with that. He planned to add some stuff to it anyway.   
  


Josh pulled the mask out of the box and showed Kasumi. "Kas? I want to take up being a super hero while I'm in this universe. I wanted to ask you first though." Kasumi looked confused.   
  


"Why do you want to do that?" She asked.   
  


Josh shrugged. "I want to risk my life to save others. Sides it's always been a childhood dream of mine to be like Spider Man. Now is my chance. Can I do it honey? Please, please, PUH LEEEEEEZZZ!?" Kasumi looked skeptical. She didn't want him to become a super hero. Risking his life when he was going to be a father in mere months.   
  


Josh, seeing that Kasumi was going to say no decided to go to plan B. He stood up and planted a huge french kiss on her lips. "I'll never risk my life against all odds, I promise." Kasumi's defense shattered and she nodded her head. Josh shouted a cry of joy.   
  


"YEEEEESSS! Yesyesyesyesyes! All RIIIIGHT!!"   
  


Just then Ben came rushing into the room. He saw Josh with the old tattered Scarlet Spider costume and looked shocked. "Where did you get that!?" He asked. Josh pointed to the bed.   
  


"Under the bed. You ain't usin it no more I might as well get into the super hero business." Ben sputtered for a second.   
  


"W...w-w-WHAT!?" You don't even have super POWERS! You just turn into a GIRL!" Josh shrugged.   
  


"That's a good idea! I'll only go out in my girl half, that way I'll be Spider Girl! Thanks Ben." Josh, then realizing that Kasumi was about to leave in mere seconds kissed her one last time and then she disappeared.   
  


****************   
  


Evan wandered the streets of New York, *Nothing to do! New York is dull today. No Mysterio's or Rhino's running around causing general havoc for some random super hero to beat up. Seeing how I am in the business it would be fun.*   
  


He glanced around and realized he was utterly lost. "Well this sucks." Evan muttered as he continued to wander aimlessly till he recognized a large building. "Well I'll be damned." He mused as he gazed up at the gigantic four on the top. "I wish Josh could see this..." He paused for a second before entering the building.   
  


Evan walked into a well furnished lobby which was quite expansive for a lobby. He approached the clerk, "Excuse me miss. Could you direct me to Mr. Fantastic, I, um... Have a secret appointment or something..." He said as he hoped the clerk would buy his lame excuse.   
  


The lady with the Brown hair on the other side of the desk looked at a little clip board and then with a robotic sounding kind of voice said. "They're not here. They have been gone for some time and will probably not come back."   
  


"They WILL TOO!!!" He screamed girlishly at the robot like lady. He charged a level two blast and patted her on the shoulder, knocking her unconscious. Evan shrugged, looked around to the empty lobby and declared "Wasn't me." then walked into the building's elevator.   
  


"Evan to Isle six! Evan to Isle six. Please come play with the fantastic toys in Reed's lab." Evan announced to himself.   
  


"Rodger, Evan! I'm moving in as we speak!!" He rolled on the floor and got into a military pose on the floor of the elevator. The door open just then with a ding. Much to Evan's surprise there was a hoard of people waiting to use the elevator. He gazed stupidly at the people and offered another dumb excuse.   
  


"Um, I'm Reed's retarded cousin from Japan. Why I'm not speaking Japanese I don't know." This got many blank stares. Evan decided that running away would be the best thing to do. He pushed through all the people who voiced their complaints and ran down a hall. He turned round a corner and promptly ran into something hard. He fell on his butt and looked up to see who or what was there. It was a man. Evan recognized him as Atlas of the Thunderbolts.   
  


Atlas looked down at the kid who had just turned the corner and run into him. "Who the hell are you kid?" He asked. Evan, not wanting to feel the wrath of this person, charged up a level two shot with the ionizers that had been inserted into his hands and shot an electric bolt towards Atlas who received it full on the chest.   
  


Atlas was thrown back a few meters and in the meantime Evan charged up a larger level attack, 13 to be exact. He threw it down the hall and then it struck a wall, the blast that ensued took out a quarter of the building and shot Atlas out of a window to the streets below. Evan who had somehow ran away, unscathed, found himself facing the rest of the Thunderbolts who had heard the blast and rushed to investigate. Evan didn't even think about it, adrenaline took over and he shot them with another thirteenth level ionizer blast, taking out another quarter of the building.   
  


Evan breathed heavily. He held out a shaky hand and examined it for a second. He counted on his fingers. He came up with seven and nodded. "Good that's all of them." Evan then stood up and skipped down to where he saw some stairs in search of Reed Richard's old lab.   
  


**************   
  


Josh sat in Ben's living room, he had the old Scarlet spider uniform on his lap and was sowing it up. "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, OW! DAMMIT!" Ben laughed as Josh tried to desperately not poke his finger with the pin and failed. Josh held it up to Ben and asked him. "Hey Ben can you show me how to do this? Just once?" Ben shrugged.   
  


"Why not? You've suffered enough." Ben showed him a few sewing techniques and then Josh's perception point kicked in and he picked up the technique immediately.   
  


"Thanks." Josh said. Ben got up and watched josh do it again. Josh sat down and began sewing like a pro.   
  


Ben was shocked.   
  


****************   
  


"TOYS GALORE!!!!!" Evan squealed as he gazed upon the massive lab, complete with particle accelerators and Reed's own theories. Evan was in his version of heaven on earth. He ripped through the gigantic text books that were carefully placed, but now lay in piles strewn about the awesome laboratory.   
  


"These formulas are excellent!!! I've already got ideas for my ionizers!" He muttered some formulas involving thermocouples and piezo electric crystals. "It might just work!! All I need now is someway to update my ionizers without another operation." He shuttered, "I hate operations."   
  


Evan dove back into the theories and astro physics books he had found but soon became bored of learning all these things. *I've got all I can handle for one day, I'll just borrow a few of these books and let the information sink in. Time to play with some gizmos.* Evan made his way to one of the five particle accelerators closest to him. He began to operate the machinery. *Flick this switch to split this type of atom. Easy enough.*   
  


Evan continued causing damage on the molecular level when he got an idea. *My ionizer affect the ions of anything... So technically I've been using them to their lowest capability. Now to test my theory.* Evan tapped his palms but didn't circle his hands around each other to charge. Instead he reached his hands out to one of the many astro physics books that were scattered across the floor of the lab. Evan concentrated on the book and imagined spreading it's atomic structure. Sure enough his theory turned out to be correct and the book ceased to exist. Only a thought later the book was whole, all this done by the power of Evan's ionizers. *Holy crap... I kick ASS!!!! What else could I do judging by the powers I put in these things.* Evan ran some formulae through his head all of them dealing with the electric potential of the ionizers. *Perhaps flight is in these puppies capabilities?* He questioned of himself.   
  


Evan charged a level three shot in no time and used the ions of the air to project up wards from below him and found that he could hover. A little more experimenting and some close calls with walls and Evan had mastered the controls of ion flying. *It's too easy, ions are everywhere! I just signed myself up for extreme powers!!* He thought as he continued to hover around waving his hands around each other to keep up a good sized charge. *Wait till Josh sees this!!! I am a GENIUS!!!* He declared mentally as he floated to the ground and began to look for a phone.   
  


But his search for a telephone was cut short when agents of Shield forcefully entered the room and pointed guns of many shapes and sizes at him. One figure stepped out of the pack and addressed him.   
  


"You there! I'll have you know this is private property." The one eyed agent said as he raised his gun to Evan's head level.   
  


"I know, and believe me Col. Fury. I am truly sorry for the extent of damage I have caused. I will go peacefully." He said as he walked towards the confused Shield Colonel.   
  


Two other agents approached Evan slowly, to be sure that there wasn't any tricks about this youth. The two placed handcuffs on Evan which instantly were completely gone. "Only the Colonel may arrest me, the rest of you are not even close to privileged enough." The Colonel gave Evan a strange stare and proceeded to cuff him and lead him to the Shield ship that was parked floating beside the ruins of the freedom four plaza.   
  


************   
  


On the Shield mother ship, Evan glanced around seemingly unimpressed by the array of technology. Fury was impressed by how this boy reacted to the state of the art equipment on board.   
  


"What were you doing at four freedoms plaza kid?" Colonel Fury asked Evan who was now mysteriously uncuffed and sitting in a chair. "Where'd your cuffs go?" Fury asked.   
  


"Well, in laymen's terms I took all of their little ions. Then I spread the ions away from each other. And finally I moved the ions and rearranged them in the shape of a small metal teddy bear. Enjoy." He said as though he was speaking to a young child.   
  


"What are you? A mutant?" Fury asked coldly as he glared at Evan.   
  


"Not really. Don't tell anyone I'm not though. Cause it's a secret." he said in a childish whisper.   
  


Fury held hiosheadas if he had a headache, "Kid I'm not in the mood to play good cop bad cop. I just want to know why you snuck into four freedoms plasa ansd beat up the thunderbolts?"   
  


"Weeelllll. First of, the thunderbolts attacked me. Ya see, I came around the corner and BOOM! Atlas out of nowhere clubs me up top the head. Now Atlas is generally a good guy. Nut today he must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed, cause he just wailed me!!" Evan lied blatantly in a sad attempt to humor Colonel Fury. "Ok! Well maybe I did randomly attack Atlas!!! The rest of them though!! They were after me! And for no good reason neither! Just because I blew up someone's building. Well I say BIG DEAL! A cup of coffee and a game of poker and we will all just be on our way! BUT NOOOO! Thunderbolts into action they say! Stop the villain they say!! Well I say FOOIE!! Yes FOOIE to them all! And they can just FOOIE their whole building too!!" Evan ranted as he attempted to get a laugh out of the stoic Colonel.   
  


The colonel just looked at him as if he had grown seven more heads and a tail. *This kid is insane! Either that or he's just stupid.* Colonel then pressed a button on his suit and spoke into his wrist. "Mister hall?" He asked.   
  


A voice came up from a speaker in his arm. "Yes colonel Fury?"   
  


"I want you to get rid of the kid in my office. Just throw him out the hatch or something. I think he's making me stupider with his ranting."   
  


"Yes sir."   
  


"And get me some aspirin!"   
  


***************   
  


Josh smiled as he stood in front of a mirror in his female form. He'd decided that going to a local high school as a girl would be good for keeping a secret identity. Everyone already knew that he had spider like powers in his male form so he would have to create the ultimate disguise. Josh then put on the Scarlet Spider mask that she had redesigned. *Being an artist comes in handy sometimes.* she thought she had made it to look more like the original Spider Man costume only, she kept the Scarlet Spider jacket and had made black on it.   
  


Josh turned around and looked at her behind view. She cocked her head and grabbed her ass. "Damn! I am so Fine!" Josh then threw a couple kung fu punches and growled while posing in a strong guy type pose. Ben Reilly came into the room a moment later from the front door with some groceries in his hands. He noticed Josh standing at a mirror, who was currently doing a Johnny Bravo impersonation.   
  


"What are you doing?" Ben asked as he unconsciously traveled his eyes down to her posterior. Josh turned around and realized that Ben was there.   
  


"Oh hey Ben. I'm just checking out my new costume." She said as she tore off the mask. She struck a little bit of a pose and smiled. "By tomorrow Spider Girl will be saving lives out there with the big heroes."   
  


Ben looked confused. "How did you finish the costume so fast though?"   
  


Josh shrugged. "Hey I became a master of Martial arts in a year. Why can't I sew up a Spider Costume in a few hours?" Josh took off her gloves, put on a pair of pants and a Chinese shirt that she had gotten from Ranma. The clothes were bulkier on her female form so they hid the Spider costume well. Evan walked in the door a moment later.   
  


"Were have you been all this time?" Josh asked. The black haired boy. Evan shrugged.   
  


"I just went to the FF's building thing and started doing some stuff. I've figured out some other stuff I can do with my ionizers. I'll be going there to learn some stuff on genetics while the Thunderbolts are still in the hospital."   
  


"Why are the Thunderbolts in a hospital?" Ben asked as he set the groceries he was holding on a table nearby. Evan shrugged.   
  


"Something about them falling out of the building they were in."   
  


Josh nodded and then walked over to a phonebook that was sitting in a nearby corner of the living area. Josh dialed in a few numbers and waited for a bit."Yes I'd like to know the closest high school in my area."   
  


"What are you doing?" Ben asked. Josh held up a finger as she tried to listen to what the voice on the other line was saying.   
  


Josh thanked the person on the other line and then hung up. "I'm trying to get myself enrolled in the nearest highschool." She picked up the phone again and then called a new number. "Yeah hello? I'd like to enroll in your high school. Uh huh? Uh huh? Alright thanks."   
  


"Well?" Ben asked. Josh sighed and lay back on the couch.   
  


"I just gotta go down tomorrow and fill out some paperwork later then I can get in. What day is it tomorrow anyway?" Josh asked.   
  


Ben shrugged. "Tomorrow is Halloween. Why?" Josh just shrugged again.   
  


"No reason. I'm gonna get some shut eye, I'll see you in the morning." Ben nodded reluctantly and then left the room. In Joshes mind however a whole other conversation was taking place. *This is bad!* He thought. *Halloween is the night of the Goblin! That's when Norman Osborn is gonna try all that shit and probably kill Ben. I better get Evan to help me with getingt Spider Powers now if I want to save him and Mary Jane's baby.* With that Josh got up and went over to the kitchen where Evan was making a lunch consisting of sandwiches of the peanut butter on white type.   
  


"Evan!" Evan looked up with a peanut butter sandwich dangling from his mouth.   
  


"Hrmph?" He said with all the intelligence he could muster.   
  


"Evan I know this probably isn't the best idea in the world but do you think that you could give me Spider Powers like Peter and Ben down at Reed's lab? I think that it may be the only way that I can save him." Evan nodded. He spit out the sandwich on the counter and smiled.   
  


"And you're willing to be my test subject?" Evan asked with a sneer. Josh glared at him.   
  


"If you don't get it right the first time; than I will beat the hell out of you, Ben will die, Mary Jane's baby will be kidnaped, and we'll be out of a place to crash." Evan not being a complete idiot; devoid of all logic, nodded and followed Josh out the door when she motioned for him to follow.   
  


***************   
  


Later at Four Freedoms Plaza, Josh and Evan entered the Reed Richards long since abandoned lab and Evan started reading books. For some reason Evan was flipping through the books and picking up all of the most important stuff that was in them for duplicating the Spider Man formula. Evan started rewiring some of the machinery in the room and configuring controls in the main central computer. *This is too easy!* Evan thought. *Reed's got all the stuff I need and I've got the knowledge of how to use it somehow. Must be some sort of side effect of the trans dimensional gateway.* Evan shrugged and continued to work.   
  


He looked over to Josh and frowned. "Josh I'm going to need you to find a spider somewhere. It's imperative that you get a big one, but not a tarantula. Got it?" Josh nodded. He had seen lots of Spiders earlier on the way to the lab. Ever since the Fan Four left, the place was being invaded by bugs and such. The Thunderbolts didn't seem to like cleaning. Josh grabbed up a spider web with an especially big spider was nesting. She brought it back to the lab nad set it down on the table.   
  


The spider tried to run away but evan stopped it by putting it in a jar with a holed lid. "Perfect!" Evan said as he set the container aside. He then spent another few minutes rewiring the system and smiled. "I'm done!" He said.   
  


Joshes jaw dropped. "ALREADY!?" She said in amazement. "How could you possibly be done already!?" Evan smiled.   
  


"Now that! Is a secret." He said with a mischievous smile.   
  


"So what do I do?" Josh asked as he eyed the strange machine that Evan had built. It seemed normal enough. A control panel, a little spot to hold some sort of fuel cell or container, a chair and a bunch of lights.   
  


"All you got to do." Evan said. "Is take off all of your clothes and sit in the chair. I'll do the rest." Josh frowned.   
  


"Hey! You're just trying to get me to take my clothes off so that you can ogle my body!" Evan shook his head as he got a few things ready on the control panel.   
  


"No. That's just a bonus."   
  


Josh shuddered and started to take off her clothing. Luckily Evan was looking away at the moment. *I guess I have to make some sacrifices.* She noted to her self as she stripped off the skintight spandex super hero costume. She stood in the nude for a moment waiting for instruction as to what she had to do next.   
  


"What are you doing just standing there?" Evan said with a frown. "Get in the chair!" Josh nodded and sat on the chair. She jumped up for a second when her bare skin touched the cold metal surface. She slowly settled down into the chair but goose bumps rose up on her body. Evan flicked a bunch of switches and then lights went off, the spider, which was inserted into a small microwave like compartment, was bathed in radioactive energies. Evan then hooked Josh up to a needle like device thing and put up a bunch of tube things.   
  


Josh was confused as to what Evan was doing but after all that had happened in this crazy adventure of theirs he still did trust him. Evan flicked a few buttons on the control panels and then Josh was bathed in a similar light, while a little bit of mutagenic fluid was pumped through a tube into her arm.   
  


Josh smiled as she felt her body going through changes. She felt fairly normal but she was in touch with both her female and male bodies and could sense the changes that a normal person like Peter couldn't. Josh felt like jumping for joy. For once Evan had done something useful. She was now officially Spider Girl.   
  


Evan shut down the reactor and smiled. His machine had done it's job right, now he was ready to gaze upon the monstrous creation that Josh had become. Evan frowned as Josh stepped out of the machine completely normal. "What went wrong?!" Evan mused angrily to himself. "That should have changed you into a hideous half man half spider!" Josh frowned and Punched Evan in the stomach. Evan flew back about twenty feet and crashed into the main circuit board that supplied the building with power. All the lights shut off for a moment but when they turned on again Evan noticed that Josh and her clothes were gone.   
  


"DAMN!" He said as he slammed his fist onto the control panel of the machine he created. It smashed and then a fire started. Evan ran out of the room and exited the building, hoping that no one saw him leave.   
  


****************   
  


josh grinned as she soared through the roof tops of New York on his way to Ben's apartment. He was female at the time but having Spider Powers was more amazing than she could have ever hoped for. Evan had actually made her into a Spider Person. Though she didn't have webs yet she was perfectly content with jumping across the rooftops. When She jumped down to some of the smaller buildings in Ben's area she heard a scream.   
  


"Oh this is too perfect." She said as she turned and headed towards the scream. She jumped down into an alley where the scream was located.   
  


***************   
  


She screamed as loud as she could. She wasn't a bad person. She never did anything to deserve this. She was just on her way home to see her husband and children after working the late shift at her work. Now all that was on her mind was running, running and hoping that somebody would save her.   
  


She accidentally turned into an alley, stumbled, and fell when she noticed that it was a dead end. She tried to get up again and run back so she could go out into the open where she could get more distance from her assailants. When she turned though they were already stalking towards her at the mouth of the alley.   
  


That's what it really looked like now to her, it was a mouth, and she was in the belly of the beast.   
  


"Well lady." One of the punks said to her as he stepped forward with a switch blade. "It looks like you've gotten yourself in a little bit of a predicament."   
  


"P-Please don't hurt me!" The short haired woman pleaded. Hoping that the thugs would show just a little bit of pity and human emotion. No luck, they advanced. Just then she heard something behind her in the alley, she looked back but that was just the chance that the thugs were waiting for and they jumped upon her, or at least they tried to.   
  


The punks had only gotten half way to the woman on the alley floor when something red and black dropped down into the alley and knocked the two of them into the separate walls of the alley. The two looked up tow see.   
  


"It's some sort of Spider Man wannabe!" shouted one of the thugs, as he pulled out his switch blade and got up to attack.   
  


"It's just some chick!" Said the other, pulling out a much larger knife. And rushing at the same time as his friend. Josh smiled as he watched the two dumb thugs run at her with a couple of knives. This was way too easy, she almost wished that a super villain would show up so that she could actually get a good workout. She jumped just at the last second and the two teenage gang members ran into each other. She then came down upon them and elbowed them both on their heads, sending them to La La land.   
  


"Night, night you dumb assess." She really didn't feel like coming up with anything witty, this was her first night of being a super hero so she decided that she would take it easy for now. Just the rush of being able to use her powers was cool enough. She felt a flash and looked over to the woman who she had just rescued.   
  


The woman had a camera with her. "Jeeze does everyone in New York carry cameras around with them at all times?" She said. The woman put the camera back into her purse and then ran past Josh and out of the alley.   
  


Josh shrugged ans jumped up onto a nearby rooftop. Little did she know that there was somebody else in the alley. Somebody that had been watching her.   
  


*****************   
  


Josh jumped in through Ben's apartment window which was open and breathed a deep breath. "Ah it feels good to be alive." Josh then looked up to the room and smiled beneath her mask. She jumped up and planted her feet on the ceiling. Much to her pleasure they stayed there. This deserved a victory dance and Spider Girl began marching back and forth on the roof. "BOOM! Here comes the, BOOM! Ready or not. Here comes the Spider Girl." (To the tune of BOOM from P.O.D.) {One of my favorite bands.}   
  


Just then a tired and weary Ben came into the living area where Spider Girl was marching around on the ceiling and singing at the top of her lungs.   
  


"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!" Ben screamed. Josh stopped her marching and dropped down to the floor. Landing in a classic Spidey pose.   
  


"CHA!"   
  


"Since when could you climb on the ceiling?" Ben asked in wonder.   
  


Josh smiled and skipped around goofily "Since Evan put radioactive Spider blood in me. Cool eh? I already saved some chicks life tonight." Ben shook his head and walked back to his room to get some sleep.   
  


Josh danced around and sang about his newly acquired powers, but mostly the Spider Man theme from the 60's with a Spider Girl add in. She stopped as a heavy tingle went off in her head, she instinctively leapt to the right to avoid the suspected attack which came in the form of a very menacing looking symbiote named Venom. His huge claw slammed into the ground and left five splintered holes.   
  


"You are not Parker! But his smell is on you!" Venom, a life form of few words, swept his left, now clawed, hand at Josh's head.   
  


"Hey!" Josh said as she ducked and then leapt back to get some distance between them. "What'd I ever do to you? I'm just trying to save lives."   
  


"You are but a girl." Venom said menacingly. "But you know where Spider Man is. TELL US!" Venom then jumped towards Spider Girl and did a double crescent slash. Josh jumped up and held onto the ceiling for a moment, once Venom was underneath her she pushed off and slammed both heels into his head, knocking him to the ground. She then leapt back onto Ben's couch and growled.   
  


"My wife would be 'pissed' if she found out that there was some sort of monster after me."   
  


This caught Venom off guard, both Eddie Brock and the Symbiote. "WIFE?!" That was all the time Josh needed and then the cavalry came in the form of Ben. Planting a well placed kick to Venoms mid section, He had a mask on to conceal his identity but that was all. {NOT all.}   
  


"You're a real magnet for trouble aren't you kid?" Ben asked as he faced off against the enraged Venom. "What brings you around here smiley?" Venom growled.   
  


"We do not need an excuse for coming after you Parker. We only want revenge for our humiliation!" Venom leapt at Ben again but Josh wrapped her legs around Venom and flipped him over onto his head.   
  


"Hey I'm here to! Pay attention to ME! Pay attention to ME!" Josh said in a whiney kind of voice. Josh then pushed Ben out of the way and faced off against Venom again. "Let me handle this. I have an idea." Venom, predictable as ever stood up and then shot out a line of webbing at Josh. She jumped over the line and got up nice and close to the symbiotic entity. "This is how the pros do it Snacky. TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN!" She yelled before sending over a thousand super strong punches at Venom. The spider agility also increased her speed so she was able to pull double the usual amount, and the impacts of each punch was about five hundred times harder. Josh then pulled back her arms, charged up her chi and screamed at the top of her lungs. "MOKO TAKABISHAAAA!" A yellow burst of chi energy erupted from joshes palms and struck Venom in the chest. He flew back out the window he had come in and soared through the sky over New York.   
  


Josh went to the hole in the wall and looked out at where she sent Eddie. "Hmm? Looks like I threw him in the direction of the FF building."   
  


"H-How did..." Ben asked in awe as he looked at the hole in the wall. "How did you?" Josh took off her mask and walked by Ben, she wasn't even sweating. She pat him on the shoulder and whispered in his ear.   
  


"I beat him worse than you ever could have hoped to."   
  


Ben looked around just realizing the damage and sighed. "The land lord is gonna kill me."   
  


******************   
  


Evan began to walk away from the Fan Four building. Then a low whistling came up fast and a few levels were swept instantly from the building. "WHAT THE!!!!!!!!" Evan charged up his ionizers, much to the surprise of the hot dog guy and the rest of the street walking civilians. Evan slowly raised in the air, then accelerated towards the leveled areas of the building.   
  


A short while later Evan was hovering above the newly made wreckage. *What could have caused this?* He decided to find out by ionizing the entire first level of rubble.   
  


Near the far side of the level he heard a low moan. Evan flew towards it and revealed a broken and bruised Eddie Brock with small traces of symbiote covering the private areas of the villain. *What's he doing here?* Evan hovered down near him.   
  


"Venom? What happened to you?" Evan said with actual concern. "I mean you are one of my favorite villains and all, so if I can help you in any way I would be glad to."   
  


He sputtered up a large amount of blood and got out one word before passing out. "Hospital..."   
  


Evan shrugged, "Sure thing." The electric boy created a small ion field around the large man and set off at a speed near the sound barrier towards the nearest hospital with Eddie trailing behind.   
  


Evan waited in the waiting room at the hospital watching Frasier on the T.V. Evan groaned at the boring T.V. show. He had been watching some sort of Frasier fest for seven hours now, there wasn't even a remote to change the Chanel. The sun was already up and he was slowly dozing off to sleep. "Must stay awake. No, sleep, Frasier: Boring!" Evan's head drooped to one side and he began to snore because of the awkward position he was in.   
  


Just then a doctor came over to him and shook his shoulder. Evan unconsciously zapped him with a small static shock but stayed asleep. The doctor shook him again and Evan finally woke up. "WHAT!" The doctor frowned at him.   
  


"Young man, the man you brought in is stable now, we were able to stop the internal bleeding and he is in a full body cast. His left arm and bot legs are broken in at least seven places. His all of his ribs were shattered and we had to replace most of them just so that he could survive the night. He'll never run again and he'll walk with a limp for the rest of his life." Evan looked stunned and tired. (Given) Who the hell could have mutilated Venom so badly?   
  


Evan thanked the doctor and asked if he could visit him. The doctor shook his head. "Mr..." He looked at his clip board, "Borck is unconscious at the moment. You can come back tomorrow and visit him though." Evan nodded and stood up.   
  


"Well I better get going now. Thanks doc." Evan took one step forward and then fell on his face and began sleeping on the ground. The doctor sighed. Now he needed to move him into a room. *What a waste of time.*   
  


*****************   
  


{This is the end of our story! I am Spider Girl! Okay so it's not the end, but it will get very interesting later on let me tell you. Let's recap, I've got a jusenkyo curse, spider powers, Martial art, Perception point, and chi control. I'm gonna whoop sirius ASS! Evan will do some stuff. No big deal. How might you ask could I be so brutal and cruel to Venom? Well someone had to do it. Spider Man never takes care of his enemies. He sends them to jail and then they escape to cause trouble later. The only exception is Norman Osborn, and we all know that he didn't actually die. He'll be back. Like in the next chapter. I felt that since I had the power. I should put a stop to at least one of the villains. It only makes sense. I can guarantee you that I will not be as brutal to the others though. I'm not a mean guy. And I felt that Venom could probably take whatever I could dish out. That's all from me.}   
  


Morden Night: anime_morden@crystal-tokyo.com 

(Well I'm SORRY Josh but Venom couldn't take an amaguriken to the chest with spidey strength! You just beat up my second favorite Spidey villain. Second of course to the great Mysterio and Electro, they are tied.)   
  


{But their, like, the reject villains.}   
  


(I DON'T CARE!!!!!!! They have cool powers. I mean, the ability to make anything seem real, and the ability, much like my own, top control the most powerful force on earth. ELECTRICITY!!! So I have found out my potentials, or some of them. You never know, I might have more. Yeah well this chapter is all about me finding out about my powers or something. I really doubt that this has anything to do with well anything but what the heck. IF YOU FIND A BRAIN ON THE STREET!! YOU DON"T JUST WASH IT CLEAN WITH SOAP AND WATER!!!! NO!!!! YOU MUST THINK IT CLEAN!!!! YES YOU MUST USE THE MENTAL CLEANNESS OF MR. CLEAN HIMSELF AND FORCE THE SPOTLESS FACE OF JUSTICE UPON IT!!!!! so there.)   
  


Agasaki Ishano : agasaki@crystal-tokyo.com 

web page: evan_m0.tripod.com   
  


(P.s: I know my web site sucks, so don't make fun of it... much.)   
  
  
  



	8. The Night Of The Goblin, Justice Of The ...

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Self Insertion   
  


This is a self insertion fic. It's pretty much me and my friend get into a Sliders type mix up. Cept we go to worlds like Animes and Cartoons and Movies and other stuff. Both of us are writing it as well so the Genre will fluctuate. Be warned, be afraid, be readin' my story please. And enjoy.   
  


Disclaimer: I don't own nothin! Cept me!   
  


* *: Thoughts   
  


Capital letters: Shouting or loud noises   
  


: Japanese   
  


_ _: Stressed words   
  


{ }: Josh's own thoughts   
  


( ): Evan's own thoughts and location   
  


Chapter 8   
  


The Night Of The Goblin, Justice Of The Spider Men.   
  


Josh yawned as she awoke. She looked at the clock on the far wall that was not destroyed by her fight with Venom the night earlier. She felt something crack when she did the amaguriken on him. She threw off the blanket that covered her body and she stood up. It was only 10:00 in the morning so she had lots of time to eat and get to the school to enroll. She was here for six months so she might as well keep her education up. Josh walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. Ben was already there and was reading a paper. He had a bowl of Fruit Loops and was busy munching those down. Josh sat down and reached across the table to grab the box of cereal.   
  


"Morning." She said Ben nodded and then looked up at Josh he then turned his head away and covered his eyes.   
  


"JEEZE! Put some clothes on! Don't you have any decency?" Josh looked down at her chest. Her breasts were completely bare and all that she was wearing was a pair of boxers. This was how she looked in the mornings when she was in her male form, why not in her girl form?   
  


"What's wrong?" Josh asked the blonde haired man across the table from her. "You act like you've never seen a girl half naked. It's no big deal. Sides I'm a guy on the inside and that's what counts." Josh then began eating the fruit loops in front of her.   
  


"Well could you put something on just in case someone came to the door? People would get the wrong idea." Josh shrugged. She just munched on the cereal. The doorbell to the apartment rang just then as if Ben mentioning it had triggered that event. Josh smiled at Ben evilly and Ben looked worried.   
  


"You wouldn't." He said.   
  


"Try me." Josh said as she jumped out of her seat and rushed to the door. Ben jumped out of his seat and did a flip over the table giving chase. He was a second to late however and Josh was already at the door and opening it. "Hello?" Josh asked.   
  


The girl at the door looked at Josh with confusion, she had blonde hair that went down to her shoulders and was around Ben's age. She wore a green top with horizontal black lines and some light blue jeans. "Who the hell are you?" She asked.   
  


Josh smiled. *This is fun! Now I get to make an alias for my girl half.* "My names Joanna, Joanna VanDeen. Nice to meet you." Josh held out a hand to the girl and smiled wide. Desiree just looked at her hand as if it were lined with poison.   
  


"Uh huh? Listen I'm looking for Ben Reilly. Is he here?" She said icily. Ben grabbed Joshes should and tossed her back into the apartment.   
  


"Put your damn clothes on!" Ben yelled at her as Josh landed on her butt with an audible thump.   
  


"Jerk!" She said before picking up her Chinese pants and putting them on.   
  


Desiree looked at Ben with a look that could freeze fire. "And just who exactly is your little friend Mr. Reilly?" She asked. Ben sweated as he desperately tried to come up with an answer.   
  


"Uhm? She's my cousin. She lives out of town and I'm putting her up for a while." Desiree growled and looked back in at Josh who was now making faces at Ben behind his back. While putting on her shirt.   
  


"She has no Feminine decency." She noted, relieved that it wasn't some teenaged hussy he was having an affair with. If anyone had subjected that to Josh though he would have most likely broken their arms. "Listen, Ben, I was wondering if maybe you were free this Friday. I was thinking that we could go get some dinner. Our last date was kind of ruined by all those bees so maybe we could give it another shot."   
  


Ben stuttered a bit. "Uh s-sure! I'd love to!" Desiree smiled.   
  


"Great! I'll pick you up at your place at seven." Desiree then turned around and left. Ben stared off after her and then frowned when a feminine voice rose up behind him.   
  


"Ben and Desiree lyin in a bed Have I-N-G S-E..." Ben turned around and grabbed Josh in a headlock.   
  


"If you ever answer my door with your shirt off again I will kick you out of here SO fast." Josh gagged and flipped over Ben's head, breaking his grip.   
  


"Jeez! Watch it with the Spider Strength there buddy!" Joanna, as she was now going to call herself in her female form, said while she rubbed her almost sore neck. "I'm not exactly an adamantium girder you know, 'cousin'!" She said sarcastically.   
  


"Aww, you can take it 'Spider Girl'!" Ben said as he jumped at her to put her into another headlock. His Spider Sense went off in mid air though but it was to late and Josh spun around and kicked Ben in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him and knocking him against the wall.   
  


Josh then waved at him and opened the door. "Well I gotta go enroll in the local high school mister Reilly. I'll be back later to aid you and Peter in your fight against Mendel Stromm." Josh grabbed a bag and stuffed her Spider Girl costume into it quickly. She then rushed out the door.   
  


Ben lay on the ground clutching his stomach. *That girl can...kick!* he noted as he tried desperately to breath normally.   
  


**************   
  


Evan woke up in a hospital bed with a huge headache. *This is becoming habit for me. But the Hospital setting is new.*   
  


The electrical boy rolled over and yelped in surprise. "AHHHH VENOM!!!!!... wait a sec, I brought him here. So why am I yelling?" Evan pondered for a second.   
  


Eddie Brock woke up with a start. "What's the noise about?" He muttered sleepily and attempted to roll to one side.   
  


He failed to do so and found that he had been placed in a full body cast. "Ah man! This sucks!!!" He seemed to be handling himself quite well for his situation, which didn't really allow him to move anything but his mouth, eyes and one arm..   
  


Evan rolled out of his hospital bed and staggered over to Eddie. "Um, can I help you Eddie?" Evan asked in an attempt to get on the villains good side. "I'd really like to help you in anyway possible."   
  


Eddie reached his only good arm out and placed his hand on Evan's forearm. "Yeah, there is one thing."   
  


"Great! What is it, cause I know those casts can get itchy... Are you itchy, cause I had a cast on my arm once and it was itchy as... WHAT THE HELL!?!" A black liquid had started to run from Eddie's arm and into Evan's.   
  


The black haired boy attempted to pull back but Eddie was holding strong, keeping Evan in place. *OH CRAP! T-that's a SYMBIOTE!!* Evan thought as he decided that force was the only way out of the transfer. He cautiously tapped his palms together and circled his free arm around the captive one in an attempt to create a large charge to rid himself of the alien. But he was to late. His body convulsed and the black Symbiote began shooting out to cover him entirely. To Evan, everything had instantly went black as night and random burst of pain spread across his frame. He heard a voice inside his head that was not his own, it was strange and angry sounding, but it also seemed like it had nothing on it's mind other than survival and Spider Man, a previous host of the symbiote.   
  


Eddie began to breath hard as he looked up at the new Venom. "Listen kid, I want you to find Spider Girl. Get revenge. She did this to me." Eddie's heart monitor began to speed up rapidly and then he began to convulse.   
  


"WHAT!? Spider Girl But she's my best friend!" Evan looked towards the heart monitor and sighed. Eddie had flat lined. He was dead and couldn't hear him. Evan sighed and sat down on the hospital bed he was on earlier. *Oh well I might as well kick Joshes ass for beating me up so many times. Just to even things up.*   
  


Evan clutched his head in pain. The symbiote was angry at Evan for some reason, but it was bonded to him somehow. It wanted Evan to KILL Josh, for killing it's previous host. Not only that, it still wanted to kill Spider Man/Peter Parker. *Fuck that! I ain't killing anyone!* The symbiote made Evan's head throb in pain but then Evan shocked it with the ionizers and it backed down. *My body, my rules!* The symbiote stayed quiet.   
  


Evan looked towards the window and then smiled an evil venom-like smile. "Fun time!" Evan then ran over to the window, jumped out and spun out a web line. "WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!"   
  


***************   
  


Josh sat in a chair and smiled trying to look happy but she had no idea why she was willingly enrolling herself in high school when she didn't have to. She was currently filling out a form in the schools office She had to use fake identification because a girl named Josh would be a little suspicious. She decided to use the alias Joanna VanDeen. It was very similar to her real name. She handed the form to the principle person and smiled. "There I'm done."   
  


The Principle, a man in his thirties with fairly good looking hair, looked over the paper and adjusted his glasses. "Well miss VanDeen, you can go to room 113 and begin class there. I'll send you a timetable tomorrow and then you can continue on with the regular school year."   
  


Josh nodded and smiled. "Thanks mister Woodyear." Josh stood up and headed out of the office. She looked around at the room numbers and smiled when she found room 113. She entered the room and then the entire classes eyes where on her. She shrunk down a little bit from all of the attention and waved shyly. "Uhm Hello?"   
  


The teacher turned around from the chalkboard she was currently writing on and looked over to Josh. "May I ask what it is your doing here miss...?"   
  


Josh walked to the front of the class and handed her a piece of paper. "Joanna, Joanna VanDeen. Mr. Woodyear said I was to attend this class." The teacher nodded and then handed the paper back to Josh.   
  


"Take your seat Miss VanDeen. We're in the middle of learning about the Civil War." Josh nearly facefaulted. He couldn't believe that he got a history class. This was going to be a long six months. She found herself an empty desk and sat down. She slumped into her chair and groaned.   
  


A girl sitting next to Josh extended her hand towards her and smiled. "Hey I'm Nikki, Nikki Johnston it's a pretty boring class so I prefer to just chat with the girls through it."   
  


"Josh smirked and grabbed her hand and shook it. "I'm Joanna. Don't tell anyone but I'm actually a boy." Nikki giggled.   
  


"You're funny, in a sarcastic kind of way. You'll fit in with the girls here no problem." Josh shrugged and tried to desperately fall asleep.   
  


***************   
  


Evan had swung his way around most of the city but still hadn't actually found his adopted home. *Where did Ben live? Josh said something about a night of the Goblin or something, which if I remember means Ben dies. And he's a good guy so I don't want him to die.* He felt a sharp pain in his head. *NO you basterdly symbiote we won't kill Ben! We will help him!! AHH I SAID WE!!!! I HAS BEGUN!!!* Evan looked frantically for the apartment building or the cafe where Ben worked.   
  


*We should probably blend in when we land symbiote, we wouldn't want to be shot at.* Evan pointed out to his alien body suit. A tingly feeling in his head confirmed that the suit agreed with him for the first time since the bonding.   
  


Evan felt a second tingle as the exact directions to the cafe popped up in his head. *Well thank you symbiote. If you keep up the good behaviour I won't have to keep shocking you.* Evan smiled as he thought this and swung off towards the cafe.   
  


*****************   
  


Josh smiled as she left the school, she looked at her watch, which she stole off of some punk kid, and realized that it was about the time that Mary Jane and aunt Anna would go to the Daily Grind. She decided to go back into the school and change into Spider Girl so that she could get across town easier. As she turned around she bumped into another girl.   
  


"Sorry." Josh said and then continued to walk towards the school. The girl who he walked into grabbed her arm and smiled.   
  


"Hey Joanna I was wondering if you'd like to hang with me and the girls today. Interested? We're going to the mall to do some shopping." Josh shuddered a bit.   
  


"Uhm no thanks Nikki. I've got to stay in and talk to the Principle. I also got to call my parents. Josh then turned and ran into the school. She hurried over to a girls washroom with a window, made sure it was empty, locked the door and began to change into her super hero costume.   
  


All of a sudden. Joshes forearms started to ache. She screamed and bent over in pain, then out of nowhere something shot out of her wrists and splattered all over the far wall. She looked up in shock and then realized. "I have webs!" indeed the substance that was covering the wall was a spider web like substance. Apparently she was able to generate her own webs. She smiled and then finished putting on her costume. She opened up a window and jumped out. She threw out her hand in a classic thwip pose and shot out a webline as if she was born to do so. She swung from it and soared over all of the students exiting the school. Many people pointed up and exclaimed that it was Spider Man and Josh decided to drop down and reveal her self to the public.   
  


Josh dropped down in front of the students and grabbed her boobs. "DO I LOOK LIKE A MAN!!! I'M SPIDER GIRL!! Get the terms right punks!" Josh then shot out another web to a nearby building and began swinging around looking for the Daily Grind.   
  


*****************   
  


Evan arrived at the cafe where Ben had worked only to find that he wasn't there.   
  


"WELL THIS IS JUST PEACHY!!!" A normal looking Evan exclaimed to the waitress at the counter who was slowly backing away from the screaming man. "WELL I'M LEAVING!!!" Evan marched outside and formed himself into an elderly man with a walker and went down the street rambling about the world ending. *Man I'm bored. Might as well piss people off. Huh!?! That tune!!* Evan refered to the loud singing overhead, which was a blatent rip off of the 60's Spider Man song. "Josh." Evan stated darkly and morphed, much to the surprise of bystanders, into his Venom form and took off after Spider Girl. Evan, to mock the singer, began his own rendition of Row, row, row your boat.   
  


Josh swung through the City with a huge grin on her face. She was causing quite a ruckus. She was singing the Spider Man theme from the 60's again but was replacing Spider Man with Spider Girl. She then heard another voice behind her and saw Venom. Larger than life and twice as ugly. Josh nearly fell out of mid swing. Venom was singing row row row your boat. Josh stopped and clung to the side of a nearby building. Venom followed suit and landed right beside her.   
  


Venom grinned at Josh. Josh was very cautious, her Spider sense wasn't giving her any warning signals but Venom was very sporadic. "Hey Josh-chan! Were yah going?"   
  


Josh lost her grip for a moment. "EVAN!?! When did you get a Venom symbiote?!" Evan/Venom shrugged.   
  


"Eddie Brock died and told me to get revenge for him on you. Apparently you killed him. I won't do it though cause I'm a good guy too. So...were are you going? Is there a robbery or something going on?"   
  


Josh shook her head. "No. I'm going to go save Mary Jane's baby."   
  


"Oh. Want some help?"   
  


Josh shook her head. "I don't need help with the baby saving part but you could go find Peter and Ben and help them out with their fight against Mendel Stromm later." Evan looked thoughtful for a moment.   
  


"Do I get to beat people up?"   
  


"You can kill them for all anyone cares. He'll die anyway."   
  


Evan jumped off the building and began swinging towards the Parker house. "WHOO HOO! BRAINS!" Josh shook her head and continued her trek to the Daily Grind.   
  


***************   
  


4:30   
  


Josh landed on top of the roof of the Daily Grind and smiled to herself. "Just on time." She saw Mary Jane and Aunt Anna enter the premises. Josh took off her mask and changed into her civie clothes. She jumped down into a nearby alley and walked into the Daily Grind herself to meet up with the ladies. She walked over to the table that the two ladies were sitting at and smiled at them, giving a little wave as well.   
  


"Hey! Mary Jane. Hi mind if I sit with you?" Mary looked a little confused.   
  


"Hey aren't you...?" Josh nodded.   
  


"Yeah it's me Josh. I just thought that I'd swing over and tell you that Ben and Peter are going to be late." Josh smiled at Anna and extended a hand to her in greeting. "Hi I'm Josh. I'm a friend of Ben's." Anna smiled and took the offered hand.   
  


"Hello, I'm Mary's aunt Anna, please sit. Make yourself comfortable." Josh smiled and did as he was told.   
  


"Thank you?"   
  


**************   
  


Evan changed into his normal form and knocked on Peter's door. He was pleasantly surprised that he had found the right address and that Peter was home as well. "Hello?"   
  


"Hi Pete." Evan said with a wave. "Josh told me to come over here and accompany you and Ben to the Daily Grind. We'll be making a stop on the way to fight Mendel Stromm and a bunch of robot kids."   
  


"Huh?" Pete said "What are you talking about?"   
  


"Never mind."   
  


Ben came out of the house a moment later carrying a small black beeper. "Is this it?" He asked Peter. He handed it to Peter who smiled,   
  


"Yeah that's it. Thanks Ben."   
  


Ben then noticed that Evan was there. "What are you doing here?" Evan shrugged.   
  


"I dunno?" Ben shook his head and grabbed his jacket, Peter followed suit and grabbed his own. The three then left the house and began walking towards the Daily Grind.   
  


"Y'know Pete,I can't tell you how much I admire you, your ability to survive. You've been through so much! But no matter what you get thrown at you... You bounce back! You've got a great life, a wonderful wife, a baby on the way, I really envy you, man... and I can't wait to be an uncle!"   
  


"You left out that I've got a great 'brother' too, and it means a lot to me that you're here to be a part of it."   
  


"Aw dude..."   
  


"Jeez what's with all the mushy crap? Evan said with a frown. Let's just get to the Grind. I'm kind of hungry." Ben and Peter frowned at Evan and shot him a glare. "Or not." Evan said sheepishly. "Hey guess what?"   
  


Ben and Peter looked curious. "What?" They said simultaniously.   
  


Evan smiled. "Josh just developed Spider powers."   
  


Ben looked confused. "I thought she already had those. What with the way she was jumping all over town and sticking to the ceiling and all."   
  


Evan shook his head. "She only developed them last night. I gave them to her using some of the stuff down at the FF building. She even killed Venom on her first night of super heroism."   
  


"Wait a minute. Killed Venom? Your kidding right? How would you know?" Peter asked incredulously   
  


Evan shrugged. "Maybe because I took him to the hospital that night and watched him die the next morning. Not to mention the fact that with his last breath he transferred the Symbiote to me." Evan held up his hand and made the Venom symbiote's dark form swirl around his hand.   
  


"Whoa! She permanently took out a major villain on her first night?" Pete asked as they passed by some condemned building.   
  


K BLANG!   
  


Peter and Ben's heads whipped around to the building as their Spider Senses went off.   
  


"JEEZ!"   
  


"LOUISE!"   
  


Peter, Ben and Evan jumped over one of the walls and entered the building. When they all got there they were surprised to see a couple of...   
  


"Kids?" Ben asked as he looked over to the three kids playing in the ruble. One was a dark skinned boy with short black hair he was holding a garbage can lid.   
  


"You're no match for Thor and Captain America you stinking, slimy, sentinel!" he said to one of the other youths, who had a bucket with a large slit in the side cut out for a single eye hole.   
  


"I will DESTROY you BOTH!" The bucket head said to the other boy and the brown haired girl with the pigtails beside him.   
  


"HEY!" Ben and Peter said simultaneously. The kids stopped and looked over to them confused. Just as Peter was about to reprimand the kids for playing in such a dangerous place a huge bolt of electrical energy caught him off guard and struck the three children with full force. An explosion ensued and then three small carcasses lay scattered among the floor. Peter and Ben looked back at Evan who smiled.   
  


"That's one problem solved."   
  


Ben and Peter were shocked. They couldn't believe that anyone could be so heartless and ruthless as to kill a couple of kids for no reason. Evan hopped over to the fried carcasses and turned into Venom, he formed a claw and tore one of the children apart and held up what was left to show Peter and Ben.   
  


Circuits, gears, and other metal parts were all that was inside the kid. "R...ROBOTS!?" Peter said unbelievably. "What's going on here?!"   
  


Just then the wall behind them caved in and a large mechanical monstrosity burst through. "REILLY!" It screamed, as what was left of the wall fell on and covered up Ben. Peter and Evan jumped back in surprise and got ready to fight.   
  


The giant monster stopped and stared down at the ruble. "Surely I haven't buried Spide..." Ben then jumped out from under the ruble fully clothed in Spider Man clothing.   
  


"Nope. Just slipping into something a little more... versatile." He said as he soared over the the man in the robot armor.   
  


The man then began to shoot at Reilly with a large oversized, machine gun. Ben was starting to have trouble dodging all the bullets, they seemed to be getting closer every time.   
  


"Don't assume that you can evade my particle grenades indefinitely Reilly! My..." The robot man said before being cut off by Venom who jumped on his head and began tearing off pieces of mechanical hardware from off of his body.   
  


"Hey there Stromm!" Evan said as he continued to tear pieces off. "Hope you don't mind if we eat your brains." Peter groaned. It seemed that the Venom symbiote corrupted every person it bonded with. Now Evan was talking about eating brains. He decided to put a stop to that. And jumped at Stromm. He knocked the Man back off of his feet and Mendel Stromm lay there with many cuts and scratches on his face. Peter, Evan, and Ben all stood around Stromm and frowned at him.   
  


"What's going on here Stromm." Peter asked as he recognized the man under their feet. Ben promptly webbed as much moving mechanical parts to the ground as he could to ensure that Stromm wouldn't move.   
  


"Yes it is I, Mendel Stromm, or as you may previously know me as, THE ROBOT MASTER!" With that Stromm pressed a button on his thumb with his forefinger. Out of the ground two robotic things flew out, they had large claws and little red eyes that were probably sensors. Peter pointed to them.   
  


"Venom and I will take the spiky Robots you take care of Stromm." Ben nodded and then noticed that the Robot Master had gotten up and torn through the webbing.   
  


"It's gonna be a long day!" Ben noted as he began to trade blows with Stromm.   
  


***************   
  


"Where are those two?" Mary Jane asked to no one in particular.   
  


Josh who was sitting beside her decided to answer her anyway. "Ben and Peter probably got caught up with something along the way, if you know what I mean." Mary Jane thought about that for a second and realized that Josh was talking about that night of the goblin thing.   
  


"Well I can't wait any longer. I need something to tide me over till they get here." Mary Jane turned to look at a waitress who was standing beside the table and smiled at her. "Could I have a bowl of that delicious chicken Gumbo, please...just for now, and some crackers?" The waitress nodded and put the pen she was holding behind her ear.   
  


"Very well, ma'am. Coming right up!" With that she left towards the kitchen.   
  


Josh smiled as he watched her go. It was just as she had expected. She had to play her cards right, she only had one chance at saving Mary's baby.   
  


When the lady came back with the food, Mary nearly dove into eating it, until Josh put a hand over the bowl to stop her. "What are you...?"   
  


"This Gumbo is drugged." Josh said in a monotone voice. He leaned in to Mary Jane and whispered in her ear. "My Spider Sense went off as soon as the lady set it down. Don't eat it. I'll dispose of it." Josh then grabbed the Gumbo, and the crackers just to be sure, and threw them in the garbage.   
  


She then walked back over to Mary Jane and sat down beside her. "Why don't we take a walk? I know where Peter and Ben are. We can meet them instead." Mary contemplated that for a second and realized that she was just restless.   
  


"Okay. That seems like an okay idea." The three ladies grabbed their coats, except Josh who didn't bring a coat, and headed out the door.   
  


Back in the restaurant the waitress cursed as she watched her prey get away. Her boss would almost literally kill her if he found out that she had failed. She didn't have much choice though now. She had to let them go. She pulled out a cell phone and dialed in a number. "Sir?" She said. "I've lost them. They left the Grind and are now looking for Ben and Peter. What should I do?" She paused for a minute and just listened to what the voice on the other end told her. "Yes sir." She said and then hung up the phone.   
  


****************   
  


Evan, Ben, and Peter stood amongst the wreckage of the building they had destroyed in their fight with The Robot Master. Mendel Stromm lay in the rubble broken, bloody and bruised. His robots lay scattered all across the places and none of the Spider powered people had even a scratch on themselves.   
  


"Y'know? That was a hell of a lot easier with more than one Spider Man." Peter said.   
  


Ben picked up the helmet that Stromm was wearing and took off his mask. "No kidding. It's nice having Venom as one of the good guys too." Peter nodded.   
  


"No doubt about that."   
  


Evan smiled. "That's because I am a GREAT SUPER HERO! I AM POWER ULTIMATE! No villain can stand up against my might! Chibi!"   
  


Peter looked confused. "Chibi?" He asked confused.   
  


"Let's go meet up with Mary Jane now. I'm hungry, and I don't want to have to explain this mess to anyone." Peter nodded his agreement, as did Evan. Peter put his arms around Bens shoulders, Ben put his mask back on and leapt to a nearby building. Evan jumped after them in his Venom guise and the trio of Spider Men swung through the city towards the Daily Grind, Ben's place of work.   
  


A lone figure stood in the shadows of the rubble and watched as they left. "Now this changes everything doesn't it?" He mused to himself as he pulled out a cigar and lit it before walking away.   
  


***************   
  


Josh smiled as he saw the three Spider Men jump across the roof tops. He waved to them and they saw her. They jumped down onto a nearby roof top, changed into civies, which had been picked up at Peter's place, and dropped into an alley to meet them without looking suspicious.   
  


"How'd your days go?" Josh asked with a smile. Peter frowned.   
  


"All right I admit you were right. I'm sorry for doubting you but you have to realize that your story sounded hokey, even to me." Josh shrugged.   
  


"What can I say?...No really. I have no idea how to end that. Did Evan actually help out or was he just an idiot trying to eat brains?"   
  


"Actually we kind of want to know why it is you felt the need to kill Venom?" Josh groaned.   
  


"Because you wouldn't. Sides I thought he could take more than that. I went fairly easy on him for a big time super villain. I only had these powers for half an hour or so before I fought him. And if I just beat him up and left him to the police he'd just come after me again. Now Venom is a good guy. Why should you complain?"   
  


"You just..." Peter started, but Ben stopped him.   
  


"He's right Pete. No matter how we look at it, he's right. Our heroes code is kind of a flop when it comes to big league villains like Venom."   
  


"Yeah and think about how many people would be saved from battles that now won't have to be fought. How many people have been seriously injured or even killed in your fights? I think that one villain losing his life is better than a whole bunch of civilians. Now lets go to the Daily Bugle."   
  


"Why do you want to go to the Daily Bugle?" asked Ben.   
  


"Cause all of the people you care about are being held hostage there by the Green Goblin. It's loaded with highly explosive Pumpkin Bombs."   
  


"WHAT!" Peter said shocked. "We have to get over there right away!"   
  


"You better get your old Spider Man costume Peter." Josh said sternly. "It may actually take four Spider Men to take down the Green Goblin once and for all." Ben nodded and then looked over to Mary Jane and Aunt Anna who were currently talking with Evan.   
  


The three Spider Powered people walked over to the other three people. "Listen Aunt Anna. Ben and I have to run. Something's come up and there's no way we can get around it. Take Mary Jane home and wait there for us. K?" Peter asked the elder woman.   
  


Anna nodded. "Okay Peter. But please hurry back." Peter nodded.   
  


"Okay." He leaned over kissed Anna on the cheek and then Kissed Mary Jane on lips before running off with Ben, Josh and Evan.   
  


*****************   
  


Peter Parker; Spider Man, Ben Reilly; Spider Man, Spider Girl and Venom, swung through the streets of New York on four weblines, people in the streets bellow looked up in awe, wonder, and confusion. This was a rare and strange sight. Two spider men, a female Spider man, and one of Spider Man's greatest villains all swinging side by side. Heading towards the Daily Bugle.   
  


Josh spotted a Mcdonalds down below and told the others to go on without her. She pulled out a small wallet from her jacket that was a part of her costume and leapt down to the streets below. She entered the Mc Donalds and waited in line. The people that were in there didn't really notice her since it was Halloween and most people were dressed up in costume.   
  


When Josh got to the front of the line she ordered four double Big Mac meals with super sized fries and a drink to go. She waited a few minutes for her fast food to be ready and then left, spinning a web and swinging towards the Bugle.   
  


When she got there, Ben Peter and Evan were already done disposing of the bombs, which Josh had told them the location of. The bombs were in a brown sac and then they threw the bag as high into the air as their Spider strength could allow. The explosion ensued but was harmless considering how high they threw it.   
  


"Who wants lunch?" Josh asked, holding up the McDonalds bags. The four Spider Men sat on the Roof of the Bugle eating their burgers while looking over at the building that was just across the street from them.   
  


"So what happens after this Josh?" Peter asked after swallowing a mouth full of burger.   
  


Josh shrugged and took a sip of her root beer. "I haven't a clue. Mary Jane's Baby is saved, Ben's alive, Stromm and Venom are dead, and now there's four Spider Men in New York. This changes everything. Everything that we do now is going to change the future." Ben nodded his head.   
  


"True. Not to mention the fact that we haven't encountered Norman Osborn yet." everyone nodded. Evan looked confused.   
  


"Does this mean that Peter's not going to become a teacher at his old school?"   
  


Josh nodded. "Maybe. He controls whatever happens to him now. With four Spider Men the world is that much more a safer place." Just then a Pinkish blue light appeared in front of the four people. A girl replaced that energy and then began to fall towards the street below, screaming.   
  


Josh, realizing who it was set her lunch down and leapt after her. She grabbed her around the waist and then spun out a web swinging back up to where the others were. She cradled Kasumi Tendo in her powerful arms and smiled at her. Her mask was rolled up just over her nose so her smile could be seen.   
  


"Josh?" Asked the Japanese girl. Josh nodded.   
  


"You kind of came at a bad time honey. We're trying to take out a major super villain." Kasumi frowned and lightly hit her husband turned wife on the shoulder.   
  


"This super hero thing is silly! Why do you have to wear a costume?"   
  


"Oh come on Kasumi. It's fun, besides I look really cool."   
  


Kasumi sighed. "I can never stay mad at you." Kasumi then leaned forward and Kissed Josh on the lips, despite the fact that he was a girl at the moment.   
  


Just then a voice was heard from in front of them and everyone looked up to see Norman Osborn, in his Green Goblin guise, hovering in front of them on his goblin glider.   
  


"Uh oh that big super villain just showed up. You better use the mirror and go home Kasumi. You shouldn't be around when we start fighting this guy."   
  


Kasumi nodded and after josh set her down she pulled out the mirror and an onion and left in a swirl of blue and pink magical energy.   
  


Josh turned around after Kasumi left and then was promptly grabbed by Osborn and pulled over the side of the building. He held her aloft in his arms and glared at her with hate through the eyes of the goblin. "YOU! HAVE! RUINED! EVERYTHING! You pathetic Spider Man imitation! I had him! I HAD HIM!" Josh was knocked out of the mans hands when Ben jumped over and kicked Norman in the head. Evan then jumped on him and tore of the green goblin mask.   
  


"BRAINSSSS!!" He yelled as he started to claw Norman's face and pummel him. Peter grabbed Evan and threw him at the wall. Evan just stuck there. "Your no fun!"   
  


Peter faced off with Norman. "It's not about them Norman it's not about The Green Goblin and Spider Man." Peter then took off his mask and glared at Norman. "It's always been about Peter Parker and Norman Osborn!!"   
  


Just then Josh jumped in front of Peter. "Shut up with the dramatics Pete. AMAGURIKEN!" Thousands of punches reigned down on Norman's chest and ribs gave an audible cracking. Josh moved her blows up to Norman's face and it caved in from the super powered punch. Norman's goblin glider crashed into the side of the bugle and then he and it fell to the ground. To their DEATH!   
  


*****************   
  


Later Peter, Ben, Josh, and Evan sat in Peter's living room. They were all sitting around the table talking while drinking soda. Except Evan who was downing Beer, after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer after beer. Peter was a little upset with how Josh dealt with Norman but he had reasoned that if he hadn't taken him out quickly than he would've killed Ben.   
  


"So what do you think? Think this city can stand to have four Spider Men?" Josh asked. Pete nodded.   
  


"I think so. But I also think that Spider Girl should be a little less ruthless."   
  


"You YoU kIllErr I'mmm agoonaeat braaaiiinssss!" Evan threw in there. Everyone looked at him stupidly and then he passed out.   
  


Josh shrugged. "Relax I hated Norman Osborn. I don't like his hair. As the great Deadpool once said. And I quote, 'God that HAIR!'" Ben shook his head.   
  


"Waitaminute. The GREAT Deadpool!?!" Josh shrugged again and leaned back in her chair.   
  


"It's another one of those extremely long stories." Ben and Peter nodded their heads in understanding.   
  


Mary Jane then came in with a tray of cookies. "Who want's a cookie?" She asked as she set the tray onto the table.   
  


Evan's body rose from the floor like dracula and he took a handful of cookies and shoved them in his mouth. He then passed out from the alcohol he had consumed again.   
  


"Think we should form a team?" Josh asked. "I mean you know what they say two heads are better than one." Ben smiled and pointed at her.   
  


"But isn't three a crowd?"   
  


Josh frowned. "Tell that to the X-Men." Peter Laughed and then the rest of the people in the room joined in. Except Evan who was...asleep.   
  


"Sure why not? You already know a fair amount of what'll happen in the future. We could use that. Maybe you could teach me that Amakapow thingy." asked Ben.   
  


Josh frowned. "Are you KIDDING me!?! I've only got six months to stay here in this universe. That technique takes years to learn!"   
  


"How long did it take you to learn it?" Peter asked the teenage girl.   
  


"A week but that's not the point. I'm not normal!"   
  


"Who here is?" Ben asked then laughed. No one joined in. He stopped. He looked nervous he played with the buttons on his shirt. "Stop looking at me like that." he said.   
  


Josh took one last guzzle of root beer and waved to them. "Well I gotta go guys. I gotta go tell desiree that I'm Ben's girlfriend and that I'm carrying his love child." Ben stood up and glared at her.   
  


"YOU WOULDN'T!" He yelled. Josh smiled and then ran out the door. Ben ran after her. "GET BACK HERE YOU PUNK ASSED KID!!"Mary Jane smiled as she watched her husband's cousin and his new friend run out the door. She was about to go back into the kitchen and Peter followed her. She suddenly looked pale and then jerked forward a bit.   
  


"Mary Jane? What's wrong?" asked Peter. She looked up at him with worried yet surprisingly happy tear filled eyes.   
  


"My water broke."   
  


*********************   
  


Author's notes: {Ha Ha HA! I sure know how to screw things up! I put the entire revelations thing and shortened it down to a 13 page chapter. Evan's got the symbiote, Norman's dead, Venom's dead, I've got Spider Powers, Mary Jane's is actually going to have the baby, OR IS SHE!!!!? (") Kirby is so fly.(") I've only been here for two days and I've screwed the universe up as much as humanly possible. Kewl eh. Normally I'm against killing but hey these are evil super villains that kill lots of INOCENT people and come back from the dead more times than you can count. So it's really not that big a deal. In the next chapter I get a job, Evan gets a job, and Mysterio doesn't like people with jobs. Or at least he doesn't like there being more than one Spider Man. That's all from me. CHOW! Biyatch!}   
  


Morden Night: anime_morden@crystal-tokyo.com 

  
  


(I'VE GOT THE POWER!!!! Or something. Well I'm drunk again, yes I will be getting a job! BY GOD NO!!!! So yeah, bygodno indeed. Um... What can I say that hasn't been said or would give away the ploty thing in the next chap?... Um... I could say... WHICKITY!!! and that's that. Yeah, so I'm done for now. TA!!)   
  


Agasaki Ishano: agasaki@crystal-tokyo.com 

  
  


(Web page might get updated in the next millennium, so watch for it.) 


	9. MysteryOH!

Check out the NEW Hotbot Tell me when this page is updated 

Self Insertion   
  


This is a self insertion fic. It's pretty much me and my friend get into a Sliders type mix up. Cept we go to worlds like Animes and Cartoons and Movies and other stuff. Both of us are writing it as well so the Genre will fluctuate. Be warned, be afraid, be readin' my story please. And enjoy.   
  


Disclaimer: I don't own nothin! Cept me!   
  


* *: Thoughts   
  


Capital letters: Shouting or loud noises   
  


: Japanese   
  


_ _: Stressed words   
  


{ }: Josh's own thoughts   
  


( ): Evan's own thoughts and location   
  


Chapter 9   
  


Mystery...OH!   
  


An entire week had passed since the pathetic goblin incident. Josh was currently sitting on Ben's living room floor playing tiddly winks topless. She was in female form at the moment and Ben had been gone all day at work. It was Saturday and school was out so she had nothing to do. Evan was out looking for a job for some reason, and there hadn't been any bad guys popping up for a while.   
  


It was like the thought of there being four Spider Men was scaring them into not doing anything bad. Josh felt like she needed to force them to do bad stuff so she wouldn't be bored. "Topless Tiddly Winks is boring when theres no other chicks around." Josh noted to herself. Kasumi had already visited her today and she couldn't visit again until tomorrow. *I'm so bored I could even get a job!* She thought to her self as she crawled across the ceiling for no reason.   
  


Josh bolt upright and dropped to the floor. "THAT'S IT! I'll get a job. Then I won't be bored. She ran out of the apartment and then rushed back in and grabbed a shirt. "Sorry ma'am!"   
  


******************   
  


Evan handed his resume into another establishment. He was getting desperate. Some sort of quiet haze had fallen over New York and there was nothing to do. Now he had lowered himself to getting a job. At least then he would have something go do. He had applied to every establishment he could think of. Evan sighed as he opened the door to the Daily Grind and walked in. He might as well go see Ben. Evan sat down at one of the stools and nodded to Ben who walked up to him while drying out a glass cup.   
  


"Um Ben How exactly would one go about finding a job?" Evan inquired of the Spider powered waiter. "I mean I have handed in my resume to every place in NY. But no is the only answer I've been getting. Not even an interview!"   
  


"What are you doing when you hand in your resume?" Ben asked, slightly nervous.   
  


"Well, I swing in, transform into Venom but larger and pick up the desk clerk and threaten till I get the job. So far I haven't got anything but screams. Oh wait! One of them did fire a gun at me! That was the best of them all!" Evan sarcastically said. 

Ben looked thoughtful for a moment. "Why don't you try going in someplace as yourself and asking politely?" Evan looked confused.   
  


"Sure that could work but I think that being dramatic makes an impression. And what is this politely you speak of?" Evan said with a dead serious tone in his voice. He then laughed. He was unable to hold a serious face for a long time.   
  


Ben sighed. "I still don't know how I got involved with you two. I should have kicked you guys out to fend for yourselves after the Osborn incident." Evan gave Ben puppy dog eyes.   
  


"But then you wouldn't be the ever lovable friendly neighborhood Spider Man."   
  


Ben held out a hand and frowned as he looked around to make sure that nobody had heard. His Spider sense hadn't warned him so he suspected it was okay. "Would you keep it down! You never know who might hear. Walls have ears you know."   
  


Evan laughed "Walls don't have ears!" Evan cracked up, "Hey wall!! Can you hear me with your EARS!!" Evan almost fell off his stool, He instantly straightened himself with the help of an alien and became deadly serious. "Do you think they heard me." A slight smile grew on Evan's face, Ben just groaned.   
  


"Well I'm gonna try your 'polite' method. See you later Guru Ben!" Evan stepped out of the café and headed to an alley to morph. *He has a point there. I probably shouldn't morph all over the place. Well! To the work place!* Evan then turned into Venom and shot out a web line heading in the direction of the school that Josh went to.   
  


Evan arrived at the school and entered the building that was surprisingly open, being that it was a Saturday and all. He morphed his Venom Symbiote into a suit and made himself look much older than he actually was. About fifty or so. He walked into the office and introduced himself to the receptionist, who was old, and female, and ugly, so, so ugly!   
  


"Hello, Maám?" Evan said in confusion trying to find out what it was behind the reception desk of the school. Evan then muttered to himself. "So, so ugly!" He then raised his voice that was now old sounding because of the sybiote. "I'm looking for a job as a teacher, Here's my resume." Evan then handed the piece of paper to the lady? He made DAMN sure not to make skin contact with her. "I could start off by giving a lecture on quantum physics to one of the science classes."   
  


The thing on the other side nodded. "Okay you can come in Monday at 1:00 to give your lecture in room 257."   
  


"Great! Well see you Monday" Evan coughed and then said in a muffled voice "Ugly!"   
  


He walked out the doors of the school and coughed out a few more crude remarks about the beastyness of the receptionist. Evan even went as far as warning another teacher who was entering about the evil beast that had eaten the receptionist.   
  


*********************   
  


Josh swung around the city in her Spider Girl uniform. She had an armful of Resume's that she had made up at the school. She broke in for a few minutes to use the computers and type them up. When she left she saw this old guy telling another teacher about the beastliness of the receptionist. She saw a police officer swerve around the corner down below, chasing after another car. Josh sighed and landed on a rooftop. She then jumped down to the street and landed right in front of the car, which was swerving out of control towards an old lady, with a baby carriage. She put her hands out and stopped the car. The police cars came around and pointed their guns at the driver inside.   
  


"Thank you so much young one." the old lady said to Josh before walking away. Josh slammed the front of the car down to the pavement so that it couldn't go anywhere. The airbag popped out, pinning the perp up against the seat. The cops threw the door open threw the guy in the car to the ground and put the cuffs on him. The one officer walked up to Josh and smiled at her. 

"Hey thanks for the assist. Those articles in the bugle are wrong you know? You're all right." Josh smiled and nodded at the officer, thought he couldn't tell because of the mask.   
  


"No problem." Josh then took one of the resumes from under her arm and handed to the officer. "I'm, looking for a job. Could you hand this in to the station? Super heroes gotta eat too you know?" The officer looked confused but took the resume anyway.   
  


"Uhm OKay." Josh gave a little tool time wave and then shot a web onto a nearby building, swinging off into the distance.   
  


****************   
  


Evan walked into an alley and morphed from his old man in a suit to his Venom form. *Time to fight crime! Or if there is no crime Get some KFC!!!*   
  


Evan jumped up the building wall, shot a web to a nearby high-rise and swung off to the local KFC. *Well, I guess there is no crime.* He thought without even surveying the city.   
  


Evan passed by a bank and was stopped by a loud explosion. *And just as I was about to get to KFC too!* Evan swung down to the bank and took the form of Ben Rielly's costume. "Have no fear citizens!! I! Spider Person will save you!!" He struck a dramatic pose and was struck by an electrical blast that mearly absorbed into his head disk and was converted into more powerful energy that was released across his body, making him look like a Super Saiyan. Evan took advantage of this and morphed into Goku Super Saiyan level two.   
  


"Villain! Step forth and receive thy doom!! He called out as he produced a katana from his costume. "Thou shalt feel the cruel embrace of DEATH!!" the Goku like figure got into a ready kendo pose and awaited his enemy.   
  


The shocker, full with his yellow padded suit stepped out of the wreakage with a large bag of money slung over his right shoulder. He seemed confused and inquired with the Super Saiyan. "Who the HELL are you?"   
  


Goku/Evan responded dramatically. "I! I am the treat in your cereal! The mare to your night! The wrong to your right! Or was the right to your wrong? I never have got that straight. Oh well You sir! Face the TICK!!! Or at least a cheap rip off of him!" Evan fired a level three blast that rid him of the stray energy that had covered his body only seconds ago. He transformed into a menacing version of Darkwing duck, complete with claws and a katana. He lunged at Shocker who had just dodged the blast, Darkwing swung his katana with one hand and stabbed forward with his clawed hand.   
  


Shocker barely dodged the katana but took the claws full to the chest. He began to scream, bleeding all over the place. He looked at his wound and grimaced, "WHY!?! Super heroes don't kill!!" Evan responded by turning into Judge Judy.   
  


"Court Adjourned. YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!" Evan/Judge Judy spun a web line and swung off into the distance singing the theme to Family Guy.   
  


Shocker fell to the ground and felt his life quickly slip away as he watched Evan swing away and heard sirens in the distance.   
  


*********************   
  


The next day Josh picked up a paper on the way to his new job. He was lucky, the police officer who handed in his resume to the chief of police or whoever else ran the show and he was impressed with the record as well as the story of her stopping the car.   
  


Josh always got a good laugh whenever she read the weekly world news, and she was lucky that it was on the way to school. Even the police station was oddly and luckily on the way to school. Josh looked at the cover of the paper and laughed out loud.   
  


On the cover was Judge Judy's head super imposed onto a picture of Spider girl that had been taken by Peter. The title was, IS JUDGE JUDY ACTUALLY SPIDER GIRL!?, Shocking photo evidence!   
  


The subtitle was even better and hilariously enticing. Josh opened the paper while she sat on a park bench. There was a picture of Judge Judy spinning a web into the air and swinging away. Josh stood up, put the paper in his back pocket and continued on his way to the police station.   
  


Josh entered the Chief of Police's office a short time later. He was on the phone at the moment talking to reporters apparently.   
  


"No we have no evidence regarding the Judge Judy/ Spider Girl incident! In FACT!, we have evidence that Spider GIRL isn't even FEMALE!" The chief said as he waved Joshes resume in frustration.   
  


"NO! I'm not saying that Judge Judy is a man!" The chief then slammed the phone down on the receiver. Josh knocked lightly on the door and waited for the man to notice him.   
  


"Can I come in? I'm here for the 4:30 job interview." The chief nodded and motioned for Josh to sit down in the chair across from his desk.   
  


"Have you got any Police training?"   
  


"Nope." Josh said as he sat down.   
  


"Well that might be a problem. But you do have great credentials. The only problem is"   
  


"What?" Josh said beginning to get slightly nervous.   
  


"You don't show up on any citizen checks. By these reports, you technically don't exist." The chief sweated slightly.   
  


"Well I obviously do exist. But I know I don't show up. It's cause I'm from another dimension."   
  


If this was an anime the police chief would have facefaulted. "WHA!! Y-You're an alien or something!"   
  


"No I'm perfectly human, except that I can basically change into a female whenever I want, and that I have Spider powers when I'm a girl. I suggest, good sir, that you give me a job as a detective or something, because I'm three times as powerful as the real Spider man and I can kill you with a flick of my finger. I've killed Venom and The Green Goblin already."   
  


The police chief looked shocked. "You're threatening me!?!" He asked incredulously.   
  


"Josh nodded. "To a degree. We'd both come out on top in the end. You'd get yourself a super powered cop and I'd get a job. You will be the man who cleaned up New York." Josh smiled at the police chief who smiled after thinking about it for a while.   
  


"Okay you've got yourself a job kid. You'll need at least a month of police training before you can get your badge." Josh leaned forward and shook the man's hand.   
  


"Thank you sir. You won't regret it." Josh then left the building and began walking towards Ben's apartment. He shook his head and smiled with a small chuckle. "Heh, Judge Judy."   
  


**************** 

Judge Judy/Evan walked into a KFC and was surrounded by cameras. She smiled briefly before morphing into a Dracoliche (A skeletal Dragon) and scared off all of the press and most of the people in the restaurant. The Dracoliche walked up to the counter and morphed back into Judge Judy with half a Spider Girl costume on. It was tight on her wrinkly flesh and two people barfed the rest left in a hurry, covering their mouths and eyes.   
  


"All the chicken you have! NOW!!" Judge Judy ordered the pimple faced boy at the counter. "And I DON'T want fries! Actually, Fries would be good. And five 2 litre Pepsis." Judge Judy snarled viciously at the cashier. "And it is free! Or your lives will be my money!!! or something along that line."   
  


A few minutes later Judge Judy walked down the street with the giant bucket symbol of KFC filled with fried chicken. She had a satchel of French fries and five Pepsi bottles and held together with intricate strands of webbing and symbiote. She suddenly burst into song, in a high pitched bitchy voice. "ROW!!! ROW!!! ROW!!!! YOURRRRRR!!!!! BOAT!!!!!!" People ran away in fear and disgust of the sonic screams of the television judge.   
  


*This is fun!* A happy feeling in his head confirmed that the symbiote was enjoying it as well. *Well I'm glad we get along Buggy boy!* a sharp pain went off in his head. * Hey Bug face!! I own you!! Oh well, this will make you happy.* Evan tripped an old lady and took a large bite of chicken, the symbiote became ecstatic with glee.   
  


**************   
  


The next day on the news, //-"This just in Judge Judy has rampaged through the city, causing riots and pulling pranks on old people while talking to herself."-\\   
  


***************   
  


Josh sighed as she sat in her science class in room 257. Apparently, they were scheduled to have some old guy lecture them on some sort of complicated scientific stuff. She thought that now would be a good time to sleep. One of her new friends Nikki, who was sitting beside her, looked over at Josh, who was in girl mode at the moment, and smiled.   
  


"Hey! Want to try to sneak out of class? Apparently, it's some old guy giving the lecture. I heard he was mostly blind and half deaf." Josh shrugged.   
  


"Sure why not? Then we could get my wife and all the other girls together and we could have a huge lesbian orgy." Nikki laughed aloud.   
  


"You're hilarious!"   
  


Just then, Evan burst through the door of the class. "I heard the words 'Lesbian, and ORGY! Where's the ACTION!?" Everyone looked up at Evan blankly. Evan smiled sheepishly and then walked to the front of the class; opening a book he had with him. "Uh Hello class! I'm Mr. McNeely. I'll be giving you a lecture on Quantum Physics today." Nikki groaned and Josh slammed her head on the desk, cracking the desk.   
  


Evan frowned and threw an eraser at Nikki's head. It bounced of and he pointed a meter stick at her. "QUANTUM PHYSICS IS IMPORTANT IF YOU WANT TO CROSS OVER DIMENSIONS! LISTEN UP YOU LITTLE SNOT! I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR FIFTY YEARS"   
  


"You're only seventeen." Josh interrupted. A meter stick impacted with her skull a moment later.   
  


"SHUT UP!""PUNK!"   
  


Josh groaned and rubbed her head. *Why the HELL didn't my Spider sense go off!?!* She wondered in her mind. Up in Asgard, Loki laughed his ass off.   
  


"Now, I realize that most of you will have no fricken clue what is coming out of my mouth. I'm guessing a few of you pip squeaks already tuned me out." Three erasers flew through the air, impacting with three students heads, each student had previously been trying to sleep. "Rule one. No sleeping, unless your me. And most of you are not. So NO SLEEPING!!! Rule two. SHUT UP!! Rule Three. SHUT UP!!"   
  


Nikki spoke up, "You said shut up twice." This brought laughter from some of the students.   
  


Evan glared evilly around the room, "You all just broke both rule 2 and 3." Erasers flew in every direction, each impacting painfully, with a students head, all but Joshes, who had remained mostly silent.   
  


Evan continued, "Now then, I have recently noticed that all of you, with the exception of Josh. Are all idiots. Wait, Josh is an idiot to. So you are all equal. Damn! We got a bunch of Communists. Well. This calls for a celebration ya bunch of Ruskies."   
  


Evan then turned around and started writing complex math problems and Quantum energy flux calculations on the board. This continued, along with an extremely boring lecture afterwards, when the class finished everyone filed out of the room. Evan however hit each student in the arm with a meter stick before they left the room except Josh, who glared at Evan when he tried.   
  


Nikki groaned as she walked beside Josh to the cafeteria. "That teacher was smart! But he was a total ASS HOLE!" Josh smirked and took out her wallet so she could pay for lunch.   
  


"You think that was bad!? I have to live with him!" Nikki paused and looked at Josh incredulously.   
  


"Get the shit OUT!"   
  


Josh shook her head. "I ain't lyin I actually live with fucker. It's alright though. He's almost never home and if he pisses me off I can beat the shit outta him. I got lots of time to play topless Tiddly Winks."   
  


Nikki laughed. Josh didn't because her Spider sense went off. She moved out of the way and an eraser sailed towards Nikki. Impacting with her head quite forcefully.   
  


Evan's voice rang out in the halls. "BAD GRAMMER! Chibi."   
  


Josh and Nikki walked towards the Cafeteria and then after purchasing their lunches sat down at a table. "So what are you doing after school?" Nikki asked. Josh leaned back in her chair and scratched her boob.   
  


"I got this freakin, police training thing. I'm gonna be a cop next month."   
  


"A cop? But aren't you a little young to do that?" Nikki asked.   
  


Josh shrugged "Isn't that ball breaking freak show teacher a little young to teach?" She asked her new friend.   
  


Josh moved her head to the side and an eraser impacted with Nikki's head again, knocking her out of her chair and onto the floor.   
  


*********************   
  


Josh left the school alone and walked towards the police station where he was to meet the captain and then take the police training course. Hopefully she did well. Hopefully she would get to use a firearm. She looked left and right and noticed that Evan wasn't around. That was a good thing. She didn't want to have to listen to him talk. It tended to make you stupider when it wasn't about quantum physics.   
  


Just then Josh heard something that made her female cursed form cringe and shudder. "Hey Josh! Want some chicken?" Evan said as he walked up beside her with a bucket of KFC in his hands. 

Josh groaned. "What are you doing here Evan? How did you con your way into lecturing my class?"   
  


Evan looked a little hurt. He wasn't, but he had to put up a front. "I got a teaching job here." Josh dropped to the ground and acted over dramatically.   
  


"Oh GOD! WILL THE PAIN NEVER END!?!" Evan kicked her and then Josh punched him as hard as she could. Evan imbedded into a brick wall and then got out and kept walking beside Josh.   
  


"This symbiote is cool! All I got to do to keep it happy is cause a little mischief once in a while and then I get to survive, normally, life threatening injuries. It heals me pretty fast. I also discovered that since we've already been to an Anime world we're more resistant to pain. Cool eh?" Josh shrugged and pulled out a paper from her knapsack. She handed it to Evan who looked at it then laughed his ass off.   
  


"Judge Judy! That's gold!" Evan became serious, he tapped his fingers together ominously and said, "My plan is working." He formed a symbiote recorder, "Phase one complete. Moving on to phase two." The recorder disappeared and Evan got back to laughing. "So Josh. What do you want to do now? I mean, I'm off work, shocker is dead, I got nothing to do."   
  


Josh stopped and glared at him. "What do you mean Shocker is DEAD!? I told Peter that I wouldn't kill anymore super villains!"   
  


Evan looked inquisitive. "You DID say that didn't you? BUT!!!!! You didn't say that I couldn't."   
  


"But if you kill off all of the villains then..."   
  


Evan cut Josh off. "Peter and Ben can get on to a normal life. I figure it's the nicest thing I can do for them. I will take villain blood on my hands. I don't like it but someone has to do it. And if the vile villains are allowed to grow and pulsate with evil evilness! Who will stop them!?! I ask you!!! WHO!?!?!"   
  


Josh looked angry. "But if there's no villains then we won't have anything to do!!" Evan looked shocked.   
  


"I'm out of chicken! Besides, I'll leave Mysterio and Electro. Maybe Doc. Ock. I never did like him, but he is a man of science and I respect that... homie."   
  


Josh groaned. Evan was in full stupid idiot mode now. There was no stopping him now. It was almost contagious. He saw a young kid walking down the street repeating the word 'homie' over and over again after hearing Evan say it.   
  


"Listen Evan." Josh said "I'm going over to Peter's house to see the baby before I go to the police station. Do...you want to come?"   
  


Evan nodded, "Sure, I have not seen the child in the comic books. It would be intriguing." Evan said attempting to rectify Josh's grammar.   
  


Josh and Evan changed into their costumes in a nearby alley and jumped to the rooftops. They spun their webs and headed towards Peter Parker's house.   
  


******************   
  


Josh opened up the window to Peter's house and called inside. "YABBA DABA DOOOO!!!" Evan followed in after her and called out his own greeting.   
  


"Um, hi. WHICKITY!!!!" He swung in to the house and almost knocked over some furniture, "Sorry about the almost accident, and sorry if I make one if I get drunk."   
  


Josh and Evan walked into the hallway of the house and walked straight into Peter's Aunt Anna. She looked at Venom and Spider Girl and then screamed. Peter Parker and Mary Jane hurried up the stairs after hearing Anna and saw Spider Girl and Venom scrambling to get away from the woman. They were both clinging to the ceiling and running around in circles.   
  


"AHHH!!!! AUNT ANNA WITH A SHOTGUN!!!!!.... Wait a second! She doesn't have a shotgun." Evan dropped to the floor and splatted then formed into Evan standing upright.   
  


Josh landed right beside him and then just stood there. "I'm terribly sorry for intruding on you like this Aunt Anna!" Josh said trying to calm the woman down. Peter and Mary Jane came up beside the woman and held her by the shoulders. "I was just over here to see the baby I had no idea you were here."   
  


"What do you want with Mary's baby!?" Anna asked accusingly.   
  


"I'm just visiting! Jeez! You'd think that people were paranoid around here or something the way you carry on."   
  


"Josh!" Peter said angrilly. Josh threw her hands in the air.   
  


"ALRIGHT! Fine, sorry! I'll go change." Josh then walked down the hall and entered the bathroom.   
  


"W...What's going on?" Asked aunt Anna scared. "Who is that girl? And that boy who turns into a monster."   
  


Peter sweated. How was he going to explain this?   
  


"Um, Hi. I'm Evan. And the girl is Josh, who is actually a boy. If you wouldn't mind hearing me out I could make us a cup of tea and we could chat." Evan suggested to the elderly woman. "Cause seeing how you are Peter's aunt you'll believe this no sweat!"   
  


"What's that supposed to mean?" Anna asked Peter.   
  


*Oh! She doesn't know about Peter's Spidey side.* Evan composed himself. "Just cause he is the one who takes all the Spidey pictures and all. I thought you might have grown accustomed to the strange stuff."   
  


Peter breathed a sigh of relief and Evan wiped his sweating brow.   
  


Anna seemed to buy the excuse. "Well I suppose I could do with a cup of tea. And your story should be interesting."   
  


Evan walked up to the kind old lady and put a arm gently around her shoulder, "Do you know how to play Yuker?" He asked as they headed off to the kitchen to have a cup of tea.   
  


A few minutes later Josh stepped out of the bathroom as a male. "Um, where did aunt Anna go?" He said to the shocked couple. Peter and Mary Jane pointed to the kitchen in unison.   
  


Josh seemed confused for a second then asked "So can I see the baby?"   
  


********************   
  


Evan and aunt Anna sat around the kitchen table playing Yuker, sipping tea. Anna played her last card and gathered up the stack. "So tell me you story young man."   
  


Evan faltered for a bit. "Well where should I start. My life was normal till one day in the computer lab at school when Josh found some magic spell on the net."   
  


Anna seemed confused. "So Josh got you into this?" 

Evan shrugged, "I never thought of it that way. But yeah, I guess so. Um, after that we went into some weird universe that was based around this anime character named Ranma. Ranma has the same curse Josh has because of these weird springs that people drowned in a long time ago."   
  


Anna interjected, "Your going a bit fast for me, but I heard you say Anime, that's one of those Japanese things right?"   
  


Evan nodded and Anna smiled. "Yeah, so we went there and I began learning complicated stuff in the blink of an eye, Like I can speak Japanese and calculate the exact distance between this universe and the next."   
  


Anna seemed confused and asked "So you gained an ability to learn things quicker than normal people could."   
  


"Yeah. Again I never thought of it that way, I mean I've always been able to pick up languages quick, but Quantum Physics takes lifetimes. So yeah, I've got that going for me. Um, I can charge ions into condensed electrostatic fields and project them at high velocities."   
  


Anna grew more and more confused. "Slow down there Evan. I'm an old lady you know." She began to laugh and Evan joined in. "Now, in laymen's terms."   
  


"I shoot bolts of lightning out of my hands. And recently I got this alien suit called a symbiote from one of Spider Man's most deadly foes. Venom. The symbiote is what I was wearing when I crawled around on the ceiling. And sorry about the shotgun remark. I was kind of scared." Evan offered his apology.   
  


Anna laughed out loud. "Ohh that is priceless! A big bad super hero scared of a little old lady. Oh this is great fun! Peter's got the strangest friends."   
  


Evan rubbed the back of his head in a very anime like way and commented. "Yeah well, what can you do?" Evan sipped some more tea. "So that's basically my story. Know how to play Poker Geezer?"   
  


"Do I!" Anna said picking up the cards and shuffling them.   
  


Later on Peter, Mary Jane, and Josh in female form came downstairs after seeing the baby. Josh and Peter's Spider Senses went off and they looked up. Evan and Aunt Anna were sitting at the table playing cards. A pile of clothes sat in the corner of the kitchen and all the new comers averted their poor eyes.   
  


"Come on junior! Drop your drawers! I win and that's all you got left!" Evan whined.   
  


"COME ON! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!? I'M BROKE AND DON'T HAVE ANY CLOTHES! JOSH HELP ME!" Evan said as a single tear streamed down his cheek. Ann had a huge pile of money and IOU's and was smiling.   
  


"You call yourself a super hero."   
  


Josh ran away. "I better get to my Police training. BYE!" With that he ran out the door.   
  


Anna looked over to Peter and smiled. "Does Captain America play poker Peter?" She asked with a little bit of a lecherous grin.   
  


"STOP HER! She's turned into some sort of HAPPOSAI! She'll take over the world." Evan then started crying. "She grabbed me. It was all wrinkly."   
  


Peter and Mary Jane ran up the stairs.   
  


*****************   
  


The next week in Evan's science class. "OK! I realize that I will be having you kids for the rest of the year." Everyone groaned. Evan barely restrained himself from tossing erasers. "Ok, I have decided to go easy on you and try to even win a few of you over to the side of knowledge, away from your punk assed Rap and into the golden age that is PUNK ROCK! Now I find that music helps me concentrate. So I brought in a specialized stereo system. I will be allowing you kids to bring in a cd a day. But seeing how you are Communists, you all have to agree on it. And of course, I do to. So, I want a show of hands on who agrees with my idea." Hands shot up all over the class. "Good, the Communists have spoken. Oh yeah, and any drop outs will be hunted down and probably bombarded with erasers. Now on to the lessons. I have here." Evan lugged out a large animeish gun. "This is a heavyarms custom machine gun. It is loaded with rubber bullets cause the rest of the teachers didn't like me bringing in anti tank bullets. Might hurt someone or some crap like that." This brought some laughter. Evan looked serious.   
  


"I WILL fire this weapon! Don't push me!" The class went silent and pale. "Just kidding!... Or am I?" The class remained silent and grew paler. Josh was the only exception and she was currently eating a banana. She got out of her seat and threw the peel in the garbage. Evan ignored her. "Well I guess Josh-chan is a Capitalist pig! Communists and Capitalists do not get along miss VanHa... Deen."   
  


Josh glared at him. "My name is Joanna! And you know that if you do anything to me during school then I'll beat you real bad when we get home." Evan shut up and continued to teach the class. Josh actually found Evan to be a fairly good teacher, compaired to the rest and actually listened to the lesson.   
  


"Now then! You all might be wondering why I had this gun brought in. I want to calculate the trajectory of the bullets. Can I get a volunteer. Miss VanDeen!" Evan said ignoring the rest of the class, "Who's the girl sitting next to you?"   
  


Josh pointed to Nikki and Evan nodded. "Her names Nikki." Evan turned his back to the class and cocked the weapon.   
  


"Please come to the front of the class...Nikki." He said. Nikki grew as pale as a bed sheet and began sweating profusely.   
  


"Anytime now Nikki. You know I had a girlfriend named Nikki, I don't really consider her a girlfriend anymore, It was kind of a problem I will be putting on your exams. All about dimensions and such." Nikki finally made her way up to Evan and tapped him on the shoulder. Evan spun around with an evil look on his face. "You shall be first!... to try the weapon that is." He handed the large weapon to the young girl. She grasped it easily and found that it was actually quite light.   
  


Evan pulled a device out from his desk and set it up on top of it. "Class I've created this device and it is ten times more potent than any police radar gun, only it doesn't cause Cancer it causes random genetic mutations. So it's never to be pointed at anything living. It will calculate the trajectory and speed of the bullet as it careens towards me." He walked over to the other side of the room and looked at Nikki. "You can shoot me now. This is your chance to get back at me for homework or a bad mark on that test last Tuesday."   
  


Nikki seemed willing to oblige and opened fire on the young professor. Each bullet either whizzed by him or impacted and seemingly passed through him but did not exit on the other side. The teenage girl had a maniacal grin on her face and then shot the large weapon again. Evan stopped the device on his desk and walked around the desk towards Nikki. He grabbed the gun from the girl and put it back behind the desk.   
  


"Now class. Who else would like to try?" Every student in the class put their hand in the air.   
  


******************   
  


Josh walked home by herself that day. Nikki had to stay after school for some odd reason. She didn't really care all that much though. The girl was boring and never wanted to play strip tidily winks. Josh walked into an alley and was about to change into her costume when she felt an odd presence. She looked towards a brick wall and where she felt the presence. She could feel something from the other side of the wall but she sensed that there wasn't even a wall there.   
  


Josh stepped forward and touched the wall cautiously with her hand, but her hand passed through the wall as if it wasn't there. She then stuck her head through and noticed that there was some sort of passageway leading down. "HELLOOOO!?" Josh called into the passageway. Nobody answered so Josh decided to enter and see what was down there. Her curiosity got the best of her once again.   
  


Josh's Spider Sense went off just then, but it was too late. She had not been paying too much attention and had walked right through a laser trip wire. Some sort of siren went off in the distance. A huge mechanical CLANG sounded off behind her and she sweated a little.   
  


"Don't tell me. There's some sort of big robot behind me." Josh then jumped out of the way thanks to her Spider Sense, and dodged a huge fist that slammed onto the ground where she had once been standing. She jumped down the hallway and landed gracefully in a crouching position. She almost fell on her face laughing when she saw the thing clearly. It was some sort of giant Big headed Spider Man robot. It looked Chibi. "I thought that all of Mysterio's big headed Spidey Robots were destroyed or something."   
  


Josh then dodged three more robots that were just modeled after robots. "She shrugged in mid leap and landed on the wall to the vast hallway she and the bots were in. "Learn something everyday."   
  


One of the traditional robots crashed towards the wall at a break neck speed, Josh easily dodged this and landed in the middle of the robots. Josh rolled forward at the Spidey robot, whose sensors were not fast enough to track the super speed of Josh. Josh merely kicked the feet out from under it and directed it's fall onto the smaller spider shaped robots.   
  


The big robot tried to get up but Josh jumped onto the ceiling above it and shot a chi blast at it's back. It tore through the metal, gears, and circuitry, destroying the over sized Chibi Spider Man. The other two Spider robots were intact though and jumped through the hole Josh made and leapt towards the boy. Josh grabbed one just as it tried to shoot her with some poison stuff and swung it at the other one before it could reach her. It knocked it into a wall and broke through.   
  


Josh noticed that her swing killed both robots and shrugged. She then decided to change into her costume, before she continued on to find whoever, or whatever was in this secret lair. Though she was already pretty sure that it was Mysterio. She took off her clothes and then pulled her costume out of her bag.   
  


***************   
  


Mysterio sat in his super secret lair, which Josh-chan had easily broken into. He glanced evilly at the screen through his helmet and mused to himself. *So there are more than one Spider powered hero in the city, this will hamper my plans.* He looked into the screen with hate, remembering what Spider Man had done to him so long ago. *I will have revenge on that Spider! And I will start with his accomplice.* Suddenly he jerked away from the screen. *H-He's a...girl!! And what a girl!!* Mysterio was getting the show of his life through the television screen as Josh began changing into her Spider Girl costume. *I-I...* Mysterio began to have his mind slowed by the changing Spider Girl. *Maybe I'll just take her captive...* Josh finished with Her costume and Mysterio continued to stare at the screen with lust in his mind, so much lust that I'm not even going to write what he's thinking. He just kept staring, even as Josh entered the lair and began rooting around for the culprit himself.   
  


******************   
  


Josh walked into a room and noticed that there were several doors. And they were numbered. "Hmmm seems like Mysterio had this all planned out for somebody. More than likely one of them is the real one and the rest are booby trapped. More than likely I should get therapy for talking to myself." Josh decided that just getting ready to open the doors would trigger her Spider Sense and she'd know which one was the right one.   
  


Josh took one step forward and then one of the doors opened on it's own. She walked towards it and her Spider sense didn't go off so she shrugged and entered the door. It closed behind her and locked but she still didn't sense any danger.   
  


She noticed that it was only a small hallway and it just went straight to another door. She walked towards it cautiously and then opened it. She saw Mysterio sitting at a table. Two places were set out and there were candles all over the place. A huge chicken dinner sat on the table with large plates on either side of the table.   
  


Mysterio gesture to the seat on the other side of the large table and Josh reluctantly sat down after making sure that there were no booby traps on it.   
  


"You may take off your mask girl. I have already seen your face." Josh did so and glared at the villain.   
  


"Yeah! I'll bet you saw a lot more too haven't you?" Mysterio blushed under his mirror dome helmet. He took it off after a moment and set it down beside him.   
  


"Yes and I apologize for that. But this is my secret lair and I keep tabs on all that goes on around the area. You under stand that it is for safety reasons. I am not really in favor of the law."   
  


Josh groaned. "That's why this establishment is right by a highschool isn't it? I'll bet you just love the young girlies eh?" Mysterio blushed again.   
  


"I haven't thought of that."   
  


Josh shrugged and took a bite of the plate of chicken in front of her. "Why don't you just get a job as a movie special effects guy? You got all this cool stuff so why not use it for a good cause? I'd like to see what kind of movies you could make up."   
  


"Really?" Mysterio asked.   
  


Josh nodded as she took a huge bite of chicken. "Yeah! That'd be hella cool! I'd gladly act in one for you if you needed. With my spider powers and Spider Sense and all you wouldn't need stunt men." Mysterio put his hand on his chin thoughtfully.   
  


"That's a good point but the money isn't all that great."   
  


Josh shrugged and downed a glass of juice. He had wine but josh didn't like alcohol and noticed that there was fruit juice. "So? Everyone starts off small. I live in a ratty apartment with two guys and don't even have a job. I"m working my way up like everyone else. I plan to get a couple kids someday, a nice house a steady job and a white picket fence. Actually scratch the fence that could be dangerous."   
  


Mysterio thought about this. Nobody had ever explained it to him like that. Those psychiatrist were all full of self righteous CRAP! This girl had enlightened him in so many ways and he'd only known her for a few minutes. Josh wiped her mouth on her sleeve and stood up.   
  


"Thanks for the grub Sterio. I'll be on my way. I got job training soon I don't want to be late." Mysterio looked at the table and noticed that all of the food was gone. The only thing that was left was the alcohol. He looked up but Josh was already gone.   
  


"DAMN!" Mysterio said to himself. *I was going to get her drunk and seduce her. Oh well.*   
  


***************   
  


Evan stretched back in one of the deserted chairs of the Fan Four building which he had claimed for his own, though most of it was gone, it was still his hideaway. He threw some sketches onto the table in front of him. *Damn universal relativity!! Got to make this to get back in the good books with Kas and Josh! This may mean stopping drinking! Ahh, I don't think I'll go that far, I'll only drink on occasion...* Evan materialized a text book from the atoms of it's destroyed self. *Astro Physics, Relativity. Well, my ionizers may just be the greatest invention of all time.* Evan flipped through the book and got back to his sketches, materialized some metal sheets from the wreckage. Then set off to work, creating any materials or tools that he might need for the job. After about ten minutes he had finished. *This is great, now to build it's counter part.* Evan built a slightly smaller version of the first and held them both up to the light to inspect them, with the help of the symbiote. The first was a telephone like machine with a black screen where the buttons should have been. The second looked more like a cellular phone with the same black screen. Both phones had a frequency setter and an on and off button. Evan had made sure that these machines would last for eons and had placed a miniature nucular reactor inside of the machines. *They are done.* A slight tingle in his head confirmed that there were no leaks in the devices, now all Evan had to do was find Josh and hope that Kasumi would stop by.   
  


*******************   
  


Authors notes {I'm a cool person. I'm getting rid of all of the villains here one way or another. The next chapter will kind of delve into some other Marvel people that aren't related to Spidey. I'm also gonna complete my training and become a cop. I'll rid our schools of drugs and look cool. I'll get pepper spray too. That would be good on steak. I already have an idea of what Evan made. I won't give it away though. If I don't tell you anything than you wont know anything [insert subliminal message here] I'll also do some cool shyte with the X-men. Maybe, the Fan Four will come in as well, maybe. I won't be killing any more bad guys unless they really get on my nerves. Meh. Here's the unlogical word of Evan.}   
  


Morden Night: anime_morden@crystal-tokyo.com 

  
  


(Aunt anna is my friend. Um... No she is evil!! PURE EVIL!!! She is Pant Man incarnate!!!... I'm scared....)   
  


{There's a pant thief to every universe.}   
  


(AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Josh-chan!!! YOU ARE EVIL!!! If you make Captain America steal my pants you will die [looks at Josh evilly] [Josh laughs at Evan and steals the keyboard.]   
  


{Sucks that I'm the DM in this story don't it?}   
  


(I will have my revenge.... [broods in a corner][Punches Evan][screams like a girl] Ok, the weird thing is, we actually did these actions that have been typed in our lovely square brackets.) [Hits Evan harder and then he makes a squeaking sound of some sort]   
  


Agasaki Ishano: Agasaki@crystal-tokyo.com 

  
  



	10. A Friend And An Accomplice

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Self Insertion   
  


This is a self insertion fic. It's pretty much me and my friend get into a Sliders type mix up. Cept we go to worlds like Animes and Cartoons and Movies and other stuff. Both of us are writing it as well so the Genre will fluctuate. Be warned, be afraid, be readin' my story please. And enjoy.   
  


Disclaimer: I don't own nothin! Cept me!   
  


* *: Thoughts   
  


Capital letters: Shouting or loud noises   
  


: Japanese   
  


_ _: Stressed words   
  


{ }: Josh's own thoughts   
  


( ): Evan's own thoughts and location   
  


Chapter 10   
  


A Friend And An Accomplice   
  


Evan swung through the city, wearing the guise of Judy Judy/Spider Girl. He decided that this form was utterly disgusting and decided that he should become a strange version of Spider man, one that was crossed with a pig. He landed on the street and was instantly surrounded by press screaming at him with comments like. "Are you one of the new Spider Men that have been appearing around the city?" and "Do you know Judge Judy?" Evan snorted and turned took off his costume and became very much like P-chan. He squeeled and ran between the presses legs and called out, "I AM PETER PORKER!!!! LEAVE SPIDER PIG ALONE!!!" The press stopped in their tracks and would have facefaulted if it was possible in this universe.   
  


"Did the pig just talk?" Was the question that rambled through all of their minds.   
  


In the distance Evan morphed into his favorite hero of all time, and in no time The Blue justice that was the Tick was gracefully smashing across rooftops in an attempt to find Josh.   
  


******************   
  


Josh passed by a radio shack on the way to the Police station and noticed that there was a picture of the Tick on the T.V. It was live action and josh just walked by it. "I didn't know that they had that show in this universe." Josh walked down the street and noticed the Police station coming up. She ducked into a nearby alley and changed into Spider Girl. She then continued walking towards the police station. She entered and walked up to the police chief. Who was in his office.   
  


"Where do I go for my training sir?" Josh asked the old man. The man looked at Josh and looked confused.   
  


"I thought you were a man." the police chief said as he set down his pen. Josh just shrugged. "Well head down the hall to the left and follow the signs that say, gymnasium till you get there." He stated and shook his head, trying in vain to get around the fact that Josh was now a girl.   
  


"Thanks." Josh walked out of the office and made her way to the gym without any problems.   
  


When she entered the Gym she noticed that here were quite a few police officer s there and even more police trainees she smiled under her mask. She was now going to be able to fight crime legally. She might even get a gun. "Coool!" She didn't like guns that much but she thought it would be cool to play with one for a bit. She wouldn't use it unless she wanted to. She wouldn't normally want to either. Her fists were more painful and powerful than any weapon. Due to her martial arts training.   
  


One of the drill sergeants that was in the gymnasium looked over to Josh and faltered in his training. "What the hell?" He murmured to himself before marching over to Josh with a slightly annoyed look on his face.   
  


"You new recruits can be strange." He stated addressing the group he had been training before hand, "But you. You just take the cake!" This brought some laughs from the trainees and trainers, Josh just looked calmly at what was happening in the Gym.   
  


"So what's first?" She asked nonchalantly.   
  


The officer stared blankly at Josh. "Wha! First you should get out of that get-up, and into some training clothes like the rest of us." He motioned to the group behind us who where starting to gather around.   
  


"Ok. Can I have some training clothes then?" Josh said.   
  


"Um, sure. In the change room there should be a pair waiting for you if you are to be here." The instructor said,   
  


Josh thanked the instructor and headed to the change room to get into the training clothes. She came back a moment later in a baggy training uniform, overtop of her Spider Girl costume. The instructor was little miffed.   
  


"I told you to get rid of that damn clown suit!" The sergeant said.   
  


Josh just walked over and stood with the other new recruits. "I'm a super hero. Unlike normal people we have secret identities." She said.   
  


"Well then show us the woman under the mask! What's your name and what do you look like?" He asked. Josh just put up a single pointer finger in the air in front of her.   
  


"That...is a secret!" The sergeant frowned and decided that ignoring the Spider powered person was for the best. She was already getting on his nerves. He was sure that she wouldn't make it through this course anyway. She wasn't a super hero. Or that was what he thought.   
  


*****************   
  


The Tick bounded towards the police station that was only a few meters in front of him. This action caused a slight bit of damage to the front of the building. Tick stepped into the building through the hole he had recently made, waved his hands around each other and miraculously repaired the wall. He turned to the desk clerk and said, "Excuse me good sir."   
  


The desk clerk was a woman and just sat there not looking at him, she was busy filing her nails. "You're excused ma'am." She said sarcastically.   
  


"Why thank you! So I can go into this office of all that is just?"   
  


The clerk shrugged slightly. "It's your ass."   
  


Evan looked down towards his ass and then motioned towards her with his elbow. "And it's a nice one isn't it? Well thank you for all your help gate keeper of the temple of JUSTICE!!" Tick bounded into the hallways of the police building and instantly turned into a small boy, who looked very lost.   
  


He wandered around whimpering every once and a while, attempting to get attention. He finally got a Female officer to stop and crouch down to see what was wrong. "Can I help you little boy?" She asked kindly.   
  


Evan whimpered and responded in a very little kid voice, "My daddy is a policey man, he saided he would be back from his trainy stuff. B-But he never came!!" Evan broke down into tears and was comforted by the officer.   
  


"There there little boy. I'll help you find your daddy."   
  


Evan smiled evilly for a second and then got back to sniffling and whining.   
  


****************   
  


Josh smiled as she just hopped over the twenty foot high wall in the back of the police station. She was surprised that they had such an extensive training program. They had everything they needed right here. The sergeant in charge of the training was furious. Josh was treating the training like a game. He just hopped over everything and made it seem forty times easier than it truly was. He was really miffed when he found out that the young girl really did have super powers. Just then a booming voice came from the doors to the back of the police station.   
  


"JOOOSSH! I've got a PRESENT FOR YOUUU!!" Came the voice. Josh turned around to see who it was and noticed that it was...the Tick.   
  


"What...the...HELL!?" Josh said unbelievably. Was that...EVAN!!!!!!! josh turned her head away from him hoping that she would blend in with the rest of the officers, but her red spandex suit gave her away. The big blue muscled form of the Tick swooped her up in his arms and swung her around.   
  


"JOSH-CHAN!! My ally of JUSTICE!!! I'VE GOT A PRESENT!!!!"   
  


"OH GOD LET ME DIIIEEE!!" Josh screamed as Evan hugged her. It was really gross having affection come from her friend. He was too...dumb.   
  


Evan transmorphed into Kasumi and hugged harder. "I've got a way for you to talk to ME... or at least the real me... Oh you know what I mean! It's this inter dimensional television communicator... thingy. I made a while ago and thought you could use it!"   
  


Josh broke free of Evan's Spider hug and began to pummel him to the ground evan though he looked like Kasumi. "DON'T YOU EVER TAKE KASUMI'S FORM AGAIN!! I DON'T CARE HOW FUNNY YOU THINK IT IS!" Josh then threw Evan to the ground and booted him away about ten yards with a hoof to the gut.   
  


Evan landed on his feet due to the lovely symbiote. "You know, If I didn't have an alien attached to me, That could have really hurt. And um, sorry about the Kasumi thing." Evan morphed into chief Wiggem from the Simpsons. "I LIKE DOHNUTSS!!" He screamed as he ran around in circles with his belly waving like the Atlantic ocean. "So, do you accept my appology?" He continued to run, and began mocking the drill instructor.   
  


Josh shrugged. "Sure why not. I made friends with Mysterio this morning. Why can't I make up with my kidnapper?" She said.   
  


Evan morphed into Mysterio, only he had a fish bowl on his head. "You made friends with the master of mysteries!?! I knew he was cool, but now I'm doubting his evilousity." Evan stated as he did a hand stand and a fish fell out of his head and began flopping on the ground.   
  


Josh shrugged. "I'd rather turn him to the good side than have to fight him. It'd be like tripping on acid. Besides he's gonna become a movie director or something. Then we'd be able to watch hella cool movies."   
  


Evan looked thoughtful. "That's a pretty good point."   
  


"ARE YOU TWO IDIOTS DONE YET!?!" Screamed the sergeant at the two super heroes, in anger. He was getting tired of the big one changing into random people. It was annoying like a teletuby   
  


Evan morphed into normal Evan and turned to the sergeant. "Um, just so you know I had my IQ checked. I'm one of the highest in this universe. But I guess I still fall under the category of idiot, So! I'm going to leave and prepare tomorrow's lesson! Bye Josh!" Evan then turned into Venom and flew away.   
  


"Since when could he fly?" Josh mused.   
  


*****************   
  


Josh groaned as he walked into Ben's apartment. She had changed out of her Spider costume and lay on the couch. She was tired. She had science homework to do and that sergeant was a dick. He was a real ass hole. Josh decided that she'd like to go to sleep right now. Screw the homework. She then sat up as she heard something in the kitchen. She got up and walked over there to see what it was.   
  


Ben Franklin greeted the youth and began speaking Japanese, "Hi Josh! I'm just touching up tomorrow's lesson! Thought I might be enlightened if I was Ben Franklin, So far no luck."   
  


Josh frowned at the boy. "You're an idiot. Why do you feel the need to make the symbiote change your shape all the time? You also change into the stupidest things. JUDGE JUDY? FOR GOD SAKES WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?"   
  


"Oh you saw that?" Evan inquired. "Well I discovered that Eddie Brock was a pussy and was afraid to bring out the full potential of the alien creature that was bonded to him. So I'm putting it to good use."   
  


"Judge Judy is not good use, fool." Josh smacked Ben Franklin upside the head and he fell off the chair.   
  


"Josh. Judge Judy is a bad person. She needed to be blamed for something that would devastate her career, maybe even her life. I think it was necessary. And have you finished your homework? Cause I'm bored and wouldn't mind doing it." Evan melted off the floor and into his normal form, again sitting on the chair.   
  


"Yeah, you can do my math too, and my English, and social studies. Kay? I'ma gonna go to bed." Josh then left the kitchen and fell asleep quickly on the couch.   
  


"He didn't do his Social studies? Man he is LAZY! Oh well, I'll do the math and English but Social studies! He goes to far!" Evan got to work on the math and was done in a minute. He completed his own homework that he had assigned in less time. The English took him a half hour, the Social Studies kept him up all night because he decided to read the entire social studies text book as well. He learned a lot though. He could now speak in Shakespearian perfectly, and was good enough to con anyone into scoring with him just by talking.   
  


*************   
  


Evan forgot the social studies stuff the next morning for some reason. [Loki laughed again]   
  


***************   
  


Evan walked to the front of the class that he had grown so accustomed to over the last week and a day. He looked around the class and realised that every student was here. He checked down the list and was amazed, *I thought they would have all dropped out of my class by now! Geez! What will it take to discourage these people!* He stepped up to his chalkboard and jotted down formulae involving everything from universal relativity to the simplest electricity formula. He turned around and noticed that all the students were actually writing. *HOLY CRAP! THEY CAN LEARN!!* He mused to himself. *I may be able to save their brains from the rot of crappy politicians and the likes, I AM SUPER TEACHER* He pumped his arms in the air, drawing some attention from the class. 

Evan blushed slightly embarrassed and then threw an eraser at Nikki's head. She had several lumps on her head already from being in Evan's class and was knocked unconscious. "Hmm I need a new eraser target, student." Evan said. He pointed to a scrawny geek and smiled evilly. "You, Cory Cowie, with the cross eyes. Your new name is rat ass." Evan then whipped an eraser at the kids head and he fell on the floor.   
  


"Ten points." Josh muttered.   
  


"Thanks for keeping score Joanna! You are the new score keeper of the rat ass eraser toss event."   
  


"Nikki had four thousand and eighty one try to top it." Josh said.   
  


"NO DON'T!!" Rat ass called out whiny like from the floor. Evan then threw four erasers at him in succession.   
  


Each impacted with a large amount of force. Evan turned as though nothing had happened and returned to teaching. "Do you all know why I wrote these formulae on the board?" Evan looked around and didn't see a hand in the air. Cory Cowie, or Rat ass was just crawling up into his chair and Evan pointed to him. "Do you know?... the muffin man? Or what I just wrote on the board? Or were you paying attention? Thinking your so great! Just because you've got the place on the floor doesn't make you better than the rest of us! We are all Communists here! EQUAL DAMN IT!! EQUAL!!!" Evan didn't even wait for an answer and hurled a barrage of erasers at the youth. Rat ass fell dramatically, keeping one hand in the air to signal surrender, Evan just pelted his hand with another eraser.   
  


"That was only a five. You can do better." Josh noted.   
  


Evan hung his head in falsified shame, "I know, I know." He blasted Rat ass with another pile of erasers, and turned to the class. "Does anyone else know why in God's name I put the equations on the board?"   
  


Everyone put their hands in the air.   
  


"Much better." Evan said.   
  


Evan selected Josh from the back and nodded to her. "Joanna. Do tell me why I put this on the board."   
  


"Cause your the teacher."   
  


"Correct! That and no absolute reason in particular! The whole note was pointless!! But on the up side, all of you can now calculate the electrical flow between two universes!"   
  


****************   
  


Josh smiled as she led Venom into the lair of Mysterio. He had asked her to show him where it was and Josh told him it would be alright if he came along. They had to change into super hero modes before entering though.   
  


"So, the wall is completely fake? Cool!!" Evan waved his hand through the wall a few times before following Josh, "And what did you think of my lecture today? Was that useless or what!"   
  


Spider Girl shrugged as she and Venom walked through the large halls. "It was boring as usual. Your a bad influence on other teachers. They all started throwing erasers at the students." Josh paused for a moment and then a blueish pink magical aura appeared in front of them. "Hey Kasumi's here."   
  


"Perfect!" Two devices emerged from Venom's side and he tossed the smaller of the two to Spider Girl and got ready to hand the larger one to Kasumi.   
  


Kasumi appeared and then hugged Josh. She pulled up the Spider Girl mask and planted a kiss on her Husband turned wife. "Hello, husband." Kasumi said in English. It was broken but not to bad for a few weeks of learning.   
  


"There's no need to talk in English Kasumi." Evan then handed the larger device to Kasumi. It was a little heavy since it was the size of a small TV and she nearly dropped it. Evan then decided to explain how they worked.   
  


"I want you to have this Kasumi. It's the most effective way to talk to Josh. I won't waste your precious time with your husband so I've included an in depth manual in Japanese and English along with plans if it breaks down. But it is basically indestructible so there probably won't be a need for it. It's like a tv telephone that spans universes without delay. So you to can talk at any time, just press the red button and presto! Instant Josh on screen." Evan smiled and stepped back to allow the lovers to continue as he stood back and thought up some way to better the devices.   
  


Just then a metal CLANG was heard behind them. Josh nearly big sweated as she turned around. There was five killer robot things behind them. They were just staying stationary and Evan and Josh got into defensive stances in front of Kasumi. "What's going on!?" Josh wondered out loud. "I thought that we'd already been through this!"   
  


Mysterio then appeared right in front of the robots. "That was before you BROKE MY HEART!"   
  


"Oh God, It's Kuno!" Then Evan stepped up to Mysterio. "Ok, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!!!" Evan used the stretching capabilities of the symbiote to enlarge his face and mouth to look more animeish.   
  


Mysterio put on the dramatics big time. "That temptress had duped me into thinking that we could have a future together!" He said. "I watched her get naked and now I see her with another woman! Oh the pain!" Evan used to think Mysterio was cool but this was too much. He was acting like he was poisoned by the Kuno disease or something.   
  


"Man is Pervert!" Kasumi said. Josh mock glared at her.   
  


"Have you been hanging around Akane too much?" He asked. Kasumi shrugged and glared at Mysterio.   
  


"Great! All your wife needs is a hammer and we could smoke this guy!"   
  


"Why don't you make one with your symbiote or something for her?" Evan shrugged and did so, ordering the symbiote strand to do whatever Kasumi told it to. The moment the symbiote touched Kasumi's skin however it was consumed by an aura of kindness and love. Making it a pansy.   
  


*Oh GOD! It feels like a part of me went GAY!!!* Evan shuttered and tried to shake off the horrid feeling of love towards Josh.   
  


Evan attacked one of the robots behind Mysterio in another attempt to rid his mind of the love for another man. He hopped onto the robots head, much to the surprise of Mysterio and the robots.   
  


"ATTACK HIM!!!" Mysterio ordered, Evan had anticipated this and waited for the fists of two other robots to impact with the head of the robot he had recently landed on. Evan simply leapt off and onto another robots cranium. *To easy.* he thought as the effect repeated it's self. The third time though he wasn't so lucky, the robot it's self attacked him and the others stood back and fired missiles. *Where did the missiles come from? Who cares! I'll just kill off these robots and this odd gay feeling will leave... I hope.* Evan straddled the first of four missiles and redirected it towards another robot, who shot it out of the air with a laser. *Ok, now they have lasers! Good fun!* Evan landed in a puddle form on the floor and seeped under one of the robots and instantly turned it into his own Mech, using it's weapons against it's allies.   
  


Mysterio pressed a button on his arm and thirty more of the robots came in through hidden doorways. Evan sweated. This was shitty. The new mecha were different though. They were bigger and had a HELLUVA lot more weapons. Evan began dodging using the simulated Spider sense he got from the symbiote after ditching his mecha that was destroyed by the others.   
  


Josh jumped in and began helping out. Kasumi sat in the corner and watched. Josh leapt into the fray of robots and began tearing them apart at amaguriken speed. Evan was helping but his powers weren't as great as Joshes. Evan noticed Kasumi in the corner and ordered the symbiote that had partly bonded with her to protect her from anything. Then he got back to his strategy of controlling one mecha at a time and waiting till it was out of ammo or destroyed by his counter parts. It seemed to be working quite well as the robots were programmed to attack without thinking.   
  


Josh jumped towards Mysterio and knocked his helmet off with a punch. She automatically knew it was him. He whimpered after realizing that all of his robots had been destroyed. "Mysterio I thought you were gonna go good and stop this idiotic villain CRAP! You're smarter than this!" She said as she motioned towards the totalled robots.   
  


"I wanted you to be mine! But you had to be unnatural and take a woman over a real man." He said Kunoish as tears streamed from his eyes. "You were my last chance at happiness and normality."   
  


"What are you kidding?! I'm twice the man you are and I'm half girl! That is my wife I was kissing! I have a curse! That turns me into a girl with a splash of cold water, and back into a guy with warm." Mysterio looked confused and then splashed her with water to see if it was true. Josh was caught off guard and got the warm water right in the face. She shifted forms and turned into a guy. He took off his mask and sure enough he was male.   
  


Venom walked up and put a comforting hand on Mysterio and said, "You'll get used to it! Cheer up! Your relationship will be weird, but you've been in jail before so I sure you know what it's like." Evan bit his tongue as the symbiote connected to Kasumi began to win over his consciousness. Josh reared back to beat Evan up for saying that but Evan put up his hands to stop the man.   
  


"No I'll do it myself!" Evan then began beating himself to get the Gay feelings out. He could feel it working. Josh shrugged and tore Mysterio's green villain costume off. He then threw him a pair of blue jeans and the man put them on quickly.   
  


"Straighten up Mysterio. You got your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it away on petty crimes and revenge against Spider Man. If you decide to change your ways and go straight, then come down to this address on Friday. That's poker night." Josh handed Mysterio a piece of paper and the man looked at it. Josh looked over to where Kasumi was but she was gone. All that was left was a blueish pink haze.   
  


Josh shrugged and motioned for Evan, who was strangling himself, to follow him and then the two left.   
  


*****************   
  


That Friday, Venom swung into the apartment and morphed into Evan, who had been receiving counseling for his odd feelings towards Josh. "Well, that psyche guy was weird! I bet he was gayer than the symbiote strand that Kasumi has... WAIT I HAVE AN IDEA!!! Kasumi could burn the basterdly gay symbiote! Or completely fuse with it!" Evan declared to empty space.   
  


Ben walked into the living room after hearing Evan's ranting. "You haven't forgot about poker night have you?"   
  


Evan slumped his shoulders, remembering his horrid losing the last time. "No, I have not forgotten." Evan morphed into Doc Ock, "And I will have my revenge!!" He turned back to normal and hopped over the couch and in a fluid movement turned on the tv and fluffed a pillow. He stretched out on the couch and said to Ben "Wake me up when you boys are ready to win my paycheck." He fell asleep quickly and the symbiote began doing some weird things, as though it was trying to re-fuse with it's lost half. Evan didn't seem to notice, as he was asleep, but it unnerved Ben a lot.   
  


Just then Josh and Peter entered the apartment and smiled. "Who's ready to lose?" Josh asked with a smile.   
  


"You're not beating me this time." Ben said with a frown. "I've been practicing." Josh shrugged and sat down on the couch after shoving Evan off of it. Evan woke up and sat up. The symbiote stopped moving and then Peter cracked out a pack of playing cards. Just as the man was about to deal out the cards to himself and the other three players there was a knock at the door. Everyone turned their attention to the door.   
  


Ben opened the door to reveal A normal looking man, wearing blue jeans and a white T-shirt.   
  


"Um, hi. I'm here for poker night. Spider Girl and Venom told me it would be Ok." The man said as he peeked inside to see if the aforementioned Super heroes were present.   
  


Evan shook off some sleep and waved to the man, "Come on in Mysterio!" He called out as he morphed himself into a standing position and walked over to the table. Evan sat down and motioned for the now entering ex-villain to follow his lead, Ben and Peter just stared. Their spider senses were not warning them of danger, so they reluctantly accepted his company.   
  


The rest of the group gathered around the table and took their respective seats, Evan used the symbiote to pull Mysterio up a chair. Peter dealt out the cards. Everyone became serious, except Evan who swept his hand over his face, making it devoid of all features. "Got to put on my poker face." He stated, most of the people groaned, but Mysterio chuckled.   
  


"Wow, someone with a sense of humor! Well there is people who don't just laugh when fighting." evan said making an obvious jest of Peter and his clone.   
  


This brought some dark stares, Evan remained devoid of features and brought his cards up to where his eyes should have been, "Does anyone have glasses? I can read a damn card!" Mysterio chuckled again. Josh punched Evan in the gut. Evan keeled over and got his facial features back.   
  


"I'm trying to win. Stop distracting me." Josh said. She looked at her cards and then set one down picking another up from the deck.   
  


******************   
  


One hour later. Everyone was frowning. Josh was the only exception. She had a huge smile on her face and set her cards down face up. "What do you know? I've got a royal flush again! I win." Josh then took all of the money that was in the middle of the table and pulled it over to her side, adding it to her already vast pile of cash.   
  


"That's it I give up!" Mysterio said as he threw his cards down to the table. "This kid is robbing me."   
  


"Now you know how it feels eh Mysterio?" Peter asked Mysterio with a glare.   
  


"Is that a threat mister Parker? Mysterio asked as he fixed the man with a glare of his own. "And don't call me Mysterio." He added. "I'm going straight and it's Carl now! I figured that if I really want to start over I'll need to wipe the slate clean. So I got a new Identity."   
  


"Great idea , um, Carl? Yeah, Carl right? I could get used to that, although I think Jonny fits a bit better, but who am I to judge..." Evan morphed into Judge Judy "JUDY!!!" Evan roll on to the floor laughing. Josh began pounding Evan relentlessly.   
  


"STOP THE EVIL!!!!" She yelled as she did so. When Josh calmed down she packed away all the money she won and motioned for Carl to follow her. She moved into the closet that she had renovated as her room and reached up at the top, pulling something down and handing it to Mysterio.   
  


"I made this for you." She said with a smile. "I figured that now that your a good guy you could be a part time super hero so I made you something that would suit you. Mysterio unrolled the costume and stared at it. It was kind of a mix between his Mysterio costume and some technological stuff. Josh pointed to the technological parts that were on the forearms, his lower legs, collar and chest. "These have a bunch of the cool ass illusion crap I stole from your lair. I modeled it kind of after a science fiction movie called Predator and got Evan to put in a bunch of cool shyte like jet boots so you could fly and lasers and stuff. Cool eh?" She asked.   
  


"I don't know what to say..." Mysterio stuttered. "It looks great!" Josh shrugged.   
  


"Yeah well once you get into the hero biz it's kind of fun. It'll kind of give you a sense of responsibility." Mysterio smiled and tucked it under his arm.   
  


"Thanks. For everything." Josh nodded with a smile.   
  


A phone like sound came from Joshes pocket and she pulled out a phone type device and looked at it with a smile. She pressed a button on the front and then a face appeared on the screen. It was Kasumi.   
  


"Hello honey." Josh said as he turned away from Mysterio to take the call. "How's the baby?" Kasumi smiled on the screen.   
  


"The baby is doing fine. It's to early to tell if it'll be a girl or a boy though." Josh nodded.   
  


"True. Your English is getting a lot better. You still got a little bit of an accent but other than that you got it down. Is Akane still mad at me for taking off?"   
  


Kasumi nodded. "Yes. She is really upset. I keep telling her that it is okay but she thinks your just hitting on all the women in the galaxy or something along those lines. She's really annoying too." Josh laughed a bit.   
  


"I never did like her. She's got way too big of a temper and a very limited imagination." Josh then paused for a moment. "Can I talk to her? I think maybe she needs to hear it from me or something."   
  


Kasumi nodded. "Okay." Kasumi walked out of the screens view and then a moment later Akane came back.   
  


"What do you want!?" She asked with a scowl as she glared at Joshes female image through the view screen. "I've got things to do today."   
  


"Like what?" Josh asked. "All you ever seem to do is bitch about everything and beat Ranma half to death. That man is like a brother to me and I don't really like that fact that his fiancée is an abusive snot!" Josh smiled evilly at Akane. "Someday your gonna push or hit him too hard and he'll leave you. I know you and your family like books. If I give you advise then it's more than likely best that you listen."   
  


Akane stayed silent not knowing what to say about that. She knew he was right, that he was from another dimension so it wasn't the smartest thing to do to not listen to him.   
  


"I will never cheat on my wife. Unlike you I am a very honorable man. Your an unhonourable man."   
  


"Hey!"   
  


Josh ignored her. "I have a child now that Kasumi is holding. I wouldn't leave my wife of my own will. Why would I want to leave my child? That is inhuman." Josh smiled. "You know you should make up with Ranma. You already know that he's a way better martial artist than you so if you made up with him you could probably learn some new moves. That's all the advice I'll give you, bye." Josh pressed the hangup button and the screen turned dark.   
  


"Time for the super hero gig." She said before moving to get her Spider Girl costume.   
  


***************   
  


Evan turned to Peter Parker, getting an amazing idea for his next project. "Pete. Where does Curt Conners live?"   
  


Peter looked curious, "Why do you want to visit him?"   
  


"Well, as he is a fellow scientist, I thought it would be nice to meet him and pass around formulas and stuff." Evan suggested.   
  


Peter shrugged, "Sure I guess you could visit him, I'll take you to his place in a bit, I just need to count up how much money Josh won off me." Peter looked glum, Evan patted his shoulder.   
  


"It's ok Pete, I lost my whole paycheck. Your losses can't be that bad." Evan offered his moral support to yhe photographer.   
  


Pete seemed a bit better, knowing that someone had lost more than he did.   
  


An hour later, Evan was knocking on the Conners' door. Peter need to explain his losses to MJ, so he didn't stay around.   
  


Evan thought back to the poker game and realized that Josh must have been using his perception point to win, Evan shook his head in shame for not noticing that before hand. Just then the oak door opened, revealing a one armed scientist and his son. The young boy with blonde hair just walked past Evan and began walking down the street, probably to go play with some of his friends or something.   
  


"Curt Conners?" evan asked, already knowing the answer.   
  


"That's me." Curt responded, seeming curious to the identity of the stranger at his door. "And who are you."   
  


"Oh, I'm just an admirer of your work with genetics, I was hoping to meet the man behind the amazing formulae." Evan said with heart felt enthusiasm.   
  


Curt seemed shocked that anyone remembered his work and invited the youth inside for some coffee.   
  


"Your a bit young to be delving into genetics aren't you?" Curt asked.   
  


Evan shrugged as he sipped some coffee, "I guess so, but I just do what I like. I guess genetics is just one of those things." He said with a small laugh.   
  


Curt laughed a bit as well and then turned to the boy, "You know, I could use an apprentice. Are you interested?"   
  


Evan looked shocked that an esteemed scientist would just toss around apprenticeships to any kid with an interest in their works. "I'd be honored sir! But I might not be able to be here full-time, I've got a job as a teacher." Curt sputtered in his coffee.   
  


"You teach!?!"   
  


Evan shrugged again, "Yup, physics. I've been teaching for a week now. It's pretty easy, but some of the kids are quite dumb."   
  


Curt laughed, "The intelligence level has dropped hasn't it. So where do you teach?"   
  


"Castle Hills highschool. It's in New York, just downtown."   
  


Curt nodded, "I know the place. It's a nice school. Where did you get your teaching degree?"   
  


"Well, um, I don't have one. But the second I gave my lecture on Astro relativity and Quantum Physics they ate me up and offered the job without any requirements."   
  


Curt was clearly amazed, "I deal mostly in Bio studies, but I have heard of those subjects. Quite complex don't you think?"   
  


"Yeah it used to be but I got good at it. Speaking of bio science I gave my friend Spider Powers about two weeks ago. I could probably cure your Lizard problem too."   
  


Curt sputtered in his coffee for the second time and dropped his cup to the table. "Your kidding! And how did you know about the Lizard!?! Heal me! How?" His speech was sporadic, but Evan knew he would react like this and calmed the conversation down.   
  


"Ok, I used one of Reed Richards books to give my friend the powers. I could use the opposite of that formula to cure you. And I know about the Lizard from the media in my universe."   
  


"Your from another UNIVERSE!?!" Conners said completely baffled.   
  


Evan put his hand on his chin and furrowed his brow. "You know I get that a lot. But yeah I am. For some reason I'm just able to pick up knowledge as fast as Josh eats."   
  


Conners sat down "I take it this Josh is the person you gave the Spider powers to?""   
  


Evan nodded. "She's kind of married to this girl in another universe. You might recognized her from the papers as Spider Girl, and me as VENOM! Chibi."   
  


Conners seemed confused at the chibi part, but the rest made sense to him. Other than the girl, girl marriage. "So your friend is a lesbian?"   
  


"I guess so, well some of the time anyway. He's... kind of hard to explain. The term for it was aqua transsexual if I remember correctly." Evan said as he sipped some more coffee.   
  


Conners seemed to understand the term and looked pensive. "So you can heal me? What do you want for it?"   
  


"Nothing." Evan stated simply between sips. "I just think it'd be fun. I made a formula last night." Evan then pulled out a vial from his pocket he handed it to Curt who took it and examined it. It was purple and it swirled a pinkish and green pattern. "Want to try it Conners? I'm on Spider Man's good side so you can trust me. If it doesn't work then I have an antidote to put you back to normal." Evan pulled out another vial and set it on the table.   
  


Conners stood up and thought long and hard. This was a big decision and he didn't want to waste the chances for a cure, though he also didn't want to risk anything bad happening. He sighed and nodded. "I'll do it."   
  


Evan smiled. "Don't look so gloomy. I didn't sentence you to death or nothing. Cheer up." Evan pulled out a syringe from his pocket and took the top off of the formula vial, he stuck the needle in and sucked it all up. He rolled up Conners sleeve and inserted the needle. He released all of the formula into him and then when he pulled the needle out Conners started to convulse and fell to the floor.   
  


Conners seemed to be having some sort of mental battle as he gripped his head with his single arm in pain. Evan just watched calmly. Curt began to shift back and forth from a lizard like state to his human side. His arm started to grow from the socket that it was in and formed a fully functional arm. It too went to clutch his head and then he just stopped. Curt Conners lay on the floor breathing heavily and sweating just the same.   
  


He looked at his right arm which was the missing one and half smiled. "Y-You did it." He said in amazement. Evan nodded and watched in fascination.   
  


"Very interesting."   
  


*****************   
  


When Evan left Curt looked down at his hand and flexed it. For years he had nothing there, for years he had learned to live with it and accepted it after a while. Now. Now he had a new arm. Grew it like some sort of lizard but not. The boy that was there was incredible. He was very special, and Curt felt that the boy would go a long way.   
  


It was almost frightening how powerful the boys mind was and Conners knew then that he had to make sure that the boy never turn to evil. He heard the front door open but it didn't really register in his mind. It was fully transfixed on the sight of a new arm that was now on his body. Footsteps echoed through the house and he didn't even notice when his wife, Martha, entered the room setting the groceries on the table and putting the majority of them away.   
  


Martha looked over at her husband and smiled. She went back to putting the groceries away but then threw her head back into the air when she noticed that her husband had two arms rather than one. "OH MY GOD!" Sh said as she covered her mouth with her hand and dropped a can of peas to the ground.   
  


Curt looked up and smiled at his wife, "I'm cured."   
  


*****************   
  


Curt stood out side smiling as he threw a baseball back and forth with Billy. Long had the shadow of the ferocious lizard haunted his soul. Now because of a young boy he had just met he was normal again. Even the little things that he could do with two hands felt incredible to him. Just then something that lay dormant in the formulae activated itself. Evan hadn't told Conners everything about the formulae. The truth was Evan had no idea what the effects would be. He just guessed after reading a bunch of genetic books.   
  


Curt fell to his knees and clutched his stomach. He looked at his hands and noticed that his skin was getting harder. It was turning reptilian. Billy, his son, saw what was happening and ran into the house, warning his mother what was happening. Martha looked out the window and noticed that her husband had once again turned into the evil minded Lizard.   
  


Curt felt the pain go away and sat on the ground. He groaned and felt his head. It still pounded a little bit for some reason but he couldn't for the life of him figure out had happened. When he touched his head though he felt different. He pulled his hand down and looked at it in shock. He...was...THE LIZARD!   
  


"WHAT THE!?" Curt, now the lizard jumped to his feet and looked himself over. Somehow he had turned into the Lizard yet he was still himself. He still had control of his body. "This can't be real!" He said to himself. "I CAN'T BE THE LIZARD! NOT AGAIN!!!" He fell to his knees and tears fell from his red reptilian eyes. He needed to find Evan. He needed... to find out what went wrong.   
  


He just sat there for a moment drawing a picture in the grass with his now green claws that donned his hands. "I can't believe I took such a stupid chance." He muttered to himself. "Genius kid my ass! I'll bet that he never really gave that girl/boy any powers anyway."   
  


Dr. Conners looked up and took back all that he said when he saw a female version of Spider Man land in his front yard. She looked at the lizard and got in a ready pose waiting for a fight. Curt, not wanting to be seen this way, turned away from her . "Leave me alone." He said in a pathetic voice as he wiped a tear from his eye.   
  


Josh was startled. "Mr. Conners? Are you...in there?" She asked in bafflement. Conners looked over his shoulder and glared at her.   
  


"This is what your little friend did yo me." He said standing up and holding his lizard-like arms up for her to see. "Look at me! I'm a freak now!" Josh shrugged.   
  


"Could be worse. You could have turned into a woman. Listen." She said moving forward. "I'm not here to fight you I'm here to help. You see... Evan told me that he went to see you last night and he told me about it last night. I just wanted to stop by and see if everything was all right. My fears have been realized though. I'm sorry."   
  


"What am I going to do?" Conners asked with a heavy sigh. "If I'm stuck like this. My life is ruined."   
  


Josh walked towards the Lizard man and put a hand on his broad and scaly shoulder. "I think maybe it can be reversed by a thought. Evan would never purposely mutate somebody into a horrible beast, and if he did then I'm sure that you'd probably be able to tun back to normal with just a thought. It works that way in the comics."   
  


"In the COMICS!?" Conners yelled at the girl. She jumped back a bit in surprise and Conners continued. "This isn't a comic book girl!" Josh shrugged and then turned around.   
  


"Just think about what I said." Josh finished, spinning a web and taking off into the city.   
  


Conners watched Spider Girl swing away and turned towards his house. He opened the door and had to squeeze hi massive form through the doorway. He sat down on the couch in his living room and picked up a remote. Turning on the TV. He began watching the tube and slumped in the chair, falling asleep soon halfway through a Just Shoot Me episode.   
  


**************   
  


Authors notes: {Well this is odd now isn't it? I got a universal phone, Mysterio's a good guy for good, Conners is the Lizard with a good mind. What else could we possibly do in this crazy fic? How about heroes return? Ooohh yeah! Gee you don't think they'll find it weird that there's four Spider Men now do you? Heavens no! Aunt Anna is a wierd old lady dontcha think? Im gonna get to meet my heroes soon. The ones the onlys The Fantastic FOURS!!...four. If you know what I mean. Well I don't got a whole HELLUVA lot to say so here's the one the only. PATHETIC MAN! Evan for short}   
  


Morden Night: anime_morden@crystal-tokyo.com 

  
  


(Thank ladies and Gentlemen!! I am PATHETIC MAN!!!! Um yeah, or at least that's what Josh calls me... I live in a cage. Conners made a good point though, I could cause destruction with my genius, well in the story anyway. Maybe in real life too, but It would take some doing. I wonder if reed will be mad at me for destroying his crib? Will the thing pummel me? Will Sue pummel me? Will I become the human candle due to the lovely burning sensation the Human torch? All this and more on the next SELF INSERTION!!!... or not. But heck! It might happen. You never know! With josh as "DM" I probably will be beaten and bruised in some form or another, and why the hell does Loki keep doing stuff? I honestly do not know! Um, yeah... That's all from me. Ta!)   
  


Agasaki Ishano: agasaki@crystal-tokyo.com 


	11. An Old New Threat

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Self Insertion   
  


This is a self insertion fic. It's pretty much me and my friend get into a Sliders type mix up. Cept we go to worlds like Animes and Cartoons and Movies and other stuff. Both of us are writing it as well so the Genre will fluctuate. Be warned, be afraid, be readin' my story please. And enjoy.   
  


Disclaimer: I don't own nothin! Cept me!   
  


* *: Thoughts   
  


Capital letters: Shouting or loud noises   
  


: Japanese   
  


_ _: Stressed words   
  


{ }: Josh's own thoughts   
  


( ): Evan's own thoughts and location   
  


Chapter 11   
  


An Old New Threat   
  


Martha Conners and Her son, Billy Conners, was currently hiding in the closet in her son's room. Her husband had turned into a hideous monster mere minutes ago. He was now some sort of half Lizard, half Man amalgamation. She had been hiding in the closet with Billy for the last half an hour. They hadn't heard anything for quite a while and Martha peeked out of the closet. She didn't see anything in the room so she crept out of the closet as quietly as possible, with Billy by her side.   
  


Martha opened the door to the room and stuck her head outside. She could hear that the television was on in the living area down stairs and she crept silently down the stairs, Billy clung fearfully to her as they crept down the stairs. One of the floorboard creaked when they touched down at the bottom of the stairs and they froze when they heard muffled movement coming from the area near the TV. Martha silently told Billy to stay where he was and she crept over to where she heard the sound.   
  


She was a little confused when she saw the object of her fear sprawled out on the living room couch asleep. "M...Martha." The Lizard muttered in it's sleep. His eyelids fluttered open and gazed at the lithe blonde woman standing nearby. "Honey?" He asked, rubbing his eyes.   
  


Martha backed up a little. "C...Curt?" he asked in fear. "Is...is that you?" Dr. Curt Conners looked down at himself and realized why she was looking at him the way she was.   
  


"I...I'm still the lizard." He said as he stared at his hands in sorrow. He sat up and slumped his head. "You must think I'm a horrible monster now." He said. Martha realized that Curt was actually in control of the Lizard and she slowly moved towards him and sat down beside him on the couch. "All my years I've been looking for a way to get my arm back, looking for a way to get rid of the Lizard. Now I've got my arm." He said as he held up his right arm. "But I've now become the monster that I've been trying to get rid of."   
  


Martha put her arm around the Lizards shoulders and he flinched. "Honey. How did this happen?" she asked.   
  


The Lizard growled, unnerving Martha. "I just wanted to be normal. I trusted a complete stranger and this is the results." He said, hanging his scaled head.   
  


Martha wrapped her arms around his thick neck and attempted to comfort her husband. "I'm sure the man who did this is very sorry honey." She said, still in disbelief at her husbands control over the monster.   
  


Billy came up to his father, "Daddy, I still love you."   
  


Curt began to cry. "I don't deserve your love Billy. I'm... a monster."   
  


Billy hugged his father, Curt barely restrained from breaking down completely. And then it happened, the humanity shown to him by his wife and child brought back the words of Spider Girl. Curt had nothing else to lose now so he closed his reptilian eyelids and concentrated hard on the image of his human side. Forcing his body to change. Billy and Martha felt the muscles shift under their embrace and then the scales soften and turn to skin.   
  


"I'm BACK!" Curt said happily as he checked himself over and then grabbed his family in a hug. "I understand what he did now. It makes perfect sense."   
  


"Oh curt." Martha said through half tears eyes.   
  


****************   
  


Venom web slung around the city, heading in the direction of the Fantastic four building. His swings were interrupted by a scream in a alley. *I hate small crooks.* Evan thought to himself as he swung down to the alley to check out the crime in progress.   
  


Two guys with guns threatened a young lady, "Give us your money lady, and nobody gets hurt."   
  


A low voice from behind the crooks, "On contraire. I do believe you will be in a lot of pain when I'm done." A swift black shadow whizzed by the two men and the girl began to back out of the alley. She ran into a solid object that became soft and kept her balanced. "I hate the cliche, girl in trouble, girl is about to be rescued but runs into her savior. So I'll keep you up." Venom smiled down on the girl, who screamed and tried to move around the symbiotic hero and out onto the streets. Her knees failed her though and she fell to the cement just behind the black mass that was Evan.   
  


Evan turned around, sighed, bent down and handed the girl her purse. "Here's your purse. Remember I'm the good guy okay?" Two gunshots cracked through the air. Evan felt them embed in the symbiotic flesh that was protecting him. He spun on one heel and glared at the crooks, "That could have hurt."   
  


Evan pointed a hand at the crooks and two metal bullets fell to the ground. "Now it's your turn to hurt." Evan lunged at the defenseless villains and threw one punch at each, planting their frames in opposite walls. He turned to where the girl still stood and morphed into Evan. He smiled and waved at her. She was in shock.   
  


"Oh come on! I'm not that bad looking am I?" Evan joked, trying to get a response from his first civilian save.   
  


She just kept staring at him, her jaw dropped. "So now you think I'm hot or something? Geez, women!" Evan nodded to the girl, turned back into Venom and crawled up the wall, "Sorry lady! I've got to leave! You can stare at me some other time though!" Evan spun a web line and headed towards the FF building.   
  


The girl remained in the alley, staring straight forward.   
  


*************   
  


Josh smiled as she flipped one of the tiddly winks into the cup. "Score!" She called out. Ben was sitting on the couch trying to watch TV and he looked over at her.   
  


"Why do you always play tiddly winks half naked?" He asked unconsciously staring at her naked breasts.   
  


Josh shrugged. "I got nothing better to do. Side's The Lizard should be coming by soon. I slipped him your address when I was talking to him. It had a note telling him to come here so that I could talk with him some more." Ben sputtered for a bit.   
  


"THE LIZARD!?" He asked confused and surprised. He put his hand on his forehead and frowned. "Great! I just dealt with that reptilian psycho merely a month or two ago. Now you invite him over? When did Conners turn back into the Lizard!?" Josh shrugged.   
  


"This morning. I think."   
  


Just then there was a rapping on the window. Ben looked over and surely enough there was the Lizard hanging on the window sill, staring inside. Josh put on a shirt and walked over to the window. She opened it and let the Lizard in. He glided in easily and then immediately shifted into the form of Curt Conners.   
  


"Good afternoon." He said. Ben looked flabbergasted at Curt.   
  


*Since when could he change forms on instinct? And when had he gained control of the Lizard?*   
  


Josh smiled at be and replied. "I know what your probably thinking. And the answer is sometime today." He smiled at Curt. "How yah doing doctor conners?"   
  


Curt nodded at the girl. "Well now thanks to you... Spider Girl. I feel like a new man." Ben looked at Josh with a look of shock.   
  


"You cured him!?" Josh shook his head.   
  


"No. Evan did. That's probably why he kept the Lizard form as a side affect." Josh said as she sat back down a commenced her game of tiddly winks.   
  


Curt gave her a strange look and then turned to Ben. "Do you know where Evan is, I want to thank him for curing me."   
  


Ben shrugged, "I think he went off some time ago. To the old FF building."   
  


Curt thanked him and transformed into the Lizard and hopped out the open window.   
  


******************   
  


Venom sat at a desk in the Four Freedoms plaza, looking over some of Reed Richard's notes. *I wish Reed was here, He would be able to teach me a whole whack of crap that involves genes. I have the ultimate weapon but no ideas on formulae to use.* Venom tossed the notes aside and materialized another set of notes in front of him. He ripped through them and tossed these aside as well.   
  


"DAMN!!! Nothing! Where would his notes on genes be?" Venom paced around the floor and thought out loud.   
  


"If I were a super genius... Which I am... Where would I put genetic notes? On a shelf of course!!" Venom then looked in dismay at the long rows upon rows of shelves in this room alone. He hung his head in defeat. "Damn you Reed. Damn you." Venom trudged to the first shelf and began leafing through the first row.   
  


"Venom?" A hissing voice said from behind the symbiotic hero.   
  


Venom spun around and threw his arms in the air and morphed into Evan. "DOCTOR CONNERS! How are you? I see my formula worked as you are not attacking me."   
  


The Lizard shifted his shape to that of Curt Conners approached Evan. "I wanted to thank you for curing me Evan."   
  


"You had already thanked me Curt. Why are you thanking me again?" Evan asked as he scratched the back of his head.   
  


Curt put a hand on Evan's shoulder, "I didn't think your formula would keep my Lizard form."   
  


"Yeah, the Lizard form was the only part I couldn't figure out. I mean it is grafted to your genetic strands is it not?" Evan laughed a bit.   
  


Curt thought this over, "Yes I suppose it would be difficult to remove grafted DNA. I hadn't thought of it that way."   
  


Evan smiled, "Hey Curt. Could you help me with some DNA stuff, I need to find a way to strip mutants of their powers. Like Magneto and the likes."   
  


Curt nodded, "Sure. I guess I could lend an apprentice some of my notes."   
  


*****************   
  


A few days later. Six punks stood around a geekishly looking blonde kid with a large space between his teeth and huge glasses. "Ya hear me, Wuss" Said the leader of the gang to the kid. "I said we wus gonna steal yer wallet, and bash your face!" The gang leader with the bald head paused and looked angrier. "What ya SMILING at!?"   
  


The geeky kid just looked up and smiled wider. "HIM!" He said.   
  


One of the punks, with a brown Mohawk, looked up to where the kid was looking. "Him who...?   
  


Just then two figures dropped down into the street and plowed into the punks. One of the figures decided to speak up. "I'll give you a few hints fellas. I'm often seen swinging around the city with my friend here! The man then bashed two of the punk's heads together. "I possess amazing strength..." He then rushed forward and kicked a few of the punks down on the ground. "and spectacular speed!"   
  


The female figure that accompanied him spoke up as well. "Though my speed is even greater. We both shoot these fantastic webs." With that the two figures shot gooey strands of web at a few of the punks. "We possess devilish wits and can stick to walls, our agility is unsurpassed as well."   
  


Spider Man punched out the last of the goons and smiled underneath his mask. "We're also the friendly neighborhood type."   
  


"Except when it comes to bad guys." Spider Girl finished. Spider Man picked up the young geek's wallet and handed it to the boy.   
  


"I...I don't know what to say...or how to thank you both!" The boy said "Y...You probably saved my life!"   
  


"Glad I could help kid!" Spidey said. "It's all I try to do."   
  


Both Spider peoples then jumped into the air, spinning web lines onto nearby buildings and swung off together.   
  


Josh turned to Peter, "anything happen while I was away?" Peter shot out a line before talking.   
  


"Well. While you and Evan where on a nice field trip. I had my powers return to full, almost got killed by a master of electricity. Not Evan mind you, but the ever loveable Electro." He said sarcastically.   
  


Josh spun around and started swinging backwards, using spider sense to guide her as she spoke with Pete. "Electro? Didn't he super charge himself or something?"   
  


Peter nodded in mid swing. "Yup. I guess these kind of things don't slip by you other dimension folk."   
  


Josh smirked under the mask, "Have you spoken to X-man?"   
  


"Not yet, but I was going to try and track the Tker down today to get some help. But now that you and Evan are here I might not need him." Peter stated, confident in Spider Girl and Venom's powers.   
  


Josh nodded, "It probably wouldn't help to have a psychic on the team. But how did he beat you, didn't Ben help? Or what about Mysterio or Conners?" She asked as the pair landed on the roof of Peter's house.   
  


"Ben was working at the time, couldn't skip it or he'd be fired. Mysterio was making some movie about the Four Spiders, and last but not least, Conners was at the FF building, fixing up some of Evan's spur of the moment ideas."   
  


Peter nodded off and waved to Josh before flipping down to his bedroom window. Josh waved herself and then jumped off in the direction of Ben's apartment.   
  


*Crazy!* She thought as she swung through the city. *It's just one thing after the other in this universe. I hope me and Evan can help Pete out with his Electro problem. It should be easy enough. One amaguriken and he's gone. He's gonna die anyway so why not. Pete doesn't want me to kill any of the villains so maybe I can get it through Electro's stupid whiney head that being a good guy is better.* Josh contemplated this as she swung.   
  


*I wonder if I should shack up with the x-men. That'd be kind of cool and I could beat the crap out of Magneto and some of the other insane villains they usually deal with.* Josh shrugged. *Nah! Maybe I'll just hang out with them for a while and get their autographs or something.* Josh swung in through the window of Ben's apartment, or at least the hole where it used to be, and took of her mask. She yawned and jumped on the couch. Ben wasn't here at the moment so he couldn't care if she slept in her costume or not. It was her choice not his. After all, who's gonna just waltz in here and see her?   
  


Josh soon fell asleep.   
  


*****************   
  


Ben smiled as he laughed and joked while he walked alongside Desiree late at night. Or rather early that morning. He and her had been out all night. And since they were closest to Ben's apartment they decided that they could stay there. Ben didn't want Desiree to walk all the way home by herself so he offered her to stay on the couch or something till daylight. He had really opened up a lot to the woman and he could seriously see a future with her. He hadn't opened up enough to tell her however that he was Spider Man. Or at least one of them.   
  


He put his key into the keyhole and unlocked the door. Desiree was a lot more calm and less bold when with him and he really liked that side of her. He opened the door and motioned for his girlfriend to enter. She smiled at him and did just that.   
  


Ben pocketed his key and followed after her. However she had stopped right in the doorway and was just staring inside the apartment. Ben noticed that she had a look of shock on her face. "I know it's not the greatest Des, but something happened a while back and the apartment was trashed." Desiree still just stood there and looked. Ben followed her gaze and then gasped at what he saw. Josh was lying on the couch in his girl form, which was not out of the ordinary but she was wearing her Spider Girl uniform, with the mask OFF!   
  


"Sp...Sp...Spider GIRL!?!" Desiree said shocked as she stared at the alleged super hero. She turned to Ben. "Did...Did you know that she was...was...?" Ben smiled weakly and rubbed the back of his neck with one hand.   
  


"Weeeell..." He began. Desiree looked surprised and then smiled, wickedly.   
  


"You DID know didn't you!?" She said. "How many other Spider Men do you know mister Reilly? Better yet! Are you one of the Spider Men?" Ben looked around nervously and herded her into the apartment. He then slammed the door and looked at her worried.   
  


"Listen! Desiree! You can't tell anyone about this! I've got a secret identity and so does she! We can't let this get out into the open!" Desiree looked happy with herself and jumped up and down in excitement.   
  


"You ARE Spider Man!" She hugged Ben and then kissed him deeply. She pulled back and smirked at him. "Who would have thought that I'd have hooked myself up with a super hero!" Josh rolled over and promptly fell on the floor. The impact woke her up and she looked around drowsily.   
  


"Huh? Ben? You around bud?" She then got a good look at Desiree and frowned. "Oh CRAP! This is bad ain't it?" She asked to no one in particular.   
  


Just then the Lizard jumped in through the hole in the wall. "I've done it!" He said in excitement. He then noticed the situation that was going on. "Oops." Desiree then screamed and hid behind Ben.   
  


**************   
  


Evan came in through the hole that was once Ben's apartment window as Venom and looked around. Curt Conners, Peter, Josh and ben were all standing around a astonished Desiree. Evan walked up and smiled evilly. "Let me guess. She found out your identity eh Ben?" He asked. Ben nodded. Evan took off his Venom guise and just became himself. "Guess I don't need to worry too much about this now do I?"   
  


Desiree marveled at the sight of Venom turning into an average teenage kid. She was already surprised enough to find out that Spider Girl was just a teenage girl, and that her boyfriend was Spider Man. The realization that Lizard was a good guy now and that they were all in cahoots with each other was a spectacle that she wouldn't want to change for the world. "This is all so unreal!" Desiree said. "My Boyfriend is Spider Man!" Ben smiled.   
  


"I never really had too much of a choice in the matter."   
  


Evan looked nervous now that his and everyone elses identities had been revealed. "She's gonna tell! Lemme kill her!" Evan morphed into a Samurai, "I will do the honors." Ben glared at him coldly, everyone else in the room followed Ben's example.   
  


Evan shrugged, "I always thought that's what super people did when their ID's where found out."   
  


Everyone groaned and got back to the business involving their now revealed identities, Josh was a little downtrodden. "Sorry about this Ben. I forgot you had gone out last night. What where you two doing that you came back so late?" She asked.   
  


Ben and Desiree blushed a little. "It was nothing special."   
  


Josh shrugged and got back on topic. "Anyways, Desiree, you have to promise to never tell anyone this! Not even your bestest of best friends. If this gets out than none of us are safe."   
  


Desiree nodded. "Uh huh sure. Does the Spider Man thing run in your family Ben?" She looked at Peter and then Josh. "Peter's your brother and she's your cousin so...does everyone in your family get these Spidey powers?"   
  


"Yup!" Josh answered her. "But Peter was the first to get them so it'll be a while before it's passed on to the next of kin hereditarilly." Desiree's eyes were wide with wonder.   
  


"Coool!"   
  


Peter looked at Josh confused. "How do you know this? Is it more of your future comics? You said that My daughter would be kidnaped." Josh nodded.   
  


"Yeah, But then they put out this new series where May never got captured and she developed her Spider Powers in high school. Normie Osborn took on the role of green goblin but then he goes good and becomes May's best friend and love interest. You know how it is." Peter looked thoughtful.   
  


"Maybe we won't have anymore kids. I already anticipated the annoyances of raising a teenager but one with Spider Powers would be nuts. Anymore would be more than any parent could handle."   
  


Everyone laughed at that. Evan looked around thinking of the possibilities of a multitude of Spider powered people. *Hmm, Jackal didn't do it, but maybe I can. I'll keep this in mind.* Evan scratched his chin thoughtfully and ran some formulae he had learnt from Curt. *It could work.* Then he tuned back into the conversation at hand.   
  


Josh noticed the expression of thoughtfulness on Evan's face and frowned. She stood up and punched him. Evan flew out of the hole in the wall where the window used to be and he fell to the street below. Desiree looked shocked.   
  


"What did you do that for?" She asked as she stared at the hole Evan fell out of. Josh shrugged.   
  


"You know what? You sound a lot like my brother in law when you say that. Don't worry about Evan. He'll be fine. He's got a head thicker than the adamantium claws on Wolverine's hands." Josh laughed and desiree looked confused Once again.   
  


"What's adamantium?" She asked. Josh shrugged.   
  


"Just something really hard. Nothing to important. It ain't cool if it can't break in my eyes." Josh then smiled wickedly. "By the way Des, I'm a lesbian and I have X-Ray vision. You look great naked." Desire covered up where her private parts were underneath her clothing with her hands and frowned at Josh.   
  


"You pervert!"   
  


Josh laughed. "HAH! You sound like my sister in law! By the way I was just kidding. I can't see through your clothes, though that would be nice." Desiree frowned. She looked at her watch and her eyes widened.   
  


"I got to go! If I promise to keep all of your secrets can I go?" Josh nodded but Ben and Peter looked sceptical.   
  


"Go ahead. Peter's wife isn't gonna care. She won't let him go out as Spider Man very often now that he's a father. My wife is more lenient though. My kids not due for another eight months or so, so I'm okay."   
  


Desiree looked shocked. "You had a baby...with another woman?" Josh shrugged.   
  


"It's not as great as you might think." Desiree left the apartment after that, dazed and confused. It would be a pretty big mindblow if you just figured out the secret identities of several super heroes.   
  


****************   
  


Electro sat in an abandoned power plant, random bolts of electricity flowing across his body. Stared down a small vermin in his lair. "Feel the undeniable power of ELECTRO, you dirty rat!" He yelled at the small creature, firing a blast that merely sizzled the tail. He then picked the rat up with a two handed blast and fried it to a smoking husk, "I possess the power of a livin' GOD!... Too bad I don't have the imagination of one." He mused to himself as he caught the crispy fried rat in mid drop. He thought out loud about bring Spider man to his knees only a short time ago. Then memories of his father abandoning him and his wife divorcing him all came back to him in a rush of pure emotion. Then he snapped, "NO MORE!!!!" the master of electricity screamed as massive electrical bolts flew around him. He released the energy upwards, causing devastation to the power plant he had taken up residence in.   
  


Electro began hovering from the rubble on a wave of electrical energy, "I'll show them all!! I'll be the top of the..." Electro was cut off by a black muscular foot that impacted heavily with his face.   
  


"Looks like your at the bottom Electro-geek." An overconfident Venom declared as he hovered in mid air, circling his hands around each other.   
  


"Huh! I didn't know Venom could fly!" Electro exclaimed as he rubbed his bruised jaw.   
  


Evan shrugged while he charged his electric bolts to a level thirty. "Yeah well you should have thought about that before you blew that building thingy down there up!" Evan than shot the blast he had built up at Electro. "Sides. There can only be one! MASTER! OF ELECTRICITY!"   
  


Electro just stood there in the air laughing as he absorbed all of the electric energy Evan shot at him. "HAH! I made the GREAT Spider Man beg for his LIFE! What make YOU think that a SECOND RATE Electro wannabe can beat ME!!"   
  


Evan just shrugged, "just a guess." Evan then charged up another bolt but Electro, sensing the electronic devices in Venom's hands sent forth a bolt of Electricity towards him, taking out the ionizers. Evan screamed in pain but soon got back up and looked fine except for the fact that he was now falling to the ground, very fast.   
  


Evan impacted with the ground and created a huge crater. Electro flew down and grabbed Evan, who had changed back to his normal self, by the front of his shirt. "Your just a punk kid! Whatever made you think you could defeat a first class super villain?" Evan smiled just then.   
  


"I didn't!"   
  


Electro looked shocked as the Symbiote of Venom began to travel up his arms, locking them in place. "Ye see," Evan said, "My symbiote here has gained quite a taste for electricity." Electro began to tug desperately at his arms as the symbiote crawled across his chest.   
  


"LET GO!"   
  


Evan continued. "I didn't really have a whole lot of electric power though so my symbiote tracked you down. I agreed to go and we decided that we could probably absorb your powers. Then we wouldn't need the ionizers I built and we'd be able to control the electric powers better than you ever could have."   
  


"Electro began to tremble as he felt his power slowly drain and his body become weak. "D...Don't d-do this...to me." He begged. Just as the symbiote began reaching for his face. Evan seemed not to care.   
  


"Ah It shouldn't kill you or nothing. I'm just taking your powers. It's no big deal!" Electro then screamed in pain as he was forcefully stripped of his powers. Unfortunately these powers were a part of him so this was a bad move in Evan's case, because it was bonded to his very genetic code. When he stole that piece of his genetic code though there was a gap. And Electro died, right there in Evan's arms. The symbiote traveled off of the man's body and back into Evan's.   
  


Evan, not quite expecting such rapid changes to his genetic code, keeled over in pain and nearly threw up. His Symbiote quickly healed him of his ailments though and got the boy used to the strand of DNA once it had finished merging with him. *Whoo! What a rush!* Evan thought. He looked down at Electro's corpse and shrugged. "Well my symbiote lied to me. That's new. Better not happen again though. Pete's gonna be pissed!" Evan then spun a web, sparking with electricity, onto a nearby building.   
  


*****************   
  


Peter Parker was currently in his Spider Man uniform and swinging through the city of New York randomly, hoping to find a trace of Electro. He was also thinking about how his wife would bite his ear off when she found out that he had left. *I'm just glad I was able to clean those grease stains off my costume.* he thought to himself as he swung. *Speaking of my costume, maybe I should make a few modifi...HEY!!* Peter looked off in the distance and noticed that there was a flashing light traveling across the rooftops. *There's a chance it's Electro!* He thought before swinging in it's direction to see.   
  


Peter swung past all of the buildings in his way and leapt across the rooftops towards it. As he got closer he could definitely see that it was a figure and he sped up. Peter stopped on the building however when he noticed that it was just Venom. But this was different. He was sparking off strands of electricity in random directions, much like Electro usually does.   
  


"Hey Spidey!" Venom called out to the wall crawler.   
  


"Um, Venom. How did you get that amount of electrical energies so quickly?" Pete asked as he walked over to the large hero.   
  


"Wellll. I kind of rid the city of Electro by stealing his powers with the symbiote." Venom offered a disturbing smile then mumbled, "andkindofkilledhimintheprocess."   
  


Pete looked shocked, "You WHAT!?!" Evan slumped his shoulders in defeat.   
  


"I killed him." He switched to a defensive mood, "I didn't mean to though, honest Spidey, honest." He looked sad and moped about the roof top in circles.   
  


Pete was furious, "You guy's just take all the fun out of my day job! And what did you kill Electro for?"   
  


Evan shrugged, "We needed electricity, the symbiote seems to like it."   
  


Peter now looked angry and stuck a finger in Evan's face. "BUT HOW DOES THAT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO KILL!?!" Evan pointed to himself.   
  


"It was the _symbiote_! He told me to! Hetoldmeto, hetoldmeto!" Peter sighed.   
  


"What use is a Spider man when all the villains die out or turn to good guys?" He asked himself.   
  


"Welll." Evan started, "Josh-chan has proven that Spidey peoples can be great Police men. And you would be the best... Tell Josh I said he was the best K?" Evan gave off another disturbing Venom smile.   
  


Pete shrugged. "Yeah what ever. I'm out of here. I got to take May out for a walk, or a swing, I'm sure Mary wouldn't mind." With that Peter spun out a webline and headed towards his house.   
  


***************   
  


Josh smiled as she, in Spider Girl uniform, shined the NYCPD badge on her jacket just over her left breast. The police chief was impressed with her acts and decided to make her an honourary policewoman on the spot that day when she came in for training. She had elements of her police uniform on overtop of her Spider uniform and smiled underneath the mask as she walked downtown twirling a billy stick in-between her fingers. Her Perception point had allowed her to memorize the entire police training manual in a mere week.   
  


Josh continued to walk until a small time crook ran out of a grocery store with a bag of cash. The crook ran right by Josh who merely reached out with incredible speed and accuracy and grabbed the criminal by the scruff of the neck. Josh lifted the crook off the ground a full foot and spun him around spraying two blasts of precisely aimed webbing cuffing his hands. Josh shouldered the confused criminal and continued to walk.   
  


People in the area began to clap and Josh bowed for them. "All in a days work." She noted to herself before swinging away toward the police station. The punk who robbed the grocerie store screamed as he flew through the air with Spider Girl, he tried to pull a gun on her from his jacket but she grabbed it and put it in a plastic ziplock bag for evidence against him.   
  


One week later. The chief of police sat in his desk chair and grumbled. His desk was literally overflowed with paperwork. He sighed and took a sip of his coffee. *That Spider Girl is one helluva cop!* He thought to himself. *she's already brought in thirty small and bigtime crooks in the week he had given her, her badge. She was still bringing in more too, and she always had proper evidence against them. He was actually quite amazed and was thinking of promoting her already. The only thing he didn't like about her doing such a good job was the fact that he was always stuck with loads of paperwork. It was actually quite annoying when she worked overtime ALL THE TIME!   
  


*She's been going straight work without breaks it's both amazing and annoying. I need more cops like her, but less paperwork. How am I gonna get out of this?* He thought as he filled out another of the mounds of paper that completely covered his desk. *If I could find another Spider person that does work as fast as Spider Girl brings in crooks I'd be set. Although I'd be out of a job. Or would I...?* He pondered this for about an hour. *This is quite interesting. I need one more spider person. On who is smart, can do work with incredible speed.*   
  


***************   
  


Venom sat in the office of the police chief, "You want me to find a smart Spider person? IS THERE SUCH A THING!?!" Evan mentally laughed.   
  


"Ok, you are annoying, just like Spider Girl said you would be." The chief said, "But can you do work like she said?"   
  


Venom just stared blankly at the Chief, "Can _I_ do work _quickly_? Obviously you do not know about my unrivaled genius. I gave Spider Chick her powers!!!" Venom yelled, expanding his mouth to anime proportions. He then calmed down and allowed his electricity to sparkle slightly to confuse the Chief of Police.   
  


The chief was obviously shocked at the flowing electricity on the massive black hero. "H-How...?"   
  


Evan looked around, trying to find the thing that had shocked the chief, he turned to the police chief and laughed, "Oh the lightning! It's nothing! Just some borrowed powers that I'm keeping." The chief gave him a weird look and attempted to get back to business.   
  


"So will you do the pap..." Evan cut him off.   
  


"Have you ever smelt cheese?" Evan said with a serious look on his alien face.   
  


The police chief groaned and buried his head in his hands. "Why me?"   
  


"Well, cause your the only one here silly!" Evan said in a stereotypical gay voice. The police chief buried his head deeper, "Can I call you sally?" Evan asked in the same gay voice.   
  


The chief growled and then Evan looked serious. "So do I get the job?" The chief screamed.   
  


"YEEEESSS! YOU GET THE JOB JUST DO THE PAPERWORK AND GO HOME!! NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN!"   
  


"Then how will I know what work to do?" Evan asked with a confused look on his face, "And can I call you sally?"   
  


The chief smiled evilly. "I'll mail it to you." Evan smiled.   
  


"Thank you Sally." The chief then ran out of the room screaming. Evan's stupidity was getting to him. *My work here is done.* He thought with a smile.   
  


***********   
  


One week later Evan sat at home with a symbiote generated in and out box, the out box was overflowing and the in box was half empty, Evan was looking completely normal. He jotted down notes on the pages at symbiote increased speeds. *So far all super villains get death, all petty thieves get jail, and sexual molesters get sodomies.* He tapped a pen on his chin and smiled. "Justice is fun, and their all getting fair treatment."   
  


Just then Josh came in through the window in her Spider Girl/ Policewoman outfit. "Sup Evan?" She asked before walking into the kitchen for a bite to eat. "Don't forget about poker night tomorrow!" She called out to the black haired boy while she threw together a sandwich.   
  


"Well I've got more cash to lose. So I am looking forward to it." Evan said as he snaked a symbiote strand to sign another death warrant for a Super villain in custody.   
  


"Where did you get the cash?" Josh called out from the kitchen.   
  


"That job thingy at the Police station, Sally gave it to me." Evan snickered and got back to writing out sentences.   
  


"What job did you get?" Josh asked s she walked out of the kitchen with a sandwich in her hands.   
  


"Oh just some paperwork, only takes me a hour or so and it's good money." Evan said as he looked up from his work but the symbiote kept going.   
  


"What do you have to do?" She asked, looking over his shoulder at the papers. Evan shrugged.   
  


"I just get to decide all of the criminals that you captured's punishments and sentences. As well as criminals previously captured." Josh dropped her sandwich in shock, it landed on Evan's head, but he morphed and where the top of his head was, was now a huge Venom mouth devouring the sandwich.   
  


"ARE THEY NUTS!?!" Josh asked. She grabbed some of the papers in the out pile and started reviewing them frantically. "Seems fair, Seems fair, Seems fair, Seems fair, Sodomy? Seems fair, Seems fair, Seems fair. Wow, you actually did a good job. Though if I were you I would change the Sodomy thing."   
  


Evan shrugged again. "Seems fair! They get a taste of their own medicine."   
  


Josh frowned. "They probably enjoy it."   
  


Evan thought about that. "Good point." Evan used the symbiote to shuffle through the out pile and grab the Sodomy sheets. He removed the previous sentence, "Castration. Castration. Castration. Castration. How's that?" Evan said as he snaked another tentacle into the kitchen and produced an sandwich and held it up to Josh.   
  


Josh took the sandwich and started eating it, "seems better, but the public would frown on it, make up something a little more PG-13."   
  


"Oh, that's no fun." Evan held his chin, "How about death by stoning, and then castration?"   
  


"Too primitive."   
  


"An elaborate death plot that is easily escapable but somehow involves castration?"   
  


"How about nothing even remotely like castration?"   
  


"Hmmmm, It just might work. How about..." Evan smiled "CASTRATION!!"   
  


Josh threw her arms in the air and walked away. "I give up! It's your ass! Deal with it! I'm gonna phone my wife." Josh then pulled out her universal video phone and pushed speed dial #1.   
  


"Yes it is my ass. And a very fine one at that." Evan laughed and got back to work, "What do you think about ten years imprisonment and no chance of parol?"   
  


Josh growled at the boy while she walked over to the closet. "Go with it! I don't care! I'm trying to have video phone sex with Kasumi!" Josh then slammed the door to the closet and left Evan alone.   
  


"I guess I'll just use castration. If I get in crap they have to kick sally in the nuts first. Yes, It will work on so many levels." He nodded his head and thought of the crap that 'Sally' will be in. "Excellent." He said in his best Mr. Burns voice.   
  


****************   
  


Authors notes: {This chapter is kind of a filler. We'll be heading to the next universe very much later than you'd think. We've still got to meet all of the other heroes in the Marvel Universe. Let's not forget the ever loveable blue eyed Thing. Or the...uh...Thing. We'll meet the X-Men or something and maybe kill a few more villains along the way, like, every one we come across. What? What's that? You want to know why Evan is obsessed with Sodomies and castration? Well that is a disgusting and horrible secret that I, and you, hope he keeps to himself for a LOOOOOONG time. Let's drop that subject. Well if anyone has any sudgestions on what they'd like to see us encounter, just email me or put it down on my message board. Which Evan kindly put up on my website. I also sudjest you join his Anihigh roleplaying game. I'm playing a teacher. That's all from...wait a minute! No it's NOT! I've got lots more to say. Like this one time at band camp........}   
  


Morden Night: anime_morden@crystal-tokyo.com 

  
  


(The castration thing is not a long story Josh!! It all began when... Wait, I don't even know it!!! I have amnesia!!!!!WHO AM I!?!?!?! WHERE DO I COME FROM!?!?!?! WHAT DO I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!?!?!.... um, sorry about that. I got possessed by evil demons...yes that's it....demons. Anywho! Have you smelt cheese? Cause I did this one time and holy crap did it stink!!! ok, so yeah. I think Josh has not gone to band camp and if he does the world will surely end. Damn those flutes. So about my online message boardy thing that is called Anihigh. Basically you can be a student or a teacher, you do things in a story type action. There are no stats or dice. It's all your skill in writing. So yeah, join it. I will include a link on this chapter cause my website sucks ass. So thats all of my ranting and being possessed by demons for now. TA!!)   
  


Agasaki Ishano: agasaki@crystal-tokyo.com 

(if you acctually want to check out my fanfic site try this link.) 

(But don't say I didn't warn you of it's over whelming crappiness.)   
  


(JOSH-CHAN!)   
  


{ME-CHAN!}   
  


(YOU-CHAN!)   
  


{YOU-CHAN!}   
  


(ME-CHAN!)   
  


Kirby dance!!!   
  


(")(" )( ")(") (^^)   
  


{We're done now} 

(We are?) 

{Yes. Say goodbye Evan.} 

(Goodbye Evan!!!)   
  



	12. Goodbye

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Self Insertion   
  


This is a self insertion fic. It's pretty much me and my friend get into a Sliders type mix up. Cept we go to worlds like Animes and Cartoons and Movies and other stuff. Both of us are writing it as well so the Genre will fluctuate. Be warned, be afraid, be readin' my story please. And enjoy.   
  


Disclaimer: I don't own nothin! Cept me!   
  


* *: Thoughts   
  


Capital letters: Shouting or loud noises   
  


: Japanese   
  


_ _: Stressed words   
  


{ }: Josh's own thoughts   
  


( ): Evan's own thoughts and location   
  


Chapter 12   
  


GoodBye   
  


Josh sat in Ben's apartment watching TV. She was once again in her female form and was watching a whole bunch of anime that she had bought from a local comic store. She had rented a few Ranma 1/2 tapes which she was surprised existed in this universe. She yawned and took the tape she was currently watching out of the VCR. She turned on the regular TV and smiled when the news came on. "This ought to be a laugh." She noted as she sat on the floor in front of the TV. Just then the reporter looked over a piece of paper and looked shocked.   
  


"Oh my god! They're BACK!" The news anchor said. "I can't believe their BACK!" Josh smiled. She knew exactly what the girl was talking about.   
  


"I see the Fan Four and the Avengers are back in town." Josh noted. "Evan would love to talk to Reed."   
  


Evan dragged his arms across the floor as he walked from his room, "Evmhm wanna see NObody!! Evmhm seep now." the dark haired boy collapsed on the floor over dramatically.   
  


Josh eyed him and looked back to the screen, "I thought you might want to talk to Reed. He and the rest of the FF are back now you know."   
  


Instantly Evan was up and hopping on one foot. "Reed Richards!?! HERE!?! In New York!?!.... I'm gonna die." Evan back flipped into a comfy chair in the living room and put his hand to his chin. "How do I get out of this?"   
  


Josh shrugged, "It's your problem Evan. You did destroy their building."   
  


The symbiotic teen pondered this carefully, "Tis true. But the Venom DID destroy the 3rd quarter of the four freedoms plaza." Evan looked in dismay as a tendril of a viscous black liquid curled up and formed a Venom head in front of him. "But I am Venom now aren't I? Well doesn't this just ruin my day!"   
  


Josh shrugged. "Actually they don't take residence in four freedoms plaza again, they have some sort of base in the south pole for the first bit and then at pier four. You won't get in trouble. But you could find Reed and see if he can help us get back to the Ranma 1/2 universe."   
  


Evan looked over to josh. "Well aren't you greedy!!! And it's not even your birthday!!.... which makes no sense. But anywho. I will go see Reed to help us with our predicament." Evan melted down to a black puddle and oozed to the window to reform into Venom. "Be back for Supper!!!" Venom spun off a web line and swung out of the window, leaving Josh to her TV watching.   
  


******************   
  


Venom landed on Empire state university. *Where the heck is pier four!?! Symbiote, do you know?* A slight tingle told the muscular hero that it did. *Lead on!* He thought as he leapt off the roof of the campus dorm spinning out one of his now common electrical web lines, which sparkled and gave him a small light in the early morning.   
  


A short time later Venom landed on well lit building on the dock. *Well it is a pier isn't it? I guess that's right. Thanks symbiote.* A happy buzz in his head went off and Venom smiled. *Time to visit some people I barely know. Yeah!!!*   
  


Regular looking Evan knocked on the metal doors which was answered by a mass of orangy stone that was known as the Thing. Evan looked up at him and gulped, *If they were going back to the old FF building I would be soooo dead.* Evan thought as Ben looked him over.   
  


"Yah got business kid? Or is this another fanboy social call?" He asked in a gruff voice.   
  


"Um, kinda both. I need to talk to Reed about a multiuniversal problem I seem to be having, and I was thinking I could get him to help me with my universal quantum phase generation amplifier thingy." Ben looked confused.   
  


"Soooo Your the pizza boy?"   
  


"Yeah basically. So where's Reed I have a double cheese with his name on it." Evan said with a smile. Just then Reed popped out from behind Ben and, looking intrigued, asked Evan.   
  


"What's this about a universal quantum phase generation amplifier?" He asked.   
  


Evan looked a little sheepish. "Actually I kind of made it sound more important than it actually was. It's really just a multiverse transporter that I made. And me and my friend are stuck in this dimension when we need to be in another. Do you think you could help us out?" Evan looked hopeful.   
  


Reed smiled And stretched his arm out so that it grabbed Evan around the shoulders leading him inside. "I'd love to. We often have problems with alternate universes as well. Come into my lab and show me this device." Evan nodded and followed Reed into pier four.   
  


"Cool. Can I call a friend so he can see this. I think he would be interested in this type of stuff, and I'm his apprentice so I want him to be here." Evan asked of the stretchy scientist beside him.   
  


"Oh?" Reed asked. "Who is this friend of yours?"   
  


"Curt Conners, used to be the Lizard and still is... sort of." Evan said as he continued to keep pace with Reed.   
  


Reed put his hand on his chin. "Intriguing. I'd like to meet this Curt person. The name sounds familiar."   
  


"Ok, can I give him a call? He's in the city." Evan offered as he stopped to get Reed's answer.   
  


Reed stretched his arm out across most of the pier and picked up a phone from somewhere. He then pulled it back and handed it to Evan. "Be my guest."   
  


****************   
  


Josh smiled as she soared across the city on a goblin glider. *It's good I stole this from Norman before I killed him.* She thought. She was currently in her Spider Girl costume. She went up high and flew around in a seemingly sporadic and random pattern. When she moved away though the clouds of smoke she left behind said.   
  


"TORCH! MEET ME IN THE USUAL PLACE! 

SIGNED SPIDEY!"   
  


Josh then turned the goblin glider around and went in the direction of the statue of liberty.   
  


*****************   
  


Back at pier four "Hey Curt! I got us a brain storming session with Reed Richards!!" There was a blurb of excited sound over the phone, "Yeah, yeah, Get over here!.... Ok.... Sure.... Ok, Bye." Evan waited a sec and then handed the phone back to Reed, "He'll be over in a minute Reed. He said to start without him."   
  


Reed nodded and placed the phone back to where ever it had come from, "I look forward to meeting your friend." He then led Evan down a few halls towards his lab. "Now why don't you tell me about this problem of yours with the multiverse?"   
  


Evan shrugged, "Ok. It's mostly my friends problem. He got married to a girl in a parallel universe after a spell was read out loud at my school in what I refer to as universe 'A'. So now I'm in universe 'C' and want to get to A, but my friend desperately wants to go to B cause his wife is pregnant. It's quite interesting and I can't seem to find the way to go back to a previously visited universe. So I need your help." Evan breathed for a second and handed Reed the device that allowed him and Josh to shift universes.   
  


Reed looked the device over, "Hmmm, what are these numbers here?" He asked pointing to a screen that displayed eight red numbers.   
  


Evan shrugged. Those are what I call the quantum coordinates. They're basically the multiversal code for where this universe is, and the numbers underneath that in blue, are how much time we have left in this universe. I've managed to save the coordinates of this universe in the device but the coordinates of the last two are a whole nother story."   
  


Just then Johnny ran past the pair "see yah Reed! I just got an important message and I gotta head out." Reed nodded not really having heard what the boy had said.   
  


"So tell me this other person, did he come of his own free will?" Reed asked the boy beside him.   
  


Evan shrugged. "That's not the point."   
  


***************   
  


Johnny Storm, otherwise known as the human Torch, soared through the sky over the waters towards the statue of liberty. His entire body was set aflame and a trail of fire trailed behind him. He came up to the statue f Liberty and landed on it's head. He looked around a moment and thought to himself. *What if it's not really Spidey.* He thought. *What if it's just some ruse to get me here for fight? What if...*   
  


The Torches thoughts were cut off by a feminine voice behind him. "Hey Flame Brain!" the voice said. Torch turned around and set up a heat blast ready to barbecue anyone who might be behind him. What he saw shocked and surprised him. It was a girl, with nice curves and proportions, in a tight spandex, revised, Spider Man costume. Torch lowered his guard but looked confused as well.   
  


"Who the hell are you?" He asked. Spider Girl stepped forward and took off her mask, revealing a pretty young teenaged girl with short cropped blonde hair.   
  


"You don't recognize me flame brain? I'm hurt." She said sarcastically.   
  


Johnny's jaw dropped at the sight. "Sp...SPIDEY!?!" He asked bewildered. "W...What happened!?" He asked. Spidey sat down on the edge of miss liberties head and shrugged.   
  


"Let's just say that a LOT has happened since you guys left. It's good to see you back but it kind of sucks that we have to be reunited like this." She said, indicating her body.   
  


Torch sat down beside her and never took his eyes off of her. "What happened? How did you get like this?" He asked intrigued. Josh shrugged.   
  


"You're in the hero biz too so you believe in magic right?" Torch nodded.   
  


"Of course! Who in this business hasn't?" He asked with a roll of his eyes.   
  


Josh nodded. "And alternate realities?" She asked again.   
  


Torch chuckled. "Just came back from one."   
  


Josh smiled and pulled a paper bag out from behind her back. "Basically I got thrown into another dimension and got splashed with this magical water that permanently turned me into a female version of myself. The only real perk is that I'm extremely hot, and a lot faster."   
  


Torch nodded. "Yup. The only thing that's really happened to us is that our original home was destroyed. And were stuck living in Reeds storage house in pier four."   
  


Josh chuckled. "You know what's funny? Venom is the one who destroyed four freedoms plaza. It was during a fight I was having with him. He also stole a bunch of stuff from Reed's labs. So how's ben and the rest of the fam?" She asked with a smile.   
  


Torch frowned. "Remind me to seek out Venom and beat him up some time. Ben's same as ever, ol' rock head's just moping around most of the time about not being able to live where we used to. He blames the Thunderbolts. Sue's cool as usual, and Reed's boring and boring. That about sums it all up." Josh nodded. She then opened up the paper bag and pulled out a couple cheeseburgers.   
  


She held one out to Johnny. "Want one?" She asked.   
  


"No thanks." Josh shrugged and put one back in the bag, she then unwrapped the first one and started eating it. "What else's happened while we were away?" Johnny asked.   
  


Josh wiped her mouth on her sleeve and shrugged. "Not a whole lot concerning me. The Lizards a good guy, Mysterio's a good guy, Venom's a good guy, I'm a girl, there's a Spider Man clone running around, The Green Goblin's dead, Electro's dead... and that's about it." Torch looked surprised.   
  


"That's like...HALF of the main bad guys on your enemy list or something." Josh shrugged.   
  


"It's no big deal. I've still got lots left. It'll be a while before I can get rid of them all." Josh paused for a moment and there was a little bit of an awkward silence. "Sooo, Any pretty ladies in your life Torchie?" She asked.   
  


Johnny shook his head. "Not really."   
  


Joshes jaw dropped and she stared at Johnny in surprise. "WOW! You _have_ changed. Usually you can't get all of ladies off of you! Whatever happened to Johnny Storm the playboy?" Johnny blushed a little.   
  


"Whatever. I just got back from an alternate reality. I haven't had much time for stuff like that."   
  


Spider Girl snorted. "There's always time for the ladies."   
  


Johnny smirked and glanced at Spidey. "You know, that sounds odd now coming from you."   
  


Josh frowned and held up a finger at the smart mouthed storm. "Watch it boy, I'm married. My wife wouldn't really think too much of me if I went out picking up women." Johnny's jaw dropped again and he stared at the young girl beside him.   
  


"MARRIED!! WIFE!!?? When'd this happen?"   
  


Josh shrugged and started counting on her fingers. "Let's see, about......four months ago? Idon't know! Somewhere around there. She doesn't mind the fact that I'm a girl right now either, we just go about our normal lives. She's pregnant too."   
  


Johnny looked confused. "I don't see how that can work if you're both women."   
  


Josh shook her head. "NAW! It was before the curse when that happened."   
  


Johnny nodded in understanding. "I seee." Josh polished off the burger and then stood up.   
  


"Well I gotta go Torchy. I got to get to work soon."   
  


"Work?"   
  


"Yeah. I got a job as a cop. Best on the force." Josh pulled out a piece of paper from her pocket in her jacket and handed it to the Torch. "Here's my address and phone number. Friday's poker night if you want to join." Torch nodded.   
  


"Sure."   
  


Josh then spun a web line onto lady liberties arm and spun herself around, launching herself out as far as she could across the water. She pulled out a small device from her pocket and pressed a little red button on it. The goblin glider she had stolen then rushed to her side and she landed on it, flying the rest of the way home to Ben's apartment.   
  


***************   
  


The next Friday at Ben's apartment.   
  


Johnny storm looked at the small piece of paper in his hand and then up to the address on the door. "This is it." He muttered to himself. He then lifted his arm up and knocked on the door. A moment later the door was answered by Josh who was in her Spider girl uniform only without the mask on.   
  


"Hey matchstick you're just in time we just started super hero strip poker." Josh then grabbed Johnny and yanked him inside before he could protest. She then slammed the door. Inside the apartment, Venom, wearing a business suit for some reason, the lizard, Mysterio, and two Spider Men were all sitting at a circular table with their costumes on. Josh sat down to join them and then dealt out the cards including a hand for Johnny. "Sit down." She said.   
  


Johnny pointed to the two Spider men as he took his seat and looked a little confused. "I take it these are the clones you were talking about?" He asked Josh.   
  


Ben and Peter looked to Josh with angry faces hidden by masks. "CLONES!?!" They yelled at the same time.   
  


Venom looked at Josh seeming quite disappointed, "Josh, that was pretty low. I mean taking identities is wrong." Venom morphed into Reed Richards, "CAUSE I'M THE REAL REED RICHARDS!!!" He then shut his mouth and turn back into Venom with a steel bolt over his mouth. HE barely managed to get out a small comment, "I'll be quiet now."   
  


Josh shrugged. "I just warped the truth to the twenty fifth dimension to get Johnny to join us." Johnny frowned.   
  


"You could have just asked."   
  


Josh chuckled. "This way was more fun." Josh looked at her cards thoughtful for a moment and looked at Evan. "I raise you your Symbiote."   
  


Venom looked shocked, "MY SYMBIOTE!!! I can't just give away a part of me!!! I mean, Eddie died from giving this beauty away!!!... that and a cruel beating, but that's not the point. The point here is no!!! I'll bet Curt here. But not my symbiote!!" Curt glanced at Evan curiously.   
  


"You know you can't bet me." Evan put on a sad face and slowly morphed into chibi Venom.   
  


"PUHLEASSSEEE!" HE begged with a whimper.   
  


"NO!! I will not be bet!!!" Evan smiled and grew to normal size.   
  


"Ok, it's settled, I match your bet with Curt."   
  


Josh shook her head. "No. Just get the symbiote to detach from you for a bit. You won't die but if you don't...that's another story all together." Evan sighed.   
  


"But I'm naked underneath."   
  


Josh shrugged. "So? You loose that much quicker. Big deal. We all know what you'd do if you kept the symbiote on for the game." everyone nodded except Johnny and Evan gave up so that he wouldn't be beaten.   
  


"I raise you your mask." Johnny said to Spider Man, or at least the man with the older Spidey costume. Pete shrugged.   
  


"Okay."   
  


The night went on. The people lost clothes, and evan lost money because he lost all his clothes the first round. (Symbiote)   
  


At the end of the night there was a bunch of naked men and one girl, they began to argue. "JOSH YOU CHEATER!!!" Evan yelled. "I"M GOING TO THE OLD FF BUILDING!!!" With that he charged up his electricity and shot off in the general direction of the ruins of the four freedoms plaza. Screams of 'Look at that naked flying guy,' and 'is that electro, but naked?' echoed through the streets.   
  


"Johnny looked over to the money counting, unclothed spider girl. "Venom was right, you must be cheating. To test this I am going to deal out two hands, one for me and one for you. No bets, just play." Josh shrugged.   
  


"Or I could raise you the Fantasticar. BUT! If you win...you get my willing services to do anything you want for an entire year"   
  


Johnny looked suspiciously at the girl as he dealt out the cards. "Fine. That's five. You staying or will you draw?" Josh studied her cards, and then the deck.   
  


"Give me two cards please." Johnny dealt the cards. He drew three cards himself and dropped three of his other cards.   
  


"Draw?" Johnny asked.   
  


"NO, I'm good." Josh responded casually. Johnny nodded gravely, looking over his hand of three aces, and two kings.   
  


"Ok, drop em." Josh put down slowly, ten, jack, queen, king, ace. All spades. Johnny threw his cards to the floor. "YOU HAVE GOT THE SAME HAND ALL NIGHT!!!! SHOW YOUR SLEEVES!!!"   
  


"I don't have sleeves!" Josh protested. Johnny hung his head as Curt put a comforting hand upon the flaming torches shoulder.   
  


"Don't worry about it Johnny."   
  


"WORRY!!! I JUST LOST THE FANTASTICAR!!!!"   
  


Meanwhile at the four freedoms plaza.   
  


Evan brooded at in the remains of Reed's study. Books of mechanics strewn about the desk, *I will do something. I don't know what. But something will be done.*He held up a book on bio-mechanics, *Ohh, this could be good!* In a matter of minutes he had put to heart the information on the pages and had started to work on some sketches of his next invention.   
  


************   
  


"WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Josh yelled as she flew around New York in the FANTASTICAR. She had modified it earlier by painting the sides to have big Spidey eyes instead of a four. She wasn't in her Spider Girl costume at the moment she was in a police uniform. All of a sudden she heard a voice on the police radio she had installed in the car.   
  


"Robbery in progress on main street."   
  


Josh frowned. "This is a job for...the police...ROOOOXANNE YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP A RED LIGHT!!" Josh then pulled out a police siren with a little red spinning light and stuck it to the side of the FANTASTICAR. Headed towards the crime scene.   
  


*************   
  


At PIER FOUR   
  


"YOU BET THE FANTASTICAR!!!!!" Reed yelled in disbelief. "NOW HOW ARE WE GOING TO TRAVEL AS A TEAM!!!!"   
  


Johnny shrugged, "You could build a new one." He offered meekly.   
  


"BUILD A NEW ONE!!! I DON"T HAVE THE RESOURCES I HAD A FOUR FREEDOMS PLAZA JOHNNY!!! You are going to have to ask Spider Girl for it back!!" Johnny slouched and started towards the door.   
  


"Flame on." He muttered as he reached the exit of pier four. Johnny began to slowly lift off the ground and then took off into the horizon.   
  


Reed scratched the back of his head "Kids these days, betting the car. What's next?"   
  


*******************   
  


At four freedoms plaza. "Done." Evan said as he stopped channeling his electrical energies. "My suit is done." He looked down on the small gem before him. "All I have to do is fuse this beaut with my skin. No prob." He held the crimson gem up to his chest and began to charge up a massive electrical charge. The gem's crimson surface began to liquify and black swirls began moving around in intricate patterns. Then Evan released the charge into the technological core of the gem. The gem shot out of the youths hand and imbedded it's self, colours still swirling, into his chest. Evan let out a yell of agony as his flesh seemed to smolder and lines of black and crimson began rippling on his now dark skin. Electricity shot in random directions and kicked up dust. A few minutes later the dust cleared revealing the new Evan. He stepped from the dust, crimson armor glistening. He ran a large, clawed hand over his smooth head. Feeling his face he realized everything had worked. "It's done." He muttered in a menacing tone, his voice deepened greatly.   
  


He felt the sharp edges of the spikes on his arms, jutting out just before the elbow. The broad, muscular chest plating that opened to reveal two concave lens. He concentrated his electrical energies and much to his pleasure the lens began to vibrate and turn dark with energy. Then he walked to a mirror to better look at himself. "Excellent. It's perfect." He exclaimed as he looked himself up and down. His face now devoid of emotions and features except for the piercing black eyes that burned with an evil red hue in the center. Two orbs wavered slightly on his head and he felt every movement around him. The sensation overwhelmed him for a while and he push a book over just to feel the air move around the book and hit the ground with a thump. He bent down and noticed his spined knee caps. His entire back was covered in similar spines that extended out four inches long each. The he decided to test his flight capabilities. He ran to the window at sub sonic speed and launched himself off of the building, extending his arms and smiling when the spines on his back melded into his body and regrowing between his arms and sides, creating thin wings that caught the updrafts of warm air in the city and kept him afloat. *Time to test the capabilities.* Evan thought as he flew off in the direction of main street. *Always some crimes on main street.*   
  


**************************   
  


Josh flew up to a bank and landed the FANTASTICAR on the curb. She hopped out of the tub-like flying machine and walked towards the bank. She pulled out her gun and walked towards the entrance. Some other police and some reporters tried to stop her but she walked right by them and into the bank. The female reporter faced the camera and then spoke into it.   
  


"Good lord one of the defiant police officers has just entered the bank where Whirlwind, an old Avengers foe is holding up the bank."   
  


A moment later Josh smiled as she tied up Whirlwind with her webs. "All in a days work." She noted to herself. She then looked thoughtful. "This situation seems familiar." She muttered to herself. She heard a crash behind her and then turned around to see ALL of the Avengers standing in a hole in the wall.   
  


"AVENGERS ASSEM...ble?" They all seemed to trail off.   
  


Josh smiled and waved politely. "Hiya! I beat up whirly here pretty bad so you guys beating him up would be kind of pointless." Hawkeye looked around and then just stared at Josh.   
  


"You're just a cop." He said amazedly.   
  


Josh frowned at Hawkeye. "What you think Super Heroes are the only ones who can stop a super powered villain?" Nobody said anything. Josh shrugged. "Okay so you're right. But I am going to have to write you guys up for destroying that wall. That's public property and don't think that just because you're famous you can get away with vandalism." Josh then pulled out a little flip pad and wrote out all of the names of the Avengers involved with the wrecked wall.   
  


Hawkeye boggled at this "YOU'RE WRITING UP A POLICE REPORT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" He asked in absolute shock.   
  


Josh frowned and pointed at him angrilly. "HEY! NOBODY IS ABOVE THE LAW! I DIDN'T WRITE IT I JUST WORK FOR IT SO BACK OFF BEFORE I ARREST YOU FOR HARASSING AN OFFICER!" Hawkeye backed up a little surprised.   
  


*Hmmm This girl is too young to be a police officer...she's hiding something.* Hawkeye thought. *Maybe cap wouldn't mind if...Hmmm*   
  


A brief swish of wind moved the hair of all around. Everyone turned to face the source of the wind, all ready to face a villain, Hawkeye returned to thinking, *Did Whirlwind wake up? Or is this a new villain?* The gathered heroes watched the small cloud of dust settle, readying for the anticipated battle.   
  


The dust cleared revealing a crimson clad man, or more like a youth. *Judging by height, I'd say this guy is like 19ish. And he seems cocky...* The crimson warrior looked around, he brought a hand up to where his mouth should have been and emitted a deep laugh.   
  


"HAHAHAHA!!! OH GOD!!! IT'S The _Mighty_ Avengers!! You guys SUCK!!!! You hear me? SUUUUCKKK!!!!" The crimson armoured person then steped down from the ledge he had been standing on, "Hey Josh." He then walked up to Hawkeye, "You know Hawkeye, you are probably the only non corny Avenger. And for that I respect you, but the rest of you SUUUCKK!!!" He pointed a clawed finger into the crowd of heroes, "that's right you suck and you know it. Justice is ok, Quicksilver is cool cause his dad is Magneto and he's hella cool. Firestar is freaken hot!!" He gave a thumbs up to Justice, "Way to go man. You know how to pick up."   
  


Hercules and Namor seemed extremely agitated by the new comer and expressed this in the form of violence. Namor and Hercules Bowled Evan over and they both landed tons of super powered punches on the boy. "MOCK THE NAME OF THE AVENGERS!! AND THE AVENGING SON NAMOR!?! YOU'LL PAY FOR THINE INSOLENCE!!" Namor screamed. All of a sudden thick strnds of webbing covered Namor and Hercules.   
  


"ALL RIGHT THAT'S IT! THAT IS PHYSICAL ABUSE AND IN THE EYES OF THE LAW IS A JAILABLE OFFENSE! TO DO SO IN FRONT OF AN OFFICER TO AN INNOCENT BYSTANDER IS STUPIDITY INCARNATE!!" Josh screamed at the two oafs. She wrote up a ticket and then locked the both of them up in new adamantium cuffs she had gotten curt to create for her. "I'm taking you two in."   
  


Hawkeyes jaw dropped. "My GOD! She just arrested two of the heaviest hitting AVENGERS!! She does not fear god."   
  


The crimson hero shrugged and approached Hawkeye, "I think she's atheist, but that's not the point. She might just be able to kick the crap out of all of you. So you tell the rest of these pansies not to try any shit." Evan then approached Josh, "Thanks for the assist, I could have taken them... but I don't know to many of the none fatal capabilities of this new suit. So yeah, what do you think?" He said spreading his arms and twirling on one foot. "Nice suit or no?"   
  


Josh admired it for a moment. "Nice. Much more stylish and futuristic than the symbiote. That things really old fashioned. If I ever see you imitate Judge Judy again though... Just watch your back."   
  


Evan put up his armored arms defensively. "I know! I know! I'll never do it again."   
  


Josh nodded and then picked up Whirlwind and the two grumbling avengers to bring them to the FANTASTICAR so she could drive them off to the station.   
  


Evan turned to Darkhawk, "I like the suit, hope you don't mind me taking some ideas from it. Cause I did."   
  


Darkhawk looked at the crimson kid, "Sure, glad you like my costume... I think." He muttered, still in shock from the arrests of his teammates. Evan picked up on this instantly.   
  


"Don't worry about them Darky, I'm thinking me, you and Moonknight create a little team. We could beat anything!! You think about that. I just got to find Moonknight..." Evan phased out for a second, "now I had the comics of Moonknight around this time... What was he doing?" He muttered in a low voice holding one hand to his chin, "Wasn't he helping the Punisher beat up his brother... or was it Moonknight's brother... I'll never get that straight!! So Darky? Wanna join my little shindig? We'll toast marshmallows! On Specter's budget! Can't get better than free marshmallows!!" Evan started tapping Darkhawk in the side saying "Eh, Eh." Over and over until Darkhawk finally caved.   
  


"Great!! Let's go find Moonknight!!" Evan was crouched down to jump into the air to start flying, when Hawkeye put a hand on his shoulder.   
  


"Look, you come in here. Start poking fun at the Avengers of all people, get two of us imprisoned, and now start picking away at our team! Who do you think you are!?!" Evan pondered this for a moment and then responded.   
  


"The question is, who do _YOU_ think _YOU_ are? I mean, parading around in SPANDEX!! At least Darkhawk here has some decency!!! He wears armor that doesn't _BULGE_ when a certain area gets happy!!! You avengers and breaking the law. You all need to be slapped with a big Indecent Exposure charge!! Except those with armor... and the chicks, I mean, chicks in spandex!! God!! You must be gay not to enjoy that!!" Some of the male avengers smiled and nodded in agreement, receiving glares promising a long death from the female members of the team. "Ok, we still going to make a team Darkhawk?" The hero nodded. Evan glared at Hawkeye. "You look gayest of all, I mean... _PURPLE__SPANDEX_... Think about that just for a second."   
  


"Sorry guys, but the team was getting too crowded anyways." Hawkeye nodded.   
  


"Ok Darkhawk, do what you will."   
  


Evan looked at Hawkeye, "Your still pretty cool Hawkeye, but put on a jock or something. K? For humanity."   
  


***************   
  


Later at Specter Mansion. Evan knocked on the large oaken door. "Is anybody home!!!" He yelled as he pounded harder and harder on the door untill it consequentialy broke wide open.   
  


Evan looked at the splintered remains of the door, "oops. Um, come on Darkhawk, I guess we can go in. Or can I call you Chris, you know, between friends." Darkhawk looked shocked.   
  


"H-How did you know my name!??!" Evan shrugged.   
  


"In my realm of existence we call them comics, ever heard of one?" Darkhawk nodded in awe.   
  


"You mean I have a comic book in your world? Are you serious ... I'm famous ?!?"   
  


"No, not really. Your series was cancelled and I think my little brother was the only one whining to get it back. Don't worry though, you get some one shots here and there." Darkhawk looked sad beneath his mask.   
  


Just then Mark Specter, in full Moon Knight garb appeared at the door ready for battle. When he spotted Darkhawk he calmed down slightly, "Ok Darkhawk, what is going on that you would break down my door?" Evan stepped forward and offered a hand.   
  


"I'm uhh, I don't have a super person name yet... So call me Venom, cause that's who I used to be untill I lost the symbiote in a bet." Mark blinked.   
  


"Ok, what are you talking about and why did you break my door?" He said pointing to the splinters.   
  


Evan shrugged, "I know you work solo generally, but I was wondering if you would join my little shindig of evil fighting. Please? For a fan?"   
  


Moon knight looked instantly interested, "A fan you say?" Darkhawk looked a bit angry.   
  


"Your _HIS_ fan but not mine!?!" Evan nodded.   
  


"Yeah, cause Moon Knight has a better writer. Your guy sucked ass, and I mean pure ass. Now if you had J.M.S on your side, then you would be sweet. But none the less your powers are cool and would be an essential part of this thingy I'm trying to put together." Darkhawk rubbed his chin.   
  


"Well ok. I guess thats a good point." Mr. Specter seemed very confused.   
  


"Ok, who is J.M.S? And why do you want me to join?" Evan formed a chair out of his back spikes and sat down.   
  


"Well, first off, I like your style. You fight with expertise that even I have yet to master. The fact that you will need help against your psycho brother, who will return from the presumed grave and haunt you unless you end his life or team up with the ruthless Punisher. Plus you have the resourses to make this team great." Mark pondered this.   
  


"My brother is coming back? I thought I saw him die..." Evan shrugged.   
  


"Great plot idea from the people at marvel, your brother, whom you thought was impaled on a tree was not actually your brother for a reason I cannot remember at this given time, he will be around in a matter of days so I will get a refresher on that. Plus there is a cult of the Moon and you will need some new armor for that, preferably something spiked but light and bullet proof. Now the Punisher will meet with us in the temple of the moon after some Aim weapons. He will be of great service, trust me. I know Darkhawk doesn't like his style and you won't either but he is a good fighter and will be a great benefit to the team." Evan stopped and breathed for a bit to let the information sink in.   
  


Moonknight looked at the armor clad boy strangely. "And I should believe you why?" He asked.   
  


Evan shrugged, "Probably cause I'm right. But you know, that whole being right thing is so over-rated."   
  


Moonknight just stared at him. "Alright, I'll listen to you for now, but if your lieing!" He got a menacing look on his face and brought his index finger across his neck and made a ripping sound.   
  


Evan barely kept from laughing, "Ok fine mister executioner knight of vengeance person. Just don't kill yourself for my mistakes." Moonknight raised an eyebrow under his mask.   
  


"Huh!?! What is he talking about?" He questioned of Darkhawk, who responded with a shrug.   
  


Evan slapped the two on the backs and led them inside, "Your a rich guy right? So you must have some cool ass video games."   
  


****************   
  


Josh smiled as she came out of the interrogation room. She had just gotten both of them to confess to several crimes that would keep them in jail for a good twenty years. "No one escapes my justice." Josh looked at her watch and then sighed. "Ohh it's my lunch break." Josh then headed out to go to the daily grind.   
  


When she got there Ben, and everyone else at the daily grind was looking at her weirdly. Josh looked around confused. "What?" She asked the crowd of people.   
  


"IT'S HER!" Screamed a few people, reporters then burst through the doors of the small diner and started asking Josh questions while the cameramen picked it all up on tape.   
  


"What's it like to arrest two Avengers?" 

"What fates do these people have?" 

"Will you arrest any other avengers?" 

"How long are they in for?" 

"Where did you get a FANTASTICAR!?!"   
  


Josh walked over to Ben and smiled at him. "So how's Desiree? You guys still dating?"   
  


Ben smiled, "Yeah actually, I'm thinking of proposing to her." He responded.   
  


Josh looked shocked and webbed all of the reporters to a wall. "That was quick. You really falling for the girl eh?"   
  


Ben rubbed the top of his head and blushed a bit, "Yeah, I guess I am." Josh put a hand on Ben's shoulder.   
  


"Well Good for you buddy!! Glad to see you and Des happy! So when are you going to pop the question?" Ben shrugged.   
  


"I'm waiting for the right moment, you know, trying to start it off to a great beginning." Josh nodded.   
  


"Yeah, I remember when I got married, best thing to happen to me." This got Ben's courage up a bit.   
  


"Yeah, I'm thinking I'll have a big traditional wedding. Church and flowers and all." Josh nodded.   
  


"Again, I'm glad your making this decision, and I enjoy talking to you and all, but there are some Avengers that ned jailing. So I guess It's bye for now, K?" Ben nodded.   
  


"Work before pleasure huh? Well to bad, I guess I'll catch you later. See ya!" Ben watched as Spider Girl walked out the door.   
  


Josh paused after she climbed into the FANTASTICAR and paused for a second, *He's a good kid. He'll make a great father and husband to Desiree.* Then he started towards the station whistling a happy tune.   
  


Just then as Josh was flying through the air a pinkish blue glow surrounded the car and Kasumi appeared. However she missed the FANTASTICAR and fell to the ground below. Josh dived out of the FANTASTICAR and caught her pregnant wife, while swinging away, as the FANTASTICAR smashed into the side of a building completely destroying it.   
  


Josh smiled as he swung into a back alley. She kissed Kasumi on the lips and smiled. "Hows little Morden doing?" She asked. Kasumi looked confused.   
  


"Who's Morden?" Josh smiled.   
  


"I thought it would be a cool name for the baby. Why? What were you thinking?" Kasumi shrugged.   
  


"I was thinking of naming her after Akane, or Nabiki, maybe even our mother Kimiko."   
  


Josh frowned. "The baby's a girl? Wait a minute. Nabiki, or Kimiko I can see, But Akane is the LAST name I would give that kid. She'd be sure to turn out as a pure brat."   
  


Kasumi shrugged. "I guess. She's due in another couple months."   
  


Josh smiled and then thought of something. "Did you get the doctors to find out the sex of our kid?"   
  


Kasumi smiled. "I just have a feeling it's gonna be a girl."   
  


Josh shrugged and grabbed her wife around the waist. "It doesn't matter to me. Male or Female I'm gonna love the little bugger." They then kissed passionately... let's skip the rest of the details and move on back to... the end of the chapter.   
  


***********   
  


Author's notes: {I got lazy.}   
  


(Yes, yes you did. At least I get to run through some Moon Knight stuff. Yeah for me. Yeah I just re-read the series and it is cool, Randel Specter aka Shadow Knight is in it so it will be neato to fight an invulnerable guy. And what has happened to Evan/Venom. Will I get my symbiote back in the short time that we are here in this marvel universe, and will I get more symbiotic stuff? All this remains to be seen, so till then true believers of this crap that we are writing. BYE!!!... and just for a friend of mine SHISSSNAKKKK!!!!)   
  


{This is a Crappy Self Insertion that we wrote just for fun. We never even meant for other people to read it. This isn't really what I would do if I was in the Ranma, or Marvel-Verse. In case anyone wants to know... I will be writing another self Insertion fic that won't suck. I'll even put it on my main page.}   
  


Agasaki Ishano: agasaki@crystal-tokyo.com 

Morden Night: anime_morden@crystal-tokyo.com 


	13. Enter Shadow Knight, Exit Guys?

Check out the NEW Hotbot Tell me when this page is updated 

Self Insertion   
  


This is a self insertion fic. It's pretty much me and my friend get into a Sliders type mix up. Cept we go to worlds like Animes and Cartoons and Movies and other stuff. Both of us are writing it as well so the Genre will fluctuate. Be warned, be afraid, be readin' my story please. And enjoy.   
  


Disclaimer: I don't own nothin! Cept me!   
  


* *: Thoughts   
  


Capital letters: Shouting or loud noises   
  


_ _: Stressed words   
  


{ }: Josh's own thoughts   
  


( ): Evan's own thoughts and location   
  


Chapter 13   
  


Enter Shadow Knight, Exit Guys?   
  
  
  


Evan sat at the 40' plasma screen, high definition, Dolby Digital Surround Sound Big Screen T.V in the Specter living room. He nodded and turned to Marc, who was out of costume, "You have this big system, and you don't even have a normal Nintendo? May I ask why not?" Marc shrugged.   
  


"I guess I never needed something to pass the time, I mean I'm always fighting villains and managing my own mega corporation. I don't really have time for the small thing like Nintendo." tisk tisked the muti-millionaire.   
  


"Marc my friend, you just don't get it do you?" The man looked confused, Evan began to elaborate. "You see, video games are even played, not well mind you, by the Punisher and his aide Micro. You see, Batman probably played video games, Chris, you play video games on occasion right?" Chris nodded. "See. He plays video games. Buu played video games, of course Hercule exploded them with T.N.T but that's not the point, Ghost Rider I think played video games." Evan stopped to ponder this and Marc took advantage and cut in.   
  


"Ok, first, I don't see your point. Second, who is Batman, Buu, and Hercule? And Ghost Rider? Playing video games? I think not." Evan waved a finger in front of the skeptical rich man.   
  


"My point is clear, to catch up with the times, you must play video games. Batman is a hero in another universe that sucks. Buu and Hercule are anime characters created by that genius Akira Toriyama. And yes Ghost Rider, not as Ghost Rider of course but his secret identity which escapes me at the moment, must have played video games. It is only logical." Marc put a hand to his chin thoughtfully when a rustle in the bushes by the window caught the trio's attention.   
  


Evan touched his chest and sharp spikes covered his body and retracted revealing his crimson armor. Chris did similar but became Darkhawk with out the spikes and with a small surrounding of purplish-green energy. Marc ripped off his outer garments and covered his face with his mask and hood. The window that had drawn their attention slid open slowly and revealed a shocked man in a rubber mask that had a gruesome elongated features and a red tattoo of a sort of arrow that pointed downwards. Evan laughed.   
  


"Hey Randell!" He cheerily yelled as he approached the false avatar of Khonshu. "How are you? Surprised that we were ready for you? And don't you think your brother should play video games?" Randell looked really confused.   
  


Evan nodded, "I know, it is confusing. How could a man live without video games?" the masked maniac just glared at Evan.   
  


He swung an axe that he had been carrying at the crimson clad youth, who allowed it to glance harmlessly off his armor. "Not talkative? To bad, I guess I'll just have to spill your guts for you." Evan looked sympathetic to the man as he put his hands together and formed a large lance-like protrusion at the end of them and ran it straight through Marc's brother. "Well, I guess that didn't help you talk did it, cause I think I punctured one of your lungs."   
  


Marc looked shocked, "H-How could you do that." Evan shrugged.   
  


"It's all a mater of physics my friend, you see if I force electrons to flow outwards and happen to have an adamantium particle fused to that electron it will move with it to create this lovely lance type thing."   
  


Marc's jaw dropped down, "You killed him. You killed my brother." Evan nodded.   
  


"That I did, but it is for the better, now you can take his place because you two look quite similar. This way you can receive a painful but beneficial treatment that renders you invulnerable providing you don't fight Wolverine."   
  


Marc considered this. "You still killed my brother, but I suppose for the sake of Khonshu I should receive this to become the rightful avatar." Evan forced the armor around his face down and smiled.   
  


"Now you are looking at the good points, besides he would have crippled Frenchie, and wounded Marlene without any remorse. And trust me, I didn't like having to shed blood. It's not a favorite past-time."   
  


Marc nodded. "Well I guess I should dress like my brother and head to that church of Khonshu."   
  


Evan put a reassuring hand on Marc's shoulder. "And just so you know, Khonshu isn't the god of vengeance, you miss read it. He is the god of Justice." A beeping went of in Evan's armor. "Um.. Got to go. Have fun with Punisher, and keep this group going. It will get you two on the charts." With that Evan reformed all of his armor back to normal and ruched outside and took off in the direction of the police station. *Ten minutes to find Josh. Better make them count. Please be at the station...*   
  


***************   
  


Josh smiled as she locked up the last of the Avengers. "Not too bad." Just then the Police chief came running down the halls and grabbed Josh by the shoulders angrily.   
  


"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!!"   
  


Josh looked confused. "Meaning of what? Meaning of life? Meaning of pie? Meaning to get back to you but never returned your call? What?"   
  


The police chief looked furious! "YOU ARRESTED THE AVENGERS!!!!"   
  


Josh looked depressed. "Yeah I know, I couldn't find the X-Men, The Punisher OR Ghost Rider."   
  


"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ARRESTING SUPER HEROES!!??!!" He screamed at Josh. Josh smiled and calmly stated.   
  


"They were breaking the law."   
  


The police chief started screaming random Gibberish. Josh continued. "The Hulk was kind of a pain to catch every time he talked my brain threatened to explode. There should be a law against that kind of idiocy."   
  


Evan smiled as he burst through a nearby window. "Too true. Now come with me if you want to see your wife again, we got three minutes before the portal opens, let's get back to the apartment."   
  


Josh and Evan jumped out of the window and back towards Ben's apartment.   
  


"AFJDJTAJTHHHHGAHHH JJAABBERWAOKIE GOURANGA KFDKASTJ TKDSRTKSRFTSD" Said the police chief.   
  


**************   
  


Josh and Evan waved goodbye to Curt, Mysterio, Ben and Desiree, Peter and Mary Jane. "See yah. We've got to go to the next universe. Hopefully we'll be close to our original." Josh said.   
  


Evan smiled, "Doesn't next universe sound cool. Anyway, it's been fun. I honestly didn't mean to kill Electro, or put you half out of business Pete. Well, I guess that's goodbye from me. Don't miss me too much."   
  


Evna then looked down to the counter and noticed that it was time to go. He pressed the button, activating the portal and then Josh jumped into it using her biggest Spidey jump. She screamed, "ROCKETS FROM THE SOCKET!!" as she jumped and took of like a bullet.   
  


"Damn that Decency Squad. Well once again, bye." Evan was about to casually stroll through the portal when from under the couch came a black blur that latched onto Evan, pushing him into the portal. "PIECE OF SHIT!!!! Who tossed the poo at me!?!" Nobody had time to reply as Evan got sucked through the portal, and it closed up.   
  


Just then Johnny storm flew through the window. "Has anyone seen the FANTASTICAR?" He asked.   
  


**************   
  


SLAM! Josh regretted her Spidey Jump. She had just been thrown into the wall and fell into a river unconscious. The tide then sent her down stream. Moments later Evan landed down on the ground face first, hitting his head off some sort of...disk thing that got stuck to his head.   
  


"AHHH I've got poo on me!! And a frisbee!! God hates me... wait a minute... this poo is bonding with me... And there is a wussy kid standing in front of me, and I'm narrating myself.... And big monsters.... oh yes, Zoianoids I remember them from.... GUYVER!!!" Just as he screamed Guyver unit one began to move on his head, wrapping it's self around his head and latching into his skin, fusing with both the Symbiote and his crimson armor creating a large mass of energy, crimson spikes and black ooze protruded from every point of his body. He yelled in pain as he felt his brain become one with the control metal and his flesh meld together with the bio strands of the three suits. He collapsed in a heap of black, spiky, moving armor that had strands constantly running in and out of him, as if stitching the boy together.   
  


The girl that had been standing beside the wuss, who's name was Sho collapsed at the sight of this and Sho almost did the same. Evan looked confused, "Excuse me wuss, I have three voices in my head, could you keep it down so I can hear them?" Sho realised he was screaming like a pansy and shut up. "Great thanks. Now what the hell are you talking about Venom? NO WE WILL NOT EAT HIS BRAINS!!! Yes Guyver we will kill the Zoianoids, now be quite and let me think!!! Crimson stuff I made, please calm these two down." Evan breathed deeply and noticed his now massively muscular chest. "Damn I'm buff. Wake up the chick so I can ask her what she thinks." Sho almost jaw dropped.   
  


"N-No, I won't wake her up!! I love her!!" Evan held his gut as he laughed at the wuss.   
  


"Ok, You love her right?" He asked between laughs. "Now wake her up before these friendly monsters kill her." Evan smiled in a twisted way, which was now the only way he could smile do to Venom's overly large mouth.   
  


Sho responded to Evan's demand. "Now what?" He asked in a scared voice.   
  


Evan put a hand to his chin, which he noticed had little crimson spikes on it. "Well, idiot, I'd say running is still an option. Don't worry, I won't tell your mommy that you were out this late. NOW GO!!!!!" Evan bellowed as the boy acted quickly carrying the girl with him. "Yah freaken pansy." Evan turned and faced the Zoianoids who had finally caught up to the Guyver unit.   
  


Evan waved kindly, "Hi! Can you direct me to your intestines? Cause I think they are going for a trip soon and I want to say goodbye." Evan rushed the first Zoianoid and gutted him from groin to sternum, spilling his insides in a gory mess. "You there." He said as he pointed at one Zoianoid with large shoulders. "You shoot little beams out of there don't you?" The Zoianoid nodded, kind of nervous as he eyed his dead comrade. "Just asking." Evan swept his right arm in a broad sweep and decapitated him and two other of the monsters. The other creatures ran for their lives.   
  


Evan sat down amidst the gore, "Basterds ran away. Leaving me with nothing to do. Stupid Zoiadorks, Kill them all. Then kill sho and take his chick." Evan nodded, "Yeah I'll do that."   
  


Venom then spoke up inside his head. *BUT FIRST WE...EAT... THEIR... BRAINS!!!" Evan shrugged. "NO!!! WE...EAT..TAKE OUT!!!" Nobody argued and they went out for take out...happily ever after.   
  


************   
  


A busty girl walked by the river skipping stones, completely oblivious to the noise of the fight just moments before. "La la lalala lalala lalala..." She sang as she tossed a stone into the river, but instead of making a spash it made a thud, which was followed by a low, masculine groan. "Oh!! W-Who's there?" she asked the dark. Another groan followed and she noticed a man on the shore, face just below the water. "Oh my! That man is drowning!! I should save him!! Cause that's what it says to do in my lifeguard manual... or does it?" She pulled out a small booklet and started flipping pages. "Step one, make sure that the person is alive... got it." The girl cupped her hands, "HEY MISTER!!! YOU ALIVE!?!?!" She yelled at the body. She received a groan as a response. "I guess that's a yes. Next, take the person ashore and revive him or her... Ok I can do that." She grabbed the man underneath his arms and hauled him onto the shore, seeming to purposely hit every rock or rough patch of ground in the way to the grass. "EWWWW! Mouth to mouth!!! Yuck!... well I guess for the sake of this man." She bent down and held the man's nose in one hand and slowly brought her mouth down to his, just as he regained consciousness.   
  


He grabbed the back of her head and muttered, "Thank you, it was amazing... I think." The girl's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates when she realized that he was awake. The blonde haired boy looked confused and looked around. "W...Where am I? Who are you? Why were you kissing me? Are you my girlfriend or something?"   
  


The girl looked confused. "B...Boyfriend?" She asked. "W...What's your name?"   
  


Josh smiled. "Jim...No...Johnny....No....Jill?...No that's a girls name isn't it...Joe, Jacob, Jason, Jeremy? OH MY GOD!! I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM!!!"   
  


The girl all of a sudden looked depressed. "Oh you poor dear... You've got amnesia...I think. You're name is...Tetsunori Higashishima. You are my... boyfriend...aaaaaaand, you've been living with...me...for three years." She then muttered under her breath. "Yeah that should do for now."   
  


The blonde haired boy looked happy. "YOU'RE RIGHT!! YOU MUST BE RIGHT!! You are my girlfriend after all." The girl chuckled nervously. Tetsunori grabbed the back of his neck and rubbed it... "But I forgot your name."   
  


The girl nodded. "Oh yeah... I'm Yu."   
  


Tetsunori looked confused. "You're me?"   
  


"No my name is yu. Not you." Tetsunori, previously Josh, looked confused again.   
  


"You're name is Tetsunori?"   
  


"NO! It's YU. Y. U."   
  


Tetsunori nodded. "OOOOHHH! Yu." Tetsunori then looked confused again. "We're we on our way to a movie? Or we're we just going to make out here near the water?" Tetsunori then muttered under his breath... "Ooooh Romantic."   
  


Yu sighed. "At lest he's cute... wait till the girls all see the caucasian stud I bagged myself. A boyfriend with no memory... He's completely shapable... I can have my way with him whenever I want."   
  


Tetsunori was currently walking around in a circle confused. "Where is home? Me tired. Head hurting." Tetsunori then looked over to Yu. "Honey? Do I have any hobbies or things I love to do?"   
  


Yu began laughing maniacally.   
  


**************   
  


"Ok, first. Find Josh. Second, get out of here. Third, pick up. Fourth, play video games.... Wait, play video games first." Evan said out loud because his head had to much noise pollution. He stomped away from the Chinese restaurant he had just raided and made his way across the street, stopping traffic on both sides. "Damn Japanese drivers, can't drive with their squinty eyes." He turned to a car that just started honking at him and used his fingers to close his large eyes into a squint. He then started into a heavy Japanese accent. "MY EYE SOOOO SQUINTY!!! I CAN NO SEE ROAD IN FRONT OF ME AND HONORABLE CLAN MEMBERS!!!... why the hell did I just say honorable clan members?" Evan rubbed his spiked chin and resumed walking to the arcade across the street.   
  


When Evan entered the arcade he got the response he had wanted, little Japanese children ran around him and between his legs as he screamed "I AM GORJIRAAAAA!!! FLEE MY WRATH!!!!" He started flinging electrical blast in random direction, and Sailor Moon video games.   
  


Once the area was cleared he morphed into normal Evan and found, much to his pleasure, that the symbiotic voices died down, almost to nothingness and he was more muscular than he had originally been. *Damn I'm sexy.* He thought as he zapped a Street Fighter EX 3 arcade machine, starting it to the character selection. He picked Vega and started playing. *Now if only Vega had more chi control...* he thought as Vega took a full on Hadoken. *That's it!! I'll just re-program this game giving Vega higher everything, cause man Vega rules. He got to fight Chun Li when she was almost neked. He da man.* He thought as he zapped open the arcade machine and popped out the cartridge that held the Street Fighter game. He extended a symbiotic strand and began fiddling inside the cartridge. "Higher speed, Hadoken, electro claws, ability to deal damage equal to the number of electrons passed between Vega's claws and the person who touches it, and the game can now take up to fifteen players at a time. Now to hook up some other machines with the same control set up and get this show on the road." Evan used the speed of his Crimson suit to gather a few other machines and create a circle of machines, all hook up with each other through makeshift LAN cables, which he then fused together with the Guyver unit's laser cannon, (on the head)and some good old electricity.   
  


"PLAY TIME!!!" As soon as he yelled this people swarmed the machine, looking for a joystick on the new Street Fighter machine. Evan, the only one who choose Vega. Won in a few seconds. He was then swarmed with fans.   
  


"How did you do that!?!"   
  


"CAN I GET YOU AUTOGRAPH!?!?!"   
  


And other questions of the likes. Evan waved his hands to calm the crowd down. "I'm just a regular guy, I guess I got lucky." He secretly snaked a symbiotic strand into the machine and removed Vega's specials before anyone else could play and win in Evan's cheap way.   
  


Evan waved and started to walk out the door when a large man with a badge approached him. "Sir, you are going to have to come with me. I need to question you about the events by the river last night, we have witnesses that say you were there." Evan Shrugged.   
  


"Ok, chief." He said as the police officer led him away from the fans.   
  


*********************   
  


Yu walked into her house after telling Tetsunori to wait outside for her. She found her mother cleaning the bathtub and gave her mom a hug.   
  


"What was that for Yu?" Her mother asked.   
  


Yu smiled, "I got a boyfriend!!!" Her mother jumped up and down like a school girl.   
  


"FINALLY GRANDCHILDREN!!!! You'll get married tommorrow." Yu held up her hands.   
  


"how about next week. I need time to prepare. Wedding dress and all."   
  


Her mother nodded gravely, "Of course. One week is fine. But I _NEED_ Grandchildren."   
  


Yu nodded. "Ok mom, but first, pretend that he has been living with us for three years. He has amnesia so I can shape him anyway I want."   
  


"YES!! The perfect man!! Bend him to become a house husband!!" Yu nodded.   
  


"Yes mother. But his name is Tesunori, he enjoys cleaning and cooking, washing clothes, doing make up, changing diapers and fixing cars." Her mother gave Yu a big hug.   
  


"EXCELLENT!!! You will be very happy."   
  


Yu nodded, "Of course I will!! Now then, we are going to the movies, and I need a ring so I can propose." Her mother squeezed her tighter.   
  


"The way it should be." She released her daughter and slipped off a golden ring with a small diamond and another similar ring that was a bit bigger. "They are both 24 carat gold so they can be formed to fit him. These are both from ex-husbands so I can part with them." Yu screamed.   
  


"Oh mother!!" Just then Tetsunori ran into the house.   
  


"Is something the matter!?! I heard a scream!!!" Yu waved a hand at him.   
  


"Oh it's ok huneybunch, I was just discussing something that excited me, so I screamed with pleasure." Tetsunori nodded.   
  


"Oh, ok. Are we still going to the movies?"   
  


*************************   
  


Evan looked at the obese police chief in front of him. "So fatty, what are your powers. Do you shoot lasers?" The police chief looked strangely at the boy. "You are a Zoianoid aren't you?"   
  


The police chief's shoulders began to bulge. "So you know about us eh? Well then, you must die!!!" Evan laughed.   
  


"On Contraire, I believe you will be taking a one way trip to hell. Enjoy, and tip your waitress." He said as he snaked a tentacle of symbiote underneath the transforming cop. He thrust it upwards, splitting the half morphed man in two and spraying blood on the walls.   
  


"On man, that is kind of gross." Evan stated as he wiped some sprayed gore off of his shirt. "You Zoiafreaks are messy!"   
  


He got no response from the dissected cop put up a shield of symbiote and jumped out of the window, crossing his arms a getting into a crouching position. Then, in mid air he retracted the armoring and spread his arms, creating large wings, and started to glide across the city in search of his friend. *Josh has to be around here somewhere. I have to find him, I don't think he has seen Guyver and won't be expecting transforming people to attack him. Better speed it up.* He sucked in the wings and started to web sling his way around. *Damn Aquatransexuals these days! Never know where they will be!!*   
  


***************   
  


Yu sniffled and blubbered as she watched the events on the silver screen transpire. She was clinging to her new boyfriend Tetsunori as she watched the chick flick. The only strange thing was that Tetsunori was crying as well, while holding onto Yu and watching the movie. "It's so sad." He blubbered as he buried his face in Yu's chest. Yu sobbed and nodded.   
  


"Poor Kobenatsu. She left him." Yu seconded.   
  


"SHUT UP YOU TWO!!" Someone from the crowd yelled in their general direction. Tetsunori and Yu stopped blubbering for a moment but then the person's on the screen got all dramatic as Kobenatsu got shot and his old girlfriend cried over his dead body and the pair burst out into tears and blubbering again.   
  


"WAAAAAAAAAAHH!!"   
  


Many people left the theater.   
  


After the movie Tetsunori and Yu decided to go to a restaurant. "Where do you want to eat?" Tetsunori asked, as he held her hand while walking beside her.   
  


Yu smiled. "Somewhere quiet."   
  


Tetsunori stopped and pointed beside them. "How about here?"   
  


"That's an alley."   
  


"Oh yeah."   
  


The pair continued on their way and found a nice Italian restaurant. They sat down and began to talk while they waited fore their drink orders to come. "I've had a lovely day today Shun." Yu said happily.   
  


The artist formerly known as Josh looked confused. "I thought my name was Tetsunori?" He asked.   
  


"EH!?" Yu stuttered. *Better cover!* "I uhhhh sometimes call you Shun, it's your middle name, we use it as a short form." Tetsunori nodded.   
  


"Oh." Just then a waiter came up to their table with their drinks and set them down in front of them.   
  


"What would you like to order today." He asked.   
  


Yu smiled at the waiter. "We'll both have the number seven special."   
  


"Excellent choice." The waiter said as he wrote it down, he then walked off towards where they guessed the kitchen was.   
  


Yu stood up from her seat and smiled once she realized the waiter was gone. "Where are you going?" Tetsunori asked.   
  


Yu smiled giddily and knelt down beside Tetsunori on one knee holding out a small box with a gold ring inside. "Shun, I can't tell you enough how much these past three years have meant to me... You're everything a woman could want, you love cleaning, you love fixing things, you love doing laundry, and you're so good with kids, you're also the most caring and wonderful person I've ever known."   
  


Tetsunori smiled. "Wow! Thanks for clearing that up. I had no Idea I loved all those wonderful things."   
  


Yu continued, gazing lovingly/lustfully/greedily into Tetsunori's eyes she said... "Tetsunori? Will you marry me?" She awaited his answer hopefully.   
  


Ex-Josh looked EXTREMELY confused. "What's marry? Is it a good thing?"   
  


Yu looked annoyed. "Yes."   
  


"ALRIGHT! Of COURSE I WILL!" Tetsunori paused and then asked... "Uuuh so what is it?"   
  


Yu then jumped into his lap and kissed him passionately. When she broke the kiss Tetsunori smiled. "That WAS cool! Let's do it again!" They continued to make out in the restaurant for quite a long time.   
  


*************   
  


Evan swung by the Italian restaurant where Former Josh and his new fiancé were making out, he looked hungrily into the restaurant. "I suppose we could use some food." The symbiotes in his head agreed with him and he walked in, just to turn around at the sight of some girl practically eating some dude's head. "Venom, I know what you are think and NO WE CANNOT JOIN!!! WE WILL NOT EAT BRAINS!!!! although I haven't made out with some chick I don't know for awhile now. OH MY GOD WHAT IS SHE DOING!!! INDECENT!!!" Evan started running down the street waving his arms and screaming random things.   
  


Four blocks later he stopped, resumed a normal pace and began to hum. And kick every bum on the side of the street. "MONEY SUCKING SCUM!!" He sang in a drunken voice. "FILTHY!! FILTHY WHORES!!!" As if on cue a police woman approached him.   
  


"Excuse me sir, but I believe you have had to much to drink tonight. I'm going to have to take you in." Evan looked suspiciously at the officer.   
  


"You are one of THEM aren't you? I know your tricks... DIE!!!" Evan half lunged at the officer who in turn pulled a pistol from it's holster and fired one round into the air, scaring away some bystanders.   
  


"Sir, do not force me to use more force than necessary!" She threatened.   
  


Evan looked her over. "You know, you are kind of hot."   
  


The policewoman looked a bit shocked. "That's out of order sir. Now come with me."   
  


Evan looked intrigued, "TO the back of the cop car for loven? Anytime!!" The officer became confused.   
  


"Where did you get the idea..." Evan put on the moves.   
  


"You gave me the idea sexy. I just want to put it into action." He said as he approached her and started circling and checking out her body, which was quite firm and had nice... um, curves.   
  


The officer was clearly flattered and put her gun away, but then snapped back to her job. "Sir please stop this, You're embarrassing yourself."   
  


"Actually miss sexy cop, it seems I'm embarrassing you." He counter as he stopped circling and stopped in front of her. "I know you have a wild side. I just want to let it free." The female cop pounced the teen and started to make out with him unexpectedly. *Much better.* Evan thought as he finally calmed the girl down and started to kiss back instead of being eaten alive. Which mind you, he didn't mind.   
  


****************   
  


The waiter came back to the table that the two, now engaged, teenagers were making out at and frowned at the scene of groping and sexual inhibition. He coughed to get their attention, which didn't work. He tried again and the two barely stopped, but kept giving each other little pecks on the lips while the waiter started talking.   
  


"You two are never allowed in here again!" He stated in a snobby voice, which was unheard by the couple that had resumed bordering indecent exposure.   
  


"GET OUT!!!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. Tetsunori took a small breather and questioned the man.   
  


"Why, we are marry."   
  


The waiter growled. "I don't car HOW happy you two are! This is a PUBA'LIC PA'LACE!" The waiter then grabbed the two by their collars, and threw them back out on the street.   
  


Yu got up casually and smiled. "Let's go home." She said, grabbing Tetsunori's hand.   
  


"Can we do some more marry when we get there?" He asked excitedly. Yu smiled.   
  


"Absolutely."   
  


The pair then began home, barely noticing the black haired teenager making out with a twenty or so year old police woman. Tetsunori smiled as he looked back at the pair. "They're doing marry also."   
  


***************   
  


Evan recognized the voice. He attempted to stop the woman on top of him and failed horribly. The officer grabbed his hands and handcuffed them to a nearby streetlight. Only then did she take a break. "So, what's your name?" She asked.   
  


"Um, I'm Evan... And I have to meet a friend over there... could you release my hands?" The officer nodded and undid one of his hands, dragging him by the cuffs to the car and putting him in the passenger side, chaining him to the doorhandle.   
  


She smiled. "Hi Evan, we need to go to my place. And my name is Rieko." Evan waved nervously.   
  


"Ok Rieko, can I go see my friend. I promise I will be right back." Rieko looked downtrodden.   
  


"Please can you come to my house, we would have fun." Evan fought himself.   
  


*Scoring is good!!!* Half of him thought, *Must.... Warn.... Josh....* The other half thought. "Look, I will MOST DEFINITELY return. I can promise on my life. But I really need to find my friend, then we can have all the fun in the world." This sounded good to Rieko, she unlocked the handcuffs.   
  


"I'll be right here. Come back very soon." She smiled and waved as Evan started to walk/drag himself towards where he thought he had heard Josh's voice.   
  


***************   
  


Yu smiled as she entered the house. Her mother was standing there in the Living room waiting for them to return. She was wearing a formal Kimono and was smiling widely. "The priest is in the living room waiting." She said happily. Josh smiled.   
  


"Why?"   
  


Yu squeezed his hand and smiled as well. "He's here to marry us? Once we're married then we can kiss some more. Then we can do even more fun stuff." She said enthusiastically.   
  


"ALRIGHT!! Let's get started!" The three of them then walked towards the living room to get Tetsunori and Yu married.   
  


There wasn't a lot of people at the reception just a few close friends that Yu's Mother had called up on the fly. The priest was already half done and Josh looked confused most of the time at what he was saying. "Do you, Yu Kasunoramu take this boy, Tetsunori, to be your lawfully wedded husband?" Yu smiled.   
  


"I do."   
  


The priest continued. "And do you, Tetsunori Higashishima take Yu, to be your lawfully wedded wife."   
  


Tetsunori smiled as a pinkish blue energy started to surround him. "Sure... I do." The priest smiled as a girl with Brown hair tied back in a ponytail, appeared behind him, smiling.   
  


"I now pronounce you two, husband and wife! You may kiss the bride." Josh smiled and then he and Yu began making out. The girl who had appeared in the mystical energy looked furious.   
  


"J...Josh?" She asked, confused. "W...What's going on here? Who is that girl?" Tetsunori, the man formerly known as Josh before he developed amnesia, looked over to Kasumi as she stood there with a mortified expression on her face. Josh looked curious and smiled.   
  


"Who are you? Are you related to Yu here?" He asked gesturing to the girl he currently held in his arms that was wearing a western style wedding dress.   
  


Tears fell from Kasumi's eyes just as Evan burst through the door. "JOSH!?! ARE YOU IN HERE!?!" He asked.   
  


Yu got a defensive look on her face and grabbed Josh in a hug. "Leave!" She said to Kasumi and Evan, "His name is Tetsunori and He's my husband!"   
  


Josh nodded. "Yeah according to her I'm her husband, and my name is Tetsunori. You two look familiar though... do I know you?"   
  


Evan gasped. "HE'S GOT AMNESIA!!"   
  


Josh snapped his fingers and pointed at Evan. "Yeah! It's a good thing Yu here was with me at the time to fill me in on myself. If she wasn't there then I wouldn't know who I am."   
  


Kasumi sighed. "Eight months pregnant and my husband get amnesia and then married to another girl." Evan walked up to Josh and slapped him around a bit.   
  


"SNAP OUT OF IT JOSH!! YOUR WIFE IS HERE! SHE'S GONNA GET MAD!!" Josh stumbled back and looked confused.   
  


"Wife?" He blink blinked and then looked towards Yu. "I thought she was my wife?"   
  


Yu growled and grabbed Joshes arm. "I am his wife!! No one will take him away from me!!" She then pulled Josh out the door at lightning speed and disappeared into the night. "TIME FOR OUR HONEYMOON!!" She yelled.   
  


Kasumi gasped as she watched the new couple disappear. Yu's mother started laughing maniacally and yelled. "I'M GONNA GET GRANDKIDS!!"   
  


Kasumi growled and glared at the direction that they went. "Evan, if that witch touches my husband I want her to feel PAIN!!"   
  


Evan looked surprised. "You must be pissed if you, of all people, wishes harm on another." Evan then began running around looking for the two. "She was going fast! It'll take forever to find them now!! I shouldn't have stopped for supper!!"   
  


Kasumi smiled as she watched Evan take off after the pair. Just then her eyes went wide. The mother of Yu, her new rival looked at the girl questioningly. "What's the matter dear?" She asked a little bit concerned because of the fact that the girl was pregnant. Kasumi looked scared.   
  


"I think my water just broke!"   
  


*****************   
  


*I won't let his real past destroy my only hopes for a future!* Yu thought as she put on a happy face and checked in at a hotel far away from her home. When they got to the room Josh walked inside and looked around.   
  


"This place is pretty nice!" He said. He then turned around and noticed that Yu was taking her clothing off. "What are you...?" Yu, now fully naked walked towards Josh and pushed him down on the bed and started to undo his pants with much enthusiasm.   
  


"Want to see something even better than kissing?" She asked.   
  


"DO I!?!"   
  


***************   
  


Evan looked around the city of Tokyo frantically. He had already checked three hotels and seven motels, but he couldn't find Josh anywhere. "DAMN IT! I shouldn't have taken that time off to see the police chick!" Evan was getting frustrated and the voices in his head were all wanting to do one thing or the other, but none of it included finding Josh!   
  


"That's it! GUYVER!!" Symbiotic Bioboost armor flowed around Evan and attached to his flesh. electricity sparked from every crack and crevice in the armor while tentacles of black symbiote flowed around him, with little red orbs poking out here and there. Evan's back morphed into a jet engine type thing and he launched himself into the air, his arms formed into jet-like wings and he began flying through the city looking for any sign of Josh, the moment he turned into his Guyver/Symbiote his senses all became increased dramatically and he all of a sudden picked up Joshes scent.   
  


"GOTCHA!!" Evan cried as he launched himself down towards a large building that was a hotel.   
  


*************   
  


Yu screamed as a monstrous robotic creature smashed through the window of her hotel room, Josh was currently naked and asleep with a happy smile plastered on his face, Evan didn't notice his state of undress and grabbed the blonde haired Martial artist, with amnesia, throwing him over his broad monstrous shoulders and pointed at Yu.   
  


"STAY BACK!! I WILL NOT LET YOU DEFILE MY FRIEND!! TAKE ADVANTAGE OF SOME OTHER AMNESIAC WOMAN!!" He yelled menacingly. He then jumped backwards out of the window and took off back towards Yu's house in the air.   
  


When Evan landed down on the ground outside of the mad girl's house, Josh had already woken up and was looking angry. "UNHAND ME YOU VILE CREATURE!! LET GO!!" Evan set Josh down and glared at him.   
  


"Wake UP Josh! You are not Tetsunishiki or whatever, You are JOSH! SNAP OUT OF IT!!" Evan then turned one of his arms into a giant baseball bat and smashed Josh over the head with it as hard as he possibly could. "Oops."   
  


Josh rubbed his head and groaned as he got up off of the floor, Evan turned back into his human looking form and held out a hand towards Josh. "Hey Josh you all right?" He asked a little worried, but not overly so."   
  


Josh then jumped up and started strandling Evan. "WHAT DO YOU THINK EVAN!!? YOU JUST HIT ME OVER THE HEAD YOU IDIOT! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!!!" Evan smiled as he struggled to breath under the force of Joshes Spider Strength.   
  


"Yay!...GurK!..you're back!"   
  


Josh looked confused and dropped Evan... "Back? What do you mean back!?" Evan smiled and glared at him.   
  


"You had amnesia for a while, you didn't know who the hell you were... why the hell are you buck naked?" He asked in bewilderment. Josh looked down at himself as he noticed that it was surprisingly drafty at the moment.   
  


"AAAH!!!" He screamed as he covered his private parts. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THIS TIME!!?"   
  


Evan pointed to the house they were currently in front of and smiled. "Kasumi's in there, You better go in and get some clothes or something." Josh fumed as he blushed bright red and ran inside the house as fast as possible. People on the street were looking at the house in wonder as screams erupted from inside for a moment.   
  


Inside Josh was having a hell of a time, he had run in on what looked like a wedding, and was as red as a beet. There were a few people inside but he couldn't see Kasumi anywhere. "Have you seen a pony tailed girl around with brown hair at all?" He asked a kimono clad lady. The lady nodded while averting her eyes from Joshes lower regions.   
  


"Yes son... the poor girl went into labor when she appeared and she was rushed to the hospital." Josh looked shocked.   
  


"WHAT!! Which hospital!?! Where is it??" The woman rushed over to drawer and pulled out a map. She pulled a pen out of another drawer and then circled a small section on the map. "This is where we are now. The hospital is right here. Do you think you can get there in time?" She asked. Josh nodded.   
  


Before he could turn away though the lady grabbed his arm and pointed to his nether regions. "You should put on some clothes on first son, first door on your right at the top of the stairs, there is a pair of clothes."   
  


Josh nodded and rushed up the stairs in all his naked glory. He got dressed as fast as possible and jumped out of a nearby window, spinning a web to a nearby building, and swinging off in the direction of the hospital.   
  


******************   
  


Evan looked around, "OK, I find him, he leaves and _I_ have to go find him _again_! IS THERE A PATTERN HERE!?!?!?!" He screamed as he flung himself out of the window, web slinging towards the hospital. *Stupid Josh! Strangle me! I'll show him!! I'll show them all!!* He thought, a psychotic look passing over his twisted face. *Oh look Zoianoids... WAIT!! ZOIANOIDS!!!* Evan swung lower to see where the monstrous beings where headed. *Hospital is in that general direction... zoianoids traveling post haste in that direction... Kasumi.* He thought as he dropped in on the group of zoianoids.   
  


"GUTEN MORGEN!!!" He screamed in German firing a gravity ball, enveloping two of the creatures and imploding two others. "Wie gehts?" He smirked as he lunged forward, disemboweling another two.   
  


"There is the target!!" One of the large monsters yelled, it's shoulders opening and firing two deadly red beams.   
  


Evan smiled, "Ich habe vergessen mein vater in das tashenresner." He joked as he launched another gravity ball, killing the rest.   
  


Evan stopped and put his hands on his hips. "Another night saved by me. Please no autographs." he flung himself skywards and attached to a nearby building. *This is too easy.* He thought as he skittered across the buildings towards the hospital.   
  


****************   
  


Josh ran through the Hospital frantically. Some of the people got a little startled because he was actually running up the walls. "WHERE THE PREGNANT WOMEN AT!?!?" He screamed as he ran down the halls. He bowled through a steward and got splashed by a cup of water that was on the man's lunch tray. This triggered the Jusenkyo curse and Josh turned into a beautiful female version of himself. He yanked the steward off the ground and glared at him. "I'M LOOKING FOR MY WIFE!" Josh calmed down and shook her head, setting the man on the ground. "Brown hair, pony tails, pregnant? Ring any bells?"   
  


The steward shakilly pointed in a direction "Th...bu..."   
  


"THANKS BYE!!" Josh then ran down a random direction looking for the pregnancy ward again. A few crashes were heard along the way as well as screams of: "AHHH NOW I SMELL LIKE POO!"   
  


****************   
  


Evan attached himself to the hospital wall. *Gotta find Kas and Josh, They might be in trouble cause of those damn Zoiafreaks!* He listened for a second, *Kasumi screaming two floors up and three windows over... COOL!!*   
  


He skittered up to the correct room and ripped a massive hole in the wall. "KASUMI!!" He called, hoping for a response.   
  


Evan came just at the same moment that Josh did through the doors. Literally, she went through them...didn't bother opening them. The large blue doors clattered to the ground and Josh rushed into the room to see nothing but a pink and blue glow surrounding the room. "KASUMI!?!" He called out through the haze.   
  


It dissipated moments later and Josh noticed that all who were in the room were Evan, three doctors and two newborn babies the babies were being held by one doctor and they were all looking at the place where Kasumi was supposed to be. "What's going on here?" Onna-Josh asked.   
  


The doctor holding the naked babies looked at the two new occupants glowing with bright red auras and decided to tell. "This woman came in... she was pregnant, she gave birth to twins and then dissapeared."   
  


Evan looked shocked, "Josh... Your a Dad... Whoh...." Suddenly a shrill beeping came from Evan's left arm, the symbiotic materials gave way to reveal a timer. "One minute Josh-chan. Judging by the children's exposure to temporal waves they should be capable of traveling along with us... In other words, grab your kids! IT'S A BIG FAMILY ROAD TRIP!!!" Evan exclaimed as he pushed a button on the timer opening a large portal in the middle of the room. Evan made his way to the doctor and cradled the infants in his massive arms and created a small dome over them and turned to Josh, "I hope you don't mind me taking them, I wouldn't want your kids to get hurt."   
  


Josh nodded and jumped into the portal after Evan. When the portal closed the doctors looked at each other confused. One of them took off his mask. "Did he say that that woman was a...father?" He asked. The others shrugged. "Whatever let's get supper."   
  


"What was that pink gas?"   
  


"You eat tofu again Richie?"   
  


"NO!"   
  


"You're lying again! I smelt it!"   
  


"Hey whoever Smelt it Dealt it!"   
  


"Whoever denied it supplied it!"   
  


"Whoever whiffed it biffed it!"   
  


"Sorry guys."   
  


"HIGASHI!"(simultaneously)   
  


******************   
  


Welcome to Seattle. It should be raining. Certainly the man reaching upward thinks so. Though a sudden downpour might slicken his climb, surely...surely... it would cut the stench. For years, he has followed the infinites' trail of genocide. At the sight of the horrific culling a dim recollection stirs withing him. A memory of another time, a time of... of what? A feeling. He had a name for it once, but he no longer remembers what it was. Like those who order the cullings, he is not of the humans. The non-mutants were warned to flee. Most of them had. North america was no longer the province of the homo-sapians. Nevertheless, many humans refused to leave their homeland. And though he could not condone their obstinance, he finds it impossible not to pity them. He invokes a moment of silence on their behalf. "Josh you suck!" It does not last.   
  


The man looks up as a scream erupts from a large blue portal above him, and as another scream calls out ahead of him in the distance of the dank dark alley. A figure fell from the portal, barely missing the man, but the second that came landed on him, rather painful was the impact. "Whoa! That never ceases to be trippy!" Josh muttered as she got up, she noticed that she had landed on somebody and offered her hand to the fallen man to help him up. "Hey sorry about that.! I'm not new at this but there doesn't seem to be any way to control your landings." Josh then noticed the familiar garb of the vagabond stranger and turned around just as a smaller figure ran into her.   
  


It was a little girl, no older than ten or eleven. Tears ran down the girls face uncontrollably and she stared off in the distance of the alley whence she came. "a-HUH, a-HUH...They're comin' - they're COMINNN!! A-huh. They got momma, and Dadda!"   
  


Josh grabbed the girl by her shoulders and looked her in the eyes. "Listen... they won't get you. I won't let them... everything will be fine. I promise." Just then and explosion rang out closeby and the girl in front of Josh screamed.   
  


"They're...they're here..." She said paralyzed with fear for her life. Josh held her in her arms and glared at Unus the untouchable and his infinites.   
  


*Looks like I landed us in the age of Apocalypse!* Josh noted in her mind as she glared at the green armoured mutants standing at the end of the alley way. Evan looked confused, his symbiotic face showing his disorientation quite well. "Josh... where are we?" He whispered to his friend. But before Josh could answer one of the green trooper spoke up.   
  


"There she is Lord Unus!" It exclaimed.   
  


"Josh... They know we are here... I think they know who we are..." Evan whispered.   
  


"There stands the Runaway Urchin."   
  


"HEL-LO! I see her I also see that she has made some friends." The large man, who was obviously Lord Unus sighed heavily. "I ask you to do one little thing. Just one. I ask you to exterminate every vestige of human life in the area. I can't even get this."   
  


"HOLD ON!" Evan exclaimed, holding back a battle ready Josh. "You said exterminate." The large, green clad man nodded.   
  


" That I did, and you 'friend' are a traitor to your kind." Evan looked at him weirdly and turned to Josh looking for an explanation.   
  


"This is the age of Apocalypse Evan!" Josh said. "This guy here is Unus the Untouchable, those other guys are mutants and they're trying to take over the world by force."   
  


Unus smiled. "I'm touched that you know of me. I like the sound of the 'Age of Apocalypse' I'm sure my master will as well."   
  


Josh smiled. "Evan, you get this girl out of here, I'll take care of most of these guys and once the children are safe you can come back and help me beat them up."   
  


Unus and the infinites laughed out loud at the bold girl's statement. "A human! Beat US!!?" Unus said hysterically. "That's too funny!" Before Unus could say any more a flying kick caught him in the face and sent him flying towards a brick wall, which he crashed through like rice paper."   
  


"Normal human? I think not!" Josh smiled as she got in a martial arts stance." Unus growled and pointed to Josh angrily.   
  


"GET HER!!" he yelled to his infinites.   
  


"Ok, _NOW_ You crossed the line! And I know all about crossing the line!" Evan yelled as he crossed his arms, extending two 5 foot vibro blades from both elbows, he lunged into the hoard of infinites, disemboweling four of them as he move the children into his back and protecting them with a crimson, adamantium shield. *Kids are safe.* "UGH!" He groaned as three other infinites jumped him. Seconds later a beam of blue energy shot up from the pile, revealing a blood soaked Evan who grinned maniacally. "Next." He smirked as he eyed the retreating soldiers.   
  


Just then a grey blur, a blast of ice, a couple teleportation portals, smelling of sulphur, and a bolt of lightning struck forth at the infinites killing the rest of them. Josh stopped beating Unus bloody and looked up to see a group of well known mutants standing menacingly over the wasted bodies of the infinites.   
  


"A little late this time aren't you X-Men?" She asked as she wiped some blood off of her face.   
  


"Who are you girl?" Asked the man in red, leading the group. "How were you able to defeat these men so easily?"   
  


Josh smiled at Magneto. "Well magneto, how's your son Charles? Rogue, love the hair, looks hot!" Josh walked over to Where Bishop and the young blonde haired girl stood shocked and amazed and wiped some dust off of her shoulder. "This is no place for a little girl. You should come with us, we'll protect you."   
  


Evan just stared, he pushed aside a dead body and slowly made his way beside Josh. "Magneto... Saweet..." Evan looked around and noticed the team. "This is great. Sabertooth. Nightcrawler. Quicksilver. Iceman. Rogue. Storm. Morph. Cool... And some cute pink chick... and mini Sabertooth... cooler..." Evan listed as his symbiotes retracted into his body, moving the two newborns into his arms. "Hey Josh, you wanna hold your kids? Cause man they can kick! Super strength runs in the blood buddy." He said as he held the children out to his friend, not taking his eyes off of the gathering of super heros.   
  


Josh nodded. "Yeah sure. "Listen, Magneto, we need a place to stay for... Hey Evan? How long are we here for?"   
  


"Uh..." Evan takes out the timer from his pocket and examines the counter on the front. "Ah CRAP! We're here for a month!"   
  


If Josh wasn't carrying his two newborn children he would have face faulted. She growled at the device! "Stupid inter dimensional time gate! Stick us in the most dangerous world for the longest time!" Josh sighed and then looked back towards the X-Men, Magneto in particular. "So how about it?" She asked, "You got some sort of X-base we can crash at?"   
  


Evan looked at Josh. "Don't mock quantum physics." He warned with squinted eyes and a goofy smile. "So, Magneto, oh master of magnetism. Do you have a place where we could crash? Not literally of course." He said, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.   
  


Creed pushed past Josh and glared at The ragged man, "Enough wit the pleasantries! This guy here hasn't spoken a single word! What's your story!" He asked menacingly, grabbing the front of the man's rags.   
  


The stranger responded with silence, pushing Creed's anger. "ARGH!! Boss! This one isn't speaking. If you want I could carve it out of him." Creed said with a sadistic tone.   
  


Creed ripped the hood off the silent stranger, revealing a bald black man with a thick 'M' tattooed on his left eye.   
  


"You..." Magneto whispered with realisation.   
  


"Bishop..." Evan whispered in a similar tone. "Where am I?"   
  


Bishop suddenly looked furious. "You... MURDERER!!" The dark skinned mutant then lept at the red cloaked rebel mutant leader in fury, his fists aflame with energy. "YOUR FUALT! ALL OF IT!"   
  


"What?" Magneto muttered silently in confusion.   
  


"LEGION!... WARPED TIME! KILLED XAVIER! LET HIM DIE!! Not our world. All TWISTED! Your... Your..." Bishop slumped against Magneto as the mutant leader slowed the blood flow of iron to his brain. He then turned to Josh glared at her.   
  


"Now young girl... come with us. We have much to discuss. Everyone, to the compound!" With that Magneto spread his force field around himself and took off to the sky.   
  


"Much to discuss my hairy...!" Muttered Sabertooth.   
  


"You heard him." Rogue berated Sabertooth. "Let's go."   
  


********************   
  


Author's notes: {I like pie... that is all.}   
  


(Yes, pie is good.) 


	14. Evan? DoingSTUFF?

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Self Insertion   
  


This is a self insertion fic. It's pretty much me and my friend get into a Sliders type mix up. Cept we go to worlds like Animes and Cartoons and Movies and other stuff. Both of us are writing it as well so the Genre will fluctuate. Be warned, be afraid, be readin' my story please. And enjoy.   
  


Disclaimer: I don't own nothin! Cept me!   
  


* *: Thoughts   
  


Capital letters: Shouting or loud noises   
  


_ _: Stressed words   
  


{ }: Josh's own thoughts   
  


( ): Evan's own thoughts and location   
  


Chapter 14   
  


Evan? Doing...STUFF?!?   
  


Most of the X-Men were currently busy lounging in the living area of the hideout. Evan was currently sitting on the ceiling meditating... using his brain... whatever. Just then Josh burst through the door with a pack of cards in her hands, jumped to the ceiling and punched Evan. Evan took the punch but didn't move from his ceiling position.   
  


"Um, dude? What was that for? I haven't killed your kids in my sleep have I?" He joked, rubbing his arm.   
  


Josh glared at him and shook his head. "No... kids are in the nursery, chillin with Charles." Evan looked confused and Josh sighed. "Rogue and Magneto's kid." Evan looked like he understood now.   
  


"Ooooooh. Soo what do you want?"   
  


Josh smiled. "I just learned that in this world it's Friday... that means it's poker night!" Josh jumped to the floor and sat down at a nearby table. "Who else wants to play?!" He called out to the other heroes.   
  


"Dude, I don't have money. An no _way_ am I betting my suit!" He said, crossing his arms and turning his head up... down.   
  


Josh frowned as he looked up at him. "Okay than get some normal clothing off Magneto and play the way everyone else does! It's STRIP POKER TONIGHT!! WHOOO!" Josh looked over to Blink and smiled. "You in Blinkie?"   
  


"Normal clothes!!... normal clothes, yes..." *I cannot lose.* He grinned evilly, "I'm in... As long as Blink is in too."   
  


Josh was surprised when all the heroes had vollunteered to play as well. "You guys not have cable or something?"   
  


Sabertooth growled at Josh. "The only thing to do in this world anymore is killing infinites."   
  


Josh shrugged. "That's fun too. But poker's better. I'll deal."   
  


Evan frowned and grabbed the cards from Josh's hands. "NO! You always deal! You always win too. You're probably cheating!" Josh shrugged and smiled.   
  


"See if I care?"   
  


***************   
  


Twenty minutes later.   
  


Rogue and Magneto walked down the hallways of the X-building, conversing about the future of their child. When all of a sudden Creed streaked naked past them and into his quarters. Rogue shook her head to get the disturbing vision out, Magneto followed suit. Shortly after the new member Evan ran by backwards, watching as Storm and Blink rushed to their quarters. Evan bumped into the master of magnetism and spun quickly, spawning clothes from his costume as well as his trusty katana. "WHAAA!! WHO GOES THERE!!" Evan screamed as the remainder of the team rushed by, some faster than others.   
  


Evan held his head down in shame, "Uh, sorry Eric. Josh offered for some poker and it became strip and it went out of control..."   
  


Then Josh strolled out of the room, laughing like a maniac.   
  


"See?" Evan stated pointing his katana at the aquatransexual.   
  


Magneto shook his head and walked up to the teen. "Josh, I realize that you come from another dimension, but this is serious trouble the world is in, and I don't want my team softened by your influence. Do you understand me?"   
  


"Softened!?! Sabertooth can NOT be softened! Don't worry I'm used to managing a team... I used to be in a band. I played the drums. I still do. But it's been a while. I'd have to watch a pro do it for a few minutes. I won poker. I got all their clothes."   
  


Magneto put his hands up to stop him but he kept going.   
  


"Y'Know I wonder if I can do that cool hypnosis thing. Look into my eyes!!" Magneto looked at him for a moment. "You're sleepy, go to sleep." To Josh's surprise Eric dropped to the ground asleep. "HAH???" Josh said in a squeaky voice. Evan shook his head.   
  


(You do NOT want to know)   
  


Josh smiled. "Good one Eric. Wake up!" Eric didn't move. "Wake UP!" Eric snored.   
  


"I think you killed him." Evan whispered in Josh's ear, loud enough for Rogue, the only other occupant, to hear.   
  


"WAKE U P!!"   
  


BOOT!!   
  


Eric snored heavily after making an "mhph kay." sound.   
  


"Yup, he's dead. How did you do that? Cause I think it was a Jedi trick." Evan said as he nodded and toed Magneto's head.   
  


"Mhph kay." He said, in his sleep. He then added. "Rogue."   
  


Rogue blushed furiously.   
  


"PORNO DREAMS!!!" Evan screamed as he toed a bit harder.   
  


"Mhph kay."   
  


"This is cool." Evan laughed as Rogue shoved him aside and through a wall.   
  


"This is _NOT_ cool!!" She yelled as she grabbed Eric off the floor and flew into their room.   
  


Evan hand emerged from the hole in the wall. "It is to cool." Evan stated as he climbed out of the rubble. "Magnus must like em rough." He said as he dusted off his shoulders.   
  


Josh laughed out loud and walked on his way to the nursery.   
  


Evan waved goodbye to Josh. "Now which one is Blink's room?"   
  


***********   
  


Blink pulled a outfit out of her closet. "This one is fine." She said, checking it for rips from previous battles. Finding none she started to put it on, just as Evan walked into the room.   
  


"Um, Blink? Are you here?" He asked walking in without waiting for a response.   
  


"AHHH!! EVAN!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?!?!" Blink screamed, holding the outfit up to cover herself.   
  


"Um... this is probably a bad time..." He said, blushing and averting his eyes.   
  


"YEAH!! IT IS!!" She screamed, reaching for a quicksilver dagger. "You should leave." She menaced.   
  


Evan eyed the dagger. "You wouldn't." He smirked.   
  


A dagger cut through the air and imbedded beside Evan's head in the door. "You would... But that doesn't matter. I'm still alive."   
  


"You haven't left yet." She growled, grabbing another dagger.   
  


"No, I haven't have I." Another dagger imbedded on the other side of his head. "Your not joking are you?"   
  


Blink growled again, grabbing a third dagger.   
  


"That's a nice growl you have." He said, attempting to lighten the situation.   
  


"YOU DON'T LEAVE DO YOU!!!" She screamed, releasing her third dagger aimed straight for Evan's head.   
  


The dagger dug into Evan's skull. "Ouch" he said as he noticed the dagger in-between his eyes. He collapsed to the floor.   
  


Blink rushed to his side. *Oh crap, oh crap!* She thought as she took the dagger out of his skull. *Why didn't the bastard just leave!?! It would have made things so much easier! He shouldn't have pushed me!!*   
  


Evan tried to hold in a laugh and play dead as Blink checked him over. *God bless symbiotes! Thanks guys!* Some amused buzzes in his head told him that the symbiotes where enjoying Blink's confusion as well.   
  


"This is bad!" Blink said as she checked his pulse, she jerked back finding that there was none. "Had better tell... WHAT THE HELL!!" She screamed as Evan's skin seemed to decay at an astonishing rate till he looked like a zombie.   
  


Blink backed into a corner and drew a dagger, expecting the worst.   
  


"Brains." mutter the corpse of Evan who righted himself. "BRAINS!!!" He screamed as he stretched out his arms hungrily towards Blink.   
  


"AHHHH!!!!" She yelled as she tossed dagger after dagger into Evan's corpse.   
  


"Mph kay... You don't have to go ballistic." He said as the daggers fell out of his body and he returned to normal. "I think you've been watching to many zombie movies. I mean it's not like I was going to eat you gray matter or nothing!"   
  


Blink stared at him a held up another dagger. Evan raised an eyebrow. "You seriously want to go through this again? I mean I can only raise myself from the dead a few times before it loses the humor." Blink glared at him.   
  


"It was a _joke_!?!" Blink yelled, forgetting that she was naked and stretching out her arms.   
  


Evan nodded, "Yup. And a pretty intricate one at that. I mean putting up extra layers of skin is hard work, especially when you push so hard on my wrists. Shesh." He rubbed his wrists to show that it had hurt.   
  


"YOU WERE _JOKING_!!!" She screamed. Evan nodded again.   
  


"Morph would have liked it. I mean shape shifters don't lack humor like teleporters. I mean Nightcrawler was serious, your serious. I thought superior beings would have developed humor at some point in evolution." Evan stated as he turned his back to Blink.   
  


"DON'T TURN YOUR BACK TO ME!!" She screamed.   
  


"But your naked, I thought you might want some privacy, but if you insist?" He started to turn around slowly.   
  


"JUST LEAVE!!" Evan complied, opening the door and walking out without question.   
  


"That went well." Evan mused as he walked down the hall to his quarters.   
  


*************   
  


"Sinister!" Came a deep voice. Mr. Sinister looked up from where he was working at a large console and smiled.   
  


"What is it my lord?" He asked the large dark figure.   
  


"Are they ready? I feel the need to take evolution to the next level." Said Apocalypse as he stepped out from the shadows.   
  


Sinister nodded. "They are complete. I think maybe we should test these on an ordinary human before applying them to ourselves though master."   
  


Apocalypse nodded. "Indeed. I don't see there being a problem in that course of action. The least that would happen would be that they would mutate... Into one of us!"   
  


{That's all I'm showing for the bad guys right now. Sorry!}   
  


************   
  


Josh smiled as he counted his winnings, which included several pairs of Mutant garments. He was currently holding out a pair of female underpants. "A pink teddy bear!?" She said as she examined the unmentionables. "Who would've thought that Blink wore those?" She said as she tucked them into her jeans pocket. "These may be useful later."   
  


Josh looked down at the infants that belonged to him. One was a male and the other was a female. They were currently lying in a crib in the nursery that he was currently sitting in. She picked up a glass of water that she was drinking and then at the babies. "I wonder..." She thought before dumping the glass of water on them both. They began crying and Josh shrugged. "They're still the same.... WAIT A MINUTE!! They've CHANGED PLACES!! ARGGGGGEEE! I'VE PASSED ON MY CURSE!!!"   
  


Josh looked at the label on the back of Sabertooth's and Morph's clothing and thought for a second. "Hmmmm... Fit's all sizes eh?"   
  


**************   
  


*Well I think that my little rendevous with Blink went O.K. I mean, I got to pull off a cool joke, see her naked and act like an idiot. Two out of three ain't bad.* He mused as he looked over the pack of cards they had played with earlier. *Josh must be able to tell which card is next, maybe I can do the same thing. What do you guys think?* He asked his symbiotes.   
  


A light buzzing rang through his head. *Not much of a chance!?! I'll show you!! Damn symbiotes!! Think they know what they can do!!* Evan picked up the deck and focused on the top card. He squinted and thought about the cards, which in turn began to vibrate. *What the hell?* He said, not breaking his concentration enough to stop the vibration. 

*This is kind of cool.* He thought focusing more on moving the cards around than figuring out which card was next.   
  


Suddenly the card exploded into shredded paper and he felt his symbiotes start to tear away from his body. "YAH!!! THIS IS WEIRD!!!" He screamed as he broke off his thoughts of moving cards.   
  


He breathed a sigh of relief as the symbiotes started to join with him again. *Ok, I just telekinetically ripped something into tiny pieces. This could be helpful on the battlefield.* He thought as he leaned back in his chair, reveling in his small victory. *Next test, controlling this.*   
  


He extended a hand towards the ripped up cards and imagined putting them back together. Which to his surprise happened within seconds. The deck then proceeded to float towards him and directly into his outstretched hand. He looked over the deck, finding no imperfections at all on the cards he tossed them into the air and screamed. "I AM JEAN GRAY!!! BUT A GUY!!! COOL!!!!!" He stopped the cards in air and organized them into a deck, shuffled them and put them in the exact center of the table in front of him. "Very cool. Well I know what I'll be doing for the next two days."   
  


***************   
  


All of a sudden the doorbell rang. Josh looked up and was confused. "They have a doorbell?" He got up and opened the door a bit and peaked out to see who it was that rang the bell. Much to his surprise it was a familiar face of Gambit who casually smiled at the doorman.   
  


"Excuse me homme, but I'm here to see Magneto. Can I come in?" He asked.   
  


Josh looked confused and patted his kid on the back. "What do you need to see Eric about? Some new threat? Looking for that big crystal to save the universe? Looking to win Rogue's heart back? What's up homme?" Josh asked confused.   
  


Gambit looked confused. He then noticed the child that Josh was carrying who was wearing clothes just like Sabertooth's. "Is this little Charles?" He asked holding out a finger to the little boy. Josh shook her head.   
  


"No. Actually I haven't thought of a name for him yet. And he's my son."   
  


Gambit looked flabbergasted. "YOU'RE SON!?! Ain't you jus a lil bit young to have a kid?" Gambit asked. "A petite girl such as yerself."   
  


Josh shook her head. "Actually I have two kids. Their twins. I'm eighteen so why shouldn't I have a kid or two. It's a big responsibility." Gambit nodded.   
  


"It's still a lil strange no? Where's Eric anywho?" He asked the blonde haired Spider Girl. {does whatever a girl can.}   
  


Josh pointed down the hall to where Rogue dragged him off. "He's having sexual fantasies about Rogue over there. Mph, kay!" Josh then began laughing hysterically. Before the baby started crying. "These X-suites of yours are great! These unstable molecules are perfect I never have to worry about changing diapers when the little brats are wearing these. It uses the feces as energy and heats the suit. And it cleanses." Josh noted.   
  


Gambit looked disturbed. "Since when could they do that?" Josh shrugged   
  


"I just did a study on the suits after I won them."   
  


"Won them?"   
  


"MPHH, KAAAAAYYY!!" Came a yell from down the hall. Gambit looked up startled and then ran towards it to see what it was.   
  


Just then Evan walked into the room, a deck of cards floating beside his head. "Um, what's going on with Magneto. Cause his Mph kay's are getting scary.   
  


Josh smiled and then chuckled as screams and desperate apologies filled the air. Josh held up her son/daughter and smiled at, currently, him. "Why don't we get you something to eat you little bugger?" Josh then walked off to find something suitable for a baby to eat. Just then a Pinkish glow surrounded her and she smiled holding up the baby to her face again. "Looks like mommy's visiting." Moments later a young girls, who Josh recognized as his wife Kasumi appeared.   
  


"Josh?" She asked. With slight tears in her eyes.   
  


Josh smiled. "Hey Kas. Me and the little guys here were just going to get something to eat. Care to join us?" Kasumi smiled and then started crying. Josh looked a little confused and then realized what she was crying about. "Oh." Josh couldn't think of anything to say to that. Instead she just decided that walking forward and hugging her was a better idea. That proved to be correct.   
  


"I thought that I'd lost them!" Kasumi said as she clutched Joshes, currently, female body.   
  


*Woah! Too much emotion here! Time to defuse the situation.* Josh thought.   
  


"So you already knew they were twins huh?" She asked. Already knowing the answer. Kasumi moved back slightly and nodded. "I haven't come up with any names for them yet." Josh noted. "I thought that you'd want a say in what we call them."   
  


"How are they?" She asked as she stroked the hair of the infant in Joshes arms.   
  


"Perfectly normal babies." Kasumi smiled but faltered when Josh muttered something under her breath.   
  


"What did you say?" Kasumi asked.   
  


"Hmm? Oh nothing!" Josh said; pretending, badly, that he had no clue what she was talking about.   
  


"WHAT! Did you SAY!?!" She asked. Josh sighed. And gave up.   
  


"Promise you won't hurt me no matter what?" She asked her wife.   
  


"Promise." Kasumi said with a sharp glare that could cut through a human heart.   
  


"They kind of inherited my Jusenkyo curse." He said.   
  


Kasumi's glare turned into a look of despair. "My children are going to grow up thinking that they're freaks." She stated plainly with a blank look.   
  


"No! No..." Josh said. Trying to derail Kasumi's train of thought. "It's better for them this way... This way they won't think that their father is a freak. They'll live their whole lives with it. It'll be normal for them. It's normal for me and I've only had it for a couple of years." She said. Hoping that it would have the right effect on her.   
  


"But... why? Why didn't they come back with me?" She asked. "I never even got to hold them." She whimpered.   
  


Josh looked at the boy he held in her arms and smiled. Handing him to her wife. "Hold him now then. I'm not sure why they didn't go back with you but Evan might. They're safe with me though. I won't let anything harm them. They're my kids too."   
  


Kasumi smiled and they kissed lightly on the lips, with the young boy held between them. Just then Josh heard voices from close by and looked over at the doorway to the nursery. Evan, Morph, Iceman, Blink and Storm were standing there watching.   
  


"Isn't that sweet!?" Morph asked.   
  


"But they're both girls!" Blink said glaring at Morph.   
  


Evan shook his head. "Not exactly, you see Josh is a boy, cursed by a magical spring so that if he touched cold water he would turn into a girl, hot water reversed the effect till hit with cold water again. So in essence this scene is completely normal as Josh is in essence a male." Blink stared at Evan.   
  


"Whaa..." Blink's jaw hung open.   
  


Evan put a hand under her mouth and pushed her jaw into place again. "Now Blink it is completely logical. I mean Reed Richards would understand me." Blink's jaw hung open once more.   
  


"Who is Reed Richards?" She asked.   
  


Evan again pushed her jaw up, "He just happens to be the greatest scientific genius in the universe."   
  


******   
  


In another dimension a red headed girl sneezed as she stood over a tank full of gray blobs of matter. "Hmm I wonder what brought that on?" Washuu lamented as she called forth her laptop, which floated in the air in front of her as a transparent keyboard of light.   
  


******   
  


One week later.   
  


"So basically me and Josh do this weird phase shift based on a magical spell found completely by accident on the net. A bit of tech here, some magic there and poof, we become dimensional travelers." Evan said as he walked through the ruins of local city Blink had teleported them to.   
  


"Ok, it doesn't make any sense to me." She said as she spun a dagger in her left hand.   
  


"I didn't think it would. No offence. It seems that this sort of thing confuses the hell out of everyone I meet, so your not the only one."   
  


"So, you just jump around and pick up powers and fight bad guys then?" She asked attempting to simplify everything Evan had said.   
  


Evan laughed. "Yeah. I just that about wraps it up." He said as he put his hands in his pockets and shivered slightly from a breeze that had just rushed by.   
  


Blink shivered as well. "It's kind of cold here." Evan nodded and formed a large tent.   
  


He motioned for Blink to enter. She did without question. "Well, this covers the shelter from the wind part, now we need a fire." Evan said as he pulled out a lighter, formed of symbiotic materials. He clicked the lighter three times to no avail. "Oh yeah, symbiotes and fire don't mix. Um... toss me a dagger." He said.   
  


"Why?" Blink asked, handing him a dagger before getting her answer.   
  


Evan snaked a tentacle of symbiote out and gathered together a bundle of wood, some cloth and some rocks. He quickly organized these materials into a blanket and a makeshift fireplace which he lit by clanging some of his adamantium symbiote with the dagger. "Handy little things symbiotes are." He mused as he motioned for Blink to take up one of the blankets.   
  


Blink crawled under the covers and cuddled up to Evan. She sighed. "This is nice."   
  


Evan smiled, "Yeah, it's been some time since I was actually comfortable. I mean with people trying to kill me and stuff, you don't settle down much."   
  


Blink laughed, "Well I suppose us X-Men could use some R and R as well." Evan nodded and casually slipped an arm over her shoulder.   
  


"Too true Blink, too true."   
  


Five minutes later heavy grunts and groans could be heard coming from a black tent. As two (horny) people on a desolate wasteland show their feelings for each other. Though really all they were doing was giving in to sexual temptation. It happens. Later on. As Evan and Blink lay beneath a tatered blanket Blink sighed heavily.   
  


"What's wrong?" Evan asked, slightly concerned. *I just scored with a chick with pink skin...* he thought. *That is SO cool.*   
  


"Do you think that this was a smart idea?" Blink asked. "Having sex when in the middle of a post apocalyptic war between humans and their evolved forms?"   
  


Evan shrugged. "It was good for me."   
  


Blink sighed. "Why did I just sleep with you?" She asked. "I could have done so much better. What if I get pregnant?"   
  


Evan shrugged. "Then me and Josh will both be parents? Seems logical to me." Evan yawned and then cuddled up on a pillow made of symbiote. "Nihgt Blinkie. Get some rest. We have to get back to the others tomorrow. They're planning on some sort of raid on a medical facility that Apocalypse has taken over."   
  


With that Evan went to sleep.   
  


*************   
  


The next day. Jos looked confused. "Where's Evan and Blink? They haven't returned yet." Josh looked towards his son who he was currently feeding with a bottle. He had lovingly called the boy Morden, with Kasumi's consent, and she had named their daughter Lilith. Josh didn't understand her decision but Kasumi said that it was a name that would give her strength on cold dark nights without mommy. "They should have been back hours ago." He muttered. "I'm not liking this."   
  


****************   
  


Evan groaned as he awoke. His eyes flew open and he stared in awe at the giant fortress that he was currently being held captive at. "This isn't the X-base thing a ma jig." He noted.   
  


"No human. It is not." A booming voice rang through the room.   
  


"Yeah, I just finished saying that it wasn't. Why are you backing up my point?" Evan mused as he tested the chains that held him to the wall.   
  


"You are a fool. You must not know who you are talking to!" The voice stated.   
  


"Well if you would come into the light I might be able to know wouldn't I!" Evan retorted.   
  


There was a sharp laugh and a massive figure stepped out of the shadows. "I am Apocalypse."   
  


"And?" Evan questioned, cutting off the immortal mutants dramatic pause.   
  


Apocalypse's eyes flared for a second and then he calmed down. "You must not know who I am." He jeered.   
  


"Why shouldn't I?" Evan questioned. "Besides the fact, your not that big a threat. I seen you get your ass handed to you by Archangel in the series. Ya pansy!!"   
  


Apocalypse roared with anger and smashed the wall beside the youth, creating a massive crater. "You must have a death wish to talk of me that way!!"   
  


"Actually I wish the X-Men were here to see you getting pissed off by a kid. I mean they would be shocked to spot your weak ego. I mean poke it once and you flip. Pussy!" Evan laughed as Apocalypse demolished the other side of Evan's wall. "You must hate architecture."   
  


Apocalypse chuckled and glared at the boy. "It doesn't matter now. Soon you, and every other human will be one of us!"   
  


Evan rolled his eyes. "Great! You're going to turn us all into egocentric maniacs with multiple personality disorders and no friends. You pussy!"   
  


Apocalypse frowned and decided to ignore the youth's talking. "Mutants will rule the world young man. We're going to turn the entire human race into mutants with our new plan."   
  


"I already figured that out! I was just making fun of you cause you're a loser. You pussy!"   
  


Apocalypse twitched and continued, bringing up a holographic representation of a small robotic bug on the computer in the center of the large room. "This is a nanites. We've have injected these into your body and they will release a chemical into your blood that will trigger your X-factor and spawn a random genetic mutation. We will release this man made virus into the air and it'll infect every single Human in the world turning them into mutants."   
  


"That's boring." Evan muttered. "Do you have to trigger it or do the bugs have to do it on their own?"   
  


"Unfortunately the bugs take a week or so to find the right frequency of your genes to change them."   
  


"That didn't make any sense!"   
  


Apocalypse ignored and continued. "Then you will either turn or die."   
  


"You realize, that like every single evil plot that you bad guys come up with, this one will be thwarted by the likes of some super powered beings that don't like what you're doing. That is what always happened. That's what always will happen. You guys need to think your plans through better. My friend arrested the Avenger by himself with nothing but a few webs and a pair of handcuffs. You're nothing compared to the good guys."   
  


Apocalypse leaned in close to Evan and smiled. "We shall see young one."   
  


Evan blinked and smiled. "That was a really good Hannibal Lecter impression you sounded just like Anthony Hopkins. Do it again!" Apocalypse sighed and left the room with Evan screaming in the background, "DO IT!!"   
  


"I want to hurt Sinister for picking up this brat." He muttered under his breath.   
  


************   
  


All of a sudden at the X-base. The door opened and a battered Blink walked through. "Too many of them." She muttered as she stumbled down the halls. "Wouldn't wake up."   
  


"What are you talking about Blink? And why is your uniform all crumpled and dirty?" Josh asked as he nursed Lilith on a bottle.   
  


"Evan has been captured!!" Blink screamed, "And there is no time for explanations about my uniform." She pouted shortly after.   
  


"Sure... Evan had been captured. That's pretty funny. With all those symbiotes not much could get by him." Josh stated as he waved her off and continued to feed Lilith.   
  


"He was asleep."   
  


"HE _HAS_ BEEN CAPTURED!!!" Josh screamed, upsetting Lilith, and Morden who was nearby. "Uh oh, kids mad... Um, go get Magneto and plan stuff, I'll fix the current problem here. Yes..."   
  


Blink nodded and rushed towards Magneto and Rogue.   
  


**********   
  


"ROOM SERVICE!!!" Evan screamed into the cell. "I NEED SOMETHING TO DRINK!!!" after waiting for a minute he decided that he should probably just take matters into his own hands. *I've got stuff. And stuff can do things. So technically I could escape with stuff.* He thought. "Yes, It might just work."   
  


Mr.Sinister entered just then. "No it probably wouldn't work." He stated, "These chains are adamantium, the rooms walls are lined with electrical charges, around the room is a post of forty infinites. Besides the fact we have Havoc just waiting outside for a bit of action. Mind you he is getting antsy to kill someone." Sinister laughed.   
  


Evan shrugged. "No biggie. I could get out." Sinister stared at the boy.   
  


"What do you mean?" Evan smiled.   
  


"I mean I could get out. Or do you super villains not take words for face value anymore?" He joked.   
  


Sinister snickered. "Perhaps they should have sent Beast, he might have appreciated your humor more."   
  


Evan shrugged. "I suppose, But Beast would be dead by now. I know your powers and I don't feel like a long fight at the moment, so send Beast, I could use the work out."   
  


Sinister looked the boy over. "You know my powers?"   
  


"See there you go again, not taking my words for face value again! What is the point of talking to you people!! Apocacrap is just as ignorant as you are, if not more so! Just send in someone who believes that I don't need to repeat myself!! You PUSSY!!!" Mr.Sinister glared at the boy, turned on his heel and stormed ut of the room.   
  


"That went well." Evan mused. "ROOM SERVICE!!!"   
  


**********   
  


Magneto sat in the planning room, the rest of the X-Men around him. "One of our temporary recruits is captured in the enemy stronghold. We must get him back." He stated.   
  


"Mph kay." Josh muttered.   
  


Magneto glared at the boy, then turned to Gambit. "Gambit, gather your exiles. We are going to need all the help we can get. And Nightcrawler, track down Wolverine and Jean. Thir assistence may be key in finally ending this war now and getting the boy back alive."   
  


"Mph kay." Josh muttered louder.   
  


Magneto glared harder at the boy as Nightcrawler and Gambit set off to perform their tasks. Josh smiled seeing that he was getting Magneto angry. *Heeee this is fun.* "Listen up Magnus! I need this guy back alive. He's my key to getting off this universe. I have 1 week before sliding into the next and I'm going to need the trans dimensional warp gate that he always carries around with him."   
  


Blink smiled. "We need him back alive and fast. I, WE may need him soon, for something...or other...oh god." She muttered and trailed off. Josh smiled at her lecherously.   
  


"This just gets better and better." Josh then picks up Lilith and smiles at the young child. "Isn't that right!? Yes it is. Yes it is. Oh sha Boh Oh sha boh boh doh doh. Oh shaboh bah day!"   
  


Everyone looked at Josh oddly. And he shrugged, and picked up Morden, doing the exact same thing, except the child was drooling all over him. "It's so sickening." Sabertooth said as he looked like he was about to throw up. "The cuteness. Someone. SHOOT ME!!"   
  


"Ah shut up. You've got kids you probably did... never mind." said Josh, realizing that more than likely if Creed knew he had kids... he'd eat them.   
  


"Right LET'S GO!!!" Shouted Quicksilver , anxious to get out of here as fast as possible.   
  


Everyone just looked at him. "Oh sha boh!"   
  


"Don't even start!" Creed warned.   
  


**********   
  


Josh smiled as she tucked his children into the crib that they lay in. "Good night you little turd goblins. Daddy's got to go kill a bunch of bad guys." Josh kissed each of the babies on their foreheads and then turned out the light before heading out the door. She pulled on a blue and yellow X-Men uniform and smiled as she looked at herself in the mirror. "I'm officially an X-Man. Cooool!" Josh then jumped out into the meeting room where the other X-Men were waiting. "All right let's go rescue Evan!" Josh said enthusiastically. "And KILL APOCALYPSE!! WHOO!"   
  


Magneto would have facefaulted, had this universe had the proper physics. "_Kill_ Apocalypse!? I don't think that that is possible!"   
  


Josh shrugged. "It can be done! You just got to hit him billions of time in the chest and head with super strength lightning fast punches. I can do that no problem. So could Pietro if he had super strength."   
  


The X-Men then all left for the fortress of Apocalypse.   
  


**************   
  


Evan smiled as Josh and the X-Men came into the room bloody and battle worn, except for Josh, and rushed towards him. "Took you long enough!" He shouted.   
  


Josh shrugged. "So what kind of drugs they put you on?" Josh asked.   
  


Evan shrugged. "Don't know, but they've been making my Symbiotes act up. They're going totally insane!" Josh smiled and then pressed a button on the control panel that released the bonds that held Evan to the wall.   
  


"Meh. Think Apocalypse'll show up and try to stop us?" Josh asked.   
  


Evan shrugged.   
  


All of a sudden the room became airtight and all the doors closed and locked behind them. Wolverine and the Exiles were also there. "Crap!" Muttered Josh. "Now they're going to do something stupid and Cliche!" She groaned.   
  


Evan nodded. "Fraid so!"   
  


A view of Mr. Sinister came up on a video screen and his voice came through speakers. "Welcome X-Men! After we heard that you were coming we decided to try out our new Nanites on you, as use them to turn you to our side!! HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!" He laughed maniacally. He then pressed a button and a gas-like substance started spraying out from the vents. Josh sighed.   
  


"Evan... What do these nanites do?"   
  


Evan shrugged again. "Nothing big. They trigger random, spontaneous genetic mutations in ordinary humans and increase the control and powers of mutants. He actually doesn't have the right technology to change us to bad guys. He hasn't had enough time to do that."   
  


"Oh so we're fine then?"   
  


Evan nodded. "Yeah. He's just going to end up giving each of us the abilities to kill Apocalypse bare handed."   
  


"That's nice."   
  


"Yeah."   
  


The other X-Men didn't hear this conversation and were trying to find a way out while they held their breath, trying to keep the nanites out. It was useless however and the nanites just got in through the skin and any other open orifice. Josh and Evan just stood there waiting.   
  


"We have to get out of here." Rogue said desperately.   
  


"WE CAN'T NOT EVEN I HAVE THE STRENGTH TO OPEN THESE DOORS!!" Creed shouted and he got engulfed by the nanite clouds.   
  


Blink rushed over and hugged Evan. "I won't port OUT!! NOT WITHOUT YOU!!" She said as she held onto Evan. Evan smiled.   
  


"You don't have to. The gas is dissipating." Blink looked around and noticed that the gas was seeping into all of the X-Men's skin. She sighed in relief and hugged Evan again.   
  


Evan smiled *Oh, I da man.* he thought. "So, any suggestions on how we leave?" He asked, still holding Blink in his arms.   
  


"We could port out." Blink suggested.   
  


"Can you port the whole team? Or would you need more time?" Evan asked looking around at the rest of the team. "Cause we have Nightcrawler here too, so he might be able to help."   
  


Nightcrawler laughed, "Unless you are wanting some pain mein freund, I would suggest Blink, and she has the capabilities to get us all out of here."   
  


"Well that works, why didn't you just do that in the first place, instead of getting everyone here. Doesn't that make sense?" Evan questioned, looking for the logic in bringing the worlds only chance all to the same spot where Apocalypse was.   
  


"It was a desperate situation, we don't always think everything through till we get there." Eric said, slightly ashamed at his error.   
  


"Yeah well, it worked. No casualties except for the bad guys right?" Evan asked, counting up the team members.   
  


Eric smiled slightly, "We are all accounted for, slight injuries but no casualties." He said, seeming like he was reporting.   
  


"Then let's go, leave no man behind Blink. We gotta go home!" Evan said as he gave Blink a kiss.   
  


A quick instant later the team, the Externals and Wolverine and Jean Gray were standing in the planning room of the X-men hide out. "Cool, making out and teleporting do mix!!" Evan cheered as he sat in a nearby chair, Blink sat down on his lap.   
  


"Yeah, it was pretty cool." She commented.   
  


*************   
  


One week later.   
  


(In the Adam Sandler 'hot water burn the baby' voice.)   
  


Evan embraced Blink, "Well, It's time to go. I got something for you." He said as he pulled out a small cell phone type device. "We can talk on this." He said, handing it to her.   
  


Blink hugged him tight. "Thanks! This has been the best month of my life." She said, giving him a peck on the cheek.   
  


A few feet away Josh was saying his own goodbyes as Evan and Blink started to make out.   
  


"See you later Magneto." Josh said, extending a hand to the master of magnetism who accepted it and shook it firmly.   
  


"It's been interesting fighting with you. I hope I can one day find another fighter as skilled as you and your friend.   
  


Josh shook his head and chuckled. "I don't think you'll have to worry about that. You have all the power you'll need. Especially after, we trashed Apocalypses crib. He'll be pissed but you'll be fine."   
  


Magneto nodded and shook his hand again.   
  


Evan pulled the Transdimensional Warp gate wormhole opener device thingy from his pocket and pressed the button. The blueish portal opened up and they jumped through the gate. Josh carrying his two kids through as well. "HERE WE GOOOO" Josh said in a Mario like voice. Moments later the gate closed and they were gone.   
  


****************   
  


Author's notes: {We skipped weeks a lot didn't we? Well it was fun any way. In the next episode we'll do stuff but I won't tell you what cause you'll have to read the next chapter to find out what happens next. BWA HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!}   
  


(What my friend here is saying is, we honestly have no clue as to what is going on. You can tell from the long exaggerated laugh. Anywho, Magneto is strange. Mph kay. I'm addict to gelato. Which is Italian ice cream from you who don't know. Yes and now I'm an alcoholic in real life, not just in the fic. I went to Italy for nine days and it was all wine and Heineken, god bless Heineken.)   
  


{I don't like alcohol at all. I've never touched the stuff and never will. I also will never touch Drugs, cigarettes or coffee. Coffee is a drug as well. If you've ever seen that horrible show Gilmore Girls you'd realize how addicting that shit is. IT'S ALL THEY DRINK!!! They don't say "Lorely would you like some water? Milk? Fruit juice? BEER!?!?!?" NOOOO!!! It's "I'll go get some coffee without asking because I know how hoplessly addicted you, I and the entire town is to this black ass dribble liquid." My Mom and sister watch this show religiously. It's really sad. They kicked me of HANNIBAL When I was in the MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE!!! Justr so they could watch Gilmore Girls. I want those horrible actors to DIE!!!}   
  


Heavy breathing.   
  


{Okay I'm done.}   
  


(Dude, you could use some coffee.)   
  


{AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
  
  
  



	15. Hey not the neck!

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Self Insertion   
  


Disclaimer:You should know the drill by now.   
  


You should know all the rest that come after as well. If you've read THIS far!   
  


Chapter 15   
  


Hey not the neck!   
  


A desolate street. Nobody around the trees in the distance swaying in the wind like a bunch of monkeys doing the wave. The wind picked up all of a sudden and a portal opens in the middle of the trees.   
  


"YIII!"   
  


Thump   
  


"Hey Evan!! We're in a forest!"   
  


"Is it a Mermaid Forest?" Evan asked as he stood up.   
  


"No."Josh said as he stood up and held the web ball holding his children carefully. "I'm pretty sure this is a normal forest. Let's go try to find civilization so that we can find out where we are." Josh walked for a moment. And found a chalk outline in the middle of the grass of a person, he then noticed that they were surrounded by police tape.   
  


"I wanted to see mermaids!" Evan complained. "That chalk outline doesn't look anything like a mermaid."   
  


Evan then ran to catch up with Josh, who was at the edge of the forest by a road. "Hmmm This scene seems familiar." He noted. He shrugged and continued down the road.   
  


************   
  


A few hours later. Joshes stomach growled. He was a she now courtesy of a car and a puddle. The car drove by and then Josh thought it would be fun to jump in the puddle. Who would have thought it would trigger the change. "I'm hungry! How about you?" She asked her companion.   
  


Evan shrugged. "All three of my symbiotes are hungry for brains." Josh shrugged and looked across the street.   
  


"Will a burger do?"   
  


Evan shrugged. "Meh."   
  


So our hero's walked across the street and entered the burger place and they lived happily ever after eating burgers. Josh smiled as he bit into the succulent juicy burger. "You know, the real world's burgers aren't near as good as these ones. Cartoons got it good."   
  


"How do you know this is a cartoon?" Evan asked.   
  


Josh shrugged. "I just saw Alex and Joe from Crimson. I'm going to go talk to them for a bit before Alex wigs out and chased after that chick with the boobs." Josh then got up and walked over to the two vampire's table.   
  


"Most chicks have boobsyou have boobs you're not even a chick."   
  


A spoon impacted with the skull of a certain dumbass.   
  


(I'm not a certain dumbass, I am _the_ dumbass!)   
  


"Hi." Josh said as he stood beside Alex and Joe's table, shifting the weight of her children. "You're Alex Elder right?" She asked. "The, cliché, chosen one?"   
  


Alex looked up from his orgasmic burger and looked confused. "How do you know who I am?" He asked. Josh jumped over Alex and sat between him and the window so that he wouldn't see the vampire gang when they drove by on their motorcycles.   
  


Josh shrugged. "I'm not a vampire so you don't have to worry about that. Why don't you go visit you're family?" Josh asked. "They're probably worried about you. You may be a vampire but that wouldn't matter if you're family truly loved you. And what about you're girl friend? The brown haired chick that works at the coffee shop?"   
  


Alex looked a little angry now as he glared at Josh. "Hey who ARE you! How do you know so much about me?"   
  


Josh chuckled. "You're life is an open book to me Alexan open COMIC book! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh that's a good one, gotta write that down." She muttered to herself.   
  


"Uh Josh you're pissing off vampires. Is that smart?" Evan asked as he walked up to the table.   
  


Josh smirked. "The day a vampire gets the best of me and my Spider Sense is the day I no actually it'll just never happen."   
  


Joe looked confused. "Spider Sense? Like Spider Man? Only a girl?" He asked.   
  


Josh looked surprised. "What!? You have comic books here?! Hmmm I didn't think either of you would get that reference. Being another universe and all. Ah well I'm outta here!" Josh said as she jumped over Alex and stuck to the ceiling. Walking out of the Burger joint upside down.   
  


Josh then spun a web line and started swinging after the vampire biker gang.   
  


Evan looked at the two vampires. "Um, sorry about my friend, she is kind of nuts after her wife had kids. Overprotective and insane. I think it's that time of month if you know what I mean." Evan said, apologizing to the vampires.   
  


They shrugged it of, "You should probably go catch your friend before someone kills her." Evan nodded laughing a bit. Joe continued, "NO, I'm serious, I seen this vampire biker gang drive by and she started chasing them. You really should stop her." Evan's eyes went wide.   
  


"This is going to be a long night." He muttered as he morphed his legs into the crimson armour and took off at a high speed after Josh.   
  


*************   
  


A few minutes later Evan found Josh, stalking something in a local subway. He crept up on his friend and whispered from a distance. "Jooossshhh. Oh Joooosssshhh. What is God's name are you doooing. They are vampiiiirrres. They bit peeeople. It huuurts."   
  


All of a sudden Evan felt something bite his neck. "Huh?" Evan turned around and saw a black vampire chick with huge jubblies. "Oh I see what he meant." Evan then proceeded to pummel the vampire as more appeared and Josh came to the rescue, with his kids in a backpack of webbing. Evan already killed them all though. He was going completely insane. Tentacles of symbiote flew in random directions, his crimson armour, and the Guyver turning on and off, and Evan was thrashing about wildly screaming in utter agony. His symbiotes then flew off of him in every direction and he fell to the ground dead. Josh looked at the bloody mess of a subway and frowned. "Oh poo." I guess I'll just wait for him to turn into a vampire. She said as she noticed the bite marks in his neck.   
  


***********************   
  


Four hours later. "Whoah what hit me?" Evan asked as he came back to unlife.   
  


Josh smiled as he stared at Evan. "How do you feel?" She asked.   
  


Evan looked around and squinted his eyes. "Strange I've only got one voice in my head MINE!!! Creepy. Other than that, , I'm hungry." Josh smirked.   
  


"For blood?"   
  


"Uh not really. Is it Mermaid Blood?"   
  


Joshes face dropped and she looked at him confused. "Where are you getting this Mermaid crap!?"   
  


Evan shrugged. "I don't know Ask Rumiko Takahashi. She should know She knows all. About stuff."   
  


Josh punched him.   
  


"What was that for?" Evan asked as he rubbed his jaw. "I could use some food and you deck me." Evan shook his head. "This world is crazy."   
  


Josh just stared at him. "You have no idea what happened to you. Do you?" Evan raised an eyebrow curiously.   
  


"And should I? I mean I feel normal except the fact that no voices are telling me I want brains for every meal of the day. And I'd say that's an improvement if I ever saw one." Evan said, crossing his arms.   
  


"Ok, then I will break the news to you. Evan, you have been turned." Evan looked confused.   
  


"And?"   
  


"Idiot! You are a vampire now! Your symbiotes left you after you died!" Josh screamed, upsetting Morden.   
  


"Ok, that explains the pain in the neck and the lack of voices. So, what now? I mean, I just became immortal unless someone hits me with garlic or splashes me with water that some TV priest said was good for them. I say party till dawn!" Evan said walking up to the curtains that where drawn shut. "Or is it dawn now?"   
  


Josh shrugged. "I've been down here in the subway with you and the dead vampires since you went crazy and lost you're symbiotes they died by the way. I'll go get us some burgers. Apparently in this universe their healthy is that not the scariest thought?"   
  


Evan nodded, "I suppose, but burgers can't kill me. Tanks can't kill me! Only a spice can kill me!!! This is cool!!" He screamed as he started to float without knowing it.   
  


Josh shrugged. "You better wake up Evan! The world you live in is just a sugar coated topping! There"   
  


Evan cut her off. "No! No Blade speech!!" Evan said.   
  


Josh shrugged. "It seemed appropriate. I'll do it when we get to the actual Blade Universe. I'm pretty sure we will."   
  


Josh then left for the burger place. "I think I'll go see what Ape face is up to." She muttered and then skipped out of the subway towards the old abandoned church that the old ugly guy is shackin up at. As Josh skipped across town in thje daylight she sang the Green Acres song.   
  


"Greeeeen acres is the place to be. 

Faaaaaarm livin is the life for me. 

Laaaaaaand stretched out it's so far and wide! 

Keep manhattan just give me that countryside. 

Badaba da ba 

BA. BA."   
  


Josh then stopped when he came upon the old church, chapel, whatever. And walked inside. "EEEEEKIIII!!! EKIMUUUUSSS!! APE FACEEEE!!!!" Josh looked around and then shrugged. "Now I am all alone!" She said sadly before a dark ominous figure appeared from the shadow.   
  


"Who are you girl?" He asked in a dark voice.   
  


Josh put on her best anime chick face and jumped at Ekimus. "It's so CUUUUUTTE!" She yelled as she hugged the Vampire like creature. "You're like a big fluffy teddy bear!!from hell." Josh then stepped back and looked seriously at the flabbergasted immortal. "So how's Satan? He get those cookies I sent?"   
  


************   
  


(In Hell) Satan looked at the gift wrapped package in front of him in confusion. He opened it to reveal a basket of chocolate chip cookies. "How the hell did these get down here?" He mused to himself. He then shrugged and devoured the sweet treats.   
  


************   
  


Ekimus looked confused. "Are you on drugs?" He asked.   
  


"No. I hate drugs, for the devil they are." Josh said looking serious. Then she cracked a bit of a smile, "Well maybe just a little."   
  


Ekimus shook his head. "Who are you and how do you know my name?" He asked darkly.   
  


"I read it in a comic and I am Josh. Plain. Simple. Aquatransexual." Josh said, seemingly unphased.   
  


Ekimus looked the young girl over. "A comic? I doubt you are telling the truth. Your identity is also questionable. And to be Frank, this is not a good impression to be giving an immortal." He stated.   
  


"I'm a friend of Alex. Let's leave it at that." Josh offered.   
  


Ekimus nodded. "Finally a reasonable answer. Alex is prone to get some interesting friends as a vampire. Now then, I'll believe you till I have a reason not to, but I am curious as to your business here."   
  


"Social visit. Thought I could hang with you guys. Sides, Alex doesn't have much to do now that my friend killed the vampire gang that turned him." Josh said, pulling up a half rotted chair.   
  


"So your friend killed them. Interesting. I suppose you can stay here for a short period of time. So long as Alex permits it." Ekimus said, intrigued by the girls not present friend. "So tell me about your friend."   
  


************** 

Evan sat in a pool of vampire blood. "This is boring. I thought vampires could have fun, but I can't even go out on the town except at night and that isn't for a long time. And I'm a messy killer." He said, admiring his handywork. "I really dressed this place up with intestines." He said grimly as he started to spell his name in the pool of drying blood. "And I'm even developing morbid vampire humor. This is a turn for the worse. I should probably call Blink and tell her I'm undead. She'd get a kick out of that." He mused, remembering his intricate version of playing dead.   
  


Evan dug the phone out of his back jean pocket. "Having to do work for myself is new. I kind of like not being dependant on alien lifeforms." He thought out loud as he punched in the code for Blink's phone.   
  


After a few minutes a picture of Blink's face appeared on the small view screen of the phone. "Hey hon." Evan said, sounding kind of downtrodden.   
  


Blink smiled "How are you Evy? You sound sad. What happened?" Evan smiled slightly.   
  


"Well I died for one thing. Then I became a vampire." Blink looked horrified.   
  


"Y-You're joking. Right? Please say you're joking." Evan shook his head and bared his fangs.   
  


"No can do. A vamp snuck up on me and bit me before I could do anything. I-I wanted you to know." Evan hung his head, his fangs turning back to normal teeth.   
  


"Well I'm glad you just told me outright instead of hiding it. Is there any cure? I mean you are the smartest person I know, you have to come up with something!" She said, pleading desperately but knowing that nothing could be done.   
  


Evan shook his head again. "I have to deal with it. I'll work on the cure, but I don't know if I'll be successful. But I'll try at least." He said with a tinge of hope sparked from his girlfriend.   
  


"And Evan." Blink said, her words faltering slightly.   
  


"More bad stuff?" Evan asked.   
  


"Depends on your point of view. I'd say it is something to counter act the bad." Evan looked intrigued.   
  


"Go on."   
  


"I'm pregnant!" Blink said cheerily.   
  


Evan perked up a bit. "That's good. I'm happy for you."   
  


Blink smiled. "Be happy for both of us. I got time off the field so that the baby can be born without problems."   
  


Evan forced a smile. "So the old War horse is letting one of his troops actually take a break? This is new." He joked.   
  


Blink laughed. "Yeah, if I had known before I'd be pregnant all the time." Evan smiled, this time not having to force it.   
  


"Well, I had better go. Bye. And thanks Blink."   
  


"Sure thing baby. See you later." She said as the screen went black.   
  


"I'm a dad." Evan muttered. "I am definitely not ready for this." He said as he leaned back on one of the only clean spots in his vicinity. "I don't know if I should cry or jump for joy. This is too weird."   
  


**************   
  


Josh looked around the old cathedral and smiled. "This place is a dump!" Ekimus frowned but said nothing and continued leading Josh to wherever the hell they were going. "This place could definitely use a woman's touch." Josh said. "If only there was a woman around that could stand the sight of you."   
  


Ekimus hand balled into a fist and he frowned as he lead her on.   
  


"HEY! How about Liseth! She's the mother of all vampires. I'm sure she wouldn't mind cleaning up a bit here and there. After all she slept with you. Those would be some weird kids." She said, muttering the last part under her breath.   
  


"How do you!?" Ekimus questioned the blonde haired girl.   
  


Josh shrugged. "I don't know."   
  


Ekimus growled and then turned around in a huff. Josh began mimicking his every move and then when Ekimus turned around to glare at her for it she was gone. "Where did she go?" He wondered. As he looked around the large room.   
  


"YOO HOOO!!! Up here ape face!" Josh said as she clung to the ceiling. I really fooled you that time. HA!" Josh then jumped down to face the demon person thingy.   
  


*She know's so much about us! About ME!* Ekimus thought as he stared at the girl. *She has the ability to walk in the sunlight and can fly. She's a vampire! She must be THE CHOSEN ONE!!*   
  


"No I'm not!" Josh said. "Alex is the Chosen one. You know that! He's the one destined to kill Liseth and all even though it's actually you who does but who really pays attention to that. The good looking people get all the credit. Too bad you don't fit into that category eh Eki?" Josh said digging an elbow into the older one's ribs.   
  


That was the last straw and Ekimus thrust out a fist towards the Aquatransexual. Josh jumped up and dodged it. She then began jumping around Ekimus and gave him a few hundred Amaguriken punches. When Ekimus was laid out on the ground defeated Josh smiled. "That was fun. Same time tomorrow ugly?" Josh then walked away. "When is Alex going to get here?"   
  


**********************   
  


Alex and Joe had been searching all night for the elusive vampire biker gang that Josh had chased. Finally their search ended in a subway. "Hey! You are the guys from the burger place!" Evan called out to the vampire pair. "Yeah, you missed the action. But then, so did I in a way I just confused myself." Evan said, raising an eyebrow in an attempt to get his point back.   
  


"What do you mean 'missed the action'?" Alex asked.   
  


"Um look around. I just happen to be sitting in the gore of many a biker vampire. Fear not world for I Evan have smitten these foul beasts without even realising what was going on." Evan joked, raising one hand in the air to emphasize his point.   
  


"YOU WHAT!?!" Alex screamed. "THEY WHERE MINE!!"   
  


Joe held his friend back. "Calm down Alex, at least the bastards got what they deserved." He said looking at the mess. "And then some." He muttered.   
  


"Yeah well, They bit me and my super powered symbiotes responded violently." Evan said passing a hand over the carnage.   
  


Alex calmed down slightly. "Well, I can't do anything about it now." He said, shaking his head disappointedly.   
  


Joe nodded. "Well, I guess we stay here for now." He said, changing the topic, "Cause it's day now, and we'd get pretty toasty if we tried."   
  


Evan laughed. "Ah the irony of being immortal. You can live forever but you can't do a thing.." He mused.   
  


All of a sudden Joe pulled out a bag of Burgers from out of nowhere. "Chu guy hungry?" He asked.   
  


Evan shrugged. "You got fries?"   
  


*****************   
  


"SHE'S DRIVING ME INSANE!!!" Ekimus screamed as he clutched his head. "why woný she stop singing?" He wondered sadly.   
  


Josh all of a sudden came out of the shower but naked and walked around. "Hey! Kimus! Where the junk food at!?" A pinkish blue glow then suirrounded the room and Josh smiled. "Ah my wife is here."   
  


"Wife?' Ekimus wondered as he stared at the strange pink glow, careful not to harm the twins that he was entrusted to hold while Josh took her shower.   
  


A brown haired woman all of a sudden appeared in front of Ekimus. She noticed the children in the immortal's arms and screamed as loud as she could. Josh frowned as she noticed that a strange immortal monstrous being was holding her children. "Kasumi! You've got the wrong idea!" The naked female josh said in defence of Ekimus.   
  


Kasumi ran over to Josh and embraced the magically transformed martial artist. "What is that thing doing with our babies!?" She said fearful for her children's safety.   
  


Josh smiled and waved it off. "Relax! That's Ekimus, he's a vampire like demon who is the former lead general for the armies of Hell. He's harmless! Mord and Lil are perfectly safe with him!" Kasumi went pale.   
  


"How long have you known him? Uh it is him right?"   
  


Josh frowned. "Sometimes I wonder! I met him about twenty minutes ago."   
  


SMACK!!   
  


Kasumi slapped her inter-dimensional husband and glared at him. "YOU ENTRUSTED THE SAFETY OF OUR CHILDREN TO A DEMON YOU JUST MET!!!!!!!!!!" She screamed.   
  


Josh shuddered in all her nakedness. Did I mention she's naked!? Kasumi's aura turned a visible red colour. "This does not bode well." Josh muttered before being flattened by a mallet that was twice his size. "ow." She muttered. Josh jumped up with bruises all over her body and glared at her wife. "YOU SHOULD'NT BE ABLE TO DO THAT IN THIS UNIVERSE!!! PUT IT AWAY BEFORE YOU DISRUPT THE QUANTUM TIME ENERGIES!!! Or something along those lines." Josh yelled at Kasumi.   
  


They stopped and looked at each other for a moment, both of them breathing heavily. "Y'know it's been a while." Josh muttered. She looked over to Ekimus and looked serious for once. "Watch our kids a few seconds longer Ape face. We'll be right back."   
  


Josh then grabbed Kasumi's hand and the two ran out of the large room to find some place, private.   
  


Ekimus stared at the space where he had last seen the pair and looked confused. "How the hell do two girls have babies?" He wondered out loud. Just before Joe and Alex, along with their new pal Evan(smile), came up through the trap door that leads through the sewer systems of the city.   
  


"So Al, introduce me to your big friend." Evan said as he rung sewer water out of his socks.   
  


"That's Ape face." Joe stated, "And he had babies! Who is the lucky lady?"   
  


Ekimus was still in a state of shock, pondering the chances of two women having a child, let alone twins.   
  


"Hey. Isn't that Morden and Lilith?" Evan questioned the pondering ponderer of an immortal.   
  


"Yes, that is what their mother called them"   
  


"Blond hair?" Evan asked, Ekimus nodded, still seeming to be spaced out.   
  


"Oh, that's not their mom! That's their dad!"   
  


Ekimus surely would have face faulted if the universe's physics would allow him. "WHAT!! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!!"   
  


"I don't have to go through the birds and the bees do I?" Evan questioned with a groan.   
  


Ekimus looked strangely at the boy. "No. I have lived long enough to figure that out myself."   
  


"Not those bees and birds! The springs of _drowned_ birds or bees!!" Evan said, making a happy arm gesture.   
  


"Wha." Ekimus said, showing his confusion.   
  


"I'll demonstrate. This, is Joe." Evan said, making a Vana White gesture towards the vampire named Joe. "This is a bucket." He said, summoning a bucket from nowhere with the almost forgotten magic powers he possessed.   
  


"How did he do that?" Alex asked Joe.   
  


"Where did he get that bucket?" Ekimus muttered to no one in particular.   
  


"Joe is a male. If I empty the buckets contents on Joe he is no longer male!" Evan said as he tossed the bucket onto Joe's head.   
  


"When did that water get there?" A female version of Joe asked.   
  


"J-Joe." Alex said in a state of disbelief.   
  


"What?" Joe asked.   
  


"You've got boobs."   
  


Joe looked down. "Yeah I do CHU GONNA DIE HONKIE!!!" He screamed as he leapt towards Evan in a state of pure rage. Evan tried to do his card trick on Joe butt it worked too well and Joe went flying through the roof into the daylight, opening up a large sun roof letting more light in. Alex and Ekimus got out of the way before they fried and hid in the shadows.   
  


"YOU BASTARD!!" Alex yelled at Evan, who was starting to sizzle, having forgotten about the Vampire thing.   
  


"He'll live, I made him turn into a HUMAN girl! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. OWW! THE FLESH IT FEELS LIKE BACONBURNING!!!!!!" Evan then jumped into the shadows, when sufficiently hidden from the light hew smiled. "mmmm bacon."   
  


About a minute later, a clothed, female Josh and Kasumi, heavily sweating, came back into the room. Before they could get a word out Evan yelled. "Wasn't me!"   
  


Josh smiled and stood in the sunbeam. "Ah sunroof. C'mon Kas, let's enjoy it's glowing warmth." Josh sat down and looked happy, Kasumi joined her and they held hands while watching the Joe silhouette fall towards them. "Isn't that nice?" Josh said before a pink glow made Kasumi disappear and Joe landed on her. "Oof."   
  


"Who is this woman?" Josh asked indicating Joe.   
  


"That's Joe." Evan said. "I gave him some nyanichuann." Josh nodded. "Oh welcome to the club!" Josh said taking Joe's hand in his own.   
  


"My name is Joe and I'm an alcoholic!" Joe muttered in pain before falling into unconsciousness.   
  


********************   
  


"So you two are a pair of normal people from a normal world that were sent into another dimension after reading a spell that you got off the Internet and now you travel across dimensions looking for your home dimensions, picking up strange things in every dimension." Alex asked incredulously.   
  


Josh nodded. "Yeah that's about it. But, we haven't really picked up something from every Universe. I just got married on the first one, and got Spider Man powers in the second one. It's no biggy." Joe looked confused.   
  


"But why did'jour stupit friend turn me into a woman?" Joe asked.   
  


Josh shrugged. "He does stuff like that. It's because he has a tendency to be a complete dumbass at times and an absolute genius other times. "   
  


"Oh." Evan smiled as thought he didn't comprehend a word that came out of either of their mouths. As Joe said this.   
  


"So who wants burgers?" Josh asked. Everyone shrugged and they all went to get burgers. They all lived happily ever after. (Will you STOP THAT!?)   
  


******************   
  


THWIP!!   
  


"Look ma! It's Spider Man!" The woman in her thirties looked up and sure enough a person was swinging through the city on weblines making way to a nearby burger joint. Josh glided through the air and waved to some of the people below as they took pictures and stared at the airial display above them. Just then Josh heard sirens nearby. "Hmmm." She muttered. "Must be a robbery going on?" Josh did an about face and sweung towards the sirens hoping to catch a piece of the action. To the amazing spider Girl's confusion the Police car was coming towards her and stopped once it reached her.   
  


A police man stepped out of the car and pulled out a megaphone. "Maám? I'm going to ask you to stop where you are and put your hands behind your head! You are creating a public disturbance." Josh looked shocked and dropped down to the street below.   
  


Josh pulled out a badge that she carried around with her and walked up to the policeman. "I am an officer of the LAW!!" Josh yelled. "I don't always have my uniform on but I am ALWAYS on duty!" Josh put away her badge and turned around. To leave.   
  


"Hold on missy!" The policeman said. "Let me see that badge! You don't look any older than 18 years old. You can't be a cop!"   
  


Josh walked up and handed the man her badge. "I have ahusband(shudder) and TWO children to provide for. However young I am doesn't matter. This is a job and I need it!" Josh then yanked her badge back and smiled. "Have a nice day officer." She said before spinning a web to a nearby building.   
  


"Meleunski?" The officer said to his partner.   
  


"Yeah?" Melunski replied.   
  


"Have the guys at the station look up a Josh VanHalteren. There's something fishy about this chick."   
  


"Fishy? She has a guy's name!" Melunski said.   
  


"Too true."   
  


*******************   
  


Evan hung from the ceiling with his new vampire claws. *This is fun. No wonder Josh hangs on ceilings all the time. * Evan sighed deeply. *I really need something to do other than hang from a ceiling... but what? * Evan hung there for a few minutes pondering.   
  


"YESSS!!!!.... no.... YESSS!!!.... no.... YESSSSSSSSSSSssssssss.... no. Sssssssss... THAT COULD WORK!!!" Both Alex and Joe stared at the newly turned vampire with a look of pure confusion.   
  


"What is he doing?" Alex asked, unable to turn away from the odd spectacle.   
  


"I think he's on drugs." Joe commented, Alex nodded his agreement.   
  


Evan flipped off of the ceiling and landed on his feet, leaving a small crater in the floor. "See you guys later!! I'm going to become a intergalactic assassin!!" Both Joe and Alex stared at the underground tunnel Evan had just entered. "Wha?" They both said.   
  


********   
  


Evan wandered the subway tunnels of New York looking for gun wielding thugs to kill. *I need weapons. And New York is the only place to go!* He mentally exclaimed as he waved thousand yen bills around and screamed in Japanese. "PLEASE MUG ME!!! I WANT TO TAKE YOUR WEAPONS AND DRINK YOUR BLOOD!!"   
  


All of a sudden a dirty man with bloodshot eyes walked up to Evan with a magnum in hand. "Give me all your money." He said as he pointed the gun at Evan's chest.   
  


"No." Evan responded in perfect English as he leapt for the man's throat. Six shots rang through the empty subway station, three of which impacted with Evan. "Ouch. Those sting. Betcha this hurts more though!" Evan grinned as he grabbed the man by the neck and sunk his teeth in deep, then proceeded to drain the man of his vital fluids. (BLOOD YOU PERVS!!! you have a disgusting mind.)   
  


Five minutes later Evan finished loading the magnum. "Jackpot." He stated as he wiped the blood from his mouth. "Just like Deadpool... hehehe... just like Deadpool..."   
  


***********   
  


"Get anything Melunski?" Asked the police officer who was currently standing over another man at a desk who was currently typing at a computer.   
  


The man spun around in his chair and looked confused. "Yeah. Check it out." Melunski then pointed to the screen that had a police record of a man who was twenty years old with long blonde hair and had at least fourteen arrest warrants in fourteen countries. "This guy Josh VanHalteren is actually one of the most wanted criminals in the world, theft, burglary first degree murder, you name it he's done it!"   
  


The other officer stroked the goatee on his chubby ass face and frowned. "So this ass hole played us for fools... he's probably got all sorts of high tech thieving and killing devices. That officer Spider Girl thing was just a clever ruse."   
  


"Looks that way."   
  


"We've got to do EVERYTHING in our power to bring this perp down. Now that we know where he is!"   
  


***************   
  


Josh, currently in female form and in civies, was laughing her head off. "That was the funniest thing I've ever seen!" She muttered to herself while wiping the tears from her eyes. The credits on the large silver screen rolled and she stood up to leave the theater. She had just realized earlier that this world had some huge similarities to her own... they had comics... and movies based on comics. She had just finished watching Blade 2.   
  


Just then she was stopped by two security guards. "Excuse us miss. How old are you?" Asked one of them.   
  


Josh shrugged. "How old do you think I am?"   
  


The other guy glared at her. "We's asked you'se foist!"   
  


"You tell em Sluck!" The other man cheered him on.   
  


"Tanks Grimey." He then turned his attention back to Josh. "Di here movies Rated R! How old is you'se!"   
  


Josh giggled and put on the little school girl act. "I'm twelve!" She said happily. Sluck growled. And shoved her out the door.   
  


"You ain't allowed to see this movie!"   
  


Josh looked confused. "But I already SAW it." Sluck and Grimey looked at each other and then glared at Josh.   
  


"We's Betta teach dis broad hea a lesson!" Grimey proposed.   
  


Sluck nodded and cracked his knuckles as the two advanced towards Josh who smiled wickedly. *You idiots! With the perception point, and after watching Blade 2 this has got to be the STUPIDEST thing possible.*   
  


Sounds of pain traveled from the theater out onto the street. And Sluck and Grimey swore revenge on the Girl who made them suffer that day.   
  


*****************   
  


Evan walked into a ammo shop on the main street of New York. "Excuse me sir? Do you take yen?" Evan asked the cashier.   
  


The man grunted and pointed to a sign that read, we except all currency. A forty dollar exchange cost will apply.   
  


Evan shrugged and tossed the man four hundred dollars in yen. "Do you have anything in the sniper category?" Evan asked.   
  


The man nodded and motioned to the wall beside him. Evan looked the weapons over and pointed to the largest one, with a 400X scope. "I'll need that one and 4000 rounds for it. Oh, and two uzis, one auto shotgun, and a nine millimeter semi automatic with a laser range finder and a silencer. And five hundred rounds for each of these guns." The man's eyes went wide.   
  


"Why do you need all of this hardware?" Evan shrugged.   
  


"Just a lover of guns and hunting."   
  


"Uzis? For hunting?" The man asked as he got together the ammo and weapons.   
  


Evan nodded. "I'm a high tech hunter, got to have the best of everything or those damn deer will get away. They have evolved."   
  


The man behind the counter nodded. "And how are you going to pay for all this?"   
  


Evan hauled out his stash and tossed a wad of yen on the counter. "Cash. Any problems with cash?" The man shook his head no and looked greedily at the wad of bills.   
  


Evan picked up the weapons and strapped them to his back and sides. "Oh yeah. DO you carry any bullet proof armor?"   
  


The man nodded. "Deer shooting back?"   
  


"How did you guess? Yeah, well I need full body bullet proof armor and a thick black trench coat with deep pockets and some military boots. Those deer killed my dad and I'm gonna get em back!" Evan said, pounding his hand on the counter for emphasis.   
  


The man barely kept from laughing as he gathered the other requested items, which Evan put on over his normal clothes. He tossed another wad of yen at the man and walked out of the store looking badass with all of his guns and black clothing.   
  


Five minutes later the man sorted through the money and noticed something was wrong. "THIS IS MONOPOLY MONEY!!!" A single shot flew through the window and impacted with the man's head.   
  


Evan sat on the roof of a nearby building, a smoking sniper rifle in his hands. "Ah monopoly... greatest game in life... or unlife..."   
  


*********   
  


Josh smiled as she walked through downtown New York. "What a lovely place." She said as she skipped down the dark city. "All the shops stay open late, it's organized, crime free and the people are so friendly!"   
  


"Gimme all you're money!" Came a voice from a nearby alley.   
  


"DAMMIT! That's the FOURTH time in the LAST TWO BLOCKS!! Do you guys do this on purpose!?!" Josh screamed at the mugger with the huge shotgun! Josh sighed and made a move as if she was pulling out her wallet as she walked towards the grungy man. Just as she pulled out her wallet, her other hand moved forward and grabbed the shotgun crushing it into useless scrap. "Don't make me beat you up too." She said with an evil glare.   
  


The looked scared and surprised. "YOU'RE A VAMPIRE!!" He said as he bared his vampiric teeth.   
  


Josh shook her head. "Naw but I know how to kill them en mass." With that. Josh pulled out a silver stake from her black trench coat, via blade and stabbed the man through the heart. The man burned up and turned to ash in moments and Josh smiled. "God that movie was addicting."   
  


Josh then walked away. She jumped to a nearby roof top and began roof hopping. Just then she saw somebody on a nearby rooftop, with a black trench coat sniping people. "Looks like somebody else liked that movie just a little too much as well." She said as she landed near the guy.   
  


She listened in on what he was saying before speaking up.   
  


BANG!   
  


"Not a vampire."   
  


BANG!   
  


"Not a vampire."   
  


BANG!   
  


"Not a vampire."   
  


BANG!   
  


"Woo hoo that's three!"   
  


Josh looked over the edge and notice there was over 100 people dead on the street and three piles of ash. "Three thousand nine hundred bullets to go!" The man said as he reloaded his sniper rifle.   
  


"Evan I know this is another universe but they ARE people."   
  


"No their not!" Evan said as he fired of another shot. "Not a vampire."   
  


Josh sighed and sat down on the ledge knocking the rifle from his hands and to the street below.   
  


"MY PRECIOUS!!!" Evan screamed as the gun landed.   
  


"OUCH!!" Came a scream from below. Evan whipped out his shotgun and fired a round before Josh could do anything.. Josh knocked Evan backwards before he could do any more damage. "Not a vampire." Evan muttered.   
  


"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!?!" Josh screamed in anger.   
  


"Ridding the world... or at least New York... of all vampires but myself."   
  


"YEAH AND EVERYTHING ELSE!!" Josh retorted.   
  


Evan shrugged and pulled out another gun from his trench coat, shooting over the edge again.   
  


BANG!   
  


"Not a vampire."   
  


"THAT WAS A DOG YOU MORON!!"   
  


"HEY!! DOGS CAN BE VAMPIRES TOO!!! There was a movie about that in the sixties or something." Evan said.   
  


"VAMPIRES DRINK HUMAN BLOOD!!!"   
  


Evan pondered this for a second. "But that movie was terrible.. Magic made a vampire dogs card... but that was only decent... hmm.. There is knowledge in your words Josh chan. But I must perform my quest faithfully or my soul will never be accepted into the heavens... or some shit like that."   
  


"Why don't we just get some burgers?"   
  


"Good by me. I just have to grab my guns. I have to be ready for my new job." Evan said as he floated over the edge and down to the street, his shotgun already retrieved and in hand with a shell loaded.   
  


"New job? What new job?" Josh said as she jumped down after Evan. 

"Assassin for hire. God bless Deadpool and his inspiration." Evan said as he reloaded his sniper rifle and looked it finding no scratches on it he strapped it to his back. "Think they'll let me into McD's with this?"   
  


"I've seen weirder I've already killed four vampires tonight and beaten up three muggers."   
  


Evan waved a hand at Josh's remark and bent down beside a dead body. "That's nothing. Look at my carnage." He said spreading his arms and surveying the destruction. "Not a hole in a building... only in the head."   
  


"Have you taken into account that more than likely 100% of them were innocent bystanders?" Josh asked with a glare.   
  


Evan picked up the dead body he was closest to and extracted some blood. Afterwards he smiled at Josh. "Predatory instincts. Everything I don't know is my enemy. Therefore it must be food or dead. Either way it ends in dead." He said as he wiped the blood from his mouth and licked it from his fingers. "O positive, my favorite."   
  


"Right well lets get out of here before someone tries to arrest us."   
  


Evan pulled out his customized 9mm, clicked off the safety and cocked it in one motion. "No biggie."   
  


**********   
  


Later at the local burger joint, everyone in the restaurant stared nervously at the sniper rifle on Evan's back and the 9mm by his left hand as he ate a burger and fries... orgasmically.   
  


Evan took a break from his food and picked up his 9 milli, he looked it over and turned to Josh. "So you like the artillery?'   
  


Josh nodded, "Yeah, it's pretty cool. But killing random people is wrong Evan. Going Deadpool is one thing, but innocents? I don't know."   
  


Evan shrugged. "They have it coming."   
  


"Are you jealous that they're still alive or something?" Josh asked raising one eyebrow.   
  


"SHUT UP!!! I AM NOT!!!... Ok, maybe that's a bit of it...." Evan said, looking semi ashamed.   
  


"Stop killing people randomly or I'll kill you okay? I just watched Blade 2. Notice all the vampire killing hardware. I won't hesitate because I've killed lots of people before and they all deserved it... you keep killing randomly and YOU'LL deserve it." Josh said.   
  


"I thought I smelt Garlic... So, you would kill your only friend and the only way you could possibly get home? Cause I doubt it. I mean, it's one thing to have it coming to you, but your friend? I know I could but that would mean I'm _damn_ hungry! Even with my vamp instincts it would be a struggle." Evan said, pocketing his gun and taking a long sip of his coke.   
  


"True. It would take longer to get home but... ah your right I won't kill you... just beat you to near death. Over and over again of course." Josh said with a smile.   
  


The waitress who was standing beside their table was sweating slightly. "Can I take your orders?" She asked. Josh smiled at her.   
  


"No thanks... want to go out Friday Legs?" She asked the waitress blushed and ran away into the back room. Josh chuckled. "That'll never get old."   
  


Evan laughed at Josh's little joke. "Ah, humor. The only thing better than killing. You know, vampire senses make dead people smell good. I never thought it possible. But about the beatings. That might be a bad idea. I mean, I am dead, so beating me half to death might actually mean beating me half to life..."   
  


Josh shook her head. "You haven't seen Blade 2 yet have you? Breaking a vampire's neck will kill them. And they can be hurt quite badly. The ending was funny."   
  


Evan shrugged. "Meh. I haven't seen the movie. And who says that Blade physics apply here? We'll have to find a vamp and snap some necks as a experiment. But the general idea makes sense. No feeling in lower area could make the brain think that nothing is wrong therefore nothing heals... hmm... sensical." Evan said before finishing his burger.   
  


Josh packed the rest of her burger in her big mouth and swallowed in one big gulp. "Mmmm choking." She said before standing up and walking out the door without paying. Evan followed and they headed back to the Vampcave to hang with Joe and Alex.   
  


Josh and Evan stopped when a voice rang up behind them screaming. "Hey you have to pay!" both Josh and Evan unsheathed a gun each and pointed it at the fat bastard of a manager.   
  


"Start a tab!" Josh said before turning around and walking away.   
  


Evan just stared at the man, aiming his weapon. HE squeezed off one silenced shot and turned around and started walking. 

Josh frowned at evan as he walked up to where she was. "What?" Evan asked innocently. "I didn't kill him!"   
  


"AND THAT'S ANY DAMN BETTER!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! YOU SHOT HIM IN THE BALLS!!! YOU SHOULD SHOOT HIM TO PUT HIM OUT OF HIS MISERY!!!!" Josh screamed.   
  


Evan motioned to where the fat man was rolling on the ground holding his testicles and moaning. "I made sure the gene pool would not be further spoiled by scum like him. Besides I have a one bullet per person rule. Can't break rules can I?"   
  


Josh didn't speak she just punched the black haired devil into a wall... smashing it. "You are grounded until the next slide Evan!" she said sternly.   
  


Evan looked downtrodden. "If I kill him, can I be ungrounded?"   
  


Josh shook her head. She then walked over to Evan, grabbed him and dragged him towards the church that they and Ekimus' crew were holding up at.   
  


******************   
  


Author's notes: {We're evil... oh yeah!}   
  


(Wow... that was inspiring Morden. I feel like a new man. Anywho... we are evil... oh yeah...)   
  


Well anyway, we're all going comics and Cartoons and anime sliders n shit... that's cool. In this universe I'm a serial killer/thief/burglar/international villain/ kidnaper/ every other bad thing. But the real me is still just spider man. In the next chapter we'll beat up vampires and leave this universe. We feel like going to a new one soon. We been here too long. Join us next time for the Spiritual Misadventures of Sluck and Grimey! I mean... Self Insertion.}   
  


(Yeah, so stuff.)   
  


Morden Night: anime_morden@crystal-tokyo.com 

Agasaki Ishano: Agasaki@crystal-tokyo.com   
  


  
  


Bye   
  



	16. If you've read THIS far!

Check out the NEW Hotbot Tell me when this page is updated 

Self Insertion   
  


Disclaimer: You should know the drill by now. Sides... I've got one on the main page.   
  


You should know all the rest that come after as well. If you've read THIS far!   
  


Chapter 16   
  


Josh smiled as she looked over the abandoned warehouse that she and Evan were standing in front of. She recognized it immediately from back in her home dimension when she would read the Crimson comics. She smiled and walked towards it. "What do you think Evan? Think this would be a good place to have as our secret hideout?"   
  


Evan looked at it confused and he put his hand on his chin thoughtfully. "It could use some fixing up... maybe some blinds?"   
  


Josh shook her head and smiled as she stared up at the building. "No... it's got to look abandoned. This will bring some fun times."   
  


Evan smiled. "I suppose, the height is good. I could pick off some vamps from there. Plus it looks like it has enough room to house some equipment so I can work on some items of mass destruction necessary for the job of an inter dimensional assassin, and hey. I might be able to whip together some anti vamp stuff for you, except you have to deal with the silver and garlic." He said as he walked up to the entrance of the warehouse.   
  


Josh shrugged and walked towards the withered and decayed entrance. "Sure whatever."   
  


Evan pushed open the door. "Not a bad place indeed." He said as he walked into the middle of the vast warehouse and drew a circle around himself. "Got to summon some furniture. Any preferences?"   
  


Josh shrugged. "I don't care... just make it look futuristic and badass inside. It's gotta look like complete crap on the outside." She said before jumping top the roof of the rat infested building.   
  


"Meh." Evan said as he cracked his knuckles and closed his eyes. He muttered a few jibberish words and instantly a large stainless steel counter a bit higher than waist height. "Work desk. Check. About twenty feet longer please." As he spoke this the counter expanded to 30 feet long from it's original ten foot long state.   
  


Evan smiled as he motioned a hand behind himself and sat down in a metallic, unstable molecule chair that had formed only seconds ago behind him. "There's my section. Josh-chan wants futuristic..." Evan waved a hand at the wall to the right of him and more of the unstable molecule furniture started to appear, along with a small sword rack with Evan's four katana in it. "Just like home... Or as close to it as I'm going to get for a while." He mused as he did the same to the left wall, just with an empty sword rack. "And Josh's side is complete. Time for my weapon works." He said as he dumped his ill gotten weapons on the stainless steel counter in front of him and began tinkering with them, summoning and unsummoning the required tools.   
  


Meanwhile Josh was sitting on the roof of the warehouse smiling. A pink glow surrounded and as usual his wife Kasumi appeared on the roof with him. Josh smiled up at her and twiddled his fingers very Homer Simpsonishly as he noticed the picnic basket she was carrying. "Oooh home cooking!" He said opening up the basket lid and peeking inside. "You made curry!" Josh then smiled lovingly at her. "That's why I love you so much!" Kasumi smiled.   
  


"I aim to please."   
  


***************   
  


Three days later. Josh growled as he stared at Liseth darkly. She coughed up a mouth ful of blood and then fell to the floor Unconscious. Evan stared down the immortal. "You hurt my friend you _whore_!!!" He said as he formed a axe of purified lava. "Catch!" He said as he tossed the axe.   
  


Liseth leapt aside, missing the axe by inches. "Close. But now it's my turn!" She screamed as she slammed Evan into a nearby brick wall.   
  


Evan's shoulder impacted heavily with the wall. He grunted as he slid down the concrete barrier, "Eat furniture!!!" He yelled as a chesterfield came up out of the ground and attacked Liseth by slamming itself into her ribs. "May I add it is 

urethane polished." Liseth screamed as a part of the chesterfield's wooden frame stabbed into her chest.   
  


"N-NO!!!" Liseth stuttered as she slowly began to turn to dust.   
  


"Y-Y-Y-YES!!!" Evan retorted. "SPIT IT OUT WOMAN!!" He screamed at the pile of dust formerly known as Liseth. "Cool. I killed the Queen of the Damned with a damned piece of furniture. That's one for the history books." He said as he reached into his pocket to get the inter dimensional shifting device.   
  


Evan looked over the completely trashed piece of machinery which was sparking randomly. "Crappy. Now I have to fix this crap machine." He said just as a large spark shot up, almost as a retort to his comments. "STUPID MACHINE!! SHOCK ME!!!" He screamed as he launched the machine at the ground with full vampiric and nanite induced strength. The Quantum flux generator sparked one more and then erupted a shockwave of temporal energy engulfing Josh, and Evan.   
  


**************   
  


Goku, Vegeta, Piccolo, and Gohan stood around a hole in the second level of Bibidi's fortress. Gohan was currently stretching, preparing for his upcoming fight with a demon under the mage's control. "You ready..." Goku started before a strange force overcame him.   
  


"Kakorotte? What is...." The Saiyan prince started before a similar force overcame him.   
  


"You two are..." Piccolo stated, turning his head to the side as another force rushed over him.   
  


Evan stared around at the familiar scene. "I know this place... It's all coming back to me... but where is Vegeta? Stupid Saiyan bastard." Evan said shaking his head, his now long, spiked hair waving with his head. One strand brushed over his eyes. "Wait a second..." Evan said as he looked down on his blue jumpsuit, white gloves and boots. *Intrigue. * He thought. *But only one way to test my theory.* He flexed his forearms and waves of ki rushed through him, his hair changing from pitch black to a golden yellow. "Bitchin!!"   
  


Josh looked around confused. "What the HELL!?!" He said as he looked around. He noticed a guy with golden hair and gay looking blue jumpsuit. "Hey that looks like Vegeta." He stated and pointed at Evan's new form. He then looked down at himself as he noticed his voice was different. "Orange!?!" He stated as he looked at the gayly colored ghi. "I look HORRIBLE in orange"   
  


Vegeta glared at Goku/Josh. "HEY CARROT!! I am SO much stronger than you! And to prove it I will get a number four dragon ball and crush it. CAUSE IT CONTAINS YOUR GRANDFATHER'S SOUL!!!"   
  


Josh looked confused. "Carrot? Dragon ball? Grandfather? Dragon ball? Dragon ball? What's going ON HERE!?!?"   
  


'A strange turn of events this is..indeed...WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?! Am I freaking sick or something, for the love of frogs everywhere, why the hell am I green!?! Dra...drag...dragonball? I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!" Paul/Piccolo screamed. He decided to look around a bit, just to understand...as was the popular method of discovery at the time.   
  


Vegeta struck a dramatic Sailor Moonesque pose. "JOSH!!! IN THE NAME OF THE MOON!!! I THINK IT'S YOU!!!!" Evan/Vegeta screamed as he formed an invisible ki barrier just in case his thoughts proved correct.   
  


Josh looked surprised. "Evan? Is that you?" Goku asked.   
  


Paul looked curious as he heard this. "Josh? Evan? Hmmm I've heard reference to these names in the past." He said as he stroked his green, namekian chin. "I have a few dead friends with the same names." he noted to the other two.   
  


Goku and Vegeta looked towards Piccolo and looked confused. "What's your name?" Goku asked.   
  


"I feel that I should state a similar request to YOU two! Am I wrong...........WHY ARE YOU NOT ANSWERING ME!!!" screeched the odd and green biological superiority. "ANSWER ME!!!"   
  


"Um.... right.... I'll just go destroy the world now..... OR I could start with Gohan. Yes... Gohan it is." Vegeta said as he charged a ki ball in his right hand and reached for Gohan's arm. "Come to Unca' Vegeta. I'm not going to hurt you.... much."   
  


Gohan jumped back and got into a defensive stance. "I don't know what you are trying to do Vegeta... Evan... What ever!!! But I'm not going to let you do what ever you are trying to do... now...." He said as he became very confused.   
  


"Well now, I'm getting a void of colour on the intelli-radar." Vegeta said as he allowed the ki ball to dissipate.   
  


"Um, Evan......actually..is there anything past that...Because this would call for it...wouldn't you agree...um...Evan...HEY VEGGIE MAN!!! WHY are you STILL not LISTENING TO ME!?! I demand Recognition...um...I know some great stir fry...don't MAKE me FRY you, VEGGIE MAN!!!" everybody seemed to go deaf from the horrifically loud screeching of the green superiority, because-"Nobody is listening to me!"   
  


Vegeta clasped his ears to drown out the screech as he approached the Namekian and proceeded to punch it (Asexual Namekian culture. This info care of The mighty Evan!!) into submission. "SHUT UP WOMAN PAUL!!!" Evan/Vegeta screamed as he stood over the almost unconscious Paul. "Thou must not mock the mighty Prince Vegeta!"   
  


"I laugh at you, vile..uh...vile...uh...uh..non...uh...non-green biological inferiority...uh...HAH!" Paul/Piccolo laughed very evilly, as was in tailed in his preceding superior statement. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ha."   
  


Vegeta grinned his classic half smirk grin and began to laugh. "It _is_ Paul!" He said as he used telekinesis to remove a bag of senzu beans from Goku's belt and still using telekinesis force fed Paul one of such beans, Paul's energy returning to normal as he instantly regained consciousness. "Better?" He asked.   
  


"The next person that tries to knock me unconscious is going to get their ass severely and senzuically kicked...wait a minute...uhhh...uhhhh...SHIT! I really have to work on the whole making sense thing." said he as he quickly stood himself up and brushed himself off. He scratched his head until it hurt. "OW!"   
  


"Right..." Josh Goku said, who had been quiet till this point. "So I'm Goku and Paul is here because why?" He queried.   
  


Evan looked at Josh with pity. "Poor, poor uncultured soul, you were unconscious when the wave went off, creating a major temporal disruption and sending Paul here into the body of the mighty Piccolo. You unfortunately got stuck in the extra bitch of this universe. Krillen being the first." Evan stated.   
  


Josh/Goku raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Uh huh...."   
  


"Basically." Evan said as he turned back to Piccolo/Paul. "So, you semi comprehend, or must I explain?"   
  


*These people have definitely got some multiversal education to undergo...yes...I WILL educate them all..but how..how...uh...yes, that's IT! This will be a simple task...for an intellectually superior being like me, of course. *   
  


Evan tapped his foot impatiently. "Any time now.... Aw screw it! I trust your abilities to comprehend my speech." Vegeta said as he reached into a pocket in his jumpsuit. *Weird, I retained my inter dimensional communicator... It has been a week.... Blink calling time!!!* He excitedly thought just as Paul spoke up.   
  


"Who are you calling with your inter dimensional communicator?" He asked.   
  


Vegeta's jaw fell open. "Wha...."   
  


Paul shrugged. "That is an inter dimensional communicator is it not?"   
  


Vegeta pulled himself together. "How in the seven hells did you know what this was?"   
  


Paul shrugged again. "I just do."   
  


Vegeta raised an eyebrow and looked over at Josh who was currently striking up a conversation with his 'son' Gohan. *Time to call Blink.* He thought as he began dialing in the dimensional frequency.   
  


"You missed a number. You are off by .0026 hertz." Paul spoke up.   
  


Vegeta looked over his frequency and nodded. "So I am... WAIT A FREAKEN MINUTE!!! HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT!?!?!!?" He screamed.   
  


Paul shrugged again. "I told you, I just do. And try and call Blink in a minute, she's in the shower now."   
  


Vegeta's jaw fell open once more. "You are bullshiting me.... how would you... never mind."   
  


A few minutes later Vegeta called up Blink who showed up on the monitor in only a towel. "How the hell?" Vegeta muttered.   
  


"Excuse me? Who are you?" Blink asked the new face on her monitor.   
  


"Um, I know this will be weird, but I am Evan, your boyfriend..." Evan stated.   
  


"Ok... how do I know your telling the truth?"   
  


"Remember that time before I was captured by Apocalypse's henchmen? Right after..." Evan said with a smile.   
  


"EVAN!! What happened to you!?!" Blink said blushing slightly.   
  


"Long story. Um... I kind of need you to blink here... My teleporter broke, and me and my friends are stranded in other people's bodies... and I thought you could get us out of here." He said pleadingly.   
  


Blink looked skeptical, "I don't think my powers include inter dimensional travel."   
  


Vegeta smiled. "You were infected by nanites so you have had your powers touched up. Try it, lock on to me and send yourself here. The worst that could happen is it won't work." He said, his smile broadening.   
  


"Ok... but stop smiling! This new body has freaky smiles!" She said, squirming slightly. "I'm going to try...."   
  


BLINK!   
  


Blink appeared inches behind Vegeta. "Now." She said as she opened her eyes. "Evan?"   
  
  
  


"Blink?" Josh questioned as he stopped his conversation with Gohan. "How did she get here? Can you do the same thing for Kasumi?" He said with a smile.   
  


Evan shook his head. "Not unless Kasumi is a mutant teleporter like my sexy woman here." He said as he hugged her lightly, so he didn't crush her with his vampiric/nanite/Saiyan strength.   
  


Blink blushed slightly and gave Evan/Vegeta a kiss on the cheek.   
  


"What's wrong Blink?" Evan asked.   
  


"It's the new look. It's kind of weird... I feel like I'm cheating on you, with you... It's weird." She said, slightly confusing herself.   
  


Evan looked over at Paul, who had fallen asleep a short time ago. "Any ways, that green guy on the floor is Paul. He's a friend from my old world. You'll meet him when he is awake. Josh is Goku over there, and that is one of his Goku kids, Gohan. He had a cool highschool year, he is a super hero."   
  


Gohan gasped. "HOW DID YOU KNOW!!!"   
  


"Easy. Gohan equals 'Great Sayaman'. Simple... or is it." He said turning quickly to face the half Saiyan and stare at him oddly.   
  


Gohan rubbed his chin pensively. "Me... equals Great Sayaman.... what?" Vegeta ignored the boy.   
  


"You know. I hate this guy I am currently controlling. In fact, I despise of him. But that won't stop me from loving my sexy pink woman!" He said as he kissed Blink passionately.   
  


The two began making out like the teenagers they were.   
  


Josh looked confused as he watched this. "This is different. Blink making out with Vegeta... talk about your cross overs that were never meant to be." Josh turned around and noticed Gohan looking at him. "What!?!" He asked.   
  


Gohan looked up at his dad confused. "Dad? What's going on?"   
  


Josh looked confused. "Dad? I'm not your dad. I... oh crap!" Josh looked around frantically. "Where the HELL is Morden and Lilith!?!?" He wondered out loud.   
  


Just then a seven foot tall pink demon launched up a hole that happened to be in the middle of the floor. Gohan gasped as he saw the thing. "IT'S DABURA!!" The half Saiyan then began charging up a chi blast. Goku all of a sudden punched Gohan in the face as hard as he could. Gohan went flying through a wall and then minutes later came through the opposite wall.   
  


"DON'T TOUCH MY SON!!" Josh said as he recognized Morden's chi signature. Gohan was really unconscious though and was bleeding from the ears.   
  


Goku shrugged and hugged Dabura. "I was SO worried!!!" Josh said.   
  


"Da da!" Dabura said.   
  


Goku smiled ecstatically. "Morden just spoke his first words!!!"   
  


"Huh!?!" Vegeta said as he watched Goku hug Dabura, who was in fact a demon. "W...Wait a second. Dabura is supposed to be trying to kill us."   
  


Blink looked confused. "Isn't Morden just a little baby? How'd he get... seven feet tall?"   
  


Josh shrugged. "Quantum flux dissipation. That's what I'm calling it anyway. The quantum energies of the teleporter were set off early and they weren't working to their full capabilities it dissipated our physical bodies and merged our consciousnesses with that of random characters in this universe. As well as pulling Paul from our original universe." Goku paused for a moment. "I'm hungry."   
  


"Riight. So yeah, that works for me. Plus it brings me to one of the reason's I asked you to blink here. As I mentioned, the teleporter broke when I... Liseth... broke it... yes.... anywho, it broke and we need you to get us to our home universe, plus I thought it would be cool to have my girlfriend chill with me in different universes. So yeah... All you really have to do is allow my nanites to link to your nanites and exchange a bit of data and then you should be able to actually feel out portals to other dimensions." Evan said as he extended a hand to Blink, who grabbed it.   
  


"I trust you Evan, but if anything bad happens... well you remember what happened in my bedroom. This time you won't have you symbiote to protect you." Evan grimaced and shoot a pleading look to Josh.   
  


"Will Quicksilver kill vampires?" He mouthed before starting the link.   
  


It seemed as though nothing happened in the short minute it took for the nanites to exchange data. Piccolo awaked just as the transfer completed. "Stop transferring nanite data. It wakes me up." Piccolo said irritated as ever.   
  


"Oh yeah." Vegeta said. "Piccopaul can comprehend like you'd never believe."   
  


Piccolo nodded. "And according to my knowledge, Q actually is the answer to everything. DO to the fact that Q is equal to every rational number and Q with a line over it is equal to every irrational number and numbers can be used to explain anything logical. Plus everything can be explained through some sort of logic."   
  


Vegeta nodded. "We were right all along.... but explain to me how Snake Way works."   
  


"Q" Piccolo stated.   
  


"He's right!" Vegeta said shocked and amazed! 

(Just so you know 'Q' being the answer to everything is a huge inside joke with me Josh and Paul, but I proved it in math class.)   
  


Piccolo gave a short bow with a little smile on his face. "So we're in Bibidi's fortress huh? Interesting." He asked Vegeta.   
  


Goku looked confused. "Hey Paul! Did you ever get that Diablo II trainer to work?"   
  


Piccolo shook his head. "Naw it's a piece of crap. Lets go get pizza or something. I've got a lot of power now so we wouldn't really have to pay... we could just threaten their lives."   
  


Vegeta shrugged. "Well, if it's agreed I could show Joshku how to use instant transmission, and besides, these people have an I.Q averaged off around the whole world of approximately 0.1"   
  


Josh shrugged. "So how do I instant Transmit?"   
  


Vegeta smiled. "Mimic what I'm doing." Vegeta disappeared after putting two fingers to his forehead.   
  


Josh shrugged and did the same thing, only taking Morden/Dabura with him as well.   
  


About an hour later. Goku smiled as he pat his belly. "Putting them out of business was very satisfying." He noted.   
  


Vegeta and Piccolo nodded their agreement as did Blink, and Gohan who had recovered shortly after Piccolo healed him with a senzu bean. "Da Da!"   
  


Goku turned around and noticed a giant baby carriage sitting by the window of the restaurant they had just exited. "Whoops! Almost forgot!" Goku then began rolling the giant stroller along with the rest of the group. "I wonder if Kasumi would let me lay Chi Chi since this isn't my real body." Goku wondered as they walked towards master Roshi's place.   
  


Vegeta held a hand to his chin. "Hold on. I need to buy Porno!" Blink glared at him. "For Master Roshi!!! SHEESH!! I'm going to go through his crazy training just for kicks, and to do so I require Porn. It worked for Krillen the might bitch, therefore it must work for me."   
  


Goku laughed. "That was hilarious! That was the best dragon ball issue ever!"   
  


Vegeta looked over at Gohan and then thought for a second. "Theory testing time." Vegeeta then made a loud screeching sound and Gohan's ears began to bleed like Soun Tendo cried.   
  


"AAAAAHHH!!!" He screamed as he tried to stop the bleeding fountains. He passed out moments later from blood loss. Goku pointed at Gohan and laughed.   
  


"HA HA!! Stupid kid!" Just then a voice rang out from nearby.   
  


"THERE YOU ARE!!!" Goku and the rest turned around to see who it was.   
  


"Uh who are you?" He asked. Chi Chi stomped towards Goku and grabbed him by his ear. "DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME!! I WAS WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU AND..." Chi chi then noticed Gohan bleeding profusely from the head on the ground. "OOH MY BABY!!!" She cried as she bent down to help her eldest son. "WHAT HAPPENED!?!?!" She asked angrily. Glaring up at Goku.   
  


Goku chuckled. "It's pretty funny."   
  


Chi Chi looked furious, but Vegeta stopped her from going into a rant. "Lady, I know who you are. And personally, I would like to see you die. Now please take your bleeding son home and patch him up with some bunny rabbit bandages because he is making me hungry." Vegeta said as he waved the woman off and started walking again.   
  


Goku bent down and looked concerned as he put an arm around Chi Chi. "Hey, uhhh, honey? Why don't you calm down and we could settle this over a nice cup of SEX!"   
  


Chi Chi looked at Goku like he was insane, he was used to that look though. "WHAT!?!? Our SON is BLEEDING to DEATH!! And you just want to have SEX!?!?"   
  


Goku blinked twice. "Uuuuhhhh... yeah."   
  


Chi Chi reeled back her open palm. Goku ran to catch up with Vegeta. "SUCKER!" He said as he ran off. A pink glow surrounded him a moment later and a blonde teenage girl appeared a moment later. Goku smiled widely and then started making out with her.   
  


Tears welled up in Chi Chi's eyes. "Oh no! A younger woman! How can I compete?"   
  


Vegeta breathed deeply and spun on one heel. "QUIT YOUR BITCHING GRANNY!!!! YOU ARE A WHORE!!!! A FILTHY, FILTHY, FUCKING WHORE!!!! I AM GOING TO BLOW YOUR FUCKING, COCK SWALLOWING HEAD OFF IF YOU DON'T _SHUT THE FUCK UP_!!! thank you."   
  


Chi Chi started to cry. Goku stopped making out with Kasumi and then looked over at the woman. "Awww! She looks sad. I think I broke her heart... I'll go cheer her up." Goku then skipped over to Chi Chi and picked her up. He then started making out with her overly passionately. Kasumi was glaring at Goku but he looked up at her and smiled. "Don't worry Kasumi! This isn't my real body. It's some guy named Goku's and he's married to her. This is perfectly legal... I think. GAH THIS IS SO CONFUSING!!!" Goku looked down at the wobbly jello like Chi Chi. "Hey! She 

's kind of hot in real life! Who woulda guessed?" he blinked a bit and then decided to answer his own question. "Not ME! That's for sure!"   
  


Vegeta nodded "I think I was a bit harsh.... nah. I'll just go make out with her...."   
  


"HEY!!!" Blink yelled as she grabbed his arm and held him in place.   
  


Vegeta smiled. "Instant Transmission." He said as he appeared over by Goku and Chi Chi. "HAHAHAHAHA!!!"   
  


Goku punched Vegeta and laid him out on the ground due to his super enhanced strength. (Spider strength times Saiyan strength... think about that for a second.) "Get a hold of yourself. Your married to Bulma."   
  


Vegata's eyes widened as his friend and confidant told him this. It then turned to sheer terror. "AAAAAAAAAGAAHGHGBBBBULABEAAGEGGATRRTRTRTRTRAAIAIAAAAAAAAAAAAGGG!!!"   
  


Goku smiled and led Chi Chi over to Kasumi. "Uh Chi Chi? This is my other wife Kasumi."   
  


Chi Chi growled as she glared at Goku. "OTHER WIFE!?!?!" She screamed.   
  


Vegeta cut everyone off at that point. "I'VE CREATED A MONSTER!!!!" He screamed at the top of his lungs causeing Gohan to bleed some more from his ears and a little from his nose.   
  


Goku noticed this and pointed at Gohan while laughing. "HA HA! Jerk ass!" Chi Chi slapped him.   
  


Kasumi then glared at Chi Chi. "HEY BITCH!! DON'T HIT MY HUSBAND!!"   
  


Chi Chi glared at Kasumi also. "HE'S _MY_ HUSBAND!!"   
  


"I'VE HAD TWO CHILDREN WITH HIM!!" Kasumi screamed.   
  


"SO HAVE I!!!" Chi Chi responded angrily. They stopped and then both turned their heads towards Goku who looked oblivious to the current situation..   
  


Chi Chi and Kasumi then growled angrily as they glared at the Saiyan. "YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING AROUND YOU CHEAT!!!" They said together.   
  


"MONSTEEEEEEERRR!!!" Vegeta screamed.   
  


Blink pat him on the back. "You don't _have_ to have sex with this woman." She noted trying to calm him.   
  


Evan began to cry. "IT'S Toooo lay-hey-hey-haaaate" He whined as he buried his head in his girlfriend's breasts. "Sniff. Soft. Yay."   
  


Chi Chi had pulled out two guns and Kasumi pulled out a giant mallet. Goku began dodging the bullets Matrix style and then got hammered into the ground by Kasumi's Mallet. "Hey I felt that!" He said as he pulled himself from the ground. He then glared at Kasumi. "YOU'VE BEEN HANGING AROUND AKANE HAVEN'T YOU!!!?? I NEVER HAD SEX WITH CHI CHI!! I'M JUST STUCK IN THE BODY OF SOME GUY WHO DID!!"   
  


Kasumi blinked and put away the mallet. "Oh Okay honey." She said. She then kissed Goku on the lips."   
  


Goku smiled. "that's why I love you. You're so understanding." Chi Chi then shot Goku in the ass.   
  


"OWW!!" That didn't penetrate! BUT IT HURT LIKE A BITCH!!!" Kasumi glared at Chi Chi and then the magical mirror brought her back to her own universe.   
  


"THIS ISN'T OVER BITCH!!!!!!!!!" Her voice trailed off as she disappeared.   
  


Evan screamed. "MONSTEEEEEERRR!!" though it was slightly muffled.   
  


"Oooh that felt nice."   
  


*****************   
  


Vegeta and Blink walked casually into the Capsule Corp building. Dr.Briefs smiled as he recognized his daughter's lover, but his expression turned sour as he noticed that the Saiyan Prince was holding on to the odd pink lady's hand."Um, hi Vegeta. How is your friend."   
  


"Oh, hi Dr.Briefs. This is Blink, she's my girlfriend. I'm here to break the news to Bulma, plus I wanted to train abit with my protégé." Vegeta said with a smile.   
  


The elderly scientist looked heart broken. "Your going out with another woman while being with my Bulma?"   
  


Vegeta shrugged. "I'm a Prince, I do what I want. Stop me and die." He said cheerily.   
  


Dr.Briefs backed slowly away from the Saiyan warrior. "V-Vegeta?" Vegeta held up a hand and formed a chi ball aimed at the Dr's head.   
  


"Three seconds to run. The question is, where?" Vegeta asked, "Or I suppose to be cliche, 'Do you feel lucky? Huh? Do ya? Punk!'" The Dr turned quickly and ran outside the building.   
  


Once the door closed Vegeta shot the ball, fusing the doors shut. "Step one; lab take over complete."   
  


Blink looked skeptical. "Yeah, but did you have to threaten his life. I mean, you've been on a mean streak since you started in this body. Though it has given you a boost in... well, you know."   
  


Vegeta nodded. "Good thing we stopped at the Porn motel. But you are right. I have been on PMS for men since I got in this body. But Chi Chi had it coming." He said, nodding as he looked around the lobby of the laboratory. "Nice place. I could do some cool stuff in here... and Gohan had it coming too!" He protested.   
  


Blink nodded with a raised eyebrow. "Riight. What ever you say Prince Vegeta."   
  


Vegeta smiled and grabbed Blink by the waist. "I love it when you talk dirty!"   
  


Blink looked at the man oddly, "But I..." She was cut off as Vegeta began making out with her.   
  


Just then Bulma came into the room with Trunks at her side. "Vegeta? I could have sworn I heard his...." She stopped as she came across the 'display' in the lobby. Bulma reached down to Trunks and covered his eyes with her hands. "V-Vegeta?"   
  


Vegeta broke off the kiss, leaving Blink a bit woozy. "Yeah, what up hoe?"   
  


Bulma looked shocked "VEGETA!!! HOW COULD YOU!?!"   
  


Vegeta scratched his chin. "I thought you caught that part. It went sort of... like this!" He said as he and Blink started making out again.   
  


"VEGETA!!!" Bulma screamed again.   
  


"_WHAAAT_!!!" He screamed "Can't you see I'm making out here!?! JEBUS!!! BAKE ME A FREAKING PIE!!!"   
  


Bulma's eyes widened. "What!?!"   
  


Vegeta looked sorry. "I'm sorry." He said as he walked up to Bulma. "I forgot the special command gesture." He said as he slapped her ass. "BAKE ME A PIE!!!"   
  


Blink looked pissed. "EVAN!!! YOU WILL NOT SLAP THAT WOMAN'S ASS!!! You are restricted to mine."   
  


Vegeta snaped his fingers and pointed at Blink "You know it. Yeeaah. Now then. Bulma, You may have figured this out by now. But We made a big mistake. Actually it is one that destroys a lot of stuff everywhere. We made that!!!" He yelled as he pointed a quivering finger at Trunks.   
  


Bulma became furious. She reeled back and smacked Vegeta as hard as she could, Vegeta didn't even budge. "Stop tickling." He said in a high pitched whiny voice. Vegeta regained his composure and stated. "We are through. You have smacked the royal skin and refused to serve me in the ways of pie. For that you must sacrifice your first son on the top of mount doom and in turn adopt a feral little person named Golum. In his possesion is a ring, one that would rule all others. Mind you that is a lot of rings. But in the darkness bind all those rings. Seven for the elves, immortal and stuff. Another number for the dwarves, cause it would make a great birthday present. One for the little boy who lives down the lane. Ba ba black Bulma give me all your pie. OR else suddenly you will die!!!" vegeta broke into maniacal laughter as Bulma ran away crying, leaving her half Saiyan son with his father.   
  


"Dad? Did you just tell mom to kill me?" Trunks asked.   
  


"Yup." Vegeta said as he looked over the boy. "Unless...."   
  


***************   
  


Vegeta, Blink and Trunks appeared within a massive furniture war. Sofas, pillows, chairs and other household wares came hurling through the air.   
  


"I AM TELLING THE TRUTH!!!!" screamed Goku as he narrowly avoided a butcher knife.   
  


"Josh. I adopted Trunks and I'm going to leave him in the wild to survive just like Piccolo did to your kid along time ago." Vegeta called out over the crashing furniture.   
  


Chi Chi stopped tossing house things and glared at the nearby Namekian, who had been handing her stuff to throw for the last two hours. "YOU LEFT MY SON IN THE WILDERNESS!?!?! ALONE!?!?!?!?!" She screamed as she threw a fish knife at Piccolo, who had not been expecting it, and lost an arm out of the ordeal.   
  


Paul looked sad as another knife flew by his head. "I liked that arm." He said, not even bothering with the pain.   
  


Goku looked over at Vegeta and breathed heavily. "EVAN!! BACK ME UP HERE!! THIS CRAZY CHICK DOESN'T BELIEVE THAT I'M SOMEBODY ELSE FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION JUST INHABITING HER HUSBANDS BODY!!"   
  


Vegeta looked smug. "Would you believe you if your roles were reversed?" He asked.   
  


Goku nodded. "OF COURSE I WOULD!! I WATCH SLIDERS!!!"   
  


Vegeta nodded. "That's a good point. Where's Morden?" He asked.   
  


Goku pointed over to a room that was glowing around the edges of the door. "He's taking a nap." Goku sighed. "I'm really starting to hate being in Goku's body. It's nice being invulnerable to most everything but Chi Chi's getting on my nerves. 'Ve been trying to apologize for making out with my inter dimensional wife but she won't have it. She say's that even if I am just stuck in her husbands body. I have to be loyal to her because: 'It IS her husband's body.'" Goku said annoyedly. "I guess I've got no choice but to accept this. I'm going to need to call Kasumi and tell her though. She'll understand." 

Vegeta nodded. "Yeah. She knew it was you in Goku's body the moment she got here... which is also the moment you started making out with her."   
  


Goku shrugged. Vegeta shrugged as well. Chi Chi glared at Goku. Goku wilted and bowed his head shamefully. "I'm sorry for kissing that other girl and I'll stay true to only you from this moment on... for the rest of my life." He said with a sigh. He just wanted to get her to stop throwing things at him.   
  


Chi Chi glared at him some more. "Promise!?!" She asked angrily. Goku just nodded sadly. Chi Chi hugged Goku happily. "I'm so proud of you Goku!!" She stepped back and looked at him with lust in her eyes. "Now I'll show you what a real woman can do!" She growled as she dragged him into the bedroom.   
  


Vegeta paled and grabbed blink. "Come on! Let's get out of here. I don't want to stick around if what I think is going to happen happens." With that Vegeta and Blink instant transmitted out of Goku's house.   
  


Grunts, Groans, and moans ensued.   
  


************   
  


Vegeta, Trunks and Blink sat in the middle of the wilderness. Vegeta smiled as he turned to his son. "Ok boy." He said as he put a reassuring hand on Trunks' shoulder. "Me and Blink are going to leave you in the wilderness to train in survival tactics. If you survive, we may take you along with us on a cool trip through multiple dimensions."   
  


Trunks looked sad. "What about mommy?" He whined.   
  


Vegeta smacked the boy up top the head. "Quit your bitching boy. Mommy is a slut and was sleeping with...Chiatzu... and Yamcha.... and Oolong... at the same time."   
  


Trunks raised an eyebrow. "Mom slept with piggy?"   
  


Vegeta shook his head. "Yes." He scratched his head. "That's about the size of it. If you want to kill all three of them before we leave you'll have to train hard."   
  


Trunks' look became sadder. "Kill my friends?"   
  


Vegeta breathed deeply and smacked the kid again. "Rule one. No bitching! You kill then move on. Just like daddy. Why daddy once killed planets, just for fun." He said as he picked the boy off the ground.   
  


?Blink looked at Vegeta with a worried expression. "Evan? You're getting a lot more violent... being in this new body. Why don't you just leave this kid alone?"   
  


Vegeta shrugged. "Sorry Blink. I just got carried away... you know with the whole Vampire blood lust and Saiyan battle lust blending and creating a 'lets destroy everything and make the survivors like me' attitude." He said as he set the child down. "You know what Trunks, I'll go easy on you. You can just train with me. We'll go to Kami's house and train in the room of time and space. It'll be fun!" He said with a big smile   
  


Trunks instantly cheered up. "We can go to Kami's!?" He exclaimed.   
  


Vegeta smiled lovingly. "Sure." He said. *Must... keep... good...front so....Blink...won't... dump me.* He mentally struggled.   
  


Blink smiled *That's better. I'll just remind him to be human every once in a while and he shouldn't kill anyone.* She reasoned to herself.   
  


Vegeta noticed that Blink was loosening up. *So far so good. Gotta keep this ploy up for a short time later and blame the rest on the vampirism and Saiyan blood.... mmm. Saiyan blood. This boy is full of it...* Vegeta smacked himself hard. *NO!!! CAN'T EAT BOY!!!* Vegeta looked around after smacking himself. "What?"   
  


Blink and Trunks had an eyebrow raised each. "You just smacked yourself." Blink said with a bit of fear in her voice.   
  


"Oh... I.... was....um....falling asleep.... so... I smacked myself. Yes...." Vegeta said as he scratched the back of his head and slowly backed away. "Uhh... bye!!" He screamed as he projected his chi at the ground and launched himself into the air flying towards Goku's house. *Wait... Chi Chi is there.* He thought as he floated slowly back towards where he had taken off from. When he landed he motioned for Trunks and Blink to come towards him. "I guess I forgot to take off _with_ you guys. Hehe... yeah." He said as Blink slowly walked towards him and Trunks started to fly by himself.   
  


"I can fly by myself Daddy." Trunks said as he did a flip in the air.   
  


"Good for you boy." Vegeta said with a smile. "You know the easiest ability in the universe. But once we get to Kami's I'll teach you some huge moves." Trunks smiled broadly.   
  


"ALRIGHT!!"   
  


"Yeah. And we can teach your new mommy how to do the wimpy flying move." He said, actually beginning to like the 'monster'.   
  


Trunks laughed. "Yeah, mommy couldn't handle the hard stuff, right daddy?"   
  


Vegeta brought the boy close and gave him a noogie. "That's right Trunks! Mommy isn't quite as strong as us boys! But we'll let her cook and clean for us!"   
  


Blink elbowed Vegeta in the gut. "Hey! At least teach the boy how to deal with women!"   
  


Vegeta groaned but kept a smile on. "I am. Jeeze Blink, the boy is my protégé he will be taught in the ways of the Evan-sennin. Fear not... well OK, fear, but not for us. For the world." He said as Blink, Trunks and himself launched towards Kami's Palace.   
  


**************   
  


Goku groaned as he exited the bedroom in Goku's house. Goku walked over to the couch and fell down. "M...Monster." He muttered as he pushed some kid onto the floor.   
  


Goten frowned as his father shoved him off of the couch and he landed on his ass. "DAD!!!" He yelled at his father. Goku just pushed the kid out of the way and grabbed the remote control for the T.V. which was currently playing Pokemon. He switched the channel to the mid day movie. Evil Slutty Monster Cheerleaders from the Seventh Layer of Hell VII. Goten frowned. "HEY!! I WAS WATCHING THAT!!"   
  


Goku pushed the kid away into a wall drowsily. "Shut up. Pokemon bad... zombies good. Zombies make Goku feel warm and fuzzy."   
  


Goten growled. "MOOOOM!!!" He screamed to his mother who was still in the bedroom. "DAD WON'T LET WATCH POKEMON!!!"   
  


Goku groaned as he watched a slutty cheerleader eat the heart of coach Reynolds. "With the Poke and the Mon... and you get the Pokemon. Coo coo ca choo!" Goku then flicked the channel to MTV where they were playing Stiches by Orgy. Goku brightened up immediately and started to head bang to the song as he sung with it. "TYING YOURSELF TO ME STITCH UP MY EMPTINESS!!!" Goku paused and looked contemplative. "Goku's got a HORRIBLE singing voice."   
  


Chi Chi stormed out of her room. "YOU AREN'T LETTING OUR SON WATCH T.V!?!?!?! YOUR IN FOR IT!!!" She yelled as Goku instantly woke up.   
  


He ducked behind the couch, expecting the best. *Uh oh.*   
  


"GIVE THE BOY THE REMOTE!!!" She screamed.   
  


Goku stood up quickly. "YOU'LL HAVE TO PRY IT FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!!!!" He yelled.   
  


Chi Chi growled.   
  


"Ok... the boy can have it." Goku whimpered as he threw the remote at Goten and beaned the boy on the head.   
  


Chi Chi growled again. "You will pick up the remote and hand it to our son."   
  


Goku smiled nervously "Ok... heh heh..." He said as he picked up the remote. "CAN'T CATCH ME!!!" He said as he jumped up and clung top the ceiling and started to crawl towards the door. *I can sense Evan over there. I'll just make a break for it.* He thought as a knife imbedded inches from his head. *I'll go now.*   
  


*********   
  


Vegeta, Trunks and Blink landed on the marble floor of Kami's Palace. "Kami!!! Where are you, you old Namekian!!!" He yelled.   
  


Mr.Popo walked out of the Palace with an odd look on his face. "Uhh, Vegeta? Kami... isn't himself."   
  


Vegeta smiled. "Namekian boy went senile?" He asked with a smile.   
  


"No... he seems to be possessed by an evil sprit." The obese black genie said.   
  


"Great... can I poke you?" Vegeta asked.   
  


"Right... now then... will you help with Kami's... problem." Popo said as Vegeta started to poke his belly. "Will you stop that!?!"   
  


Vegeta stopped poking the large genie for a second. "No." He said as he resumed poking. "And that goes for Kami's problem as well, though I have a guess as to what has happened to him."   
  


Popo fumed. "If you _have_ an idea it would be helpful if you would share it!"   
  


Vegeta stopped poking him and stood up straight. "Again I say no. Though I will stop poking you as you are not making a funny sound so that my boy will laugh. Must I vaporize you?" Vegeta questioned.   
  


"No. But _please_ help him Vegeta!! He is in desperate need of assistance." Popo pleaded, sounding a bit relieved that Vegeta had stopped poking.   
  


"Fine. Put a diaper on the old man and send him to Goku with a ribbon and a note that says Lilith. If my guess is right then he has been possessed by my friend's daughter's soul. If I'm wrong then we have a problem." Vegeta said as he looked around. "Now then, while your doing that, me and Trunks would like to use the room of time and space."   
  


*************   
  


Goku sighed and stretched out lazily in a lawn chair. "This is the life." He said. Currently he was on a beach in Miami and was wearing nothing but a pair of shorts and some matrix style sunglasses. "This instant transmission thing is the SHIT!!" He said as he lifted up his glasses to peer at a particularly fine pair of women that walked by. "No Chi Chi... no whiny kids... no alternate whiny kids." Goku sighed and lay back in his chair tanning. "I think I could get used to this universe." He said. Goku held up a T.V. remote control and smiled evilly. "Suckers!"   
  


*************   
  


Author's Notes: {I've decided to end the chapter here. I'm now trapped in the body of Goku, and will probably be here until I find a way to get out. I don't exactly know how that will be yet... after all we don't plan anything out. We just write whatever's on our minds. And here's a word from our sponsor:}   
  


(Riight. Yeah, so we have introduced a new writer to the 'clique'. Paul Millar a close friend is now trapped in the body of your friendly neighborhood Namekian, Piccolo. Yeah, so I hope you enjoy his writing style and stuff... Um... now he can talk.}   
  


[Being handicapped is not to my liking...yes...this will definitely cause problems...unless...of course...how could I forget about my abilities...soon I will be stronger than ever...with my arm back...my strong arm...yes.....excellent. I could really get used to this green thing...god I feel superior...they will all be educated...you all just wait and see...the superior revolution will prevail...the strong shall live, and the weak shall turn green, like me...yes...it has to work. They say better red than dead, but green's one up from that, isn't it? The piccolean...I mean namekian civilization shall prevail as it should...and I WILL BE THE VICTOR...over what I don't know, but never the less, I WILL, damn it!]   
  


{Once again I say Riight.} 


	17. Oh Crap!

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Self Insertion   
  


Disclaimer: You should know the drill by now. Sides... I've got one on the main page.   
  


You should know all the rest that come after as well. If you've read THIS far! 

[Paul's notes]   
  


Chapter 17   
  


Oh Crap!   
  


Goku sighed as he walked into Chi Chi's home, the remote to their T.V. stuffed in his back pocket. "Stupid Police and their sending me back on account of Chi Chi calling them." He griped as he shoved Goten off the couch and clicked the channel to MTV.   
  


Goku sighed deeply as his alternate dimensional son glared at his dad and marched off to tell his mom. Minutes later an infuriated Chi Chi stormed out of her bedroom and stomped in front of the TV. "Goku." She menaced.   
  


"Yeah what? Can it wait? Cause I really don't care." He said apathetically.   
  


Chi Chi's aura became a flaming visible crimson as she struck a loose fighting stance. "No one, not even you, hurt my boy's feelings." She growled.   
  


Goku shrugged and laid flat out on the couch so he could see around the flaming aura. The insane wife launched herself at her husband who responded by creating a chi barrier around himself and thus sending Chi Chi into a wall. "Wow, It sure became quiet all of a sudden." He joked to himself as a thin stream of blood ran down Chi Chi's forehead.   
  


***********   
  


THUD!!   
  


Trunks impacted with a wall in the room of time and space. "Your good boy." Vegeta said as he got out of his fighting stance and walked over to help his 'son' off the floor.   
  


"Thanks dad." Trunks groaned as the golden tinge in his hair faded back to mauve.   
  


"We need to get you buff boy." Vegeta said as he extended a hand to the young half Saiyan. "But we'll get to work on that just after you get used to the gravity without Super Saiyan."   
  


Trunks stood up, quavering slightly, "I can stand here, but moving is kind of hard."   
  


Vegeta did a back flip just to show off to his 'son'. "It's not that hard. I should take about a week or less." Vegeta landed and shot toward Trunks with one fist extended.   
  


Trunks rolled to the left, evading his father's attack. He got into a kami-sennin stance and prepared to block his father's next attack. Vegeta launched a volley of ki balls, which Trunks deflected and fired his own volley. Vegeta laughed as the balls dissipated in his aura. "Not bad. I think your about there." He said as he fired a beam of energy.   
  


Trunks flew into the air, dodging the beam which twisted around for a second run at the boy. The beam of blue energy connected with the half Saiyan's back sending him flying into his father's arms. Vegeta started to laugh, his son joined in after blinking off the pain in his spine. "Good work Trunks. But next time attempt to watch what is going on behind you."   
  


The pair laughed as Vegeta carried his son out of the training room and into the Palace type area of the room of Time and Space. "BLINK!!! WE'RE BAAACK!!!" Vegeta called out as a now visibly pregnant woman walked out of the bedroom area.   
  


"What is it Evan?" She asked, sounding moderately annoyed.   
  


Trunks scratched his head. "Um, daddy? Why has Other mom been calling you Evan?"   
  


Vegeta smiled as he set the boy down. "Well, Due to my name truly being Evan, I suppose it works. You see Trunks, Daddy has been on a inter dimensional trip since he was 16 and has been gaining powers since then. Daddy is a mutant, vampire, technological genius, used to be symbiotic with three separate beings one of which daddy made, spell caster, and almost a wedding wrecker." Vegeta said with a smile as he crossed his arms and awaited his boy's response.   
  


"Wow..." Trunks said as his jaw made a bee line for the floor.   
  


"Yeah." Vegeta said as he walked over to his girlfriend and put a hand gently on her stomach. "This ones getting big." He said as he bent down and put a ear up to where the baby was.   
  


Blink giggled as Vegeta's large, spiky hair tickled Blink's nose. "God man! Your hair is huge!" She joked as she pushed the Saiyan's massive locks out of her face.   
  


Vegeta stood up and brushed his hair back. "Whoh, don't mess with the fro."   
  
  
  


**********   
  


Chi Chi frowned as she opened up her eyes and blinked them a bit. The first thing that she saw was a picture of her husband Goku. "G...Goku?" She asked as the image blurred. Goku smiled and she hugged the blurry image.. "Oh Goku!!" She said happily.   
  


Goku pushed her back gently and looked at her concerned. "I'm sorry for throwing you at the wall by accident."   
  


Chi Chi looked a little confused and looked around. She noticed Goten and Gohan sitting on the couch farther away. "Wh... Wha?" She wondered stupidly as she blinked and looked around some more. Goku smiled at her and it melted her heart.   
  


"You should stop being so strict and protective." He said with a chuckle. "It's no wonder Evan thinks you're a freak." Chi Chi glared at Goku and frowned. Piccolo was in the background eating a banana.   
  


"What!?" She growled.   
  


Goku chuckled some more and held up his index finger. "There you go again. You keep on jumping to conclusions. Just like that freak show Akane."   
  


"FREAKSHOW!?!"" She screamed.   
  


Goku nodded. "Yup. I really don't like her. I'm trying to be nice to you but I can't be ordered around and manipulated like the old Goku. You may have gotten used to that but I'm my own man. You don't tell me what to do." Goku smiled and held up a finger to shush the mother of two. "Don't even start. I'm a freaking Saiyan. I can with stand anything you throw at me... that and I've got a nifty Spider Sense." Before Chi Chi could continue bitching Goku stood up and half turned away from her. "Now if you don't mind I'm gonna go take care of my only son.   
  


Goku then turned around and walked towards the room where they were keeping Morden, who was currently trapped in the body of Dabura.   
  


**************   
  


several months later, in the room of time and space...   
  


Trunks fired a massive beam past his father. "HOLY CRAP BOY!!" Vegeta screamed as the beam singed his hair. "You could do some damage."   
  


Trunks gasped for breath as he got into a loose stance. "You told me to go all out dad." He stated.   
  


"Good. You had no remorse there. That's the stuff I'm looking for, the stuff that separates you from the wusses." Vegeta said almost cheerily. "Now then, let's see how the baby is."   
  


Trunks smiled as seemed to regain his energy as his father said this. "Alright!!"   
  


A few minutes later Vegeta and Trunks walked into the main bedroom of the room of time and space. "Blinky? How are my girls?"   
  


Blink held smiled and looked up from the currently breast-feeding baby girl. "She's as energetic as always, and draining me dry!" She laughed.   
  


Vegeta smiled and picked Trunks up, putting him on his shoulders. "Well, you know there's nothing me and the boy can do. We aren't quite built for that. Eh Trunks?"   
  


Trunks laughed "Yeah!"   
  


Vegeta smiled as he did a back flip, Trunks still on his shoulders. "Look what we can do." Said the Saiyan proudly.   
  


"Great Evan. I'm sure that will come in handy." Blink said, mocking her boyfriend.   
  


Vegeta put Trunks down and pointed a finger at Blink looking very serious. "Hey missy. If it wasn't for me and my ability to learn things extraordinarily fast, that baby might not be sucking on your boobs right now."   
  


Blink smiled. "And that's a bad thing? This kid is powerful."   
  


Trunks walked up to his step mommy of sorts, and climbed onto the bed. "So... what are you going to name it?"   
  


Blink and Vegeta looked at confused. "Name? Never thought of that." Vegeta said, pondering the fact.   
  


"Well, I have put some thought to it." Blink said. "I think it should be named Sandra."   
  


Vegeta looked appalled. "_WHAT_!?! As in Bullock? Heeelll no!"   
  


Blink glared at Vegeta. "Support me here. I just made this thing, I should be able to at least pick what we're going to call her."   
  


Vegeta crossed his arms and pouted. "I did most of the work."   
  


Blink growled. "_YOU_!?! _WORK_!?! I think _NOT_!!"   
  


Vegeta sniffled. "This isn't helping my self esteem. Besides I spent at least five minutes figuring out the whole doctor thing. She should be named... Yoritomo Gusai the second... but a girl."   
  


Blink, blinked... "what? No. Something moderately normal. I don't want my little girl to go to school and be made fun of for her dumb name her dad gave her."   
  


Vegeta smirked. "School? Heeelll no. I did that once, worse time of my life, luckily I was sucked into a dimension portal of my own magical creation, ok accidental magical creation and went on a cool trip which allowed me to run into the most beautiful woman I will ever meet, and I don't even treat her right." Blink perked up.   
  


"Aww, you really mean it?"   
  


"Yeah, but Josh took her. Bastard." Blink glared.   
  


"If I wasn't feeding this child of ours, I would rip your testicles off." She snarled.   
  


Vegeta backed up a step. "I was joking!! Of course I meant you! Kasumi has nothing on you! You're ten times hotter, ten times nicer, and you are the perfect girl for me."   
  


Blink didn't seem to be in a forgiving mood. "Just for that I am naming the child."   
  


Vegeta smiled, "No you're not. I have the legal papers in my back pocket. You can call it what ever you want, but the rest of the world will call her what I write on this lovely piece of paper." He said, summoning the correct papers to his back pocket and pulling them out in one fluid motion. "Now then, shall I call her, Mystic lady?"   
  


"NOOOOO!!!!"   
  


"Hehehe"   
  


**********   
  


Goku all of a sudden shivered. Paul/Picolo smiled as he sat down at the opposite side of the table and set down a set of cards. "Full house!" He stated.   
  


Goku frowned and slammed his cards on the table. "DAMN IT!! IT'S A TIE AGAIN!!!"   
  


Paul stroked his green chin and looked concerned. "This makes no sense." He said.   
  


Goku glared at the green creature across from him. "NOOO!!!!" He said sarcastically. "YOU DON'T THINK!!!" Goku then leaned back in his chair. "Where the HELL is Vegeta!? I'm Bored!! Chi Chi's been bitching all day and neither of us has won a dime off each other in poker... THIS SUCKS!!!"   
  


"I comprehend that." Paul said, laughing a bit at his own bad joke. "Evan is in the room of time and space."   
  


Goku looked at the Namekian curiously. "Yes... and where is that oh comprehensive one?"   
  


"Kami's tower. Speaking of which your daughter is trapped in the body of Kami."   
  


"Lilith!?!?!" Goku exclaimed. "SHE'S KAMI!?!?!... who's Kami?"   
  


"Guardian of Earth."   
  


"LILITH IS THE GUARDIAN OF EARTH!?!?!" Goku screamed. "Cool. What's Guardian of Earth."   
  


"Sort of like a god, more a demi god though, but still a god in all respect. And she is soul linked to me."   
  


"COOL! I GOT A DEMI-GOD PERSON AS A DAUGHTER!!... what's a soul link?"   
  


"Oh come ON!!!"   
  


"WHAT!!!? I never watched DBZ! DAMN IT!!" Goku exclaimed.   
  


"I'm bored. You?"   
  


"Yup."   
  


"Oh yeah."   
  


"Wanna see what Lilith is doing."   
  


"Probably craping her pants."   
  


"She is only a couple months old."   
  


"Yup."   
  


"Oh yeah."   
  


************   
  


Vegeta smiled as he walked out of the room of time and space and got a breath of fresh air. "Aaaah! It feels good to breath REAL air." He said, Trunks and Blink following behind him. Vegeta then noticed that Goku and Picolo were both standing there with Kami and Dabura lying down in the background, crawling around and craping their pants.   
  


Evan stared in horror at the scene. "OH MY GOD THE SMELL!!!!" The prince of the saiyans quickly covered his nose and turned away. Mystic Lady started to cry because of the smell and Trunks turned green, hopefully not with envy.   
  


Goku nodded. "It was bad when they were normal babies and they crapped their pants all the time... but now they're old people with weak bladders! IT NEVER STOPS!! PLEASE MAKE THE CRAPING STOP!!!!"   
  


Goku began to cry and a single tear fell from Piccolo's right eyes. "The madness must end!" He said as he pointed a glowing orb of energy at the dynamic craping duo. Goku punched Piccolo and he held his stomach in pain.   
  


"Guess what Paul?... NO!!" Goku smiled weakly. "Once we get out of this universe then they'll be back to their normal selves I'm sure. Right?"   
  


No one answered.   
  


"RIGHT!!!!!!?????!!!!!" Goku said in desperation.   
  


Evan smiled weakly as well. "Weeeeelll In theory yes. But due to the amount of time they are going to be spending in those bodies they may retain some qualities."   
  


"Why exactly?"   
  


"Um, well, I suppose it would be the fact that their mentality fuses slowly with the 'host' and gives the 'symbiote' the idea that it is indeed the host, and in turn strips the host of genes adding them to the symbiotes genetic makeup. Basically."   
  


"Oh." Goku said, allowing the logic to sink in for a second. "So I have demonic and godly kids." Vegeta nodded solemnly. "Great, Kasumi is going to kill me. Why is it that you get normal kids and I get super powered cursed kids. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!"   
  


Vegeta shrugged. "Meh. My kid is not exactly normal." Blink glared at Vegeta coldly, "_Our_ kid." he corrected himself, Blink smiled.   
  


"What do you mean, 'not normal'?" Josh queried.   
  


"Well, I ran a gene test on the little lady. Heh. Mystic. And the X-factor came up positive. Oh and I made some cool teleporter thingies off of a sample of Blink's genetic material."   
  


Blink blushed making Goku wonder exactly WHAT material that could possibly be.   
  


"This might hurt a bit." Vegeta said as he slammed a metallic device into Goku's arm. "This will remain on you once you leave this body, I'm just getting a soul link on it now."   
  


"THAT HURT!!"   
  


"That's cause it's got a bitch load of pointy stuff on the bottom so that it can get to you 'chi'. I already got one so don't cry." Vegeta said in a sort of kiddy voice. "Instant transmission." He muttered as he appeared behind Piccolo and slammed a similar device to the Namekian's arm.   
  


"OH GOD!!! THE PAIN!!"   
  


Vegeta looked at the bottom of the next one noting the vast array of needles, knives, and broken metal. "Yup, bitch load of pointy... pointless things. The one in the middle is the only one that does anything. Suckers."   
  


Goku punched Vegeta in the face before he could notice it coming. "YOU FUCKING FUCKER!!!!" Goku screamed causing Kami and Dabura to cry and crap their pants. "WHAT THE _HELL_ WAS THE POINT OF MUTILATING OUR ARMS!?!?!?" He yelled angrily.   
  


Paul countered that with a similar shout. "YOU MADE THEM CRAP AGAIN!!! EVAAAAN!! TODAY IS THE DAY YOU DIE!!!!!" Him and Goku then ran towards him to beat him into a bloody pulp.   
  


Vegeta held out a hand, stopping both of them via telekinesis. "The point is elementary, I, a vampiric being, require the blood of others. Consequently I can not drink blood in this body, or do not have the need to, so I suppose the sight of blood will be enough to tide me over for a short amount of time. Oh yeah, and Blink? What do you think about Akane as a name for our bundle of joy?"   
  


Goku looked shocked and afeared. "You... You wouldn't!"   
  


Vegeta smiled evilly. "JUST WATCH ME!!!" He growled.   
  


Blink thought about it for a moment and smiled. "I like it!" She said.   
  


"Then it's agreed." Vegeta noted. From now on our daughters name will be AKANE JUNIOR!!!!"   
  


"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" Goku screamed. "One's bad enough!"   
  


Akane then crapped her pants.   
  


***************   
  


Vegeta sat on the porch of Goku's humble abode, Akane Jr on his knee. "Well my little girl, though your name is only for revenge, your mother likes it so it stays. I suppose I have to put it on paper soon don't I?" He said as Akane giggled and he summoned the pen and paper which would seal the young girls name forever. He looked at the dotted line and filled it out. *Akane... what is Blink's last name? Or do I use mine? Intriguing.*   
  


Vegeta wandered into the house and approached his girlfriend. " Hey Blinkiepoo? What do I put down as a last name for young Akane here?"   
  


Blink pondered that. "I really don't know. I suppose we could use mine."   
  


Evan smiled and summoned a diamond ring behind his back. "I have an idea. But it will take some commitment."   
  


Blink blushed, already guessing what was to come.   
  


"Blink." Vegeta paused for a second to add drama, "Will you marry me?"   
  


Blink, though she had figured out what was to come, jumped into the air with joy. "YES!! YES YES YES!!"   
  


Vegeta set Akane on the nearby couch and hugged his fiancé. Blink arched her back slightly and planted a kiss on Vegeta's lips, who in turn returned the kiss and the two eventually landed on the couch, making out with Akane nearby.   
  


It degraded from there...into an early honeymoon.{shudder}   
  


*****************   
  


Goku sighed as he watched Dabura and Kami babble and lie on their backs... doing virtually nothing. "What did I do to deserve this?" He muttered out loud. All of a sudden Krilin walks in and wave to Goku.   
  


"Hey Goku." he said.   
  


Goku smiled in his direction. "Banana's and strawberry daiquiris." The Saiyan replied nonsensically.   
  


"Huh?" Krilin said.   
  


Goku smiled and punched him in the nuts. "Exactly!"   
  


Krilin fell to the ground in pain. "GokuUUUUU!!! Why? Why did you do it?"   
  


Goku smiled. "I've been sitting here all day watching Demon baby and twig baby. I needed some entertainment."   
  


Krilin stood up uneasily. "Oh well don'AAAAAAAAUUUGH!!!" Krilin then fell to the floor with a loud thump as Goku punched him in the nuts again.   
  


"I needed more entertainment." Goku said, before turning on the TV and using Krilin as a footstool. "Now! I want a foot massage!"   
  


"But..."   
  


WHACK!!!   
  


"NOW!!!!!!!!!!"   
  


Just then Vegeta walked into the room with his pants on backwards and Blink's shirt. "Wazzup? I see it is Krillin beating time. Splendid." He said as he walked up to the bald retard and hoofed him in the face. "I feel better." He stated in a British accent.   
  


Goku smiled goofily and gave Vegeta a thumbs up. "That's some nice face kickin." He muttered. He then looked back to the TV and pointed to the screen. "Hey Vegeta! Teletubies is on. Want to laugh?"   
  


Vegeta looked at the screen. "Is the TV important to you?"   
  


Goku shook his head no.   
  


BLAM!!!   
  


A nine millimeter round impacted with the electron gun in the back of the TV, leaving a large hole in the glass. "Good. Teletubies evil. Evil must die. Wanta kill some Zombies? I got guns."   
  


Goku looked at Vegeta, "You've been reading Megatokyo haven't you?"   
  


Vegeta smiled, "They have it in this world too! I'm not sure about the Zombies but... There is a planet with hideous green life forms on it that are ripe for the killing."   
  


Goku glared at Vegeta. "You can't mean Namek?"   
  


Vegeta looked around aimlessly, "Noooooooyesooooo. I'm going to Nam...rek. Yeah, that's it. Namrek. Bye." He said as he used instant transmission and disappeared.   
  


***********   
  


Later on planet Namek (Namrek you bastard!!)(... Wait, I'm arguing with myself.)   
  


BLAMBLAMBLAM!!!!!   
  


"DIE YOU PETTY GREEN PEOPLE!!!" Vegeta screamed as he unleashed many a round upon the locals.   
  


All of a sudden (Our lovely line.) Goku shows up. "AAAAAY!!" He says much like the Fons. "I'm here to kill stuff."   
  


"Ok. Here's a sub-machine gun." He said as he tossed Goku the weapon and three clips. "Enjoy killing shit."   
  


"And how!" Goku said before picking up the gun and started mowing everything in sight down.   
  


************   
  


Later on Goku and Vegeta walk into Goku's home with purple blood splattered all over themselves. They had their arms around each others shoulders and were laughing like madmen. "Hey!" Goku started. "See when I pushed those children out of the way?" Goku then added: "With a magnum."   
  


Vegeta laughed and nodded. "Yeah! And then when I threw that paralyzed midget over that cliff? With a BFG!?!?"   
  


BWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!! They laughed.   
  


Vegeta instantly became serious. "It's all good. But I think after such a killing spree we should celebrate by going to a fancy restaurant and shoot stuff."   
  


Goku nodded enthusiastically. "Yes my friend."   
  


*************   
  


Later at a Five Star restaurant called the Hurcule Eatery, Vegeta and Goku sat at a table with plate upon empty plate sitting in front of them. Suddenly a waitress stepped up to the table. "Can I offer you some more wine?" Vegeta's eyes flared as he stepped up onto the table.   
  


"WOMAN!! YOU DO NOT TELL ME WHEN I WANT MORE WINE!!! I WILL TELL YOU!!! NOW GET ON THE FLOOR OR I'LL WASTE EVERY FRIGGEN ONE OF YOU!!!" screams ensued as Vegeta whipped out his chrome nine millimeter and pointed it randomly around the room.   
  


***********   
  


Back at Goku's house. "Where have you two been?" Chi Chi inquired.   
  


Vegeta wiped some of the blood off Blink's shirt, which he was still wearing. "Nowhere... but did you see when I pushed those children out of the way?" He paused for effect. "WITH A MAGNUM!!!"   
  


Goku burst into laughter. "YEAH!! And when I pushed that paralyzed midget over the cliff." He paused for his effect. "WITH A BFG!!!!" The two broke down into uncontrollable laughter. Chi Chi frowned and turned on the TV she had just purchased.   
  


"In the News today, in the acclaimed Hurcule Restaurant fifty people where shot dead, include some little children and a paralyzed midget..." Chi Chi turned the TV off and glared at Vegeta and Goku. Vegeta shrugged and put a large hole in the new TV via his nine millimeter pistol.   
  


Goku laughed as if he was on some serious laughing, happy pills. "Yeah! This isn't our real universe so we can kill as much people as we want."   
  


Chi Chi glared at Goku. "What did you say?" She growled.   
  


Vegeta pointed his pistol at Chi Chi, "Shut up ho." He muttered, squeezing off one round that impacted in the wall only inches from her head. "Warning shot."   
  


Chi Chi growled and grabbed the guns away from Vegeta and Goku. She destroyed them by snapping them all in half and glared at them. She then magically ripped their clothes off without ruining them. "I'm going to wash these off and you two stay here!" She yelled at them. She then turned around to face them once she started to leave. "AND NO MORE KILLING!!!!" She screamed.   
  


Vegeta and Goku reeled back at the decibel level of the scream. A naked Vegeta looked over at the naked Goku in slight fear. "Should we do as she says?" He asked.   
  


Goku nodded. "Yeah. I think so. Kasumi would probably have my head anyway if she found out that I went on a killing spree."   
  


Vegeta chuckled. "Too true. However... She didn't say that we couldn't run around the United States in the buff!" Vegeta offered enthusiastically.   
  


Goku smiled. "We are turning SOOOOO evil." He noted before they both ran out of the house to the ensuing screams of the locals to the DBZ universe.   
  


****************   
  


Later on Goku and Vegeta, now fully clothed in fine Armani suits, with stylish sunglasses and their hair slicked back, were walking down the streets of Hollywood. It was dark out and the many lights of the city shone bright in the darkness. Goku smiled sexily at a group of females that walked by and they all fainted. Vegeta laughed and then kicked a few of them for no reason in particular. Goku looked confused as his friend did this. "Hey Evan. Why are we so violent in these DBZ bodies? I'm not normally one to fight for no reason."   
  


Vegeta made sure his hair was slicked back by looking in a storefront window and smiled at what he saw. "We're saiyans now. We're violent by nature. Our very genes have violence written into them."   
  


Goku smiled. "Oh. I'll have to remember that." He paused and noticed some heavy commotion up ahead. "Hey Veggie." He said pointing down the street. "Looks like a movie screening." Vegeta smiled and took off into the air.   
  


"Lets go show off and show them that we're better than all of them put together." He said.   
  


Goku looked confused. "Why?"   
  


Vegeta began to fly in the direction of the crowd. "Because we can." Goku shrugged and took off along side Vegeta.   
  


************   
  


Vegeta hovered over the crowd a short minute later, bombing the masses with chi balls. "WHEEE!!! DIE YOU BASTARDS!!!! WHO ARE BASTARDS FOR REASONS UNKNOWN TO ME AND THE REST OF THE PUBLIC AT LARGE!!!" Vegeta did an aerial backflip and laughed evilly until he started to cough. No sooner did he start to cough, then a group of Feds drove up and pointed their vast artillery at the Saiyan Prince. "YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP ME!?! NO ONE CAN STOP THE MIGHTY VEGETA!!!!"   
  


Goku just stood(in mid air) watching with confusion. "Okay. I figured we'd just wow them with our ability to fly and our devilish good looks." Goku touched down on tera firma, whipped it out and took a pee on tom Cruise's corpse.   
  


"Too true, way to pee on the stupid dead guy. Man, dead guys are sooo stupid. All dead and the likes.... dead people heh... dead." Vegeta said as he touched down and sneezed on some other dead model. "EAT BACTERIA!!! THINKEN YOU ARE SO DEAD!!!! WELL ACHOO ON YOU DEAD PERSON!!!" Vegeta paused to wipe a tear from his eye. "I crack me up."   
  


Goku paused to wipe his bum on Stephen Speilberg's Jacket. He wasn't dead. Goku laughed as he did a David Spayde impression. "I got the POO on YOU!!"   
  


"HIs bum is on the Speilberg, his bum is on the Speilberg." Vegeta sang.   
  


"Look at ME!!" Goku pitched in.   
  


"His bum is on the spielberg." Vegeta fell to the ground laughing and firing random chi blasts at Federal agents. "WHEEE! I CAN KILL PEOPLE!!!"   
  


Goku neglected to pull up his pants and smiled at Stephen Speilberg. "Hey!" He said. "I'll keep my friend from killing you if you let us both act in one of your movies... leading roles of course."   
  


Vegeta hopped up onto his feet and crouched down, putting one hand in the air and dragging another on the ground. "LOOK AT ME I'M ET!!!" He said as he wobbled across the street waving on hand around wildly screaming in a demented voice. "ET PHONE HOME!!! ET CALL COLLECT!!! ET DO BUSINESS AD WITH MR.T!!!" Vegeta fell once more to the ground, laughing uncontrollably.   
  


Speilberg wet his pants. "You two are insane!" He noted.   
  


Goku magically produced a gun. "Yahuh. You want to live still?"   
  


************** 

(Two years later.)   
  


Vegeta and Goku sat in a lonely theater watching the first screening of their movie. The theater was empty, there was actually cricket sounds and a tumbleweed rustled by the front of the theater's first rows. Vegeta leaned back in his chair with a the popcorn machine sitting in the chair beside him. "I hate to say it, but we suck at acting. Your not bad in some scenes but this movie has more gratuitous violence then a Segul movie. I think I have snapped about forty necks and four of them were presidents of foreign countries." Vegeta slurped his oversized drink.   
  


Goku shrugged, but the plot was good. All Speilburg movies have a good plot, except AI..." Goku pondered this while Vegeta got an evil grin.   
  


"I now have a calling." Vegeta stated in a religious voice. "Before we leave a universe that has either AI or Star Wars episode 1 I must assassinate the child actors who starred. This mission has been presented to me by God himself... Or his counter part... but none the less those two shall die and my bullet will be the one to enter their evil skulls!!! FOR IT IS I WHO MUST SAVE THE MINDS OF IMPRESSIONABLE CHILDREN EVERYWHERE!!!" Vegeta stopped. "I have to pee." He said as he stood up, turned away from the screen and pissed all over the hobo who was sleeping in the row behind them.   
  


Goku frowned. "Uuuuhno... just the episode 1 kid." Goku then shivered. "Flashbacks of the yippee line."   
  


************   
  


(Five months later.)   
  


Vegeta burst through the door of Goku's home. "WE ARE LEAVING!!!" He excitedly shouted. "GOKU!!! PUSH THE BUTTON ON THE SPIKY THING ON YOUR ARM!!! I WANT TO BE ME AGAIN!!!"   
  


Goku looked up from his copy of their movie 'Cowyboy's with flying powers who break a lot of necks'... 'part one of four.' "But who is going to play us in the sequels? There are going to be sequels."   
  


Vegeta shrugged. "We can always film them in other universes transport back here and leave them with a death threat on Steven's front porch."   
  


Goku smiled. "Okay... could be fun." Vegeta, Goku, and Piccolo all then pressed their armband buttons and disappeared.   
  


Blink stayed... she'd follow once she found out which dimension they'd went to. Lilith and Morden were already dimentionally hopped. Akane Crapped her pants, and all was well in DBZ.   
  


The End   
  


NOT!!! HHHAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! FOOOOLED YOU!!!!   
  


***************   
  


Author's Notes: {WE decided that this is our bastard chapter. It's almost ALL completely nonsensical nonsense. That and we we're being extra bastards by skipping as much as possible. We we're super bastards by peeing on hobo's and Tom Cruises, and wiping our asses on Stephen Speilbergs. We REALLY crossed the line when we forced him to make us three sequels in five months. The original's always the best anyway. As for what we did in the years and months between... it consisted of a lot of Sequels, peeing on celebrities, snapping necks, and being polite and priest like whenever Kasumi shows up. Hmmm what else could I say? Oh lets just wrap it up by saying we are bastards.}   
  


(BEHOLD!! EVAN SPEAKS!!! Oh and I didn't wipe my ass on nobody!! And sequels are most always bad can anyone say Escape from LA? I sure can! And it means EVIL AND BAD!!! BAD AND EVIL TOGETHER EQUALS EVIL PLUS BAD!!! RAMBLE RAMBLE, RAMBLE RAMBLE, some more ramblings ensue. And LO!! THE EVIL THAT ENSUES IS VERY EVIL INDEED!!! EVIL IS BAD AND BAD IS EVIL!!!fhweo98sdkfkdikfosi)   
  


{Alright STOP ALREADY!!!}   
  


(And now for some random l33t.4/\/d \/\/h3n j00 f|/\/d 4 br4|/\/ 0n t|-|3 str33t j00 c4/\//\/0t \/\/4s|-| |t c[3an \/\/|th s04p 4/\/d \/\/4t3r!! /\/0!!! j00 /\/\ust t|-|i/\/k |t cl34n!!!)   
  


{Ph33r /\/\y b33r!}   
  


Read Mega Tokyo   
  


Morden Night: anime_morden@crystal-tokyo.com 

Agasaki Ishano:agasaki@death-star.com 

www.anihighisdeadsoidonthaveanactualwebsite.com   
  


take THAT animeaddiction!   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


(Note... that last thing makes no sense...BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA} 


	18. Anyone for some T Veronica?

Check out the NEW Hotbot Tell me when this page is updated 

Self Insertion   
  


Disclaimer: You should know the drill by now. Sides... I've got one on the main page.   
  


You should know all the rest that come after as well. If you've read this far!   
  


Chapter 18   
  


Anyone for some T.... Veronica?   
  


"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!"   
  


"WEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"   
  


Evan, Josh, and Paul plummeted to what appeared to be their death once again.   
  


THUMP!   
  


THUMP!!   
  


PING!! THUMP!!   
  


Josh and Paul landed 'safely on the concrete walkway to a large foreboding mansion, whilst Evan gracefully smashed his face off a handrail then spun backwards and landed on his ass.   
  


"Ouch..." Evan stated, as his tolerance towards pain had greatly increased since embarking on this phase shifting journey though dimensions. "Stupid handrail thing. Thinks it is all good helping people climb stairs and the likes. I'll show him... or it... or is it a her... maybe if I splashed it with hot water?" Evan reached behind his back to open his anime pocket universe and pull out a bucket of heated H2O and returned his hand empty much to his dismay. "Intrigue... I retain my vast intellect yet I cannot use anime powers... Perhaps if I shoot it with chi?" Evan brought his hand up to fire a chi ball at the offending piece of pipe but to no avail. The blast just passed through it and disintegrated a brick wall. The rail was smoldering but not broken. Evan pointed at the rail and glared darkly at it. "We... will meet again!"   
  


Suddenly a lady wearing a red dress and knee high black boots stepped out of one of the many doors in a long hallway type thing. Josh looked confused as she stared at them. "Who the heck is that?" He wondered.   
  


"I know not... though it bears a striking resemblance to one Millia Jovavich." Evan stated blankly, attempting to figure out where he had landed them this time.   
  


Josh looked over to Evan who was now looking like his old self again. "Oooh!" He said in recognition. "The chick who was on the fifth element. Right?" He questioned, paying the girl no mind for the time being.   
  


Evan nodded. Just then after a breeze blew by, ruffling everyone's clothes, somebody came up behind the woman and grabbed her pulling her into the dark mansion much to her dismay. Instinctively Josh ran forward and jumped into the doorway that they disappeared into, he looked around but he couldn't see anyone. "Damn it! Where'd they go!?" He wondered as he looked around and his other two companions came up behind him.   
  


Evan sniffed the air for a brief second. "That way." He said, pointing down the hall. "I can smell their sweet, sweet blood." Evan's stomach rumbled. "Heh heh, blood."   
  


Josh nodded and ran down the hall towards the odd couple. He found the man in the main hall with the woman, who was now down on the ground and panicking. The man looked up and noticed Josh coming towards him. "Who are you!" Josh demanded.   
  


The guy in the blue shirt was startled by his appearance. "Huh?" he stated like a bad actor.   
  


That was all the time the josh needed, he jumped towards the guy and kicked him across the room, knocking him unconscious. About the same moment that his foot connected and Evan and Paul came into the large room, the windows surrounding the place smashed inwards and several black clad people came into the room, brandishing several weapons, and technological equipment.   
  


The people went about their work quickly, apprehending the blue shirt guy and holding the red dress lady in a hostage like position. They attempted to grab at Josh but he flipped out of the way and stuck to the roof, Paul surrendered, knowing the general happenings and Evan went nuts. "YOU AIN'T TAKING ME.... UNDEAD!!!" He screamed as he grabbed a feminine soldier and held her in front of him as he sunk his fangs into her sparsely armored neck. The girl screamed in pain as Evan drained her blood while holding her up as a human shield to soak up the small hail of fire from one of the more trigger happy people. The young Vampire smiled as the girl kicked around as her nerves set in. "HAHAHAHA!!!! EVIL!!!" Josh just stared at the insane vampire he called his friend. But on the bright side the attention of the soldiers was off him.   
  


Josh jumped down from the ceiling and started jumping around the soldiers taking their weapons forcefully and breaking them all in half. He then incapacitated them and got the big one off of the red haired girl in the red dress. Josh pinned the large one up to the wall and tore off his mask. Fear was clearly written on his features and he tried to reach for his combat knife in desperation. Josh stopped him and knocked the knife away. "What's going on here?" Josh asked forcefully.   
  


"Wh...What are you people?" He asked trying to reveal a little more of the situation to better deal with it.   
  


Josh shrugged. "I have super powers, know martial arts, and I can shoot stuff with my own energies, My friend is a super vampire, and my other friend is a crossbreed of human and alien. No biggy. Now why are you and your cronies busting in here and hustling this gorgeous woman?" He asked.   
  


The man calmed down a little bit and began to explain the situation. "A few hours ago an A.I went homicidal, releasing a nerve gas to keep everyone above ground contained, unfortunately it released a deadly toxin killing everyone after a breakout of an experimental weapon was released."   
  


Josh became curious. "What was this weapon called?"   
  


"The T-Virus." The man stated.   
  


Josh dropped the commander and took a step back. "Are you from S.T.A.R.S?"   
  


The man shook his head. "No, we are the security force for Umbrella."   
  


Evan smiled broadly as he walked up behind Josh. "Does this mean we get to kill Zombies?"   
  


Josh nodded. "Looks that way."   
  


Evan produced a modified Magnum from behind his back and handed it to Josh. "Let's go find em" He said busting out his modified 9mm pistol and tossing a shotgun to Paul.   
  


Josh smiled and turned his back on the commander. "Y'know... it's been a while since I played Resident Evil. This should be fun!" Him, Evan, and Paul began walking away, looking for dead stuff to shoot. Just then Paul was shot in the back and died.   
  


"RAIN!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT!?!" The commander demanded as two other soldiers restrained the woman.   
  


"I wasn't aiming for him." Rain declared angrily, "I was trying to shoot the freak that killed my best friend!!"   
  


Evan turned around and smiled. "And I suppose that makes us even?" HE asked baring his fangs. "I'll see you bleed." He stated, firing two shots from his hip, both impacting in her knees blowing them completely away from her body and leaving her limp on the floor. "If any of you feels for her, you'll snap her neck now." Evan said turning to Paul's body and pulling out a strange metallic device and placing it against the wound. He looked up at Josh and shook his head. "Round hit his core. Paul's dead." He said with a small tear forming in his left eye. "He was avenged."   
  


Josh sighed and turned to the remaining commandos with a serious expression on his face. "Now listen up everyone! I know what we're going to be facing here. I've dealt with this sort of thing before." Josh paused... "Sort of. If we all turn on each other you'll all end up dead and me and Evan the vampire will be bored. If we stick together, only a few of you will die and the rest of us can have some fun blowing up lots and lots of zombies." He then put on a stern expression, walked up to Eric, and snapped the cuffs that were on him. "You dig?"   
  


The commandos nodded, and the group slowly advanced, with the commandos leading the way, since they knew the way. Josh stayed VERY close behind the Milla Jovovich look-a-like.   
  


"I hope there are no unicorn medal puzzle type shit down here. I wanna kill shit, not figure it out." Evan complained as he picked up Paul's shotgun and ran to catch up to the rest of the group.   
  


******************   
  


Later at an underground train station. Evan looked around and sniffed the air as the commandos nervously edged through the crates. "HEY!!" He yelled. "NO ZOMBIES OR DEAD THINGS HERE!! GO TO THE DAMN TRAIN ALREADY!!!" The sniper walked up to Evan and cocked his head.   
  


"How do you know that?" He asked.   
  


Evan smiled. "I'm one of them. I can smell death, and even the blood coursing through your veins right now. In fact I kind off want to spill that blood, now trust me and back the fuck off. Your people killed my friend, you'll be just another notch on my gun if you don't.... bitch."   
  


The sniper eyed Evan nervously then decided he was telling the truth and took a cautious step backwards. He motioned for his comrades to move to the train.   
  


When they got there they noticed that the power to the train had been killed. Evan stepped up to fix it when Josh grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back. "Evan." He whispered. "See the camera over my left shoulder?" When Evan nodded Josh continued. "It's been following us, if we move it moves. I think it has something to do with that A.I thing that their boss talked about." Evan nodded again.   
  


"Shall I kill it good?" Evan said happily. "I have a gun and an EMP thingie that could kick it's ass."   
  


"How the hell do you fit EMP into your damn trench coat?" Josh asked.   
  


Evan smiled. "Something I learned in Ranma. I have a pocket universe I actually have a Sherman tank with a 100 mm cannon and a 50 caliber automatic rifle strapped to the top."   
  


Josh shook his head. "You sick, sick bastard."   
  


Evan smiled broader. "I know."   
  


Just then the commander called out that the train was fixed. Evan walked up to where the commander was, planting a small EMP grenade with plastic explosives on a nearby pillar. "You guys are slackers! I could have fixed the train before you even knew it was broken." Evan laughed and boarded as the commander grimaced at the aspect of completing the mission with such a cocky asshole.   
  


The started down the track and began its trek to the underground facility known as the hive. Josh heard a sound from the back of the train and looked towards the back door. Evan was already looking in that direction. "There's somebody in there." He stated. Josh walked over to the door and opened it with no trouble whatsoever. A half conscious man fell out the moment the door flew open and fell onto the ground. Josh shrugged and left him there for the commandos to deal with.   
  


*************   
  


The group arrived at a very similar loading dock and got off the train. The commandos debriefed them on what the mission was while the pretty boy of the commandos followed a 3D map on a small computer screen he carried with him. Just then a small tremor erupted from way down the train track. The commandos got unnerved by this and became more defensive.   
  


"Killed that camera good." Evan muttered as he slipped his detonator back into his pocket universe. "Thinks it's so smart, probably in league with the damn pole." Evan continued to mutter nonsensically as he decided to change his clip to a more potent variation of acidic bullets. "Damn zombies, hope they like melting."   
  


The commandos tried their best to ignore the stupid vampire and continued to follow the map to the Red Queens facility. The pretty boy continued to talk, mostly to Josh and the red haired girl who was discovered to be named Alice. "The Red Queen is a holographic computer A.I. that runs this facility, it mostly controls the self defense mechanisms, but it can override the entire facility at will and lock or open any door it wants. We plan to fry her circuits and shut down the Hive, to contain the virus totally underground."   
  


"Okay." Josh said. "That sounds reasonable." He paused and turned to the rest of the group with a smile. "Hey. Who wants to bet that the moment we fry queeny zombies show up?" he asked, making light of the ENTIRE situation.   
  


"I'll put twenty on that." Evan said, cleaning the top of his gun with a bit of the uniform from a nearby officer, who appeared to be failing in attempting to ignore the annoying undead. "I'll even double that if the commander gets killed."   
  


Josh nodded and grabbed his friends hand in a firm shake. "You're on! But if he doesn't die by zombies I get all!"   
  


The commander growled slightly, attracting Evan's attention. "I think we have a turner!! HE'S GROWLING!! HE SMELLS BLOOOD!!! SHOOT!!"   
  


Josh stopped him just before he shot and shook his head while waving his index finger in front of his face. "That's a no no."   
  


Evan tried to get his guns up to shoot at the commander and growled. "NO DAMNIT! IT'S A YES YES!!" Evan failed miserably because Joshes strength was a might bit more powerful than his. Evan gave up but glared at the commander as they entered the main computer room. "This isn't over MeNelly You killed my brother, and now I'm gonna kill you."   
  


The commander never took his eyes off of him for the next five minutes as the pretty boy of the group worked on opening the doors to the Red Queens chamber. "I've almost got it!" He called out just before an audible click was heard and the doors at the head of the room opened.   
  


The remaining commandos moved into the room corridor, except Alice, Josh, Evan, Eric the police officer, and Pretty boy. The leader of the group was carrying a large black duffel bag down the glass corridor which contained the EMP generator that would shut down the Red Queen.   
  


Evan snickered as he whispered to Eric. "I have a feeling I'm going to lose the bet with Josh, it seems to easy."   
  


Eric looked at Evan with a look of concern. "What are you talking about?"   
  


The vampire smiled. "Nothing is simple when it comes to Umbrella, they always have some weirdass majigger that kills shit good. All I'm saying is they are gonna die and there is nothing we can do."   
  


Just as Evan finished speaking the doors to the corridor slammed shut and an audible humming rang through the room. The commandos seemed unfazed and nodded to Prettyboy to open the doors. Try as he might, he appeared to be to late as a beam of condensed heat started on a path towards the commandos. The majority of the military folk dodged but the sniper attempted to dive to the side just a smidge to late and was dissected almost directly down the sternum, the wound cauterizing from the intense heat. The remaining commandos looked back in horror as the sniper slowly fell apart in a very dead way, the captain seemed to be the final person of their black clad machine gun party, but that didn't last long as he turned around to run towards the far door just as another blue beam shot out and took him out at the knees. Within seconds a third beam launched it's self out and finished the job. Evan dug into his back pocket and pulled out forty bucks and reluctantly handed it to Josh.   
  


"Useless Commander. Couldn't even wait until the Zombies came to die." Evan said as he walked up to the door and effortlessly tore it from the hinges. The Pretty boy looked in horror at the vampire.   
  


"WHY DIDN'T YOU SAVE THEM!?! YOU COULD HAVE SAVED THEM!!!"   
  


Evan shrugged. "You never asked." He said as he walked down the hallway towards the Red Queen, destroying the laser thing as he walked with his bare hands.   
  


Josh followed Evan down the hallway and picked up the duffel bag on the way which miraculously did not even have a small tear in it. He punched the door to the Queen in and it flew to the other side of the room, hitting the opposite wall. "Don't you hate doors?" Josh asked Alice, who followed right after them.   
  


Josh gave the device to Evan to figure out since he was smart when it came to machines and stuff. Evan hooked it up to the Red Queen system moments later and turned it on, just as a red laser light was creating a 3D representation of the Red Queen... it never finished.   
  


Pretty boy walked over to a panel and pulled out a circuit board that contained the Red Queens memory banks. "Lets go before anything else happens." He said. "All the doors are open it shouldn't be any problem at all to get out."   
  


Josh laughed. "OH SHIT!! You just said the cliche MAGIC WORDS to make something fatally bad happen! Every time somebody sais that or 'what could possibly go wrong?' They die." Josh then turned to Evan... "Fifty bucks a licker gets him." He said.   
  


Evan nodded. "I'll take that... Pretty boy's going down on the first zombie encounter." Josh and Evan then shook on it.   
  


Pretty boy got angry with them. "DAMN IT! STOP BETTING ON HOW WE'RE GOING TO DIE!!!"   
  


Evan smiled. "Yeah, yeah. Um... hundred says Milla doesn't die... twenty on the cop wuss, who won't die... and that half conscious guy will die by my hand or if they have hunters, one of those... but not the special ones. Just a normal 121."   
  


Josh shook his head. "No way! That's obvious, Milla's the lead, cop guy's gonna get infected. Neither of them die, we already made two bets, lets keep it simple."   
  


"DAMN IT STOP!!!" Pretty Boy screamed.   
  


Evan shrugged. "I want to make it interesting. But I'll stop betting on these guys... for now. Besides half conscious guy is just a blood bag for me to suck dry." Evan eyed the wussy guy. "That's right. You die by me!! And I mean the suck dry thing in a non-homosexual way... Anyways, forty says I run out of ammo and am forced to take the tank out of retirement, and sixty on the fact that I'll get more kills than you."   
  


Josh smiled and shook on it. "You're on!" They then left to join the other two people who were waiting reconaisance out in the room before the computer room.   
  


***************   
  


The tall black haired man, and the black commando, who were waiting outside were waiting for the others to return when Evan, Josh, Alice, Eric, Pretty Boy, and now fully conscious guy exited the computer room. "Where's the others, the black guy asked.   
  


Josh walked past him and replied nonchalantly. "They all died by getting hit by lasers."   
  


"WHAT!!?" He screamed surprised.   
  


Evan sniffed as he walked past the black dude. "Geeze! You'll get your turn buddy."   
  


Josh then noticed a woman, turned away from them in a lab coat, hunched over. Josh ran towards her. "FIRST ONE'S MINE!!!!" He yelled as he pummeled her with Spider Saiyan strength.   
  


Evan frowned and stamped his foot on the ground. "DAMN IT!!"   
  


All of a sudden a dragging, scraping sound emanated from Evan's left. He turned and shot a gratuitous amount of acidic lead into the undead thing with two dislocated parts, but ended up corroding him and two others as well as two strange containment devices, from which sprang two oddly proportioned creatures which automatically registered in Evan's head. "LICKERS!!! WHEEEE!!!"   
  


Josh, seeing that his competition was getting more kills than him so far pulled out two magnums and began shooting at head level at all of the zombies nearby and far away, he also pumped about seven shots into three lickers heads, one through the glass on the container in which it was still contained.   
  


"BOO YAH!!" He exclaimed as he accidentally hit the black guy in the face. "Uh oops." He corrected.   
  


Evan noticed that the playing field was leveling out, as he reloaded his pistol, he looked over at the two remaining commandos who where simply standing there in awe of the two maniacs. "WUSSIES!!!" HE screamed at them as he unloaded his fresh clip into the remaining commandos. Evan turned back to the zombies and realized they were just a bit too close. "SHIELD YOUR EYES!!" He screamed, Josh did so but the other people didn't... and lived to regret it. "FINAL FLASH!!!" Evan screamed as his chi flared and a massive, blinding beam flung forth from his hands, decimating hundreds of the undead bastards. "WOO HOO!!! WHO DA UNDEAD BLOOD SUCKER!?!" he said as he whipped out Pauls shotgun and unlocked a licker case, just for something to kill.   
  


Josh beat him to it and once it was unlocked he shot the Licker several times in the head, killing it quite good. "Sucker!" He said to Evan.   
  


"JERK ASS!! I called that one!"   
  


"I didn't see you put your name on it!" Josh shot back angrily.   
  


Evan pulled out a permanent marker and wrote EVAN on the dead flesh of the Licker carcass. "THERE!!" He said pointing at it with a shaky hand.   
  


"Josh grabbed him by his trench coat collar and glared at him. "DAMN IT YOU CAN'T DO THAT THAT'S CHEATING!!"   
  


Evan smiled "All is fair in love and war... though love has nothing to do with it."   
  


Josh smirked and grabbed Alice. "Oh Yeah?" He said while planting a massive kiss on her lips, just as a blueish purple aura surrounded the room.   
  


Evan smiled. "You gonna die honky." He stated, pushing Josh back and floating up into the air and picking off the remaining zombies with the shotgun so that Kasumi wouldn't have to deal with that sort of thing.   
  


Kasumi appeared a moment later and the first thing she saw was Josh making out with a surprised and reluctant Alice. "What the?" She said, despair welling up in her voice.   
  


Josh looked up in distress. "Oh shit." He muttered to himself. He let go of Alice and let her drop to the floor. "Kasumi... it's not what it looks like." He said. "It was a bet." He said trying to explain himself.   
  


Evan floated down. "No it wasn't. I said, 'all's fair in love and war', then BOOM!! Out of nowhere he grabs this sleazy hoe and starts playing tonsil hockey with her." Evan looked serious, "It's just not right."   
  


Kasumi nodded, her tears of despair turning to tears of rage. "HOW COULD YOU!?! WE HAVE TWO LOVELY CHILDREN, A LIFE AND A HAPPY MARRIAGE AND YOU TRY TO RUIN IT ALL!!"   
  


Josh released a pissed off Alice, who went over and slapped Evan, and waved his arms defensively. "Evan's bullshiting!! I wasn't trying to ruin everything!!! I was proving a point!!" Josh said.   
  


Kasumi put her hands on her hips, "By making out with a hussie?"   
  


Alice turned to Kasumi. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING A HUSSIE!?!"   
  


Kasumi got an evil grin, "Sorry whore!!"   
  


Evan became excited at the prospect of a chick fight. "KICK HER ASS KASUMI!!!"   
  


Kasumi looked back at Evan and nodded. Symbiotic strands flying from her arms and wrapping around Alice's neck. Alice struggled for a bit but then became still. Kasumi made her symbiote come back and Alice fell lifeless to the floor. "Thanks for the symbiote Evan. I figured it would come in handy for something other than cleaning and cooking."   
  


Evan's jaw dropped. "Whoh... Josh's wife is hardcore..."   
  


Josh just stared at Kasumi in shock. He had no idea that she could kill somebody. "Kasumi, you killed her." He stated rather shocked at the scene.   
  


Kasumi looked at the corpse angry and then smiled. "That'll teach her to stay away from my sweety pie!" Kasumi then ran over to Josh and hugged him fiercely.   
  


"Okay that was weird..." He stated.   
  


Evan looked over at the wussy dude who was to be his food. "I feel hungry." He said before running towards the guy and biting into his neck, draining his lifeforce. "Ahhh, he was lemony... mmm citrus."   
  


Evan got a far off look on his face and just stood there staring blankly at a metallic elevator door. Josh looked at the door and shrugged, he walked towards it and opened it.   
  


"Oops, zombies." He stated as they tried to pull him into the elevator. Josh just lifted a hand up and shot a Moko Takabisha at them, disintegrating them. "We're tied again." He called back to Evan who just now shook out of his blank citric stare.   
  


Evan smirked and walked toward Josh, he tapped his friend on the shoulder and made a Gimme gimme gesture. Josh sighed and paid the man. "Didn't think about Kasumi did you?" Evan asked.   
  


Josh made an annoyed fake smile face at him. "Didn't think she was capable of killing the main character."   
  


Josh, Evan, and Kasumi then directed their stares at Eric the cop... who was the last one alive except for them. "You want to kill him? Or should I? Or does Kasumi want another hit of death dealing?" Kasumi smiled and walked up to Eric. She smiled as a long, symbiotic blade erupted from her left hand and impaled the cop. "Guess that answers that... So then... how's Morden and Lilith?"   
  


Kasumi smiled. "Good... though Lilith is looking constantly green, and Morden is kind of pink... they don't let him in Sunday school anymore."   
  


Evan paused for a second, remembering some important DBZ lore. "Oh shit..."   
  


Josh put his hand on Kasumis shoulder. "Kasumi? I want you to stop killing innocent people. Only use the symbiote for good, and killing zombies."   
  


Kasumi nodded and they began to make out furiously.   
  


"Paul was Piccolo... Lilith was Kami..." He muttered "Fuck. Lilith is dead." He stated. Evan walked over to the half clothed couple and tapped Kasumi on the shoulder. "Kasumi when's the last time you saw Lilith?"   
  


"Huh?" Kasumi stated. "Oh about an hour ago, Akane was taking care of her."   
  


"She's dead, Lilith had a soul link with Paul who died. So that means that Lilith is dead." Evan said, sadly not wanting to be the bearer of the inevitable bad news.   
  


Kasumi went into denial and eventually broke down into tears. "NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOooooooo, ho, ho, hooooo!!!!" She wailed, moments before she faded out into thin air.   
  


***************   
  


Much later after Evan and Josh had ratified every undead thing in the hive the pair emerged from the foreboding mansion. "That was fun... How long till Raccoon city is totally infected?" Evan asked.   
  


Josh shrugged. "About fifteen minutes."   
  


Evan nodded and cracked his knuckles. "Cool."   
  


The pair stood there for about five minutes before the air in front of them started to glow strangely. "Portals opening." Josh said, holstering his magnum.   
  


"Yup."   
  


"Oh yeah."   
  


When the portal fully formed the two stepped into it and disappeared, leaving the city defenseless.   
  


****************   
  


Back in Ranma universe.   
  


Kasumi rushed to her babies side, pushing a crying Akane aside and calling out for Blink, who had decided to take a break from the constant violence that seemed to either follow Evan and Josh, or be caused by the duo. Kasumi checked Lilith's pulse and found that there was a very light one just as Blink arrived, half asleep and only wearing her under garments. "What is it? What's wrong?" The pink skinned mutant asked.   
  


"It's Lilith!! SHE'S BARELY ALIVE!!" Kasumi screamed.   
  


Blink reacted fast, grabbing the child and her mother and teleporting them to Dr.Tofu's.   
  


Later that day, Tofu walked out of the room that held Lilith. "She's catatonic." He said sadly to Kasumi. "I don't mean to pry but were you babysitting this child? Because if you were I'm going to have to get her medical information."   
  


Kasumi reached into her purse that Blink had gotten during the agonizing wait and pulled out the proper documents. Tofu stared blankly at the papers. "S-She's yours?"   
  


Kasumi nodded, tears streaming down her face.   
  


"Oh... I'll do my best Kasumi." Tofu said just before leaving the room, in the other room, Tofu began sharpening a large knife with a maniacal stare on his face as he watched the sparks fly. "I'll kill him! I'll kill this guy! He stole my happiness!!" He muttered to himself.   
  


***************   
  


Josh frowned as he fell into the new world. He managed to land on his feet this time but Evan fell on him and knocked him into a river, turning him into his girl half. "Oop. Sorry Josh." Evan apologized. Josh pulled herself out of the river and looked at Evan strangely.   
  


"It's daylight and you're not burning." Josh said confused.   
  


Evan looked at himself and did an Oogaly Poogaly {don't ask} voice "Hah!?!?" Evan made the mistake of looking up. "OH GOD!!! MY EYES!!!" He screamed as he viewed his first sunlight in longer than he cared to remember (Which is yesterday. God I hate yesterdays).   
  


Josh looked around at their surroundings and noticed that there seemed to be a lack of... life. There was no buildings or people anywhere. "What the hell?" He muttered.   
  


"Everything smells... fake... Strange... But slightly arousing..." Evan said sniffing the air. "I feel the need to kill shit... but that's not too out of the ordinary..."   
  


Just then a little thing came out of nowhere, then there was another one. "What the hell?" Josh said again. The little things moved towards them and then smiled.   
  


Evan whipped out an uzi and filled many of the nearby bushes with lead. A small amount of screaming ensued and the two little monsters scurried around seeking cover, which they decided should be behind Evan's legs. "THESE THINGS ARE DUMB!!!" Evan screamed as he spun around, the monster things running around to the other side of his legs. "BASTARDS!!!" He screamed again.   
  


Josh bent down to the little blob creatures. "What are you things?" He asked. "You look like little blob things, with eyes." Josh then pointed at one. "You have arms..." He then pointed at the other. "And you have wings."   
  


The little creatures mysteriously developed mouths and one of them spoke. "We're Digimon! You're in the digital world." Josh frowned and pulled out his magnum.   
  


"I've heard enough." He then capped each of them in the head and they fell to the ground dead.   
  


Evan put his hand on his hip then took it away quickly. "I've got a digi-thingie... those must have been our digimen... I know!! I'll use Poker balls!!!" Evan set about creating them out of dirt, water and coconuts... as well as the skulls of the two dead things. Five minutes later he tossed one of the skull shaped Poker balls to Josh-chan. "This'll catch shit good... and mine has a nerve gas option... I used what I had... Stupid digimen!! Not holding many technological devices on them so I could make Poker balls out of their dead bodies!!" Evan griped as he switched on the nerve gas option by punching the skull lightly in the face. "I feel better."   
  


They both then fell asleep.   
  


*****************   
  


authors notes: {Yeah... you may be wondering why we just up and killed Paul... and everyone else, and why Kasumi is slightly homicidal. Well... That last one was Evan's idea and we're just writing this thing at random and hoping that we'll end up somewhere cool, we'll stay in Digimon a little longer to cause havoc... then we'll have a poll as to where we should go next. I like reader interaction in fics... sides, it's not like we know what were gonna do next either. It's all random. Well here's a word from our resident psychopath: Evan.}   
  


(I'm not crazy... Ok, maybe I am... BUT THAT'S NOT MY FAULT!!! I BLAME THE WORLD!!! KILL THE INFIDELS!!! PURGE!!! PURGE!!!!.... OK, I feel better. Now then. This was an interesting chapter. Much killing involved. Good good. Um... me kill many things that be re-alive, me starting to slip into past!! Me be cave peoples!!! ARGG!! ME SMASH!!! * smacks self *Ok. again I am better. Well, that's about as random as you get. Anywho do you like cheese? Of course you do! I'll send about 10000 pounds of feta to your house and give you two tickets to the world of cheese in bum fuck Idaho. Enjoy! Now then... does anyone like spam?)   
  


Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com 

  
  


Agasaki Ishano: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com 


	19. Digital DOOM!

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Self Insertion   
  


Chapter 19   
  


Digital DOOM!!!!!   
  
  
  
  
  


Josh awoke a few days later and stretched as she yawned. She was in her girl form due to the falling in the river thing and was feeling extra happy due to the nice long sleep that she had. She looked over and noticed that Evan was still asleep. Josh smiled as though she were on lots of drugs, she was still feeling the effects of the extra strength nerve gas. "I'll go plaaaay." She said as she began to float sideways towards a large clearing. She was actually three feet off the ground.   
  


Evan woke up soon and yawned as he began unconsciously polishing the biggest freaking gun that he had. "Blow shit up." He mumbled half asleep still. Evan semi-snapped out of the hallucinogenic trance that his 'nerve gas' had induced on himself and Josh-chan. "Must.. Wake... Up!!! SO drugged...." He murmured as he brought his gun to bear, aiming at a nearby tree. He then shot the tree. "Must...eat....nana!!!" (Read six d four)   
  


Back to Josh Tai frowned as he leaned back on one of the bus seats. "This sucks! How are we going to find food? I don't think there's even any intelligent life in the digital world."   
  


The digimon sitting next to tai became sad. It looked like a dinosaur. "Are you trying to say I'm not smart?" He asked in a digimonish voice.   
  


Tai waved his hands to disuad his new friend from that thought. "No Augumon! I didn't mean that! I just...there's no other human life out here, well, other than my friends here."   
  


Matt, the guy who tried to act tough stopped playing his harmonica for a moment. "Don't worry tai. We'll find a way out of here."   
  


Tai sighed. "Yeah I guess."   
  


Just then there was a noise at the front door of the bus. Everybody in the bus jumped at the sudden noise. "What was that?" Mimi asked in an overly frightened girly voice. Matt and Tai stalked towards the door slowly with their respective Digimon following behind them.   
  


"Okay." Matt said, as he reached the door to the bus. "I'll open the door and step back, if it's something that looks evil Augumon and Gabumon can shoot it."   
  


"Okay." Tai said intently as though he was actually a part of this stupid plan.   
  


Matt stepped forward and opened the door. "NOW!"   
  


Matt opened the door and nothing happened. There was nothing outside. "Huh?" Tai said. "Where'd it go?"   
  


Just then a woman about the age of twenty or so poked her head inside the door, startling the two boys. "HELLO!!!" She said softly with a smile. The blonde haired girl then entered the bus. "What are you children doing here?" She asked, her eyes completely bloodshot.   
  


The children seemed to be oblivious to that, drug related, fact. "Who are you?" Zora asked.   
  


Josh giggled and walked towards the hat wearing girl. She then leaned over and hugged the girl. "I love you." She said. She then planted a kiss on her and started to wobble towards Matt.   
  


Just then Tai ran in front of Josh. "Lady... How did you get here? Do you know a way out." Tai then noticed a device on her belt. "YOU'VE GOT A DIGIVICE!! Where's your Digimon?"   
  


Josh leaned towards Tai and smiled at him. "You're a cute little puppy." She said as she pat him on the head. Tai sweat dropped.   
  


*****************   
  


Evan wandered randomly through the large digital forest all by his lonesome. Except for the fact that he had twelve skull poker balls now, some larger than others. "Fucking digimon. Digi-ing up their monness." He mumbled as he primed an EMP grenade. "Time to send this forest to digi hell!" He said as he dropped the grenade and ran like hell.   
  


Seconds later there was a large flash and a good sized portion of the digital forest became a black hole. "Shit died good." Evan muttered. "I must show these foul creatures my l33tn3ss."   
  


Priming another grenade Evan stopped to admire his handiwork. "I mustn't run... I mustn't run...." He then slapped himself with his free hand. "Drugs still in effect... I know!! SAKE!! It is the cure for all ailments!!" Evan tossed the grenade and forgetting his magical summoning abilities and the fact that there are no bars in the digital world, he set off to find a place that served sake.   
  


***************   
  


"Lady are you okay?" T.K. asked. "You look like you may have a fever.   
  


Josh smiled and took her shirt off, luckily for the children's virgin eyes she had her spider man costume under neath. She then began to sing. "Iron man, Iron man, does whatever an iron can."   
  


Zora, finally snapping out of her shock and now becoming angered by the fact that another woman kissed her walked up to Josh and slapped her in the face.   
  


Nothing happened.   
  


She slapped her again.   
  


Nothing.   
  


"DAMN IT!! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!!?" Zora screamed.   
  


Josh then picked up T.K. and held him upside down. "Tee hee. Your head looks like a punching bag." Josh said as she stared at the little kids oversized bulbous head.   
  


"NO!" Matt screamed to no avail.   
  


Josh punched T.K. in the head and it exploded in a mass of blood, puss, bone, brain, and some kind of blue stuff. All the other children screamed in horror as Josh kept punching the spot where the kids head used to be. "Four! Five! Six!... hmmm. I'm hungry. I could sure use a slice of pizza." Josh said oblivious as to what she was doing. She looked over at Tai. "Yum.   
  


A few minutes later, all the children were staring in horror at the scene before them as they all huddled protectively at the back of the bus, Josh was currently munching down on Tais liver. His corpse lay in front of her and her blue jeans were soaked in digiblood. {Remember kids... it's not all real.}Josh smiled and licked her lips. "I could use some fava beans... and a nice Ciante." 

Just then. Evan strolled up to the open door _OPEN_ _DOOR_ _BUS_... Anywho... "I'LL HAVE SEVEN SAKIS!!!..." He looked down at the scene of cannibalism with moderate interest. "I'll have what he's got!"   
  


Josh looked up for a second, but then dove back into her meal.   
  


"THANK YOU DR. LECTER!!" Evan said.   
  


Matt recoiled in horror. "WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING!?!?!"   
  


Evan looked over at the hypocritical boy. "I'm a homogeneous person. I can scream... CHILDREN!!!" He screamed as he brought out a pencil crayon and lunged at the group, stabbing them all in the eyes. "WE CAN'T LET THEM SEE THIS EVIL SCENE!!!!... there is no sake." He said over the screams of agony.   
  


****************   
  


Josh and Evan both awoke simultaneously on a grassy hill, they were both naked and had a bunch of pokerballs with them. They were both also covered in blood and the skins of their enemies. Josh took her enemy skin off seemingly not noticing it, or the fact that she was naked. Or the fact that she was covered in human blood. Josh looked down at the teleporter on her arm and noticed that it was time to activate the portal and go into the next world.   
  


"Eyup." She said.   
  


She then opened the portal and they walked through.   
  


******************   
  


The portal opened up into a new world in a wide alley. The place had an odd yellow hue to everything and the architecture was very old but well preserved. "Where are we?" Josh mused out loud.   
  


Evan picked up a discarded newspaper and looked confused at the writing for a second, he then nodded in sudden comprehension. "Ahhhh we're in Prague."   
  


Josh blinked. "Prague? Why the hell are we in Prague?" Josh then looked down at herself and Evan. "And Why the hell are we naked and covered in blood?" She then glared at Evan. "What did you do this time?" She said darkly.   
  


Evan put up his hands in defense, prepping some telekinesis just in case. "HOLD UP!! I did not do anything this time!! I fact, if blurry memory serves, you were voted Miss. Hanibal Lecter back in the digi verse." Evan shuttered at the mere mention of 'digi' "Anyways, you might want to ask the guys going down the fire escape why we're in Prague. They smell like death, meaning that they are probably vampires as I don't remember zombies moving that fast." Evan became teary eyed at the rememberance of the Resident Evil universe.   
  


Josh watched the vampires intently as they slid down the rail and hopped onto their own separate motorcycles. Josh clotheslined the lead one just as a black figure leapt from the top story window and in one fluid motion landed, pulled out a massive gun and fired two rounds into the back of the freshly clotheslined vamp.   
  


Evan sniffed the air once and recoil in fear. "OH MY GOD!!! HE'S A HALFLING!!!"   
  


Josh turned and noticed the man who just landed. Her jaw dropped and she just stared at him. "B...B...B...B...B...B...B...llllllll...aaaaaaaaaaaaaa..."   
  


The vampires on the motor bikes turned around in the alley back towards Blade, who pulled out his bladearang thing and threw it at the duo. They managed to dodge it on the bikes and then Blade jumped into the air over Josh, landed on the back of one of the bikes and pulled out a silver wire. He then wrapped it around the vamps neck and cut his head off. Evan pulled out a gun from... somewhere and shot the bike that the other one was riding. It didn't hit the vampire but it ht the gas tank and blew it up.   
  


Blade stopped the bike he was now riding and walked towards the vampire who was now unconscious. He then turned to the two naked people and walked towards them.   
  


"What are you two doing here?" He asked in his regular dark gruesome voice.   
  


Josh started to shake and then kneeled on the ground. She bowed. "Blade! WE'RE NOT WORTHY!!!!"   
  


Blade stepped back confused. "What the fuck are you doing?" He asked completely confused.   
  


"Worshiping you oh great one!" She replied.   
  


Evan raised an eyebrow at the scene. "Freak." He muttered as he pulled out a pair of black pants, a slightly lighter black muscle shirt and a jet black trenchcoat, out of ... somewhere again. "Anywho. Your the 'daywalker' eh?" He said making over emphasized quotation marks in the air. "So... ah... Whistler... he's a goer eh? Know what I mean, know what I mean? Say no more. Say no more." He said, impersonating the classic Monty Python skit.   
  


Josh stood up before Blade could get too pissed off. "Evan? Give me Ranma's red chinese clothes." She said. Evan nodded and summoned the silk garements using magic. They appeared on Josh moments later. Josh then got into a fighting stance..   
  


********* 

Elseworlds.   
  


Ranma was walking down the street towards Furinkan high for school. All of a sudden just as he reached the gate, he felt a breeze then head several screams. His clothes disappeared. Ranma blushed and desperately tried to cover himself up to no avail. His nightmare came true. "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHh!!!!!"   
  


*********   
  


Josh smiled at Blade. "Fight me." She said.   
  


Blade looked confused. "Excuse me?"   
  


"FIGHT ME DAMN IT!!" Josh screamed at the dhampir.   
  


Blade shrugged and figured he'd knock the crazy chick out in one shot and take off. Josh grabbed his hand in mid punch and then tripped him. She then sent a fist into his face knocking him unconscious.   
  


Josh smiled and looked over to Evan. "Let's take his car."   
  


Evan nodded. Josh picked up Blade and threw him in the trunk.   
  


Evan smiled as he hopped into the passenger side. "You kicked Shaft's ass, I'm so proud of you Onna-Josh!" He said as he shocked the car into working with his electrical powers that had been on hiatus for a good period of time.   
  


Josh sighed as she put the car into gear. "That was Samuel L. Jackson, Blae was Wesley Snipes."   
  


"Oh yeah."   
  


VROOOM!!!   
  


*******************   
  


Later at Blade's hideout in Prague. Evan turned around to look at the extensive damage that had occurred to the 'Pimp-mobile' during a little run in with the Police. "I think we killed it."   
  


Blade woke up and pushed the broken trunk open and stepped out into the shadows of his 'lair'. He survayed the damage and responded accordingly. "WHAT THE HELL!!! MY CAR IS BUSTED UP!!!"   
  


Scud who was suspended for a short time flipped down and undid the wires. He currently had a doobie in his mouth and looked surprised. "Hey man, B! What happened to the car?" He asked. Josh and Evan then stepped out of the car and high fived each other reminiscing about how cool their ride was. Scud pointed at the new pair and looked inquisitive in an angry way. "MAN WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!?" He asked.   
  


Blade turned around and glared at Josh. "What the HELL did you do to my FUCKIN CAR!?!?" He screamed at the Jusenkyo cursed Spider Saiyan.   
  


Josh shrugged. "I don't know? We got Whistler though. Why don't you give him a hit of that Vampire cure that chick made up when you ran in with Deacon Frost? Do you have any EDTA? I want to go find some vampires to blow up." Josh asked, as if the wrecked car was no big deal.   
  


Evan grimaced, "I resent that remark." He grumbled then paused. "But blowing up evil Vampires could be pretty sw33t!! | g0tz gu/\/z!!!" He screamed in l33t.   
  


Scud did not seem impressed and looked for support in Blade who was too busy glaring at Josh to even care what the vampire said or how the pot-head human felt about it.   
  


Evan looked around. "Gu/\/z? Anyone? Hello? Shoot shoot, Bang bang? Boom?" He offered meekly.   
  


Josh smiled, "Yes Evan here is a vampire." She said. "There a place we can sleep?"   
  


****************   
  


The next day. Josh awoke to the vision of Whistler. The old man was standing over her and glaring. "Good morning." Josh said. Smiling at the old man.   
  


"Who are you?" Whistler asked.   
  


Josh stood up out of the sleeping bag she had rolled out on the floor and smiled. "My name's Josh." She said. "I see that you're back to your original human self. How's Blade doing?"   
  


Whistler walked over to a desk where he had put a bottle of whiskey and took a slug of it. He then wiped his mouth and pointed at the topless girl with the hand holding the bottle. "He's pissed off that you trashed his car!" Whistler then pointed to the shirt on the floor and frowned. "Now put your shirt back on."   
  


Josh shrugged and did as the old man asked. "I don't think it's because we broke his car." She said as she pulled the shirt on. "I think he's pissed because I beat the crap out of him."   
  


Whistler sniffed. "Hah. You!? You're only twenty or so. And as far as he's told me you're completely human. I doubt that you're telling the truth."   
  


Josh smiled and walked towards the closed door. "Then how do you explain the fact that I put an unconscious Blade into the trunk of his own car, stole it and then rescued you all in the same night?" Josh then left the room leaving the now human Whistler to himself.   
  


****************   
  


Downstairs Evan was currently looking over all the weapons that Blade's new partner Scud had made. "So this stuff kills vampires eh?" Evan asked. "Can I have some?"   
  


Scud looked confused at Evan's request and then pulled his morning doobie out of his mouth. "Man why are you so into killing vamps? You're one of them also." He said. "What's the point?"   
  


"Umm, repenting my sins?" Evan offered weakly. "Sides' making people turn into dust is cool."   
  


Scud took a long haul off his joint and puffed the smoke at Evan. "Look, I don't see why I'm not killing you right now. You are the enemy." He said attempting to be menacing while holding a silver stake.   
  


Evan raised an eyebrow. "You'd have to hit my heart. You do know that don't you." Scud nodded. "But you see, I have these nanite things. You know what they are?" Scud shook his head. "I didn't think so. Anyway, these nanites have built an adamantium casing around my heart. See, Blade was hammering away at my heart last night. All he's got to show for it is a little scar, which might not even be there due to the little nanites regeneration powers as well as my own. Oh yeah, and that whole near castration thing. You might not want to ask him why he's in the bathroom so long today." Evan paused and spat in the human's face. "Jerkass."   
  


Scud reared his hand back and impaled the stake into Evan's chest. "YOU LIE!!!"   
  


CLANG!!   
  


Josh then came up behind Scud and kicked him in the nuts with steel toes. "Read Mac!" He said just before Scud fell to the floor unconscious from pain. Josh smiled. "Not only that but me and Evan are superior in power to Blade. I have Spider powers and Saiyan powers, Evan has Vampire, Nanite, and Saiyan powers as well as electric stuff and magic." Josh then blink blinked. "Speaking of which. Hey Evan."   
  


"Yeah?" Evan responded as he pulled a stake out of his chest.   
  


Josh smiled. "I've always wondered what Blade would look like as a chick.... give him a Jusenkyo curse."   
  


Evan raised his hands, they glowed for a second and then the vampire smiled. "Done and done. I also gave one to whistler, and scud. Whistler is a Panda, Blade is a chick and Scud should be a penguin."   
  


Scud stared disbelievingly. "I'm a penguin?"   
  


Evan created a bucket of cold water and splashed Scud who turned into... a penguin!!! "I'll bet penguins taste good with sweet and sour sauce." With that Scud fled, wobbling away at an alarming speed.   
  


Evan lined him up with his trademark chrome 9 millimeter and squeezed of one round just inches behind the fleeing penguin. "RUN!!! RUN FOR YOUR PATHETIC PENGUIN LIFE!!!!" Evan screamed, baring his fangs and howling in laughter.   
  


Josh heard a surprised roar and a shocked, feminine scream. Josh chuckled. "This is going to be fun." She stated before stealing a bunch of Blade's weapons and an extra set of his vampire killing clothes.   
  


*****************   
  


Later that night. Everyone was sitting around in their cursed forms at a table except Evan who didn't have a cursed form. Josh smiled and set down her cards. "I win!" she said and raked in all her winnings from poker which consisted of clothing. Blade was currently down to her vest and a pair of boxers. Evan had all his clothes on thank god.   
  


All of a sudden alarms went off. The penguin walked over to a console which showed a camera angle of two figures running through their hideout. "QUACK QUACK QUACK!!" It yelled over to Blade.   
  


Whistler Panda walked over to the Penguin Scud. "Growf mumble mumble." WHACK!! Whistler then smacked penguin-chan across the room and grabbed a shotgun.   
  


Josh and Blade took two swords and got into ready stances as they scanned the complex. Blade still had no clothes on Josh was wearing most of it.   
  


They weren't looking in the right place at the moment though and a surprise attack came from above. Blade blocked with his sword and was about to start fighting hardcore with the ninja clad woman but Josh webbed her completely. The other ninja vampire dude landed by Whistler panda and then got mauled in his state of confusion.   
  


{Yes I'm a bastard by ending all these fights so quickly.}(I hate you poopy)   
  


Evan just stood around as some dude in spandex got mauled by a panda and some chick, also in spandex got webbed to the wall. "Man, nothing cool every happens to us." Evan said, disappointed at something he was thinking of earlier. "I mean, everything has been done before. Killed shit, ate stuff, had rampant sexual episodes with pink skinned ladies, and did used to be cool vampire things."   
  


Josh looked over at his friend. "Shut up Evan." He then turned back to the chick vampire that was plastered to the wall. "Who are you?" She then ripped off the girl's mask.   
  


She then began to talk. "My name is Nyssa. I am a representative of the vampire council. We've come offering Blade a truce." Nyssa then looked confused. "Where is Blade?" She wondered.   
  


Josh smiled and made a Jeopardy wave to the now female Blade. "Heeeeeere's ERIC!!!" She said. Blade looked very pissed off.   
  


Nyssa growled. "Don't play games with me human. Where is Blade?"   
  


Blade stepped forward and lowered her head. "I am Blade." She said. "I haven't exactly been having fun in my new body. Ass hole over there hit me with some sort of magical water curse thing."   
  


Nyssa glared at Evan. "You did this to the Day walker? But you are only a turned vampire. Not even pure bloods have magical abilities."   
  


Evan cocked his head to the left. "Oh? Well now. I must be bullshiting my way through existence. I mean 'not even pure bloods have magic.'" Evan smiled. "MOCKERY!!!"   
  


Josh smiled. "Well then. You might as well take us to your leader then. I believe Damaskinos is expecting us."   
  


Nyssa looked shocked. "How do you...?"   
  


Josh put up her hand to shut her up. "PSSHH! I watch a lot of movies... or... I did. Shut up ho!"   
  


***************   
  


Later on in a chopper headed for the guarded fortress of Damaskinos the oldest living Vampire, Nyssa was sitting across from Blade and was looking at her inquisitively. "You don't look very dangerous." She noted. "Your not even a man."   
  


The penguin sitting beside Blade looked up at the Dahmpir. "QUACK QUACK QUACK!!!" It screamed. Blade opened his trench coat and smiled. It was loaded with high explosives. Enough to level four city blocks. The penguin then clenched it's wing like things and looked constipated. "QUACK QUACK QUACK!!!!!!!" It screamed.   
  


Josh frowned. "I hate penguins!!" She screamed before booting penguin Scud out the chopper into the streets of Prague. He went splat real good.   
  


Evan looked over to the place where the penguin used to be. "Damn, there goes my snack. Anyone got a human? Blood bag? Cheeze poofs?" He asked but to no avail, Nyssa, Josh and Blade ignored him good. "FUCK YOU ALL!! I HATE YOUR STINKY FACE HOLES!!! POO FRO!!!"   
  


Blade turned to the profanity spewing Evan and slapped him across the face. Evan smiled and licked the small stream of blood that started to come from his mouth after a canine impacted with his cheek. "I hate you too Blade."   
  


Blade smiled. "I know."   
  


Josh grabbed some of the vampire cure from blade, mistaking it for serum and jabbed it into Evan. "Here's some Serum, that'll tide you over.   
  


Evan then turned human after lots of screaming and pain as the nanites tried to counteract the powerful unknown substance which eventually took over.   
  


**************   
  


Later on they arrived in the fortress and began to walk in the direction of Damaskinos' personal lair. Nyssa inserted this little tube thingy into this other thingy and then this draw bridge thingy came down and allowed them to enter.   
  


Damaskinos greeted them. "Welcome Daywalk... where is Blade?" He asked.   
  


Josh stepped forward. "I AM SPARTACUS!!!"   
  


Evan then stepped forward. "I AM SPARTACUS!!!"   
  


Blade then punched then both in the back of the head. "I'm Blade." He said, glaring at Damaskinos.   
  


Evan rubbed his back. "I hate you Blade."   
  


Josh groaned. "Yeah, me too."   
  


Evan looked over at Josh. "You made me human. I hate you Josh."   
  


Josh looked confused. "I thought you'd want to be human. Sides' I thought it was serum."   
  


"I still hate you. You took my cool power. Now I've got lightning and magic and nanites and Saiyan stuff. It's practically nothing!! I'M DEFENSELESS AND HUMAN IN A FUCKING VAMPIRE BASE!!!" Evan screamed, getting the attention of Damaskinos.   
  


"You're human? Nyssa said you were one of the turned." The old vampire said.   
  


"Fuck you old man. You are part of this!! BASTARD!!!" He screamed again as he grabbed a random weapon which happened to be nun-chucks and attacked Damaskinos. The nuns screamed as they impacted and splattered all over the immortal. "I HATE YOU SOO GOOD!!!"   
  


Nyssa and everyone else looked confused at the gore splattered area. "Your friend's powers are illogical and can not possibly be." Nyssa said to Josh.   
  


Josh stared at her for a moment and then randomly squeezed one of Nyssa's butt cheeks.   
  


"ILLOGICAL!!! EAT NUN!!!" Evan screamed as he hurled another magically summoned nun at the vampire.   
  


***************** 

Meanwhile back in some random spot on normal Earth, let's call it Iowa. "OH SWEET GOD!!! WHERE DID SISTER ANGELICA GO!?!?!" screamed a random minister in a random Catholic Church in the randomly selected area of Iowa. Now back to the story.   
  


************   
  


Everyone calmed down in a moment and Damaskinos began to explain the reason's behind the truce. He talked about genetics and evolution and diseases. Most of it went over Josh and especially Evan's head.   
  


Josh smiled as she got the general gist of it all. "So Damaskinos you want us to beat the crap out of these reaper things?"   
  


"Precisely." The vampire lord said.   
  


"Okay." Evan and Josh said simultaneously.   
  


Blade and the rest then left.   
  


****************   
  


Evan, Josh and 'the crew' walked downstairs in Blade's hideout to meet the mysterious entities known as the Blood Pack. Evan lead the way, figuring that if any of them acted up he'd just bust out the nun-chucks and toss nuns at them till they left. When he got downstairs though he took a step back, his mind registering only the fact that there was some guy in samurai armor and he had cool swords. "SW33T!! SWORDS!!" Evan called out as he rushed the one called Snowman. But Blade held him back, Blade being in his male form now after asking Evan nicely how to reverse the curse for periods of time.   
  


"Hold up idiot." Blade said in his normal 'pissed off' voice. "These are mine."   
  


Blade went into a long dumb speech about working as a team and got the names of the people working for him and did cool stuff with a stake and slapped a silver nitrate bomb on the back of this big guy's head. After Blade left Evan approached Snowman.   
  


"Hey Snowman. You got cool swords, can I touch them?" Evan asked.   
  


Snowman shook his head solemnly. "No, these swords are a symbol of my family. Not until death shall I part with them."   
  


Evan pondered this for a second. "So all I have to do is kill you and can play with your swords?"   
  


Snowman nodded and glared at Evan. "Yes."   
  


"SW33T! I'll fight you right now! But none of that killing stuff. Blade might have a period over that. Oh burn." Evan said as he cracked his neck and slouched forward, arching his back and putting himself into a feral position. He snarled at the samurai vampire who snarled back and got into his own more proper fighting position.   
  


Evan smiled evilly. "No weapons now samurai." He said in a dark voice, his eyes flickering to black by his magical energies alone. Snowman drew both of his swords and set them down respectfully to his right, mouthing a small prayer to the Blood Gods.   
  


"You know not who you are fighting. I have trained in the arts for hundreds of years." The samurai said menacingly.   
  


Evan's smile grew darker and more sinister. "I truly could not care." He said, invoking demonic strength through a small spell.   
  


Snowman lunged at Evan with a series of well placed kicks and punches which Evan blocked without moving anything but one forearm. The samurai pushed himself backwards and watched his foe rise with an audible snap of his own spine. Standing erect Evan's eyes flashed crimson and he fell back to the floor, skittering on his arms and legs like a simian as his body had broken itself and reformed to suit this mode of transportation. The 'human' barreled towards the vampire and leapt onto his chest, tearing a large portion of it out with little effort and completely neglecting the ancient armor. Snowman fell to the ground and curled into a fetal position screaming in agonizing pain. Evan's smile grew and he stood up again, his spine snapping back into a more human posture and his eyes returning to their natural deep brown colour. Evan walked over to the discarded swords and picked them up. Kicking Snowman onto his back Evan positioned him spread eagle and broke the swords in two. He took the halves of one sword and shoved them through the wrists of the Oriental vampire, pinning him to the ground. He did the same to his ankles and summoned a wavy obsidian sword and shoved it into the vampires chest and walked away to his quarters, leaving the once proud vampire to bleed on his former enemies floor.   
  


*************   
  


Josh frowned as he thought back to Evan's run in with the vampire known as Snowman. "That was weird."   
  


*************   
  


Later on the blood pack, Blade, Whistler, Josh and Evan were walking towards what was supposedly a vampire safe house. "There it is." Nyssa said. As she pointed at the dilapidated warehouse of sorts.   
  


"There's nothing here." Blade said, looking over at Nyssa. "No vampire Glyphs."   
  


Nyssa then held up a pair of binoculars to Blade who took them and looked through them. He could then see through them a vampire glyph that marked the building as a safe house through them. As he looked through them Nyssa explained it. "We've had to change our ways because of you. We are much more careful now."   
  


Josh chuckled. "Heh. We are veryvery sneaky." She said, quoting Mr. Deeds.   
  


Nyssa rolled her eyes and they all went forward, entering through a storm cellar. The only way they would catch the Reapers is to go where the food is. Since Reapers fed on vampires a safe house would be a perfect place to hunt them.   
  


**************   
  


author's notes: {Well we decided to go to Blade two because we just rented the movie and it kicks ass. I honestly thought it was better than Spider Man the movie. The CGI was far better to begin with, action wise? No competition. Blade rules. Yes I know we purposely cheaped out on several things and did completely random things but hey, this is all improvised. We do this on our spare time. We were high on stupidity when we wrote the Digimon part. That was just funny as hell. Sorry to anyone who even remotely liked that show. Also someone e-mailed me saying that he(or she) was upset because we didn't stick with regular DBZ continuity when we went there.........OF COURSE WE DIDN'T IT'S A FANFIC!!! ONE THAT IS IMPROVISED AND COMPLETELY RANDOM!!! Honestly though who would gripe about that crap. Shape up you little whippersnapper.}   
  


(Ok, I did the strangest thing I have ever done when writing SI. I was serious. Whilst kicking Snowman's ass I was 'concentrating' on making it cool. This will never happen again. Anyway, the person who complained about the DBZ thing what the hell are you thinking? I mean, I, a massive DBZ fan went into that universe, butchered it and didn't look back since because it is (key words here) a (wait for it) fucking (emphasis) FAN FICTION!!! Otherwise known as a Fiction written by Fans. Ok so we did look back, and I personally laughed my ass off (Josh says me too.). It was the most comically disturbing thing I have had a hand in writing since we went through Digimon. Fuck dude, live a little! If you still have bitter feelings e-mail me and I will inform you on the ways of Fan Fiction, come on, I need a good laugh. Bastard. So speaks Evan the Mighty)   
  


{We harbor no ill will towards anybody who reads our fanfics but still... come ON man!}   
  


(Also anyone who feels we have 'blasphemed' against Anime or Movie Gods can go to a website called www.suckmyass.com.)   
  


{It probably exists.}   
  


Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com 

  
  


Agasaki Ishano can be reached at: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com 

(I am also working on an online Resident Evil based RPG which will be at the following address in an unspecified amount of time. E-mail me if you have any ideas or want to help.) 


	20. Back to the Universe, the return of Pant...

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Self Insertion   
  


Chapter 20   
  


Back to the Universe, the return of Pant man.   
  


Priest, Leona, Light hammer, Snowman, Chupa, Nyssa, Reinhardt, the black dude. Eli Damaskinos, Abraham Whistler, Josh(Scud), Jared Nomak   
  


The Blood pack, Evan, Blade, Whistler and Josh stepped into the hidden vampire safe house. After walking through the 'formality' area they entered what appeared to be a massive party room except for the strange ritualistic suffering through various means and devises that obsessed the vampiric culture. Some of the nearer vampires turned to face the newbies, especially Evan, Whistler and Josh. Josh smiled. "Ah a vampire party scene. What would the second Blade movie be without one." She noted.   
  


Blade looked over to her and looked inquisitive. "What'djou say?" He asked.   
  


Josh shook her head. "Oh nothing. Just musing."   
  


Evan's eyes twitched as he scanned the large room that was infested with undead flesh. "So... many... TARGETS!!" Evan's hand holding the uzi clenched and began to shake uncontrollably. Evan put his other hand on the first and slowly drew it away. *Mustn't kill vampires, mustn't kill vampires... I hate you dad!! WHY DID YOU CLONE MOM AND THEN I COPPED A FEEL!!...wait... I'm living another person's life. Deal with your own Evan... deal with your own. It's time for my vampire 'special blend' necklace/skin cream.* He thought as he reached into his pocket and slipped on a silver necklace and rubbed some garlic cream on his neck, instantly the immediate vampires backed off, hissing furiously. "What?_WHAT_!?!" Evan screamed as he drew his uzi, that just happened to be loaded with armor piercing, silver bullets coated with garlic extract. "WHAT!! WHAT!! I be down wit da g string homo!"   
  


Josh noticed a Reaper over in the corner of the room and pointed with her UV light at it, it melted a bunch of vampires and then the Reaper blowed up real good in a hail up glowing blue ash.   
  


All the other Reapers noticed this and attacked. Josh looked over at Nyssa and the others. "Eh... use the UV lamps... it's the only thing that'll work."   
  


"We'll see about that!!" Reinhardt said as he ran through the screaming crowd with his shotgun towards a Reaper. "DIE MOTHER FUCKER!!!"   
  


Josh sighed. "Moron."   
  


Evan began to shoot every vampire in sight, but not the Reapers. The hail of bullets continued, with only Josh and Blade using the UV's like they were supposed to. "OVER THERE!!" Blade said as he pointed to a door which a Reaper ran away into. Him and Nyssa then ran after it.   
  


Josh smiled and found a nice spot on the ceiling where he could just shine light upon the Reapers. "Well this is nice." She noted as she pulled out a chocolate bar. For some reason she needed them when in female form. She couldn't help it. It's as if women were naturally addicted to chocolate from birth. *Fuckin pigs.* Josh thought in her head. *They're all gonna get fat!*   
  


The slaughter ensued.   
  


********************   
  


After the slaughter, Evan and Josh wandered around the dance floor picked valuables to pawn of for poker money. "I'm gonna kick your ass next game Josh-chan!!!"   
  


Josh held her finger up. "No you won't."   
  


Evan got one of those red cross thingies that happens when people are mad in Animes and stuck it on his head. "I'm mad!! Note the red thing!!" Evan put the red cross thing away and started to fret. "Damn chick man... I will defeat you in the honorable battle of poker... or something." Evan paused for a second. "I HATE YOU!!!... Poopie."   
  


Josh ignored Evan and kept picking stuff up. "Ooh. Rolex."   
  


"DAMN IT!!" Evan screamed. "I saw it FIRST!!!"   
  


Josh ignored him and picked up a wallet. "HEY!! FOUR THOUSAND BUCKS!!!"   
  


"THAT ONE WAS MINE!!!!"   
  


"Hey!! A gold chain studded with real diamonds!"   
  


"AHHH!!! I WANT IT!!!"   
  


"Playstation 2!"   
  


"Huh?"   
  


"Seems one of these vamps had been carting one around before you shot them." Josh then looked inside the machine. "GTA 3!!"   
  


"FUCK YOU!!!" Evan said and then turned aside. "I almost hit a PS 2 and GTA 3... this is almost unforgivable. I should have spotted it sooner, then I could have killed him right... oh well. Now I just have to wait until Josh isn't looking..." Evan stalked up on Josh who planted a fist in the dark haired boy's stomach.   
  


"I heard you Evan. This isn't Shakespeare, you can't just hold asides." Josh said as she fondled the Playstation. "Oh Playstation, how I love thee."   
  


****************   
  


Later at the Blade shack. Josh and Evan entered the complex and smiled as they saw a reaper on an operating table. "Where'd you get an operating table?" Josh wondered.   
  


Blade ignored the question and changed the subject. "We found a Reaper that got caught in the sewer entrance. He died of thirst and we're dissecting him."   
  


Josh nodded "Uh huh."   
  


"Where have you shit heads been?" asked Reinhardt who was one of the survivors.   
  


Evan frowned and splashed him with Jusenkyo water. "Watch your mouth you Mother fucking honkie son of a bitch with hemorrhoids."   
  


Josh laughed at the now human female Reinhardt. "OH!!! You got TOLD!!!" Josh then turned her attention to the Reaper. "So what's up with Reapy?"   
  


Nyssa explained the thing about being crack fiends, and the not allergic to garlic, and the heart in cased in solid bone thing. "Oh. Okay. Well I'm going to bed. Wake me when it's time to hunt Reapers." Josh then left the group and went to bed.   
  


Evan looked over the dead Reaper. "Fascinating... so if you drop in some blood the system will try to feed."   
  


Nyssa took a razor, cut her finger and squeezed a drop into the area of where the stomach used to be. Instantly the entire body started to convulse with action, digesting the blood. After a short time the system died off again. "Amazing." Nyssa stated.   
  


Evan rolled his eyes. "I already knew what was going to happen. Besides we didn't learn anything about how to beat them except for the small area where the heart isn't encased in bullet proof bone. You know you could have followed my lead and made sure your bullets were armor piercing."   
  


Reinhardt in female form snapped. "BUT YOU NEVER EVEN ATTEMPTED TO AIM AT THE REAPERS!! YOU WERE TOO BUSY KILLING NORMAL VAMPIRES!!!"   
  


Evan shrugged. "I thought they were Reapers."   
  


Reinhardt growled. "YOU LYING SACK OF SHIT!!!"   
  


Evan shrugged again. "Least I'm not a chick who can't do anything but bitch and cook."   
  


Nyssa slapped Evan sending him flying.   
  


Evan growled and used his magic again, making reihardt's curse permanent and giving both Reinhardt and Nyssa the urge to clean everything and cook lots of food for him , Josh and Blade.   
  


Reinhardt stopped doing anything for a second. "Who want's meatbuns?"   
  


Evan put up his hand as did the rest of the people there, mostly out of fear.   
  


Nyssa put her hand on her chin. "Who wants... Pie?"   
  


Evan smiled. "Improvement? I think so."   
  


***********   
  


Later on that night Evan shook Josh from her sleep, when that didn't work he doused her with boiling water. This got Josh's attention, waking him and provoking him to send a punch at Evan, though it was deflected painfully by an electric field. "Josh, I'm bored."   
  


Josh, in a sleepy state mumbled. "Go give people curses or something."   
  


Evan shrugged. "Too late. Light hammer is a chicken, Leona is a pig, the black dude is a rock.. I didn't know rocks could drown, but with a mumble or too the spell became cursed water of drowned rock. Chupa is hot chocolate powder... he's dead now... I was thirsty. Snowman is still pegged to the floor... but I turned him into a raving fag. Priest is a plant and is currently decorating the kitchen in which Nyssa is baking me a pie. And Reinhardt is still a chick... but I felt pity and turned her into a lesbian. So yeah... there's no body to curse."   
  


Josh shrugged and rolled over trying to get back to sleep. "Make Whistler Pand Plaid."   
  


Evan shrugged. "I could, but that would ruin the reason I woke you up. I want to go visit Blink and Kasumi, I was wondering if you wanted to come via a temporal distortion spell. So, you game?"   
  


Josh sat up and yawned. "Sure... I could use some sex... That and I'd like to visit my children."   
  


Evan smiled. "Sex... Yeah... and I want to be sure that normal Akane doesn't corrupt my Akane. Though funny, the world probably would implode."   
  


"I still hate you for that." Josh said as he glared at the x-vampire.   
  


"I know... I know." Evan said as he mentally prepared the spell which would last for a single day.   
  


**********   
  


a short period of time later Josh appeared in Kasumi's bed as per Evan's fine spell casting abilities, (I'm not writing this part... nooo... Ok fine.) And Evan appeared beside Blink, awakening the always defensive mutant.   
  


"EVAN!!" she screamed. "Whoa, you shocked me there."   
  


Evan smiled and kissed his betrothed. "I want to get married to you tomorrow." He said rather directly.   
  


Blink kissed him back and smiled. "Wedding planning takes time Evan, tomorrow is kind of rushed."   
  


Evan smiled. "I know a place where a whole day is a year." He said, baiting the woman.   
  


Blink grinned. "That just might work. But what about Akane?"   
  


Evan shrugged. "She could come along, sides, I've got a fake son to visit there. I want to make sure he doesn't turn out to be a big pansy."   
  


Blink punched Evan lightly. "You are so shallow sometimes."   
  


"I know. But that's why you love me." Evan said, embracing his future wife.   
  


"Not really. I try to look past that. I love you for you general bursts of kindness and affection, which reminds me. When are you planning to be a father to my baby?"   
  


Evan looked ashamed. "I know I haven't been there for you two, but that's because I haven't found a spell strong enough to hold me here. You know that I would stay and help you, but I can't."   
  


Blink's eyes became misty. "But I miss you so much when your gone." She said, starting to cry.   
  


Evan wrapped his arms around her, holding her close and trying to comfort the pink skinned girl. "I miss you too."   
  


**************   
  


Josh lay beside Kasumi, his former thoughts of macking and leaving gone as he looked upon her pristine form. He kissed her forehead gently so not to wake her and held her close as he quickly fell to sleep.   
  


*************   
  


The next morning Kasumi awoke with a start. "WHA!! W-WHO ARE..." Kasumi cut herself short as it clicked in her mind that this 'intruder' was indeed her husband. "Oh Josh." She said carressing his face. "I thought you were somebody else."   
  


Josh looked confused. "HAH!?" He said confused. "Who could i have possibly been?"   
  


Kasumi shrugged. "Some sort of robber?"   
  


Josh shrugged. "I guess that works. Where's Lilith and Morden?" He asked. Kasumi smiled. "They're both in a crib in Nabiki's room, Lilith came out of her coma already."   
  


Josh smiled. "Oh. Well that's good. How are things around here?" Josh then glared. "You haven't been cheating on me or anything have you?" He asked.   
  


Kasumi smiled. I kissed another man for revenge against you for kissing that beastly whore." She said pleasantly.   
  


"Who was it?" Josh asked.   
  


"Ranma."   
  


"Oh I'll bet he got a kick out of that." Josh said.   
  


Kasumi giggle. "No, first he got a stiffy, then he got a kick."   
  


Josh slowly inched his way to the door.   
  


****************   
  


Josh Devan all of a sudden appeared in the Ranma universe and fell into a coma.   
  


******************   
  


Evan smiled the next day as he went out into the Tendo's yard. He noticed a body lying half in the koi pond. "OH MY GOD!! Kasumi has struck again!!" Evan said as he shook his fist. Evan stepped closer and looked at the body closer. "Wait a minute... I know him." Evan checked his pulse and found that he still had one. Evan delved into the boy's soul with a minor incantation. "Josh-san? Cool!"   
  


Evan cast a revitalizing spell, bringing the dark haired boy out of his coma. "Josh-san, what the hell are you doing here?"   
  


"I was playing Yu Gi Oh and I saw this card that bore a resemblance to you and WHAM!! I got sucked into this portal thing. It was sweet!..." Josh looked at his friend. "Whoa, how the hell did you get muscular? Can I get muscled too?"   
  


Evan stared at his friend. "Right... So then, do you have any powers? Paul got cool future predicting stuff and I learn stuff from reading, Josh-chan is a legit chan and can learn any physical maneuver. You've got to get some cool power thing."   
  


Josh shook his head. "I don't know... you know don't you?"   
  


Evan blinked. "I do, don't I... whoa, mind trick! I hate you and your cool power!!"   
  


Josh shrugged. "Ok whatever. Wanna go play Yu Gi Oh?"   
  


Evan shrugged. "Ok, but I warn you, whenever I play a card it comes to life... It's a weird thin that has to do with my innate magical powers... So if Gaia The Fierce Knight comes out and kicks your ass it's not my fault."   
  


All of a sudden Josh, V came out of the house. "Hey Evan, Kasumi's getting pretty violent. I... Josh?"   
  


Evan looked back and forth and then clutched his head. "AHH! THERE'S TWO JOSHES!! CONFUSED AM I!!!"   
  


"Yeah Josh, I was playing Yu Gi Oh and I had the Dark Magician and all of a sudden I was falling and I did a belly flop in your pool....Sorry 'bout that" Josh D exclaimed.   
  


Evan smiled. "Who gives a shit, it's not my pond. You should apologize to the homicidal maniac that Josh-chan married. I think she's upstairs. You know..."   
  


All of a sudden Kasumi was heard screaming "JOSH!!! why is there a dog humping my leg???"   
  


Evan smiled. "Oh, you're good."   
  


Josh put a hand on his chin. "And I was just thinking about dogs humping people's legs... weird..."   
  


Evan put a hand to his chin as well. "Mind trick indeed. You are one of the Jedi aren't you?"   
  


Josh stared at Evan strangely. "Sure... Why not."   
  


Evan pumped his hands in the air triumphantly. "WE GOTZ ANOTHER JEDI IN DA HOUSE!!! So Josh-san, you can do crazy mind trick things, like making people think that they have dogs humping their legs."   
  


Josh D smiled. "SWEET!!"   
  


All of a sudden Evan asked Josh D. "Um Josh do see those purple homosexual monkeys all over Josh V?"   
  


"Opps sorry Evan, I was just thinking how funny it would be to see gay purple monkeys...And I was also thinking of Josh for some odd reason" Josh D replied.   
  


Evan frowned and began drawing kanji in the air that remained in a light blue trail. "You cannot affect me demon. For I have created a mental block around me, from your evilness. Damn homosexual monkeys, thou shall not affect me no longer!!"   
  


All of a sudden Josh-chan screamed in agony. "EVIL WOMEN!! DON'T THEY KNOW I'M GAY!?!"   
  


Evan looked at Josh and started drawing kanji again. "Thou shall not affect my best friend either."   
  


All of a sudden Josh turned back to normal. "Ewww, I passed up women... I should commit sepuku..."   
  


Josh D. thought for a moment and smiled."You know what power would be cool?" He asked. "The ability to fly."   
  


Evan smiled and pointed a hand at Josh. "Fly you shall!" Mystic energy shot forth from Evan's hands and entered Joshes body. He then grew wings, long white feathered wings. There was a spurt of blood and they shot out of his back. He then collapsed in pain moments later. "I suppose that was a might bit powerful without some sort of pain killer... four or five dozen Aspirin might have lessened it a little." Evan pondered this for a second as Josh's wings folded into his back, leaving nothing but scars and large bumps.   
  


Josh-chan stared at Evan for a second. "Yeah..."   
  


Kasumi called out for Josh to come back to bed and Evan made a "WHAPPISH!!" sound and pretended to crack a whip. Josh glared, "Shut up." He said as he walked into the house.   
  


"GET IN HERE MONKEY BOY!!!"   
  


Evan laughed and re-administered the reviving spell on Josh-san (Josh D). "So angel face head kid. You have your wish. Now you are my eternal slave. I O\/\/NZ J00!!!"   
  


Josh glared at Evan. "No you don't."   
  


"You're a free man Josh." Evan said in a daze. He then shook his head and glared. "That shouldn't have worked."   
  


"I got stronger!!" Josh said.   
  


Evan smiled. "Look at the kanji on your head. That stands for Evan. I control you... or you just have my name stamped on your forehead..."   
  


"Latter!" Josh said with a stern look and a wave of his hand.   
  


"Ladder." Evan repeated with a blank look.   
  


Josh walked over to the pond and began to wash his forehead. "Hey Evan, this stuff is washable....Sucker!"   
  


"I HATE YOU!!!... POOPIE!!!" Evan screamed. "Wait... I'm back in Ranma... old habits die hard. Wanna go get wasted and wake up with no pants?"   
  


"DO I!?!?" Josh seconded.   
  


They walked to the nearest bar with Josh V's money and lived happily ever after.   
  


****************   
  


At the nearest bar Evan and Josh-san were pasted as hell. "BOH GOB!! I'mm soooooo wastered!!!" Evan slurred as he set down his fifteenth oversized bottle of Sake.   
  


Josh-san muttered something about flying and spread his wings. "Immm da masta off da luniversss!!!"   
  


Evan slapped the table and burst into uncontrollable laughter. "Dudeee I gots a sw33t cutty shing!! Sward!!" Evan handed Josh a sword from...somewhere and continued. "Juss yous says I am She-man, by the power off magicalll stuffs I kick ass!!"   
  


Josh stupidly grabbed the sword and repeated the phrase, and lo, She-Man was born.   
  


**************   
  


Later that day on the news.   
  


*Ha haaaa. That's right bill. Back to you Jim.*   
  


*Thank you Sarah. Well it seems that two super hero's have appeared on the scene in Tokyo this morning. The pair are calling themselves, She-Man and Pant-less man. Yokukaszu has the rest on that story.*   
  


*Thank you Jim. These two odd hero's have been slaughtering criminals everywhere. This small superhero team consists of a transsexual, and a man wearing his underwear on his head. They've actually agreed to have an interview with me right now.* The reporter then turns to the superhero's, Pant-less man is heavily censored. *So how does it feel to be Japan's first superhero's?*   
  


Evan walked forward and stared close into the camera. *I'm A GONNA NUUTS!!! POTCHIEEEEE!!!* He slurred before falling down.   
  


Josh-san(She-Man) stumbled for a bit and then kicked Evan. *I'm orny!* He? Slurred. *He then produced a cup of cold water from nowhere and splashed the reporter, it did nothing, Josh then held out his arms towards him and shouted. *COME ERE!!*   
  


*BOH GOB!!!* Evan screamed from the ground before standing up. He and Josh gave each other a quick look and then started to dance like it was 1999. They did so very badly before falling down Joshes face landing in Evan's crotch.*_BOH GOB_!!!! Gets of mish j00 pervarted monkey!!!* Evan slurred before falling asleep and latching onto the reporters leg.   
  


The reporter slapped a sweat drop on his head and frowned. *What the fuck?* he stated to the camera. *They're fucking DRUNK!!! Screw this I'm going home.*   
  


Kasumi and Josh frowned as they shut off the T.V. "Oh dear." Kasumi said.   
  


Josh-chan frowned. "All I want to know is where they got the money to get so wa... oh shit."   
  


Kasumi shrugged. "Who cares? As long as it's bad men they're killing."   
  


"I guess."   
  


*************   
  


Evan kicked some old lady in the head. "Sooo wastered!!!"   
  


She-man nodded. "Verily, the effects of Alcoholic substances linger long upon you my friend."   
  


Evan kicked She-man in the shin, which had no affect because he was so very drunk. "Fudge you, you man woman..."   
  


"Right then, we should continue our quest of protection, this fine city is in need of heros." She-man said adjusting his bra.   
  


All of a Sudden a voice from Evan's past called out. "PANTALOON TYPHON!!!"   
  


"BOH GOB!!!" Evan screamed as he turned around a lot, till he fell to the ground dizzy.   
  


A mass of razor sharp pants swirled around and took down the two heros. Josh Devan and Evan turned around and gasped when they saw a "PANT GOLEM!!!" Evan screamed as he pointed at the entity with the glowing yellow eyes and the pants that swirled around it like a symbiote.   
  


The Golem began to laugh.   
  


"If I wasnrn't soo wasterered, I'da kick yuor ass Golmom!!!" Evan screamed drunkenly. "Wait a secoered!!" Evan mumbled some magical words and instantly the effect of alcohol vanished and he was sober as any sober person could be. "Just for making me waste my drunkenness I'm going to kick your ass!" Evan said as he charged a kamehameha.   
  


Before Evan could throw the Kamehameha the pant golem laughed and thrust it's pant covered arms forward. "KILT KANNON!!" It screamed as it held out a kilt and it shot a laser blast forward, canceling out the Kamehameha, and striking Evan in the chest.   
  


She-Man struck a pose and pointed at the golem, "VERILLY THOU HAST..."   
  


"KAHKI CRUSHER!!!"   
  


"AAAAUUUGH!!!" She man was suddenly hit by extra weighted down Kahki's and fell to the ground. "F...Fiend!"   
  


Evan stood up and looked at the hole in his shirt. "Dude, that's not cool. SHEARS OF SHARPNESS!!!" Evan pulled out oversized pruning shears and lunged at the golem.   
  


"TIGHTY WHITEY TWISTER!!!" Evan was knocked back by a hoarde of tighty whiteys which did nothing more than injure his pride, but his assault was stopped.   
  


All of a sudden Josh-chan appeared. "Hey, what the hell is going on here? I seen you guys screwing up on the news."   
  


Evan glared at Pant Man. "He is back."   
  


Pant man struck a dramatic, almost Sailor Moonish pose. "I am the theif who raids your pantie drawer!! I am the tailor that steals your pants!! I am the soil that invades your shorts... um... that was a bad one... just a sec... I am..."   
  


Evan cut him off. "DARKWING DUCK!!!"   
  


Pant Man glared at his only real foe. "No." He said smugly. "PANT MAN!!!" As he said this a pantaloon typhoon sprung up behind him sheerly for dramatic effect.   
  


Evan shrugged. "He is the guy who kept stealing my pants last time we were here."   
  


Josh-chan nodded, She Man mumbled something about homosexuality as she rolled around on the cement. Evan kicked She man till it awoke.   
  


Pant Man smiled. "So you remember me eh? Well, I've been building a super secret attack just for you, and it's not my kilt kannon. It's.... MEGA DENIM GOLEM FORM 2 SPILT FORM!!!" as he spoke those mystical words hundreds of denim golems sprung from the earth and gathered around the trio in a circular formation.   
  


Evan looked over at Josh-chan. "Wanna use or super secret attack pattern?"   
  


Josh-chan raised an eyebrow. "We have a secret attack pattern?"   
  


Evan grinned. "No, but that's what will get em. Element of surprise."   
  


Josh-chan shook his head. "Riight, let's just kick ass."   
  


"Meh." Evan said as he lunged to the nearest golem with his aforementioned pair of oversized pruning shears and began to rip it into pieces while warding off the other golems with his aura.   
  


She Man drew forth it's sword of power and started hacking random golems, while Josh-chan used his spider powers to evade until he found their breaking point using the Bakusai Tenketsu to make them explode, Evan pulled out Wolverine claws and started hacking them to pieces. This all wasn't working however, the golems kept regenerating, and more kept being risen.   
  


"THERE'S TOO MANY OF THEM!!! WE CAN'T BEAT THEM ALL!!" Josh said as she started using chi powers to disintegrate them. "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!"   
  


"BECOME THIRTEEN!!!" Evan responded.   
  


"WHAT!?!" She-Man stated. "HOW DOST BECOMING YOUNGER AID US IN OUR BATTLE!?!"   
  


The trio moved together and then Pant-Man called out his next attack. "MEGA DENIM GOLEM!!! FORM THREE!!!!!" Just then all of the golems began to merge with Pant-Man who began to grow, several stories high.   
  


"SNICKITY SNOOTH!!!" Evan said as he stared up at the now godzilla sized Pant-man. "THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY HE CAN BE DEFEATED NOW!!!" He yelled into Joshes ear.   
  


"Oww, fuck off yah dick."   
  


"Verilly!"   
  


Evan shrugged and then summoned the american version of Godzilla. "Pant-Man's going down!!!"   
  


Just then Godzilla ran away to go have babies in Tokyo Subway. "Fuck. Plan B." Evan walked over to Josh and slapped on two gauntlets that resembled Eva unit 02's arm restraints, and put other's that looked like 03's on She-man, who he reverted to Josh-san out of pity. He slapped on his own which looked like unit 01's and nodded to the Joshes. "Ok, who wants to become an Eva?"   
  


Josh-san looked confused. "What's an Eva?"   
  


Evan shook his head. "Like a Gundam, but way better."   
  


"Oh."   
  


Josh-chan appeared to be in a state of bliss as he realized which Eva he would become. "Evan..." He said almost in tears. "This is the first nice thing you've done since we got here."   
  


Evan frowned. "I know, don't tell anyone." He then invoked the spell that would transform them into their Eva counter parts.   
  


***********   
  


In the Eva universe. Shinji took aim at the large spherical angel in front of him, he pressed the trigger but for some reason got no response. Then Eva unit 01 disappeared and he fell forty stories to his lovely splattering death, then the angel destroyed the town and freed Lilith as unit's 00, 02, and 03 also disappeared, dropping their pilots down forty or so stories.   
  


***********   
  


Josh smiled as he, Josh, and Evan all grew to be around forty stories tall. Josh frowned as he noticed Eva's unit 00 sitting a ways away doing nothing. "What was the point of summoning that one if there's nobody to pilot it?" He asked over the radio link to Evan.   
  


"I figured since I let Godzilla loose somebody might need an Eva to kick it's ass. Maybe you could give it to Kasumi? It could be a vent for her uncanny desire to kill and burn. But anyway, we have a giant Pant Man to kill and there are no Power Rangers to stop him!! WE MUST BE THOSE POWER RANGERS!!!"   
  


Josh-san looked around, then looked at his now massive hands. "Hey Evan? Are we piloting these sweet mechs, or are we the mechs?"   
  


Evan smiled, unit 01's mouth restraint breaking allowing the monstrous thing to smile along with him. "We are the mechs, and the radio is implanted in our brains when we become them. That way we can communicate easier. Now then, lets rip Pant Man a new ass!!" Unit 01 lunged forward, taking out his short blade and stabbing at Pant Man while 02 pulled out the katana type sword and followed suit, leaving 03 behind as Josh-san had no idea about the capabilities of the Eva.   
  


(Josh Devan will be forced to watch the copy of Evangelion: Death and Rebirth as soon as humanly possible, and I'm going to steal Josh-chan's borrowed copy of End of Evangelion.)   
  


Pant Man screamed in rage and the three Eva's flew backwards. "YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME!!!" He screamed before pulling out a few pairs of Blue jeans out and wrapping them around each other. "JEAN MACHINE GUN!!"   
  


Josh frowned as he dodged around the bullets and got hit by a few. "Aaah Damn it!! This guy is too powerful!!!"   
  


Evan frowned and prepared to move in with a vibro knife. "He wasn't as hard to beat last time!! AAAGH!!" He then got blown over by a Tighty Whity Twister from pant man.   
  


Josh-san looked over his new body and noticed a pistol and a knife like thing. He pulled out the pistol and shot blindly at Pant Man, merely getting his attention. Evan pushed himself off the ground and shot a quick look at Josh-san. *Oh fuck! This is Josh's first real fight! I'm gonna have to save him!! DAMN IT!!" Evan lunged at Pant Man again, getting in a few quick slashes before Pant Man turned on him and sent him flying with another tighty whitey twister. *He's not even calling out his attack names as often. And man I hate that tighty whitey attack!"   
  


Josh paused as he tried to get unit two up. "Damn pain receptors. Waitaminute." Josh then turned around to look at Unit 00 which was moving, and it's eye was glowing red. "Evan, something's wrong here." Josh stated over the link.   
  


Evan turned around and noticed unit 00 moving supposedly by it's own will. "This is...unexpected."   
  


Pant man smirked and got into a very homosexual fighting pose. "Another one eh? No problem! My pant sheild could withstand a hundred of you!" He said.   
  


Just then a new voice came threw the link. "I saw the news and thought that you guys could use some help." Came the very female and kind voice.   
  


"Kasumi?" Evan and Josh said at the same time.   
  


"What the hell!?! How did she activate Unit 00 without me knowing? And why is her symbiote spreading over the frame..."   
  


Unit 00 let out an angry roar and lunged at Pant Man, symbiotic claws forming on the already powerful hands. Kasumi ripped into the surprised villain with remarkable ease, her blade like finger tips running through the re-enforced pants like air. Massive spouts of blood sprayed from the super villain, covering Tokyo in a fine layer of hemoglobin and red blood cells.   
  


Evan looked away. "Oh, that is brutal! I though you said your killing days were over Kasumi."   
  


Kasumi's eerily cheery voice rang over the radio, "Well, desperate times call for desperate measures."   
  


Evan smirk despite himself. "Yeah, but with great power comes great responsibility."   
  


Kasumi sunk her claws into the over killed villain and tore out his heart. "True."   
  


"YOUR WIFE IS A FREAK!!!" Evan screamed.   
  


Unit 03 clutched it's stomach and turned away. "I CAN'T TAKE THIS!! MAKE HER STOP!!!"   
  


Unit 02 walked up behind Kasumi and pulled her away from the corpse. "You can stop now, he is really, really dead."   
  


"BRAINS!!!" She quickly yelled. Josh backed off a little.   
  


"Okay!" Kasumi dropped the oversized corpse and then it shrunk back to it's original form. The three Evas then turned back into their original forms. Evan looked at his watch and smiled. "Well. It looks about time to move on to the next universe." He said. Spells just about to wear off.   
  


Kasumi smiled and kissed Josh. "Bye sweety." She said before he, Evan and The new recruit, Josh Devan, disappeared.   
  


****************   
  
  
  


Josh smiled as they appeared on Eli Damaskinos balcony at dawn. Him Evan, and Josh D all smiled as they looked at the sunrise. "Nice." Josh said.   
  


"Very." Josh D seconded.   
  


"I haven't seen one of these for a while." Evan said. "And check out these sweet armbands that are fused to our skin!"   
  


Josh and Josh smiled and they both held out their arms. "Sw33t!"   
  


Josh then turned around. "Hey Blade, byt Nyssa." He then turned back. "That is a nice sunrise!"   
  


Blade then stood up as the ashes of Nyssa drifted into the wind.   
  


Evan looked around and noticed that Blade appeared to be in some sort of pain. "Hey Blade, what's new?"   
  


Blade glared at the ex-vampire. "Go away. Your purpose is served here. Leave me."   
  


Evan frown. "Rough morning? You need some Java!" Evan summoned a cup of coffee and handed it to the dhampir, who refused it and attempted a dramatic exit, walking away with the sunrise outlining him. Evan frowned and beaned him with the cup.   
  


Blade spun and growled at Evan, baring his teeth. Evan smiled and mentally activated his armbands, transforming into a roaring Eva Unit 02. Blade looked up with surprise and fear. "Oh shit."   
  


Evan smiled down on the dhampir. "Squeesh?"   
  


Josh-chan shook his head. "Oh god."   
  


Josh-san was still recovering from the mental trauma he had received after Kasumi gorged herself on Pant Man.   
  


An audible squeesh was heard just as the portal to the next world opened. Evan turned back to his normal form and stepped through. Josh and Josh followed.   
  


**************   
  


author's notes: {Well we brought in a new character... maybe we'll have a poll on whether or not he exists. Who knows. I'm gonna end it by saying. My girlfriend has agreed to bake me a pie soon... how cool is that? Eh? Eh?}   
  


(Yes pie is good. YOU CHAUVINISTIC BASTARD!!! Oh irony. Anywho, do I exist? Or am I an apple? The choice is yours for reasons beyond my control... perhaps I should speak like a mindless drone which inhabits Josh's brain and eats stuff... Yeah, well when I was going out with Josh's current girlfriend she made me cake. Not as good admittedly, but still it wasn't me in the kitchen. Anyway, my current girlfriend lives too far away to bake pie... but Fed-ex works wonders these days. Or I could go brown... Ah commercial nihilisms how I love thee.)   
  


[(This would be Josh-san's thoughts, but I'm sure he doesn't have any since he is a figment of our imagination... or is it just Josh's Imagination because I can't possibly exist.) {They're both real... don't listen to them.} (HE IS MAKING ME UP!!! I'M NOT REAL!!! DAMN IT WHY WON'T YOU BELIEVE THE SHADE OF JOSH'S IMAGINATION!!!!) {Damn it shut the fuck up.} (Maybe if you take an aspirin the headache known as Evan the imaginary writer will disappear... Oh self conflict. If I don't exist he is fighting with himself... and losing!!!)]   
  


{Yes readers... he really is this dumb}   
  


Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com 

Agasaki Ishano: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com 

Josh Devan: seifer2@hotmail.com {Or is it?} 

  
  


(Am I really this dumb? Or is Josh!?!?)   
  


{ The author's notes are done! Shut the fuck up!}   
  


TBC   
  


{Next time} Our hero's journey into another universe!!!!! 


	21. Ahhhh College

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Self Insertion   
  


Chapter 21   
  


Ahhhh College   
  


Josh, JD (Josh Devan) and Evan appeared in a swirl of orangish blue portal magic right in front of a Mandarin 

"Hey guys...Do you hear that music?"JD asked. in the background all that could be heard was "You go out on Friday night..." "Holy Crap Were in Undergrads!" all the boys screamed.   
  


Josh stared dead ahead. "Mandarin... ohhh..." Josh started to drool something hardcore.   
  


Evan looked at the building in front of them. "Yeah... it is a mandarin... I've got a hankering for Chinese."   
  


Josh nodded. "Must buy...." Josh reached into his back pocket and pulled out his empty wallet. "HEY!! WHERE THE HELL IS MY MONEY!!!"   
  


Evan averted his eyes and started whistling. "Doo doo doo... Hey JD... wanna go someplace... away from Josh... I just happen to have a hundred or so dollars which was donated to me by a kindly old lady."   
  


JD Shrugged. "We could always go get plastered..."   
  


All of a sudden Rocko passed by yelling "Don't trust the Irish...."   
  


"Hey Rocko, I just happen to have about a hundred bucks on me....and im lookin for some beer and some bitches...Care to help me out?" Evan asked.   
  


"What? Who the hell are you? Are you Irish?" Rocko asked Evan.   
  


"Yeah. Fuck you Rocko. Wanna go get drunk?" Evan said, a small amount of chi crackling across his fists.   
  


Rocko shrugged. "Ok... but don't trust the Irish."   
  


Evan shrugged. "Ok, let's get really plastered."   
  


JD shrugged. "I'm going to hang out with Gimpy. See you biznouchies!!" Evan and Josh waved to JD as he headed off to Teckerson.   
  


Josh pondered for a second as JD headed out. "Do you think a hundred bucks will get you drunk?"   
  


Evan put a hand to his chin. "No. Your right. It took me a bitch load more yesterday when I stole your money... I mean... got money from old lady."   
  


"I hate you Evan." Josh said. "Give me back my money."   
  


Evan handed over the money. "FINE!! I'M GONNA WHORE MYSELF!!!"   
  


Josh raised an eyebrow. "What about Blink?"   
  


Evan shrugged. "She's to far away too whore myself off. I'll just hit State U and mac on Jessie and Kimmy. I'm sure they have lot's of money that they would put in my 'sex fund'."   
  


Josh shook his head. "You are strange."   
  


Evan looked at Rocko. "Rocko... you better not come... your ugly."   
  


Rocko shook his fist. "Damn Irish!!"   
  


Evan sent him across the street via telekinesis into a Radio Shack. "Fuck you. Bye Josh! I gotta get laid for money!" With that Evan walked in a direction that he thought could be State U.   
  


And lo, Josh was alone. He walked into the Mandarin and bought very good food... and ate it.   
  


***********   
  


As JD was walking to Gimpy's place he was swinging his sword, and he 'Accendtly' killed Joanh's stalker. 

"WHOA! Holy Damn!! Ummmmm nobody saw that...right..well umm might as well take her belonings" JD said while stealing shit from her pockets. JD found Joanh's tape recorder, he pressed 'Play". "Dear Diary..I would die for Jonah as long as we could be together...." Those seemed to be her last words...   
  


"Hey...at least I found a twenty" JD said as he continued walking.   
  


(30 min later)   
  


JD was led to Gimpy via mind trick by Mump who JD made think he was on a treadmill. "Tee hee, its about time that bastard lost some weight" JD said as he walked into Gimpys room, which was covered from wall to wall in Star Wars items.   
  


"Hey Gimp" JD said to Gimpy, who was busy hacking into Marvel HQ and changing Spider-man to Han Solo. 

"The Hell?" Gimpy said to JD as he faced JD. "Your right, I don't need to know who you are right now" Gimpy said via mind trick.   
  


"So Gimpy...I wanna learn how to Hack...We gonna do this the easy way or the hard way?" JD asked with an evil grin on his face   
  


************   
  


Approximately the Same time Evan stepped out of one of the dorm rooms with his shirt on backwards. "Thank you for the business." He said, thumbing a couple fifties. A semi covered girl stepped out of the room and smiled. "Thank you Evan, that was the best sex I have ever had."   
  


Evan shrugged, he had heard that a lot today. "Apparently these ladies are not being satisfied. I'm only the solution to this problem." Evan then knocked on Jessie's door.   
  


She opened it slowly. "Hey, what can I do for you?"   
  


Evan smiled. "That's not the question. The question is, what can I do for you?"   
  


"Are you trying to whore yourself?" Jesse asked with a raised eyebrow.   
  


"Yup."   
  


"Go away."   
  


"Wait! I'll make it worth your while!" Evan said while casting a seduction spell.   
  


Jessie slowly fell under the influence of the spell and kinky stuff ensued.   
  


About an hour later Evan stepped out of the room. Thumbing his now much fatter wad of cash.   
  


"Your going to call me right!?!"   
  


Evan shrugged. "Sure whatever."   
  


**************   
  


Josh smiled as he entered State U. "Hmmm school. Mmmm kay." Josh then walked to the dorm rooms figuring he could find someone to crash off of. It wouldn't be hard... just find the right people. "Let's see. I'm in undergrads so I could just pose as Cal's long lost cousin and crash with him and Nitz guy. I do a pretty mean Cal impression."   
  


Josh smiled as he came across the room the had "Nitz and Cal's room" printed on the front. "No time like the present."   
  


Josh then knocked on the door, he heard foot steps and then cleared his throat testing out his high pitched Cal voice. "Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! VALERIEEEE!!"   
  


The door then opened. Nitz was standing there. "Can I do something for you?" He asked.   
  


Josh looked down at Nitz and smiled widely. "Hey Guy! What's up?"   
  


Nitz became pale.   
  


Josh continued. "Hey. I'm Josh. I'm Cal's cousin. Kind of one of those long lost situations guy."   
  


Nitz began to grind his teeth. *Please don't say you're staying with us. Please don't say you're staying with us. Please don't say you're staying with us. Please don't say you're staying with us. Please don't say you're staying with us.*   
  


"I figured I could crash with Cal till I can get my own dorm guy. Thanks for being so hospitable." Josh then walked past and into the room.   
  


Nitz fell to his knees and screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"   
  


****************   
  


Evan heard the familiar scream of despair, and feeling drawn to it, rushed to the scene. "SUFFERING!! I FEEL YOUR SWEET, SWEET EMBRACE!!!"   
  


One of the local goth chicks pumped a fist into the air. "You go fellow goth!!"   
  


Evan turned towards the goth chick. "How about a quickie for a fifty?"   
  


"Kay."   
  


Thirty minutes later. "That was quite the quickie."   
  


the goth chick fell to the floor. "Oh god. Here is your money. Now stay with me for eternity."   
  


Evan smiled. "Maybe in another eternity, I gots ta pimp myself off good... and get real drunk!"   
  


Goth chick smiled as Evan ran down the hall and began singing "There goes my hero". Some random guy started strumming the chords to the song on his guitar, and another person played the beat on their drum kit. Evan shook his head as he ran. *What have I done? What have I done?...Other then getting laid for money.* "SW33T!!! I GOT LAID FOR MONEY!!!" {And he just realizes this now.}(So I can be thick skulled. Big deal.) A bunch of guy started clapping and patting him on the back as he rushed down the hall.   
  


A couple minutes later Evan arrived at Nitz's room. He heard the hallowed refrain of the 'Valerie song' from two separate vocal chords, though very similar high pitched vocal chords. "Oh sweet jebus. The world is at it's end." Evan attempted to open the door but found that it was locked. He cast a phase spell on himself and passed through the door instead.   
  


Josh and Cal were playing on Cal's crappy keyboard, singing away, as they laughed and they played... just best friends... best friends are they. "I hate you guys." Evan said.   
  


Josh looked up at Evan. "Hey guy! What's up?"   
  


Evan breathed in deeply and glared at Josh. "You realize what you have done?"   
  


"Yeah guy! Me and my best buddy Cal guy are singing... guy."   
  


Cal smiled. "Yeah guy. Josh guy is great at singing guy. We made a whole song guy. Wanna hear it?"   
  


"NO!!! no..." Evan stated a little quick thrusting out his hands to emphasize that he did not want them to play. "Not on your life will I hear that song! (Rant time) I will never listen to the evil of Valerie repeated countless times. NO! I shall not endure it! For it is of the most evil substance! The trivial meanderings of two Calesque morons chanting a fiendish theme shall not enter my brain! I shall destroy your satanic shells before one note. One note! Enters my ears! Thou shalt be punished before God!!"   
  


Josh shrugged and turned back to Cal. "Hey guy I'm going to go talk to Evan guy."   
  


Cal nodded. "Sure guy! I'll work on the song."   
  


Josh then walked away with Evan into a separate room. "Listen Evan." He said in his normal voice. "I'm going to be crashing here until the next jump. I'm posing as Cal's cousin and I have to play the part."   
  


Evan nodded. "Oh. Okay." Evan then looked over to the kitchen where Nitz was getting a glass of water. "I'll probably stay in my own dorm room. I'll kick some punk college kid out."   
  


Josh nodded. "Cool. I'll see you later." Evan then transported out of there.   
  


"Hey guy." Cal said. "Your friend take off?"   
  


"Yeah guy." Josh said. Just then Nitz, as he was walking over to his room, tripped on a floor mat and the glass of water flew out of his hand, splashing Josh. Josh screamed when the change overtook her. Josh looked down at her female body and smiled in her mind. She then looked up horrified at Nitz who, along with Cal was staring in shock at the now female Josh. "What the hell did you do Nitz guy?" Josh asked horrified.   
  


Nitz stared at the empty glass on the floor and then up at Josh again. "I don't... I don't..."   
  


Cal glared at Nitz. "I don't know what you did to my cousin Nitz guy... but it wasn't cool.   
  


*****************   
  


"Well seeing how I am interested on seeing what will happen....I will have to say nay! I will not show you how to hack we will have to do it THE HARD WAY!" Gimpy said in his gimp like voice.   
  


JD then had an evil looking smirk on his face "So be it...I AM SHE-MAN! BY THE POWER OF MAGICAL STUFF I KICK ASS!" JD then turned into She-Man.   
  


"The Hell?!?" Gimpy said as he looked in horror at the half-man/half-woman thing standing infront of him. "Well my friend don't think that just because you became a woman-man type person doesn't mean im gonna show you how to hack..." Gimpy said.   
  


Just then Mump was heard screaming "AHHH NO!!! GIRLS HELP ME!!!! DON'T THEY KNOW IM A SUPER DUPER HOMO AND I SCREAM GAYYYYY EVERYTIME I DO SOMETHING?!?!"   
  


"See Gimpy...I also have mind tricks.....like JEDI! And if you don't I will do horrorific things to you" JD said now starting to get really pissed but horny for 2 reasons. 1.Gimpy had a poster of Obi-Wan that was really hot. And 2.It was JD's dream to be a chick.   
  


"If your really like a Jedi prove it.........AH NO.......Outside.....Oh God no...No..NOOOO! *achoo* *cough* make it stop please...I'll do anything!"   
  


"That's what I thought" JD said standing in a Jedi like pose. "First things first Gimp...Im really getting tired of seeing Britney Spears.....so what I want you to do is hack into her computer and......"   
  


" Make the computer crash causing her to catch fire and die a slow horible death?" Gimpy finished the sentence.   
  


"Oh you're good" JD added.   
  


*************************   
  


Female Josh frowned as she sat down only because Cal was eyeing Josh and she didn't really feel like that was cool. 

"No Cal, it's not gonna happen you will not seduce me with your Cal like glare. So just stop" Josh said calmly.   
  


And with that Cal went to the bath room and started to sing "You spin me right round baby right round like record bab..." " SHUT THE HELL UP CAL" Josh yelled. Josh was very bitchy right now 

[Must be that time of the month-JD]   
  


Cal came out of the bathroom and smiled. "Listen Josh Guy. I'm sorry. That wasn't actually my seduction glare. That was my sympathy glare."   
  


Josh looked confused. "What the hell guy!? They look the exact SAME!!!"   
  


************************   
  


Evan appeared in some random student's room. "Hey!! WOMAN!! GET OUT OF HERE!!!" He screamed in a Cartman accent. The stoned kid looked up from his bong and smiled.   
  


"You're one happy mushroom mister."   
  


Evan shook his head and evaporated the boy with a small chi blast. He then proceeded to evaporate everything in the room. Evan muttered about the hard work and pulled out his ideal room from his anime universe, complete with a weapon table, and a lock for his door... that happened to be linked to a 50 caliber machine gun that would fire if the wrong password was entered.   
  


"This looks peachy." He said as he hopped onto his water bed and flicked on the 50" Tv. A DVD started playing due to his magical influence and Evan watched the first four episodes of GTO.   
  


*************************   
  


Josh smiled she finally got out of Cal and Nitz's room for a while. She met up with JD moments later after she left. "Sup JD?" She asked nonchalantly.   
  


"Josh shrugged. I'm forcing Gimpy to do hacking for me."   
  


"Cool... want to turn into an Eva and rampage through towns?"   
  


"Yes...Yes I do."   
  


So they did.   
  


****************   
  


Evan flicked on the news after watching GTO, and realized that JD and Josh were having more fun then him.   
  


*Today the strangest event in all of this town's history has occurred. Two giant robots have begun rampaging random parts of the town there is no reason why these giant robots should be doing this... or even why they exist... in fact... why the hell am I existing? Why can you see me in your homes when I am miles away and safe from this travesty? You are probably all going to be squeeshed into little people pancakes! AND I'M GONNA LAUGH!!! CAUSE I'M A CRAZY MOTHER FUCKER!!! WHOOOO!!!! DIE BASTARD FACES!!! THIS IS FOR THELMA!!! LEAVE ME YOU BITCH!!! WELL AREN'T YOU GOING TO DIE SOMETHING FIERCE!!!!....* Evan flicked off the Tv.   
  


*Hmm... I think that man might have been crazy.... oh well. It's Eva time.* Evan walked out side of his dorm and pressed a button on his Eva armband. State U was totaled.... Except Cal and Evan's rooms... cause Evan spared them.   
  


"I AM THE WRATH OF GOD!!!" Evan screamed as he trashed more and more of the campus. "YOU SHALL ALL BURN!!!" He then pulled out an oversized flamethrower and began burning things randomly whilst tossing N2 mines at random countries. {You could get good distance with an Eva.} "THAT'LL TEACH YOU FOR BEING HUMAN!!!"   
  


Chaos ensued... and some where... sometime... a kitten cried... I'm not sure how or where or when... but it happened.   
  


Josh noticed Evan causeing massive destruction with his Eva and waved at him. "HEY EVAN!! WHAT'S UP!?!?"   
  


Evan smiled evilly. "I BURN THINGS!!!"   
  


"I HEAR THAT!!" JD said from not too far away. The three of them all then jumped up and high fived each other. Causing a level three rictor scale earthquake, and killed thousands of people, and destroyed several buildings.   
  


Evan looked down at his watch and shrugged. "It's almost time to go to the next universe." He said.   
  


"I thought we were staying longer." Josh said.   
  


Evan shrugged "Changed my mind."   
  


"Whoa! Where'd you get the EVA watch!?" JD asked.   
  


"Mail order from tokyo." Evan said. "We got about ten minutes."   
  


All of a sudden Godzilla appeared.   
  


Evan looked over at the giant reptile. "You guys thinking what I'm thinking."   
  


Josh raised an Eva eyebrow...thing... "If we were wouldn't we be clinically insane?"   
  


Evan nodded. "Yup. So then, you guys wanna go to the next universe without me? I've got an epic battle to take part in, and I'll get there in a bit."   
  


JD shrugged. "Whatever."   
  


Evan opened the portal and force pushed them both into it. "Ok Gorgira. I'ma gonna kick your ass!!!" Godzilla started to hump Evan's leg.   
  


"BOH GOB!!! THAT IS DISGUSTING!!!" Evan reached down to Godzilla's mouth and pryed it open... he then forced an N2 mine down the reptile's throat and ran like hell into the still open portal.   
  


It sploded good. It was messy.   
  


****************   
  


Milliardo Peacecraft sat back in the cockpit of Epyon. It was a beautiful machine, it's capabilities surpassed by none, but matched by his rival's Gundam, The Wing Zero. He knew that Heero would come to him, him and his army. But the army would be nothing compared to the might of Wing Zero, Milliardo knew that but he was willing to make that sacrifice. Any sacrifice was worth it if it meant that Earth, the home of his pathetic species, would be destroyed. Even now the Libra, the space station he currently was magnetized to, was prepared to fire it main weapon that had the power of twenty nuclear warheads. But even if the main gun didn't work, Milliardo could simply initiate the drop and the Libra would crash into the Earth like a meteor supposedly did so many years ago, destroying an equally malicious race.   
  


All of a sudden Milliardo's com crackled to life. "Sir. Three unidentified objects have appeared, leaving a massive energy signature that faded swiftly shortly after they appeared. They appear to be human shaped. We are awaiting your orders."   
  


Milliardo pondered this. "Hmm. One mobile suit with two dolls. Make it quick."   
  


"Yes sir."   
  


*What could this be?* Milliardo thought as he awaited his enemy.   
  


The com crackled again. "Sir, the target is three males. They do not have suits on or appear to be dangerous."   
  


"Of course they are not dangerous. If they aren't wearing some sort of protection they must be dead." Milliardo said with mild annoyance.   
  


"But sir, that is the thing. They appear to be mobile and all vital signs are perfect condition."   
  


"WHAT!?!" Milliardo screamed, losing his legendary calmness. "Capture them and bring them inside the Libra for questioning."   
  


"What about the Gundams?"   
  


"Are they here?"   
  


"No sir."   
  


"Then we don't have a problem yet. Bring the trio to me."   
  


*************   
  


A short time later inside of space station Libra. "Guys, we are in Gundam Wing." Evan said, running his left hand up and down his right Eva band.   
  


JD jumped up. "SWEET!! DUDE!! WHEN CAN WE SEE DEATHSYTHE!?!"   
  


Josh shrugged. "I have no idea." Josh looked up and noticed that they were in a big ass space station thing. "We could probably ask somebody in the space station."   
  


Evan smiled darkly. "Yeees!" Evan said evilly. "We could ask Mr Peacecraft..."   
  


Josh chimed in. "Or we could break stuff."   
  


Evan smiled and held up a finger. "My thoughts exactly!" He then charged up a chi blast and aimed it at the door in front of them, which opened revealing a red suited man with armed guards. The guards snapped into action. "Sir!! He appears to have energy weapons concealed on his body!! Should we nutra..." the blast that erupted from Evan's palms impacted with the speaking guard turning him into ash. The other guard fired twice, both shots finding their way into Evan's chest and deflecting of his adamantium rib cage.   
  


Evan smiled and a set of claws burst from his left knuckles. "Hey BUB. Wanna dance?" He said, badly impersonating Wolverine.   
  


All of a sudden Josh jumped up onto the ceiling and then dived down straight into the guards head with her fists, crushing him and sending him through the floor in a bloody heap of battered flesh and pureed bone.   
  


Milliardo pulled out a gun and pointed it back and forth between Josh and Evan. "WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE!? STAY BACK!!"   
  


Evan walked slowly up to the great pilot and pushed him against the sealed doors. He then popped two more claws from his right knuckles and pegged Milliardo to the wall in classic Wolverine tradition. "We aren't the tooth fairies. I'll tell you that much. But now it's my turn to ask a question I have always wanted to ask you."   
  


Milliardo began to sweat. "What! What do you want to know!?!"   
  


Evan smiled. "Why in the hell are you going to call yourself Wind in Endless Waltz!?! I mean come on!! WIND!!! GOD!!!"   
  


Milliardo sweated more. "I-I don't know what you are talking about!!!" Evan smiled broader and the third claw on his right hand burst forward impaling itself into the commander's Adam's apple. He bled to death in a few instants.   
  


"Ok, that's done with. Let's go get Gundams and kill shit."   
  


Josh and JD nodded and followed Evan through the halls of the space station. They all gasped at what they stumbled upon moments later.   
  


"WHAT THE HELL!?!!!??!!" Evan exclaimed.   
  


"THIS...CAN'T...BE!!!" Josh said.   
  


JD was silent. Gawking at the sign.   
  


"Starbucks... what the hell is a starbucks doing on the space station Libra?" Evan asked, he then walked in and bought a Mocha. He took a sip. "Interesting... space Mocha..."   
  


Josh ordered a cup of Chuppa. "Good Chuppa."   
  


JD was still in awe, or at least what the other two thought was awe. "Do you have coffee flavoured coffee?" JD asked.   
  


The girl behind the counter shook her head. "No! I'm afraid not."   
  


JD sighed. "Well I see the future has made no advances since we left."   
  


"Hear that!" Josh said.   
  


All of a sudden the Space Station began to ring with the sounds of battle.   
  


"ALL OFFICERS ON DECK!!! GUNDAMS ARE IN RANGE!!! COMMANDER PEACECRAFT TO COMMAND CENTER!!!" A PA system blared.   
  


Evan laughed, almost spilling his Mocha. "DON'T YOU KNOW I KILLED HIM!?!" He screamed to no one in particular.   
  


Josh did a little jig and then flared up his aura. "RAAAAAAGH!!!" Josh then shot a chi blast through the ceiling, opening the station up to the vacuum of space. He then turned into Eva unit two, after telling Evan and JD to do so as well.   
  


They all then became evas 01-03.   
  


"I suddenly made booster jets for all of our Evas!!" Evan stated. "Now we can fly through space!!"   
  


Josh smirked. "Let me guess... magic."   
  


"Y'all don't know ME!" he replied quite nonsensically.   
  


Evan spotted Gundam Wing Zero and locked his targeting system onto the pilot zone. He pulled out a regular pistol (This is for you Dude A) and fired a single shot, penetrating the layer of Gundanium and eviscerating the pilot inside as well as the Gundam. It floated off into space, nothing more than a decorative shell of what it once was.   
  


Duo stopped fighting for a breif second, the head of Deathsythe Hell cocked slightly to the left, the sensors picking up the shell of Wing Zero floating off into the vacuum of space. *Heero...* He thought, and began searching the hoard for his 'friend's' killer. Three strange looking Mobile Suits used their bosters to shoot up slightly and give each other a high five. A deafening scream of 'hear that' ran through all of the pilot's PA systems as well as the Space Station Libra. "Bastards." Duo said with a tinge of anger in his voice. He pushed forward on his controls and Deathsythe Hell plunged through the crowd of Mobile Suits, destroying many of his enemies on the way. He stopped in front of the trio and addressed the one carrying the still smoking pistol. "WHY!?! WHY DID YOU KILL HIM!?!"   
  


Evan and JD looked in awe at the newly arrived suit. "Whoa... it's death..." Josh cut them off by hacking into Deathsythe Hell with his vibro knife, over and over again until it is merely scraps. He then took a small piece of the scraps and located the pilot of the machine. He snagged Duo gently out of space and squinted as he pressed the sliver of metal into the pilot's rib cage and then flung him at breakneck speed into space.'   
  


"Correction..." Josh started as he turned to Evan and JD. "Dead." Josh then paused for a moment as he noticed the burning red auras emenating off of his two friends. "Uhhh was that a bad thing?"   
  


Eva unit 2 then flew through space towards the battling Gundams, impacting with Heavy arms... heavilly. {Shut up!} 

Josh shook his head and noticed the Gundam. *Kill shit?= oh yeah!* he thought to himself, before pulling out a Katana sized vibro knife and began hacking... again.   
  


Eva unit 01 shook his head. "What have I created?" He muttered as he spawned about fourty N2 mines and allowed them to drift into the battlefield, acting as proximity mines. Everything But Josh blowed up. Josh managed to see Evan let off the mines and instant transmissioned over to where he and JD were watching with oversized 3D glasses and a huge tub of EVA sized popcorn. "Mail order... don't ask..."   
  


"Riiiight!" Josh said before joining them. "Now how cool are explosions... really!?" He asked.   
  


Evan nodded.   
  


"I've found a new love!" JD said, with tears streaming from his Eva eyes.   
  


Evan turned around and looked at the only remaining thing in the current space besides them. Space Station Libra. "I'm going to complete Operation Meteor."   
  


Josh shrugged. "Ok whatever the hell you're talking about."   
  


Evan handed him a pair of 3D goggles. "Just watch." Evan then set to work. Adding many N2 Mines and a lot of cool booster things to Libra... as well as a small set of Teflon spikes... you know, the stuff they put on the front of Battle Bots. He then pointed to the Earth and slipped on his own pair of goggles. "This is going to be big."   
  


"And cool." JD added.   
  


Space Station Libra started to hurdle towards Earth at a near impossible speed.   
  


"Will it be cooler than Chuppa?" Josh inquired.   
  


Evan shrugged. "A little. What I did to Chuppa was cool... but I think it might pale in comparison to this next trick."   
  


"How many shades?"   
  


"About two."   
  


"Oh."   
  


Space Station Libra started to go through the Earth's atmosphere. Eva unit 01 smiled, proud of his latest work. "Here comes the boom."   
  


Jd smiled. "Ready or not."   
  


"Here comes the boys from the portal!" Josh finished.   
  


"Speaking of which. Once this goes boom, let's leave." Evan said. The others nodded as Libra crashed into the United States and obliterated everything. "SCREW YOU STARBUCKS!!!" Evan called into the blackness of space, watching the silent explosion as Earth imploded.   
  


The trio paused and watched the big kaboom. Then Evan spoke up. "Let's go. I'm bored." He then opened the portal and went through. JD and Josh followed as the human race's home was starting to dissipate into space dust.   
  


*********************   
  


Author's notes: {Well it's authors notes time again... and JD is not here... again. SUCKKER!!}   
  


(JERKASS!)   
  


{Well this chapter was fun huh kids? Random killing and the destruction of everyones favorite characters. The surprising thng is that we're actually going somewhere with this... how fucked up is that!? I'm sure anyone who is still reading this rubbish can agree with me. The next universe will be... different... to say the least. JD will get another power, and something will happen to Evan and me that changes our whole view on things.   
  


That and we're going to bring in Religion.}   
  


(What?)   
  


{Uhhh nothing.}   
  


(HE SAID RUBBISH!!)   
  


Morden Night :mordennight@hotmail.com 

mordennight.tripod.com   
  


(Yeah... rubbish.... Anywho, I'm an evil bastard who kills shit. I enjoy N2 mines... a little to much... anyway, JD is on a 'date' with a 'woman' who is 'hot' and 'nice'. What that translates to is he is trying to get laid by an ugly old lady who hates the world... and is a Nazi... maybe... but don't tell him I said that... and the coffee flavoured coffee thing is my joke...)   
  


{But I wrote it}   
  


(But I said it at Starbucks after I had a heart attack at Red Dragon!!)   
  


{It's true folks. He had a heart attack when the three of us went to see Red Dragon... yeah and they don't have coffee flavored coffee.}   
  


(IT'S A CONSPIRACY!!!)   
  


Evan McNeely: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com 

(and I got a website now... it's interesting.) Evan_m0.tripod.com   
  


[Hi, I could be JD. But I'm not... so there. Actually this is Evan... but I think I'm JD... but I'm not.]   
  


{Now when a seventeen year old kid has a heart attack let me ask you something... does that make sense?...........No. Ladies and gentlemen of the supposed jury it does NOT MAKE */-**__SENSE__**-/*!!!!!}   
  


Note super emphasis on "sense".   
  


TBC   
  


***************   
  


also TBC... {I know you hate me.} 


	22. Will you take the red pill? Or the bunny...

Check out the NEW Hotbot Tell me when this page is updated 

Self Insertion   
  


Chapter 22   
  


Will you take the red pill? Or the bunny? Look at the bunny.   
  


Evan, Josh and JD appeared in the middle of a common looking street, filled with common looking people. "What the hell is going on?" Evan asked, he then approached a passing old man. "What year is it!?!" The old man looked at the younger man and shook his head. "1999." He replied.   
  


""Gentlemen. We have gone back in time. The time machine I built in the sixties has brought us back to the time of wonders, 1999, If only I had realized that I could experience 1999 by not working on my machine and going outside then I wouldn't have to be working on a machine I had planned to bring me back to 1999 in 1960 through 1965 and then later during 1999 when I attempted to use it and it broke down my 1999 machine could not bring me to the time I was currently in and I needed to get there so desperately that I didn't go outside to experience the year I had wanted to visit on the year that it currently was and now currently is and I want to thank you for being my adoring fans." Evan breathed deeply and finish. "Thank you, and goodnight."   
  


Josh scratched his head. "What?"   
  


Evan shrugged. "It's 1999... or so says that old man who was walking down the street singing do wa diddy diddy dum diddy doo." Evan moved his fingers back and forth as he sang without feeling that classic tune.   
  


"And..."   
  


"I dunno? You think I have some sort of device that can tell us exactly which universe we are in!?!"   
  


Josh nodded.   
  


"Good instincts." Evan then pulled out said machine and checked it. "I can't read it. For some reason there is static... X..." Evan laughed at his own bad joke.   
  


Josh punched him in the gut.   
  


"You suck Josh." Evan groaned as he regained his wind.   
  


JD just watched. "Ok, so how do we figure out where we are?"   
  


Evan shrugged. "We could call out random anime and movie titles till somebody clues in." He suggested.   
  


So they did. After about an hour of screaming movie and anime names a strange bald black man walked up to them. Evan screamed out. "MATRIX!!!" The black man ducked for cover and grabbed onto JD.   
  


"Shut your friend up. He is drawing attention to you. Attention you don't want. I know that you are not from here, and so do they. I'm going to bring you to a safe house and you are going to tell me how you got here." He said, holding a Ingram to JD's head.   
  


Evan turned and saw the bald black dude in the trench coat. "Morpheus... I see I struck a chord when I screamed Matrix."   
  


Morpheus recoiled. "How do you know my name!?"   
  


Evan smiled and shook his finger. "Now _that_ is a secret."   
  


Morpheus turned the Ingram onto Evan. "Follow me." Evan shrugged.   
  


"Ok... but I'll take the Red Pill."   
  


"What? How did you know about the pills!?"   
  


Evan smiled again. "Secret."   
  


JD edged away from the crazy man with the gun and Josh just watched intently.   
  


"Umm Mr. Morpheus? Sir? I believe what my friend is trying to say is that we know everything." Josh said.   
  


"That is not possible." He said.   
  


"Well why the hell not!?!" JD spouted. He then shrank back in shame. "I'm sorry."\   
  


Josh smiled. "We're from another..."   
  


WHAP!! Evan put his hand over Joshes mouth... who just frowned with his eyes. "What he's trying to say." Evan began smiling to cover up Josh. "Is that..."   
  


"We're agents!" JD said!   
  


"SHUT UP DICK!!!"   
  


Morpheus pulled out a few guns and pointed them at the trio, panning back and forth. Evan smiled and flared his chi. "Look, Morphine... We have a tight schedule that I control and can bend to my will and we really don't have a schedule and I'm contradicting myself so that Josh can do something to diffuse the situation before I kill you and I really don't want to..." Josh interrupted him.   
  


There was a sudden ring of a telephone. JD smiled. "I'll get it." Morpheus didn't seem to notice as the teen grabbed the payphone receiver and then disappeared.   
  


"Oh shit!" Josh and Evan said.   
  


"That means they must have our bodies on board their ship... or something really strange is going on... Maybe it's the whole mirror thing but with phones... but different and cool... but I wanted to go into a mirror!" Evan then walked over to the payphone and cheerfully exclaimed. "I'm next!"   
  


Josh then shot the phone with a chi bolt, destroying it. "That's probably not a good idea."   
  


"AAAAAAHHH!" Evan wailed. "YOU FUCKER!!!"   
  


Josh then punched him in the face rendering him unconscious. "Ahhhh that'll stop the ranting at least." He then sighed. "And I hoped that he'd gotten over that habit."   
  


Morpheus turned his attention away from the two... uh morons and listened intently to Tank over the cell phone . "Sir we've got another person awoken in sector zero five niner. It just showed up randomly on our sensors... should we find it?"   
  


"Yes. He'll be very weak and won't be able to fight in that condition. I want to have a word with him, open up another line and direct me to it, I'll be there in a bit." Morpheus said. Tank nodded in the real life of that universe and punched in the coordinates. Morpheus then slipped away.   
  


Josh followed via web-line, Morpheus had NO idea that he was being followed.   
  


******************   
  


Josh Devan awoke with a start, fully submersed in a sickly thick orange liquid. He quickly shot upright and gasped for breath, realizing that it hurt to breath, and move, and see! His vision was painfully blurred due to the fact that this was the first time that he'd ever used them in his life. Or at least he'd never used them in this life. Just then a bright white light shone on him and he cringed back in fear of the unknown thing before him. He stumbled back in the thing and grabbed onto the side, of the tub thing he was in, his wings and naked body brushing up against the several odd wires that had been popped off of him once he awoke.   
  


The floor of the tub he was in suddenly opened up and all the liquid drained out. JD struggled to hold onto the side but was saved from the strenuous task when a few pair of arms hoisted him onto a flat mettle surface. JD's senses shut down just after a voice was heard above his sprawled naked form. "What are you?" it said just before he blacked out.   
  


******************   
  


JD awoke later on in a haze. There was very dim lights on around him and he squinted to let his eyes adjust. "My eyes hurt so much." He said. Putting up a hand to shield them some more.   
  


"That's because you've never used them before." Came a deep voice from nearby. Josh scrambled back a little bit and his eyes finally started to adjust and he could see that it was an African American man sitting on a chair nearby.   
  


"Morpheus?" He asked. "What's going on? I blacked out after I answered the phone and then..." Realization clued in on JD and he smiled. "I just woke up in my real body right?" He said.   
  


"Yes." Morpheus said. "Though one thing about you has seriously roused my curiosity." He said leaning forward.   
  


JD's eyes were now fully adjusted to his new body and surroundings. "What? I'm not the one... Neo is... why are you interested in me?"   
  


Morpheus paused and then stood up. "You knew what the matrix was... when you answered the phone you awoke in your real body. What intrigued me when we picked you up... was that you had wings." Morpheus stared intently at JD looking for a reaction.   
  


"Yeah so?" JD looked at his back and noticed that the wings were still there as usual. "I've had these for a while now."   
  


"What?" Morpheus said. Surprised at the boys nonchalant reaction to such an odd and unnatural deformity.   
  


"Holy CRAP!!" JD stated. "I lost, like, ALL my body fat!" JD felt around his lightly clothed body and smiled he entire time. "Take that ab master!" He stated as he stood up.   
  


He fell down just as quickly, but Morpheus caught him. "Careful... You've never used your legs before either. They're quite weak, you'll need to build up your strength a bit before you can walk."   
  


Josh just nodded, chuckling to himself about the wonderful perks of being in the Matrix universe.   
  


*****************   
  


Josh frowned as he set Evan down roughly on the floor of the room they were currently in. He just stared at the phone that was hanging off the hook beeping. This had been the phone that Morpheus had answered earlier on, taking him out of the matrix. "This doesn't make a whole lot of sense." Josh mused as he hung up the phone. "We're flesh and blood human beings yet we are existing in a existing somehow in a computer program."   
  


Josh looked down at Evan and frowned. "This can't be a good thing for you Evan... you're mostly machine now because of the growing number of nanites in your body." Josh sat down on a nearby chair and frowned. "I just hope JD got out okay."   
  


A little old woman poked her head up from behind a nearby couch. "Are you here to rob me?" She asked fearful of the two menacing looking men.   
  


Josh smiled and shook his head. "I'm sorry ma'am no. I didn't mean to startle you any. I'll leave in just a moment... Do you have anything to eat?"   
  


*****************   
  


Josh and Evan frowned as they walked down the streets of the Matrix in the large city. "So..." Evan began... "Can we kill people?" He asked.   
  


"No..." Josh said. "We'll have to put off a comical massacre of digital people until after we've found JD. I figure that the best way to do this would be to find Neo and then eventually Morpheus will come for him."   
  


"How do we know he hasn't already found Neo."   
  


"I was watching him while he was talking on the phone with Tank. They'd found JD miraculously, and if he'd found Neo he'd be with him right now." Josh reasoned.   
  


Evan just looked at a vendor stupidly. "It's really tempting to turn into an Eva right now and squeesh that crowd of people over there." He said, pointing at a crowd of business men and women walking to and fro. {Heh, fro.}   
  


"Be strong dipshit." Josh said. "I figure, we find Neo, we become friends with Neo, we help Neo, we find Morpheus, Morpheus helps us get out of the matrix, we get Josh, we go to more stable universe." Josh smiled. "It's as simple a one two and three."   
  


"That's a lot of steps." Evan mused. Couldn't we just find some agents, kill them, and then kill everything else we see?"   
  


Josh looked at him like he was a complete idiot. "We could, and it'd be fun, but.......then........shut up, my plans better."   
  


"Yeah but..."   
  


"MY PLAN!!!"   
  


Evan frowned. A tear welled up in his eye and he sniffed. "You... You're mean!"   
  


Josh shrugged and continued to walk at his fast pace. A car splashed him as it ran over a puddle and Josh frowned as he turned into his girl form. Josh was used to it by now and didn't mind his feminine form in the least any more. She was just pissed off because she was wet. "Oh you gonna die bitch!" She said before shooting up a web-line at a nearby building and chasing after the car through the city. She landed on the car and then punched through the roof, killing the driver with her fist, killing him instantly and sending the car careening towards some other vehicles, starting a pile up.   
  


Josh got out of sight and joined Evan walking a moment later, wiping the blood off of her hand with a towel she stole off an old lady. "I thought you said..."   
  


"She started it." Josh said. "Now lets go steal a house to live in until we find Morpheus." She said calmly.   
  


**************   
  


John Anderson frowned as he sat in his cubicle at work, he had just been reprimanded by his boss about being late for work. The boss thought it was because he was a rebellious man who had no regard for work... in a way this was true, but the truth in this instance was that he had a really rough night the other day. He was contacted by a woman the other night and warned... it confused him yet intrigued him far more at the same time... she was affiliated with the rebellious and mysterious hacker Morpheus, the man whom he'd been searching for, for a long time.   
  


Just then in the middle of his thoughts there was a break in the monotony in the form of his cellular phone ringing. He picked it up and answered it. "Hello?" He said suspiciously, not knowing who would possibly be calling him during work.   
  


Just then, before the person on the other line could answer somebody snatched the phone from him, and crushed it in her hand as though it were nothing more than a candy bar wrapper. "That call was not important." The girl said. She was blonde and looked to be about twenty years old or so and was very beautiful without even trying to be so. She wore a long leather trench coat, and a kevlar vest that had very intricately designed buckles. "You're in danger." She said.   
  


"Who the hell are you?" John asked. "Why did you just break my damn cell phone?"   
  


Josh pointed a gun at him which she pulled out from beneath her coat. "Do not get up out of your chair Neo." John put his hands up slightly to signal defeat and submission in exchange for his life, which he was sure she would take if he did not do as she said.   
  


"What do you want?" John asked. "How do you know that name?"   
  


"I know the name because I know more about you than even you do. As for your first question... I want you to come with me." Josh then grabbed Neo with one hand and then instant transmissioned to the roof of the building.   
  


Neo fell to the ground and noticed that they had just suddenly appeared on the roof. "Wh... What did you just do?" He asked fearful of the strange girl's power.   
  


"I've just delivered you into the hands of the man you've been looking for, for as long as you've been a hacker." She responded. Neo then looked over his shoulder and noticed the man known as Morpheus standing a few yards away. He was exactly as he had seen on the net, a long black leather cloak, and sun glasses with reflective lenses and no arms to hook onto his ears.   
  


"Hello Neo." He started as he walked forward. "I was afraid that an agent had gotten to you when our line was broken. Instead you appear out of thin air right where I wanted you. This mysterious woman is certainly a welcome enigma."   
  


"Morpheus?" Neo stated as if not believing what was currently going on. "Who... What the hell just happened?"   
  


Josh smiled. "Morpheus... you currently have a friend of mine on your ship, the Nebuchadnezzar. His name is JD." She said.   
  


"Ahh." Morpheus started. "The strange young man with the wings. I don't recall ever seeing you with him in our first meeting in the matrix."   
  


"I was there... right under your nose...though I take many forms. Actually I only take two." Josh said. She then regained her composure and smiled. "Me and my friend want out of the Matrix, though not in the way you would imagine. I want through the phone and then be immediately picked up by the Nebuchadnezzar. Once through we will bother you no longer."   
  


"Why not help us against the machines?" Morpheus asked. "From what I've seen from you, you have great control over the manipulation of the matrix. You're causing glitches and starting viruses just by being here."   
  


"Cool." Josh said.   
  


"HEY!" Neo said, gaining the two people's attention. "Can SOMEBODY tell me WHAT is going ON HERE!?"   
  


Morpheus smiled.   
  


*****************   
  


Evan had left where ever the hell he had been to go get rather pasted. He had created a large hole in the pavement where he had once been and guessed that Josh had thrown or punched him from a height that was quite high. "Hmm... Josh is right I am more machine now. I can barely feel the large gashes on my forehead and legs... Oops, nanites healed them. No more complaining about them." Evan powered up to Super Saiyan for reasons unknown even to him and walked around making people fly across the street due to his massive aura. "heh. Chaos is cool." A few men dressed in brown suits started to move through the tossed about crowd and confronted Evan.   
  


"That is the guy causing the glitches. Fire at will." One of them said in complete monotone.   
  


Evan looked at the Agents and laughed. They fired a clip each, all of the bullets disappearing into his aura. Evan smiled oddly and drew forth a Sherman tank from nowhere and hopped in. He ran the agents over who couldn't run fast enough due to the hyper space boosters Evan had magically attached to his tank. Evan was really, really shaken up when he stopped the tank, picked it up in one hand and made it disappear, much to the amazement of the survivors of his senseless attack. (What other type of attack do I have?) "Whoa, that was a hardcore ride! I must recommend it!" Evan spotted a few people turning into Agents and swiftly flew up to the top of a nearby building He smiled down on them and the Agents rushed into the building. Evan skipped around and did a small Jig before transforming into an Eva and destroying all life inside of the building. "DEATH TO THE AGENTS!!!" Eva Evan screamed, his mouth restraints breaking off. Evan spotted more transforming Agents and picked them up along with a small portion of a large crowd. "GERMAN SUPLEX!!!" He screamed as he fell backwards onto another building, destroying all life inside.   
  


Just then, Eva Josh rushed to the scene. "Evan!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?!"   
  


Evan looked at the blood and guts covering his hands and shrugged. "I dunno. Killing agents. And a lot of 'possible agents' or potential killers if you will."   
  


Josh glared at him hardcore. "Evan turn back into human form!" Evan did so and then Josh grabbed him and instant transmissioned to where Morpheus and Neo were waiting for A-poc, switch, and Trinity underneath a bridge. Morpheus's phone rang. He picked it up and listened for a bit.   
  


"Ok..... Really? Whoa...." Morpheus hung up his cell phone and slipped it into his trench coat. He turned to Josh. "Your friend has caused a minor power failure in the matrix and some portions of this city may shut down. What was he doing when you found him?"   
  


Josh shrugged. "Ask him yourself."   
  


Morpheus turned to Evan, who had summoned a miniature X-wing and TIE fighter and had them firing working laser and torpedoes at each other. "Huh... oh. I was just protecting the innocent and shit."   
  


Josh kicked Evan in the ribs because the nuts were covered. "The truth Evan."   
  


Evan smiled and created a magical barrier between himself and Josh. "I'm telling the truth. Nobody is innocent in my eyes."   
  


Josh glared at Evan and turned back to Morpheus. "Basically he turned into a giant robot and massacred as many Agents and people as he possibly could."   
  


Evan nodded silently.   
  


Josh continued. "Normally I'd join him but I need to get out of the matrix... and so does he... I've told him already not to do shit like this right now... but as you can see he's an ass hole."   
  


Morpheus just nodded and stared at Josh in awe at his story.   
  


Evan un-summoned the two ships and looked at Morpheus. "I'm a machine."   
  


Morpheus looked at Evan and then Josh. Josh nodded. "He is actually a machine. Mostly. He had nanites implanted in him and they have created enough of themselves that he probably doesn't even need his blood to live."   
  


Evan smiled. "But I love my blood!! Ahh... the good old days." Evan slipped into a memory for a second.   
  


Josh shook his head. "Yeah, when you were a Vampire and massacred people so you could eat them!"   
  


Evan smiled. "I killed a lot of people... I've still got my Vampiric urges to kill you know."   
  


Josh shook his head slowly. "Yeah, he's a sick piece of shit because of it."   
  


Morpheus nodded. "I'm seeing that." Evan then started to hum a happy tune and then the car showed up containing the rest of the Matrix 'clique'.   
  


The group all piled into the car and they drove off to the safe house.   
  


***************   
  


Morpheus held out two pills to both Evan and Josh, both of them red. "Take them. You probably know this whole speech." The pair nodded and swallowed the pills and then walked calmly to a mirror. Josh touched it first and after he had been pulled though Evan did. They woke up in pods side by side. Evan looked groggily at Josh who was feeling rather disorientated. Evan's nanites kept him from feeling the effects of the transference of realities.   
  


Kasumi entered the Matrix reality using the Nanban mirror and noticed Josh and Evan disappearing. "What's going on?" She asked startling everyone there.   
  


Morpheus was sitting in the chair with a red pill and a blue pill held out before Neo. "They took the red pill and departed to the real world." He said. Kasumi extended a symbiote strand and grabbed the red pill that he was holding. She then waited and was a little confused when A-poc hooked up some wires to her. She then touched the mirror out of curiosity and left the Matrix.   
  


*************   
  


"DAMN IT!!" Josh screamed in pain as a machine ripped the plug from the back of his head.   
  


Evan pulled his out with little more than a grimace. "What? Does it hurt Josh-chan? Or should I say Joshikins whilst thou art in a weakened state?"   
  


Josh flared his aura and his muscles started to rebuild as he subconsciously activated the Kaio Ken technique. Evan smiled and activated his magical field. "No touchy."   
  


Josh just shrugged and zoomed towards the Nebuchanezzar which was over in the distance. Josh opened up the hatch and entered. Evan had to wait.   
  


Kasumi awoke in the same groggy state as Neo did they were a little ways away so the ship had to do a little driving. They picked up Neo and Kasumi in a short period of time.   
  


Evan wandered aimlessly as usual until he found the place of eating. His stomach grumbled as he had been fed through some weird ass AI feeding machine thingy. He shrugged and wandered some more until he found JD who was eating slop.   
  


"EVAN!? WHOA DUDE!! BOH GOB!!!" JD screamed as he took a break from his slop.   
  


Evan looked his friend over. "Dude... your all thin and shit. What happened there?"   
  


JD shrugged. "I dunno." JD then took a slurp of his ... warm, pasty ,clear, white cream, which looked like tapioca soaked in Man juice. "I just woke up from the Matrix with no body fat."   
  


"And wings." Cypher added.   
  


Josh growled and jumped over the table bludgeoning Cypher with his fists. "That's it! I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE!!!" Cypher's corpse was unrecognizable.   
  


They all pulled out weapons of the knife variety from under their shirts and pointed them at Josh. "HEY!!" Trinity said.   
  


Josh just sat down and ate his...yeah. "Oh settle down everybody." Josh said. "Cypher was just going to kill Switch, Dozer, Apoc, and Mouse anyway."   
  


"What?" Morpheus added.   
  


Josh rolled his eyes and shrugged. "Actually Mouse was going to die by Agents. But nonetheless."   
  


"Could have saved some for me!" Evan pouted.   
  


The Matrix clique looked at each other seeming skeptical. "How can we trust you?"   
  


Evan smiled. "He killed the killer... but that leaves an empty space in this crazy ship." Josh glared at Evan.   
  


"No Evan." Evan looked sad.   
  


"Please?" He pleaded.   
  


"No." said JD whoa hasn't said much.   
  


Josh turned and nodded to JD. He turned back around and all of the people Cypher would have killed lay crippled on the floor with random bits of utensils sticking from all areas of their bodies. They weren't dead though. "Wasn't me." Evan said looking innocent.   
  


***********   
  


A long time later (aka a heinous skip) Josh, Evan, and the Matrix clique walked into an abandoned building for some odd reason... or rescue Morpheus, which ever makes the most sense to you. Morpheus had been captured and I am repeating myself for no reason other than to humor you. Josh and Evan entered first through the metal detector. Josh passed through easily whilst Evan's nanites sent the thing into a freaking fit. "WHAT!! CAN'T A GUY HAVE LOWER MECHANICAL LIFE FORMS IN HIS BODY AND NOT HAVE A METAL DETECTOR MAKE HIS DAY FEEL BLURRY AND WEIRD!?!" Josh then killed all the guards while Evan held the enthralled at his stupid comment.   
  


The Matrix clique passed into the building easily... aka Neo and Trinity because the rest were all crippled and had random utensils sticking from their bodies back in the real world. "I want to be a reeeeaaaall boy." Evan said in a stupid high pitched voice.   
  


Neo and Trinity glared at him evilly then turned to Josh. "What the hell is your friend doing?"   
  


Josh shrugged and continued to head into the elevator.   
  


Evan followed suit. Neo and Trinity followed as well and Evan stopped in front of them and did a really gay jig... then continued into the elevator. They set the bomb and went up to the roof. When they entered the elevator Evan was jigging again. Neo and Trinity frowned. "Why is he doing that."   
  


Josh looked sympathetic. "Try to ignore him, his stupidity tends to be contagious."   
  


Evan smiled wider than he should be physically able to and jigged faster than Neo and Trinity could follow. Josh yanked the computer keyboard from Evan. {on with the story} Josh, Neo, and Trinity ran towards all the swat team peeps on the roof and killed them all in a cool Matrix style. Evan jigged on the corpses.   
  


Just then an Agent appeared and Neo shot a bunch of times at him till he was out of ammo. The Agent dodged every bullet and then pointed his own gun at him. Neo dropped his empty guns. "TRINITY!!" He yelled. "HELP!" The Agent then took a shot at him, the scene went into slow motion and he fell back dodging the bullet.   
  


Before the Agent could take another shot Josh was on him like a Chinese man to a bag of rice. Josh beat him to bloody pulp using Spider Saiyan amaguriken. He then stood above the corpse which turned back into a normal SWAT person. Josh smirked. "Heh, poo on you."   
  


Josh then pooed on him.   
  


Trinity looked on in disgust. "What is wrong with these people?" she muttered out loud.   
  


Evan jigged on the poo. "It's only digital poo!" He said to Neo, who just walked away. "THERE IS NO POO NEO!!! THERE IS _NO_ _POO_!!!"   
  


Neo continued to walk to the helicopter. He grabbed his cell phone and dial Tank up. "Tank there is a Helicopter and I need to pilot it."   
  


"THERE IS NO HELICOPTER NEO!!!!THERE IS _NO_ _HELICOPTER_!!!" Evan screamed as he jigged on top of the chopper.   
  


Josh instant transmissioned, punched Evan, grabbed Evan, and then Instant Transmissioned away. Trinity and Neo went away.   
  


In an interrogation room. Josh and Evan appeared. Morpheus was sitting in a chair being talked to by an Agent. Josh ripped the agent's head off and grabbed Morpheus. He then instant transmissioned to a random apartment. Josh opened up a cell phone and smiled. "Tank I need an exit." He said. Josh, Evan and Morpheus then went to where they needed to go. There was another old lady where they appeared and she destroyed the phone once they all disappeared out of fear.   
  


Josh, Morpheus, and Evan waited on the Nebuchanezzar for Trinity and Neo, who would probably go through the usual crap. Josh smiled. "Those squidieeees should be coming around about now."   
  


BOOP BOOP BOOP!   
  


"Oh no!" Tank said.   
  


"Squidies!" Morpheus seconded.   
  


Evan forced his nanites to get a sample of his mutant gene that Apocalypse had placed in him and created a small needle. He handed this to Josh and said. "They are going to use the EMP and I'm going to die hardcore. I'm prepping my soul to be able to transfer into another person in the next universe and then inject that needle thingie into me. That way I can figure out what power Apocalypse tried to give me... I haven't needed it."   
  


Josh nodded and put the needle into a pocket... universe... cause he has had sex with an Anime character and deems that he is worthy of one.   
  


The squidies came along and Morpheus was forced to hit the EMP, Neo lived, Trinity Lived and Evan died after opening the portal to the next Universe. Kasumi, JD, and Josh entered the portal carrying Evan's spasming corpse with them.   
  


****************   
  


Author's notes: {Oh that was a surprise ending now wasn't it!?!? Bet you never thought We'd have Evan killed did yah!? Yeah well Evan farted so I'll leave the rest of the author's notes up to him. I'm out of here}   
  


(It is sad but true. I am a stinky bastard. Anywho I'm good and dead. SO yeah... um that covers it for me... read my other story in the hosted section... the undead protocols... umm... the smell is dissipating... )   
  


[Hi I could be Josh Devan and I didn't even write any of this chapter. In fact I wasn't even here!! WOW I'm A BASTARD!!]   
  


(Does anybody remember Paul? Yeah... He didn't write enough so Rain kicked his half Namekian ass. I sense some deja vu If JD doesn't get his act together.)   
  


Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com 

mordennight.tripod.com   
  


Evan McNeely: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com 

evan_m0.tripod.com   
  


Josh Devan: seifer2@hotmail.com   
  


Next chapter: WE WILL WRITE A STORY ABOUT US GOING INTO A NEW UNIVERSE!!!! THAT'S A CHANGe FROM THE EveRYDAY!!!   
  


{Alcohol's kicking in eh Evan?}   
  


(Isss sOosoOOO WAStredddd!!! BOH GOB!!)   
  


TBC 


	23. Welcome, Young Elf, To Middle Earth

Check out the NEW Hotbot Tell me when this page is updated 

Self Insertion   
  


Chapter 23   
  


Welcome, Young Elf, To Middle Earth.   
  


Josh, JD, Kasumi, and Evan landed in a shady well wooded area in the next dimension. Evan immediately dropped to the ground convulsing his flesh began to peel off of his body, and he bled profusely. Josh, and JD watched in horror as this happened. It was truly gruesome. Kasumi was looking the other way so that she would not have to see the horrible scene. Josh and JD stepped back as Evan's body stopped and all that was left was an adamantium skeleton. Kasumi lurched forward and threw up on the ground.   
  


Josh frowned and knelt down in front of her JD just stood where he was, looking at the adamantium corpse. "Hey... It's all right. I'm sure that's not the last we'll see of him. Evan seems to be able to find a way to survive.   
  


"It's just..." Kasumi started. "He was your friend... and in a way... mine too."   
  


Josh hugged her and then they pulled back and kissed. Kasumi's eyes suddenly flared open and she tried to shove Josh violently backwards. Josh, due to his massive strength, didn't budge and Kasumi was, in turn, sent flying backwards, landing on her behind. Josh was notably surprised, and this event in turn took JD out of his shock enough to look over at the wife of his best friend who was suddenly acting very weird.   
  


"WHY THE HELL WERE YOU KISSING ME!?!?!" Kasumi screamed.   
  


"Kasumi?" Josh asked confused. "What's going on? I thought... what's going on?"   
  


JD poked her with his wing... "Yeah she's real." He said.   
  


Kasumi jumped up and uppercut JD due to the fact that he poked her in her special chest area. "FUCK OFF! I AIN'T GAY!!"   
  


Josh stepped forward and grabbed Kasumi's shoulders. "Kasumi, why are you acting like this all of a sudden? You don't have the symbiote anymore... this isn't you, it's more like... like..."   
  


"Like Evan? CAUSE THAT'S WHO I AM FUCKFACE!!!"   
  


"Evan?" JD said as Josh just stared in a stupified shock. "I thought you just died."   
  


"YEAH WELL SUCKS TO YOUR ASSMAR ASS HAND!!" Evan/Kasumi then mimicked his last insult by making a gesture to signify a hand coming out of her ass.   
  


Josh frowned slightly... he then became infuriated and powered up to Super Saiyan level 5. His eyes became red as he powered up to a level of power that just shouldn't exist. "GET OUT OF MY WIFE!!!!" He screamed infuriated at his best friends intrusion of his beloved's body.   
  


Kasumi waved her hands in front of her to difuse the situation, then thought better of it and gave Josh the finger. "Fuck you. I don't want to be in this body any more than you want me to be in... sides, you can't hurt me without hurting or killing your wife... I can easily push her soul into the 'foreground' of the body to take anything you throw at me. And I know you won't let JD do anything to me in this form either... Fuckface.... Whoa, that sounds weird coming from Kasumi's mouth... Anywho, let's find me a cool body so I can give you back your wife. And don't even think of trying to knock me up or I'll personally remove your balls!!... ugh, she has a lot of estrogen... it feels weird. Especially that whole no slong thing..." Kasumi said as she sat down on a nearby rock. "Anybody know where the hell we are. I lost my pocket universe when normal me died."   
  


Josh looked around. "Um... it looks like a normal forest... nothing that would point out any anime or movie... I don't think there is any comic related stuff around here either."   
  


JD nodded, confirming Josh's thoughts. "I suppose I could fly around and look for something... And you guys could attempt to figure something out about the whole wife thing." JD didn't wait for an answer, he was too anxious to get the _hell_ out of there. *That is some creepy ass shit!* He thought as he flew around aimlessly.   
  


Kasumi smiled a very Evan-like smile. This unnerved Josh who had powered down, back to normal. "Evan. Why did you pick Kasumi? Why didn't you invade JD's body?"   
  


Kasumi's smile grew. "Because she has no defense against me. Unbeknownst to you, you have a minor magical resistance that I foolishly placed there, JD has the same deal as you. I could have wandered around as a spirt, but I chose to take on a physical form. Kasumi's was the nearest available so my spell auto-selected her. Like I said, sorry about this, but it was the only way with out traveling for some undefined distance as a soul. That would involve work... but like I said, find me a cool body and you get your wife back... till then I'll do really crazy things as Kasumi... like lesbionic sex!!!"   
  


Josh frowned. "No you won't, because I will kill you the moment you get a new body if you do."   
  


Evan frowned. "DAMN!!!"   
  


Josh grabbed the frown Of Kasumi's shirt and shook her a little, knowing damn well that it was still Evan. "Put Kasumi to the front now." He said. Kasumi shrugged.   
  


"Josh?" She asked.   
  


"Kasumi?" Josh asked. "Is that really you or is it still Evan?"   
  


Kasumi smiled her # 26. "It's me sweety." she said caressing his face. She then made a surprised look. "I sure learned a lot in the last minute. Who knew that I could do all that?" Her expression then changed completely and she stepped back. "I'M HUNGRY!!"   
  


"Stop it Evan."   
  


"Yes please." Kasumi repeated. "That does get woozy, when you take over like that." Evan took over again. "Yeah so?" He then gave it back to Kasumi. She held her head. "Woah."   
  


"Hey Evan." Josh said. "I'm pretty sure that since you're sharing the same body you could probably communicate just by thinking to each other." He suggested.   
  


Kasumi went cross eyed. "I guess that could work." Kasumi then began to think. *Hey Evan? Do you copy?*   
  


Evan in the mind of Kasumi replied. *Ten four best friend's wife.*   
  


Kasumi smiled at Josh. "Yup it works."   
  


It then began to rain. Josh frowned. "Ah crap! We better find a place to rest soon." She said, the curse changing his sex from male to female. JD then landed back down in the clearing. "Hey guys... There's a little town nearby. Everyone speaks English so there won't be any trouble."   
  


"But we're poor." Kasumi said innocently.   
  


Josh smiled. "But I'm nigh invulnerable."   
  


Evan took over. "Don't even attempt to be the tick. But anyway, I have an easier way. We find out which universe this is in and I create a bitch load of their money via magic. No fighting involved and we can simply go on our way."   
  


Josh nodded. "Reasonable... actually, that is the first non-violent suggestion I've heard from you!"   
  


Evan stopped in Kasumi's tracks. "Woah... you're right... we'd better do plan A."   
  


Josh rolled her eyes.   
  


Kasumi took over. "That's not very nice Josh, I think we should pick pocket...just a little of course... then we can duplicate it through our magical skills and create the proper amount to stay at an inn."   
  


Evan took over again. "Shut up ho!!! It is _NOT_ Your magical powers!! MINE!!! BITCH!!!!"   
  


"HEY!!" Josh said, pointing at Kasumi's face. "Don't Talk about... you... that way..." Josh then thrust her pointed finger forward again in a weak attempt to seem angry again.   
  


"Aww, can't stay mad at me snoochie?" Evan asked through a stupid sounding version of Kasumi's voice.   
  


Kasumi took over. "Actually... they are my powers too. The moment you entered my body I learned everything you know."   
  


Evan took over. "Actually If you can use your new 'magical powers' to sense that lovely default spell I cast upon entering your body, you will not remember anything from this little 'experience'."   
  


Kasumi frowned... "That doesn't make any sense."   
  


Evan again. "Yeah whatever... Speaking of whatever where'd my mutant power!?!?" He said glaring at Josh.   
  


Josh frowned. "Why should I give it to you? You took over my wife's body!"   
  


Kasumi took control of her body and moved in closer to Josh. "Sweety it's only fair... You did say you would once we got here... He's your best friend."   
  


Joshes frown weakened. "Yeah! Well... I don't WANNA!!"   
  


Kasumi traced her finger on Joshes chest, which was female at the moment, and pouted. "Pwease shnoockums?" She asked.   
  


Joshes frown turned into a smile, "Oh all right." She then pulled out the needle holding the latent mutant gene and handed it to her.   
  


Kasumi injected herself and her eyes flickered to black for a quick second as Evan set to work duplicating and attaching it to every cell in her body. Once her eyes turned back to normal she smiled, Evan currently in control. "It's done... But I still don't know what the hell it is... Time for a test run!"   
  


Kasumi Evan shot her arms forward... and nothing happened. Evan looked down at herself and grabbed her chest. "SWEET! I GREW BOOBS!!"   
  


Kasumi then took control. "AAAH!! STOP THAT!" She then slapped herself, Evan's consciousness receiving the feelings of pain. Evan took control and then crossed her arms as they continued to walk towards the town at which they were to stay at during their stay at this universe.   
  


"Hey Evan?" Josh asked his wife possessor. "Why don't we slide until we find a recognizable body you can abduct?" 

Evan frowned. "I predicted all this would happen once I realized we'd gone to the Matrix. "However the next time we slide, the body I'm inhabiting will become mine permanently and the previous consciousness inhabiting it will die immediately. Therefore we have to find a good body before we slide."   
  


"Oh."   
  


"There it is." JD said, pointing to the town that was just up ahead. "There's an inn in the middle of town."   
  


Josh nodded to his friend in thanks.   
  


"Oh by the way." Evan said in Kasumi's body. "I no longer have a sliding device."   
  


Everyone stopped in their tracks and glared at Her. "WHAT!?" Josh and JD growled. Kasumi saying the same thing inside her head to the boy.   
  


Evan put up Kasumi's hands and smiled nervously. "Now hold on a sec! All I gotta do is find some metal parts and materials then I could create... Oh wait never mind I can just summon one." She did so and smiled. Josh and JD sighed in relief. Evan looked at the hand held device and frowned. "AH CRAP!!"   
  


"WHAT!?" Josh said. "What's wrong!?"   
  


Evan held up the sliding device. "The new ones timed, we have to wait until specified times before sliding again."   
  


"Oh this sucks a lot!" JD said. "How long are we going to have to stay in this one?"   
  


Evan showed them the timer. The blue timer numbers read 0y 4m 21d. "Four months and 21 days eh?" Josh said, reading the thing out loud while stroking his goatee. "That sucks..."   
  


"Hey." Evan in Kasumi's body said. "It's better than some of the other times."   
  


"True." Josh said. "Now lets get out of this rain... I'm cold."   
  


******************   
  


The three weary travelers entered an inn soon after. "How are we going to get this room again?" Josh asked The Evan possessed Kasumi.   
  


Kasumi smiled evilly. "I'll work on the guy who runs the place... I have to test something in this body..."   
  


Josh frowned. "NO SEXING MY WIFE WITH OTHER MEN EVAN!!!"   
  


Kasumi smiled. "Ok... *cough*"   
  


Josh frowned bigger. "WHAT WAS THAT COUGH FOR!?!"   
  


Kasumi shrugged and went to the front and started to seduce the manager of the Sucking Fish Inn. Within minutes Kasumi/Evan had the manager in a back room. Josh glared at the door that Kasumi had entered until there was a loud scream of what seemed to be excruciating pain. Evan walked out, looking like he did in his old body. "Hey Josh. Where'd Kasumi go?"   
  


Josh frowned and glared at the supposedly dead Evan. "I don't know Evan." He growled. "Where'd Kasumi go?"   
  


Evan shrugged. "Oh and we have a room... and the manager has no nuts... See Kasumi has this ability to transform by summoning a form from a shadow rift in her consciousness. Anything We can imagine we can become. I became a big naked man orc and hoofed the manager in da NUUTS!!!"   
  


Josh grimaced as Evan said nuts and looked away. "That is truly disturbing Evan."   
  


Kasumi took over the body for a moment and turned back into her normal body. "That wasn't very nice of Evan." She said. "But at least we'll have a room so we could get all cozy." She said, the last part she stood close to Josh and twirled her finger in her husband's currently female chest.   
  


Took over suddenly and moved away quickly. "I made sure that we all got separate beds. You are NOT going to do that while I'M in this body with you." Evan then shuddered. "Eeew."   
  


JD shrugged. "Well we might as well go up to our room now. We're going to need some rest so we can travel around and find out what world we're on."   
  


Josh smiled at JD. "I see you're getting used to this universal and Dimensional travel eh?" He said to his friend.   
  


JD shrugged. "I'm tired."   
  


Josh shrugged and she and JD went up for some rest. Evan took over Kasumi's body and stayed downstairs in the bar area. Since the bartender was unconscious due to a good nut hoofing she just went behind the bar and served herself... an entire keg. She began to chug and after one pint she passed out. Josh came down a moment later and noticed Kasumi passed out on top of a keg.   
  


"Damn it Evan!" She said. "Kasumi doesn't have as much tolerance to alcohol as you!!"   
  


Kasumi's consciousness came to the forefront and slurred. "I'm don't like thish juicsh. It'sh iggy!"   
  


Josh sighed and carried his wife up to their room. "No more booze in my wife's body Evan."   
  


************   
  


JD woke up the next morning and yawned as he stretched, his winged unfolding to full length. *Maybe I should test these out inside.* he wondered as he watched his wings knock a bunch of vases off of shelves and such. JD got up and left the room, Josh was already up and downstairs eating breakfast.   
  


Josh smiled as he watched JD fly down the stairs and across the room in the bar. "Looks like you're getting the hang of flying inside eh?" JD then flew into a wall.   
  


"TEST RUN!!!" JD paused for a second and rubbed his head. "Boh Gob that hurt."   
  


Kasumi smiled groggily when she woke up. "Whoa... what kind of Juice was that? I feel like hell!" Evan's consciousness took control and Kasumi turned into a shadow being then took the shape of Evan. "Alcohol is good! IT'S DRINKING TIME!!!" Evan rushed downstairs where Josh caught him in his arms and stopped him in his tracks. Kasumi's face appeared on Josh's body and smiled. "Morning honey. Evan wants to get drunk... Can you stop him?"   
  


Josh nodded and Evan's face re-emerged. "NO JOSH!!! YOU COULDN'T!!!" Josh nodded again and smiled.   
  


"No beer for Evan."   
  


"No... beer..." Evan said, sounding shocked.   
  


"That's right Evan, no beer for you. But JD can have beer, and everyone else can have beer, but you sure as hell can't."   
  


A single tear started to drop from Evan's left eye. "No... beer..."   
  


Josh nodded in satisfaction and went over to JD who was now drunk out of his mind while talking to a dwarf. "Sho whear, like, from anoother mention n all. Sho we're needing to know whar t goo."   
  


The dwarf seemed to under stand exactly what the winged boy was saying. "Ayy! You should come with me to the great underground city of MORIA!!! Tis a grand place and I could be yu'ur guide!" He said.   
  


"Moria eh?" Josh said. "So we're in The Lord of the Rings universe... I'm not surprised!" Josh then sighed as he saw Evan, trying to order a beer at the counter without his knowledge. "Shit!" Josh then stood up and pat JD on the shoulder. "I'm gonna go stop my wife from drinking... don't do anything stupid." Josh then left for the front counter.   
  


JD smiled drunkenly and then gave a thumbs up to the dwarf. "Yeah! Sho I's gonna guessin tat we needing your helpin." He said before passing out and smacking his head off of the table he was at.   
  


The dwarf didn't noticed and raised his glass into the air. "AY THEN!! Off we four go on our journey to the great mines of MORIA!!!"   
  


"Why does he keep screaming that one word?" Kasumi wondered as she took control of her own body again.   
  


Josh frowned. "JD just did something stupid."   
  


*****************   
  


Josh frowned as he glared at the mysterious dwarf who had later on been revealed to be named Falin. The dwarf was very annoying. He was constantly screaming Moria, was a slob, and never showered. The four and a half people were currently sitting around a campfire while Falin laughed boisterously, and drank continually as he told his story, which was the exact same story he'd been telling them for the past week of their journey. "... and then I STRUCK GOLD!!!"   
  


Josh growled. "ALL RIGHT!! We've heard enough! That's the same story you've been telling for the last week! Don't you have anything else to talk about!?!?" He said.   
  


Falin looked about nervously as they all looked at him and then screamed. "MORIA!!!!!"   
  


"How far are we from Moria anyway?" Kasumi asked.   
  


Falin smiled. "It's only about a day's walk in this direction." He said, pointing in a random direction, then changing his mind and pointing to another.   
  


"Are you sure you know where we're going?" a now sober JD asked.   
  


"MORIA!!"   
  


"God DAMN IT WILL YOU STOP THAT!!" Josh screamed at the dwarf. "I don't even know WHY we're following you! What the hell's so damn great about Moria anyway!?!" He asked as he stood up from the ground.   
  


Falin smiled and a little twinkle in his eye formed before he too stood up. "You wish to know what be so great about Moria?" he asked seeming sober for a moment.{Oh he wasn't} "I will tell you."   
  


{Insert dwarven drinking song here.}   
  


All of a sudden six more dwarves popped out of the bushes and lined up on either side of Falin in a triangular pattern in the small clearing that they were camping out in. They began to walk in a synchronized beat towards the Josh and the others as a little tune came out of nowhere as though it was a musical. "Ohhhh shit! This can NOT be good!" Josh said as he stepped back to where Kasumi and JD were sitting. Kasumi smiled as she waved her index fingers back and forth and hummed with the tune that was emanating from nowhere.   
  


The dwarves began to sing.   
  


"WE ARE THE DWARVES FROM MORIA!" They all sang.   
  


"MORIA!!"   
  


"WORKIN IN THE MINES ALL DAY!!!"   
  


"DAY!!"   
  


AAAAND WHEN WE'RE TIRED OF WORKIN"   
  


"TIRED!!!"   
  


"WE DRINK AN ALE OR TEN FOR PLAY!!"   
  


"HEY!!!"   
  


"What the hell is this shit!?" Josh wondered as he watched the dwarves chug down beer while jumping around and frolicking.   
  


"I think it's cute!" Kasumi said.   
  


"I THINK THEY SHOULD BURN!!!" Evan said, taking over Kasumi' for a sec. Kasumi took over again and began to whistle with the tune.   
  


The dwarves continued.   
  


*** 

"WHEN WE SEE A MONSTER IT'S PROBABLY CAUSE WE'RE DRUNK"   
  


"WHEN WE SEE A PRETTY LASS SHE'S PROBABLY NOT PRETTY!"   
  


"AND WHEN WE SEE SOME GOLD IT'S PROBABLY JUST A ROCK!!"   
  


"CAUSE WE'RE SO FUCKIN _DRUNK_!!"   
  


*** 

"WE'RE DRINKIN IN THE MORNING!!"   
  


"DRINKIN IN THE NIGHT!!"   
  


"DRINKIN WHILE WE'RE SLEEPING!!"   
  


"AND DRINKIN WHEN WE'RE BORN!!"   
  


pause...   
  


*** 

"WE'RE DRINKIN WHEN WERE DIEING!!"   
  


"WE'RE DRINKING IN THE MIDDLE OF INTERCOURSE!!"   
  


"AAAAND WE'RE DRINKIN WHEN WE'RE READIN ELVISH PORN!!"   
  


The dwarves stopped for a moment and all was quiet except for the sounds of nature. Josh sighed. "Thank god that's over."   
  


They began to sing again.   
  


"AAAAAAANNNNND!!"   
  


JD nearly facefaulted. "Oooooohh fucky doo!!"   
  


*** 

"WHEN WE'RE WORKING IN THE MIIIINES!!"   
  


"WE ARE DRINKIN LOTS OF ALE!!"   
  


"WE DON'T GET A LOT OF WORK DONE!!"   
  


"WE'RE DRUNK WHILE WE'RE SINGIN THIS SONG!!"   
  


*** 

"WE'RE DRINKIN WHEN WE'RE DRUNK!!"   
  


"AND WE'RE DRUNK WHILE WE'RE DRINKIN!!"   
  


"WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO BREATH!!"   
  


"WHEN WE'RE NOT DRUNK!!"   
  


*** 

WE DRINK WHILE WE'RE WALKIN   
  


AND WE DRINK WHILE WE SIT   
  


AND WE DRINK WHILE WE'RE DRINKIN OUR DRINKS!!   
  


HUZZAH!!!   
  


The dwarves then trailed off as they just repeated the word drunk over and over again. Once the dwarves had finished fading out, the six dwarves that appeared out of nowhere disappeared in puffs of smoke. "So now you see what be so great about MORIA!!!"   
  


Josh glared at the dwarf. "No I don't all you did was sing about how much you get drunk!"   
  


"MORIA!!!" screamed Falin for no reason.   
  


Josh sighed. "Let's got to bed guys... if this dipshit's leading us in the right direction then we should be in Moria sometime tomorrow." Josh then curled up in his sleeping bag and prepared to sleep.   
  


"Hmmm hmmm hm hm hmmm."   
  


"Stop humming Evan."   
  


"Sorry it grows on you."   
  


*****************   
  


The next week, after much random wandering... and drinking Falin stopped. "MORIA!!!"   
  


Evan, who had taken control of Kasumi for the moment pondered. "But we are in a forest... with an Elvish settlement nearby... and not a mountain... DAMN IT!! THIS DRUNKEN BASTARD BROUGHT US TO RIVENDELL!!!"   
  


Falin was not listening... his ears clogged with beer bottles as he attempted to get seriously brain drunk. "This be the grand city of MORIA!!!! LOOK AT THE MINES!!! AND ALL OF THOSE DWARVES!!!"   
  


Josh pondered. "But their elves..."   
  


"MORIA!!!!"   
  


Evan slapped the drunken bastard and let Josh respond verbally. "YOU FUCKING DRUNK ASS FUCKER!!! FUCKER!!!! YOU ARE AN INCOMPETENT FUCKING GUIDE WHO IS ALWAYS DRUNK!!!"   
  


"And?" Falin asked. "Come, let us speak with the fine people of Moria. There is much you can learn about stringing long curse words together from my people."   
  


Evan looked around and spotted a random elf. "Hey Josh, you can have your wife back. I'm going to go kill that elf and take his body."   
  


Josh shrugged as he glared very evilly at Falin.   
  


Evan's soul exited Kasumi's body and took a semi visible form. It approached the elf slowly, who turned and yelled. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF MORIA!?!"   
  


"Oh, you are so dead." An eerie voice proclaimed as it summoned a soul realm chain saw and started to hack away at the elf's soul. The elf screamed in horror, but soon was silent. Evan's soul smiled at his friends and gave the body a quick kick, sending the tattered remains of the elf's soul flying into a tree... which it inhabited... sending the tree's soul flying and into a deer... sending the deer's soul flying... and entering a random fuzzy animal's body... and so on and so on.   
  


"I AM ALIVE!!!" Evan paused for a second. "No to change this body so that it matched my old one." Evan frowned when nothing was happening. "DAMN IT!! YOUR WIFE HAS MY POWERS!!!GIVE THEM TO ME!!!" Evan screamed as he used a small amount of his magic to quickly alter his form, making him look much like Bilbo when he had been wanting the ring and then quickly changing back, noting the glare he had received from Josh. "I'm sorry."   
  


Josh pondered. "Hmmm. It seems that since Kasumi's body is the one that the power was injected into she's the one that keeps the power."   
  


JD smiled. "Thank god. Evan doesn't need any more powers."   
  


"YES I DO!!!" Evan screamed. "I NEED THE POWER TO.... uhm...STUFF!!!"   
  


Josh shrugged. "Oh well lets go into Rivendell and see if we can get some food and a place to rest. I'm tired of walking."   
  


"YES!! ENTER MORIA!!!" Falin screamed. Evan, in his new body walked up behind Falin quietly (as all elves do), summoned a large two headed Orcish axe and slammed it through the stout man's body. Suddenly, banners and fireworks started going off and a small parade was lead outside, being headed up by Elrond.   
  


The train stopped in front of the group. Elrond approached Evan. "Thank you my fellow elf, for ending the madness that the fiend of a Dwarf has brought upon our fair land."   
  


Evan shrugged. "I did it for the good of the world."   
  


Falin all of a sudden raised his hand into the air. "Mor...i" all of a sudden fifteen elvish warriors jumped on Falin and struck him repeatedly in the head with their weapons. He died this time.   
  


"We were wondering if we could get some food..." Josh said to Elrond.   
  


Elrond cupped his hand to his ear. "What's this? Some brutish language is being spoken in my presence! Please, fellow elf, please translate their crude message into Elvish so that I need not be troubled by such worthless creatures." The master Elf spoke in Elvish.   
  


"What the hell did you just say?" Evan asked in plain english.   
  


"I said..." Began Elrond in english.   
  


"HEY!! He's speaking in the exact same language as ME DAMN IT!!! HOW THE HELL DO YOU UNDERSTAND HIM AND NOT ME!?!?!?!!?" Josh then added silently. "You fuckin dwarf dick."   
  


Evan muttered a quick spell and summoned a book on Elvish/English translations and read it over quickly. Evan smiled and began speaking in Elvish. "I'm sorry about my brutish friends, they probably do not know who they are dealing with... though you can be a dwarf dick at times if you don't mind me saying so."   
  


Elrond frowned. "I do indeed mind, but, being kind people we will give you our hospitality. But, you must pay for your own accommodations. Oh, and please, have your filthy friends washed before they appear in public."   
  


Evan smiled. "I have just they way to earn money!"   
  


****************   
  


Later on in a inn in Rivendell. Josh JD and Kasumi were sitting around waiting for Evan in the lobby. "When's he going to get here with the money?" Kasumi asked as she shadow morphed her hand in and out of different forms trying to bide the time. Though they'd only been there for ten minutes.   
  


"Yeah I'm hungry too." JD said.   
  


Josh smiled. "Don't worry he generally manages to get the money needed when it really counts." he said. "All these elves are total dicks... Evan really fits in."   
  


"Yeah."   
  


"Oh yeah.   
  


Just then Evan burst through the door of the inn and stood before the trio in a panicked state as though he had just seen a ghost. He was breathing heavily and he smelt like heavy dwarven alcohol.   
  


"What's wrong Evan?" Kasumi asked, generally concerned for the man.   
  


"Yeah man." JD added. "I've never seen you like this. You okay?"   
  


Evan undid his pants and let them drop to the floor. Kasumi gasped and JD and Josh stared in shock. "Now you see?" Evan asked. "My source of income is gone!"   
  


"It's..." Kasumi started.   
  


"There's no..." JD continued.   
  


Josh fell to the floor laughing. "BWA HA HAAA!!!!" This is TOO GOOD!!! HA HA HAAAA!!!"   
  


Evan frowned and pulled up his pants. "It's not funny DAMN IT!!!" Evan looked at the floor. "How would you like it if you found out that the Elf who's body you stole was actually a transvestite!?" Evan sighed and wiped away a tear, "I'll have to find another source of income."   
  


Josh frowned and stopped laughing "Are you going to curse the entire city and then offer the cure for a price?"   
  


"Actually I was going to sell a version of crack... but that could work... or we could rape pillage and plunder." Evan suggested.   
  


"Yeah, crack is bad..." JD mumbled.   
  


Evan smiled and went up beside JD. "Here little boy, have a mystical sword... it won't turn you into a transvestite. I swear!"   
  


JD edged away. "No thanks, I remember the curse of She-Man."   
  


Evan frowned. "Hmm... maybe Elrond wants a sword..."   
  


******************   
  


"Ok Elrond, just chant this little mantra and you will have the power to defeat Sauron!!"   
  


Elrond smiled. "Why thank you good elf. Your kindness is noted and your earlier intrusion is forgiven... though we will never truly accept your brutish friends."   
  


Evan smiled. "Don't worry about it, they are all assholes anyway. But you just chant that mantra and then I'll be on my way to Galendrial, I have to give her a similar sword... as well as Gandolph, Aragon, Borimir, Faramir, Frodo, Sam, Pippen, Legolas, Radagast the Brown, Merry and every single man on this planet."   
  


Elrond smiled. "You are a very kind fellow. But where do you keep these blades?"   
  


Evan smiled broadly, his anime physics still in some semblance of an existence. "That! Is a secret!"   
  


"Fair enough." Then Elrond chanted the mantra of She-Man, becoming the transvestite super hero thing.   
  


***************   
  


"Where do you think the fellowship is Evan?" Josh asked his elf friend.   
  


Evan shrugged. "I think they're in Moria right now. We should go there so we could show them how much more ass we kick then they do."   
  


"Sounds good." Josh said. "I taught JD and Kasumi how to fight a little while we were in elf central. Why did we have to stay there an entire week anyway?"   
  


"Yes those elvish people were very rude." Kasumi added. "Mr. Falin was much more welcoming, it's really a shame you killed him."   
  


Josh shrugged and powered up his aura. "Come on Kasumi, we're flying to Moria, this walking stuff takes too long."   
  


Evan nodded and powered up his magic, allowing himself to float into the air. "Good idea. Josh can take Kasumi and I can use my magic to make JD fly at the same speed as us."   
  


JD nodded. "Cool! I get to fly super speed now?"   
  


"Yeah."   
  


"SWEET!!"   
  


Josh then shot forward towards Moria with Evan and JD in tow.   
  


*****************   
  


Author's notes: {Yeah Evan's Penis is now Gone. I'm the evillest evil person ever. Recently I was in the musical of Peter Pan... I was the first Pirate to die... that's cool. Anyway I gotta go to school shortly so here's Evan... we'll actually let JD write author's notes this time.}   
  


(Yeah, I'm the scape goat. Anywho, it's not my fault we write elf cocks to be small, that's Josh's department, he loves the cock. Anywho, it's school time for Evan... oh, watch the anime called the Shinesmen. It kicks ass!)   
  


[I thought this was an awsome chapter I liked the part where I got to swim in a big pool of pudding....no wait that was a dream i had 3 months ago, sorry. Anyways for christmas i want a CRAZY WILD ACTION BIKE! And evan to spit shine my car while wearing a thong.......wait that was another dream....odd...well anyways ima gonna go eat josh's leg...mmmmmmm leg :D]   
  


{ow. Stop that.} 


	24. Workin the Mines

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Self Insertion   
  


Chapter 24   
  


Workin The Mines   
  


Evan fondled herself slightly before walking up to the rubble that was the doorway to Moria. "Looks like the fantastic nine beat us to it, and they busted up our door too!" She whined, which mind you she was getting quite good at.   
  


"Yeah, oh well." Josh said as he gentily pushed everyone aside and flared his aura. "Rubble gonna die!" He fired a massive beam of chi into the pile of rubble, which, in a matter of seconds, disintegrated.   
  


"I used to be able to do that." Evan mumbled, still sort of fondling herself.   
  


Kasumi looked over at the new female. "Can you stop fondling yourself!?"   
  


Evan looked innocent. "I can't help it. I have boobs." Her tone shifted into one more angry. "If you had wang you'd be doing the same thing... Chung." Evan then flipped her long locks back and smirked.   
  


Kasumi shrugged. "You've got a point there."   
  


JD eyed the two girls oddly. "Umm... let's just enter."   
  


Evan smiled. "Just a minute, I've got some more fondling to do."   
  


JD groaned and entered slightly hunched over, following Josh and Kasumi. Evan noted the hunching and shot a fireball at JD's ass, lighting it on fire. He screamed. He screamed real good. Evan laughed. Josh lit up a chi ball to light up the caverns as they walked through the mines. All of a sudden a small horde of Goblins appeared before them, apparently running for their lives. Josh unconsciously fried them all like KFC and turned to Evan. "They probably found the Balrog already."   
  


"Good guessing... I'm hungry." was Evan's reply.   
  


"Anyone else smell KFC?" JD queeried.   
  


"I always wondered how they could make those mega value meals so cheap. Just kill a few Goblins and WHAMO! Instant Family Pack!... but what about those two bite brownies... eww." Evan said.   
  


Josh nodded... "Right... How about I instant transmission us all two miles forward till we eventually see the fellowship?"   
  


"Fellowship, smellowship. I need some chicks!" Evan said, his old sex drive apparently still in play. "Sides, give me a big rock and I'll tell ya where they are!" JD handed Evan a rock. "Thanks Angel-poo. I'll be back." Evan then ran away. Everyone else just waited untill they heard what seemed to be a cry of pain. A few minutes later Evan came back, riding a Nimbus. "I found em. Beaned the old guy with a rock 'fore he fell down this mother of a hole when this big firey guy chased oldy down. I doused the bastard with a couple thousand gallons of water till he died and then the old guy started coming to, so I bean him again. This time with a different rock. Then this elf guy shot at me with sticks and I beat him in the face with another rock. But this little guy with fancy pants armor disappeared so I cast a see invisable spell and snatched his ring while breaking all of his fingers and lighting his little knee caps on fire. His midget buddies came at me so I smacked them sons a bitches back into last Sunday... where they still reside... Then this human guy tried to hit me with this piece of metal, so I pulled out a BFG and blew his ass away. There was this other human guy, but he didn't want any trouble... so I broke his legs and surrounded him with scorpions." Evan said with a smile.   
  


Josh looked at his estranged best friend shocked and disgusted. "EVAN!! YOU JUST BEAT UP, MAIMED AND KILLED THE VERY PEOPLE WE WERE LOOKING FOR!!!"   
  


Evan smiled again. "But I got this sweet ring. Watch this." She put it on and dissapeared. "WHEE!! I'M UNVISABLE!!!" She screamed happily.. And in a very childish voice. She then reappeared. "So... umm... we were looking for these guys to beat them up right?"   
  


Josh frowned and grabbed the ring from Evan. He then instant transmissioned by himself away from the others. He appeared flying over the center of mount doom and tossed the ring in, destroying it completely. He then instant transmissioned back.   
  


Evan juggled a ring, the one ring to be exact. "I gotz a ring."   
  


Kasumi slapped her. "That is not the one ring. It has flowers and happy faces on it."   
  


Evan nodded. "It is the one ring to FOOL THEM ALL!!!!"   
  


JD almost face faulted. "WHAT THE FUCK!!"   
  


Josh then appeared out of nowhere. "There! I saved the world. Who wants beer? I'm sure that I can get a hefty reward for this." Josh then held up the head of Saruman and then lifted up the other hand to reveal Sauron's noggin.   
  


"But wait! There is devilry about yet!! FOR I HAVE A FLOWERY RING!!! CAPTIAN PLANET EMERGE!!!" Evan smiled as nothing happened... and got slapped by Josh. "ABUSE!..... So where is this beer."   
  


**************   
  


Josh smiled as he woke up in a bed with Mila Jovovich. He smiled at her and kissed her on the lips. "This shape changing this of yours kicks ass Kasumi."   
  


Kasumi looked confused. "Yeah, however this girl that you made me roleplay... looks an awful lot like the girl I killed... for kissing you."   
  


"Actually she's an actress from my univese." Josh replied.   
  


Kasumi frowned. "And why were you carrying a picture of her around with you?"   
  


Josh was already out the door running.   
  


Josh ran past Evan, travelling at a massive speed. "So she found the picture eh?" Josh stopped, turned around, nodded, turned back around, and started to run again. Kasumi followed suit, but while passing Evan turned into the Incredible HULK!!! Evan smiled and yelled out to Josh. "YOU SHOULDN'T LET HER READ COMICS!!!"   
  


Before Josh was out of earshot he turned and screamed back. "IT'S YOUR FAULT!! YOU SUMMONED THEM!!!" Josh ran some more and then added. "DICK!!"   
  


JD was at the bar. "I um Shooo wastered!!"   
  


Evan walked up behind him. "You are learning well my son." She said in a sage like voice... before fondling herself. "I'll have a keg." The bartender smiled.   
  


"What kind of keg?"   
  


"A big one."   
  


"How big?"   
  


"Biggest ya got."   
  


"What kinda beer?"   
  


"I dunno... Elvish?"   
  


"Don't got none. Wussy."   
  


"Hmm... Orcish?"   
  


"Nope... Suicidal maniac."   
  


"Dwarven?"   
  


"Nope... trying to drink yer self stupid?"   
  


"Yes, gimme!!"   
  


"I don't gots none."   
  


"Human?"   
  


"Nope."   
  


"What the hell do you have!?!"   
  


"Alls I gots is a box of one dozen starven, crazed, field mice."   
  


"Ok, I'll take that."   
  


"Your funeral."   
  


"You had best believe... I'll ditch this body... yeah, chewed to death by field mice. A suiting death..."   
  


"What are you mubling about?" The bartender asked.   
  


"Nothing." Evan said. "Give me the mice."   
  


*********   
  


One hour later. Evan and the mice were sitting around the bar, all of them pasted and doped up on pipe weed. "I... luv... youse guysd!!!" Evan said in very drunken tone. "If I wasddd... a feld moose... I be lick a dooder to allo youse many menssssssssss......." Evan then passed out a crushed the feild mice.   
  


*********   
  


Evan woke up four months later. "What the hell... where did my feild mice go?"   
  


Josh, Kasumi, and JD were all standing overtop of him with concerned looks on all their faces. "Are you okay?" Josh asked, he was currently in his female form.   
  


"Was there something I missed... like the slaughtering of my bestest best feild mice friends?" Evan resonded. He then lifted his hand up and grabbed Josh's boob. "Where's our reward?"   
  


Josh growled and punched him. She then stood up. "We spent it."   
  


"You spent it? When? We just got here." Evan said.   
  


"No... you see, you've been out for three months or so... and you killed your feild mice." JD said.   
  


"Was it out of nesscesity? I mean, did I eat them... like that movie with the soccer team?" Evan asked.   
  


JD shrugged. "What movie? And no... you didn't eat them. You just... kinda... fell on them."   
  


"Wait. You don't know the movie with the soccer team? It's got... Mary Kate and Ashley... and um... Nicolas Cage... and John Travolta... and their faces move... and then a cheap hooker buys a nuclear warhead and then Stuart Little kicks her ass... and then Arnold Swartsajigger... he did this thing... with this other thing and it was cool... just like the time I sat on a tack....." Evan trailed off... slightly.   
  


Josh frowned. "I hope we don'y go to that universe."   
  


"Huh?" JD inquired.   
  


Josh smiled. "I figured out a pattern to our dimension hopping."   
  


"Really?" Kasumi asked.   
  


"Yeah." Josh continued. "The timer slash spell is taking universe ideas from our heads of movies and T.V. shows that we've seen and sending us there."   
  


"Yeah hey that makes sense." Evan said. The timer in her pocket then began to beep. "I guess we should go... and bocka boom!!!"   
  


"What?" JD asked as Evan shoved him into the portal. "BOCKA BOOM!" Evan screamed as she jumped in afterwards. Kasumi and Josh ran in together.   
  


*************   
  


In another dimension the portal opened up and the group all fell forward landing on the alter dimensional soil. Josh looked around and there didn't seem to be anyone around. "Well I don't see anything around... let's look for civilization."   
  


JD smiled. "I'll fly up and see if I can get a better vantage point."   
  


"He knows what a vantage point is? Anyway, give me a big rock and about five minutes." Evan said, with a large grin.   
  


Josh put a hand on Evan's very feminine shoulder. "Ahhh I think we'll try JD's idea." JD nodded and flew up into the air. Moments later a flying car came out of supposedly nowhere and shot him with some sort of tranquilizing lazer beam. It then flew away with JD towards a large futuristic city.   
  


The other three didn't notice since they were playing D&D till he got back.   
  


"The Gelatinous Cube eats you both and GOTORO WINS!!" He said throwing her fists into the air.   
  


"You suck at Dming." Josh stated. Kasumi nodded in agreeence.   
  


"I'd like to see you do better... side's you failed a spot check on my precious Gelatinous cubes... which were the death of you... leading to Gotoro's victory.... and Pie... always pie." Evan said, summoning a piece of Pudding Pie for herself and eating it before Josh could try anything.   
  


Kasumi looked confused. "But who's Gotoro? You didn't mention him once?"   
  


Evan blushed but before he could suport an alibi, Josh interupted. "Where's JD?"   
  


Evan looked around. "I'm not telling."   
  


Kasumi looked at Evan curiously. "You know where JD is?"   
  


"I wasn't talking about Gotoro." Evan replied, turning his back on the couple and tracing circles in the sand.   
  


Josh looked away towards the futuristic city which was blatantly obvious. "Maybe we should go to that ciy and find out what happened to him?"   
  


Kasumi smiled. "That sounds like a good idea. That's probably why you were voted team leader."   
  


"When did this happen?!?!?!?" Evan asked, jelously.   
  


"TO THE CITY!!!" Josh said, pointing towards the oversized city that was obviously there the whole time, past the forest that they were in.   
  


"But Gotoro wants to have a picnic..." Evan whimpered. "I want to have a picnic with Gotoro."   
  


Josh sweat dropped. "What the hell is a Gotoro?"   
  


"Nothing..." Evan said, her head hung and blushing.   
  


Josh and Kasumi looked at each other oddly. "Perhaps she met this 'Gotoro' while she was passed out for three and a bit months."   
  


"DID NOT!!!" Evan screamed.   
  


The trio left towards the city, Evan arguing with 'Gotoro' for the rest of the way.   
  


************   
  


Later on Josh, Kasumi, and Evan were walking through the city which happened to be New York in the future. "This is wierd!" Josh stated.   
  


"I'll say!" Evan said. "I can't find any alcohol anywhere!"   
  


Josh frowned. "Uuh that's not exactly what I meant." She said. "Look around. There's not a single male anywhere. Everywhere we've gone; the juice bars, the hotels, the restaurants... they're all women!"   
  


Kasumi nodded and looked around for herself. "Now that you think of it you're right."   
  


"The only thing that pisses me off about the whole situation is that this current dimension proves my theory wrong." Josh stated with an upset look.   
  


"Yeah... I told you so." Evan stated.   
  


Josh frowned. "No you didn't. You we're just mumbling about field mice. The thing is... None of us have ever seen a show or movie anything like this universe."   
  


Kasumi nodded. "That's true... neither have I."   
  


Josh smiled. "Well we should probably start looking for JD." Josh then walked up to a police officer. "Excuse me Ma'am?" She started.   
  


The officer turned towards her with a smile. "What can I do for yah cutie?"   
  


Josh smiled nervously as Kasumi frowned at the officer. "Yeah... uhm, I've been... sheltered my wentire life and don't ... quite know how the worl works. Why are there no men?"   
  


The female police officer started to laugh histerically. "You've gotta be kidding me!! HA HA HAAA!!! Am I on candid camera or something!?! That's the funniest thing anyone's ever said to me!"   
  


Josh laughed nervously. "Heh heh, yeah... candid camera... sure. Could you just humor me? We're doing a serious report for an essay we have to write."   
  


The officer smiled and wiped a tear from her eye. "Sure, sure whatever. My shift is ending now anyway... How about I get you sweet deliciously beautiful girls some drinks, while I help you out?"   
  


Josh smiled, pretending to be oblivious to the hit on all three of them. "Sure, we'd like that."   
  


Kasumi was grinding her teeth. "My husband witch!" She muttered under her breath. Moments later the three of them all walked over to a nearby ice cream parlor.   
  


**************   
  


"... So all the men in the entire world were killed, everysingle one of them were arrested and shot in the back of the head."   
  


Josh and Evan recoiled at that last statment. "Good lord!"   
  


The police woman continued the history of their world. "Mmm hmm, We don't have to worry about anything anymore, it seems everything bad that ever happened was brought on by males. My jobs as easy as anything."   
  


"What about procreation?" Josh wondered out loud. "Doesn't anybody have sex?"   
  


The policewoman nodded. "All the time! Orgies are now a very common thing. Since there are no men women are all brought up attracted to other women."   
  


Kasumi looked baffled. "But what about babies? What about having children? How do y... we reproduce?"   
  


"Cloning." She stated simply, as though it was yester-millenium's news. "We use a complicated cloning procedure that mixes the genes of two people and automatically forces them to be double X chomosomes, thus we're all beautiful girls."   
  


"This is so hot!" Evan stated as she recorded every word that the woman said on a handheld tape recorder that she'd summoned earlier. Josh punched her in the arm.   
  


"Please continue."   
  


The policewoman gave Evan a seductive look and then nodded and continued on. "A few men have popped up once in a while, there's colonies of underground men, but all of us women carry around firearms and when one of them is spotted we shoot them dead."   
  


Josh and Evan recoiled. "That's awful!"   
  


The policewoman put up her hands and shook her head. "I know, I know. It's an ugly job but we all have to contribute to keep our Utopia running smoothly."   
  


Josh swallowed a lump in her throat. "So uh, what if there was some sort of deformity or random evolution in one of the males that resurface?"   
  


"That rarely happens, but when it does the United Scientific Research Facility for Women's Dominance will capture and study them, you know, do tests and stuff. Then after they get bored or they learn something of value that can be used against all other males, they kill the specimen."   
  


Josh nodded, finally getting some info that could help them in their search for JD. "So the U.S.R..F.W.D... where is it located?"   
  


"It's in the exact center of New, New York City. Above it is the high council, they're the..." Josh decided to cut her off.   
  


"Gotta go! Thanks for the drinks. This is enough info for our news report."   
  


The police woman looked confused. "I thought you said it was an essay."   
  


Josh, Evan and Kasumi froze in their mad rush to leave. "Yeah." Josh stuttered. "Essay. That's what I meant." The three of them then all left the ice cream parlor and began walking down the street at a fast pace.   
  


"Damn it I forgot to ask! Evan!"   
  


"Huh?" Evan queried.   
  


"How much time do we have here in this universe!?" Josh continued.   
  


Evan pulled out the timer from his pocket and pressed a few buttons. "We've only got two days!" She whined.   
  


Josh smiled. "That's more than enough time to find JD and bust him out." She then looked confused. "Why did you sound so upset about it?" She pondered.   
  


Evan wiped a tear from her eye. "Cause this is probably the only universe that I can whore myself off to willing participants and not feel disgusting."   
  


"Huh?" Josh wondered.   
  


"EVERYONE HERE'S A LESBIAN!!"   
  


"Get over it Evan. Once we find a way to get you a normal male body you can whore yourself off as much as you want." Josh said.   
  


Evan smiled. "Gotoro is happy!"   
  


Josh sighed and they all went in search of the U.S.R..F.W.D.   
  


******************   
  


Josh looked amazed as she gazed upon the U.S.R..F.W.D. building. It was the biggest, and most technologically advanced building in the city, it was made completely of steel as all the other houses in the city now were. Apparently the women of this world had decided to make all buildings and houses out of stainless fireproof steel. There was lots of bright shiney lights and everything about the building was cool.   
  


"Cool." Evan stated. "When do I get to cause damage?"   
  


"You don't..." Josh said. "Or at least not until we've found JD and gotten out of this dimension. It's a constant threat to me and him."   
  


Evan smiled. "So long as I can." Evan then held up a hand and powered up some magic. "How do we get in?"   
  


Josh smiled. "Well we could just crash in there, kill absolutely everyone in the building, but... I think we should torture the women in that building. I don't particularly like them."   
  


"Why?" Kasumi inquired.   
  


Josh looked over att her wife as though she was retarded. "Because they kill men just for being men. I say we do this world a favor and recticy certain inequities."   
  


"What?" Kasumi wondered. "Do you even know what you were just saying?"   
  


"Haven't a clue."   
  


"Hey Josh?" Evan asked. "Do you have some sort of idea as to how you want me to torture the ladies?" She inquired with an evil smile.   
  


"Well..." Josh started. "You have this incredible knack for summoning Jusenkyo water. How about we turn the women here into the very creature that they hate."   
  


"Spiders?"   
  


Josh looked stupified. "What!? No! MEN!! Turn them all into men!"   
  


"How about boys?" Kasumi offered.   
  


Josh looked at her surprised. "My dear I'm impressed." Josh then turned back to Evan. "Okay do that."   
  


Evan smiled and then in a moment summoned the water, the water covered every square inch of the building and then after about two or three seconds it all dissapeared. Josh smiled and the three of them walked towards the building to rescue their friend.   
  


As they walked through there were several piles of clothes lying around with five year old boys tangled up in it. Evan picked one of them up and it started swearing repeatedly. "Awww." He then turned towards Josh. "Can I keep it? Josh just kept walking, not hearing his friend. Evan smiled at the little girl turned boy. "Off to the pocket dimension you go." The little boy then dissapeared into Evan's personal pocket universe and he continued on after his best friend and her wife.   
  


A few moments later Josh walked over to a receptionist desk and hopped over it. She looked at the kid on the floor and ignored it as she began looking through the files on the highly advanced computer, which was still using Windows 95 for some reason. "Yeah... this is why women shouldn't rule te world." Evan said as she looked over Josh's shoulder. Kasumi then morphed her right arm into that of an Ogre's and punched Evan as hard as an Ogre could against a wall. Since it was stainless steel he didn't go through... it just hurt a lot and broke many bones. He healed using her magic moments later though.   
  


Josh smiled as she easily scanned through the out of date software, finding the room that JD was in. "I found him. He's in some sort of Scientific research and investigations laboratory."   
  


"Let's go!" Kasumi said, leading the way.   
  


*************   
  


JD groaned as he awoke again. He had been slipping in and out of consciousness several times due to the painful scientific research that the evil women were putting him through. JD shivered as he got up off of the cold hard metal surface. This surprised him a little and he snapped out of his stupor and began looking around. He was naked still, and the restraints that used to suspend him in the air were no longer doing their job. JD smiled and stepped forward to get out of there, however he lost his balance and fell over hard. It was about this time that he noticed that everything seemed a lot bigger.   
  


JD started to crawl away from the research area and noticed some lab coats and female clothing, lying around. "What the?" He said, just then noticing that his voice had changed and his... Mr. Happy... was a LOT smaller. "AAAHHH!!! WHAT THE HELL!?! I'M A LITTLE KID!!"   
  


Just then a pair of tiny arms grabbed him by the throat, then a naked baby boy ran towards him with a knife. "We cannot allow the intruder to ethcape!" The one grabbing his neck said.   
  


"YOU MUTHT DIE!!!!" The other screamed as it ran awkwardly towards the winged five year old.   
  


BOOT!! "AAAAH!!" CLANG!!   
  


Josh smiled as he came just in time to kick the armed tyke into a support pillar. "Whew! Got here just in time! Now did anyone else just have a Child's Play flashback?"   
  


JD just choked in reply.   
  


"I GOT THIS ONE!!!" Evan said as she ran towards the five year old choking JD. She booted it as hard as she could in the face, and sent it flying into a futuristic electro magnetic generator. The little boy was mushed in frightful scene of gore and elecrtic waves as he broke the generator. "Oops."   
  


Suddenly there was a huge explosion and and Electro Magnetic Pulse went off, putting all the technology in the city silent. "Oh shit!" Josh muttered. Evan pulled out the timer once the pulse was over. "Don't tell me you just broke the timer." Josh said with a sigh.   
  


Evan held the time up so Josh and Kasumi could see it. It was flashing repeatedly and the numbers that appeared on the front of it were changing faster than the eyes could follow.   
  


JD Started kicking Evan in the shins repeatedly. "You BASTARD!! This is probably all your fault!"   
  


Evan shrugged and started for the door while she put away her timer. "Eh, probably." The other three just stared as she walked away.   
  


"Sometimes I really hate her." Kasumi stated.   
  


"You won't get over it." Josh said with a sullen expression on her face.   
  


********************   
  


Josh awoke with a yawn the next day. She scratched her ass, and then rolled out of bed, much like Kasumi had only an hour before. She walked into the bathroom where Kasumi was currently taking a shower. Hey Kas!?" Josh asked. "How long you gonna be?"   
  


"Just a few more minutes!" Kasumi said, over the noise of the shower. "Want to join me?" She asked.   
  


"Nah! I'm gonna play it safe and stay female until Evan's got the timer fixed."   
  


"Okay."   
  


Josh then left the bathroom, proud that she didn't let her libido get the better of her. She found Evan sitting naked on her bed fidgeting with a still flickering and flashing timer. "Hows it going with the timer?" Josh asked.   
  


"Crappy. It's still screwed up!" Evan sighed and lay back on the bed. "I don't get it! Everything else in the city started working again twenty minutes after the EMP. The Timer wont stop."   
  


Josh noded and sat down beside her. "Where's JD?"   
  


Evan shrugged. "He wanted to go get something to eat."   
  


"WHAT!?!"   
  


Evan smiled. "Don't worry. "I gave him a image inducer kind of like off of X-Men, so that he looks like an average superbly hot 18 year old co-ed college student, female of course."   
  


Josh sighed in relief. "Good."   
  


"How'd he take the fact that you gave him a jusenkyo curse?" Josh asked.   
  


Evan chuckled. "I told him that it's a good way to meet chicks and he took me at face value."   
  


"Really?"   
  


"No... I tried that but I was laughing too much so beat the living crap out of me. He's surprisingly strong." Evan replied with a chuckle.   
  


"I have been teaching him and Kasumi martial arts remember?"   
  


Evan frowned and sat up again. "Yeah and I hate you for it."   
  


"Yeah well, JD doesn't really have a lot of powers or skills that'll help him survive our trip through th dimensions. He needs it." Josh rationalized.   
  


"So what about Kasumi?"   
  


Josh smiled. "Now she can beat you up expertly."   
  


"I hate you."   
  


"...and I'm lovin it."   
  


Just then Kasumi walked out of the shower and sat on the bed with a sigh and a sad look on her face. Josh looked confused yet concerned and wrapped an arm around her. "Hey is something wrong?" She asked.   
  


Kasumi nodded and sniffled a little. "I miss Mo-mo and Li-li." She said sadly as she drifted off into a blubbery crying mess.   
  


Josh put her index finger under her bottom lip and had a far off look on her face. "Oh yeah! I forgot about them."   
  


"WHAT!?!?"   
  


"I'm gonna run away now." Evan said as she jumped out the window while casting a spell.   
  


Josh was now fearful as an angry Kasumi stood atop of her with a very angry expression. "YOU FORGOT ALL ABOUT OUR OWN CHILDREN!!!?" She screamed.   
  


Josh ducked as her wife threw a lamp at her, her spider sense warning her just in time. "Honey It's not what you think!" She said.   
  


Screams of pain ensued from the hotel room.   
  


**************   
  


Later on Four women were walking down the street. Three of them were obviously Evan, Kasumi, and a beat up Josh. The other was completely unrecognizable and impossibly beautiful. {It's my girlfriend Amanda} She was about 5'5", with shoulder length blonde hair, and a beautiful, busty and curvacious figure. Josh was currently staring at the girl up and down as they all walked down the street. "DAMN!! That's JD's image induced form?"   
  


Evan smiled as she watched her creation get wolf whistles and the such from most all of the females that they passed by. "What can I say? I'm an artist."   
  


Josh just rolled her eyes. "You're a dick."   
  


Evan frowned and faked crying. "You've hurt Gotoro's feelings!" She said.   
  


"Oh shut up with that Gotoro crap Evan."   
  


Evan shrinked back a little and covered her head when Evan looked at her. "Ehhh don't hurt me." She then frowned and added. "You should get back into the kitchen where women belong."   
  


Luckilly for Evan Kasumi didn't hear.   
  


********************   
  


author's notes: {Eh. I just feel like ending it here. I felt like doing some stuff to JD. He needed more problems to fit in. The next few chapters will concentrate a little more on him and his development through the dimensions. Evan will become more chauvenistic towards women, even though he is one now, and I'll probably just get messed up. Kasumi's cool the way she is... anyway I saw the trailer for X-Men 2 yesterday and holy shit it kicked ass! Nightcrawler is the coolest thing I've seen in the longest time. This movies like the matrix of superheroes. It's going to be a great action movie, as well as special effects. Yeah 2003 is going to be awesome, Spider man 2, X-Men 2, Matrix 2 and 3, Daredevil, The Hulk, and there'll probably be lots of other cool movies contending with them. Yeah... well... Si rules tell all your friends. 

BIG NEWS!!!! I may be changing my website layout in the future(not too near) It's going to have a main page with the option of going to the regular tripod page or the cool as hell flash page. I'm going to go all out and get as fancy as I possibly can, with some of my friend's help. And give me fanart. I want the fanart section to be the best part. All them pretty pictures. And besides, if you do really good work I may incorporate it into the opening title Flash page. Anyway that's enough from me... here's JD.}   
  


(Screw JD. This is the Evan live and uncut! Word! Anywho, I have actually made my own website. I shall include the link... here! yeah... its decent. Um... its already got like six hits!! Man people love me!!... I updated six times... Im so lonely. Love me... anyone... *tear* *sniff* *urinate*... *other bodily function*... *more sniffs and tears and bodily functions*.... um... *tear*... yeah... *sniff*... *poonaner* *spread*. Um, yeah, I've been reading a lot of Resident Evil books by SD Perry. She is one amazing author...or is it authorette? Or could it be author who is not male? Or perhaps... ah screw it. They are good, read them... JD acts like Brad Vickers.)   
  


{I love you guys.}   
  


[This was a GREAT chapter, it really got to me. I really loved the part when Josh made out with a monkey.....READ TUP! Ps I AM NOT BRAD VICKERS! You flaming piece of shit cock fucker BARBRA STRIESAND!]   
  



	25. Silence Is Golden

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Self Insertion   
  


Chapter 25   
  


Silence is golden   
  


Evan sat on the bed at the hotel by herself. She was currently working on the timer using some high tech gadgetry. She smiled as she fitted together the last parts of the handheld dimensional gateway opener. She smiled as it snapped together and she turned it on. "Ha HA!! I did it!" She yelled as she stood from the bed and held the timer up.   
  


Josh sighed from her seat by a nearby desk. "You didn't turn it into an trans-mutagenic displacement field did you?" She asked.   
  


Evan shook her head and walked over to show her best friend what is was she had done. "Uh uh. I gave up on that a long time ago. Check it out. I fixed the timer." She said with a smile.   
  


Josh smiled, as did Kasumi and JD. "All RIGHT!!! When do we leave?"   
  


Evan held up a finger. "Just a sec. I gotta wait for it to settle on a time." A few seconds later Evan's smiled faded. "Ah crap."   
  


Josh rolled her eyes. "Oh maaan What's the time?"   
  


Evan turned the timer around. It read: 1:00:00:00:00. "We're here for an entire year." Just then the timer gave one more blip and everyone groaned.   
  


"OH SON OF A BITCH!!! I hate you Evan" JD said.   
  


"What are we gonna do!?" Kasumi asked. "We're out of money! This is the last day we can stay at the hotel!"   
  


"We're broke!?!?" Josh asked. "Oh that's just great. We're stuck in a world of violent Lesbians for two entire years!"   
  


"Wait a second... is there such thing as a nice lesbian?" Evan asked.   
  


"Apparently not they shoot males on SIGHT!!!" JD screamed in frustration.   
  


Evan smiled. "How about we go on a drunken killing spree and take over the world or something?" She asked, looking at Josh.   
  


"No."   
  


"NO!?!?!"   
  


"We gotta stop all this killing!" Josh said. "It's getting out of hand. Every universe we go to we kill tons of people. Evan these are real people!"   
  


"No they aren't. They're lesbians. Lesbians aren't real... lesbians, that is craziness!!"   
  


"WAKE UP EVAN!!!" Josh screamed. "I don't care what you think. I'm not letting you or JD, or even Kasumi kill any more people. If we want to survive this we have to stay at least a little bit obscure!"   
  


"Easy for you to say." Evan started while crossing her arms. "You still have all of your powers. All I've got is magic now."   
  


"So, magic is a great power." Kasumi stated attempting to make Evan feel better.   
  


"No its not. I only have the ability bend the universe and time and stuff." Evan said, getting slightly teary eyed.   
  


"Shut up Evan." Josh said, turning away from him. "All JD's got is wings and a curse that makes him useless."   
  


"So... I could have wings and a useless curse..." Evan whimpered.   
  


"Once again, shut up Evan." Josh said.   
  


Evan hung her head. "Ahh... Its O.K. Gotoro, he doesn't mean it."   
  


Josh shook her head and walked away.   
  


JD shrugged and followed Josh. Josh came back a moment later with a newspaper. And threw it down on the table. "One of us four has got to get a job. JD can't get one, he's 100% male and there's a huge chance that he'll get caught... again." Josh then pointed to herself. "I can't get one cause if any hot water touches me I'm busted, then I'd have to kill thousands and thousands of people before actually getting away."   
  


"I vote Josh." Evan said putting her hand up.   
  


Josh then looked at Evan, as did Kasumi and JD. Evan looked around nervously and then motioned towards Kasumi. "What about her. She's a girl... and... they'd never... suspe... uhhhh... why are you all looking at me like that?"   
  


"Kasumi's mutant power's been acting up lately. Any heightened emotions she has makes her power go off. If any body see's that she'd probably get experimented on like JD." Josh said.   
  


JD put up a finger to cut in. "Actually I've been feeling kind of weird since..."   
  


"Shut UP! I'm talking... Wait where was I? Oh yeah... Evan you have to get a job. You're the only one here who's fully female." Josh finished.   
  


"Ohhhh no. I ain't getting a job!" Evan stated. Backing up and shaking his hands frantically. "I'm a lover not a fighter."   
  


"Well that's good." JD said with a smile. "Cause you wouldn't be fighting... you'd be working."   
  


Evan gave JD the finger. "A fuck you hippie. I'm not working man."   
  


"You're not a man." Josh offered.   
  


"AAAAH EVERYONE'S AGAINST ME!!!"   
  


"No just us." Kasumi said.   
  


"Don't make me bust out the nun-chucks." Evan threatened.   
  


"Well, we were thinking about getting you a desk job in the technical section of some major corporation which you would be paid massive amounts of money for." Josh said, lying profusely.   
  


"Desk job?" Evan asked, actually believing Josh. "Hmm... that might work... getting money for nothing is great."   
  


Kasumi nodded, trying to back up Josh's lie. "Yeah, we thought since none of us would be able to do something due to our own plights we should get you a nice job."   
  


JD stayed quiet, having no idea what everyone else was talking about as he was not included in any job search. "Yeah... sure." He added.   
  


Evan eyed JD and smiled. "I suppose I could do this... It would give me some time to create a replica of the T-virus, which I will use to infect all of you if you are lying."   
  


JD backed up and decided not to add any commentary. Josh stepped forward. "Anyway, that's settled, we'll get you that job tomorrow."   
  


Evan shrugged and stuck out her finger and drew a circle in the air, creating a ripple in reality. "I'm going to learn some more multi-verse magic. See you later." She said before stepping into the circle, disappearing.   
  


***********   
  


Evan stepped into a plain white room which she recognized as her pocket universe. *Hmm... I need some books.* she thought as she summoned a table and Sarumon's entire library and sat down to start to read, absorbing the knowledge like a veritable sponge. "This is some good shit." She thought out loud finishing the first book of minor clerical magics. "But I am gonna need more than this." She smiled and summoned a few scrolls and texts from the Slayer's universe and resumed reading.   
  


*********   
  


"Where the hell did Evan go?" JD asked, not understanding anything that had just happened.   
  


"Do wings make you stupid?" Josh pondered. "She went off into some alternate reality that she has created due to her vast and soon to be vaster magical powers. I think she is envious of our more physical powers."   
  


"But couldn't she just give herself what ever power she wanted?" JD asked.   
  


Josh shrugged. "I suppose she could. But I think that would kill the challenge for her."   
  


JD shrugged. "Whatever."   
  


**********   
  


Back in Evan's pocket universe. "Bitch!" She screamed at the five year old jusenkyo cursed form of the lesbian secretary. "Make me some food!"   
  


Evan summoned a stove and a fridge that contained its own pocket universe containing any desired food item. The five year old got to work and Evan smiled, summoning normal hot water and splashing the boy. When he was turned to a she Evan looked her over. "Not too bad." Evan smiled evilly. "Who is your master?" She asked.   
  


The girl didn't stop working and replied plainly. "You are mistress."   
  


Evan smiled more evilly. *I guess that time with the demon trainer taught her some respect... I do hope her scars are healed.* Evan kicked up her feet onto the table and set down the last of Sarumon's books and set them on fire with a small spell. *Everything is absorbed. Onto Slayers.* The servant girl then set down a tender boneless chicken breast that had been marinated with lemon juice and Italian dressing as well as a glass of red wine. *Hmm, seems that, that Gotoro fellow isn't plaguing my mind while I'm here. Must be a universal thing.* Evan thought as she thought about her obsession with a mental demon that had entered her mind when she had gotten to this universe. *Glad I didn't tell the guys. Cause a minor possession by some mental demon would make them all worried and stuff.* "Slave girl?" Evan began lightly, pushing the Gotoro subject from her mind. "What is your name?"   
  


"It is not fitting that you should call me it, but it is Catra." The Slave answered.   
  


"Interesting. But what does that have to with anything? Hmm?"   
  


Catra shrugged. "I don't know mistress."   
  


"Of course you don't." Evan chided. "But the answer is absolutely nothing."   
  


"Yes mistress." Catra responded.   
  


**********   
  


Evan returned from her pocket universe about an hour later and smiled as she reappeared in the lesbian infested city of New New York. She looked over to Josh. "Now then... where's my cushy job?"   
  


**********   
  


"Hello welcome to The Fiery Crotch let me show you to your table." Evan said as she met the lesbian couple at the door of the restaurant she was currently employed at. *I'm gonna kill you Josh.* She thought darkly. *And I know just how to punish you too.* She thought even more darkly with a very evil smile. She shocked out of her revery by a slap and a hard pinch on her ass, which was very, very, VERY exposed in her slutty maid outfit, which was the theme of the restaurant.   
  


"Hey cutey." One of the girls stated.   
  


"How bout a lap dance!?" The other one asked.   
  


Evan mock laughed at them and frowned. "How about NO!!! You fucking whore!!"   
  


Just then the boss came out of the back. "HEY!! Sabrina! Don't mess around with my business! Lap dances are free and you're NOT allowed to refuse one!"   
  


Evan muttered a very real curse on the boss's entire gene line and walked up to the customer. "Look bitch. I will give you a lap dance if you don't pinch my ass. Deal?" Evan then got slightly teary. "It hurts."   
  


The two customers laughed out loud. "How about you give me a lap dance and then I pinch your ass?"   
  


Evan frowned and pointed her index finger at the customers about to cast a Giga Slave when she remembered what she was doing this for. *Bastards.* She thought as she cast a stone skin spell on her heiny.   
  


**********   
  


Later that day Evan barged into the hotel room, ripping off her uniform and walking into her pocket dimension completely naked, much to the surprise of her slave girl Catra. "Mistress, do you require clothing?" She asked, unbuttoning her blouse half way down.   
  


"I'm ok. Just give me a massage." Catra nodded and summoned a massage table.   
  


"You've been learning the spells I left you?" Catra nodded again. "Excellent. You are a magnificent servant."   
  


Catra blushed slightly and summoned massage oils and other items to relax her mistress. "I live to serve you mistress."   
  


Evan smiled as Catra began reveling in the beauty of her own universe and the escape from insane lesbians as well as the quietly nagging Gotoro. She summoned a book of spells from the Dungeons and Dragons universe a flipped through it, relaxing in the perfection she had managed to create. *Of course the real world offers targets for my increasing powers, so I cannot rag on it just yet.*   
  


Catra smiled, glad she was pleasing her master. *She's nicer than that fucking demon thing that was in here earlier. He kicked my ass till I swore that I would serve the next occupant of this room. Man, what the hell was that about anyway?*   
  


Evan yawned and allowed her whole body to loosen up as she finished the book. *Only a few more books and I will be fucking unstoppable.* She thought with next to no emotion as though the thought of ultimate power was nothing to her. *I wonder what Blink is doing?* She thought, again not truly caring but just giving herself options of things to think about. *And Akane Jr must be like 6 or so by now. I really should head back to Ranma and check that out.* Evan motioned for Catra to stop and smiled. "Thank you, it was refreshing."   
  


Catra bowed lightly and Evan disappeared.   
  


*********   
  


Evan appeared in the middle of the Tendo dojo. "Ah, the good old days." She thought out loud walking out of the dojo and into the house. Blink, Akane and Akane Jr sat on the living room floor, playing with some barbies. Evan smiled and cast a true form spell on herself, turning herself back into the male version of Evan full with adumantium skeleton and claws to match. "Hey Blink." He said with a smile. "What's up?" Blink spun around and almost began to cry.   
  


"EVAN!!" She yelled as she lunged up and clasped herself around him, giving him the bearhugging of a life time.   
  


"Nice to... see... you..." He forced out, gasping for breath. Blink eased up, sensing her betrothed's pain.   
  


"Where have you been?" She asked, Akane Jr getting up and walking up to Blinks side, latching on to her leg. "Akane's been growing up since you left."   
  


Evan nodded and let go of his fiancé and crouching down to get a good look at his daughter. "Hey sunshine." He said with a smile.   
  


"Mommy, who is this man?" Akane asked in a tiny voice.   
  


The true Akane walked up beside Evan and actually smiled. "This man is your daddy." She said, aiming her smile at Evan. "Thanks for naming such a beautiful young girl after me Evan. It is the nicest thing you've done since you gave us that arcade."   
  


Evan smiled back, remembering the good old days when he walked into the Tendo house with no pants and a hangover. "How is the arcade doing anyway?"   
  


Akane smiled. "We are now one of the richest families in the district. Nabiki got a hold of it and made some modifications though. So everything might not be as you remember it if you decide to visit it."   
  


Evan nodded and turned back to his little girl. "I'm sorry I missed so many birthdays. But I intend to make up for them in the little time I have here."   
  


"How much time do you have Evan?" Blink asked.   
  


"About an hour. I have to help out Josh and them. Oh and Akane. Kasumi's doing fine." Evan said, noting Akane's stress when he mentioned the others.   
  


Akane breathed a sigh of relief and smiled again. "So what are we doing for all those missed birthdays?"   
  


Evan smiled and looked at Akane Jr. "What ever you want to do sunshine."   
  


*********   
  


An hour of birthdays and catching up later, Evan returned to her pocket universe and shed her male form, becoming the Elf again and sitting down on a chair that she had freshly summoned. *It was nice to catch up.* She thought as she mentally marked the date of her child's birthday, also marking down the fact that she would visit every single birthday and as many times as she could from then on. *I suppose the lesbian world awaits.* Evan thought as she reappeared on her hotel bed, Josh, JD and Kasumi just sitting around, attempting to pass the time with a few games of cards, all of which Josh seemed to have won, judging by the nudity of the other two room inhabitants. "Cut me in." Evan said, summoning another chair and telekinetically moving it up to the hotel table.   
  


Josh did so with a smile. "How was work."   
  


"Not to bad considering what I did after work." Evan said with a smile.   
  


"Some more pocket universe escapades?" Kasumi asked, signifying her last shoe as the item on the line.   
  


Evan shrugged. "For a bit, then I visited Blink and Akane Jr."   
  


Josh stopped dealing, thinking of a way to get back on his wife's good side. "How are Morden and Lilith?"   
  


Evan shrugged again. "I dunno. I didn't see them. You know, you guys are bad parents."   
  


Josh frowned, as did Kasumi.   
  


JD pointed to his pillow as his offered bid.   
  


Evan tossed a baby monitor on the table as his item of bidding. Through the monitor was heard the talking of two children, which Kasumi recognized as her own. "Momo? Lili?"   
  


"Mommy?" Came a reply in unison from the monitor. Evan smiled.   
  


"Ain't family great?"   
  


********************   
  


2 weeks later as Evan was at work and Kasumi was out Grocery shopping Josh and JD were walking down the street chatting. JD was currently wearing his Image induced form.   
  


"Hey Babe NICE ASS!" A women in a thong said as she walked by JD.   
  


"Really?" JD asked "Thanks, I like to work out, You got some nice T&A goin on yourself. Wanna go to the beach?" JD asked the woman.   
  


Josh smacked JD on the arm. "Shut up you idiot!" She then forced her male best friend to continue walking. "Dude you're wearing an image inducer. If you did anything sexual everybodied find out and you'd be back in a lab!" She whispered sternly.   
  


"Josh, this is weak, ever since I found you guys I haven't gotten even a kiss! Sometimes I wanna die!" JD said with a saddened look on her...his.....JD's face.   
  


Josh frowned and put an arm around him. "Hey man... Maybe in the next universe."   
  


JD smiled. "In the next universe we can hook up and do the naughty naughty??"   
  


"Are you talking about me and you? Cause that's wrong... I'm married." Josh and JD walked for a bit and then Josh continued. "You're cool, you'll be able to get some... hell me and Evan did and we're complete jerk offs."   
  


JD smiled and nodded. "Yeah! You're right. If you guys can get mutant chicks I can get anyone! Oh and sorry about the sex comment, It's unbelievable how horny one man can get after a year of no women." 

Josh nodded and was about to say another comforting comment to his best friend when they were both grabbed from behind and pulled into an alley. Josh's Spider sense warned her but it wasn't big enough of a threat for her to care too much. When they were thrown into a wall moments later Josh grabbed her attacker's hand and put him on the ground. "OW SHIT LET GO BITCH!!!" The man screamed.   
  


Josh was startled to realize that her attacker was actually a man. "Y...You're a man?" She wondered.   
  


The guy stood up and brushed himself off, holding his knife up in a threatening manner again. "Yeah!! Well You chicks are coming with us!" He said threateningly.   
  


"WAIT!!" JD said putting his hands up in fear. "We're women... I mean MEN too!!"   
  


The man with the knife moved closer with the knife. "Yeah I fell for that one before! Not this time ladies!" Out of fear for his life JD clicked off the image inducer like the pussy he was. This freaked the crap out of the guy with the knife and his partner, who never talked. "WOAH!! HOLY SHIT!!!"   
  


Josh then sighed and pulled out a thermos with hot water in it and splashed herself turning herself into her real form. "Yeah we're men. What are you two doing inside the city? How'd you get in?"   
  


"I could ask you the same thing Kid Chameleon. How'd you turn into a fuckin chick!?" The guy said. Josh didn't answer the man and he continued on, apparently in love with the sound of his own voice. "We're from the Male, Action, Resistance, Society, we're spies!"   
  


"M.A.R.S.?" JD said.   
  


"Spies?" Josh added.   
  


"Yeah!" The man said. "generally our job is to infiltrate the city and capture a woman or two for procreation reasons. Once the women we capture have served their purpose we kill them."   
  


Josh looked confused. "What about cloning?"   
  


"Fuck That!!" The man with the knife said as he put his knife away. "We don't have the technology they do! We have to keep our numbers up the good old fashioned way!"   
  


"Oh." JD and Josh stated together.   
  


JD looked over at the man who hadn't said anything since they met up with the duo. "What's wrong with your friend? Why doesn't he talk?"   
  


"That's Silent Bob!" He said, putting an arm around his silent compatriot. "He's the best spy in M.A.R.S. Me and him both graduated at the top of our class. Silent Bob was number one cause he never talks. Though Oral tests were a bitch."   
  


"So you are...." Josh started motioning to the loud mouthed Male rebel.   
  


The man held out a hand towards Josh. "Name's Jay! So what the fuck are you two doing in the middle of New New York?"   
  


Josh and JD looked at each other nervously. "Well... That is..." Josh started.   
  


"We're stuck here for two years." JD said. "We're living in the city until we can leave."   
  


"Yeah." Josh offered. "Our friend is working so we can live halfway comfortable."   
  


"What's you're friend's name? Does he turn into a chick for camo too?" He asked.   
  


Josh looked away a bit. "Actually he's a she... through and through."   
  


"You have chick friends!?!?!?" Jay said amazed. "Shit that's awesome... Now we've got inside contacts!!" Jay then pulled out a small radio reciever and held it out towards JD. "Here, you guys keep hanging out on the inside track... we're gonna finish our mission and head back to base to relay the good news. If you find any good information that we could use in our fight against Male oppression you just radio it in to me."   
  


Josh and JD looked down at the Radio for a moment and then looked back up to Jay and Silent Bob. "Ho do..." Josh and JD looked around the silent alley and noticed that the two men were now gone.   
  


"Crazy." JD stated.   
  


Josh nodded his silent approval. "They actually are good spies."   
  


******************   
  


Evan stood in the middle of the Fiery Crotch frowning as she seated another pair of lesbians. *Man, being surounded by lesbos was good for like ten minutes. Now it is my hell. I shall surely perish here... unless I vanquish all of them... but then I won't get money... but I won't need money... but then Josh JD and Kasumi would get mad at Gotoro and me... but Gotoro would love the destruction... Gotoro loves burning... Evan loves burning... burning is good... burn... hehehe.* Evan's subconscious laugh spilled out into the real world, unnerving nearby customers and earning her a glare from her boss. Evan stifled her laugh and continued on with her job pondering a way to kill them all and get away with it.   
  


**************   
  


Later that day Evan, JD, Josh, and Kasumi sat around the hotel table reluctantly engaging in a game of poker, which Josh was winning. Evan had accepted the incredible losses a long time ago and was playing shittly just to get the game done with. JD hadn't figured it out yet and every time he lost he screamed and ranted until his face was red. Kasumi was basically stripping for no reason. Josh started up the conversation. "So, we met up with Jay and Silent Bob today... eh."   
  


Evan shrugged. "That's nice. What are they doing here?"   
  


Josh smiled as he set down a full house, beating everyone else's hands by far. "They are spies eh."   
  


"Oh... why are you saying eh?... eh?" Evan asked, deciding to cheat next round.   
  


"I really don't know... but they gave us a radio thing... don't cheat Evan." Josh said as he dealt out the next round.   
  


Evan ignored him and made it so she mysteriously had five aces. "Cool. We should give em a call."   
  


Josh set down his hand, four aces and a joker. Evan lit her cards on fire and smiled. "Good work on that one... eh."   
  


"Yeah well... I'll call em after the game. How much money did you make today... it is your payday is it not?"   
  


"Yeah... I got like fourty bucks... which is a bunch here... they don't have inflation... so... I dunno. I'll put it up for the next round cause it all goes to the same place anyway... my drinking needs." Evan said smiling and slapping the check on the table.   
  


*************   
  


One Month later. Josh smiled as she walked into the Fiery Crotch, in the entire one month and two weeks that they had been living on this worlds she hadn't been to the place once. She chuckled at the title of the restaurant. "What a stupid name!" Josh walked inside and was greeted by Evan who looked so incredibly pissed off Josh could have sworn she was about to start slaughtering all the women in the world.   
  


That and she was muttering: "I'm gonna kill every woman in the world!" Over and over again like a mantra.   
  


Josh smiled as she waved to Evan. "Hey man how's work?"   
  


At the mention of the word 'man' the restaurant went silent and all the Lesbians turned suspiciously towards Josh. She didn't noticed and pulled out a wad of cash, waving it in front of Evan's face. "I'll have a window seat, the crab and tuna special, and three lap dances."   
  


Evan smiled at Josh's mention of Crab and tuna. "I'll seat you miss, but that area is not my section... thank god... You'll be served by the one they call... STD MAN WOMAN!!!" Evan then started rolling on the floor laughing. "Actually I'm lying. That is my section... but I could become STD MAN WOMAN!!!!... or I'll just get you your food... and posion it.... as well as ... something else... and some more bad stuff... with a cheeriy smile on top... man I'm tired."   
  


Josh frowned. "Fine. I'll just go eat at the Infested Clitoris." Josh then paused. "They got some fucked up names in this city."   
  


"If you want a good Crab and tuna special, go to the Crabby Gash. I hear its the shit."   
  


Josh shrugged and left the place. Moments after the boss that Evan worked for came up behind the elven girl, strange how nobody had noticed the pointy ears yet. "HEY! Sabrina! That's the third customer that you've driven away today! You're fired!!! Why don't you go work at some place like The Raging Hepetitus, or the Broken Hymen! I've been like a mother to you and you throw it in my face."   
  


Evan smiled and then cast a quick spell. "Yeah, well now you're infested with Aids."   
  


The boss looked frightened. "What? Nobody has had AIDs since we got rid of the men..."   
  


Evan's smile grew. "We can't have an outbreak can we? Oh no I'ma gonna have to kill you... and everyone here... Oh no...." Evan walked away and as she left, the building imploded, leaving only charred remains and Crabs, lots of Crabs. " I knew the Crab implosion spell would come in handy some time in this universe... nobody likes crabs."   
  


*************   
  


In the Ranma universe Akane Sneezed. "Someone must be talking about me." She then went back into her fantasy... "aaaah crabs."   
  


*************   
  


author's notes: {We are sadistic bastards. We have turned SI into an abomination of Fanfiction... though it has kind of taken a turn to the original. Well I still like it... anyway... here's Evan.}   
  


(Wow, that was short... anywho... we are moderately evil... with a big side of sadism... and CRABS!!!... but honestly. Who likes crabs?)   
  


{Akane}   
  


(Ok... so maybe Akane likes crabs... maybe Akane has crabs... I! AM NOT!! A PEDIFILE!!! I had to say that... Mad Tv rules! Yeah... I am emporer Evan, and the Gladiators must fight to pleaseeesseeessseee me! Who ever wins will be my bitch!)   
  


And now for a Self Insertion Omake (I basically ripped this off from Mad TV and changed the names.)   
  


Josh walked into Evan's office one day with a portfolio of his artwork.   
  


"Here take a look at this one." He said opening the folder and handing evan a drawing which was an ink blot. "I work with inkblots and generally they are very random, but mine are very specific."   
  


"So what do you call this one?" Evan asked. "This is a twisted graphic depiction of pedophelia."   
  


"Wow! You actually see pedophlia?"   
  


"Well of course. Looky here! There's a sexy smooth young boy, and that's a corrupt old pervert trying to seduce him!"   
  


"Here" Josh said. "Take a look at this one."   
  


"Now what do you call this one?"   
  


Josh smiled and sat back in his chair in the office. "I call that one settling sunset."   
  


"Oh Really!?" Evan said darkly. "I was thinking that it would be called Naked boys! Or naked boy succumbs!"   
  


Josh held up his index finger. "That's what you see senator! What I see is a calm and cool horizon!"   
  


"Don't hand me that artsy fartsy psycho babble! This painting is full of sexy young covortent young boys!"   
  


Josh frowned. "You see what you want to see senator."   
  


"And why would I want to see naked boys!?!?"   
  


Josh rolled his eyes and looked away. "Huh." Hu muttered under his breath. "You tell me."   
  


Evan then put the blot down and picked up the next one. "Oh now that's just SICK!!!"   
  


Josh growled. "That one's called puppies, puppies, and more puppies!"   
  


Evan glared at the artist. "Well why don't you call it what it is!?! Naked boys, naked boys, and MORE SWEATY DELICIOUS BEAUTIFUL NAKED BOYS!!!!"   
  


"Calm down senator." Josh said as he reached for his portfolio. "I also happen to be a classically trained artist, maybe you'll be able to appreciate this one more." With that Josh handed Evan another painting.   
  


Evan looked it over carefully. "Oh my GAWD!!! What do you call this one!?!? NAKED BOY PARADE!?!?!?!"   
  


Josh turned the painting around and glared at the senator. "Senator it's a landscape!! Where do you see naked boys!?!"   
  


"WHERE DON'T I SEE NAKED BOYS!!" Evan then pointed at a tree in the painting. "There behind the tree's a naked boy! In fact the whole tree's a naked boy!! If I didn't know any beter I'd say the entire painting's one giant NAKED BOY!!!!"   
  


"Senator please calm down!"   
  


"I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE!!!!!!!!!" 

******************   
  



	26. MARS Attacks

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Self Insertion   
  


Chapter 26   
  


M.A.R.S. Attacks   
  


Evan stood in front of the crab filled crater and smiled. "Ahhh... crabs... source for humor in every dimension."   
  


Josh just smiled. "You are getting more and more messed up. Oh yeah... and we are supposed to get info on lesbos so that Jay and Silent Bob could kick ass."   
  


Evan looked sad. "I wanna kick ass too." She said with a whimper.   
  


"I'm sure you do... but what info do you have so that we can give it to the good guys... and I emphasize guys." Josh said, smiling at her own bad joke.   
  


"Um... they dyke out all the time?" Evan offered weakly. "Or... they have orgies?"   
  


Josh shrugged. "Good enough."   
  


With that the pair walked off into the sunset.   
  


*****************   
  


JD sat on a park bench with image inducer on. *Heh heh heh.* He mentally laughed. *They all think I'm a girl.*   
  


*****************   
  


Back to Evan and Josh (The only true main characters... JD is supporting cast... he won't even get mention in credits) who were now back in their apartment due to a swift Instant Transmission by Josh. "That was quick thinking with that Instant Transmissible disease move of your Josh." Evan said to Josh, who was now in male form due to a prank from Evan involving the summoning of a Super Soaker filled with hot water.   
  


"You are a fucker. You know that right?" Josh said, sounding irritated, and rightly so.   
  


Evan smiled and opened the portal to her own dimension and slipped through before Josh could lay the smackdown. When she appeared Catra bowed deeply and summoned the usual massage table and oils as well as some incense and scented candles. *I don't know what it is about being a chick, but suddenly scented candles kick ass!* She thought as she stripped down and lay face first on the table to receive another of Catra's amazing massages.   
  


Back in the apartment Josh griped about missing the chance to lay the smackdown but shrugged it off as Kasumi entered and went into hopeless romantic mode. "Hey Kas. How was your day?"   
  


Kasumi wasn't in the mood for beating around the bush and ripped off her clothes, doing the same to Josh.   
  


*************   
  


One hour later. "Wow... that was amazing." Josh said, commenting on Kasumi's stress relief method. Kasumi nodded and rolled over and fell asleep. "Ok..." Josh said as he decided not to press the matter and follow suit.   
  


************   
  


Evan rolled onto her back and smiled. "That was great Catra. You have amazing hands."   
  


Catra blushed slightly, and nodded thanks. "I live to serve you mistress." Evan smiled and telepathically went through Catra's brain to see what she wanted to do, as a reward for her services.   
  


"You're a dirty girl." Evan muttered as she found the most pleasing one for both of them. Then rose and planted a light kiss on Catra's surprised lips.   
  


Catra pulled back. "Mistress. Why do you kiss me?" She asked, sounding innocent.   
  


"Because it is what you want." Evan said, moving in for the proverbial kill, Catra deciding to go with it as Evan's word's were the truth.   
  


***************   
  


Two moths later Josh looked confused as she looked at the walkie talkie that Jay and Silent Bob had given to her. "Y'know... I haven't heard from Jay and the Silent one for a while. Do you think something's up?" He asked Evan who was making out with some chick who was calling her mistress.   
  


Evan pushed Catra off of her and onto the floor. "Hmmm. Bob eh?.......OH YEAH!! I gave them a bunch of superior futuristic military weapons and armour... and some hardsuits from Bubble Gum Crisis..."   
  


"WHAT!!!?"   
  


**************   
  


(In the BGC universe)   
  


"AAAHHH!!! WHERE'D MY HARDSUIT GO!?!?" Nene screamed in anguish.   
  


All four of the knight Sabers ran away from the boomers, they were previously fighting, screaming as they desperately tried to cover their very nude bodies.   
  


Leon looked on in surprise as he saw some of his close (female) friends streaking. "Never thought that dream would come true." Leon then jumped out of his cruiser, tore off his clothes and ran after them. "Might as well play the rest of it out like the dream. HEY GIRLS!! I'M HORNY FOR YOU!!!"   
  


**********************   
  


Evan shrugged. "Not our problem anyway... we have to go soon." She then opened her dimensional portal and the chick stepped through.   
  


"But there's like a year and a half left!!" JD pleaded, enjoying the fact that chicks actually liked him (He is a dud when it comes to picking up... hehehe.).   
  


Josh looked slightly confused. "Did you fix the counter? Or did you lie to us about it being broken."   
  


Evan smiled. "Oh, it was broken... but I don't really need the counter... see I'm a lazy bastard and that counter reads the spell for me and uses self generated mana. I have to generate my own mana... though I have near limitless amounts of it... you know... hold onto power for power's sake? Anyway... I can make us go when I want to... so let's go." Evan shrugged again and waved a hand over the counter, which rang instantly. "I'm bored here. I need to kill things." Evan then pushed the button that opened up the portal. "Let's go."   
  


JD hesitated, but Evan telekinetically hurled him through at breakneck speed, stripping him of the image inducer and destroying it in one motion. Kasumi just walked through calmly, as did Josh. Evan smiled and summoned a small cluster of twenty N2 mines all suited with counters set for 20 seconds before walking through the portal, laughing hysterically.   
  


********************   
  


JD impacted in a soft grassy hill, leaving a JD shaped hole in it. Kasumi, Josh and Evan followed, being careful as to not step in the hole. "So... um... where the hell are we?" Josh asked.   
  


Evan shrugged and walked up to the top of the hill and came face to face with a scrawny bitch of a kid wearing a backwards baseball cap and wearing a belt that had six little red and white balls on it. "Hmm... ASS!! ASS GRABEM!!! WOW!!! YOU ARE SO DEAD!!!" Evan screamed as the boy backed up.   
  


"Wait!" He protested in a whiny bitch voice. "I'm not Ass!! I'm Ash!!!"   
  


Evan blinked twice and summoned a shotgun. "Sure you are kid." He said as he leveled off the shotgun at the kid's head. "And your grass too... oh, nice to meet you... I'm a lawnmower."   
  


"Go PIKACHU!!!" Ash screamed as he launched one of the tiny balls, which opened and created a tiny mouse that was yellow and fat.   
  


Evan smiled. "There is only one counter for that!!! COCAINE TYPHOON!!!" Evan raised a hand and a twister of white powder swirled around the rat which had to breath it in or else it would suffocate.... It got super stoned... grew dreadlocks... started listening to reggae... then overdosed... and started to choke on its own vomit. Evan decided to put the beast out of its misery and unloaded five quick shotgun rounds into it, splattering brains and bits of bone and blood all over ASS GRABEM!!!(Ash Catchum.)   
  


Ash stared in absolute horror. Josh then walked over to Evan and put a hand on her shoulder. "Please let me handle Ash... I've been wanting to for a long time!" Josh then glared at Ash evilly.   
  


Kasumi also stared in horror. "How could you kill something so cute!?!" she cried to Evan.   
  


Evan then turned to the wife of his best friend and frowned. "It's evil! Trust me on that."   
  


Josh then lifted Ash into the air with one hand and glared at the whiney little kid just as Brock and Misty came into view in the distance, just coming out of a nearby forest. Josh just simply snapped Ashs neck Steven Segaul style.   
  


Misty screamed as she and Brock ran towards their now deceased friend.   
  


"Why are you both sweaty, and why are your clothes on backwards?"JD asked as he came up behind brock.   
  


All of a sudden Brock summoned Onix, and the rock type dino started to bash Brock into a near by tree. 

Brock fell down convulsing and then summoned Vulpix and the fire fox blew a heaping ball of fire into Brocks nuts. 

Brock Died, he died good.   
  


Misty looked on in absolute horror as the Pokemon turned on their master and killed him. "What's going on!! AAAHHH!!!"   
  


JD just smiled at his friends. "Aren't Jedi Mind tricks kick ass!?"   
  


Josh frowned as he noticed Brock twitching. "He's still alive I think... KAME HAME HAAAA!!" Josh then incinerated Brock and his Pokemon, turning them into dust.   
  


Evan ran towards Misty suddenly as the red haired water pokemon user ran away. Evan threw her hand into the air and screamed. "I SUMMON YOU!!!! BOTTLE ROCKET!!!!" Evan then summoned a bottle rocket, pulled down Misty's pants and shoved it up her ass.   
  


Evan then ran away and a large bottle rocket explosion erupted, sending little Misty pieces everywhere.   
  


Josh looked surprised. "That was a big bottle rocket."   
  


Kasumi was mortified. "What's wrong with you two?"   
  


JD and Evan looked at each other "Oh were gooooood!"   
  


Josh jumped in and yelled "I HEAR THAT" Just then Josh, JD and Evan jumped up and did a high five. Kasumi sighed and walked away.   
  


Josh looked at her confusedly as she began walking away from the trio in a random direction. Josh then ran after her. "Hey Kas! What's wrong Babe?"   
  


Kasumi glared at him angrily. Josh shrunk back in fear. "You and your friends just slaughtered a bunch of innocent children!" In the background Evan and JD high fived each other and yelled 'I hear that'again.   
  


Josh grabbed Kasumi and gave her a very emotional look and began to say "Kasumi, I have something very important to tell you. I...."   
  


"What is it Josh?"Kasumi asked   
  


"Im Gay!"Josh yelled aloud and started to do a little jig and quickly changed into pink spandex.   
  


Kasumi looked up and saw JD flying over Josh laughing his ass off. Josh snapped out of it a moment later and growled at JD. "GOD DAMN STOP USING JEDI TRICKS ON US!!!!"   
  


JD Frowned as he floated in the air. "I haven't used it in a while it needed to be done."   
  


Kasumi turned into a Cheetah and ran away at 175 miles per hour. Josh just looked in sadness as her wife ran away from them. "Hey guys... maybe we should stop killing people." Josh then turned around to see JD and Evan slaughtering several random Pokemon and Pokemon trainers... among them was Gary Oak.   
  


Josh sighed and walked off in the direction of her wife.   
  


Evan walked up behind Josh and burst out laughing. "Man what the hell has Kasumi done to you Mr. Sailor"   
  


Josh turned around and shot Evan with a small chi blast at Evan's nuts. "Shut up ass hand! Kasumi's just pissed that we've been killing shit good."   
  


Just Then JD came down with a stupid dumb ass look on his face. "What's up JD" Josh asked.   
  


"Oh nothing, I just got a June bug in my mouth, Oh ya Team Rocket is comming after us." JD answered as he hit Evan with one of his wings.   
  


"Hey, do that again that was kinda soft" Evan said in a girlish, im never gonna get laid, kinda voice.   
  


"Umm Sure whatever" JD said.   
  


Josh looked confused. "Why the hell would team Rocket be after us?" He asked, yes he's in boy type form now. "And how do they even know we exist?"   
  


JD shrugged. "I was spying on them and apparently they were following Ash Catchum and saw us slaughter them all. They want us to join them and make us catch Pokemon for them."   
  


Josh chuckled. "They do know that we'd just kill their asses and kill any Pokemon that we see right?"   
  


"No."   
  


Josh then sighed. "Never mind. It's probably not a good idea to kill anyone anymore. I want Kasumi back... she'll never come back if we murder people. That and we have no idea where she is."   
  


Evan shrugged and pointed to a little device that he pulled out of his pocket universe. "I planted a tracking device on her when I was trapped in her body if that helps."   
  


Josh looked confused. "Where'd you put a tracking device on her that she wouldn't notice?" Evan just looked around suspiciously, purposely dodging the question.   
  


"He was whacking off in her body and put it in her gash." JD said.   
  


The beating ensued.   
  


******************   
  


Hours later the trio found the only hotel within a 600 mile radius, thanks to JD. Josh walked up to the person at the main desk. " Hello"   
  


The person turned around and it happened to be Nurse Betty. "Hello, how may I help you" she asked and then winked at JD.   
  


"Is there a lady named Kasumi staying here" Josh asked.   
  


"Why yes, there is, she checked in about an hour ago, she's in room 234." she answered and then licked her lips at JD.   
  


Josh moved into Nurse Betty's view. "Aren't you a nurse? Why are you working in a hotel?" He asked. (Thought we wouldn't ask eh?)   
  


Nurse betty smiled. "My patients weren't happy with the way I... treated them... while they were unconscious."   
  


Josh looked confused. "What you like, rape them or something?" The ex-nurse blushed and ran away. Josh just looked confused. "Lets go find Kasumi and get her back."   
  


Josh busted down the door and saw Kasumi looking out the window. "Look out radioactive man!" Evan yelled   
  


"Kasumi, do you have men in here, radioactive men?" Josh asked.   
  


Just then Bulbasaar came walking out of the bedroom and handed Kasumi 20 bucks.   
  


Josh looked at JD and punched him the gut. "No mind tricks." The Bulbasaur quickly disappeared. Josh then walked into the room. And sat down beside Kasumi. "Why are you so mad honey?" He asked.   
  


Kasumi just looked away   
  


Josh frowned. "Come ON! Gimme something to work with!" Kasumi turned and glared at Josh. The force of the glare was so angry and powerful and Josh was sent flying into a wall. Josh looked surprised. "Woah! She's pissed!"   
  


"YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S WRONG!?!" She screamed at Josh. Josh nodded, though his expression was that of fear, despite the fact that his powers far outweighed hers. "YOU JUST KILLED THREE LITTLE KIDS!! EVERY UNIVERSE WE GO TO YOU KILL PEOPLE!! YOU SAID IN THE LAST UNIVERSE THAT YOU'D STOP BU THE MOMENT WE GET HER YOU KILL THOSE UGLY LITTLE KIDS!!!"   
  


Josh looked upset and hung his head in shame. Evan was laughing a lot. Kasumi proceeded to turn her arm into a gun and shoot his ass through a wall with a laser. JD stood still and quiet. "I think I'll go find that nurse." With that JD left.   
  


(In this part Josh begs for Kasumi back and gets her... very emotional...NOT!)   
  


******* 

(Skipping emotional part) 

*******   
  


Evan and JD walked out of the room to allow Josh and Kasumi to 'chat'. "Hey dude?" Evan said. "Let's go kill shit."   
  


JD shrugged, took two steps and convulsed in pain. He dropped to the floor as his neck started to split open and his skin started to turn grey and rocky. Evan shrugged and walked away.   
  


**********   
  


Evan went down into the lobby to find something to massacre. "Dum di dum... nothing to kill." She said as the nurse Betty lady walked behind the counter and smiled at Evan.   
  


"Hello, do you need a room miss?" She asked.   
  


Evan shrugged. "Nope, but do you know where the largest town on this continent is?"   
  


The nurse nodded and brought out a map. "Sure."She said, pointing to a spot on the map.   
  


Evan smiled evilly and teleported to Saffron city.   
  


********   
  


JD continued to convulse and transform while Josh and Kasumi argued.   
  


********   
  


"Do do do..." Evan sang as she started to plant N2 mines at key points in the city. She then walked by some guy with a cell phone. "Hey, what's the number for the mayor's office?"   
  


"Umm... 456-7734" The guy said just before Evan summoned a bowie knife and gutted him, taking his phone.   
  


"456-7734" Evan repeated as she dialed the number. She waited until the receptionist picked up. "Hello, I want to talk to the mayor.... uh huh... uh huh... I have planted high explosives all over the city and just killed a man.... uh huh... uh huh... oh he will talk to me... ok... put him on... Hello, mayor person... do you like life?... uh huh.... ok... well... I want a napalm strike ordered on the largest concentration of pokemon... Can't be done... what if I level your city?... uh huh.... three o'clock is fine... Five planes please... napalm... uh huh... oh... and how about a thermo-nuclear detonator... can't do?... city?... boom bitch... that's what your city will do.... ok... three o'clock. Sure. Bu bye now." Evan hung up the phone and took the dead man's watch. *2... ok* Evan started whistling and walked away.   
  


*********   
  


JD stopped convulsing finally. But Kasumi and Josh continued to bitch. JD passed out from the pain.   
  


**********   
  


In a random military base. "Soldiers, we must perform a dastardly act to save the lives of millions. We must drop napalm on the largest concentration of Pokemon ever! Professor Oak's lab. What makes this worse is Proffesor Oak was not to be informed of this, so the world will lose a great scientist."The speaker paused for dramatic purposes. "Suit up men." Just then a gorgeous woman appeared and began a slow clap which nobody caught on to.   
  


"PREACH IT!!!" She screamed as the men got into their bombers. "Oh Halleluiga!! (I CAN'T SPELL)   
  


*********   
  


Back at the hotel. JD woke up and felt where the pain had started, his neck. He was surprised to find a gash of sorts. "What the hell..." JD poked and was rewarded with a spasm of pleasure. JD flung himself back onto the floor and moved around a bunch. "Whoa... that is cool." Then JD noted his hands. "What the fuck... I'm all stony... and hard... weird..." JD also noted that he now only had three fingers, but didn't say anything about that and continued to poke and prod the gash in his neck. "Sweet....." Just then Josh and Kasumi walked out of the room and noted the Gargoyle-like creature sprawled out in the hallway.   
  


"What the hell?" Josh queried. "There is a Gargoyle with a pussy in its neck!"   
  


Kasumi looked on in horror. "I think that's JD... and he's fingering himself!!!... IN HIS NECK!!!" Kasumi paused and shivered. "Ewww!" Kas then ran back into the room.   
  


Josh kicked JD and started to yell at him. "STOP MASTURBATING IN THE HALL!!!"   
  


JD paused, his fingers still in his neck. "Can I come in then? I want to... shower... or something..."   
  


Josh punched him full force in the gut, basically folding him in half. "Ouch. That sorta hurt." He noted as JD flew through the floor and the next floor, and the next floor, and then 10 feet into the Earth.   
  


**********   
  


Back with Evan. "3 o'clock." she said as she sat about a quarter mile from the napalm site, N2 trigger in hand. She was rewarded with the sound of jets over head and within minutes Oak's house was burning. "WHEE!! THIS IS SWEET!!!" She nonchalantly pressed the N2 trigger and cocked an ear in the direction of Saffron. "Oops... I think I hear destruction." she then summoned a bag of marshmallows and a stick and wandered up to the blaze and started to cook marshmallows on chemical fire. Evan then began to sing. "Roasting mallows on a chemical fire... over the ashes of Oak... and the largest concentration of Pokemon in the known world!" She sighed and leaned back in a summoned chair. "This is the life." She said as she ate her first mallow and spat it out. "Eww. Chemical fire doesn't taste good... or does it...." Evan pondered this for a second and summoned the mother of all mashmallow roasting sticks, put the entire bag of mallows on it and continued to sing... with aid of a summoned Dwarf... who was nailed to a post... so he didn't escape.   
  


********   
  


JD flew up to where Josh was with his feathery wings, which were the only things that stayed the same. Josh chuckled. "Heh heh. You look like some sort of Pokemon fetish reject."   
  


"Shut up!!!" JD whined in a super whiny bitch voice.   
  


Josh smiled. "It's true though!!"   
  


Just then a large mecha smashed through the roof, shrunk down into the shape of a girl and got up revealing Evan. "Hey! Guess what I just did!?!" Evan said with a big smile on her face.   
  


Josh sighed. "Thretened to blow up Saffron city with N2 mines unless they take out Oak's lab with Napalm and then do so anyway once they bomb him?" Josh offered.   
  


Evan looked confused. "I guess I made the news..." Evan pondered some more. "But I didn't leave anyone alive... HOW DID YOU KNOW!!!"   
  


"How long have we been traveling together?"   
  


"Point."   
  


Evan blinked and looked at JD confused. "What the hell is THAT!?!" she said pointing at the feathery winged gargoyle with the vagina on it's neck.   
  


"A feathery winged gargoyle with a vagina on it's neck." Josh said. "I figured it was obvious."   
  


"OHHHH!!"   
  


"It's JD." Josh said without emotion.   
  


"... ... .........OHHHHHH!!!!" Evan stated... finally getting it.   
  


JD looked rather peeved. "You guys suck!"   
  


Evan laughed incredibly loud, fell on the floor and rolled around. "SUCK!!! HA HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"   
  


Josh smiled. "Yes it is rathah humorous isn't it?" He said in a bad British accent, making him seem like 007, played by Pierce Brosnan... Bad... British accent. Very bad. So bad.   
  


Evan suddenly stopped laughing. "Pip pip. Charah, tea time! BOH GOB!!!.... let's go to Ranma-verse.."She then opened a temp portal... like the ones in Diablo... you know... those ones... And they went... the blue portals...   
  


Josh, Kasumi, JD, and Evan then jumped into the portal.   
  


*****************   
  


The portal to Ranma-verse opened up moments later and the group fell through and landed on the grounds of the Kuno estate. It was nighttime. Jd was kneeling and then looked up at the moon. "Hmm." He then turned to stone.   
  


Josh also looked at the moon, his pupils began to dilate and Evan noted that He had a TAIL! "OH SHIT!!"   
  


Josh then looked down at his tail and blinked. "Oh bad..."   
  


Evan, thinking quickly fired a magic missile at Josh's ass, knocking the tail off. "Oh thank god." she said as Josh's eyes returned to normal. Kasumi was oblivious.   
  


"What just happened?" She asked.   
  


Evan shrugged it off and began to hum as she walked in the direction of the Tendo dojo, chanting something.   
  


Josh looked at JD and then noticed Kuno blabbing about something that he could not decipher. "Hey Upper classman Tatewaki kuno! Could I ask... um thou a favor?"   
  


Kuno unsheathed his bokken. "What wouldst though wanteth with the great Blue Thunder?! What wouldst thou givest in returneth?" {Or something like that.}   
  


Josh smiled. "I'll get you a date with the pigtailed girl."   
  


"Deal."   
  


Josh smiled. "Okay... all I want you to do is guard this statue. I'll be back tomorrow to pick it up."   
  


"Verily. Thine bargain be worthy of mine attention. Wait. What be this on the neck of yon Gargoyle? Tis soft while all else is hard." Josh wasn't listening. He'd already spun a webline and started swinging towards the Tendo dojo. With Kasumi flying beside him as an eagle.   
  


**************   
  


The next day.   
  


JD woke up on the Kuno's lawn. "My neck feels funny."   
  


**************   
  


Author's notes: {Well that's the end of chapter 26. Yes We will explain why JD has such a condition.}   
  


Evan is not here right now.   
  


[yeah, these guys are bastard heads...dankie dakin dank....shout outs to Brian from Fanshawe!!!]   
  
  
  


Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com 

Evan McNeely: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com 

JD: seifer_2@hotmail.com   
  


  
  


yay. 


	27. In the heat of the night

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Self Insertion

Chapter 27

In the heat of the night

JD shook his head again as he entered the Tendo dojo. "God my neck feels like crap!" He complained. A moment later he got hit in the face with a dumbbell. He flew backwards and landed on his back. "Ow." He muttered, noting the stinging sensation on his face.

"You got him pretty good Akane." Nabiki stated nonchalantly.

"What the hell is that thing!?!" Akane screamed as she prepared another dumbbell for the tossing. Josh suddenly came up behind the girl and grabbed the makeshift weapon from the girls hands.

"Hold up there princess." He stated. "That's JD. He kind of went through a bit of a transformation in the last universe that we were in." 

JD lifted himself off of the floor. "Yeah. What's up with that anyway? What could have possibly made me like this?" He wondered.

Josh looked thoughtful as the sounds of Evan and Blinks lovemaking drifted from upstairs. "Weeell." Josh started. "Those lesbians were experimenting on you for a bit... and they were very technologically and scientifically advanced." He said.

"So you think those sex fiends did this to him?" Kasumi asked. 

Josh just nodded. "They were probably trying to find a way to change men _into_ women."

"That explains the vagina on my neck. What about the stone skin?" JD asked.

"You have a vagina on your _NECK!?!_" Akane asked shocked.

Josh ignored the chick. "Maybe they were trying to find a new biological chemical weapon to use against men. Perhaps they were trying to turn them into mindless gargoyles as slaves."

"Comforting." JD stated sarcastically.

"The vagina doesn't look too bad." Akane started. Everyone continued to ignore her.

"Yeah they probably got it backwards, thus why you turned into stone during the night instead of the day." Evan said as he came downstairs with his clothes on backwards.

"I thought you were a chick for good." Josh asked, turning to meet his best friend.

Evan shrugged. "It's a very temporary spell that I discovered in Lord of the Rings." Just then Evan turned back into a chick. "Yep there it goes." 

Josh nodded. "Ah well there's not a whole lot any of us can do about your situation JD." he said with a shrug. 

"I probably could." Evan added in.

"Well fix me!" JD said with a growl.

Evan frowned. "Nah! This is more humorous. Besides... a vagina on your neck! Not evan _I_ could have come up with something that beautifully evil!!" 

"I think it's cute." Akane added in.

The room went silent for a few seconds and then Evan just slapped her. 

Josh suddenly instant transmissioned out of the presence of his friends and came back a moment later with a glass of water. He then splashed JD who turned into a five year old version of himself. He was evan all gargoyle-esque still. "Ah ha! So you _do_ still have your curse!"

Just then Ranma entered the room. "Another curse?... Ah ferget it me and Ryoga are going out for some beers." He then left to go find Ryoga.

Evan smiled. "Ah I've taught them well in the ways of alcohol." 

Akane leaned down and took little five year old JD into her arms. "Aww! He's so cute!" She then poked the vagina on his neck. "Ooooh it's so soft!" Josh then yanked the child from Akane's hands and held it away.

"PUT ME DOWN DAMN IT!!" JD screamed as he thrashed around in the spider powered saiyans grip.

"I don't want you going near my children." He said to the tomboy chick... Akane.

Akane sighed. "Darn!"

Josh turned to Evan. "Tell Blink that she's Morden and Liliths Godmother and to keep her away from my children."

Evan smiled. "Alright!! That's good news!" Evan then cast True form on herself turning her back into normal Evan. "That means SEX for EVAN!!" He then skipped up the stairs.

Josh shrugged. "Whatever." he then smiled and turned to Kasumi. "We should go see them."

Kasumi nodded. "Yeah. They're growing up so quick and their so cute!"

Josh nodded. "Yeah they'll have very interesting lives. Though I worry for Morden... having pink skin could ruin a man. Lilith's green skin won't be too much of a problem... but pink!"

Kasumi nodded. "Poor Mo-mo."

*****************

the next week.

"BLEEEAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!"

Josh looked disgusted. As JD barfed... again... for the eighth time that morning. "Man you really must be sick!! I haven't seen you slaughter Pokemon all day today and yesterday! Evan's doing all the work for you."

"I don't know what it is." JD moaned pitifully. "This happened after we got out of Ranma-verse! This couldn't be from slaughtering cute lil fluffy things."

"That's true." Josh said as he pulled out a bottle of saki from the mini bar in the hotel that they were currently staying at.

"When's Kasumi gonna be back with that stomach medicine?" JD muttered weakly as he looked up from the toilet for a brief moment.

"It should be a little while longer. She's also picking up Groceries." The Jusenkyo cursed, martial artist, Spider powered, Saiyan replied.

JD groaned. "Why don't you just teleport over to the drug store and get it?" 

"Cause I'm having a drink!" Josh stated. JD groaned. "Maybe we should go back to Ranma-verse and see Dr. Tofu." 

"YES!! I've been puking my guts out fr, urp, oh god, here it goes agai-BLEAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHH!!!!" 

"Ew."

****************

Evan frowned as he Josh, Kasumi, and the sick JD stepped through the temporary portal to the Ranma ½ universe. "What's the rush!! Just give him some damn advil or something!"

Josh frowned at his friend. "We tried that already it's only very temporary." 

Evan continued to mope. "Yeah well why couldn't we have stayed in Pokemon and seen a doctor there? It'd save me the energy."

Josh looked at Evan as though he was the biggest idiot in the world... "Have you not noticed the way JD looks currently? He'd scare the crap out of most normal doctors. There's only one doctor that's this used to weird stuff happening."

Kasumi smiled. "You're talking about Tofu sensei aren't you?"

Josh nodded. "If anyone would know what to do it would be Tofu... though I hadn't seen him in a long time... if ever."

Kasumi smiled. "I used to have a crush on the doctor. He never made a move though so I moved on." She then linked onto Josh's arm. "And I couldn't be happier!"

Josh just smiled and they all continued on to Tofu's clinic.

*****************

Josh smiled as he entered the clinic. "HEY!! Is the doctor in?"He called. JD picked up a nearby trash can and hurled in it. Josh then sat down in the waiting room. "I guess we'll just wait here." he offered, Kasumi sat down next to him and Evan passed out on the floor for some reason.

Kasumi smiled happily as she leaned on Josh and he put an arm around her. "Evan sure is strange." Kasumi said.

Josh chuckled and deftly moved his head out of the way of the shuriken that his spider sense warned him of. "Strange doesn't even begin to describe that nut case." Josh then noticed the shuriken that was imbedded in the wall between him and Kasumi. "Hey!" Josh then looked over in surprise at the origin of the small throwing weapon.

"T... T... TOFU!?!" Kasumi gasped in shock.

Tofu's aura was flaring as he stood in the doorway of the clinic, his glasses glowing a deep red. "At last!" He started. "At last you've shown your face coward!! I've waited long to confront you! NOW PREPARE TO DIE!!"

Josh looked around. "Um... are you talking to me?"

Tofu was jostled a bit at the question. "Wha!? OF COURSE I'M TALKING TO YOU!!" Tears then began to stream down his face. "You stole the only thing that had ever mattered to me! You stole MY ONE TRUE LOVE!!"

Kasumi then pointed to herself. "Are you talking about me Doctor?" 

Tofu nodded. "I've loved you as long as I can remember Kasumi! You're all that I've ever cared about! But I could never bring myself to tell you!!"

Josh shrugged. "All's fair in love and war Tofu. I'm in love with Kasumi as well. The difference is between us is that I had the guts to tell her! Don't act so childish!" 

Tofu's aura flared to even greater lengths. "I'm not just a gentle doctor 'JOSH'!! I also happen to be a practitioner of several styles of martial arts, and deadly shiatsu techniques!" 

"Please go easy on him sweety. It wouldn't be a good idea to kill a doctor." Kasumi said to Josh.

Josh nodded. "Okay dear. I'll just restrain him and force him to help out JD." Josh then looked over to JD. "I'll make it quick... the trash can is overflowing." Josh then stood up and jumped to the ceiling.

Tofu didn't even question the strange ability to stick to the roof, instead he sent several shuriken hurling towards him with deadly speed and accuracy. "DIE!!" 

Josh frowned as he jumped out of the way and onto one of the walls. Tofu continued to press his attack, changing his tactic to that of acupuncture needles. Josh easily jumped out of the way and continued to evade the man's every attack. "Why don't you FIGHT BACK!?!?" Tofu screamed as Kasumi sat by watching pleasantly.

Josh shrugged as he dodged everything that the man could throw at him. Josh smiled once the Martial artist doctor went back and began repeating his moves. *Time for close quarters!* He thought in his mind, while moving closer to the doctor, using a very low level of martial arts skill on the man, but staying just a little bit more on the upper hand, yet keeping on the offensive.

Once the doctor had used his every move and began repeating everything he'd used before in different combinations, Josh moved in and flicked the man in the nose, sending him flying through a wall. "Josh smiled. I like your fighting style Tofu... it may come in handy some time."

Tofu regained consciousness. And Kasumi walked over to her former crush and helped him up. "Can you calm down now please Tofu? I need your help with a friend." 

Tofu hung his head. "Anything for you Kasumi." he said, not being able to resist a request from the woman he loved.

Kasumi smiled. "Our friend here... the gargoyle... with the feathery wings... has been throwing up every morning non-stop... we don't know what to do about it." 

Tofu looked confused and leaned over to look past Kasumi to see the stony gargoyle throwing up something that looked like... a cat. "That is the strangest thing I have ever seen."He muttered. "This could be interesting." 

*****************

Josh, Kasumi, and a passed out Evan sat in the waiting room for about two hours when Tofu came out with a clipboard. "What seems to be the problem?" Kasumi asked. 

Tofu looked incredibly confused as he looked over the results of the blood test he had just performed on the gargoyle. "Well... I did a few tests and I got some very... VERY strange results."

"Okay _and?_" Josh asked.

Tofu glared at Josh. "Normally I'd be finding this kind of result on a female."

Josh rolled his eyes. "We already know about the vagina."

"He's pregnant." Tofu finished.

The room fell _very_ silent just then, you could hear a cricket from a mile away. "Normally I'd break out laughing." Evan stated.

Josh jumped a bit. "AAAH!!! When the HELL did you wake up!??!" 

Evan smiled, "Just now. As I was saying, normally I'd bust out laughing, but this... this is just sick!" 

Josh frowned. "Wait a minute... if JD's pregnant..."

"He would have had to have sex with..." Evan followed up on.

"Another..." Kasumi continued.

The waiting room trio then all pitched in together. "MAN!!!"

Just then JD came out of the examination room. "So guys... did Tofu tell you anything about what's wrong with me?" JD suddenly became pale at the many evil glares the befell him.

"Is something wrong? Guys? Stop looking at me like that." JD whimpered in fear.

Josh walked forward and noticed a large lump on the back of JD's neck. "Hey when did this thing get here?" he asked as he touched the strange lump. Josh then jumped back as though he'd just put his hand in white fire. "AAAH!!! THAT'S NASTY!!! IT KICKED ME!!! IT KICKED ME!!! GROSSGROSSGROOOOOSS!!!!!!!!!"

"That would be the baby." Tofu said, "It's a girl."

JD then freaked out.

***************

Josh frowned as he looked over the Tendo dojo which was filled with, virtually, the entire Ranma ½ cast. Tofu was going around taking small vials of blood from all the males. 

Josh frowned as he looked around at the men. "Okay! Now, JD here is pregnant... he became pregnant about a week ago while he was in a rock like state, thus he had no willing participation in the sexual confrontation."

JD just then came to a frightening realization. "Oh GOD!! I've been RAPED!"

Evan chuckled. "Heh, that rhymed."

Josh smiled and continued. "We're just trying to figure out who the... father is."

About five minutes later after Tofu came out of his portable lab with a result sheet of the DNA tests. He then gave it to Josh while glaring at him. "I'm done."

Josh smiled. "Thanks toe poo." Josh then held up the list and smiled. "Okay... Shampoo, and all the other girls are not the father. You can go."

Ukyo frowned. "I would have thought that was obvious!"

All of the girls left except for Kodachi. Josh smiled. "Okay, Kodachi, Ryoga, Happosai, Ranma, Mr. Tendo, Mr. Saotome, Evan, JD, me, Mousse, Pantyhose, Adam West, and Ryunosuke are all not the father." Everyone moved out of the way and the only person left was...

Kuno.

Josh smiled. "The father Of JD's baby girl is... Upper class man Tatewaki Kuno, otherwise known as the Blue Thunder of Furinkan high... CONGRATULATIONS!!!"

Kuno looked confused. "There appears to be a gargoyle standing beside you." 

JD then leapt forward towards kuno with his claws aiming for his boys. "DIE!!!!!!!!" 

Kuno was too slow, JD ripped out his balls then his jugular vein.

JD walked to Josh and wiped his bloody claws on Josh. "Hmmm.... Should have kept him alive, I could have gotten some child support from the bastard."

JD walked back over to Kuno and reached into his pocket and pulled $400,000,000 Yen. "This should do for now." JD then kicked Kuno in the face.

JD looked back at Josh and saw that he was sticking his leg into a vending machine while clucking like a chicken and yelling "WOOF WOOF WOOF Im a big gay homo who likes it in the ass!"

Just then Evan came up behind JD and slapped the place where the baby was. "Stop with the mind tricks jack ass, even though it IS pretty funny.....vagina neck."

"Pfft Fine! DON'T LET ME HAVE FUN....dank." JD said before walking out the door and flying away while making Evan seem like he was doing a cheeta in da butt.

Josh smiled.

*************

Later on... back in the Pokemon Universe Evan opened up the portal to the next universe and they all jumped through.

The foursome woke up to the annoying sound of. "The self-destruct sequence has been activated you have 3:00 minutes remaining all staff please evacuate."

"H-O-L-Y-----S-H-I-T!" Three boys screamed realising what was going on.

"What, what is it Josh?" Kasumi asked Josh with a worried expression on her face.

"The self destruction sequence has been activated!" he stated. The other three just looked at him.

"We know." JD said.

"Yeah." Evan continued. He then looked around. "This place looks familiar."

Just then a gun shot went off and ricocheted off of the floor, hitting Josh in the chest. "Ow that stings." The foursome of dimensional travellers looked up to see a bandaged up police officer like looking person, with brown hair and slim features.

"Hey that looks like Leon Kennedy from Resident Evil 2." Evan stated.

All of a sudden a panel in the room above started to bend down with heavy sounding metallic crashes. Moments later William Birkin burst through the roof in his type two mutation. The foursome moved over to where Leon was as Birkin throbbed on the ground and mutated further. "Hey Leon, hows it going?" Evan asked.

Leon was breathing heavily and seemed very frightened. As he moved the gun back and forth between the four people, especially the gargoylesque JD. "WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE!?!?!" He screamed.

Josh smiled. "I'm Josh, this is Evan, Kasumi, and JD." He said pointing to each of his group mates respectively. The mutated Birkin began to run towards the five people. 

"MOVE!!!!" Leon bellowed to the people in front of him, pointing his gun at the incoming Tyrant.

Josh turned around and fired a ki blast that completely incinerated the Tyrant type three. He then turned back to Leon. "Hey! I was talking! Don't interupt!"Leon then began to back up. 

"Who are you people? Are you from Umbrella!? WHAT ARE YOU!!!" He then pointed at JD with his gun. "ESPECIALLY YOU!!"

Leon then fired the gun but nothing happened. Josh moved forward and Leon shot another seven times at him. Josh grabbed the gun a crushed it. He then handed all of his bullets back to him, the ones that he caught using the Tenshin Amaguriken. "Here. Can we finish this conversation on the train?"

Leon looked confused. "Wha? What the... are you?"Josh then grabbed Leon and dragged him over to the rest of the group... he then instant transmissioned away.

******************

Evan looked around on the train. "Resident Evil 2." She said in a ominous voice.

Claire and Leon stared at the group as JD started to compulsively rub the back of his neck only to be reminded of the baby. "Who are these people Leon?" Claire asked, holding her Italian model pistol at head level with the gargoyle. 

Leon was still in shock. "Josh, Evan, Kasumi, and Jd..." He said in monotone.

Claire looked surprised. "They are survivors?"

Leon just stared at the group as Claire holstered her pistol. Evan smiled and walked up to Claire. "Hello, I am zee fornenenication diplomatical person from Uranus. I'm here to find klingons... seen any?"

Claire followed Leon's lead and stared. Shelley walked up to JD and poked him. "Hey mister? What are you?"

JD turned to face the little girl. "I am a human you snotty nosed bitch! NOW FUCK OFF!!!"

Claire pulled out her pistol and fired the contents of its clip at JD, knocking little pieces of rock off of the gargoyle. "Get away from her you monster!!"

JD growled. "I told the bitch to fuck off!! That's all." 

Everyone went silent and Evan fought the urge to slap the crying Sherry.

*******************

Josh frowned as he watched the explosion in the distance as the Umbrella factory exploded and took out a good chunk of Racoon city. "Well this was a bad time to come into this universe... I mean... what are we gonna do for entertainment now that the story for RE2 is over?"

Leon walked over to Josh and put a hand on his shoulder. "Now that that's all over would you mind telling we what you were doing in that factory and how you did all that stuff?" He asked.

Claire nodded as she moved towards the group, leaving Sherry with Kasumi. "Yeah, and what's this Resident Evil thing that you've been talking about the whole time? How do you know so much about Umbrella and their experiments?"

Evan smiled, checking out Claire's firm, shapely derriere. "We're From several other dimensions and the situation that you and Leon were in just now was a video game in our world." She said.

Claire looked confused. "Other dimension?" Claire's expression then became one of anger. "Listen lady! I've just been through countless hours of running from zombies and other mutated undead creatures! I don't want to hear a made up story that you came up with on the fly just because you don't want to tell us anything!"

Evan frowned. "I'm a man!... Or at least I used to be."

JD smiled. "Actually Claire... he's telling the truth. If you've been through countless hours of undead battles would dimensional travel really seem all that strange?" 

Claire growled. However she didn't have anything to back her anger up with and sighed. "Whatever... we still have to put an end to Umbrella... this probably isn't the only incident like this."

Josh shrugged. "Sure whatever... could be fun." just then Josh convulsed in pain. "Ahh!! CRAP!!! Something's hurting!! Ow." All of a sudden two more sets of arms burst out of Joshes sides and he began to change and get really hairy, with mandibles and he got more eyes. After the transformation the pain stopped and Josh looked down at him self. "Well this sucks!"Josh then glared at Evan which was scary now cause he was all like a spider. "Evan you did this didn't you?"

Evan looked Josh over. "Actually I didn't... But I sure wish I did!!" Evan then burst into laughter, but was cut short by a sharp jabbing pain in her left side. "Oh fucky doo." Evan grimaced as she felt her soul being slowly tugged out of her body. Evan then fell flat on her face and according to Josh's new hyper developed senses was quite dead.

Josh frowned and pulled out a note pad with one set of arms and then wrote down, "That's 2."

Sherry frowned. "Shut up dank." Everyone stared at the little girl.

"Sherry?" Claire and Leon asked in unison.

"Oh, hi Evan." JD said nonchalantly.

Kasumi leaned over. "Why'd you die again Evan?" She asked concerned. "And did you turn my husband into a giant monster Spider? If you did I'm gonna have to give you a spanking and put you in the corner." 

"I don't know if that was a threat or not." JD said. "Cause that turned me on!"

Josh glared at him. "Don't make me poison you."

Sherry smiled. "All the ladies can spank me! Esept the hairy one. She's ugly." Sherry then did a booty dance. "You ugly, you ugly. Uh huh, uh huh, you ugly." She sang.

JD frowned. "That just looks wrong."

Josh frowned and bitch slapped Evan. "Yeah! Stop that. JD's gonna turn into a pedofile if you keep it up."

Sherry made little scared baby eyes. "Oh no, gargoyle rape. Oooh dats not good."

JD paused, glared at the group and screamed. "I!!! AM NOT!!!! A PEDOFILE!!!!"

Sherry smiled. "Naked boys, naked boys and more sweaty glistening naked boys, eh JD?"

JD looked sad.

Josh then turned around and noticed Claire and Leon where both pointing their guns at them again. "Oh zip it up! You're gonna blow your load for nothing."

Leon looked cautious. "How do I know you're not faking it?"

Josh shrugged. "Who cares! I'm virtually invincible anyway! Shoot!" 

Evan pushed her way past Josh and gave Claire goo goo eyes. "You... wouldn't shoot me... would you Claire?" She asked, really sounding convincingly frightened. 

Claire faltered and dropped her aim, turning away. Leon's aim seemed to falter as well. Then Sherry bum rushed the bastards, stealing Claire's gun and sadly attempting to aim it, let alone hold it and was only able to pull of one shot, which sent her flying backwards. The shot ricocheted off JD's balls and hit Josh in the forehead. Josh stumbled around for a second seeming dazed but overall unscathed. JD didn't even notice. 

"Huh? Did someone shoot something?" the gargoyle of the group queried. 

Evan rubbed her forearm and held the pistol loosely. "Yeah, I was gonna hold these bastards at bay with a warning shot, but your testicles got in the way... kinda odd I'd hit something so small with my pussy girl aim. Ain't that right Claire? EH? EH!?!"

Claire was still in shock from Sherry's bold action. "What's gotten into you Sherry? You seem like someone else."

Sherry slapped her forehead with her good arm. "Well duh!! I'm that elf woman folk from before who inexplicably dropped dead for reasons unknown. I guess they don't make elves like they used too..." Sherry then walked over to the dead elf and started to poke it with the barrel of the gun. "It's really weird to poke your own dead body, you know?" Sherry then giggled and continued to poke.

Josh shrugged. "Hey Evan.. How bout you open up the portal to the next universe? I'm bored."

Sherry nodded. "No problem!"Evan then waved her tiny little arm through the air and paused. "Problem." 

Josh sighed "What is it?"

Evan looked over with tears streaming down her face. "I've got no powers any more!" 

****************

author's notes: {Well we're progressing the story of SI now... yeah there is a story. It's just VERY suttle, among the hurting, and the killing, and high jinx, and WO HYVEN!! Any vay. We're going somewhere later on that's going to make everything seem better... but then, someone won't be satisfyed and will want to continue the trip, and gain power... but THEN!!!... I leave you hanging.}

(Don't believe the spider man! Or the five year old... man I am pathetic now... but isn't it funny!!! I died again.. Hehehehe!! DEAD!! DEADDEADDEADDEAD!!! or as a old lady in a cellar would put it. DEAD BY DAWN!! DEAD BY DAWN!!! An old man did that too... but that's not the point now is it? Anywho, I think this is suiting as I was becoming a veritable God of magic... which just isn't as fun as a little five year old wussy girl... yes, those precious little girly fingers... nevermind that.... bye.)

{Once again JD is not here... We might kill him off like we did Paul. *sigh* Damn third parties.}

(Ah Paul, we'll miss you, but our aim is improving as Six D Four would have it... sides, Rain hit him just fine. Maybe her crippled ass came stop by for a cameo with anti gargoyle spray that she borrowed from Adam West... he's got everything!)

Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com

Agasaki Ishano: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com

JD... ah screw him.

But it's not like anybody will visit it but some old ass Bulgarian dude... it's true an old Bulgarian wants to write a novel with me! He's like 48 and a diploma Chemist! OLD ASS!! DAMN!


	28. Back To Basics

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Self Insertion

  


Chapter 28

  


Back to the basics

  


Josh looked down at Sherry Birkin whose body was now inhabited by the spirit of Evan with shock and denial. "What did you just say?" 

  


Sherry, now constantly waving her hands trying to conjure something, _anything_ up and crying, repeated her previous statement. "I've got no powers anymore."

  


JD looked a little confused. "What do you mean no powers?"

  


Sherry leapt forward and grabbed onto JD's shorts angrily. "IT MEANS I'VE GOT NO MAGIC LEFT!!! I CAN'T CAST ANY SPELLS!! I CAN'T FIRE LIGHTNING!!! NOTHING!!! I'M JUST A WIMPY LITTLE GIRL!!!" she screamed at the rocky gargoyle with the feathery wings.

  


Josh smiled. "Well we still got me for protection. I've got my Spider powers and I probably still got Saiyan abilities. So despite my grotesque new appearance I'll be able to keep us alive."

  


JD frowned. "What about me? I've got stone skin and martial arts!"

  


Josh put a hand on JD's shoulder. "Hey. You're going to be a mother soon... that's not a great condition to be fighting zombies in." Josh then walked away and stood beside Kasumi. 

  


JD frowned more and grumbled under his breath. "Mother my ass... stupid head."

  


Kasumi looked up at Josh and looked a little downtrodden. "I can't say I like the new look sweety."She said, referring to her husband's new grotesque Spider like appearance. 

  


Josh shrugged. "You should try being in this body... having more than one set of eyes is so incredibly trippy." He then looked over to Evan again. "How long do we have to wait on the timer?" He asked the small child.

  


Evan walked over to his previous body, which was the dead female elf, and started rifling through her clothes. She smiled as she came upon the timer and pulled it out. Sherry looked the small device over and frowned. "Let's just say we're here for a while."

  


Josh Shrugged and began walking in the direction of Racoon city. "Where are you going?"Claire asked the large Spider person.

  


Josh looked back and smiled. "_We_ are all going back to Racoon city to save it from being infested with zombies. That means you and Leon too.

  


Claire shook her head. "I'm sorry but I've got to find my brother Chris. That's why I was even here in the first place." She said sullenly. "I don't have time to hunt zombies."

  


Josh frowned. "Well one; Chris is currently hunting zombies, and two; You don't have a choice. Same with you Leon."

  


Sherry, JD and Kasumi all ran towards Josh and began to walk with him towards the city. Leon and Claire just stood there. Claire held out a hand to the retreating group. "Sherry! You're not going with them are you?"

  


Sherry nodded. "Yes... I'd rather go kill some zombies than sit around, or play hide and go seek with my brother." She then muttered under her breath. "You fuckin moron."

  


Claire sighed and walked towards the group. Her mind more concerned with Sherry's safety rather than her brothers. Chris could take care of himself, Sherry was just a little girl, and the spider man, and the gargoyle didn't look all that trustworthy. 

  


"Fine I'll go with you." she stated.

  


Josh smiled. "Now how about you Leon? You wanna be a hero or a wussy ass cop who couldn't cut it?" Leon just sighed and walked towards the small group. "That's what I thought." Josh said with his weird Spidery smile.

  


***********************

  


Carlos frowned as he ran after Jill calling out her name trying to get her to stop running for a second so that they could talk for a few seconds. She had just encountered the huge beast that had been following her and decided against fighting the trench coat clad monstrosity. "JILL!" No response. Suddenly he stopped running after her as she stopped in her tracks and just stared ahead of her. Carlos already had his pistol out and ready as he slowly stalked towards the S.T.A.R.S. member. She had been about to turn a corner and now she had a look of fear on her face as she stared at the darkness. His eyes grew wide as he suddenly saw the figure that came out of the shadows of the alleyway. "Jesus another one?" 

  


Josh smiled as he looked down at the frightened Jill Valentine who only now drew her gun to defend her self. Josh quickly disarmed her and put the gun in one of his pockets for later. It was at that moment that he felt a stinging pain at the side of his head. "Ow." He said as he looked in the direction of Carlos. "That's annoying."

  


Jill stared in silent horror as the maddeningly hideous creature disarmed her and took two bullets to the head only to say ow. "Oh my god it talks!"

  


Josh looked down at the STARS girl and frowned. "It!?" He said angrily. "I'll have you know I'm sort of human... but I'm better than you... so THERE!! Fuckin ungrateful bitch. I just saved your ass!"

  


Just then a little girl about the age of eight years old came up in front of the creature and started kicking him in the shins. "Would you stop fucking scaring the crap out of people!? You're wasting valuable zombie killing time!"

  


Just then Evan was jerked out of the way by two feminine arms and Josh was shot in the head again, three more times. "OW!! Again with the head!" 

  


Evan growled and bit Jill's arm, forcing her to let go. She then ran over to Josh's side and stuck her tongue out at Jill. "Do that again and I'll scream rape."

  


Just then two more people came out from behind the monster. "Where were you sweety?" The one girl asked. 

  


The male frowned as he snapped another clip into his hand gun. He had a R.P.D vest on. "Yeah." he continued for the girl, who took hold of one of the creature's many hands. "That thing in the trench coat came after us again. I spent an entire clip on it and Kasumi threw it across town for th third time today. I'd swear there was more than one of those things around." 

  


Kasumi nodded. "Yes I'd have to agree... it seems to find it's way across the city awfully fast." 

  


Josh shrugged. "Okay so it's got a couple friends. Evan's viral breakdown nanotech laser that he made will take care of those no problem."

  


"Excuse me!" Came a female voice.

  


The small group looked over to see Jill and Carlo standing there in the alley. Carlos had his pistol trained on Josh's head and Jill had pulled out a shotgun that she had strapped to her back, which she also pointed at Josh. "What's up Jill?" Josh responded. 

  


Jill frowned at the creature with the three sets of arms. "What's going on here? Why are you three hanging around this creature, and how the hell does that thing know my name!?!" She demanded. 

  


Josh shrugged. "That's a little long of a story...there's a brain sucker on the wall behind them."Josh said, pointing. The little girl quickly jumped to action and zapped the stalking creature with a little device that she had strapped to her arm with velcro. The undead creature on the wall quickly fell to it untimely demise as it was eaten away by some sort of Viral zombie eating repellant.

  


Evan skipped around with glee as she watched the rotting carcass of a creature disintegrate into nothingness. Josh smiled, an action that was quite disconcerting to Jill. "As I was saying. "Why don't we go get some coffee while we discuss this matter. We'll be safe for the time being." Jill reluctantly nodded and walked with the mysterious group. Never once taking her shotgun off the creatures midsection.

  


**************

  


Jill Valentine took another sip of her coffee, as she tried desperately to shut out the sound of the moaning zombies outside of the blocked off diner. "So let me get this straight." the ex-thief started. "You, the little girl, and that fluffy winged gargoyle are travelers from another dimension and have decided, on a whim, to save our world from Umbrella corporation?"

  


Evan sighed as she leaned back in her chair and took another shot of whiskey. "Y'know... just once I'd like our temporary companions to be gullible trekkies or something! Just so that we wouldn't have to explain this same damn scenario over and over."

  


Claire frowned at Evan. "I don't think someone of your age should be drinking straight liquor Sherry." she stated. Evan just flipped the older girl the bird and continued to grip as the alcohol quickly intoxicated the younger body that the man currently inhabited.

  


Josh nodded. "Yeah actually that's about it. So how about we wait for JD to get back with some projectile weapons and then open a can of zombie grade whoop ass?" 

  


Jill looked at Josh suspiciously and nodded unsurely. "Fine. I'll stick with your little group for now... just because you all can speak. Umbrella's got some strange zombies, but I know for a fact that zombies can't talk."

  


Josh sighed exasperated. "How do I look anything like a zombie?" he started with an annoyed glare at Jill. "Do you see rotting flesh anywhere on my body? I didn't think so. I also don't smell! I happen to shower regularly thank you very much!"

  


Jill backed down and lowered her head slighty. Carlos, who had been standing behind the seated S.T.A.R.S. member during the entire conversation frowned as he looked at the spider monster. *I don't trust that thing.* he thought to himself darkly. *It's going to turn on me and Jill at some crucial point and kill us!*

  


Evan looked up at Carlos. "I!!! kNoW!! Whassh yourre stinking!! Yoush smellsy varmitten! And no WAY!! No WAY in heck! Are yoush gonna take MY butterfinger!!"Sherry then toppled over, still holding the liquor bottle and slowly slipping into the fetal position.

  


Carlos stared at the girl for a minute and then brought himself back to reality. *I still don't trust that spider guy. *

  


Josh smiled. "Hey Evan, remember how I have telepathy?" Evan murmured something that sounded like a yes with odd throaty gurgles mixed in. "Yeah, just pointing that out... Carlos..."

  


Carlos began to sweat and got a very nervous look on his face. "Oops..."

  


Josh smiled and stood up. "Well... On with the zombie bashing!"

  


**************

  


Several hours later. Josh popped another piece of popcorn in his monstrous mouth as he, Evan, J.D., and Kasumi watched Jill struggle with the upgraded form of the Nemesis. Kasumi frowned. "Shouldn't we help her?"

  


"No." Evan said.

  


"No." J.D. said.

  


"No." Josh said. "It's more fun to watch her struggle. We've helped her get this far... she should prove herself now."

  


Kasumi frowned. "What about Carlos? Did we have to let him die?"

  


"Yes." Evan said.

  


"Yes." J.D. said.

  


"Yes." Josh said.

  


Evan smiled. "She won't die though. She's the hero... they always live." Just then Jill got killed. "I stand corrected. Lets go get wasted and then make a jump through the portal."

  


Everyone agreed.

  


******************

  


Evan frowned as she stood up... "Where the HELL are we?"

  


Just then Kasumi was impaled with an arrow. Josh screamed out and rushed to Kasumi's side. Evan followed while J.D stayed behind and kept an eye out for any other incoming projectiles. "Kasumi!?!" Josh half asked, half screamed as he kneeled down beside his bleeding wife. Evan knelt on the other side and examined the arrow. "I have read some medical text books and realize that the arrow has punctured a rather vital area."

  


Josh looked frantic. "WHICH ONE!?!"

  


Evan took a breath. "The heart... and judging by the arrow we are in some Japanese era universe, most likely Legend of the 5 Rings due to the bluishness of this arrow denoting the Crane clan... aka the imbreds."

  


Josh frowned as Kasumi passed. "They all DIE!!!"

  


Evan nodded as the forces of the Crane and Crab converged on the area. "I was right." 

  


Josh let out a scream of rage and rushed at the samurai dressed mostly in blue, tearing holes in their ranks, and stopping the battle for a second, making the forces figure out what the hell just happened. The Crab clan started to froth at the mouth and scream in Japanese about Oni and the Crane summoning the demon. The Crane screamed about the Crab going into corruption and bringing Oni into the battle while fleeing in panic and hitting on members of their own clan. (I hate Crane)

  


Josh watched as the armies ran away from the awesome might of his powers. He then flew into almost orbit, and nuked the world. Evan looked around and noted the destruction. "Well, that's done with...The Earth has been near vaporized... now what am I going to do?"

  


Suddenly a large hand appeared from the clouds, signed a few things and then gave the last remnants of Earth the 'Holy Finger'. A prissy looking angel floated down to the charcoaled Earth and glared at the people there. At about the same time he landed Josh also dropped to the Earth, creating a large crater. 

  


"Umph kay you guys." The Angel said in a very gay voice while flopping his hand forward. "God is very pissed at you, Mmph kay." He paused to get a reaction but was received with blank stares. "Umph Kay... well, he just signed out that he does not appreciate your current behaviours and has decided to strip you of everything but your knowledge. He will also be forced to push the heavenly reset button, making you all go back to your past bodies... Except the one known as Josh Devan or 'JD' Umph kay....You will also be set back into the Ranma ½ Universe in which you will be trapped... unless you can rip the fabric of time.... which I don't think any of you can do with out a lot of magical help." {Imagine the angel dude with the voice of Mayor Quimby, from the Simpsons}

  


Josh and the others blinked and then they were looking around at Tokyo, specifically in the Nerima area. Josh looked VERY happy. "WE'RE BACK!!" He then looked down at him self. "I've got my old body back!" He then looked over at Evan. "You... you've gotten uglier."

  


Evan smiled. "I'm back to normal...... .... Wait a second."

  


They both then looked at JD. Who was still a grey gargoyle. "God hates me."

  


"Only if she's a woman."Evan replied. Josh then paused and looked at Evan with hope in his eyes. Before he could say anything though Evan replied. "No I won't be gay with you."

  


Josh shook his head. "The angel dude said that we were going back in time also! Kasumi might still be ALIVE!!!" 

  


Josh then threw his hand forward, preparing to shoot out a web line to one of the nearby street lamps.

  


Nothing happened.

  


"That's odd." Josh then jumped up and tried to fly towards the Tendo dojo instead. He just landed back on the ground. "Do we have enemies in this universe?" Josh asked without looking towards his colleagues. 

  


"Only if we _didn't_ go back in time." Evan replied. "But we did go back in time... so you have to woo Kasumi all over again... SUCKER!!!"

  


"And you haven't even met Blink." Josh retorted.

  


"But at least we don't have vagina necks... unlike some people.." Evan said with a smile.

  


"Stop making fun of me." JD said... just like a fat ass homo.... {inside Joke between me and Evan... actually it's a song we made up.}

  


Evan smiled. "But it's sooo easy you fat freak."

  


Josh snickered and then walked in the direction of the Tendo dojo. "You guys have fun... don't stay out to late... Evan."

  


"Sure Sure.. I'll make sure that JD doesn't eat anyone..." Evan said with an evil smile, commenting on how... bulbous JD had been getting due to his gargoyle baby neck tumour thing....

  


JD frowned "Evan, you had best... WHAT THE FUCK!!"

  


Evan looked on in horror as JD's neck pussy started moving around all crazy like. "Guess you're gonna have you're kid now... should slim ya a good fifty pounds... tubby."

  


JD then started to scream, Josh and Evan walked away as their friend convulsed on the ground, his face ballooning like a... balloon... that is red. "WHAAA!!!" he yelled as the baby crowned.

  


*************

  


Evan smiled as he stood in front of the Arcade he had taken over before. "History repeats itself." He said with a devious smile. "Umm... God, give me a sign if I shouldn't do this." Just then a lightning bolt flashed down and struck the ground two feet from Evan, making his hair stand on end. Evan looked down at the place where the bolt hit and found that it spelt something. "'Do not do this'.. Any sign at all God... No.. Ok, In I go." Evan smiled as he skipped into the arcade. He noted a small child standing in front of a machine, who had just put the correct amount of yen in. Evan acted instinctually, rushing forward, grabbing the child by the collarbone and tossing him five feet to the left. He noted that his judgement was good as it was a Street Fighter machine. *This is excellent, everything is almost back to perfect... except I don't hold entire worlds at my fingers... death or life... how I will miss making those types of decisions. * He thought as he selected Vega and started to play, an angry child stood behind him with a larger child backing him up.

  


"That's the guy who threw me!!" The kid yelled like a whiny bitch. 

  


Evan gave a half hearted wave while getting his ass handed to him by Chun Li. The older boy tapped Evan on the shoulder and was rewarded with a quick hand movement, expressing Evan's dislike of the boy. After Evan was royally handed his ass via Chun Li he turned around. "Hey kid, got any more money, I'm broke as fuck." he said in Japanese. 

  


The older boy struck a fighting pose and Evan blinked. "Is that a no?"

  


The boy rushed him, hitting Evan multiple times in the gut, winding the teen. *What the fuck... he should be dead via my looking at him funny... This isn't right... I can feel pain... * Evan thought as he turtled in to avoid most of the brunt of the attacks. The boy continued to punch and kick at him for a good ten minutes before he got tired, then Evan took action, punching the kid in the face as he gasped for air. The boy fell over more with exhaustion then Evan's 'might blow'. Evan then pumped his hands in the air singing 'We are the Champions' untill the boy's friends showed up... he then commenced in running.

  


***********

  


Josh smiled as he came upon the Tendo dojo, looking with much love at the sign on the side. That stated just so. He then walked through the front gates and began his trek up to the front door. Josh opened the door as though it were his own house, so used to living there. He took his shoes off and walked in to see Soun talking to Nabiki, as they both sat at the living room table in formal Kimonos... except Soun... he was still wearing his ghi. Josh smiled at them. Hello Pops, Nabiki." The two just looked at him stupidly as he walked past and walked to the kitchen.

  


Nabiki looked confused. "Was that...?"

  


"No somehow I don't think so."Soun offered. "He looked like a westerner. Ranma's Japanese."

  


Josh frowned as he realized Kasumi wasn't in the kitchen and walked out, past Soun and Nabiki to the yard. Where he found her hanging up laundry. Josh stopped in his tracks the moment he saw her. Flashes of her death ran through his mind in vivid realistic detail and he nearly got a tear in his eye as he realized that this too was real and she really was standing there before him. Josh walked slowly towards her, dazed by her beauty. "K... Kasumi?" He said as he half extended an arm towards her.

  


Kasumi looked up for a second. "Oh hello. Are you a friend of Akane's?" She asked.

  


Josh soon reached Kasumi and rushed forward, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her deeply, and passionately. Kasumi was too surprised to do anything about it and succumbed in confusion and shock. 

  


***************

  


Akane frowned as she finished off her last smashing brick. She had been fighting off all the sex crazed boys at school and they really pissed her off so she came to let off some steam. She picked up her towel and smiled, feeling much better as she exited the dojo. She took about four steps onto the lawn and froze at what she saw in front of her.

  


Josh smiled as he pulled away from the kiss and held Kasumi at arms length, looking her over from head to toe. "I missed you so much!" He said sincerely.

  


Kasumi just looked away and blushed. "Oh my... do I...?"

  


"GET AWAY FROM MY SISTER YOU PERVERT!!!"

  


One thought ran through Joshes mind before he was pummelled into the Tendo's outer wall. *Oh shit! I remember that sound.*

  


Josh tried to dodge or do something to get out of the way of Akane's first strike but due to god's devine intervention he had lost all of his abilities and failed to do so. The younger girl's fist impacted with his face and he flew painfully towards the wall, witch he bounced off of hard and crashed to the ground. Josh coughed and spit out a little bit of blood from his mouth. 

  


"WHAT WE'RE YOU DOING TO MY SISTER!?!" Akane screamed at the boy. At the noise of all the commotion. Soun and Nabiki came out of the house, curious to see what was going on.

  


Josh, quite stubborn and hard headed from his adventures through time and space, frowned as he stood up to face the sixteen year old girl. "I'm in love with her!" He said back. "And if I have to go through you, despite my lack of martial arts knowledge, to be with her. I'll do it... or die trying."

  


Kasumi looked confused as to the goings on around her. The man seemed only a few years older than her, if not then the same age. What really drew her eyes though was the look in his. His eyes burned with a fiery passion that she had never seen before in her entire life. She knew he was telling the truth... but she couldn't seem to remember his face. She was sure she would have remembered such a strange individual. His western heritage also made him stand out much more.

  


Soun stepped in between Akane and Josh. "Now come on... there's no need to fight. I'm sure there's a good explanation for what this boy did." Soun then paused and looked to Akane. "What did he do?"

  


Akane growled. "He was _molesting_ Kasumi!!"

  


Josh glared at the younger girl. "Hey! Back off short stuff! What would you know about this sort of thing!?!"

  


"I know that ALL BOYS ARE PERVERTS!!!" Akane screamed back.

  


Josh dropped his guard and let out an exasperated growl. "God _DAMN IT _AKANE!!! When are you going to grow up! Every time a guy even talks to you you're all pumped up to pummel him!!"

  


Akane got prepared to attack again. "Cause you all only have one thing on the mind!!!!" 

  


Josh smiled as he realized something. *Why didn't I think of this before!?!* He thought.. "Maybe it's not what's on _our_ minds... but _yours_!" He offered.

  


Akane staggered, the rest of the family watching these proceedings with a sort of morbid fascination. "W...wha!?"

  


Josh smiled and tapped the side of his head with his index finger. "I think I'm finally beginning to see what your problem is." He said moving forward. "You're just hitting puberty, you think about sex almost every waking moment of the day, you think it's perverted to think that way and it's boys fault for making you think about it. You think if you could beat up all the boys, and drown your sexual frustration in martial arts you can stop those feelings. Boys are your emotional scapegoat and you're in a serious case of self emotive, and sexual denial."

  


Nabiki raised an eyebrow at the boy as she noticed the words strike a chord in Akane, who took a few steps back. *This guy's smart... and handsome too. I think I might like getting to know him. If Akane doesn't kill him first.*

  


Akane shook her head. "No. I'm not a pervert. I don't like to think about it... it's NOT fun!"

  


"No it's not... it's arousing... isn't it?" Josh said as he grinned quite sardonically. 

  


Nabiki smiled as well. *I REALLY like this one.* she thought. 

  


A tear ran from Akane's eye and she turned and ran for her room. Josh sighed in relief. "Whoo! Lucky guess. I thought she'd kick my ass for sure!!" Josh then looked around at the other three people standing there. "...what?"

  


**********************

  


Evan ducked into an alley and hopped into a garbage pail as a hoard of people surged past. *What the fuck... when did all those people join the rush to kill me? * He thought to himself as he peeked out from under the lid of the trash can. The lynch mob soon passed and Evan hopped out of the can and dusted himself off. *Ahh... safe at last... and in my natural habitat... alleys... but my pants are on... what the hell, saves cash. * Evan smiled broadly and walked off towards where he thought was the location of the Tendo dojo... he ended up on the other side of Nerima outside of a bulk army store. *Coincidence... I think not. * He walked in retaining a large smile. The cashier was a one armed man in camouflage, attempting to hide under a bad sniper net. "I can see you... just so you know..." 

  


The man jumped up and let out a cry in a very sad attempt to scare the teen. "MAHJAJAJA!!!" He screamed.

  


Evan shook his head and sighed. "Ok, I need to point out a few things, one gun loving freak to the next. You have horrible camouflage... your shop is shitty... you have no good guns... and no ammo for the shitty guns you have, just ammo for the good guns you should have. I'm here to fix that... give me your store and I'll fix it up for an ungodly large amount of money."

  


The one armed man pondered this for a second, nodded and said. "I'm so lonely."

  


Evan fought the urge to slap the one armed bastard, but noted that there were laws against cripple abuse and he didn't have an N2 mine handy to get rid of the police if they did arrive. "I'll take that as a yes... now leave." for some reason the man did. Evan blink blinked and looked around. "Well, I guess I own this shit hole.... time to make it sweet! With illegal weapons and everything!!" Evan then wandered into the storage room to find something he was not suspecting... good guns. Magnums, Mp5s, Mp3's, the works. "Heaven..." Evan said with a tear in his eye.

  


********************

  


JD frowned as he awoke from his short lived coma. JD then noticed a rock laying beside his head. And groaned as he looked at it. "I must have passed out and hit my head on that." Just then the rock moved, grew two arms, two legs, and a pair of wings. "AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!"

  


"Look hunny! It's moving!"

  


"Th hell?"

  


"Nature in motion. They sure got some purty strange creatures up here in Jay'pan!" The tourist said as he took pictures of JD and his newly born daughter. 

  


JD looked up at them and growled, disembowelling them with his claws. "Fuckin tourist!" JD then wiped the blood off of his hands and picked up his daughter, who sprouted a head moments later. "I guess I'm a dad now." He stated as he looked at his surprisingly developed baby with love. He then noticed the little bump on her neck. "What's this?" He pondered, poking it. It then pissed on him. "OH GOD!! THAT'S NOT RIGHT!!! IT'S A DICK!!!!" 

  


JD then dropped the baby. It bounced a little bit and then started to giggle as it wet itself, all over it's face. "Me bue tunder." The baby said. 

  


JD's eyes widened in horror and picked the baby up again. "That's it!! We're going to church RIGHT NOW!!!" 

  


**************

  


Evan smiled as he set out weapons of mass destruction in place of the .22 repeaters and BB guns that the 'war vet' had set out. "War amp champ had some good taste in guns." He said mockingly as he tossed the guns onto the streets for hobos to shoot each other with. He went back inside for a second and came back out with a sign reading. 'Help the overpopulation problem, use these guns to shoot yourselves and others you love! Ammo is in the guns already all you need is a working pointer finger and at least one arm. Play safe and have fun.' "That should help the government with those pesky hobos. Always eating free food from dumpsters... stealing our trash... I'll show them." He then read the sign over and decided to change it slightly, he walked back inside and came out with another sign that read simply, 'kill the hobos.'

  


Just then the original shop owner came back as some of the guns got picked up by children that are so very gullible and easy to manipulate. The shop owner read out the sign and frowned, "Hey!!"He whined. "I'm a hobo." The surrounding children opened fire.

  


Evan smiled and walked back inside. "A days work I'd say."He paused and turned to the children, who were unloading into the corpse of the dead one armed cripply hobo. "Now, children, conserve your ammo for the other hobos, they deserve to die just as much as this one." He said in a teacher-esque voice.

  


All the children ran off to commit mass murder except for one, little Sally was her name. She was holding her arm and seemed to be in some pain. "Mr. Shop person, I think I breakeded my arm whens I shooted the mean ol' hobo."

  


Evan smiled and patted her bad arm lightly, making her wince in excruciating pain. "Now now little girl, take a hobo shooting break for a week or two and visit your local dentist... he'll drill you up a new arm from the cavities of your little fucker friends. If you feel you need to, you can plunder from the older hobos, some of them have dentures... those'l help the war effort against the hobo plague. If you feel you really need it, get some ice and a lolly. That will help you... and remember, hobo hunters don't cry, it shows the bastards you're weakness and we can't have them revolting..."

  


Sally smiled a bit, looking bolstered by Evan's speech. "Can I have a bandaid?"

  


Evan shook his head and smiled. "No."

  


Sally frowned and hung her head. "Ok..."

  


"Good, now kill those hobos dead. YOU GO BITCH!!" Evan screamed as he gave her a loving slap... as hard as he could... which sent her out, onto the street... into the path of a speeding transport truck... followed by another transport truck... with another one after that.... and one more following that one. Evan looked on in awe. "Hmm... I'll be leaving now." 

  


****************

  


End of Chapter.

  


Author's Notes: {Well we've finally finished another chapter of our beloved SI. Well this seems to be the chapter where... everything you could possibly think of happens. Kasumi died... we went through a couple universes... God rewinded the tape of time and dumped us back in Ranma ½... JD had his and Kuno's baby... I managed to destroy Akane completely... and evan killed a defenceless little girl who wanted nothing more than to help him. Yeah... bet you weren't expecting all that to happen eh? Eh? Eh? Meh. Well I'm starting a new fic... and doing more on the others... but not soon... yeah I'm behind on my school work.}

  


(Little Sally, we'll miss her... but the transport trucks sure didn't... anywho... back to basics eh? Death destruction mayhem, I love my attitude!... VIN DESIL!!I'm so lonely... but at least I'm not a hobo... I hope I don't offend anyone with cripple hobo killings... I don't know any crippled hobos, so this doesn't affect me, but others might not laugh... and to them I say.... HAHAHAHAH!!! CRIPPLED HOBOS DIE GOOD VIA MY UNDERAGE ARMY OF THE APOCALYPSE!!!! ... all in all a good chapter I'd say.)

  


[I'm a fat hobo.] (All of a sudden little Billy unloads three .22 rounds into JD's fat hobo hide, props him up on his red Rider wagon and mounts his fat hobo head on his wall beside the other fat hobo heads... and his parents heads, cause they didn't appreciate his fat hobo killings... which is justified because he is aiding the overpopulation problem in Japan, which is a major threat to humanity and create diseases like SARS which wouldn't have happened if Hong Kong had just killed off a couple million people... particularly hobos of the fat variety...) :) (Love you guys)

  


{Yeah that was Evan... JD's not here.}

  


Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com

Agasaki Ishano: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com

JD: seifer_2@hotmail.com

  



	29. It's Ranma!

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Self Insertion

  


Chapter 29

  


It's Ranma

  


Evan grimaced as a police cruiser pulled up just outside of his newly acquired shop. Evan checked his merchandise and put all the illegal weaponry in reach under the counter, hoping that the officer was not very knowledgeable about gun laws. He also slipped a clip into a Desert Eagle and put that at the front of the pile in case the need arose. The officer entered the store and looked around, feigning interest until he reached the counter where Evan stood. 

  


"Excuse me sir," the officer began. "Do you know anything about the killing that occurred just outside of your store?"

  


Evan shook his head no and smiled. "Officer, this is a gun store, I can't keep track of the amount of killings that happen outside."

  


The officer blinked. "But this happened not five feet outside of your store." He said, sounding moderately shocked.

  


Evan shrugged. "I just got in for work like three minutes ago, It must have happened before my shift." Evan said, lying through his teeth.

  


The officer nodded, seeming to buy the bullshit. "Have you seen your boss?"

  


Evan forced back a laugh. "No..."

  


The officer looked grim. "Well, he is one of the two people who died just outside of the store."

  


The teen behind the counter looked shocked. "WHAT!! MY BOSS DIED!!! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO!?!"

  


The officer reached over the counter and patted Evan on the shoulder lightly. "It's OK son." He said with a bit of sympathy in his voice, until he noticed the rocket launcher on the other side of the counter. He drew back slowly and put a hand on his holster, unbuttoning it slowly. "Son, do you know that there is a rocket launcher not three inches from your left foot?"

  


Evan nodded.

  


"Just checking... can you step out from behind the counter?" The officer asked slowly.

  


Evan nodded again, grasping the handle of the Desert Eagle as he went. As he rounded the corner he flicked it up at hip height and fired once, blowing the officer's hand ten feet from his body. The officer screamed in pain and dropped to the floor clutching his stump. "Now then." Evan said with a calm voice. "Do you know what gang related crime is?" The officer didn't respond but instead went for his radio, which was attached to his chest. Evan adjusted the gun slightly and fired again, taking off the man's other hand. "Please, no more trouble for the day. Sure you can't jerk it anymore, but do you really want to die?"

  


The officer shook his head no and pushed his stubs together in a sad attempt to stop the bleeding. "You'll pay for this." The bloody cop said with surprising strength in his voice. 

  


Evan shook his head and fired once more. He then began to hum as he gathered up the bits of cop from the floor and disposed of them in the garbage dumpster in the alley beside the store. "Fucking cops, can't just let illegal weapon dealings go on uninhibited." Evan continued to hum as he broke out the mop.

  


************

  


JD landed lightly on the steps of the first catholic church that he saw in his flight through Tokyo. He then quickly entered the church in a frantic pace. He quickly spotted the confessional booth and entered, folding his wings so that he could fit in. "Bless her father for my daughter has sinned." He said.

  


"I'm sorry... but... what are you?" The priest said as he looked through the screen thing. "You don't exactly look human. That and how could your daughter have sinned? She looks like she was just born."

  


JD sighed. "Well it's a little complicated... and yes she was just born. She called herself blue thunder... that's what her father used to call himself. I hate him but he raped me... bless her or something... I don't want her turning out like him."

  


The priest looked confused. "Okay I'm really confused."

  


JD groaned. "You have no idea."

  


*************

  


Soun smiled. "Now then son... would you mind telling us why it is you are here?"

  


Josh smiled slightly, looking over at Kasumi. "To be with Kasumi."

  


Nabiki, who was sitting right beside Josh smiled at him. "Why are you interested in Kasumi? As far as I can tell she's never met you."

  


"She hasn't..." Josh started. "But I've met her... I'm married to her."

  


Everyone gasped. "WHAT!?!" They all yelled simultaniously.

  


"Oh my!"Kasumi said. "I think I would have remembered getting married to you."

  


Josh shook his head. "Well it's like... I'm from another dimension, then I was here, I married you and we both went through more dimensions... then God rewound time and space, and now I'm back here before we met." Nabiki , Soun, and Kasumi blink blinked at The blonde westerner. Josh sighed. "I know it's hard to believe but you've got to! Here." Josh then pulled out a folded up piece of paper and placed it on the table that they were all sitting around.

  


Nabiki paused, picked up the paper, and unfolded it. "This is a marriage contract with Josh and Kasumi's names on it."

  


Kasumi grabbed the paper from her sister and looked it over. She then gasped. "That's... that's _my_ handwriting!" 

  


Soun began to cry. "WAAAAH!!! My baby girl got married and didn't tell me." 

  


Josh lowered his head. "I'm sorry to spring this on you all I just had no idea that I was thrown to a point where I hadn't even met Kasumi."

  


Nabiki looked over Kasumi's shoulder at the paper. "Wow... this is authentic... it's binding too."

  


Josh sighed again and grabbed the marriage contract. "Actually.." he said as he ripped it up. "I guess it's not... marriage is till death do us part... before God made the big change Kasumi died, so it's void now I guess."

  


Soun kept bawling. "WAAAAH!! My baby's dead!!"

  


"I'm right here Daddy." Kasumi said.

  


Nabiki looked curious. "Died? How did she die?"

  


Josh sighed as he glanced at his, once, wife. "When I married her I wanted nothing more than to stay in this universe. I was kidnapped by accident and thrown through a journey through the different universes. Kasumi later followed, but then we arrived in a new universe right in the middle of a feudal war. She was immediately impaled by an arrow and died."

  


Nabiki frowned, having expected a grand battle and a tragic love story, "How anti climatic."

  


Kasumi, who was very uncomfortable under the gaze of Josh's loving eyes, decided to change the subject somewhat slightly. "So... Josh... where are you currently living in Tokyo?"

  


Josh looked suddenly sad. "I've got... no... home. Everything I own is on me right now."

  


Kasumi put one of her hands to her mouth in shock. "Oh you poor thing! That's awful!" 

  


Nabiki looked towards her dad with a slight smirk. "Daddy. Why don't we let Josh stay here for a few weeks until he gets grounded?" She offered.

  


Josh smiled. "Nabiki? That's so kind of you..."Josh said before shooting a, 'I know what you're up to' look. He then turned back to Soun. "Da...Mr. Tendo, I'd be glad to help out around the house if you let me stay. I'll even get a job to help pay for expenses."

  


Soun looked thoughtful as he pondered the idea over in his mind. He then smiled. "I don't see the problem with that. If you plan on pulling your own weight around ." Nabiki and Josh smiled.

  


Just then there was a sound at the door. Soun looked over his shoulder to the front halls general direction. "I wonder who...? Oh NO! I completely forgot!!" Soun then got up rushing towards the door.

  


Nabiki got up as well. "That must be Ranma!" Kasumi got up as well but didn't follow the rest of her Family in their hurried pace to see their other guests.

  


Josh looked confused. "That's funny it's as though..." Josh's eyes then widened in realization. *We've been sent back all the way to the beginning of the Ranma ½ series.*

  


Just then Josh got to his feet as he heard a scream from the front hall, where Nabiki and Soun had disappeared, and then the pair was seen rushing back into the house. Following them was a large panda walking upright with a short teenaged girl with bright red hair slung over it's shoulder. "PUT ME DOWN POP!! YOU'RE SCARIN THE PANTS OFFA THEM!!"

  


Josh got up and walked to wards the panda with a big smirk on his face. The large panda set the girl down onto the floor just as he arrived. The girl had her head bowed with a shy blush upon her face as she looked around at the other occupants of the house. Josh held out his hand towards the much smaller girl and smiled kindly at her. "Hello Ranma!" 

  


Soun then jumped up to a standing position, the mention of Ranma's name making him forget the panda standing directly in front of him. Soun grabbed Ranma by the shoulders and held him at arms length. "Ranma my boy! Finally you've come!"

  


Soun then pulled Ranma into a hug and then immediately held _him_ back out again, looking at _his_ chest which seemed to be sporting a pair of breasts. 

  


Nabiki came up beside ranma and lightly grabbed one of her breasts, fondling it for a moment before turning to her father. "Ranma's not a boy! She's a girl!"

  


Soun stepped back in shock. "A G... A G. A G..." The Tendo patriarch's eyes then rolled back into his head and he passed out. Josh managed to catch him in mid fall though since he was behind the man.

  


Josh chuckled. "Heh heh. Anyone else see that coming?" He got nothing but blank stares from all surrounding parties and sighed. "Okay I'll shut up now."

  


**********************

  


Evan locked up the shop for the night, still carrying the Desert Eagle that was used to kill the cop. He smiled as he patted the gun that was tucked into the back of his pants. *Back to that Arcade. * He then commenced in walking back to the arcade. 

  


Not ten minutes into his walk two police cruisers pulled up in front of him. The officers stepped out, two of them wielding pistols the other two bringing shotguns to bear. Evan blink blinked. "What the fuck is going on?" 

  


One of the officers with the shotguns spoke up as the others kept their weapons trained. "Mister, we have a warrant for your arrest concerning the death of an officer and another man as well as a young girl. Disarm yourself and turn around peacefully or we will have to use force."

  


Evan's smile turned to a smirk as he reached behind him for the magnum, slowly to make it seem like he was going along with the officer's request. He then dashed to the right and took cover behind a dumpster as bullets and shotgun pellets ricocheted off the steel Evan was using as cover. He jutted his arm out from behind the dumpster and fired twice, the first shot missing the officers completely and the other impacting with the shoulder of one of the shotgun holders. The bullets continued from the officers while the wounded one slumped down and administered to his gushing shoulder. Evan heard a quick pause of shots and stuck his arm out again, unleashing another two shots flattening the tires of one of the cop cars and shooting the already wounded cop in the knee dropping him completely to the ground screaming in pain. The bullets from the cops continued for a minute before stopping again, giving Evan another window of opportunity to unload his weapon, he quickly ran out of bullets in his first clip as the officers cowered behind car doors while refilling shotguns and slapping new clips into pistols. This time he hit a different cop blowing his left knee cap clear from his body before Evan climbed up a nearby fire escape after putting a new clip into his magnum. *FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! * Evan mentally screamed as more bullets just barely missed him. He got to the top of the fire escape before he felt a sharp pain in his left shoulder. He tumbled unto the rooftop and laid on his back for a few minutes before actually being able to force himself to move again, by that time it was to late. A police helicopter circled over the convict as he tried to balance himself against the force of the helicopters rotor winds. *Ah shit! * He thought as he fell back to the ground.

  


************

  


Josh frowned as he sat with the rest of the occupants of the house looking down at the shocked and upset Mr. Tendo.Akane was glaring at Josh, Kasumi was looking at Soun in concern while glancing at Josh every once in a while. Nabiki was looking back and forth between Josh and Ranma. Soun faintly began to talk, a look of shock on his face. "I just assumed that when my friend said he had a son the he was a boy.

  


Nabiki frowned and grabbed one of Ranma's boobs. "Daddy does this look like a boy to you?"

  


Ranma looked a little annoyed as the middle sister did that. "Uhm would you mind not doing that?" 

  


Josh then took Nabiki's hand away from the Jusenkyo cursed boy's breast softly. "Come on Nabiki, that's not really proper. Josh then mysteriously traded places with her and grabbed Ranma's boob. "After all... you're both girls and that's not right."

  


Ranma became irrate and punched Josh to the floor. "Cut it out you pervert!"

  


Akane smiled at Ranma and moved over to where she was standing. "Hi... I'm Akane. Wanna be friends?"

  


Ranma simply smiled and nodded slightly. Josh suddenly stood up and made the red head shake her head no forcefully. "No she doesn't." Josh then whispered in Ranma's ear. "She hates boys, the moment your curse is revealed she'll hate you for life." 

  


Ranma looked at the blonde man confusedly. "How did you know about?" Josh just tapped the side of his nose, before getting punched by Akane. 

  


"WHO ASKED YOU!!!!" She screamed. 

  


"Ow." Josh said as he rubbed his bleeding nose. 

  


Kasumi walked over and tended to the injury. "Are you all right?"

  


Josh shook his head. "No... I've never broke my nose before."

  


Akane looked over to Ranma. "So... you're into martial arts right?" 

  


Ranma nodded. "Kempo."

  


Akane smiled wide. "Great! Do you want to spar with me?" Ranma shrugged and followed the girl out to the dojo. She looked like a weakling of a fighter anyway.

  


*******************

  


Evan sat in a holding cell, hoping that somebody would either bail or break him out soon, cause he was tired of being approached by muscular men calling him 'purty' and then kicking them in the nuts until a guard came and moved him into another cell. Evan hummed a few bars of Sweet home Alabama and shadow boxed for a good hour till an officer came to his cell and unlocked it. "Someone bailed you out." He said as Evan smiled and walked out of the cell with a big grin. 

  


A few minutes later Evan walked out of the police building to find two men dressed completely in black standing in front of the doorway. "Can I help you?" Evan asked.

  


The men moved aside, revealing a short man, about the height of Evan's shoulders but built like a tank. "Yes, in fact you can." He said in plain Japanese.

  


Evan, who had been speaking English up to this point switched into the Local dialect. "And how would I be helping you?"

  


The man smiled. "Come with us." The man turned and started to walk away. He was surprised when Evan made no move to follow him. "You are supposed to follow me, and then ask questions in the car."

  


Evan blinked. "Isn't that kinda cliche? It's kinda stupid too. You guys might have been friends with the guys I killed. I do not want to get in a car with strangers.... Mommy told me not to."

  


The Japanese man's shoulders slumped. "Look, just get in the car."

  


"No."

  


"Why not?"

  


"It's too cliche for me... I'll only go with you if you pick me up in a helicopter or a personal jet with VTOL (Vertical Take off and Landing)"

  


The Japanese guy, who had been stoic up to this point started yelling at Evan. "LOOK YOU UNGRATEFUL SHIT!! I BAILED YOU OUT!!! GET IN THE FUCKING CAR!!!"

  


"NO!!" Evan then took off laughing like a school girl.

  


***********

  


Josh smiled as he saw Kasumi and Ranma coming up the stairs. Kasumi handed Ranma a towel and pointed her to the bathroom. "You can take a bath now Ranma... I'm sure you could use it after your workout." Ranma accepted the girls offer and made a move for the bathroom as the eldest Tendo daughter went back down stairs. 

  


Josh grabbed Ranma from behind and prevented her from entering. "I wouldn't do that if I were you Ranma." 

  


Ranma frowned. "Why can't I take a bath!?! I haven't had one for a long time! I WANNA!!!" 

  


Josh frowned. "Yeah well I'd wait until Akane's done. They all think you're a girl so Akane has no qualms about bathing with you. So after you enter, Akane will come in, and you'll have already entered the Furo, turning into a guy... then she'll hate you forever cause you saw her naked. Do you get me?"

  


Ranma looked thoughtful for a second. "What's a qualm?"

  


Josh sighed. "Never mind." 

  


Ranma frowned and shrugged off Joshes arm. "If you don't have a good reason I can't take a bath then I'm taking one."

  


Josh shrugged. "Alright. Just be careful of Mr. wiggles."

  


Ranma froze. "Who's Mr. Wiggles?" she said with a suspicious fear.

  


Josh smiled. "It's the Tendo's cat... they keep it in the bathroom. It's kind of pissy and will probably claw your face off if you get too close."

  


Ranma's eyes grew large in fear at the mention of the c word. "C... c...c... CAT!?!"

  


Josh nodded. "Yep."

  


"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

  


Ranma then ran away, jumping through Nabiki's bedroom door, and then her window, into the yard. Josh smiled. "Huh." He chuckled. "Easier than pie... hmmm I'm hungry."

  


Akane then ran up the stairs. "What happened?" Josh shrugged. "Well I'm going to take a bath now." Akane said. "DON'T PEEP YA PERVERT!!!"

  


Josh flipped the girl the bird. "Ah fuck off whore."

  


*********************

  


Later on Josh, Ranma, Genma and the Tendos were all sitting around the table downstairs. Only now Genma was not a panda, and there was a black haired pigtailed girl. Nabiki looked over to her father confusedly. "Daddy who are these people?" She asked.

  


Soun smiled. This is My good friend Genma, and his son Ranma. Akane looked confused and angry. "What!?! I thought Ranma was a girl!!"

  


Ranma bowed his head slightly. "Sorry about this." He said with genuine regret. 

  


Josh frowned at the boy. "What are you sorry about? It's not your fault you have a curse! If anything They should be feeling sorry for you. I know I do... I used to have a curse just like it... although it wasn't all that bad." 

  


Akane, Nabiki, and Kasumi, all looked confused as they looked at Ranma for an explanation. "Curse?" They all said simultaneously. 

  


Ranma however was looking at Josh with wide eyes and wonder... as was Genma. "What!?!" They both said. "What do you mean used to have?" Ranma said, grabbing Joshes shirt and pulling him close almost unconsciously trying to force an answer out of him.

  


Josh was calm though... he was used to dangerous things by now. "I had the curse of the spring of drowned girl... now I don't." 

  


Ranma tilted his head back and drooled as he fantasized about having no curse. No more torment. He then stared back at Josh with fire in his eyes. "HOW DID YOU GET A CURE!?!?" He yelled at the, older, twenty-some-odd year old, blonde, gaijin. 

  


Josh smiled. "Actually there is no cure... other than an act of God(phil)." 

  


Ranma got a far off look in his eyes. "So all I got to do is find an act of God and I can be normal again?"

  


Josh sighed as he realized that anything he said would only spur the boy on further. "Ranma... an act of God isn't something you can find... you have to royally piss off GOD!! So much that he rewinds time to all dimensions and universes... It's not easy to do... It took me three or so years and I wanted to keep the curse."

  


Ranma sniffled a bit. "So... no cure?" 

  


Josh sighed in relief, realizing that he'd said the right words. "No... no cure... and even if you did find the spring of drowned boy... that wouldn't work either."

  


Ranma let Josh go and sighed. 

  


Akane suddenly spoke up. "Excuse us but what is this curse that you're talking about?"

  


Genma smiled weakly, due to the information that there was no cure. "First off. Allow me to demonstrate." Genma grabbed Ranma but Josh jumped up and kicked the bald man in the face, making him let go.

  


"You can show them without violence you old idiot!" Josh then leaned down to Ranma's level and whispered. "He was going to throw you out the door into the pond." 

  


Ranma glared at his father for a brief second but then turned to Josh confused. "How did you know? You're not even a fighter."

  


Josh shrugged and turned to Kasumi. "Kasumi my love could you get two cups of cold and hot water please? If it's not too much of a bother. I could get it myself if you like."

  


Kasumi looked up. "Huh? Water? Uhhh... Okay." Kasumi then got up to go to the kitchen. 

  


Josh looked to Genma and smiled. "Don't start your story until she comes back... I'm sure she wouldn't want to miss the beginning of your fascinating tale."

  


Genma looked stupefied as the boy seemed to anticipate everything that he would do or think... though it was the first time that Josh had addressed Genma, he felt as though the boy could read him like a book.

  


In short Kasumi came back, Genma told the story and Josh filled in the gaps.

  


Just then Josh heard a sound. "Th hell?" He looked over to the yard through the open door and noticed Evan struggling over the Tendos outer wall. Josh frowned. "Ah shit..." Evan ran up to Josh and hugged him or something.

  


"THEY'RE AFTER ME!!!"

  


"Th hell are you talking aboot? You idiot."

  


Just then several tanks ran over the Tendo wall and demolished half of the dojo itself. Soun screamed in torment as his beautiful wall and dojo was obliterated. Several lights shone through the doors circling on evan as helicopters flew by, police cars pulled up, and SWAT members stormed the front hall. Kicking down the door.

  


Josh glared at Evan. "GOD DAMNIT WE'VE ONLY BEEN HERE HALF A DAY!!!!!"

  


Evan grinned. "Sorry?" He said as his eyes darted around for a place to hide, he spotted a rock and cowered behind it.

  


Just then a guy who has some sort of burn mark on the left side of his face walked up to Josh. "Excuse me sir... Do you know this person?" He said pointing to evan.

  


"Got a badge?" Josh said.

  


The black burny face man shook his head. "I don't need a badge. I've got tanks and people with guns."

  


"Fair enough." Evan said from behind the rock.

  


"I want to see a badge." Josh stated. The man sighed and flashed his badge. Josh nodded.

  


Nabiki suddenly got little hearts in her eyes as she gazed at Josh. *He's so calm and collected... and they have guns! So authorative! He must be mine!*

  


"What is your relation to this young man here? The man asked Josh.

  


"He's my best friend and I pretty much own him." Josh replied. 

  


"OWN!!! I ONLY OWE YOU SHIT LOADS OF MONEY!!! YOU DO NOT OWN ME!!!!" Evan said, standing up from behind the rock and shaking his finger at Josh.

  


All of the SWAT members then swarmed Evan aiming their submachine guns at Evan's face, illuminating him with laser lights. 

  


"AW FUCK!!! I LEAVE MY ROCK FOR TWO SECONDS AND THE PO COME DOWN ON ME!!!" Evan screamed in frustra... aw lets just call it stupidity.(I call it Evanism){and thus Evanism existed.}

  


Josh sighed. "Okay what do you want with Evan?"

  


The black man with the burnt left side of face responded. "Your friend was arrested today for killing a police officer, a hobo, and a small girl, he also shot four other police officers. He's a very dangerous man and we've decided to grant him bail if he works for us."

  


Josh smiled. "Oh I get it... you're Samuel L. Jackson, Evan's Vin Diesel and this is some sort of Triple X thing right?"

  


The black man looked pissed off. "I'm sorry sir but this is no time to be talking about pornography. We plan on making him into a killing machine. He's got no record... he's untraceable, he's a marksman, and he's just plain old dangerous. My favourite kind of people."

  


"You do realize he's as dumb as a bowling pin right?" Josh questioned. "What's so dangerous about him? I can kick his ass any day of the week." 

  


"That's not the point. We need an untraceable marksman for some missions we have created." Burny black dude said.

  


Evan eyed all of the SWAT members, tried to figure a way out with out having forty odd bullets in him, found none and smiled. "Missions are fun."

  


BBD(Burny Black Dude) looked over at Evan. "What was that? Are you already working for someone?"

  


"Sure... the russians...." Evan said lying ungodly horribly.

  


BBD grabbed a walky talky and talked into it. "We have inside source of Russian spies. Call the President and tell him to bomb them... with nukes."

  


Evan snickered. "Stupid Vodka drinking russians, they won't know what hit them... until it hits them... then they will know... they'll know good... but not until it hits them of course... Cause... you know... it has to hit them for them to know.... right? They arn't like psychics or nothing, they just drink and stuff... so they won't know will they.... no they won't... till it hits them..."

  


BBD looked on in semi horror semi awe. "What the hell is he talking about?" 

  


Josh frowned. "You can call off your attack president now... he's not really a russian spy... just stupid. You can use him if you like... you have to pay me for his services though."

  


BBD smiled. "Deal. And by the way... my name is Auch Vern Itzs. Here's my card." He then handed a business card to Josh. "I'll keep in contact with you." 

  


Josh took the card and nodded. "Yeah that's nice... I'll expect these damages fixed and paid for by you by the end of the week to or I relieve you of the right to use my friend for military operations." Josh then looked at the card paused, he then looked at the black duded and tried not to laugh. "Bye Auschwitz."

  


The military, SWAT, and police quickly went away, taking Evan with them and leaving the wall and dojo in utter ruins. Soun was crying his eyes out... as was the norm for him whenever something bad happens. "My wall, My dojo! WAAAAAHHH!!!!"

  


Kasumi patted her father on the back to calm him down. "There, there father."

  


Genma nodded as Soun dried his eyes and just sniffled for a moment. "Now then where were we?" Genma asked. 

  


Soun perked up a little bit and rushed over to the now female Ranma, putting his hands on the boy turned girl's shoulders. "My first daughter Kasumi. She's 19. My second daughter Nabiki. She's 17. My youngest daughter Akane. She's 16. Choose one my boy and she'll be your new fiance."

  


"WHA!!!" Ranma said in surprise. 

  


Before the boy could say anything though two of the three girls jumped in quickly. "He wants Akane." Nabiki said, not wanting him to pick her. 

  


"My yes, wouldn't he and Akane be such a good couple?" Kasumi added. 

  


"WHAT!?!" Akane screamed. "Why does it have to be me!?"

  


"Cause you hate boys." Nabiki said with a smile. "And Ranma's half girl."

  


Soun smiled as he looked to his youngest daughter with happiness. "It's done then. Ranma will marry Akane. OH I'M SO HAPPY!!!" Soun then took both Ranma and Akane into his arms and hugged them while shedding buckets of fatherly loving tears.

  


Josh chuckled as he watched this. "Ah true love."

  


**************

  


End of Chapter

  


author's notes: {Well we're back to basics. Now... why is there a XXX thing going on all of a sudden? That never happened before. Evan was powerful then too. Well let's all chalk it up to, we left this universe and Evan kept to himself, and his own agenda then.}

  
  


(I always have my own agenda... cause I am a FUCKING NINJA!!! YEAH!!! NINJA POWER!!! GO NINJA GO NINJA GO!!!)

  


{Whoa! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II flashback. Evan is not a ninja to clear things up... not yet anyway... ahh who am I kidding he's got the stealth of a Tarasque!} 

  


(If Taraesques were stealthy that is.... Right? Right? Ah... NINJA!!! (strikes Kung Lao pose whilst in Mantis style... play Mortal Kombat deadly alliance and if you have monkeys give them to me.) My train of thought is off the track and back again but in a new country and under attack by Zerglings (I like Starcraft) PIE!!!!)

  


{Don't worry folks he's stopped talking now. JD's not here today.}

  


Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com

Agasaki Ishano: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com

(I never update cause I'm a lazy ninja)

  


{shut up.} 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	30. This Friend, This monster

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Self Insertion

  


Chapter 30

  


This Friend, This monster.

  


JD smiled as he left the church. "Well that was cool." His daughter giggled as she watched the holy place burn down. "I can see I'm going to have trouble with you." JD noted as he walked towards what he thought was the Tendo dojo. He took a moment to reflect on his life. *Let's see.* He thought. *I was normal... then I was thin and normal... then I was turned into a rock monster... then I was impregnated by a man named Kuno... then I had a baby .* JD then made a sudden realization. "My life got fucked up fast."

  


***************

  


Evan stepped out of one of the military tanks smiling. The soldiers all had their guns trained on him, as they had since he beat up the driver of the tank, stole his sidearm and tried to kill everyone in the tank before being almost shocked to death by a shock stick wielding gunner. Evan rubbed the electrical burn on his right arm for a second and squinted in the sun. "So, when do I get to kill shit?" He asked the nearest soldier, who edged away in response.

  


BBD (Burny Black dude, if you didn't read the last chapter... and if you had not skipped it I wouldn't have to write this and waste perfectly good time which I could have used to like feed my cat or something...) grimaced, this was turning out for the worse so far. The enigma named Evan was a pain in the ass. "You can kill things after you have been trained."

  


"You mean brainwashed! I'M LEAVING!!" Evan kidney shot the guard nearest him and ran away.

  


****************

  


Three days later. Josh and Nabiki were sitting in the living room at a table going through the wanted adds in a paper. Nabiki pointed one of the adds out. "An okinomiyaki place is opening in a couple months."

  


Josh smiled as he seriously considered it. "I don't think so... I should get a job as soon as possible, y'know so I can start helping out right away."

  


Nabiki smiled. "Well there's other ways to get money."

  


Josh smiled at her. "You're not suggesting I go into prostitution are you?"Before Nabiki could answer Josh pointed out another one. "What about this one?"

  


Nabiki looked at the one that the blonde haired westerner was pointing to. "Small time actors?" She then looked up to him "They, wh..." When she looked up she was scant millimetres from his face. Nabiki cleared her throat and moved away a little. "They want trained actors and... and martial artists. It's a kung fu movie." 

  


Josh smiled. "Aheh! Yeah. Well I have some small time experience in acting. Your Dad, or even Ranma could teach me some martial arts I'm sure. I've seen Ranma in the mornings, he's really good."

  


Nabiki smirked. "He? Or she?"

  


Josh chuckled. "Heh. Either one is true."

  


Josh and Nabiki then laughed for a bit. Just before Evan climbed over the Tendo wall and ran over to Josh. "JOSH!! THEY'RE AFTER ME!!!"

  


"You're not running away from those guys again are you? We just got the wall and the dojo fixed." Josh replied quite sardonically. 

  


Just then a few tanks smashed through the wall and the dojo, as helicopters flew by, and Police and SWAT cars pulled up to the house.

  


"Whoops... Um... can I crash here for a bit?" Evan asked, not really weighing out the situation. 

  


"No." Josh said as he pushed him back into the waiting arms of a soldier, who proceeded to slap handcuffs on him.

  


"Ah Fuck." Evan said as he was led back to the tank brigade and tied into his seat.

  


***********

  


Back at the military base, Evan smiled as he stepped out the tank, a second electric scar slightly lower than the first one on his right arm. BBD did not look impressed. "What the fuck are you thinking?" BBD asked in a very pissed of tone.

  


"I'm trying to get fired." Evan said with a grin. 

  


All of the soldiers in the vicinity cocked their respective weapons and took aim. BBD waved them off, some disappointed moans were heard and Evan was lead into a simple brick building and put into a room with a one way mirror. BBD entered moments later and took the handcuffs, ropes, duct tape, and chains off of Evan that the soldiers had used just to keep him still. Evan's grin grew and he let out a little laugh. "More than you can handle?" he asked BBD.

  


"No. I've had worse." BBD said.

  


"Well, I guess I'm not trying hard enough."

  


"Just don't try anything else and you will become one of the highest paid individuals in the military." BBD offered.

  


Evan's grin shrunk down until he was looking solemn faced at BBD. "Why do I need to work for money, I can just kill and steal when I need something. I mean honestly! I'm the type of person who would walk into a KFC lock the doors and shoot everyone for a single piece of popcorn chicken. I'm that crazy and I damn well know it."

  


BBD took a deep breath. "I doubt even you would go that far." 

  


Evan started to grin again. "Well, I wouldn't mind some chicken right now, give me a big gun and something to lock the doors, I'm in the mood to hit up a KFC."

  


BBD shook his head. "I can't do that."

  


Evan faked a sad face. "Why? Do you not want me to kill things for money?"

  


BBD frowned. "Only certain things can be killed for money."

  


"Nuh uh! I killed lot's of people for their money!"

  


BBD hung his head, drew a magnum and shot Evan in the chest. He motioned to the mirror that he wanted Evan hauled out of there.

  


************

  


Evan awoke in a field of some kind of green plant. "What the fuck?" As soon as he said that a shitload of armed men rushed him screaming things in a weird language that sounded like, 'Budda Budda Budda!!'. Evan shook his head in disbelief. "What the fuck! I mean WHAT THE FUCK!!! Evan was then knocked unconscious by the butt of a rifle.

  


***************

  


Evan then awoke again. "Well this is unpleasant." He noted as his head threatened to explode. He noted that he was hanging upside down by a rope tied to his feet.

  


Just then a dude came in, he had greasy long black hair and was really ugly... like he picked too many pimples on his face when he was a kid. Evan laughed at him while pointing. The man frowned and pulled a machete from a table. "Choo tink dats funny hombre!?"

  


Evan laughed more. The dude slapped him, making him spin around. Evan had a magnum behind his back and shot the guy as he turned. Evan then shot the rope and fell on the floor. "OOOOWOWWW!!!!" Evan then ran away.

  


In a few minutes Evan came across a dirt bike that was place near a large wall. Evan looked at the wall, then the bike, then the wall, then the bike, then the wall and the bike again. "That is fucking impossible."He stated out loud as a hoard of Columbians rushed him with guns waving. Evan shrugged and reached behind him and drew a 50 calliber machine gun out of no where. "Good to know that my pocket universe is still intact."He said as he ripped the hoard into little tiny pieces with gratuitous machine gun fire. He then put the machine gun away and got on the bike, finding the key in the ignition he started it and made a blind drive at the wall just as the sound of rotor blades entered his ears. 

  


On the other side of the wall, two Columbians were having a delightful chat. 

  


"So I visited my mother on the weekend." Manuel said to his friend Chico. (Everyone from below Mexico and places like that are called either Chico, Manuel or José) 

  


"Oh, how is José?" Chico asked.

  


"Good." responded Manuel as a dirt bike cleared the wall not twenty feet behind them.

  


"Good." Chico said as the dirt bike landed on his skull and snapped his neck before grinding his flesh into pulp.

  


Evan smiled as he unconsciously shot Manuel with his precious desert eagle. "Heh. Triple X had the right, Gravity defying, idea."

  


*******************

  


BBD smiled as he watched the military-esque people that he owned bring in Evan who into his office. "Well, well, well! It seems I got myself a secret agent!"

  


Evan looked weak and possibly dehydrated. "Need... beer... now."

  


BBD shook his head. "I'm sorry I can't have you drinking on the job. It would be unethical." Evan then got out of the grasp of his captors and rushed BBD. Evan came up behind him and bit him on the neck. "What are you doing?" BBD asked.

  


"RRRGH VAMPIRE!!"

  


BBD just stood there. "Oookaaay."

  


Evan was then knocked unconscious for the umpteenth time.

  


*****************

  


3 hours later Evan woke up, he looked around for a second to get his bearings and noted that he was not in Kansas anymore, nor was his little dog toto with him. He shook his head trying to get the grip on reality he had lost so long ago. *Ok... dressed in normal clothes... on some sort of helicopter... feels like I have a gun holstered on my chest... bunch of guys in military clothes aiming guns at me... regular day. * Evan smiled groggily at the soldiers. "Are we going to the duchesses' tea party?"

  


The soldiers looked confused. "What the hell is this guy talking about?", and "He's our special agent?" were the questions asked amongst the military people on board the copter. 

  


Evan peeked out the window behind him. "Where are we going?"

  


One of the soldiers smiled. "Oh we're going on a little trip."

  


"Disneyland?" Evan asked.

  


The soldier just frowned. "No."

  


"Damn!"

  


**************

  


Josh smiled as he walked up to the theatre where Nabiki was waving at him. Josh smiled back and picked up the pace a bit, jogging over to her. "Hey Nabs! What was it you wanted me to do?" 

  


Nabiki smiled. "I wanted you to accompany me to a movie... I'm meeting a contact there."

  


Josh looked slightly confused. "Aaaaand what is my role in this?" 

  


Nabiki smiled and wrapped her arm around his. "You're my protection. This guy's kind of a bruiser and has a big temper."

  


Josh smiled sardonically at the girl. "So what do I get out of this? I don't do things for free."

  


Nabiki smiled. *me likey.* "I get you a high paying job of your choice, based on your skills." 

  


Josh nodded. "Sounds fair. So what movie are me going to meet this guy at?" Josh asked.

  


Nabiki smiled. "A walk in Manhattan."

  


Josh shivered. "That title sounds like a mix between bad and worse." Josh paused and touched his temples with his fingers.. "Let me guess it stars Jennifer Lopez, Mandy moore, and the guy from Red Dragon."

  


Nabiki giggled and dragged him into the theatre.

  


"Damn!! I was right."

  


*****************

  


The helicopter landed in the USA in another military facility. Evan stepped off, looked under his complementary tan trench coat and noted that he was carrying a customized magnum and had a few quick loads for it in a nearby pocket. *Nifty... now If I can kill all these people, hyjack the helicopter, learn how to fly it and go back to the tendo dojo I can get on with life... end up in a retirement home... but before that have a wife, 2.5 children a minivan and a white picket fence.... and the BIGGEST FUCKING LIQUOR CABINET THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN!!! * Evan smiled broadly and patted the magnum. *Here goes nothing. * He pulled out the magnum and was knocked out from behind for the umpteenth time again.

  


***********

  


He woke up in a containment cell, wearing only a pair of jeans and a black T-shirt. He shrugged, and brought a breeching charge from nowhere and attached it to the door. Five seconds later he was free. He pulled out a Submachine gun and started to walk towards the exit.

  


**********

  


Josh frowned as the dull, paralysing boredom of the chick flick numbed his senses. He looked over to Nabiki who was eating popcorn(which she made him buy for her). She seemed to be enjoying it... Jenifer lopez had just proposed to Flipper and The guy from red dragon was eating Mandy Moore(who was liking it). "When's your contact gonna get here!?!" Josh complained to his companion. (Date)

  


Nabiki looked at her watch. "Huh. I guess he didnt want to come..."

  


Josh sighed. "Can't say I blame him."

  


Nabiki smiled and put her hand on his leg. "Well we spent the money to get in here... we might as well enjoy the rest of the movie."

  


Josh chuckled slightly... "I don't know if 'enjoy' is the word I'd use." Josh then noticed about three minutes later that Nabiki hadn't taken her hand off of his leg. He looked over to her and she looked back... just smiling. Josh then pointed down to his crotch area where her hand was slowly travelling towards. "Do you want that back or is it comfortable where it is?" He asked.

  


Nabiki took her hand away. "Oh dear. I hadn't even noticed." 

  


Josh frowned... *Bad....bad...BAD acting.* He then mentally added. *The movie too. Watching this movie would be good torture for Evan. Maybe keep him in line.*

  


Speaking of which...

  


********************

  


Evan walked calmly into the Tendo dojo a short time after effectively destroying an entire military base. He grinned, "Mecca's make great getaway vehicles... especially ones that have incredible destructive capabilities." 

  


Soun looked on in horror as Evan kicked off his shoes, he pointed at the teen. "YOU!! YOU THE DESTROYER OF MY HOUSEHOLD!!! YOU CANNOT BE HERE!!! LEAVE!!!! AHHH!!!!" Soun then spouted tears, half expecting his house to be demolished that minute by tanks and SWAT vans.

  


Evan shrugged. "Yeah...about that.... sorry.... and where is Josh?"

  


Soun crawled away from Evan at an amazing speed. "NOT HERE!!! NOT HERE!!! HE LEFT!!! MOVIE!!! LEAVE!!! GO FIND HIM!!! STAY AWAY!!!"

  


Evan smiled. "Ok..."

  


Just then Kasumi walked in. "Oh, your Josh's friend right?" Evan nodded. "Please. Stay, have some tea."

  


Evan looked at Kasumi, then Soun and back to Kasumi. "You know... that would be lovely."

  


Kasumi smiled (As usual) and led Evan into the kitchen to prepare some tea while Soun cried... alot... like more than normal.... I mean.... where does he get all that water.... jeeze... does he drink a koi pond for breakfast and a swimming pool for lunch or something.... its not normal.... anywho... back to the story type thing....

  


A few minutes later Kasumi and evan were sitting out on the back step drinking their respective teas. "This is good tea Kasumi. Thanks for not shunning me like some kind of evil who brings death and destruction where ever he goes... like I kinda am..."

  


Kasumi smiled. "Oh it's no problem, I don't mind cleaning."

  


"Yeah... but I mean, I got whole walls destroyed and the next time I'm here they're all fixed... what's up with that?"

  


"I fix things fast..." Kasumi said faltering slightly in her words. 

  


Evan nodded. "So it seems... well, you do a good job of it if my opinion counts for anything."

  


Kasumi smiled. "Thank you."

  


*****************

  


{Is anyone seeing a pattern?}

  


Josh smiled as he entered the Tendo home. "Well that was a boring date." He said. "But you made up for the chick flick with the free food and hot sex." He added as he and Nabiki entered the house.

  


Nabiki looked at him confused. "Sex? We didn't have sex."

  


Josh laughed. "Yeah but it was funny cause your dad was standing right there!" He then noticed Evan sitting on the porch like thing with Kasumi. Josh frowned and automatically assumed the worst. Kasumi giggled as she noticed Josh. 

  


"Your friend is quite funny Josh." She said to him as Evan amused her with slights of hands involving pulling random objects out of his pocket dimension. 

  


"I'm sure he is Kasumi... I'm sure he is...." Josh gave Evan a glare that promised death and hurt, but Evan ignored it and continued to produce random objects. "Anyway, shouldn't the military be after you Evan?"

  


"Combined might of both USA and Japan by now." Evan said thoughtfully as he produced a small rabbit. "Why the hell do I have this in here?" 

  


Josh smiled at Kasumi. "You don't want to know."

  


Evan thought about it for a second, then a look of realization crossed his face. "The lesbian! Of course!! She's still in there!!... redecorating I'll bet."

  


Josh looked confused. "Since when did you have a lesbian in your personal pocket dimension?" He asked.

  


Evan shrugged. "One of the Jusenkyo cursed people from Lesboverse."

  


"That was an interesting universe eh Kasumi?" Josh asked.

  


Kasumi looked confused. "I'm sorry what?"

  


Josh just sighed. Nabiki then smiled. "Hey Kasumi. Me and Josh are going out now." She said as she threw her arms around Josh from behind.

  


"WHA!!!?!?!" Josh said looking confused. "When the hell did this happen!?! All I did was take you to a move!"

  


"On a date." Evan stated.

  


Soun then came up from behind the two and put his hands on their shoulders. "Ha ha! My boy! I see you like my daughter Nabiki... Very well you are now engaged!" 

  


Josh broke free of the mans grasp. "What the FUCK!?!?!? YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!! CAN HE DO THAT!?!?!?"

  


Evan produced a book of Japanese laws, flipped through it and nodded. "Yeah, he can... and did. But.... as the watcher overer of one Joshua VanHaltern, I demand a dowery!"

  


Soun frowned. "I don't know..."

  


"50 yen."

  


"Done."

  


Soun reached into his pocket and grabbed out 50 yen and handed it to Evan. "It's official. Josh, you can marry Nabiki and noone else unless negotiated with both myself and Soun Tendo."

  


Josh growled. "You bastard!" He yelled as he made a lunge at Evan who threw the bunny at Josh, unbalancing him and making him stumble to the ground.

  


"Bunnies make good decoys. Now! We must celebrate Soun!! It's not everyday someone gets engaged!" Evan offered.

  


Soun forgot his hate for the home wrecker and went of for a drink with him. Evan could only afford one bottle of Saki, at the cheap bar they went to which only costed 50 yen.

  


Josh frowned as he watched his new father in law and his ass hole best friend run away. "Fuckin ass hole!" He mumbled. 

  


Nabiki smiled up at him. "What's the matter? Don't you like me? Don't you want to marry me?"

  


Josh frowned. "Let's just say I don't like being forced into anything."

  


Just then Ranma came outside yawning. "What's all the racket? I'm trying to sleep."

  


Josh frowned more. "I've just been engaged to one of the Tendo daughters against my will."

  


Ranma frowned. "Join the club."

  


****************

  


The next morning Evan woke up beside Soun, both of them were pantless, Evan's eyes shot open. Soun groggily started to move and Evan hit him in the head with a nearby hobo shoe. The nearby hobo was not pleased. "HEY! THAS MY HOBO SHOE!!!"

  


Evan paused, blinked, blinked again and shot the hobo. The then tossed Soun into a nearby hobo wheelbarrow, he shot that hobo before he could complain. Pantless Evan wheeled a pantless Soun onto a nearby baseball field but not before passing a large building in the shape of an L. Soun woke up hours later, Evan had left far before that so he really had no idea how or why his pants weren't where they were supposed to be.

  


****************

  


Ranma and Josh sat on the Tendo roof. "You got school tomorrow." Josh said to the black haired boy. "That should be really fun ne?"

  


Ranma rolled his eyes. "School sucks. I never really much cared for the thing." Ranma paused and then looked over to his Western companion. "Why don't you have to go to school?" He asked.

  


Josh smiled. "Cause I'm a little over 20 years old." Josh then sighed and lowered his head. "I have to get a job though... that and I'm sure Nabiki will somehow manage to enroll me in a college... She's the kind of girl that wants an educated man."

  


Ranma sniffed. "At least you know your fiancé somewhat... I've never met this Akane girl in my life... and she doesn't seem too nice."

  


Josh chuckled. "You think you have it worse... I was married to Kasumi at one point... now I'm engaged to her sister. It just seems... wrong." Ranma nodded. Josh sighed. "At least you got your martial arts to back you up. That'll help you out once you gain more friends and enemies. I'm just a normal chump with a friend who is an absolute maniac."

  


Ranma looked thoughtful. "Was it that black haired guy that came by earlier who was being chased by the tanks? Man that's weird."

  


Josh snickered. "So says the man with the Jusenkyo curse that makes him turn into a girl version of himself."

  


Ranma frowned. "Pfft! Not like I want to turn into a girl." He said.

  


Josh snorted in humour. "You're probably the only one. Can't you see what you could do with that curse?"

  


Ranma shook his head.

  


Josh continued. "You can get into any place that only girls can go. You could go anywhere that guys can go... limitless possibilities at the splash of the right temperature water."

  


Ranma looked thoughtful. "But it takes away my manhood." He stated.

  


Josh breathed out a sigh of exasperation. "Ranma... Manhood is a state of mind! It's all in here!" He said tapping his head. "Your curse means nothing to me... your dad... Akane's dad. And there'll probably be a few girls that come along later on that like you whether you're in cursed form or not!" 

  


Ranma smiled a little bit. "Really?" 

  


Josh nodded and continued. "Your curse is a blessing Ranma... The people who truly love you are those that will accept you in your true form and your cursed form, no matter what. That's why I wish I had one right now."

  


Ranma looked into Joshes eyes as the boy turned away from him and looked towards the moon, all he could see was trust and sincerity... Ranma looked down at the koi pond, then back up to the sky, smiling. Moment later something big, and heavy came flying towards him. Ranma quickly leapt out of the way and landed a short distance away on the roof. "WHAT THE HELL!?!?!" He screamed as he looked to the thing that was occupying the space where he had just been sitting. 

  


Josh smiled up at the rocky monstrosity that just landed, breaking some of the roof but not actually penetrating it. "Hey JD." He said.

  


Ranma looked shocked. "This another FRIEND of yours!?!?!" he questioned while breathing heavily. 

  


Josh nodded. "Yup."

  


JD Turned and sat down beside Josh, ignoring Ranma for the moment. "Hey." He replied. 

  


"So how's your week been?" Josh asked his gargoyle-esque friend. 

  


"Odd." He responded. "I had a baby, expunged it's sins at a church and realized that she grows at an incredible rate... though now that her claws and wings have developed she's seemed to slow down to a normal speed or human growth."

  


Josh nodded. "Interesting. Where is she?"

  


"AAAAAAHHHH!!!!"

  


WHACK!!!!

  


"OWWWWW!!!!!!" Josh screamed as he held his face in pain.

  


The rock like thing that hit him stood up an the roof and frowned at JD. "DADDY!!!! I TOLD YOU TO WAIT UP!!! WHAT IF I GOT LOST!? I WANT CANDY!!!!"

  


Josh frowned and glared at the little girl... who he just realized now... had a penis coming out of her neck. "Ewwww." Josh stated.

  


JD sighed. "Now you see what I have to deal with." He complained to his best friend.

  


"A brat?" Ranma offered, getting a kick in his shin from the little rock gargoyle girl. 

  


Josh chuckled. "Yeah! A miniature version of your frigging sister." He added.

  


JD glared at the blonde haired man. "NOT FUNNY!!"

  


Josh chuckled. "Yeah right. Let's go Ranma... It's getting late." Josh then turned to JD. "You staying anywhere tonight?"

  


JD nodded. "I figured me and hell spawn would stay in the broken bell tower on that church down the street."

  


Josh nodded. "Fitting."

  


"Ass hole." JD muttered.

  


***************

  


Evan wheeled Soun back to the Tendo dojo later that night, after having a talk about waking up with no pants and being assured that nothing happened, but still being perplexed about the whole anti pants thing. He shrugged it off and hoisted the Martial Arts teacher over his shoulder and hauled him inside, only to be greeted by Kasumi and an angered Akane.

  


Evan waved with his free arm and set Soun down on a nearby couch. "Hey." Evan muttered in an extremely tired voice.

  


Akane looked at Evan, his lack of pants and then her father, noting the lack of pants. She growled menacingly. Evan frowned, reached into his pocket dimension and pulled out a tanglefoot bag (A handheld trap involving a very sticky and reactive substance that enlarges on contact with air found in most fantasy universes) he signed and tossed the bag at Akane who punched it, assuming an attack. She was rewarded by loosing the ability to move for the rest of the night. Evan grinned, looked over at Kasumi, who frowned. "What?" Evan queried before gagging Akane with a hand towel.

  


Kasumi pointed at her sister. "Let her go." She stated, seeming to be on the verge of angering.

  


Evan frowned. "Why? She was going to beat me up. I just want some peace and quiet for a minute, being chased by entire militaries isn't easy or rewarding work you know."

  


Kasumi continued to point. "If you don't release my sister from whatever that goop is, then you can find peace and quiet elsewhere! And she had every right to assume the worst. Or did you expect a warm welcome, walking into our house with our pantless and unconscious father slung over your shoulders!"

  


Evan pondered this for a minute. "You've got a point there." He reached into his pocket dimension and rummaged around for a minute, taking his time to prolong the time before Akane flipped out on him. "Got it." He then produced a single piece of parchment with some strange glyphs on it. He then recited the meanings of the glyphs in draconic, a tongue neither Kasumi or Akane would fathom being able to speak. 

  


As soon as Evan finished the contents of the tanglefoot bag hardened, and shattered into dust. Evan sighed and expected the worst. Akane and Kasumi were held breathless. 

  


"Wha- What the hell did you just do?" Akane asked.

  


"Minor magic." Evan stated, still speaking draconic before remembering and switching over to Japanese. "A small magic trick."

  


"And what were those sounds you made?" Kasumi asked.

  


"Draconic... and it's a language, spoken only by dragons and wizards." {Though Evan is no longer a wizard thus any spell that he chants in another language could be potentially harmful to himself and others due to the fact that he has no mana reserves and no way of collecting mana from outside sources.}

  


"Dragons?" Akane asked in amazement. 

  


"Yeah... can I go to sleep now?" Evan asked, pointing to the floor.

  


Akane and Kasumi both nodded staring dumbfounded as evan pulled out a small mattress, a blanket and three pillows. He then proceeded to pass out from exhaustion.

  


*********

  


Josh sighed as he looked over the letter Nabiki had given him the next day which clearly stated. "You have been accepted into Yamahachi's Medical University. "Aaah Fuck!" He stated. 

  


Just then Nabiki came into the guest room that he was staying in. "You better get ready before you miss your first class sweety." She stated.

  


Josh shivered at the word 'sweety' coming from her mouth directed at him. He then frowned at her and held up the letter. "Medical school!?!?" He asked sternly. "How did you get me into medical school!?!?"

  


Nabiki shrugged. "Easily I manipulated legal documents and created fake high school grades for you... and a false identity."

  


"What?" Josh asked baffled at his fiances words. "False Identity? What's wrong with the one I have!?!?!"

  


Nabiki blink blinked. "It doesn't exist."

  


Josh frowned as he read his new drivers license. "But, Hamahiro Hamamohoto? I don't even look Japanese!"

  


Nabiki smiled and pecked him on the cheek. "I made a complete fake family history for you so it's all explained. Memorize it."

  


Josh wiped the place on his face that she kissed. "Why medical school? I'm a freaking artist! I do cartoons and comics! I've failed math four times, and science twice. I will not fit in!"

  


Nabiki smiled "Don't worry about a thing Ham Ham, Let me handle all of the logistics."

  


Josh frowned. "Why did you just call me Ham Ham?"

  


"Hamahiro, Hamamohoto.... Ham Ham?" she offered.

  


"THAT IS THE MOST HOMOSEXUAL NICKNAME I HAVE EVER HEARD!!!"

  


All of a Sudden Evan walked by on his way to the pisser. "Morning Joshikins."

  


Immediately after Ranma came into the guest room. "Hey Josh-chan. Do you have a map of Nerima handy? I want to see if there's any good cheap restaurants around."

  


Josh frowned. "Why does everyone always have to prove me wrong?"

  


***********************

  


Author's notes: { Well that was a longer chapter than usual... but this new story arc is easier to write due to it's back to basics ideas. Thus the title. Well I have to admit Nabiki does have her charms... but..., that's a big but too, she's way too manipulative and I'm way too gullible, thus a relationship with her would probably be a nightmare.{HAM HAM FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!} Yeah well that's about it for me... oh yeah... we're kicking JD off of the SI team because he's never here to write with us. We'll probably kill his character too. That's a big probably, leaning more to the yes side. Alright we're killing off his character. YA HAPPY!?!?!?} 

  
  


(I'm actually having some fun with this new arc... unlike the old stuff that was repetitive and dull, despite the Pant Man battles. Those were always great... and classic... and I can speak draconic. And the whole Akane/tanglefoot bag thing needed to happen. I mean FUCK!!! SHE IS A HO!!! DIE MOTHERFUCKER HO FACE SLUT HEAD!!!.... bye)

  


Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com

Agasaki Ishano: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com

  


Snoogins

  
  
  



	31. Your Fault

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Self Insertion

  


Chapter 31

  


Your Fault

  


Josh frowned as he looked over his University schedule. "How the hell did I get myself into this?" He wondered out loud as he walked across the school campus towards the main building. A tiny little voice in the back of his head replied silently. *Because like an idiot you chose to associate with Nabiki this time around.*

  


Josh sighed. He should have saw this coming. It depressed him so much because Kasumi died only a week or so ago and now he was engaged to her sister... with probably no chance of getting back to the woman he truly loves. He wasn't really paying a whole lot of attention to where exactly he was going and accidentally bumped into a person. He was startled a little bit and dropped his books to the ground. "Sorry." He muttered as he bent down to pick up his book while the person opposite him did the same to the ones he dropped. "I wasn't watching where I was going."

  


"That's all right." Came the strangely familiar voice from the man.

  


Josh looked up slightly surprised to see the man there. "Dr. Tofu?" He asked. "What are you doing here?"

  


Tofu adjusted his glasses and looked the young man in front of him over. "Have we met?" He asked, not being able to place the face. 

  


Josh stumbled for a bit as the last books were picked up and offered a Hand. "I'm J...Hamahiro. But, uhh, Everyone calls me Josh. I've been living with the Tendo family this past week or so. I'm uh," Josh then swallowed a sudden lump in his throat before continuing his last sentence. "Nabiki's... fiance."

  


Tofu shook the mans hand and smiled. "Nabiki, I'm surprised. I always thought that Akane would be married first due to her popularity with the boys. Aren't you a bit old for Nabiki?"

  


Josh chuckled as they stood up. "Heh, heh. It was an arranged marriage."

  


Tofu and Josh began to walk towards the school together. "Hamahiro...That's an odd name for a westerner." Tofu commented as they entered the main building. 

  


Josh chuckled, thinking back to the false history that Nabiki had given to him. "I was aaah... adopted... parents killed in car crash, no other relatives."

  


Tofu looked sorry that he asked. "Sorry to bring it up."

  


Josh shrugged "It's okay... I'm also the last member of my adopted family. They all died in a plane crash on their way back from Hawaii. But I'm much better on my own... they used to beat me and mentally abuse me." Josh groaned internally. *That is the biggest load of horseshit I have ever had repeat.* Josh then remembered back to his first meeting with the new old Tofu. "Say Dr. Tofu? What are you doing here?"

  


"Oh I'm sorry." Tofu apologized. "I teach a lecture here at the University every week. I've been doing it for about three years now. I might actually start teaching my own class sometime this year or the next."

  


Josh nodded appreciatively. "Nice. I actually wanted to go into art but my fiancé wanted me to be a little more... a screw it she just wants me to be rich and powerful."

  


Tofu nodded. "That sounds more like Nabiki. She does love money."

  


Josh rolled his eyes. "Tell me about it. I don't even know why she wants to marry me. I didn't think she was even interested in men. She just always seemed too..."

  


"Busy?" Tofu offered..

  


Josh nodded. "Yeah... busy, extorting, blackmailing, betting, Amateur Pornographic distribution..."

  


Tofu looked surprised. "She doesn't actually do all that does she?"

  


Josh ooped a little bit. "No... not... really... but since I am engaged to her, with no hope of salvation, I might as well make the best of it and try to be good to her."

  


Tofu nodded. "Very loyal of you. If you ever want to get a little more studying done, or extra curricular studies I'm a short distance away from the Tendo home and I'd be glad to help. They're like family to me so I guess that makes you like family too."

  


Josh smiled. "Thanks doctor Tofu."

  


Tofu nodded. "Any time you need a hand." The two continued to talk about little unimportant things and school related things for a little while longer before parting ways. Josh then made his way towards the main office to get a map. The university was just too big and he'd probably end up being late or getting lost.

  


**************

  


Akane and Kasumi stood over Evan, watching his every move and hoping to watch another of his interesting magic tricks. Evan grumbled as the pair stared on. *Why don't they just leave. My powers are ungodly limited. I was barely in tune to the magic enough to break the tanglefoot bag... which I thought even Kasumi would appreciate. * The black haired teen at the pair of hovering girls. *Normally this would be nice... two decent looking girls paying attention to me for long periods of time and not even having to try... but this is ridiculous. * 

  


Akane broke her gaze from Evan for a second to turn to her sister. "Is he going to do anything cool?"

  


Kasumi shrugged but kept staring at Evan. "He must be conserving his energy for something really good."

  


Akane nodded like she knew it all along and returned to staring at Evan. Evan looked back at the girls. "Don't you have something better to do?" He asked nicely. 

  


Akane and Kasumi both shook their heads no.

  


"Nothing? No dishes? No boys to beat on?"

  


Evan received another simultaneous head shaking.

  


"....I mean, can't you just find something new to stare at? I hear koi ponds are good staring material and hey! You have one right outside, and its such a beautiful day out too!"

  


The girls continued to stare at him. 

  


"Alright... I'll go out to the Koi pond... alone... and stare at it... cause its such a nice day for staring at Koi... in a pond..."

  


Evan then stood up and walked out into the back yard and took up a spot on a rock beside the koi pond, being followed by the girls, who sat on the grass nearby, the staring continued. Evan staring at the Koi, The girls staring at Evan and the Koi staring at... something... other Koi maybe... or their pond... or a third thing... Evan moaned in agony. "If I do one cool trick will you leave me alone?"

  


The girls nodded yes, looking excited.

  


Evan reached into his pocket dimension and pulled out a scroll of dancing lights. *Better keep the spells low level or I'm gonna start losing appendages. * He noted as he unrolled the scroll.

  


Before he could start reading Akane spoke up. "Can't you do magic without scrolls?"

  


Evan blink blinked. "No. Do you want to see this or not?"

  


Akane closed her mouth. Evan revelled in the control he had over the super bitch.

  


He spoke the words on the scroll and closed his eyes as a huge flash of light flashed from the fingertips on his right hand. Akane and Kasumi applauded after rubbing their eyes. Evan smiled and started to force the colours to change and dance in intricate patterns. *Ah magic, how fun it is to wield... just liek the old days... cept in the old days it was all about destructive magics... now its wussy magic to draw attention to myself... I miss being feared. * As Evan started to slip into memory his lights continued to amaze to two girls, who responded with claps and giggles.

  


**************

  


Josh groaned as he stumbled into the Tendo house carrying a stack of books that weighed his arms down and rose well over top of his head. "Why God?" He whimpered as he desperately tried to get into the house. "Evan's the one that did most of the killing."

  


Just then Somebody grabbed Josh's ass and he jumped slightly startled and dropped all of the University textbooks and notes. "Welcome home." Nabiki said with a smile.

  


"GOD DAMN IT!!!" Josh screamed as he glared at his fiance. "Do you have any idea how long it's taken me to get home carrying all those things?" 

  


Nabiki smiled and wrapped her arms around him. "Hmmm. Well I guess we'll just have to find some way to mend your wounds." She said in a rather sultry voice. Although since Josh knew her it was just creepy.

  


"All right. That's it." He said. "This is scaring the crap out of me." Josh held Nabiki out at arms length and frowned directly at her. "What is it you see in me?"

  


Nabiki smiled. "I think you're cute." 

  


Josh smiled sarcastically. "Right. How about you save that for someone without a brain like Kuno. I know you, you're not even interested in relationships. Why would you want to jump into a marriage with a random stranger?"

  


Nabiki smiled. "Because we both know how to manipulate each other to get what we want. As soon as I met you I knew that you were the one." Nabiki then put on her sardonic look. "That and all the other boys are afraid of me. I have dated... but every one has ended in utter disaster."

  


Josh nodded. "That's pretty good. That and I can see why they'd all run away."

  


Nabiki frowned. "What are you afraid of me too?" she asked.

  


Josh shook his head. He then lowered it and sighed. After a moment he pulled Nabiki into a light embrace and frowned. "My wife died a week ago. You also have one of the worst reputations in Nerima. I'm sorry if I get you mad or sad or whatever but I'm gonna try to make the best of it."

  


Nabiki smiled genuinely and returned the hug. Josh looked off into space(figuratively)and looked thoughtful. *Geez I guess I never really thought about Nabiki in the relationship sense much. She was always such a background character.* Josh then let his eyes travel downward and smiled. * She does have a pretty nice ass though.*

  


"Good to see you two are getting along."

  


Josh looked over to Ranma, still smiling. "Hey Ranma. How was school?"

  


Ranma growled. "Hell! I met this guy Kuno right!? And this guy keeps on tryin to fight me! Then he's all tryin to make out with my girl body when I change!!"

  


Josh chuckled. "Sounds rough... you kick his ass?"

  


Ranma nodded vigorously. "You damn right I did!! The pervert!!"

  


Josh shrugged. "Why cry over spilt milk? You didn't try to kiss him back did you?"

  


Ranma suddenly looked disgusted. "HELL NO!!!"

  


Josh put a little sardonic sneer on. "Well then he's really the only pervert. All you gotta do is kick his ass daily... could be fun right?" He asked. 

  


Ranma looked thoughtful for a moment then shrugged and walked into the house. "What was that all about?" Nabiki asked her fiancé as she watched Ranma calmly walk into the house.

  


Josh smiled. "I'm trying to get him comfortable with his curse..."

  


"Why?" His fiancé asked.

  


Josh just smirked. "Oh I have plans for him."

  


Nabiki suddenly became very, VERY aroused by her new fiancés manipulative sneakiness.

  


*****************

  


Evan walked out the front door of the Tendo residence to retry the conquest of his arcade and was greeted with a very special surprise. The military was back. "EVAN MCNEELY!!! WALK OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!!!"

  


Evan shrugged and walked out as they ordered, his hands in the air. Everyone in the area was taken aback at his compliance. "NOW DROP THE KNIVES!!!"

  


Evan looked down at his hands in which were two throwing knives. "I can't."

  


"Please?"

  


Evan hung his head. "Ok." He then dropped the knives, narrowly missing his own feet. "Whoa... that was close..."

  


The military then arrested him. Some soldiers carried evan into a tank... or rather tied him up, gagged him, and threw him in. Once they were all piled into the tank... Evan once again confronted BBD. "Hello." BBD said. "I'm surprised that we we're able to get you again."

  


"Cause I'm good right?"

  


"No, cause you're crazy.."

  


"That still doesn't make sense BBD?"

  


"BBD?" BBD asked.

  


Evan shrugged. "Yeah... Burny Black Dude... Duuuh... uhhhh."

  


The other soldiers in the tank started to chuckle. BBD quickly shut them up with a simple glare and then turned his attention back to Evan. "Listen kid." He started angrily. "I'm giving you a chance of a lifetime... most people with the skill would kill to be a secret agent for the secret service."

  


"Uh huh? And?" Evan asked. 

  


"You get to fight against world class villains and terrorists!!" BBD offered forcefully. 

  


Evan frowned. "If you're not spending millions of dollars a month to train me as a ninja I don't want to hear it."

  


BBD's left eye twitched as he realized the strange and irritating boys intentions. He then forcefully calmed himself down and smiled. "Well you're in luck Mr. Evan... that's exactly what we're doing."

  


Evan looked back tto BBD from the hatch of the Tank in which he was opening to climb out of at that moment, with a pile of unconscious military men piled on the floor. "Really... and here I was about to run away again." Evan then sat down.

  


BBD looked back and forth from the hatch and the now seated Evan. "How did you...?" He asked, confused as to how the boy had released himself from his bonds and taken out the guards within a blink of an eye. He then smirked at the boy. "It doesn't seem that you need much training."

  


Evan then farted. "That's right... that was me."

  


BBD twitched again. "We'll have to work on your silence though.

  


******************

  


Two weeks later Josh was walking down the hall towards the guest room holding his right arm in pain. "Ow." He muttered as he moved it around, trying to get feeling back into it. "This martial arts stuff is a lot tougher without that perception point that Happosai gave me." Josh passed by Nabiki's room and nearly ignored it but something caught his attention out of the corner of his eye. He walked into the room and looked around, all the stuff that he had purchased the past couple weeks and put on the walls of the guest room were now adorning Nabiki's room, and she suddenly had a much larger bed that looked like it could accommodate at least two people. "What are you doing?" He asked his fiancé with a little bit of a suspicious frown. 

  


Nabiki looked up and smiled. "I'm making our bed."

  


Josh frowned. "I'm sorry... 'our' bed?" He asked, not quite able to wrap his mind around that sentence. "What do you mean 'our' bed?" 

  


Nabiki turned back and continued to smooth out the blankets on the bed. "Well. We've been engaged for a couple of weeks now and I figure we might as well sleep together." 

  


"And what part of that makes sense?" Josh asked quite baffled by the girl's less than ordinary behaviour. "I'm at least three years older than you and have quite a normal sex drive... what makes you think I'm not going to take advantage of you in this kind of situation?"

  


Nabiki blinked. "Actually I was kind of counting on it."

  


Josh sighed. "Why are you of all people trying to rush into this type of thing?"

  


Nabiki frowned. "We've already discussed this Josh!"

  


Josh mock sighed. "Ah yes. Your desperate struggle to abolish your horrible reputation and become a normal girl. I take it this is just one of those things that you'll want to gab with the girlfriends about then huh?"

  


Nabiki frowned. "I want to fit IN!!!" She yelled at him. "Now get in my bed and have sex with me dear!" She said while glaring at her fiancé, and pointing at her bed.

  


Josh frowned. "No Nabiki... I agreed to try and make this engagement work but I'm not going to rush things like this." Josh then walked over to the closet and pulled out a Futon, he put it on the floor and grabbed one of the pillows off of his fiancé's bed. "I'll just sleep on the floor. Now I've slowly been warming up to you but let me take it slow, please." 

  


Nabiki lowered her head and sighed. "All right" 

  


Josh suddenly felt a pang of guilt. He hated hurting girls feelings. Josh then walked up to her and brushed his one hand through her hair. He then pulled her into a light, warm kiss. "You won't lose me any time soon. I said I'd stick with this wacky engagement and I always keep my promises."

  


Nabiki smiled and crawled into the bed. "Good night Josh.

  


Josh smiled and rolled himself into his futon... the moment he layed down his skin tingled for a moment and he shivered. *That was weird.*

  


*****************

  


Nabiki awoke the next morning and yawned. The new bed that she had bought the night before was very comfortable. She rolled over to see Josh... then she screamed and backed up towards the wall that her bed was against. 

  


Josh awoke with a start, due to Nabiki's scream and fell to the floor. "What th..." THUMP! "OWW!" Josh then got up and rubbed his head as he looked towards the ceiling through his long blonde hair. "How did I get up there?"

  


Nabiki wasn't screaming anymore and was just looking at Josh confusedly. "J...Josh?" She wondered. 

  


Josh nodded. "Yeah who else would I be?" Josh then took a look at his hand and screamed. "AAAAAHHHH!!! WHAT'S HAPPENED TO MY SKIN!!! AND MY HAND!!! I LOOK LIKE...!" Josh then got up and ran towards Nabiki's mirror. Josh then assessed his image, calmly this time. "Okay... Blue skin... Pointy ears... Hand with only two, larger than normal, fingers and a thumb... Feet with virtually the same thing... and a tail... I look like Nightcrawler all of a sudden." Josh then turned around towards Nabiki Exasperated. "HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN!??!"

  


Nabiki was now standing up... "But..." She started. "You were normal just last night." 

  


Josh looked confused and sat down on his fiancé's nearby desk chair. "I've got a bad feeling about this..." He started. "I'm betting this is some sort of reality thing."

  


"What?" Nabiki said, slowly inching her way towards the now blue fiance.

  


Josh sighed. "Reality... as in, like, alternate realities. It's probably something to do with that." Josh then smiled and looked up at her. "Still wanna marry me?" He asked. Smiling and showing off his new sharp teeth.

  


Nabiki nodded, although, somewhat reluctantly.

  


Josh frowned. *DAMN! Here I almost thought it was a blessing in disguise!* Josh then sighed. "I wonder if anyone else turned into some sort of amalgamation." 

  


Just then "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!" 

  


Joshes ears perked up and he looked in the direction of where he heard the scream. "That came from Ranma's room." He stated. He then started running towards the Jusenkyo cursed teen's room. Nabiki followed, now curious as to what was happening. Josh burst into the guest room the moment he got there. "RANMA!?" He called out. He then froze in his tracks as he saw three Ranmas, all dressed the same, circling each other. Two of them were male and the other one female. "What the hell?"

  


"There's multiple Ranmas." Nabiki stated in shock.

  


All three of the Ranma's turned towards the two newcomers as Genma's panda form cringed in fear in the corner. They all noticed Joshes strange new appearance. "AHH! What happened to you?" They all asked at the same time. 

  


"We we're about to ask you guys the same thing." Josh said pointing towards the trio.

  


The three Ranma's then looked back to each other and glared. "I just woke up and then these two idiots appeared out of nowhere!" The Male Ranma #1 screamed.

  


"NO WAY!!! Male Ranma #2 screamed back. "I'M THE REAL RANMA!!!"

  


"Come on guys." The female Ranma said trying to calm the other ones down. "There should be a way to find out which of us is the real one.

  


Ranma 1 sniffed disdainfully. "Well you're definitely not it."

  


"Yeah." Ranma 2 seconded. 

  


"ARE YOU ASS HOLES SINGLING ME OUT CAUSE I'M THE GIRL HALF!!!" She screamed in reply.

  


"SHUT UP!!!" Josh screamed at the trio, shuting them up just as he had intended. "How about we discuss this over breakfast in a civilised manner guys. We're not going to get anywhere yelling at each other."

  


The Ranma's all glared at each other and reluctantly nodded.

  


*****************

  


Evan woke up late that day. He groaned and looked at the digital clock in his 'economy' class room consisting of a bed, and a digital clock. Evan shivered. *It's fucking cold in here... and I like it... weird. * He looked around and was surprised to find a thin layer of frost covering everything in the room. *What? This is messed... is it some kind of environment training or something, cause I'm Canadian, I can handle freezing weather. *

  


Just then BBD walked into the room, his jaw dropped as he entered, and Evan matched his jaw droppiness. "WHAT THE FUCK!?!!" They yelled at the same time. 

  


"Why the hell are you blue? And furry?" Evan asked his employer, who looked himself over and seemed as surprised as Evan.

  


"I don't know... why the hell is your room covered in frost?"

  


"I don't know... But I find it quite comfortable... I am Canadian after all." Evan responded.

  


A long silence followed. BBBD (Blue Burny Black Dude) broke it by saying "Your Canadian?"

  


"Yeah... um, do you have the ninja guy to train me yet?"

  


"Umm... not yet."

  


"See ya later then." Evan said as he started to walk out of the door. BBBD responded with a swift kick aimed at Evan's back, he connected fully. Evan dropped to the floor and put a hand to his back, putting pressure on the spot where he was kicked. "You're making me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry." Evan said as he got to his feet.

  


The teen swung a punch at BBBD who rolled backwards, kicked off the floor and then the wall, launching himself at the youth at a blinding speed. Evan brought his hands up to stop the attack and found that it worked. BBBD ran straight into a wall of ice that had sprung out of nowhere. "Sweet." Evan commented as he made his escape.

  


*************

  


Josh smiled as he sat at the table with the Tendos and the Ranma's. Kasumi was currently... on fire. Most of the people were looking at her. "What?" She asked timidly. "It's keeping the tea warm."

  


Soun looked towards Josh. For some reason he had a big letter M over his right eye. "Josh? Do you know what's going on here?"

  


Josh nodded.. "Actually I think I figured it out." He said with a nod. "The dimensions are collapsing and aspect of them are mixing with this one. I've been turned into a Nightcrawler type person, Kasumi is the human torch, and Ranma has gained the ability of Jamie Madrox the multiple man.

  


"So is this permanent?" The Ranmas asked together.

  


"Oh yeah." Josh stated. "Have you tried changing your curse?" 

  


The Ranmas nodded, the female version somewhat sadly. "Yeah." The first male said.

  


"But it didn't change us." The second male said with a smile. 

  


"And I'm stuck as a fucking CHICK!!!" The single female one said. "I have no luck."

  


"So how come we don't have cool powers too?" Akane asked, indicating herself and Nabiki. Josh just shrugged. Akane crossed her arms and pouted. "No fair! I wanted to fly or something."

  


Kasumi smiled. "Well isn't this nice."

  


Josh looked at her confusedly. "Aren't you going to turn the flames off?"

  


Kasumi shook her head. "When I burst into flames all my clothes, and my bed were incinerated... I'm naked underneath."

  


Josh got a glazed look in his eyes. "Sweeet."

  


Kasumi looked angered and was about to say something as a familiar voice spoke up. "Very sweet."

  


Evan smiled as he smoothly walked into the dojo, slipped in a puddle of water and slide across the floor until he hit the table near kasumi, who dropped the tea pot of boiling water , before it hit him it mysteriously froze, became solid and hit him in the chest. "Omph.....kay..." Evan smiled.

  


Kasumi looked like she was about to flip out. "MY TEA!!"

  


Josh glared at Evan. "Let me guess... Iceman."

  


"You figured it out too huh?" Evan asked as he righted himself into a kneeling position at the table. "I prefer to think of my self as Sub Zero... Deadly ninja and frozen person extra-ordinaire."

  


Josh rolled his eyes. "Right. Well it seems a lot of people have inherited some strange power overnight." He stated. "Kasumi is the human torch, Ranma is the Multiple man..."

  


"My condolences." Evan offered the Ranmas. 

  


"HEY!!" They responded rather forcefully. 

  


Josh continued. "...Soun is Bishop, and I am Nightcrawler." 

  


Evan smiled. "I noticed a lot of other mutant type people around town. There's a bunch of nightcrawlers, human torches, Mr. Fantastics, Bishops... everything. Think this has something to do with us?" He questioned.

  


Josh smirked. "Do you have to ask?"

  


Evan shrugged. "Meh."

  


"You bloody right it does!" Came a voice from the kitchen. Everyone turned towards the source and saw a man with wings. 

  


"Either you're a dude who inherited the powers of archangel or you're another one of those angels." Josh said to the guy.

  


The man walked out of the kitchen into the room everyone else was in and continued to frown as he had been doing all along. "The second one. Do you two have any idea how much damage you've done to the realities?" Evan and Josh nodded. The angel rolled his eyes. "It's a MOOT question you fools! All that warping between realities has created aural links in between them all and they're starting to merge with this central reality since this is where you started your little trip." He then pointed to Evan. "You're little friend there has been using the initial spell improperly. It's all his fault." 

  


Josh sighed. "So... what do you want us to do about it? You took all of out powers away remember?"

  


The angel chuckled a bit. "Good thing too! Elsewise you boys would have killed way too many people here, only messing things up more. Right now God blames you, God's pissed off at you, and as soon as he finds a way to do so, he's making YOU fix it!"

  


Evan looked confused. "Me or him?" He asked the winged habitant of heaven. Indicating himself and Josh beside him.

  


"BOTH OF YOU!!!!" He screamed. He then calmed down a bit and turned around. "Right well I need to get back home... we're absolutely swamped. Even though we rewound time all the dimensions are being acted out improperly. Well... tah." With that the angel dissapeared.

  


Josh turned back to the family. "Well that was weird." 

  


"What was weird Josh?" Nabiki asked her fiance. 

  


"You mean you didn't see that angel dude with the wings talking about the end of the world and pie?" Evan asked surprised at the Tendo family in general. 

  


"No." Kasumi stated. She then smiled. "Although it certainly does sound weird." 

  


Josh rolled his eyes. "Ah yes he did one of his magical 'stop everything but who you're talking with' things that angels and god like beings love to do." 

  


Evan pouted and crossed his arms. "I used to be able to do that."

  


******************

  


author's notes: {Well this is strange eh? All of a sudden when you thought things were normal again everybody's got powers. And the dimensions are mixing. And Evan's being trained as an assassin by BBBD. 'Re actually following a set story right now unlike in the early SI days where we'd think up everything on the spot. I'm sure you've noticed this by now. Currently Evan's not here to do author's notes so I'll just do them myself. He's off in Quebec getting drunk for the entire weekend. Boy doesn't that sound fun(sarcastic). JD's not writing anymore so we're killing off his character. Me and Evan are the main characters anyway. JD's more like scrappy doo, the annoying sidekick like thing meant to bring comic relief to an otherwise dying franchise. But we're not dying. SI will live for ever. I mean... we've got thirty one chapters already... that's not bad.}

  


(I AM .... JONNY 5 IS ALIVE!!!!! JONNY 5!!!!.... short circuit is an old movie....)

  


{Yeah that was the real Evan... I'm sure you could tell buy now.}

  


Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com

Agasaki Ishano: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com

JD: seifer_2@hotmail.com

_hate mail to Morden's brother who prevents him from writing a lot can be sent to: ___jacobvanhalteren@hotmail.com

  


JD and AKKomodo's new web site. 

  


SHWING!!

  



	32. One Month Later

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Self Insertion

  


Chapter 32

  


Almost Normal

  


One month later.

  


Evan sat prone in a church. His target was directly below him. The teen smiled as he looked his middle aged target over. He was getting fat, must have a desk job, probably drank a lot. *Waiter, one dead fat guy please!* Evan mentally said to himself while holding up a hand to signal an invisible waiter. *Is that all?... Yes please... Oh and on ice as well. ... Of course sir.... why thank you my good man.... oh think nothing of it.... but I must thank you.... oh fine, if you must.... * Evan stopped. *It is time.* he thought over dramatically as he focussed on freezing the blood in the man's veins. Within a minute it was done. The fat old guy fell over dead and quite stiff. Evan left the church through the roof and walked away calmly. He pushed his ninja headband, which he had stolen from his teacher, up and smiled. "I am fucking bored." 

  


Evan had been training to be a ninja for the last two weeks, once the army had caught him again, and he and Josh had still not heard from the angel dude on what they were supposed to do to fix the universes. He'd been training almost non-stop with breaks only to assassinate an easy target like the fat paedophile priest that he just took care of. However Evan had noticed that his targets had been progressively harder... though with his ice powers it was much easier. He had trouble sometimes with people who had gained powers much like him and Josh. Those ones usually gave him a run for his money. Evan decided to go back to the secret spy base like thingy that he'd been staying at to get trained. His next lesson was on how to make illusions.

  


"Yeah. Ninja." He muttered before rushing back to base.

  


*******************

  


Josh smiled as he walked into the new restaurant that had just opened up. "Hello. Welcome to the Uuchan." Came a voice from behind the counter/stove. "You're my first customer, what can I do for you. First one's on the house."

  


"Thanks." Josh said with a smile as he sat down at one of the stools. "So you own this place eh?"He asked, taking a quick glance around the place.

  


Ukyo Kuonji smiled. "That's right sugar. Hopin to make a bit of a profit. I make the best damn Okinomiyaki in Japan after all. So you're one of the elfs?" She asked, trying to strike up a conversation on the strange mutations that overtook the entire world.

  


Josh chuckled. "Yep. Do you have any powers?" he asked.

  


Ukyo shook her head. "I ain't got a clue sugar. I don't really care though." 

  


"Ya know what?" Josh asked. "You remind me a lot of a friend of mine. Me and him are kind of living together..."

  


Ukyo smiled. "Really? Who?"

  


"His name's Ranma. "Amazing martial artist... He's been teaching me for a bit now... Are you all right?" He asked, feigning surprise as Ranma's name triggered a reaction in the girl.

  


Ukyo snapped out of it slightly. "Huh? Oh I'm fine. I actually know him from some time ago."

  


Josh continued to smile. "Really? You should come over sometime to catch up... you could meet his fiancé and my fiance... they're sisters... it's kind of how we met." 

  


Ukyo's eyes bugged out. "F...fiancé!?!" 

  


Josh nodded. "Yeah... kind of young don't you think? 16? I mean I'm 20, 21, and I think I'm still too young to get married."

  


Ukto inside was seething in anger and betrayal at the news she had just received from her new customer. "W...Would you like to have something to eat?" She asked, almost through gritted teeth.

  


Josh nodded. "Oh yes please... can I try the shrimp and squid special? I've always been partial to squid." Ukyo nodded and mixed up the batter, pouring it onto the hot grill. Moments later a perfectly cooked Okinomiyaki was flipped up into the air and landed right on a plate that had been placed in front of Josh moments before it landed. Josh sighed as he saw this display of skill and agility. "I miss being able to do that." He muttered.

  


"Enjoy!" Ukyo said with a smile, now genuinely happy to have a first customer to try out her food.

  


"Damn this is good." Josh said in between bites. "Listen Ukyo, was it?"

  


Ukyo nodded, not really remembering giving the man her name but shrugged mentally and nodded. "That's right... Ukyo Kuonji's the name Okinomiyaki's the game."

  


Josh smiled. "Cute. Listen I'm in need of a job and saw you're add in the paper a little bit ago... and I was wondering if I could get a job here. I'm currently going through medical school and I've got to have some income to manage myself." 

  


Ukyo smiled. "Sure! I'm surprised the add was answered that quickly... By my first customer no less." The chestnut haired Okinomiyaki chef extended a hand and Josh grasped it. "Welcome aboard sugar."

  


Josh smirked. "Should I call you boss now? Or master?" 

  


Ukyo smiled. "Cute. Come in on Sunday Morning. I've still got to attend school so I can't exactly keep the shop open during those hours. I'll have to have you running things during then... it'd help with profits too."

  


Josh smiled and got up off his stool after finishing off the last bite of his meal. "Great! I'll see you then." Josh then paused. "Oh. Hey. Can I call you Uuchan?"

  


This caught Ukyo off guard. "What?"

  


"That's what the restaurant's called. I assume it's some sort of nickname or something?" Josh said. 

  


Ukyo smiled... "Uhh. Sure."

  


Josh waved goodbye and left.

  


*************

  


Later on Josh was standing by himself in the Tendo's back yard in a pair of shorts and a muscle shirt. He had gotten Kasumi to give him a haircut earlier and now had a short spiked cut. He seemed to be concentrating really hard. "Come on, come on, come on!!!!" Josh then let his arms fall to his side. "DAMN IT!!!"

  


All three of the Ranmas were sitting on the veranda watching and laughing. "Just give up!" The female Ranma said. 

  


"Yeah." The first Ranma said. "What makes you think you have the ability to teleport anyway?"

  


"Maybe you only power was the agility and looks." The second Ranma offered. 

  


"NO WAY!!" Josh yelled. "I know I've got the power... I just can't get it to work!" Josh then thrust out his arms towards the area that he wanted to teleport to. "BAMF!!" He yelled. He was rewarded with nothing but snickers from the Ranma twins. "SHUT UP!!" Josh yelled at them. "You're ruining my concentration!"

  


Just then Nabiki pushed past the Ranma trio and took hold of Josh's arm. "Practice is over. Come on we're going shopping!"

  


Josh looked confused. "What shopping? I don't even have any money. I only just got my job today."

  


Nabiki smiled. "Well I'm shopping and you're helping me."

  


"This does not bode well." Josh noted dully while allowing himself to be dragged away.

  


"Where'd you get a job?" The Ranma trio asked simultaneously.

  


Josh shrugged. Before being dragged out the door. "I don't know some okinomiyaki place." Moments later he and his fiancé were gone... shopping. For girl stuff. {Shudder}

  


*************

  


Evan peeked out of the bush he was currently hiding in. His master was trying to find him, his job was to prevent that and not kill his master in the process. "Is it.... safe?" Evan whispered, the sound then duplicated itself ten feet away.

  


SWISH! A shuriken struck where the duplicate voice had emanated. Evan smiled, his now slightly more honed senses allowed him to pin point his master's position. Evan's smile grew as he focused his powers on that area, effectively creating a ten by ten cube of ice around his master. Evan stood up. "YOU DIDN'T FIND ME!!! I PASS!!!!"

  


BBBD leapt out of another bush and slammed his now larger feet into Evan's back, knocking him to the ground. He stood over Evan menacingly. "HOW MANY NINJITSU MASTERS DO WE HAVE TO BRING IN BEFORE YOU STOP KILLING THEM!?!"

  


Evan pondered. "At least 70." BBBD made a swing at Evan, impacting with the boy's chest. The teen coughed up a small amount of blood and grimaced. 

  


"Have you heard my 'you wouldn't like me when I'm angry' speech?"

  


BBBD nodded. "Like twenty times."

  


Evan smiled. "Twenty one now. DON'T MAKE ME ANGRY!! YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY!!!" Suddenly the ground under BBBD became iced over and Evan hoofed him in da nuts, making the hariy bastard fall over and land on his ass, but not before sliding ten feet backwards. 

  


BBBD quickly responded, rolling at the end of Evan's ice slide and springing towards the boy. Thinking quickly, the teenager generated a throwing knife made completely of ice and tossed it forcefully at his 'boss'. The blue mutant took the knife in the shoulder and that's when Evan's plan came together, he ran away.

  


***********

  


Josh grumbled as he sat in a chair beside the changing rooms of a ladies clothing store. "This sucks." he muttered as his spaded tail wagged irritably in front of his face. Just then Nabiki came out of the change room wearing a long blue dress with a single strap over one shoulder.

  


"Well?" She asked. "What do you think?"

  


Josh sighed. "It's lovely. Can we go now?"

  


Nabiki turned around while looking in the mirror. "In a bit Josh... we've still got to get your suit."

  


Josh's ears perked up. "My suit?" Josh then realised why she had dragged him out to this thing. She was going to take him out on a date. *Oh crap!* he thought. "Where are you taking me?"

  


Nabiki smiled. "You were invited to a University ball. Don't you check your mail?"

  


"Ball?" The blue elf like person of a fiancé asked. "I thought Post Secondary places only had big beer swilling parties and Stags... or whatever." 

  


Nabiki held another dress up to herself. "Red or Blue?" She asked.

  


"Blue." He responded. 

  


Nabiki nodded and took the red one. "This is some of the upperclass University students. It'd be a good chance to meet some contacts." She stated simply.

  


Josh rolled his eyes. "Great..."

  


Nabiki shivered. "Somebody must have hit the AC, It just got really cold in here."

  


Josh groaned. "Oh God."

  


Suddenly the wall behind Nabiki frosted over and shattered revealing a triumphant Evan. "FEAR NOT JOSH-CHAN!!! I HAVE COME TO SAVE YOU!!" The ice mutant screamed in plain english.

  


"What is he yelling about Josh?" Nabiki asked.

  


"Seems he's doing something stupid. He'll probably be charged with property damage and murder later on or something." Josh said

  


"Later?" Evan responded, switching back to Japanese. "Here is the property damage, and I recently 'killed' another Ninja."

  


Josh frowned. "You're not a ninja Evan." 

  


"All I need is some Gamma rays or something and I can be a teenage mutant ninja turtle." Evan returned. 

  


Josh growled and held out a hand. "FIRST OF ALL!! You're at least TWENTY ONE!!," He said holding up one finger. "Second, Gamma Rays would make you the hulk, not a turtle, and Finally... YOU'RE NOT A DAMN NINJA!!!" Josh then paused and looked at his hand. "Damn... I can only count to three before running out on one hand..."

  


Evan smiled and held up five fingers. "FUCK YOU BUDDY I'VE GOT FIVE OF THESE BABIES AND I AM A NINJA!!!"

  


Nabiki looked surprised and a little disgusted. "Where'd you get those severed fingers?"

  


Evan looked around, started to whistle and began to back up. He then stopped, froze the fingers and shattered them and threw the remains at a cashier, who responded by changing her skin into metal. "Ah fuck."Evan said.

  


"HEY!!!" The cashier screamed at Evan... just now noticing the wall. "YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT!!!" She then smashed through the cash counter and ran towards Evan. 

  


Evan shrugged and froze the person where she stood, smiling until the cashier began to break out. "Ah fuck again." The cashier brought her metallic fist back and started to swing at Evan, who responded by reaching into his pocket dimension, pulling out a C4 pack and slapping it on the Colossus like girl's chest. "That may blow you up dead." Evan said as the cashier was about to connect with the ice forming mutant's face. 

  


The cashier looked down at the pack of explosives. "It will kill you too."

  


Evan gestured that the he wanted her to continue on the thought. "And...."

  


"You'll be dead."

  


"I've died a couple times, it's no big deal. But I assume that this will be your first."

  


The cashier started to look nervous, "Y-Yes... it would be."

  


Evan grinned. "Don't worry, it's a fun experience... providing you have a pocket mage to cast a revive spell on you."

  


The cashier started to look around frantically in hopes of finding some way of doing something about the bomb attached between her boobs. Evan started to slowly walk away... and then started to run, making the cashier even more nervous. The remaining customers edged out of the store.

  


Josh sighed and walked up to the cashier. "Is there a problem?" She just nodded frantically. "Do you know how much damage your new metal body can take?" She then shook her head frantically. Josh then took the Play Dough off of her boobs. "Did you realize that all he did was stick playdough on your boobs?"

  


The cashier began to get angry. "What?"

  


Josh smiled and looked down her shirt, then pulled her pants out a little. "He also copped a feel and stole your undergarments." Josh then walked away. "Well, gotta go." With that Josh left the store with Nabiki on his blue arm.

  


**********************

  


Evan smiled as he sat in the food court. Smiling as he licked his ice cream. "Mmmmmm. Me likey ice cream."

  


"There you are!" 

  


"AAAHH! IT'S DA PO!!" Evan screamed as he hid under the table.

  


"What's the matter with you!!?" Josh said as he grabbed Evan and pulled him up from under the table. "Why are you constantly causing so much trouble!?! You never used to... okay well... it wasn't this bad anyway!"

  


"Yeah, but I've never had super crazy powers before. I have to use them and to use them I must cause havoc!!!" Evan responded, holding one shaking fist in front of Josh's face.

  


"YES YOU DID!!! You had magic, Ionizers, a symbiote, and at one point you were a vampire!!" Josh retaliated. "Can't we at least try and be a bit normal the second time around?"

  


"Don't forget the time I was Vegeta... I had big hair." Evan said with a smile. 

  


"And you consider 'big hair' a power?" Nabiki asked.

  


"You don't read many DC comics do you?" Evan replied. (There is a character in the old 'new titans' comic who was an alien and she had absolute control over her hair, she flew with it, she killed people with it, everything. It was fucked up.) Evan then looked confused. "Why'd it take you so long to find me Josh? Normally you're much quicker."

  


Josh shrugged. "Nabiki wanted to get my suit before hand."

  


Evan shook his head. "You are so whipped."

  


Josh frowned. "The stores close at five!"

  


Evan then made a whip sound. "WHAPISH!!!"

  


"It's an important party!" Josh said a little more angry.

  


"WHAPISH!!!"

  


Josh growled. "I had to find a suit that matched my skin colour!"

  


"WHAPPISH!!!" 

  


"GOD DAMN YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!"

  


"WHAPPISH!!!!"

  


"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!" Josh screamed as he leapt towards Evan and began pummelling him. Evan continued to laugh but now in pain, since Josh was also being trained by Ranma and Soun. Nabiki just snickered as she watched the two fight for the next five minutes. *Molds like putty.*

  


Five minutes later Evan and Josh were breathing heavily as they sat across from each other. "Well..." Josh started. "This is surprising... (huff puff)... We're actually equally matched."

  


Evan smiled weakly. "I told you I was a ninja."

  


Josh punched weakly at Evan, who responded by throwing the panties of Colossus cashier at Josh. The blue skinned elf caught them. "Woah... t-bar. That's gotta be uncomfortable."

  


Nabiki shrugged. "You'd be surprised."

  


Evan shuddered. "TOO much info." He said, imitating Captain Kirk.

  


Josh smiled. "Better than the granny panties Blink wore."

  


"WHO TOLD YOU THAT!?!?!?" Evan screamed.

  


"Who's Blink?"Nabiki wondered.

  


Evan looked around. "A mutant I was engaged to... I can't remember If I married her though....Did I marry Blink?" Evan asked.

  


Josh shrugged. "I think you only got engaged to her... though now she's in another dimension... kind of tough to get any action with that kind of distance eh?"

  


"You're not getting any either."Nabiki said with a glare.

  


Josh chuckled. "I'm too young to die!"

  


"Nabiki sex is deadly." Evan stated.

  


Nabiki frowned. "I don't get it."

  


Evan started looking around randomly.

  


Josh sighed. "Sex leads to babies, babies lead to responsibility, responsibility leads to the dark side."

  


"What?" Nabiki asked completely confused. 

  


Evan nodded. "He's right you know. Just look at me. I have a responsibility to kill people for money and then I go out and kill people. If that's not like jumping into a Tuscan Raider camp and killing everyone before having your arm cut off I don't know what is."

  


Josh sighed. "I used to have sex with Kasumi daily... almost hourly actually. Then she had babies... and I wasn't ready... I'm still not... but I do want to have sex with you."

  


"ME!?!" Evan asked.

  


"No." Josh said simply. "Just... no."

  


"AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOUR 'STANDARDS' HUH!?!!? ANSWER ME!!?!?!" Evan screamed in mock drama.

  


Josh just glared at Evan... "There's people watching..." He then turned back towards Nabiki. "Maybe with some form of birth control."

  


Nabiki grabbed Josh's hand and dragged him away. "Let's go. We've got work to do."

  


"SEX WORK?!?!" Evan yelled after them.

  


Josh then threw a kitten at Evan.

  


Evan caught the kitten in mid air. "I'll call you muffy." He then tossed it into his pocket dimension. Catra was suddenly hit by Muffy the kitten.

  


******************

  


An hour later Evan found himself confronted by BBBD. "You're coming with me." BBBD said in a demanding tone.

  


"How's the arm?"

  


"Huh?" BBBD looked down at his injured arm, which was currently in a sling. "Oh, that's just a nick."

  


"Hmm... why the sling?" Evan asked in a flat tone.

  


"Element of surprise." BBBD said as he rushed Evan and slammed his uninjured shoulder into the ninja's gut, winding him. BBBD stopped dead, leapt into the air and planted his feet into the chest of the off balanced Evan.

  


"Uh." Evan moaned as he felt some of his newly broken ribs floating around inside of him. He collapsed in a heap just as BBBD landed lithely beside the ice mutant's crumpled body. The military man reached down to pick up the boy but recoiled when Evan's body seemed to ice over completely. BBBD took a few steps back as Evan staggered to his feet. "I forgot I could go completely ice... and that was a bit of a mistake... anywho, where were we?"

  


BBBD rushed Evan again connecting solidly with his adversaries icy body and shivering slightly at touching it. BBBD stopped dead, Evan had not budged. BBBD swung a punch at him, aimed at the head and found the boy's head shattering away. He then felt a slight tap on his shoulder.

  


"Decoy." Evan said as he knocked his 'boss' unconscious.

  


*************

  


Josh frowned the next day as he stood in front of the mirror in his and Nabiki's room. She was currently fixing his tie. "I understand that you wanted to have me look proper but you didn't have to dress me completely." He muttered to his fiancé who had moved on to fixing his belt. "Hey watch it."

  


Nabiki smiled up at him. "I had to get a sneak peek of the package sometime before the wedding." 

  


Josh smirked. "I never knew you were so perverted."

  


Nabiki shrugged. "A girls got a sex drive too."

  


Josh nodded. "Good enough for me. Are we done yet? How hard can it be to straighten one tie?" Josh stated. Josh then smiled at his reflection in the mirror. "I am a sexy blue beast though aren't I" He said as he struck a little bit of a pose. 

  


Nabiki nodded and stood up beside him, her blue dress flowing down her curvy teenaged frame. "I'll have to agree with you there." She said.

  


Josh then looked startled as he saw Nabiki's skin do... something. He turned around quickly to see if it was a trick of the light or something but she looked normal all of a sudden. 

  


*Weird!* Josh noted mentally. *I could have sworn I saw something.*

  


****************

  


The ride to the rented hall for the party was uneventful. When Josh and Nabiki came out of the cab they were greeted by nobody so they decided to just walk up and enter in hopes that they were indeed at the right place. "So Nabiki...?" Josh asked his fiancé as they approached the building. "You said earlier on that you wanted to meet contacts at this party. What do you mean? Contacts for what?" 

  


Nabiki smirked as she clung to her blue skinned, three toed/fingered, husband to be. "You're going to medical school. Most doctor make quite a living, nd it's good to have rich friends."

  


Josh rolled his eyes. "Again with money. And I wanted to go to an animation school." He said with a little bit of a growl. 

  


Nabiki waved him off. "Oh please. Animators hardly make any money. Doctors are millionaires. I'm just planning for my families future." 

  


Josh chuckled. "So all of the swindling and such was just to get money to raise a family?"

  


Nabiki smiled. "I want my kids to be well off too. I've seen way too many families go to living on the street because they couldn't get a good job. Being a doctor means automatically getting a good job."

  


Josh smiled as he entered the building with his betrothed. "Nabiki... there's a lot more to you than you put on."

  


Nabiki smiled. Genuinely appreciating the compliment. 

  


Josh then blushed and turned around as he added quietly. "And... You look very pretty tonight."

  


Nabiki blushed slightly and held onto his arm a little tighter. They weren't greeted at the door by anyone, all there was were a couple of signs that led the way to the main party hall. Josh wasn't really very excited about the party. It was pretty much what he expected. A bunch of upper crust doctors, University students and their girlfriends or guy friends. There was slow boring music and a snack bar. The realization of the snack bar caught Josh's attention. "Hey now!" He stated as he started dragging Nabiki in the direction of the food.

  


"Josh? Well! What do you know! I never thought you'd have come to this." Came a familiar voice that stepped in the way of Josh and his precious snack bar. 

  


Josh looked to the man who was now standing in his way and forced a smile. "Why Tofu! What a pleasant surprise!" He said.

  


Tofu chuckled a bit. "I Don't see how. I did help organize this after all." 

  


Josh growled on the inside while continually holding up his fake good mood. "Nabiki, I'm sure you know doctor Tofu." He said introducing them. 

  


Nabiki smirked at the good doctor. "Of course. How are you doctor?" She asked holding out a hand in greetings. The doctor took it and shook it. "So you've been one of my fiancé's teachers have you?"

  


Tofu nodded. "That I am. Though when Josh had said that he was engaged to you I did have my doubts. You still seem very young for him." 

  


Nabiki waved it off. "I'm very mature for my age." 

  


"Really?" Josh asked, before getting an elbow in the ribs. 

  


Tofu continued to smile. "Well it's good to see you two are getting along well. Enjoy the party." Josh nodded, not really caring what the good doctor had to say and continued to drag Nabiki towards the snack table. Just then he was stopped by his fiancé as a new song began.

  


"Oh I love this song!" Nabiki said. "Come on 'sweetheart'. Lets dance."

  


Josh sighed as he was suddenly dragged towards the dance floor where couples danced to sappy music, that nobody actually liked listening to, just to get close to each other. He and Nabiki got into a slow dance stance and began to walk slowly in circles while pressing their bodies up against each other. "Well this is lovely." He muttered monotonously and oh so sarcastically. 

  


Nabiki frowned sadly. "You can't possibly tell me that you don't like this." She said. "Don't you like having a beautiful young woman pressed up against you?" Nabiki then came to a startling idea. "You're not gay are you?"

  


Josh chuckled softly. "Are you kidding me? It's taking all my will power to keep my little soldier from standing at attention." 

  


Nabiki looked sad again. "Then what's the problem? I'm at a point where I'm about to tie you to the bed and rape you I'm so horny." 

  


Josh looked confused. "I'm sorry what?"

  


Nabiki smiled. "These last few weeks I've been lonely and then you came, and we got engaged and now every time you touch me I want more."

  


Josh looked confused. *I've seen the Ranma series several times why does she seem so different? The last time I was here she kept to the background so much. She mostly just stayed in... her...room.* "Uhm. Nabiki?" Josh asked. "Have you had any love potions or horny pills lately?"

  


This seemed to strike a cord with Nabiki. 

  


Josh was now suspicious. "Let me guess... the only way to dispel it is to have sex with someone."

  


"And you were the first male that I saw that wasn't related since I ate it." She added for him. Josh sighed. He knew there was something way to awkward about the situation. "Wait!" Nabiki said. "I do like you though... I've gotten to like you... I just... I'm sorry if I lied to you. I really do want to get married."

  


"Was it some person at school you blackmailed?" Josh asked.

  


Nabiki nodded. Josh then sighed then leaned in and kissed her. "Hey Nabs..." He started. "I said I'd stay with you... and I'll do it if it's really what you want." 

  


Nabiki smiled. "Thank you."

  


Josh snickered in his mind. "Not even I would have been able to think this up."

  


Just then{This one's for you Evan.} Nabiki stepped in a puddle. "What is a puddle doing in the middle of the dance floor?" Nabiki asked, genuinely suspicious. 

  


While Nabiki looked around, Josh was grabbed from behind and muffled by an old sock. Josh found himself led out of the building and into a nearby parking lot where he was released. "Saved you from wedlock again my friend." A familiar voice stated proudly. "Except, I was a little late last time, and now I'm a touch preemptive."

  


"GOD DAMN IT!! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO ENGAGED ME YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!" Josh screamed at his best friend. 

  


Evan looked around nervously. "No I didn't...."

  


"YES YOU DID!!!!"

  


"So...."

  


Josh then stormed back into the dance, leaving Evan outside. 

  


"Next time I won't save you from sex with a gorgeous Japanese woman!!!!" Evan screamed after him.

  


"OK!!" Josh hollered back.

  


"Ingrate." Evan muttered as he reached into his pocket dimension and pulled out muffy. "We'll still save him, won't we muffy. Yes we will, oh yes we will."

  


Josh smiled as he caught up to Nabiki again. "Sorry about that. Evan tried to kidnap me again or something. He's gone now though."

  


In short a bunch of stuff happened romance stuff too. Josh and Nabiki kissed later on at the Tendo house Soun got excited and now he's making them get married the day after.

  


***********************

  


Josh frowned as he stood in front of the mirror in his and Nabiki's room. "This. Seems. So. Familiar." He muttered as he adjusted his tie constantly. "I don't even know if she actually wants to get married cause she's on some horny drug." He then sighed. "Fuckin animes." 

  


Just then Evan walked into the room. "OH GOD PUT THAT BACK IN YOUR PANTS!!!" He screamed as he tried to cover his eyes. 

  


Josh frowned. "It's just a tail." He stated.

  


"When'd you get that?" Evan asked.

  


Josh then fumed. "YOU'RE JUST NOTICING NOW THAT I HAVE A TAIL AND BLUE SKIN!?!?!?"

  


"Huh, what blue skin?" 

  


Josh then held up his hands. "I suppose you hadn't even noticed the fact that my hands are now only sporting two fingers each either." He said with a smirk.

  


Evan smiled. "Oh I noticed... but it's only all registering in my mind now. WOAH!! YOU'RE LIKE.... NIGHTCRAWLER!!"

  


Josh then turned towards the mirror again while rolling his eyes and continued to fix his tie... though it didn't even need it. "Did you know that I'm getting married today too?" He asked nonchalantly.

  


"Oh I knew... Oh yeah... I knew.... Nabiki right?" Evan asked as he formed a pair of aviators from ice and put them on. "Mind if I tag along?" He said as he went to ice form and created an exterior that resembled a tux. "I could provide ice for the punch." He said with a laugh.

  


Josh then looked over to his friend confusedly. "Weren't you the guy that was trying to save me from marriage?" He asked.

  


"I'm also the guy who kidnapped you from your last wedding..."

  


Evan then was cut off by a face full of fist. Josh then rubbed his knuckled on his shirt. "I never properly thanked you for that have I?"

  


Evan stood up after he had been caught off guard by Josh's punch. "Well Mr.Violent. Now that you've got that out of your system, can I come to your wedding. I mean, this time I'd know you were getting married, unlike last time when I was forced to fight Pant-Man and then warp out... but this time we don't have to go anywhere... I can just kidnap you and take you to China or something, not another dimension."

  


Josh smiled. "You forget young grasshopper. I can teleport now."

  


"But you don't know how to use it." Evan retaliated.

  


"Fuck you."

  


******************

  


Author's notes: {How many chapters of this story have we ended with "fuck you?" hmmmm? A well it's probably a lot. Cause that's the phrase that cool kids use. Well I'm not got much thing to say so me throw to evaN.}

  


(Yup... lot's of Fuck you's... anywho... I hate Media class, I have to make a 'portfolio' and 'present' 'it'.... Speaking of Pant-Man, he should show up soon.... or will he? DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!!.... Oh well, I've been considering something interesting... maybe I could do something 'constructive' for the SI 'story'.... NAH. Buh Bye.... I HAVE A HELLO KITTY CD CASE!!!!!!)

  


{Yeah I'm in Evan's Media class and I got picked to present first for portfolios... which SUCKED!!! cause I had nothing done. What a crock of SHIT!!! We're listening to Weird Al right now... HIS NEW ALBUM!!! YEAH!!! WHOOO!! Special features ROCK!!! I like sock.}

  


(He thinks he has it hard! I got picked first for ISU'S!!! AND I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED FILMING!!!! HELL MY STORYBOARDS AREN'T EVEN DONE!!! WOOOO!!! I RULE!!! MY SITUATION IS WORSE!!! MORE MARKS LOST FOR ME BITCH!!! WOOT!!)

  


{Evan that's a bad thing.}

  


(I swear I do school like golf when it concerns 'projects'... I hit it with a crooked stick and hope it goes far away.... then my mom makes me go after it. AND I AM ON THE GOLF COURSE CALLED LIFE MY FRIEND!!! NO ELECTRIC CARTS FOR ME!!! NO!!!! I MUST WALK THE LONG HARD WALK OF CLEANING MY ROOM TO FIND THE PAPER THAT HOLD THE WORDS THAT HAVE THE STUFF THAT SAYS STUFF THAT I HAVE TO DO!!!!!!... and the likes....)

  


{Well then... Bye folks.}

  


Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com

  


Agasaki Ishano: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com

(That is my 'portfolio' which will have Oogaly Poogaly episodes on it... for those of you who read this crap when we did Oog da Poog... you at least know what in god's name that is.)

  


{No they don't}

  



	33. The Wedding Part Two As In The Second We...

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Self Insertion 

  


Chapter 33

  


The Wedding... Part Two... As In The Second Wedding... To The First Brides Sister...

  


"I do."

  


"And do you, Joshua(rest of name not printed due to safety reasons) take Nabiki (middle name) Tendo to be your lawfully wedded wife. To have and to hold for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for ever and ever, til death do you part?"

  


Josh looked around nervously at Soun, Evan, Ranma, and Tofu... who, unfortunately inherited the powers of Lockjaw and thus the form as well. "I married her sister once." Josh offered nervously.

  


Evan slaps his head. "Even I'm not that dumb."(there will be a poll for that later.)

  


"Do you wish to marry Nabiki?" The minister asked.

  


"Ever seen Blink do the Rumba? I have." Josh said sweating.

  


"JOSH!!!" Nabiki yelled at him. "STOP STALLING AND ANSWER THE MAN'S QUESTION!!"

  


Josh lowered his head and looked shy all of a sudden. "Um.... okay?"

  


"Then by the power invested in me!" The minister continued. "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride." Nabiki then grabbed Josh around the waist, dipped him and frenched him forcefully. Josh just let it happen with wide surprised eyes.

  


Evan then slapped his fist into his palm. "Oh yeah! I was supposed to save him from marriage."

  


Just then Soun stood up. "NOW FOR THE RECEPTION!!!"

  


"LETS ALL GET DRUNK!!!!!!" Genma added.

  


Evan shrugged. "Guess it can wait."

  


*******************

  


Back at the Tendo dojo. "SO WASterEd!!!!" Genma and Soun screamed simultaneously. 

  


"YeaH!!! WooT!!!!" Evan added. 

  


In the darkness a pair of eyes glinted. "Yes, get drunk, and soon your pants will be mine!!"

  


Thirty minutes later Evan, Soun and Genma were walking around without pants getting screams from the people at the party. "NINJA BOXERS!!!" Evan yelled. "YEAH BABY!!!"

  


SLAM!!!

  


A large mallet impacted with Evan's head and Akane dragged him into the living room and tossed him violently on the couch. "He'll be safe there." She though out loud. "The pervert."

  


*****************

  


In the mean time. Josh and Nabiki were fucking like mad rabbits in heat at a hotel.

  


*******************

  


Another thirty minutes later Evan woke up, still moderately drunk, but more sober than he had been, his Irish liver cleansing the booze from his body. "Holy shit I have to piss." As he went off to do that he was stopped by a familiar face, but not one that is familiar in a good way. "What do you want Kodachi?" Evan asked.

  


"Come with me." Kodachi said, trying to sound seductive but just sounding really drunk. 

  


"No... I had a bad experience with you last time Josh got married... but you wouldn't know about that." Evan said as he literally danced around trying not to piss his pants.

  


"NOR DO I CARE!!! TAKE ME BIG BOY!!" She demanded as she lunged at Evan, catching him off guard and sending both of them to the floor where Evan had to keep her head at arms reach lest he get mauled like he did so many years ago.

  


"GET OFF ME YOU PSYCHO!!!!" Evan yelled as he started flailing wildly in an attempt to at least knock the bitch out.

  


"You will do me right now!" She commanded in a soft, concentrated voice.

  


Evan fought to resist as he realised that Kodachi must have picked up some form of mind control. Eventually though, he succumbed. 

  


Five minutes later. "OH MY GOD YOU PISSED ALL OVER ME!!!" Kodachi screamed in what seemed almost like joy. She then got back to 'work'.

  


*****************

  


Just as Josh and Nabiki were returning from the hotel they noticed a pantless Evan with shredded clothes and no pants running away from Kodachi who was laughing and screaming. "GET BACK HERE LOVER!!! AND TAKE A DUMP ON MY CHEST!!!! I'LL RETURN THE FAVOUR!!!"

  


"NO FORM OF MIND CONTROL COULD MAKE ME DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Evan screamed as he busted out his ice form and started using his ice sled to get away.

  


"Well there's something you don't see everyday." Nabiki said as they watched them run past.

  


"You'd be surprised." Josh muttered. He then got back to the subject they were previously on. "So Nabiki... now that we're married and we've had sex... are you still under the effects of that drug thing?"

  


"What drug?" Nabiki asked. 

  


Josh blinked. "You were on a drug right? Blackmailed the wrong person? Couldn't stop the overwhelming horniness until you've had sexual release from a second party?" He asked trying to make her recall the conversation they had a mere day ago.

  


Nabiki smiled and nodded. "Ah yes the drug. Well it never existed."

  


Josh's face drooped into an expression that one might call... irate. "What."

  


Nabiki wrapped her arm around her husband's waist and took a slight hold of his tail playing with it a bit. "Well a girl's gotta make a living somehow right? I'm married to a soon to be doctor now." She said before resting her head on Josh's shoulder. "And you've got a teenage bride with a body _and_ a brain."

  


Josh stopped in his tracks and gritted his teeth, which now sported much larger canines. "So you're trying to tell me that all this time you've been trying to get into my pants just so you could dig for gold?" He asked as he glared at her. 

  


"Well I didn't marry rich but I've got a husband who's going to become exceedingly wealthy in the near future." She stated.

  


"Do you have any idea..." Josh started. "How TWISTED THAT IS!?!?!?" Nabiki backed up a little bit. Josh continued. "That's just downright DISTURBING!!! How can you be so damn MANIPULATIVE!!! You CONNIVING LITTLE WITCH!!!"

  


Nabiki growled right back as people walking down the street did their best to avoid the duelling newlyweds. "WELL I THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE!!! BUT YOU WERE NEVER GOING TO MAKE A MOVE CAUSE YOU WERE SO CAUGHT UP ON MY SISTER!!! WHO HAS NO INTEREST IN YOU AT ALL!!!"

  


"CAUSE I WAS MARRIED TO HER AND MADLY IN LOVE WITH HER TILL SHE DIED IN MY ARMS!!! WEEKS BEFORE ME AND YOU WERE ENGAGED!!! YOU DIDN'T REALLY GIVE ME MUCH TIME TO MOURN!!!!" Josh retaliated.

  


"WELL I NEEDED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR VULNERABILITY!!! I HAVE A HORRIBLE REPUTATION AND I CAN'T MANIPULATE ALL THE OTHER BOYS!!!! BLACKMAILING MONEY HUNGRY GIRLS NEED LOVING TOO!!!!" She screamed.

  


Josh backed up from her. "Alright... that's it. Don't come near me... I can't even trust you. You've lied with me way too much to get me to marry you... now that we are you better start telling the truth. I'm sick of lies. I'm going home!" Just then Josh disappeared in a puff of purplish smoke leaving behind what smelt like brimstone.

  


Nabiki grumbled and began to walk towards the Tendo dojo.

  


Josh reappeared inside Nabiki's room and growled as he began taking all of his stuff from her room and moving it into the Ranma's room. "I finally teleported but I'm too damn mad to care about it!" He grumbled as he moved his stuff out.

  


The girl type Ranma was currently inside the room with Josh as he finished his moving of stuff and flopped down on his futon. "You and Nabiki have a fight or something?" She asked.

  


Josh sniffed disdainfully at the air. "You could say that." Josh then looked up at the red haired twin sister of Ranma. "All the guests go home already?" He asked as she walked over and sat down across from Josh.

  


Ranma nodded. "Yeah. Around the end Evan ran out and was followed shortly after by Kuno's sister. Who, speaking of which, I don't remember being invited to the wedding."

  


Josh shrugged. "What does it matter? She was only bothering Evan right?"

  


Ranma nodded. "Of course Kuno gave me a bit of trouble."

  


"By the way." Josh started as he lay down. "Did Kuno gain any sort of power?"

  


"Yeah." Ranma confirmed. "He got some sort of stretchy power that made him all elasticy."

  


Josh smiled and nodded. "Ah. I see. So Kuno got Mr. Fantastic eh? Bet he's triple the annoyance now." Josh chuckled for a moment and then began to get up. As he rose to a sitting position he put a hand on Ranma chan's shoulder. "Thanks for the little chat it really MRRRMMPHH!!"

  


The female Ranma suddenly jumped into Josh's and wrapped her arms around his head, kissing him passionately with her tongue while roughly tearing the shirt off the boy's back. And moving her hands up and down his body. She suddenly pulled back and was breathing heavily as she rested her forehead against the blue skinned man's. "I'm so sorry... I don't know what came over me." She stated.

  


Josh grabbed Ranma's shoulder's softly and held her back at arms length. "What in god's name are you doing Ranma? I thought you were a guy at heart?" He questioned not truly knowing if this was some sort of behaviour altering drug or what not.

  


Ranma smiled and leaned in placing a little kiss on his cheek. "I guess." She started. "When we split up into three separate people, and since I was the girl have... I started to think somewhat like a girl. That wedding was so beautiful... and you were so handsome..."

  


Josh lifted the girl up and placed her across from himself so that they weren't contacting in any sexual way. "Ranma even if you are a normal girl now and even if you do like me... I am married... and what kind of husband would I be if I were to cheat on my wife? Despite how much I dislike her." Josh looked confused. "Besides... I'm blue."

  


Ranma sighed. *He's so committed... and loyal... and trustworthy.* she thought as she stared dreamily into his bright blue eyes. 

  


"What happened Ranma? Why are you so girly now?" Josh asked.

  


Ranma looked a little shy. "Well... the spring of drowned girl turns me into the female version of myself had I been born a girl minus the thinking. When we split apart into three different versions of myself the part that got the female half got the mind of Ranma if he was born a girl also. So I'm girl type Ranma to the core." She said with a blush, now slightly embarrassed about her forced kiss with Josh.

  


Josh frowned as though this were really bad news. "Do the other Ranma's know about it?" He asked.

  


The female Ranma sighed as she drooped her head. "No. I haven't had the guts to tell them. They'd think that I'm still them and wouldn't like the idea of a part of them selves liking boys." 

  


Josh snickered. "Then they'd question their own sexuality." 

  


"It's really not as funny as you'd think." Ranma started. "I was them so I know them... it wouldn't be pretty."

  


Josh rolled his eyes. "That's an understatement."

  


Ranma moved closer and blushed a little bit. "Do you like my hair?" She asked. "I let it down and stopped braiding it. I'm also letting it grow longer."

  


"Huh?" Josh stated tactfully. "I hadn't really noticed it till now. Lot's on my mind you know." 

  


Ranma smiled and inched closer. "So do you like it? Do you think it's pretty?"

  


Josh nodded and began to fidget a bit noticing her slow barely noticeable movements forward.. "It's nice." Josh began to back up a little, searching back and forth for some sort of escape, yet not being able to force himself to take it when he found several. She continued to advance and Josh's spaded tale began to twitch nervously as he fell back wards and started to crawl back as the red head crawled forward. *Why can I not MOVE!?! Japanese girls! So DAMN IRRESISTIBLE!!* He thought moments before his backwards movement was stopped by a wall and a beautiful red headed Japanese girl's face moved in so that it was a mere inch away. "Uh Ranma... This isn't what I meant by nice." He stated not being able to tear his eyes away from her greyish blue orbs. "I'm supposed to not be attracted to you... and you're not supposed to be attracted to me... cause I'm married..."

  


Ranma was now sitting on top of his lap. Her hair tickling his nose and her natural aroma wafted into his nose. Enveloping his senses into a complete sexual awareness of her presence. Josh's heart was pounding like a jackhammer. "I like your hair." She said softly as she ran her hand through the short blondes of the blue skinned man.

  


Josh swallowed a lump in his throat. *This is not good. I'm succumbing. I'm falling into the trap of the seductress! THIS IS NOT GOOD!* Josh screamed in his head as he accidentally caught a glimpse of Ranma's breasts down her shirt. *I can't do this! Think of other things! Think of apples... apples are friendly, neutral, apple pie... NO! NOT APPLE PIE!!!* 

  


Ranma then ran her hands up and down the back of Josh's head stimulating him in a way that made him lose all thought. Josh's brain did a quick calculation. *Asian babe + attraction + sexual stimuli = complete loss of self control.*

  


Josh then refused to resist anymore.

  


*******************

  


Nabiki grumbled as she walked into the Tendo house. Her father was playing shogi with the Panda version of Genma, Kasumi was in the kitchen, and Akane was forcing the male Ranmas to take her out for ice cream. "Stupid Husband!" Nabiki muttered as she walked through the house towards the stairs. She began to ascend them. "What's wrong with a little manipulation here and there?" She wondered to herself. "It's not like I don't like him. I just don't know how to do things any other way. I'm sneaky by nature." 

  


Nabiki then arrived at the top of the stairs and walked towards her room. She opened the door and sighed at what she saw. Josh's futon was gone, along with his other stuff. "Just married today and he's mad enough to move out of our room." She said as she walked in and sat on the bed. "I figured he'd love to stay after the sex." She said. She then smiled as she thought about that. "Best feeling ever." She muttered to herself before turning to a saddened expression. "I shouldn't have told him about the drug thing..."

  


Just then Nabiki's head shot up as she heard a faint crashing noise from the guest room a few doors down from hers. "Josh?" she wondered with a little bit of a smile as she got up off the bed and began to move towards the door. "JOSH!?! ARE YOU HOME!?!" She called out. 

  


Nabiki opened the door to the Ranma twin's room and smiled hoping to find Josh there unloading his stuff in that room again. What she found surprised her. The female Ranma was laying there naked on top of a futon, with a bed sheet just barely covering her naughty parts she was sweating and breathing heavily, her clothes laying just a few feet away. "Ranma!?!" Nabiki stated shocked to see suck a sight. Normally she'd scramble for a camera to get pictures to sell to the perverts at school, but it was such a rare sight that it just startled and confused her. "What are you doing?" She wondered.

  


Ranma, just now registering Nabiki, grabbed the covers to cover herself more. "I was just... just... None of you're business!" She stated, her speech broken by flustered panting. 

  


Nabiki nodded and smiled. "I see. Just couldn't keep your hands off yourself huh?" She asked. 

  


Ranma just looked away and frowned. Josh wore the same style of clothing as the pigtailed boy so Nabiki paid no mind to the fact that his clothes were scattered in the same pile as Ranma's. Nabiki did however notice the boxer shorts on the floor that Josh wore. Nabiki then looked betrayed. "Was J... my husband here? Earlier?" She asked the red head.

  


Ranma looked around nervously and then stifled his fears. "Yes... he dropped some stuff off, got changed and then left again. After he left I.. Well."

  


Josh was currently clinging to the wall just outside of the guest room out of sight. *Thank GOD!!* He thought as he breathed a silent sigh of relief. *The female Ranma can lie good.* Josh's eyes then became wide and his skin turned a much paler blue as he notice Akane stepping out of the dojo wiping the sweat from her forehead after a brick breaking session. *Looks like the twins ditched her and she needed to let off some steam.* He noted. *And I'm sticking to the side of the house buck naked.* He stated mentally in fear. 

  


Josh held his breath and then jumped onto the roof of the house, making sure that he landed on the side opposite Akane's location. Josh's eye's widened in fear as on the other side of the house stood Ukyo, his boss. Walking towards the house holding a plate with okinomiyaki on it. *Looks like her and Ranma made up already at the wedding.* He thought. Ukyo stopped as she caught Josh's movements and spotted him. Josh realized this and held a finger up to his mouth. "SHHHH!!!" He stated quietly yet loud enough for her to hear. 

  


Ukyo looked shocked confused and absolutely surprised to see a naked blue boy with blonde hair and a tail sticking to the roof of the house. Ukyo looked around to see if anyone was there and decided to investigate this phenomena by jumping up to the roof and sitting next to Josh. "What are you doing?" She whispered. "Why are you sitting up here naked?" 

  


"Let's just say the honeymoon didn't exactly go as planned." He stated. "I'm hiding from my wife right now."

  


Ukyo set the plate of okinomiyaki down on the roof and took off her shirt, handing it to her blue skinned employee. "Here." She offered. "You'll get cold." 

  


Josh nodded thanks and wrapped it around his waist to cover up his... happy spot. Ukyo had her breasts wrapped up so she was still decent. "Thanks boss." He stated. "Is the shop open?"

  


Ukyo shook her head. "No but if you need in for something you can borrow my key." She said as she took a key out from her pocket and handed it to him. 

  


Josh nodded. "Thanks luv. I'll return it as soon as I'm done... If anyone asks... I'm keeping the store open late for you kay?"

  


Ukyo nodded. "Sure. What's wrong sugar? Why all the secrecy."

  


"Long and complicated story." Josh stated simply, he then jumped up into the air and disappeared in a puff of purple smoke leaving behind Ukyo's shirt and the smell of Brimstone.

  


"Quite a strange lad." She stated out loud. She then smiled giddily. "Time to go see my Ranchan!" With that the okinomiyaki chef leapt down with the steaming plate of food and entered the Tendo household.

  


***************

  


Josh smiled as he reappeared inside the Uuchan. He then ran upstairs to where Ukyo lived and teleported inside. He then rooted through her drawers and found some clothes that would fit him. "Thank god she's so tomboyish!" He stated happily as he quickly changed into the clothes. "Better stick with my alibi." He noted to himself, teleporting downstairs to open up shop for the late diners.

  


**************

  


Nabiki frowned a while later that night as she sat in her room on the bed. A light rapping at the door sounded. "Come in." Nabiki called out, not moving from her position on the bed. 

  


Kasumi walked in with a cup of tea and handed it to her younger sister. "Here. It'll make you feel better."

  


Nabiki looked up at her sister and then took the cup. "Thanks."

  


Kasumi sat down beside Nabiki and put a comforting arm around her. "Do you want to talk about it?" She asked. Nabiki just shook her head. Kasumi (who isn't flamed on at the moment) smiled. "You know... I always thought Akane would be married first since she's so popular with the boys." The older sister stated. "I even thought that I'd be married before you... you really surprised us all."

  


Nabiki smiled. "It was kind of sudden."

  


"Are you having second thoughts?" Kasumi asked. "You are only seventeen."

  


Nabiki shook her head and then took a sip from her tea. "No... but I think Josh is."

  


"What do you mean?"Kasumi inquired.

  


"I'm not sure but I think he cheated on me." Nabiki stated, taking another sip of the tea Kasumi gave her. 

  


Kasumi looked confused. "But you two haven't even been married an entire day!"

  


"We had a fight." Nabiki added. "And he ran off." She said.

  


"Oh my." Kasumi stated covering her mouth in surprise. "Already?" Kasumi squeezed Nabiki's arm. "Do you know who he might have had an affair with?" She asked concerned.

  


Nabiki sighed. "I'm not sure. I think it might have been Ranma or Ukyo."

  


Kasumi snickered. "Ranma? But he's a boy." 

  


"The girl Ranma." Nabiki stated. "When I came home she was naked in her room sweating and all Josh's stuff was in there, including his clothes. According to her he just changed and then left..."

  


"And what about Ukyo?" Kasumi asked.

  


Nabiki sighed. "She walked into the house while in the middle of putting her shirt on. When I asked her if she'd seen Josh she said she was just _'with' _him. She also said he went to work to attend to the late customers."

  


"Well that's all reasonable." Kasumi said. Maybe he changed into his work clothes and then went over to the Uuchan to open up. The Ranma part just confuses me though." 

  


Nabiki sighed and set down her cup. "I think I drove him to it though, if he did cheat on me." She stated with a sigh.

  


"What do you mean?" Kasumi asked her. 

  


"I always lie to him." Nabiki started. "I manipulate him and just revealed to him that I was never honest with him in our time together."

  


Kasumi frowned. "You _think_ it's your fault." She questioned. She then sighed and hugged Nabiki. "You have to apologise to him." She stated. "Married people should always be honest with each other. Honesty is the best policy and if you can't stick with it you'll suffer the consequences."

  


Tears welled up in Nabiki's eyes. "I really do like him. I'm just so afraid."

  


Kasumi stroked her sister's hair. "You should have been more careful jumping into such a thing as marriage."

  


Nabiki snickered. "It's partly Dad's fault."

  


"It's mostly Dad's fault." Kasumi seconded.

  


****************

  


Evan breathed heavily as he slowed down to a walk in the business district in Nerima. "I think... I lost her." he stated to himself. He had decided to flee on foot instead of using his ice powers because they just led her straight to him. "Damn that took a lot out of me." Evan looked to the sky and noticed that it was night now. A nearby clock indicated that it was somewhere around 12:00. Evan's stomach growled audibly and he looked around to see if there was anywhere nearby that he could get a bite to eat.

  


Evan noticed one food establishment open and began to walk towards it. "The Uuchan." He stated as he entered. "That's what Ranma calls that Ukyo chick." 

  


"That chick who also happens to be my boss." came a familiar voice from behind a sizzling grill. "What's up Evan?" Josh asked as he flipped a drunk patron's okinomiyaki.

  


Evan walked over and sat down on one of the stools. "Not much. I managed to escape the clutches of that hormone enraged freak show and now I'm hungry. You seem to be the only one open." Evan then looked around curiously. "Where's the missus?" He asked.

  


Josh looked a little cautious and frowned. "We had a little bit of a fight."

  


Evan smiled. "You see? I told you nothing good would come of this marriage."

  


"You arranged it." Josh stated.

  


"Well other than that I thought it was a bad idea." Evan offered. "So you just decided to go to work and forget for a bit?" 

  


"You could say that." Josh said his face reddening a little bit.

  


Evan leaned in and frowned. "You're hiding something. What is it?" Evan inquired.

  


"Nothing." Josh stated rather quickly and defensively. "Nothing is wrong at all I'm perfectly fine I didn't do nothin." 

  


Evan smiled. "What did you do Josh?" He asked a little forcefully this time. "I know distress when I see it. We've been on this dimensional journey for quite a while now and I can read you like a book just as much as you can me." 

  


Josh sighed as he skilfully bamfed over to the table where the other customer was and served him his okinomiyaki. "You promise not to tell anyone?" He asked his friend just before bamfing back behind the counter.

  


Evan crossed his fingers. "Scout's honour." 

  


Josh sighed. "I don't know why I'm doing this but... alright I'll tell you. I guess I just have to get it out of me... cause I feel so guilty about it." He then leaned down a little closer to Ranma and whispered. "After our fight I cheated on Nabiki and had sex with the female Ranma, but she's the one that started it. She made all the advances!"

  


Evan looked shocked. "YOU HAD SEX WITH RANMA!!!!??" He asked flabbergasted.

  


Josh jumped forward and clasped his friend's mouth shut. "SHUT UP!!" Josh then continued to whisper. "You never know who could be listening!"

  


Evan calmed down. "Okay so you had sex with Ranma... what's the big deal?"

  


Josh looked amazed that Evan could be this blind. "I had sex with Ranma on my wedding night. Not even a day and I cheated! Wouldn't you feel just a _little_ bad?" He asked.

  


Evan shook his head. "No."

  


"What should I do?" Josh asked, more to himself than his friend. "What kind of person am I that I would cheat on my wife on the first day of our married life together."

  


"Do you like Nabiki?" Evan asked.

  


"Yes... but I don't love her." Josh stated.

  


Evan shrugged. "I'm stumped. I got no Idea what to do. Not that I really care a whole lot. But man... The chick Ranma's hot!"

  


Josh smiled. "And insatiable apparently." He added.

  


"So why'd you do Ranma anyways?" Evan asked. "I thought you were the moral old fashioned dude."

  


Josh nodded. "I am." He then added. "But how can you possibly turn down sex with these Asian chicks? I mean... they're just so hot!"

  


"You turned down sex with that Nabiki chick a bunch." Evan stated. 

  


Josh shrugged. "She's got a bad reputation... I always figured that she had some sort of second motive. I was right it turns out... that's what we were fighting about... I guess you could say her lies drove me to the comfort of another woman."

  


Evan nodded. "So why did you have to talk to me about it... sound pretty much like you've got it all figured out." He said.

  


"But I feel really crappy about cheating! It just seems so... _low_!" Josh replied.

  


"So go back to Nabiki." Evan said. "It seems like a pretty simple equation. You feel bad about it so make up... apologise. I used to do that all the time with Blink. I'd screw up, apologise, then get sex..."

  


Josh sighed. "I guess I'll talk to Ranma first. She probably would want to know. I can't lead her on too."

  


"Atta BOY!!" Evan said as he pat his blue skinned friend on the shoulder. "Say do you sell alcohol here?"

  


"No."

  


"Aw right just gimme something edible then."

  


********************

  


The next morning Josh awoke and much to his surprise there was a woman sleeping with him, right beside him, in the same futon as him, with her arm around him, and it wasn't his wife. *Oh CRAP!!* Josh thought as he realised what a provocative position he was in with the female Ranma at the moment. He didn't feel ready to apologise to Nabiki just yet so he decided to stay in the guest room the night before with the Ranma twins and Genma. There was more than just him and girl type Ranma so there was no danger of any misunderstanding or conflict. He was wrong. *If Nabiki or one of the other Tendo girls finds me like this with Ranma... or even if the other Ranma's find me like this I'm dead...* Josh looked for a way out. *She must have climbed into my futon while I was asleep.* He thought as he tried to lift Ranma's arm slowly from himself but instead Ranma's unconscious form grabbed his arm and rolled over, pinning his arm underneath hers and putting them both in a spooning position.

  


Josh's mind screamed danger. (Wil Robinson) Josh turned his head slightly to see if there was any activity near the door. He then sighed and slowly tried to move his arm from under the red headed girl. However she had an iron grip being the advanced martial artist that she was. Josh sighed. *I can't teleport right now... I'm in direct contact with her and it'd teleport her as well.* 

  


Just then he heard a noise and he made a startling realization. *Kasumi gets up really early every morning to make breakfast. Kasumi is the mother figure of the household. Nabiki would have been upset last night. Kasumi would have consoled her. When next I appeared she would talk to me too.* Josh then looked towards the door that led to the guest room.

  


"Josh?" Came Kasumi's voice from outside the door before it opened and she walked through. "Could I talk to you?" She asked. She then scrunched her serene face into one of disgust. "Oh my it's smelly in here." She looked to each of the individual futons and realized that Josh and female Ranma were both gone. 

  


Ranma awoke suddenly as she was jarred by sudden movements. "Hmmmn..." She then looked up and noticed she was being cradled in the arms of the man who made love to her the night before. Ranma smiled at the memory and at the man, leaning up and trying to kiss him in the mouth. Josh however moved out of the kiss's line of fire and set Ranma down now that he realized she was awake. "What's going on?" Ranma asked. "Why are we at the school?" She asked realizing now as she looked around that they were both indeed inside the school's Gymnasium.

  


Josh sighed. "Why did you climb into my futon last night?" He asked. "What if someone caught us?"

  


Ranma shrugged. "I just wanted to be with you. Is that so wrong?"

  


"Yes!" Josh said, standing up. "Yes it is a problem when I'm married to someone else. It's just no..." Josh then looked at Ranma surprised. "What are you wearing!?" He questioned. 

  


Ranma smiled. She was wearing female undergarments, pink ones to be exact. "I thought since I'm all girl now I should dress like one. I went shopping. Do you like it?" She asked, striking a very sexy and provocative pose that showed of her curves and her posterior in a way that would drive most men wild.

  


Josh gritted his teeth. "Yes I like it a lot! That's the problem!"

  


Ranma looked confused "Huh?"

  


Josh sighed again. "Last night..." He started. 

  


"Was amazing!" Ranma finished for him, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I feel like a whole new person."

  


Josh backpedalled a little bit as he tried desperately to keep their lips from connecting less he suffer a relapse. "Ranma what I did with you was wrong. I shouldn't have done it... I betrayed Nabiki, my wife, by doing that. We can't do that ever again."

  


Ranma let go of Josh. "Why? You liked it. I liked it."

  


Josh sighed. "Ranma sex is... it's... well. You have to be married to do it. And if you are married... you should only do it with the person you're married to."

  


Ranma smiled and then pressed herself up against her one time, blue skinned, tailed, lover. "So then How about you marry me?"

  


"I can't!" Josh state.

  


"Why?"

  


"Cause I'm already married to Nabiki!" The elf like blonde replied rather forcefully. Josh then looked inquisitive. "Ranma... has your dad ever told you anything about sex or marriage?" He asked. 

  


Ranma shook his head. "Other than the fact that my guy half is engaged to Akane no... but I like it."

  


Josh slipped out of Ranma's grasp and desperately tried not to look at her mostly naked body. "I need to do some serious thinking right now Ranma... until I come up with a solution we can't be with each other. It's immoral." Josh then paused. "And you have to talk to your dad... ask him where your mom is. She's still alive." With that Josh disappeared in a puff of purplish smoke.

  


*******************

  


Author's notes: {Well this one was just packed full of romance wasn't it. This is the Self Insertion Soap opera special chapter. Can you feel the love tonight? Can you feel the evil? Oh I can. This is probably the most Romance that I've ever put into SI. It's just creepy how much there is. You know what I just realised? The word "is" spelt backwards is SI!!! Woah! Shocking ne? Well until the next chapter... Doitashimashite and Sayonara!}

  


(Insert Evan rant here.)

  


Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com

  


Agasaki Ishano: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com


	34. Love Hina or Akane your choice

Self Insertion

  


Chapter 34

  


Love.....Hina? Or Akane... your pick.

  


(I pick Hina)

  


Evan frowned as he sat in a bar near the Tendo dojo. *I have nothing to do. There are no 'hits' to be made cause I semi-broke the contract thingy with BBBD, I'm not getting any action, and I have fun ice powers! This is shit!* He thought as he took a sip of beer. *Bored bored bored.....*

  


"Excuse me?" A familiar voice asked. "But we have a contract, and if you are not insane at the moment I would like to talk to you in the shady corner of the bar." BBBD said, stepping out from some shadows beside Evan.

  


"Huh? Oh, it's you. Sure, we can 'talk', but it'll cost you another Ninjitsu master." Evan responded with a smile.

  


BBBD nodded. "Fine, providing you don't kill him." 

  


Evan shrugged and followed BBBD to the part of the bar labeled 'The Shady Corner', which was slightly darker than the rest of the bar and mysteriously had no break between light and dark, just part of the bar is lit properly, and 'The Shady Corner' is dim and gloomy and filled with people in trench coats. "So, what can I do ya for?" Evan asked cheerily, throwing off the mood of 'The Shady Corner'.

  


"Well, as I said before, you have a contract. You are working for us, so we need to lay down some rules. Following that, and providing we are on good terms then I have some documents that include info on your next mission." 

  


"If you want good terms you had best buy me some beer." Evan stated, sounding semi-interested.

  


BBBD signaled a waitress for a pint of beer and got down to business. "OK, rule number one. You must not attack, destroy or in anyway harm, kill, or maim, any of my staff, property, or self." 

  


"I'm noting that you said self last, and in the chain of importance, I should revert to beating on you before I harm, kill, or maim the photocopier." 

  


BBBD stared at Evan with a look of pure, undying hatred. "It doesn't matter about the order! Secondly, you must carry out a contract until it is complete without any errors in the missions guidelines."

  


"Define errors."

  


"Screwups."

  


"Oh."

  


"Third," BBBD continued, "You are to complete the full training regiment with the FINAL Ninjitsu master we have found." 

  


"Is that the LAST Ninjitsu master in existence?" 

  


"They are quite hard to come by, so don't kill this one." 

  


"Fine." Evan grumbled.

  


"And lastly, you will not be allowed to use any military machines, weapons or computers." 

  


"Not even to play solitaire?"

  


"Maybe solitaire...."

  


"Maybe?"

  


"FINE YOU CAN PLAY FUCKING SOLITAIRE!!! DROP THE SUBJECT!!!!" BBBD screamed.

  


"Ok, pass me my mission sheet and tell me when my training is and I'll be off."

  


BBBD handed Evan some documents and left, squinting as he entered the non-'Shady Corner'. Evan sat around and drank the pint as he leafed through the documents.

  


Evan's eyes squinted angrily as he came across a certain part of the document. *It can't be.*

  


*************

  


Ranma frowned as she stood outside the main gate of the Tendo home looking up at it. She had managed to pull together a Furinkan girls uniform from the school after Josh had left and couldn't get Josh's last words out of her mind as she reviewed them over and over again in her head. _"Your dad... ask him where your Mom is. She's still alive."_

  


*What should I do?* Ranma thought to herself as she contemplated opening the door with her hand outstretched towards it. *Will Dad even tell me the truth? He hasn't told me about her for a long time. I can't even remember what she looks like.* Ranma then withdrew her hand and clenched it into a fist. *No!* She thought. *He'll never bring me to her. I'll have to bring her to him... then... then he'll have some explaining to do! YOU'LL PAY FOR LYING FOR SO LONG POP!!!!* Ranma then turned heel and ran away.

  


*******************

  


Josh smiled as he came down from the guest room. He had came in earlier and gotten changed into some normal clothing. Josh had stayed in the room for a while just drawing in Ranma's school books. " Coast is clear!"He muttered to himself as he crept down the hall trying to look casual. He froze however when he turned face to face with Kasumi. "WAAAH!!!!"

  


"Where have you been?" Kasumi asked. 

  


Josh looked around nervously. " Well that is... I went with Akane on her morning run and woke up early." 

  


Kasumi sighed. " Please don't lie to me Josh. I already talked to Akane. She was back 15 minutes ago and you weren't with her." 

  


"Er." 

  


"Did you cheat on Nabiki with Ranma?" She asked. "I want to know. I'd understand if you did."

  


Josh tried to look away from the girl's gaze but it seemed that she was being heartfelt and honest. He really couldn't say no to his one true love. "I have a weakness." He stated drooping his head and shoulders. "I can't say no to an Asian woman... and I'm easily seduced." 

  


Kasumi looked a little shocked. "Oh my!" Kasumi paused and seemed to be contemplating something.

  


"You're going to tell Nabiki aren't you?" Josh asked, his tail twitching. Kasumi didn't reply. Josh sighed. "I'm sorry about what I did. I really am. Listen Kasumi... I'll tell Nabiki on my own. Marriage is based on trust and honesty. I won't lie to her." 

  


"Just... How did it happen?" Kasumi asked. Her eyes watering slightly. "She trusted you." 

  


Josh then crossed his muscular yet lithe arms across his chest and sat down on the top step of the stairs. "Kasumi me and Nabiki had a fight during our... honeymoon. A serious fight." 

  


"I heard." Kasumi said as she sat down beside him. 

  


"I was vulnerable... I was just... so angry. She'd been lying to me so much and I couldn't see through it. Ranma's girl form offered comfort. It just happened to be in the form of sex." 

  


"That's the part I don't get." Kasumi started. " Ranma used to be so masculine... even when in girl form? Why is she different now?" She asked.

  


Josh smiled. "She's all girl now... she developed a female hormonal balance and sexual preference. I didn't expect it either... it caught me by surprise when she all of a sudden seduced me. HA HA HA!!!" Josh laughed at the situation.

  


Kasumi looked suddenly angry. "This is not a funny situation." She said calmly yet with such venom that Josh stopped instantly. 

  


"Sorry." 

  


"Do you realize what could happen? What if Ranma becomes pregnant? Are you ready to bring a child into this world? Let alone an illegitimate one? Nabiki told me that you used protection on your honeymoon since she's only 17. But you didn't give that kind of thought when you did it with Ranma!" Kasumi continued slightly stern. 

"I'm sorry Kasumi." Josh stated.

  


Kasumi stood up. "I'm not the one you should apologize to. I can, however, think of two other teenage girls that you could afford to say sorry to." 

Josh nodded and stood up. "Thanks Kasumi. You're the best." 

  


Josh then walked down the stairs towards the living room where he was sure to find at least one of the girls. Josh looked around when he entered the room and looked confused. "Eh? No Ranma or Nabiki?" 

  


Both the male Ranma's popped their heads up from the couch where they were watching an anime of some sort. "We're right here Josh!" They said simultaneously. 

  


Josh shook his head. "No I'm looking for the female Ranma. You see her lately?" 

  


Ranma #1 shrugged. "We didn't see her at all today, not even when we woke up." 

  


Ranma #2 nodded. " Yeah... and she hasn't come back from wherever she's been yet either." 

  


Josh turned around and started walking out of the Tendo dojo.*That's strange!* She thought, *How come she hasn't come back from the school?*

  


*********************

  


The next day. The female of the Ranma twins looked down at the address on the little piece of paper that she was holding and then looked up at the house she was standing in front of. "It sure took a long time to find out where she lived." She muttered to herself. "I hope this works." Ranma then sighed "Here goes nothing." With that statement she began to walk towards the house. She looked tentative up at the house as she stood at the front door. *It's been so long.* She thought. Ranma took a deep breath and steeled herself. *Alright! Here I go!* Just then the door opened. "Eh?" 

  


"Huh?" The woman at the door inquired as she noticed the teenaged red-haired girl, just preparing to knock. Nodoka was about to head out to the market to get some groceries, but was suddenly entranced by the girl's eyes, as though she had seen them before. " Can I help you?" She asked the girl.

  


The girl just stood there, perfectly still. Not a single muscle moved as she just stood there staring at the older woman's face. Finally, with all of her strength to get the words past the lump in her throat she stated. "Momma?"

  


Nodoka had a look of shock and confusion on her face.

  


***************

  


Evan smiled as he walked down the street towards a random bar. He started to hum and then burst out singing a very off key tune that didn't actually rhyme at all. "WELL!!! EVAN THE NINJA!!!!

WALKING DOWN THE STREETS OF TOKYO!!

GOT A MISSION FROM BBBD!!!!

GONNA GO AND GET COMPLETELY PLASTERED!!!

TO LURE MY EVIL ENEMY OUT!!!!

CAUSE HE WILL TRY TO STEAL MY PANTS!!

AND I WILL KICK HIM IN DA NUTS!!!

BA BUMP!!!

DA NUTZ!!

SHA DUMP!!!

PEOPLE LOOKING AT ME FUNNY!!!!

AS I WALK DOWN TO THE BAR!!!

I PREFER TO DRINK SAKE!!!

WHEN IT IS HEATED UP A LITTLE BIT!!!

BBBD IS A FURRY DUDE!!!

AND I HAVE SUPER COOL ICE POWERS!!!!

NOW I'LL BE PUTTIN ON THE MAD BEATS!!!"

  


Evan then began to do rap style beats. "Yeah." Evan then turned into the bar and sat down at a stool. He smiled as he ordered a bottle of sake. " OY! BAR GUY!!! I'LL HAVE SOME SAKE!!!" Moments later he received his drinks and turned around so that he could lean against the bar. He then turned his head to the side and noticed, something familiar... or rather someone. "A...Akane?" He said in shock. 

  


Just then Akane Tendo whipped her head to the side to see the familiar man sitting beside her. *Oh NO!!!* She thought. *My secret!*

  


Evan just looked confused at the girl as he took slugs of his bottle. "Yo? Whats up Akane? You got a drinking problem!?!?"

  


Just then Akane stumbled to her feet, and ran as fast as she could out the door. "NOOOOO!!!!! I'M NOT A FREAK!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" She screamed as she fled.

  


Evan just stared after her, actually forgetting about his drink for a single moment. "Akane's an Alcoholic?" He muttered to himself. He then turned to the bartender who was currently drying a glass, as all bartenders seem to be always doing. "Hey. She come in here a lot?" He asked.

  


The bartender, a short yet slim Japanese man with short black hair, a grateful dead T-shirt and a Fuck you hat, nodded. "Yeah... her names Akane. She's a pretty bad drunk. Whenever some boy hits on her or someone upsets her she comes down here and has a few rounds. She gets drunk easily but somehow she's able to hide the fact that she drinks from her relatives and friends." The bartender smiled. "You know her?" 

  


Evan nodded. "Yeah... I never knew she was so..." Evan gasped and dropped his sake bottle. *C...Could it be? Could I... be... it can't be possible.* Evan shook his head and noticed the smashed Sake bottle. He turned his head towards the bartender. "I'll have three or eight more of those. I've got work to do." 

  


The bartender looked flabbergasted. "You're drinking on the job!?!?!" He wondered.

  


Evan smiled. "Silly bar wench! Drinking is my job."

  


*********************

  


Akane sniffled as she walked home. She wiped at her eyes and continued to stare at the ground. *Evan knows I'm a drunk now!* She thought to herself in despair. *He's such a big mouth! He'll tell everyone about it... starting with Josh!* Tears began to run down her cheeks. She stopped outside the Tendo dojo and leaned against the wall. *But that look he gave me.* She thought back to the time at the bar, which was only about 3 minutes prior. She imagined Evan's face looking at her lovingly. His eyes sparkly with infatuation. *He seemed so kind and understanding. Myabe I can count on him to not tell anyone about my problem.* Akane smiled as she hugged herself. "Yeah." She muttered. "He won't tell anyone."

  


******************

  


Evan smiled as he sat across from Josh. "Dude, Akane's an alcoholic." He stated.

  


"Wait'll I tell Nabiki!" Josh said standing up.

  


******************

  


Nodoka frowned as she looked at the red headed girl who claimed to be the physical representation of her son Ranma's feminine side. Her story was a little bit unbelievable but she could see so much of a resemblance in her features to her self that she couldn't deny that it might just possibly be the truth. The girl had cried and hugged her when they began to talk and told her about the man she wanted to marry and even asked her permission to be with him. She literally thought she was her daughter with all her heart. "So..." Nodoka started. "My son is now twins and living at the Tendo dojo?" She asked. 

  


The female Ranma nodded. 

  


Nodoka looked thoughtful and leaned back on the couch that she was sitting at after setting down her te a cup. "Is this split a part of a power? Like the ones that seem to have been showing up in so many people lately?" She asked.

  


Again Ranma nodded. "We just split up into three different personalities. I became a girl in the truest sense and even fell in love with a man..." 

  


Nodoka smiled. "Well it's so nice to hear that. You're such a pretty girl."

  


Ranma turned her head away from her mother and blushed. "Father never told us anything about you. We assumed you'd passed away after having been away from you so long. Josh was the one that told me you were still alive. I was hoping that you'd come to the dojo with me to meet my brothers."

  


Nodoka thought about this for a moment then shrugged inside while remaining smiling and calm on the outside. *Why not? She thought. *he worst that could happen would be that it turns out she's lying. If she's telling the truth then I'll now have three beautiful children!* Nodoka's thoughts then became dark. *And I'll tear it into Genma's hide for taking my baby away from me!!* Nodoka then looked up to the pigtailed girl. "Okay dear. I'll go with you. I certainly miss my family."

  


Ranma smiled and leapt to the woman's embrace, wrapping her arms around her with fresh tears streaming from her eyes. "Thank you for believing me Mommy." She said, clutching the woman for dear life.

  


Nodoka smiled and waved it off. "It's not a problem dear. Now... tell me about this man... What's he like?" She asked. "Give me all the details."

  


***************

  


Genma squinted his eyes and had a deep contemplative frown across his face as he carefully watched Soun's move. The two of them were in their male forms and playing Shogi. Soun very carefully took one of his pieces and moved it forward. Soun smiled at his decision and kept his eyes on the board to make sure no pieces went missing as Genma took his turn. Soun looked up for a moment however when some movement caught his eyes. 

  


"Say," Soun stated pointing his finger over Genma's shoulder. "Isn't that your wife Nodoka who you haven't seen in a long time with Ranma's girl half?" He asked.

  


Genma's eyes bugged out and became full of fear then he burst out laughing. "BWA HA HA HA HAA!!! Good one Soun old boy! You sounded so sincere! I almost actually turned around!"

  


Behind Genma an enraged Nodoka was standing holding a katana over her head ready to strike at her husband. Soun looked a little worried. "Old friend... I think you should turn around."

  


Genma, who just realized that Soun was not looking at the game, rearranged the pieces in his favor and then turned around. "Now what is so... AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" Genma screamed as he quickly rolled to the left, narrowly avoiding the blade that sliced the shogi board in two. Genma quickly backed up against a wall in fear staring at the woman that was his wife. "N...N...No-chan. What a nice surprise!" He said hoping to quell the beasts rage.

  


Nodoka growled. "You took my Baby away... got him cursed! Now I have three children and you didn't even bother to tell me!" She growled. "I cannot forgive you husband." 

  


Ranma's girl half grabbed Nodoka's arm. "Mommy please don't kill him. It's not his fault... he's scared." Nodoka tried to keep her deadly anger filled appearance up but quickly faltered and lowered her blade.

  


"You are lucky, Genma, that our daughter is such a kind person with so much love in her heart." Nodoka stated. "Now I haven't told Ranma why you're so scared of me... so when the children get back from school I expect that you will tell the story in full. Do you understand!?" She demanded.

  


Genma nodded furiously from his bowed position on the floor. "Of course my wife!" He stated in uninhibited fear.

  


********************

  


Josh smiled as he hung outside of Nabiki's bedroom window upside down, showing in his sharp canines with a toothy smile. "Hey Nabiki Guess what?" He questioned just before flipping right side up and landing on her small balcony. 

  


Just then Evan showed up behind Josh his body turned completely into an ice form. "Josh!" He said. "I have to talk to you before you tell Nabiki."

  


Josh and Nabiki looked back to the person as he too landed on the balcony via ice slide and reverted to a normal, and clothed, state. "What's up?" Josh muttered, his blue tail twitching with confusion. 

  


"Not here." Evan stated. His expression suddenly serious.

  


Josh blinked in fascinated confusion. He rarely saw his friend with such a serious expression across his face. It was like... some kind of bizaro Evan. 

  


Evan then slid down to the Dojo in the yard and Josh teleported inside to meet him. "What's up? You suddenly gain a conscience and don't want to cause mischief towards the most annoying Tendo?" He asked with a smile. "This ain't like you man."

  


Evan shook his head and sat down on the floor, his legs crossed. "It's not that. I just suddenly have this feeling that people aren't supposed to know about Akane."

  


Josh looked surprised. "You really don't want me to tell everyone!?" He stated, moving in closer and feeling Evan's forehead, after removing his ninja headband thing. "Are you okay?"

  


Evan slapped his best friend's blue, three fingered hand away. "I'm not sick!" He growled as he picked up his headband and put it back on his head.

  


"I don't know it was pretty warm... " Josh muttered as he sat down across from the black haired boy.

  


"Shut up!" Evan stated. "It's just..."

  


Josh suddenly looked shocked. "Oh my GOD!!" He sat shocked as he realized why his friend was coming to the youngest Tendo's defense. "You like... AKANE!!!" He stated, hardly believing that he had said those words.

  


"I do not!!" Evan screamed before fleeing from the dojo and Ice sliding away as fast as possible.

  


Josh smiled as he watched his friend leave. "Maybe I won't tell everyone. This could prove entertaining." He then got up and left the dojo, headed for the house.

  


******************

  


The two Ranma's smiled as they entered the house, meeting up with Josh on the way in. "Tadaima!" they called out, announcing their arrival. "Sorry we're late!" The first Ranma started off as they took off their shoes.

  


"We stopped to get something to eat!" The second Ranma completed. 

  


Josh, and the two Ranma's paused in surprise as they cam upon, Nodoka, Genma, female Ranma, and Soun. "Oh crap!" Josh started.

  


"Who's that?" Both Ranma's said together as they simultaneously pointed towards the woman, who looked somewhat familiar.

  


"Tell them Genma dear!" Nodoka stated forcefully to her husband. The Ranma's sat down nearby the group looking to Genma for answers.

  


Genma sighed. "This is your mother Ranmas." He stated motioning towards the woman.

  


"Mom!?" They both stated again simultaneously.

  


Genma nodded. "When I first wanted to take you on a training trip your mother made us sign a contract that said we would commit Seppuku if I did not make you into a man among men."

  


"WHAT!?!?!" All three Ranmas shouted, completely appalled by the revelation.

  


Genma put up his hand to silence them. "I had every intention of going back to her with you... but then you got a curse that turned you into a girl. I was afraid that she would uphold the pact and have us kill ourselves."

  


Nodoka growled. "But what mother on this planet would ever force their loved ones to do that!?!?! I made the contract to keep you in line! I was hoping you'd be too afraid to sign it!!" Nodoka then sighed and calmed down slightly. "Whatever the case You're now triplets and I have a daughter too." Nodoka then eyed the blue skinned, blonde man sitting beside the Ranmas. "Is that the man you were telling mew about?" She asked the female Ranma.

  


The female Ranma nodded and blushed. "Yes mother. That's Josh."

  


Nodoka smiled. "He would make a fine husband. Daughter! I have decided to let you marry this man."

  


"WHAT!!!!!!" Came the ring all around the room. 

  


"MARRY!?!?" the male Ranma's yelled. "She's Not marrying a guy!!"

  


"Why not?" Nodoka asked. "She's a girl... and she loves him. She told me."

  


Josh sighed. "Jesus what exactly did you tell her Ranma." He asked. 

  


"The truth!" The redheaded girl said. "I'm in love with you Josh. I can't help the fact... I told her everything." The last part she said with a very red and prominent blush on her face.

  


Nodoka then unsheathed her katana and pointed it at Josh. "We did a few tests and I can't have my future grandchild without a father. You'll marry her immediately."

  


"G...Grand...child!?!?" Josh muttered in fear. "My god! Kasumi was right!" 

  


Just then two pairs of arms grasped Josh's shirt. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER!?!?" They screamed angrily. "WHAT DOES SHE MEAN GRANDCHILD!?!?" They screamed simultaneously.

  


"I'm pregnant." Ranma's female form admitted. 

  


Everyone in the room froze in shock. 

  


"HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON MY BABY!!!?" He yelled at Josh, tears streaming from his eyes.

  


"Cheat?" Nodoka asked confused. "What are you talking about?" 

  


"He's married to ME!!" Came a voice from behind Josh. 

  


Josh suddenly became a lighter shade of blue. *Oh no! I'm going to die!!* He thought as his tail went stiff and he felt his hair rise. He slowly turned around and saw Nabiki standing over him with glowing red eyes and a dark aura that visually showed how mad she was. "Hi dear. I was... uhhh... going to tell you."

  


"When!?" She growled. "When you had three more kids with her behind my back!?" She growled.

  


Josh in desperation to diffuse the situation jumped to his feet and pointed to female Ranma. "It's not my fault it's hers!! She seduced me while I was vulnerable."

  


Nabiki's aura flared and she clenched a fist. "Josh no BAKAAAAAA!!!!!!" With that she threw a ki powered punch of anger and jealousy towards her husband which sent him through the roof flying into the stratosphere.

  


Nodoka gripped her Katana's hilt firmly. "An affair? This will not do."

  


The male Ranmas growled as they stared off after their student. "I'm gonna kill him!" The first one stated.

  


"For doing... _that_ to her.!" The second continued.

  


"After all..."

  


"She's still us."

  


Ranma's female form smiled. "I'm so happy."

  


**********************

  


Author's notes: {Well there's another chapter of SI. It's slightly shorter than normal... I think. I could be wrong though. Isn't this fun? We're all back in Ranma world and I made another girl pregnant... only this time it isn't my wife. And is Evan really attracted to Akane!? Who knows but Evan. Will I survive the wrath of Ranmas 1 and 2? Or Nodoka? Will Evan get together with Akane? Tune in next chapter for the exciting conclusion... or it couldf be the halfway point... whatever just keep reading.}

  


(JD eats poop. He's hasn't been here for a shit load... and he ate the shit load... like the poopeater he is. Him and his cock necked daughter do German shiza films. Anywho... this chapter was cool. I figured out why Akane is a bitch, but that's nice... blah blah blah, ....blah.... poopie.... bye)

  


Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com

  


Agasaki Ishano: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com

  
  


TBC


	35. The Taming of the Bitch

  


  
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Self Insertion

Chapter 35

The Taming of the Bitch

Josh smiled as he began to descend from the sky after being rocketed up there by Nabiki. He looked off in the distance and noticed some sort of winged creature. He waved to it. "HEY! JD!!!!" He called out to the rocklike gargoyle as it flew around in the air. JD quickly flew towards Josh as he got closer and closer to contacting with the ground painfully and managed to grab him by the tail, preventing him, just barely, from going splat. The sensation was painful, but bearable. "Thanks." Josh said with a small little wave. "Not like I couldn't have just teleported away though."

"You can do that now?" The vagina necked creature asked as he flew them both down to the ground gently.

"Yeah."

"What were you doing all the way the hell up here?"

Josh sighed and pointed to the welt on his blue face. "Trouble with the wife. She hit me really hard. She accidentally found out about my affair."

"Ouch." JD said sympathetically. "That's gotta suck. What's Evan up to?" He asked, curious about his other best friend.

Josh looked thoughtful and then shrugged. "Who knows."

*********************

Slightly later Evan trudged into the bar he had found Akane brooding in before. *This bar seems to be a good place to brood, sides, I might find Akane here again....But, I mean, I don't want to find her or anything, I mean come on, this is Akane I'm talking about. AKANE FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! She's a boy hating, unlovable, smooth skinned, sexy Asian girl with deep blue hair and a perfect body that has been honed by strenuous martial arts activities that prolong stamina and add flexibility that would make most porn stars blush....* Evan stopped for a second. "Oh my god." he whispered. "I have a crush on Akane...." he waited for the inevitable shudder, which never came. "And that doesn't bother me...." Evan shook his head to clear his thoughts. "Ah shit. This will be odd.... my first 'girl chasing' experience in a good long time. It will be tough, but I am prepared." With that he walked up to the bartender and ordered a pint of lager. 

Three drinks later (estimated to be about two minutes, I was slacking) Akane walked into the bar Evan had found her in before. *I hope I can trust him with my secret, It would be horrible if he told anyone.* 

"HI AKANE!!" Evan called out from his stool as he patted the stool beside his, which was forcefully emptied by a shove from the Ninjitsu student. 

Akane reluctantly walked over and took a seat in the recently made vacant stool. "Hi Evan, can you not yell my name in here. I'd prefer if not too many people knew about my drinking." 

"Ah, hell, drinking is nothing to be ashamed of, I mean look at me! I've been drinking for near 4 years straight with out sober breaks at all. I mean, I turned out Ok, I've got a good, high paying government job that I should never mention, I've been trained by countless Ninjitsu masters, met some cool people, went on epic adventures, made movies, and got mutant powers amongst other things, that would take forever to list." 

Akane sighed. "I kind of envy you." She stated sadly.

"What!?!" Evan wondered completely confused. "How the hells that possible!?" 

Akane blushed. "You've got no worries. No matter how much I drink I just... can't stop being sad. I can't get rid of my anger and depression."

Evan smiled wickedly. "It's time for your lesson young Padawan." He said, sliding a bottle of hard liquor in front of the 16 year old girl.

**************

Josh smiled as he and JD sat in a small restaurant eating ice cream. Normally the sight of a blue elf like mutant and a gargoyle with a vagina on his neck would be a little unnerving to the public but nowadays it seemed everyother person had some sort of super power or physical mutation. "Mmmm. Ice cream." Josh stated.

****************

Evan woke up mysteriously back in front of the Tendo dojo, he looked down and shrugged. 'Typical. No pants. Boxers gone to." He looked over at the female form that he had been apparently spooning. "That's new."

"Mmm." Akane murmured as she slowly woke up. She sat up and looked around, starting when she saw her lack of pants and undergarments.. She held back a scream and looked over and Evan, back to her naked lower half, and back at Evan. "We didn't...."

Evan shrugged. "Don't think so." 

Akane wiped her forehead and pulled her school uniform down slightly. "That's good... I wouldn't want to you know...." 

Evan nodded in faked comprehension. "Oh yeah. Wouldn't want to."

"Why not?" 

"Huh?"

"Why wouldn't you want to?"

"Um... wouldn't want to ruin our.... relationship... by doing the deed before marriage..."

Akane smiled. *He doesn't want to rush physical relationships. One point for him.*

*Narrowly avoided that bullet. Gotta keep my head clearer for more trick questions.* Evan thought fighting back a sweat.

Akane smiled and moved a little closer to Evan. "You know I don't like Ranma much... and... thanks for helping me get completely wasted. It's nice to not be depressed once in a while." 

Evan blinked. Then he blinked again. He was staring at Akane's eyes. Evan then blinked. "What?"

Akane smiled and leaned forwards, kissing Evan on the cheek. "They don't have to know about us." She stated. "It could be our secret."

Evan smiled lustily. "Oooooh yeah!" He then shook his head. "I mean..." *What would turn Akane on...?* he thought to himself. Evan then got it. "YES MY QUEEN!!!" He screamed while bowing at her feet.

Akane smiled and put her finger to her mouth. "Shhhh! I'll see you later Evan." With that Akane walked into the house.

Evan stared after her... never taking his eyes away from her ass. "I have no pants." He muttered.

***************

Josh left JD when his daughter(with cock on her neck) came and picked him up. Josh smiled as he walked back to the Tendo dojo. He noticed Evan sitting outside with no pant on... and a stiffy... and a stupid expression on his face. "You're so weird." Josh stated.

Evan snapped out of it and changed into his ice form which did not show off his genitalia. "What!?" He demanded.

Josh smiled. "Were you just with Akane?" He asked. "Huh stud? Huh?" 

Evan shook his head. "I am not at liberty to divulge that information.... yes."

Josh smiled and opened the door to the Dojo, leading the way into the house. "Somebody's got a crush on Ranma's fiancé!" He teased.

"Ranma doesn't want her. I'm just doing what is best for that poor, alcoholic girl." Evan retorted. "Sides, the rumor tree says you like Ranma."

Josh looked annoyed. "That's not from the rumor tree! I told you that while I was working at Ukyo's!" 

"And...."

"Shut up."

"Anywho.... So what's up with you and Ran-chan?" Evan asked his best friend.

Josh sighed and stopped just in front of the door of the house. "Well I had that affair with her, knocked her up... she's having a baby... Nabiki's pissed off." He stated.

"I guess that's understandable.... Nabiki will try and get all your money from you off this one dude." Evan said with a grin.

Just then as Josh reached for the door nob the door flew open and a blur of red rushed out and knocked Josh over onto the ground surprising him. "WELCOME HOME SWEETY!!" Came the voice of Ranma's female form as she tackled her one time lover, hugging him as tightly as she could. 

"What the HELL!?!?!" He screamed. Noting the red-headed pigtailed girl latched to him. He then started to push her. "GET OFF OF ME!!" He screamed, having trouble breathing. Ranma quickly removed her self and sat across from him.

"Sorry I was just excited is all." Ranma said with a blush, turning away slightly.

Josh shook his head and stood up, offering a hand almost unconsciously for the female twin of Ranma Saotome. "What's with this sweety thing?" 

Ranma smiled. "Nabiki left shortly after you did to file for a divorce!" She stated, she then rushed forward and hugged him again. "Now WE can get married and raise our family!" She cried happily. 

Evan held back a snicker. "You really screwed up this time Josh... I mean, kill people, destroy worlds, but don't mess with Nabiki.. She will kick your ass all law-like, and you'll be all. 'Oh my gawd, how did she do it' and I'll be all, 'I told you dude', and you'll be all, 'shut up dude, you started this whole thing', and I'll be all, 'did not', then you'll go, 'did too!', then you'll punch me and I'll be all like, 'dude? Why?', and then you'll hit me again and I'll punch you back, then we'll fight until we knock each other out and then go back at kick each other's ass the next day, and then the next one, and then we'll level Tokyo just like the movies!"

Josh just stared at Evan while Ran-chan cocked an eyebrow in confusion. 

"When do we start?" Evan asked.

Josh sighed. "Technically I didn't do anything against the law. There's nothing she can do about that. All she can do is divorce me... I don't really mind, I never wanted to be engaged to her in the first place. I just don't want to be on bad terms is all." He said.

"Isn't adultery against the law?" Evan asked, knowing very well that it was. "And cause it is, Ran-chan has some very incriminating evidence in her womb right now."

"Adultery? What the hell are you talking about?" Josh inquired.

"You screwed Ranma. And you were married, that's adultery dude." Evan pondered. "I sound too serious... I need to go launch puppies from catapults or something... I have a reputation to hold up."

Evan then left leaving Josh with a worried expression on his face. He turned his blue head towards Ranma."Do you think it counts if you seduced me while I was intoxicated with anger?"

"It was gooood wasn't it?" Ranma said as she hugged him again.

"Are you even listening to me?"

********************

Evan walked off to go do something drastically stupid. "This is bad... I was all.... 'serious' when I was talking to Josh... that is messed up... I mean, I'm never serious.... unless of course, I'm reforming after spending time with Akane...." Evan shuddered, something he hadn't done too much of since he became in complete control of cold. "I need to pull a caper. A good caper.... a caper to end all capers..... caperriffic.... caper is a stupid word....." With that he reached into his pocket dimension and reached around for something random and pulled his hand out. "I SUMMON!!!!.....pants.... how the hell did pants get into my pocket universe...." Evan shrugged as he put the jeans on and did up the belt that was sewn into the denim. "Hey.... don't I have to kill Pant Man?" He asked himself as he fumbled around in his pocket universe again, finding the correct documents. He flipped it open and read the file. "I do need to kill him... but where would a pant stealing psychopath hang out?" Evan asked as he walked by the alley he had once fought Pant man so many years ago. "Worth a shot." With that he made a dramatic entrance into the alley and began to act drunk until he fake passed out in a heap of garbage.

****************

Akane ran past Josh and Ranma in a hurry out of the house. "Yo Akane! What's the rush!?" Josh asked. 

Akane pause only slightly and frowned, still not liking Josh for cheating on her sister, having heard the story from the crying Soun in the house moments before. She held up the pair of Ranma's pants that she was carrying. "I'm bringing Evan some pants. He got drunk and someone stole his pants while he was unconscious."

Without another word she left out the gate. She stopped where she last left Evan but he wasn't there. "Where could he be?" She wondered. She noticed the delicious smell of alcohol in the air and followed her nose in the direction hoping her instincts were right.

*******************

Ten minutes later Evan heard the sound of rustling in a nearby dumpster, he squinted his already closed eyes until it hurt. "Ow." he murmured. With that the dumpster seemed to erupt with denim. Evan rolled back until he sort of got to his feet and prepared for battle with his arch nemesis who didn't know he was his arch nemesis cause this was a sorta new universe and hadn't fought Evan before but that really doesn't matter right now.... So Evan prepared for battle as Pant-Man landed, a protective circle of jeans surrounding him as he faced his unknown foe.

"WHO ARE YOU THAT YOU WOULD INVADE MY ALLEY!!?" Pant-Man asked ominously of the boy he had stolen pants off of earlier. "None have ever tracked me down before!!"

"I AM THE TREAT IN YOUR CerEas...." Evan coughed. "Sorry, CEREAL!!!! I AM THE NIGHT IN YOUR MARE!!! I AM THE CRISPY IN YOUR CRUNCH!!!.... In other words I'm the guy who is gonna kick your ass. Basically... now If you could just turn around and... sorta bend over.. Then I could finish this." Evan stared at Pant-Man with a confusing glare which off balanced Pant-Man to the point of almost toppling over. 

With that Evan lunged at him quickly forming an ice knife and preparing to deliver the coup de grace, which is French for killing blow or some gay french shit like that.

Pant-Man laughed maniacally as Evan's knife shattered on his denim. "HA HA HA!!! You cannot defeat me with ice! I have stolen several pairs of thermal underpants."

Evan gasped. "FROM BATMAN!?!??!...!?!?!!??"

Pant-Man paused confused. "What? No.... What are you talking about?"

"MEET DOOM!!!"

"Who? AHHH!!!" Pant-Man dodged the well placed kick, which wasn't well placed at all cause it missed, and countered with a: "COTTON PANTY CHAIN WHIP!" With that a string white cotton panties tied together whipped out at Evan who dodged it and watched it, surprisingly, cut into a brick wall. 

Evan landed in a ready stance and frowned. "You know your attacks would be a lot more effective if you didn't announce them before you threw them at me." 

Pant man frowned and readied another attack. "Yeah but they won't work if I don't." 

Evan smirked "Well that's stupid."

Pant-Man growled and thrust his hands forward. "PANTALOON TYPHOON!!!!" He screamed sending a huricane of razor pants towards Evan. 

The teenage Ice Man responded by thrusting his hands forward and creating a small barrier around himself which blocked the 'typhoon' from hurting him too much, though what did get through cut through his shirt and only his reflexes allowed him to keep his limbs. After the attack finished Evan kicked his way out of the ice shield and grimaced, his left arm was numb and he had to hold his other arm to it so that he could prevent the majority of his blood loss. Pant-Man laughed at the sight and prepared another attack.

Suddenly a dark shadow darkened the alley way and Pant-Man stopped himself from delivering the killing blow. "DON'T YOU TOUCH HIM!!!" An angry feminine voice hollered as the dark figure reached behind her and drew out a large wooden mallet.

"HOLY SHIT!! AKANE!?!?... Pant-Man, I would run." Evan commented as he edged to the side of the alley to give Akane a clear shot at the villain. 

Pant-Man raised an eyebrow in intrigue. "Why, she's just some wussy girl."

Akane's chi flared. She started to yell something but it came out as unintelligible screaming as she bounded up to Pant-Man, clearing the distance in a second and bringing her hammer down hard before Pant-Man could retaliate. 

TWACK!!!

"OH MY GOD!!!!" Pant-Man screamed as his right arm was almost separated from his body. He then passed out from the shock and pain and fell to the ground.

Evan got up slowly and grinned. "Now let's see who you really are." Evan said as he walked up to the incapacitated Pant-Man and yanked the pants off his head to reveal: "YOU!?!?!?" Evan then looked up to Akane. "Do you know who that is?"

Akane shook her head. "Never seen him in my life." 

Evan nodded. "Ah." He then stroked his chin as he contemplated something. "What are you doing here by the way?" He asked the 16 year old martial artist girl.

Akane then held up her package and blushed. "I thought you could use some pants. So I brought you some. But I guess you already have some." She said motioning towards Evan's pants with her eyes.

"Right..." Evan started nervously. "Well now that Pant-Man is defeated how about we tie him up and celebrate by getting piss drunk?" 

Akane smiled and blushed some more. "That'd be nice."

**************

One hour of drinking later Evan and Akane stumbled out of the nearest bar, their arms wrapped around each other so they could actually stand. "Dis id da trunkness ni nevER Gotted!!" Evan slurred as he swayed back and forth, making it so Akane had to attempt to counter act his swaying with some sway of her own.

"YoooooOooO is da greatNEstEd PerCone nEVeR!!" Akane replied as she attempted to kiss Evan but ended up losing her balance and making the both of them topple over onto the street. 

"We CannoooOt Ssneeay HeRp 'Kanr!" Evan replied as he pushed them both onto the side walk and passed out, Akane followed suit seconds later.

Moment after the drunken pair passed out Pant-Man awoke from his slumber. "Where am I?" He wondered looking around. 

"You're in a bar." Said the bartender. "My bar... those two kindly folks dropped you off here all tied up." 

Pant-Man noticed that he was indeed tied up and then called out: "COTTON CUTTERS!!!" Producing a pair of rigid cotton panties and cutting through the rope. 

The bartender frowned. "Could you not yell like that in here?" He asked sternly of the pant clad man.

Pant-Man smiled, covered his appearance with a pair of pants again and fled the bar, laughing maniacally the whole way. He soon stumbled upon the drunken duo. Pant-Man frowned and grimaced in pain at his broken right arm. "I live to fight again mysterious foe... I would finish the job here and now... but all my attacks need the use of both arms. I barely escaped your rope." 

Just then the bartender popped his head out the door. "Hey! Could you stop talking to unconscious people? You're scaring away my customers." 

Pant-Man froze in annoyance but then smiled at the man. "Very well." The bartender left and Pan-Man looked back down at the pair. He then bent down and removed their pants and undergarments. "I'll take these!" 

With that Pant-Man fled the scene... to live to fight another day... after going to a hospital... so that he could make his arm... y'know... not broken.

****************

Evan frowned as he awoke in front of the bar draped over Akane, who had no pants on... in fact neither did he... and once again he had a huge stiffy, although this time there was a cheese burger impaled upon it for some reason. Evan looked at the cheese burger, looked at Akane, and looked back at the cheese burger. "What the HELL did we do last night!?!" 

Evan looked down at Akane and smiled... then he looked back at the cheeseburger, then he looked up at the bum who was eyeing it hungrilly."What do you want?"

"I could use a bite of that cheese burger." answered the dirty hobo.

Evan blink blinked, looked at the cheese burger and then back at the hobo. "You are one TWISTED hobo, you know that don't you!?!"

"It looks like a niiiice cheese burger." Replied the hobo, licking his lips.

"You disturb me." Evan replied.

"Can I just nibble it?"

"Dude, get away from me."

"I think that cheese burger is calling out to me man. It's like 'eat me' an I'm all like, Ok cheese burger, I'll eat you. And it says 'Good'."

With that, Evan reached into his pocket dimension, pulled out a bottle of sake, broke it on the curb and shoved the splintery end into the man's forehead. "No cheeseburger for you!!!"

"Just one bite!!!"

"HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE!!!???" Evan screamed as he pulled the cheeseburger off of his penis. 

The Hobo lurched back to standing height and the wound on his forehead closed up suddenly. "CheeeEEEeeeEEEeeeEEEESE!!!" The Hobo's mustache curled and he got a glazed look in his eyes as he lunged at the burger. Evan then threw it as far as he could and the hobo ran after it.

Evan breathed out a sigh of relief and sat back down on the cold pavement. "Oh man... I thought I was a rape victim for SURE!!" Just then he heard a moan from beside him and looked at the pant-less Akane. Evan then cradled her in his arms and left on his ice sled thing, that goes places... while he's on it... cause he controls ice... even though that doesn't really explain how he actually accelerates forward on the thing... 

****************

Moments later Evan arrived with a still sleeping Akane at the front of the Tendo dojo, just to find Soun there waiting for them. Evan quickly converted to ice form to hide the fact that he had a major lack of pants, but that still left the problem of Akane's half nudity. Evan stopped (another odd thing about Iceman's powers, how the hell doesn't he just fly off and hit something?) In front of the girl's father and looked around. "This is awkward."

Soun was brimming with tears. He sniffed once and then looked at Evan. "Is that blood?"

"Huh?"

"On your, you know? Is that my babies virginal blood on your icy member!?!"

"No... It's ketchup."

"Huh? How did..."

Evan cut him off. "It involves a hobo, a cheeseburger, and a bar containing a lot of alcohol. Long story short..... ummm.... it's ketchup."

"Oh.... so Akane is...?"

"Still 'pure'."

Soun wiped away his tears which took a good minute and he still looked like he had a gallon or two still ready to burst. "Good.... but how... I mean.... why no pants?"

"My arch nemesis took them."

"Oh.... why?"

"To use as a weapon against me later.... sort of an insult to injury thing... and he draws power of pants and under garments."

Soun raised an eyebrow, squirted a few tears for good measure. "Ok... so he uses pants as weapons?"

Evan nodded. "Basically."

"Ok.... um.... do you want to come in... maybe... put some pants on?"

Evan looked down at his icy erection. "Sure... that'd be good."

With that Soun led Evan to Akane's room to drop her off before he got Evan a pair of loose fitting silk kung-fu pants.

**********************

Josh sighed as he walked towards the guest room where he and the Saotomes were staying temporarily. He had a sandwich and was returning from a quick trip to the kitchen. "Damn." he whined to himself in hopes of making himself feel better. "Everything is hell in a handbasket." He then opened the door ro his room and stopped cold as he stared down the business end of a Katana. 

"An affair?" Asked the woman holding the blade. "My baby was nothing more than an object of lust for you? Someone to take off the pressure of married life?"

Josh backed up slightly. "No... NO! Nodoka, it's not what you think. I like Ranma, Nabiki's divorcing me as we speak. I just... I'm not ready for married life after my first wife died."

Josh then cringed in terror, covering his head and looking away as he awaited the end. It never came however. So he looked up to see Nodoka looking somewhat sympathetic. "You... You're not going to kill me?" He asked.

Nodoka shook her head. "Only if you don't marry my daughter. I'm sorry about your loss, but if you're ready to be having sex then you are ready to be married." She then smiled, " Ranma seems quite taken with you, and she's excited about being a mother. I think together you'll be able to do just fine."

Josh slowly uncovered his head and slowly stood up from his crouching fetal position. "So I have your blessings?" He asked, starting to smile. 

"No." Nodoka said quickly holding up the blade and leveling it at Josh's neck. "I think you're a despicable pervert who just wanted to take advantage of my baby. The only reason I'm allowing this marriage is because she's carrying your child and you helped reunite my family."

"Can I go now?" Josh asked. 

Nodoka nodded and Josh teleported away. He reappeared in the Uuchan panting heavily. "That was scary." he stated as he leaned against the wall.

******************

Author's Notes: {Well that's chapter 35 of SI. Is anyone else surprised we've gotten this far? I mean seriously... we've only JUST got into the ultimate story here. The plot JUST started. I mean... it took a completely different direction then we'd planned when we first started. When we first started we'd decided to have a big climax in the Star Wars universe at, like, chapter 25. So here we are 10 chapters later and we're still going strong, the laughs keep coming and they keep getting bigger... though the slapstick part has died down somewhat. Well here's the Don of the Fanfiction world(cocky or what?) Saying... 'buy a sailor... buy a sailor... I once watched a snail crawl across a chocolate eclair... that's my dream... that's my nightmare.' And I have no idea what that means.}

(Unlike Josh I know exactly what the snail thing means, it mean Brando is a fat ass and he didn't want a snail ruining his damn eclair!!)

{It's true.}

(Any who. Despite the RUDE interruption. I shall continue with.... what the hell was I saying? Oh well... Some guy gave me an imaginary 6 pack in some posty thing that Josh-chan read... and I want a REAL 6 pack... and none of that watered down American crap! I'm talking REAL Canadian beer... like .... HEINEKEN!!! That's as Canadian as Apple fritters.... which are pretty damn Canadian if you ask any police officer around.... I mean, how do they eat all those donuts... seriously. I mean.... how many fritters can one man/woman/ womanman eat. Well.... ONWARD FOR ANTIOCH!!!!)

{Well speaking of cop cars... on Monster's garage they're turning a cop car into a rolling donut shop.

Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com

AgasakiIshano: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com

http://mordennnight.tripod.com

TBC

  
  



	36. Janitor

  


  
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Self Insertion

Chapter 36

Janitor

Evan woke up on the couch in the Tendo dojo with a mild hangover. *It was a good night last night... minus that whole, explaining thing.... oh well... * 

Just then Josh came down from his room which he now shared with the Saotomes since Nabiki divorced him and now hates his guts. "Hey Evan what's up?" he asked as he scratched his tail.

"Nuttin" Evan replied groggily. "Just woke up.... how's divorcing mister loverboy?"

Josh frowned as he pulled out some Oat filled Oaty Oh's and poured a bowl. "Could be worse. Nabiki hates me but she's keeping quite. Ranma's nice and puts out a hell of a lot."

"You're a slut, you know that right?" Evan said with a grin. "I've trained you well."

Josh looked thoughtful and shrugged. "Y'know now that I think of it it probably WAS your fault that I"m a raving sex fiend... most everything else is your fault."

"And you are just figuring that out?" Evan said scratching his head and yawning. "I mean, I even got you engaged to Nabiki and stuff... but at least I'm not slutty McSlutslut."

Josh looked thoughtful again for the second time that day. "Let's see. I've had Kasumi, Nabiki, Ranma, and that's it. You've had Blink, and, Oh yeah! ALL THOSE WHORES IN CHINA!!"

Evan cringed as he remembered his first sexual experience on this journey. "Let's not bring that up shall we?... but at least my 'experiences' have been outside of the main cast.... for the most part." Evan smiled. "I'm not screwing up the time line... unlike _some people_"

Josh shrugged. Once Again, a movement that lately he's become obsessed with. "You also screwed a bunch of Japanese whores."

"Huh? I don't remember that one Hamham."

"No? Well I do... they chased you all over town hamburger dick!" Josh retorted.

"Huh...... um.... at least I didn't hit my head, get kidnaped by some crazy bitch and try to marry her while being married to another girl.... Gak Face."

Josh looked confused. "Huh? I don't remember that."

"Course, you had amnesia.... but it was still you who did it." Evan paused, thinking of the appropriate insult. "Pee-brain."

Josh growled. "YEAH!!?!?!? WELL YOU WERE A VAMPIRE AND KILLED HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE!!! THEN YOU WEREN'T AND YOU KILLED HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE!!!"

Evan shrugged. "At least I'm consistent."

Josh finished eating his Oat filled Oaty Oh's and then pulled out a box of Prune flake encrusted Bran Bombs. "Yeah well. I like Ranma better than Nabiki. I think it's a good thing that I cheated on her and screwed Ranma. She's a lot damn nicer and doesn't lie all the time..."

"Yeah... but Nabiki wasn't originally a guy... a major plus in my books.... those prune things aren't safe..... you know that right?"

Josh rolled his eyes. "Shut up! You ARE the one who's currently trying to get into Akane's pants remember?" Josh then devoured his entire bowl of Prune Flake Encrusted Bran Bombs in one in one bite. He paused for a moment. "I have to poop."

"Figures." Evan said as Josh hurried to the bathroom, clutching his ass for dear life. "I haven't seen that in a while.... actually... I don't remember EVER seeing that..... and I never want to again...... eww." Evan shrugged and tried to get up... but found the couch to comfortable. "MUST..... RESIST..... COUCH!!!!!!!" With that, Evan pushed himself forcefully off the couch and landed on his face. "Floor so comfy.... MUST RESIST.... FLOOR!!!!!" With that Evan got up, brushed himself off and went into the kitchen to make breakfast. He found some sugary sugar tarts and cream. He poured himself a bowl and sat down on the counter. "COUNTER SO...SOFT!!! MUST.....RESIST....COUNTER!!!!!" Evan then ate his cereal with the name thing and fell asleep.

Josh rushed into the bathroom and stopped cold when he realized that it was in use. By Nabiki, who had just undressed to get ready for her bath. Josh shrugged and paid her and her shocked expression no mind and dropped his pants, sitting down on the toilet and letting it all out. "OHHH YEAH!!!!" 

Nabiki screamed at Josh. "GET OUT YOU PERVERTED FREAK!!!!" 

"No." Josh stated. "Have to poop."

Nabiki decided that the best course of action was to continually beat Josh over the head with soap on a rope and other bathroom items. 

Josh just responded with a steady plop plop plop sound.

****************

Later that day the three Ranmas, Genma, Soun, Josh, Evan, Kasumi, Nodoka, and Nabiki all sat around the living room table having a household meeting. 

Soun frowned as he looked upon al present at the table and began to talk. "Now I'm sure you've all got some recollection as to why we might be having this meeting here today."

Most of the people nodded. 

"It has been brought to my attention that the arrival of our two latest house guests has brought nothing but trouble." He began. Josh and Evan looked at each other a little sheepishly, knowing full well that they were the cause of this meeting. "Between Josh's marriage and Divorce to my second daughter, and Evan-san's constant drunken state and pant less ness. This house has fallen into disarray chaos."

"I'll watch out for Evan a lot closer." Josh said. "Please don't kick us out! We've... WE'VE GOT NO PLACE ELSE TO GOOOO!!!" 

"AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO REEEAD!!!" Evan paused. "Actually, I'm lying... I read like a fox."

Josh promptly punched Evan in the side of the face, sending him through the back wall, accidentally destroying an important structural support beam of the house and collapsing the whole west side of the Tendo's family home. "Oops."

Soun's ears appeared to be steaming now and he burst out into his demon head attack. "GET OUT!!! NOW!!!!!" He screamed at the blue skinned and cold skinned boys.

With that Evan walked up to Soun, glared into his eyes and smiled. He turned around and said. "Hey... what happened to your house?"

Josh and Evan quickly found themselves in low earth orbit moments later. They landed... gently. Josh using his teleporting to stop any painful splattings. And Evan made a slide out of ice... and twirled TWIRLED to freedom!(ahem) 

"Well this is a predicament... my girlfriend is pregnant and I'm now living on the streets. I could sleep at the University... y'know... since I teleport." Josh stated, more talking to himself than to Evan who was now walking on his hands around Josh.

"I could just go to my apartment." Evan said as he started to cartwheel around Josh.

Josh extended one of his three fingered hands and grabbed Evan's shirt as he went by, pulling him so that he was face to face. "What do you mean apartment?" He asked. Using a tone that insisted Evan mind what he says next.

"Josh? You didn't know I owned a apartment complex? I mean, I put all my pocket universe crap in the rooms I don't rent...." He noticed Josh's odd expression. "What? You thought I just got drunk all the time?" When Josh nodded yes Evan shrugged. "Well.... um.... I was drunk when I bought it.... so I guess your right.... but hell. It worked out in the end anyway eh?.... Patcha?"

Josh let go of Evan and stood up. "Well at least you have good timing this time. Show me where it is. I should probably phone Ranchan and let her know where we are."

"Well Ok... but you're going to have to pay rent.... I don't want none of you freeloaders."

Josh glared at Evan... "Just remember who pays for your booze most of the time."

" I do... I mean... I just steal your money. But I pay the guy at the bar.... so I pay for my beer." Evan retorted.

"I'm not paying rent. If you try to make me... I'll make life very unpleasant for you. I could spread a rumor that would quickly find it's way to... Oh I don't know say... Akane?"

Evan pondered this for a minute. (A whole minute) "Hmm... well... no rent... but I don't want you bitching like that chick in 234 who says there is a tank barrel pointing at her door all day. That lady is psycho... I mean.... I keep my tank in the room across from her. But I don't know what tank barrel she's talking about... what a BITCH. But I locked her in her room with a rabid monkey and some bananas tied to her youngest child..... I think I solved that problem." Evan stopped. "But she keeps screaming for some reason....." Evan started to walk towards the apartment saying. "WHINE WHINE WHINE, BITCH BITCH BITCH," And repeating it like a mantra till Josh punched him.

*************

Josh looked around the apartment complex that Evan bought. It was relatively large and had plenty of rooms. Since he didn't have to pay taxes and stuff cause of his government job as an assassin he could make a lot of money off of the rent alone. "So Evan?" Josh started as they entered the place. "How many of the rooms are you renting out?"

Evan looked thoughtful and then began counting on his fingers... he was taking a long time and Josh just let it go figuring it was at least 40 rooms. "About five." Evan said.

Josh face faulted. "W...What!?" 

"Five."

"I HEARD YOU!!!" Josh screamed. "What's in all the other rooms!?" 

"Stuff." 

"What kind of stuff?" Josh inquired. Looking quite exasperated.

"Oh... stuff I picked up on our travels.... a Sherman Tank.... a 50 caliber rifle.... or ten.... and N2 mines.... and a chick.... and a kitty.... named Fluffy.... and some more stuff.... and some other things..... plus.... um...."

Josh cut him off. "ALL RIGHT!! I get. The idea. Let's just go!"

With that they went into the building, heading for the room that they'd be sharing from now on. "Now you can have this room.... and live with me.... or you can have the room that is lined with N2 mines.... now I know it's kinda dangerous.... and you really can't open the door for fear of leveling most of Japan and a bit of the Western coast."

"I'll STAY HERE!! I'LL STAY HERE! Just... could you at least put the N2 mines in your pocket universe so that they don't blow up? We're not as invulnerable as we used to be." Josh stated.

"Huh.... I'm not invulnerable? I haven't been hurt yet by anything other than you... and that's normal.... and I haven't been blown into little tiny pieces and red mist yet.... so I think your lying. And the N2 mines STAY!!! I LOVE THEM AND THEY ARE NICE AND MAKE ME BREAKFAST AND HOLD MY HAIR BACK WHEN I'M PUKING AND CLEAN UP WHEN I DO OTHER THINGS!"

"Actually." Came a voice from behind them. Josh and Evan turned around confused at the interruption to see a woman standing there. "That's me who does all of those things for you Evan-san."

Josh looked confused. The woman looked to be about both he and Evan's age... She had long black hair that went down to the small of her back and was very Kasumi like. She was holding a broom and wore a blue and white dress. Josh looked to Evan. "Who's she?"

Evan looked thoughtful and shrugged. "Who are you?"

The girl looked a little perplexed and sighed. "It's me...Hibiya Chitose... you hired me to be the landlady and take care of your stuff."

Evan smacked his fist into his open palm and smiled. "Oh yeah!"

"You don't actually remember her do you?" Josh whispered to Evan." Evan just shook his head no.

Josh extended one of his hands to greet her and smiled. "It's nice to meet you Hibiya-san. I'm Josh. We'll be staying here from now on so you can expect to see more of us." 

"You are such a whore." Evan muttered so that only Josh could hear.

Josh just frowned for a moment and then put on a happy smile again for Hibiya. "Well I'll see you later Kanrinnin-san I think we'll get set up now.

Hibiya nodded and turned away to leave as well. "It's good to meet you as well Josh-san." With that She left and Evan and Josh went into Evan's apartment.

******************

Ranma frowned as she sulked in her room at the Tendo Dojo. She could hardly believe that her fiancé had been kicked out. Only days after she had conceived at that. "It's not fair!" She muttered into the pillow that she was hugging close to herself. 

Just then her ears perked up at the sound of her mother's voice coming from downstairs. "RANMA-CHAN!!"

Ranma dropped the pillow and curiously opened her door and peered out. "What is it Mom?" She asked.

"The phone is for you!"

"Be right down!" She called out before getting up and rushing down the stairs so as not to keep the person waiting for her. "Hello?" She asked as she picked up the phone from her mothers waiting hands. 

"Hey Ranma." Josh said on the other end of the line.

Ranma's smile brightened and a nearby male Ranma frowned as he noticed her expression and realized who it was she was talking to. He turned to his twin brother and frowned. "She's talking to _him_ again." He stated.

The other Ranma punched his fist and growled. "I can't believe we taght that bastard anything goes!" He then paused and looked up at his brother as their trains of thought crossed paths and collided mischievously.

"Y' know..." Started the other Ranma.

"We could... _continue _his training..."

"Give him some..."

"_Advanced_ classes?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah!" 

Back at the phone the female Ranma looked concerned. "Where are you sweety? Yo don't have a lot of money because of Evan's drinking problem. Are you at a payphone?"

"No." Josh stated at the other end. "It actually turns out that Evan makes some good money at his government job as an assassin and bought an entire apartments complex while he was drunk."

Ranma looked surpised. "Really?"

Josh nodded a movement that he did unconsciously that his companion couldn't actually see. "Yeah. He even hired a land lady and he doesn't even know it."

Ranma giggled, a sound that made both the male Ranmas in the neighboring room gag. "That's funny. So where is it?" 

Josh gave Ranma the address for the apartment he and Evan were staying at and the room number. As, unbeknownst to he, she wrote it down carefully. They then exchanged parting pleasantries and hung up.

*************

Josh smiled as he looked out the windows as the sun began to set on the distant horizon. "Not a bad view at all." He muttered to himself. He then clutched his stomach as it growled hungrily. "My master commands and I obey." He stated cheerfully. He picked up a sweater to stave off the cold of night and called out to his best friend. "HEY!! I'M GOING OUT YOU WANT ANYTHING!?!" He questioned.

Evan's happy cry came back soon there after. "BEER!!! and BEER!! And FUNIONS!!! GET ME SOME OF THOSE TOFFY THINGS!!! AND A BURITO!!DON'T FORGET BEER!!!"

Josh rolled his eyes and walked out the door, deciding to take his sweet ass time in this task just to enjoy the silence of food shopping.

**************

Josh smiled as he walked back towards the apartment after he had finished picking up everything that he had set out for at the supermarket. He was currently munching on a bag of chips as he went along, just enjoying his walk. He turned his head at one point and noticed a back road that led to the apartment as well. "Never took that road before." He muttered to himself through a mouthful of chips. He shrugged his shoulders and the turned into the road. "Might as well."

Josh continued to smiled as he blissfully walked through the back road towards the Apartment complex that Evan had bought. He was busy humming a tune as he sipped in a coke through a straw. He walked past a heap of garbage on the curb and then froze as he realized that there was something odd in the pile. 

Josh turned to the pile of garbage with a shocked expression on his face. "OH MY GOOOOD!!!!" He screamed.

***************

Evan frowned as he looked at his watch and noted the time. "Where's my beer?" He wondered as he looked up and glared at the door to the apartment. 

Just then Josh burst into the room with what appeared to be a teenage girl in his arms, wrapped up in some sort of white cloth. "EVAN!!!" The blue elf like boy screamed as he ran inside followed by a concerned Hibiya following closely behind.

"Josh-san!" Hibiya called out trying to get his attention.

Josh turned towards her in a panick and yelled at her. "NOT NOW WOMAN!! I'VE GOT A LIFE TO SAVE!!"

Josh then set the, surprisingly, heavy yet lithe girl on the ground and brushed a three fingered hand through his hair. "What's wrong Clooney?" Evan asked.

"This poor girl was discarded in someone's garbage pile. She's still warm I think she has a chance!" Josh said before rolling up his sleeves and checking the girl's neck for a pulse. "No pulse! I'll need to perform C.P.R.!" He then plugged the girl's nose, tilted her chin up and placed his lips to hers breathing out trying to force air into her lungs. He then backed up and began pressing repeatedly on her chest. "LIVE DAMN IT! LIVE!!!"

"Josh -san..."

"DAMN IT!! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO SAVE A LIFE!?!?" He then turned to his friend. "Evan! Get me a scalpel three Dr. Peppers and a tooth brush STAT!!" 

Evan nodded. "AY AY CAPTAIN!!" He then left and shortly after came back as Josh continued to try C.P.R. on the long blonde haired girl. 

"STOP IT!!!" The scream broke Evan and Josh out of their panic and Hibiya stood there glaring at them. "Josh-san... I believe that girl is actually a robot. One of those Persocons that have been coming out lately."

Josh and Evan looked at the prone girl on the floor in confusion. "P...Persocon?" They stated together.

Hibiya-san nodded. "Yes. They're a near sentient robot slash personal computer. You can tell them by those outlets where their ears should be."

"Computer?" Evan stated. He then smiled "Cool!"

Josh looked down at the long blonde haired girl and just now noticed the ear like things. He reach a hand out and opened one up. Inside there was extendable wires and connectors much like on an average household computer. "Persocon?" He wondered out loud again looking towards Hibiya.

Hibiya nodded. "Yes. That's probably the most lifelike one I've seen yet. That's quite a find really. You're lucky to have just found such a high quality Persocon."

"You know now that you mention it..." Josh started. I do recall seeing other people with these things on their heads." He muttered motioning towards the ear like things.

Hibiya stood up and nodded to the two boys. "Well now that that crisis has been averted I'm going to go to finish up some cleaning before the night is done." 

Josh nodded. "Hai! Arigato Kanrinin-san." Hibiya bowed slightly and exited the room, closing the door behind her.

****************

Later that night as Josh was searching for the on button on the new perso con that he now owned, Evan was talking on the phone with Akane. "How's it going drunky?" Evan asked.

"Not so loud... they might hear you!" Akane replied, trying to hush her drinking buddy.

Josh laughed. "It's kinda mean you put her on speaker phone dude."

Evan shrugged. "So... drunky.... hows drinking?"

"It's been different without you holding my hair back as I puke."

"How much did you drink woman!?!"

"7....cases.....of Jack Daniels...... straight..... with a vodka chaser..... and a side of beer."

Evan covered the phone receiver. He looked back at Josh with little heart thingies in his eyes. "I think I'm in love." He stated.

Josh pointed at the phone non-chalantly and said "Speaker phone."

Evan looked at Josh, looked at the phone and then at something on the ceiling. "Oh... crap..... I just admitted my undying love for Alky McAlk Alk."

"Speaker phone."

"FUCK!!! I KEEP DOING THAT!!!"

"And then some american beer... it tasted like water..."

"You're still talking?"

"Huh....yeah.... and some Peach Schnapps as a finisher..... with a little lemon thing.... that I didn't touch because it had no alcohol level." Akane responded.

"Oh..."

Josh sighed and started poking the persocon in random places. "That's sad.. He professed his love and she was talking to herself about beer to much to care."

Evan grinned and hung up the phone. "I miss...." Akane started before she was cut off. "I think I was supposed to call someone..... meh."

Josh sighed as he stared at the Personcon on the floor. "Where the crap is the on switch for this damn thing?" He then leaned back on the floor and stared up at the ceiling. "I've checked everywhere for a switch opf some sort..." Josh paused and then looked down at the Persocon's lower body. "It couldn't be..." Josh sat back up and lowered his hand down to the vaginal area of the persocon and touched it. He then jumped back in surprise. "WHAT THE CRAP!?!" 

"Hah?" Evan stated looking up from his seventh beer. "Wash tha? Boh gob!" He then passed out and Josh looked at the prone Persocon in shock.

"She's anatomically correct!" Josh stated suprised. 

Evan randomly got up again. "And Vaginally activated.... what.. You thought I had that weak a tolerance after all I've drunk? It takes a 24 these days.... and 600 american beers... I brush my teeth with those..... like water."

Josh shrugged and slowly inched towards the Persocon, gulping the lump in his throat as he prepared to check... deeper... for an on button. "Why does this feel so wrong?" He lamented. 

From the background Evan cheerfully replied "ADULTERY!!" 

Josh threw a Philipino sex midget at Evan. He then blinked. "Why do you own...?"

"Pretend you saw nothing... NOTHING!!!"

"Done AND done." Josh replied as Evan hid the midget under his pillow.

Josh then pushed one large nightcrawler finger(of pleasure) fingers deeper into the vagina of the human like robot. After a few minutes of searching her managed to find something and moments later heard a click and what sounded like a computer turning on. The girl began to glow white and make whirring sounds. "Whoa!"

The persocon stopped glowing and floating and then came back down, sitting up and with eyes open and aware. She looked over to Josh blankly. "Chii?" She questioned. Josh blinked and then both he and Josh looked down to where the blue boy's index finger was still buried within the folds of the persocon's vagina. 

Josh then pulled it out and chuckled. "A heh. That's awkward." The persocon then jumped forward and hugged Josh... buck naked and saying Chii happily.

"I have trained you well Josh-chan....." Evan's ears perked up as he heard a knock at the door. "Visitor!.... hold that pose."

Before anyone could react Ranma-chan, nicely pregnant but not noticeably so.... yet (FORBODING!!!!... I got nothing) walked into the shared apartment, "Josh I bought some gro...." Ranma-chan dropped the bags of food and gapped at the scene in front of her. Fully apreciating the fact that a naked girl was mauling Josh, her 'supposed' lover...''.... Who was not reacting too badly to this mauling.... he seemed to almost be enjoying it in Ranma's sight.

In truth Josh looked like a deer caught in headlights...of seven mac trucks... with spikey grills... with I hate deer signs covering the bumpers.... surrounding him. "R...Ranma. It's... not what it seems...!"

"OOH Groceries." Evan said, picking them up off the floor, where Ranma dropped them and depositing them the on a nearby chair. 

A single tear fell from Ranma baby blue eyes and she turned and fled. "I see how you really feel about our relationship... goodbye."

Evan put a hand out and screamed. "NO CRYING ON MY FLOOR!!" This went completely unnoticed by everyone but the sex midget. 

Josh tried to chase after Ranma-chan as she ran away but was hindered by the persocon. "Ranma wai...! ARG!! This thing WEIGHS A TON!!!"

"That's no way to talk to a lady.... you just say... BIOTCH YOU FAT!!!"

Josh glared at Evan and teleported after Ranma unfortunately taking the persocon with him, which was getting lighter with each teleport. Josh caught up with her and grabbed onto her shoulder. She stopped and stared at him with tearful eyes. "Why?" She asked... she then noticed the naked anatomically correct persocon hanging off her fiance. "WHAT'S SHE DOING THERE STILL!!!!" She screamed.

Josh sighed. "This thing is a robot." he said. "I found it today. It's the latest thing on the market, and this one is top of the line." 

"WHAT A NORMAL GIRL LIKE ME'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!?!?" She screamed.

"NO!!" Josh screamed back. "I..." Josh then glared at the robot that didn't let go. "GET OFF!!" He screamed at the thing which for some reason complied. He sighed and looked at Ranma chan with loving eyes. "Ranma... You're the only girl for me... I think I may be falling for you." He stated... a little too dramatically.

Ranma leaned into his chest and stared up at him happily. "Really?" She asked.

Josh looked thoughtful. "Uhhh yeah... I mean... you seduced me easier than any other woman ever has. That's gotta say a lot." He stated.

Ranma smiled, taking that in as a positive, in stead of tentative, response. "Oh Josh! I love you TOO!!" She said throwing her arms around her lover and fiance.

The persocon then mimicked Ranma's movements and wrapped her arms around the both of them. "CHII!" It stated happily.

"The robot goes." Ranma stated with an annoyed glare.

And the woman in 243 screamed.

**************

author's notes. {Okay so here we are in SI. In the Ranmverse. We've got Ranma, Marvel, Chobits... what's next? I don't know do you Evan?}

(I have to write already... God your lazy..... and ... I still got nothing....)

{I also love my adultery! Yeah so who else thinks it';s messed up that I'm dating and screwing Ranma... or at least his girl half anyway. I mean who wouldn't? Asian chicks! Red haired ones. Yeah I'm somewhat of a pervert but that's why I'm going to Japan for 2 years. I'll write still though. I have my own computer now and I'll be getting internet with it soon as my parents buy me a router. Well that's all from me. Here's hoping that they actually do come out with anatomically correct persocons.}

(That's only cause Josh will never score with anything else..... except Filipino sex midgets.... I have a large stock of those..... for no reason at all..... none..... nope... no reason.... I use a lot of periods.... more periods than most women can ponder... which is a lot of periods judging by how bitchy most women get.... alot... and then some.... holy periods batman!!!.... speaking of batman.... coming soon!!! Someone will join the SI team!!!! But will he get shot... then avenged like that other guy!?!?!?!?!?...!?!?!?!..//. Probably not... but here's hoping! Anywho... Josh keeps telling me to write my own stuff like I used to but I just keep writing SI only cause I'm a lazy bastard .... I might write more Spiritual Misadventures, Josh's favorite of my heap of steaming fics.... I might make a webpage call heap of steaming.... It has a ring to it.... It sounds like crap. And I'm cut.)

Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com

http://mordennight.tripod.com

Agasaki Ishano: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com

http://heapofsteaming.tripod.com

Ciao 


	37. A New RoommateRanma’s Lesson

  


  
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Self Insertion

Chapter 37

A New Roommate...Ranma's Lesson

Evan smiled as he woke up the next morning. He breathed in the fresh morning air as the sun beat down

upon his face, warming him nicely and putting a special feeling at the cockles of his heart. "Another

lovely day." He said as he briskly got up and ran/skipped towards the bathroom. Where he promptly

took a whiz and brushed his teeth. He then walked over to Josh's room and opened it up. "Goood

morniAUGH!!!" He then screamed and pointed. "WHAT THE CRAP IS SHE DOING HERE!?!" He

demanded.

Josh yawned and sat up, pushing the persocon out of the way and frowning. "What? Oh Ranma? She's

just gonna be living with us from now on." He stated with a smile as he stroked the sleeping woman's

vibrant red hair.

"Riiight? And when did I say this could happen? I could have you evicted you miscreant.... or

something!!!!" Evan yelled.

Josh smiled. "You said so when you were drunk out of your mind last night... you said something about

hoping to catch a peek of her in the shower."

"Sure... exploiting a man's drunkenness... very clever Mr.Reeds.... very clever... BUT I DOOM

SHALL BE YOUR DOWN FALL!!!.... wait its Reed isn't it?"

"Yup. And that's his first name."

"Oh.... um.... ya got me there... but I'm on to you and your stretchy ways...." Evan said raising an

eyebrow at his friend in .... an expression.

"Well I say she stays." Josh said with a frown as he got up out of bed, careful not to wake his lover.

"That's final. She's never done anything to you. And she cooks really good and I love her."

Evan smiled. "Love her?" He queried. "Don't you love Kasumi...? Or Nabiki...? Or... uh that other

girl...?" He asked.

Josh held up a hand and lifted a finger. "Okay 1: Kasumi is dead, 2: Nabiki... well she's kind of a bitch.

And 3: Who?"

Evan grinned, "Josh, you're shallow and thoughtless. Definitely thoughtless. Oh yeah, tons of

thoughtlessness flowing thoughtlessly through your thoughtless head.... thoughtless."

Josh looked serious and did a baseball 'safe!' thing. "Well that's IT! No more thoughtlessness. I'm

going to make it work between Ranma and me..."

Evan cut him off. "Are you going to kill her or cheat on her this time? Those seem to be your

'relationship markers'."

"NO!!" Josh yelled waking Ranma up but not realizing it. "I'm gonna do right this time. I'm gonna

propose to her... I'm not gonna be forced into an engagement, I'm not going to do it just cause I had

sex with her and got her pregnant..."

"Like Kasumi?" Evan asked.

Josh nodded. "Yeah! I'm gonna marry her and I'm gonna love her!" 

"Good for you Costner." Evan congratulated.

"Y...You love me. You really love me!" Ranma said as she stood up out of the bed and hugged Josh's

blue body. 

"You people are twisted. I'm leaving." Evan said as he sat down.

Josh sniffed in disdain. "Like you were any better with Blink? He asked. You were all over her all the

time. I'm at least trying to create a somewhat stable life for myself." 

"I was kinda sent through multiple dimensions, making any form of relationship near impossible....

sides... many fish in the sea eh?" Evan said, grinning at the memory of Blink.

Josh just looked to Ranma, smiled and kissed her. "So I guess we should get dressed eh dear?" He

asked.

Ranma blushed realizing that she was wearing just a bra and panties in front of Evan and picked up her

jeans from nearby. "Y...yeah."

"Have you told the Tendo's that you're staying here with me?" Josh asked. Pulling out a shirt from

nearby that said 'I'm with stupid' with an arrow pointing to the right, where Ranma was standing when

he put it on.

Evan opened his mouth.

"Just shut it now less I shut it for you." Josh growled.

Evan shrugged and continued.. "Is that a reference to her, or the fact that your genes may be

predominant in the womb?" Evan grinned. "Best I could do on short notice."

Evan quickly received two fist in the face sending him flying through the wall and into the street. "I'll call

the repair man." Josh stated walking out of the room.

"Chii."

"What the crap?" Josh stated turning around before getting glomped by the, seemingly broken,

persocon. "Oh yeah. I have a robot now. Guess I better find and bring you to an expert." He stated

patting it on the head.

The persocon smiled. "Chii!" It stated.

****************

At that moment another Universe collided with the Ranmaverse... this time however circumstances

worked against the imprinting of aspects from that universe onto Ranmaverse. The universe is known as

the D.C. universe. And at the exact moment that the universe collided one figure, a hero, known as

Azrael stood in a pose and at that exact same moment a man named Steve-Dave Brazier was also

standing in that exact pose in his universe. Both these people were also standing at the exact same spot

on their respective earths. This somehow created a chronic temporal shift where Steve Dave was the

only thing to go to Ranmaverse, appearing in the middle of a busy street wearing the batman armour

that Azrael had made.

"WHAT THE CRAP!!!!" Steve Dave screamed as he realized that he had somehow, mysteriously just

appeared in Japan.

At that exact moment Evan walked out of his apartment complex blinked, blinked again and sighed.

"What the hell is Azrael doing here?" Evan coughed. "Excuse me Azrael. My name is Evan. I am a

'powered' person. I know you 'DC' types don't have true 'powers' but only crappy aliens and

'leagues' of 'justice'. So I'll give you the rundown..."

Steve Dave cut him off. "Evan? What the crap are we doing here?"

Evan grinned. "Well.... wait... I recognise that voice.... we went to something together didn't we? Some

sort of thing that we both did..... ya know."

"School?"

"Nope... I'd remember the armor.... um... Bingo?"

"School... Evan we go to school together. I'm Steve Dave." Steve Dave replied.

Evan looked surprised. "No... you're Azrael... I recognize the armor."

Steve Dave looked surprised but you couldn't tell cause he was wearing armor. "Armor?" Stave dave

then looked at his hands which had large technological claw things on them. "Hey I really am wearing

armor! It's so comfortable I might as well be naked!" 

Evan shivered. "That's a scary thought. How the hell do you fit into that thing anyway?"

Steve Dave shrugged, ruffling his cape. "WHOA I HAVE A CAPE!!!"

"No shit sherlock.... umm.. Weren't you a hefty sob?"

Steve Dave shrugged. "Last time I checked.... I guess I must have got some muscles with this armor."

"That's a stupid reason. I bet it has something to do with the armor and you sucking in your gut.

Anywho.. I'm going to go kill someone for money. Wanna join... I could use your 'Dark Knight' Image

for something." Evan said waving one hand in the air for emphasis on Dark and Knight.

"Ok." Steve Dave said with a shrug.

And thus the reunited friends walked off into the sunset(actually sun_rise)_ towards their destination.

Where they would work in politics and earn their keep in the world.

"HEY!! WHO'S SAYIN THAT!!" 

The hobo that had been stalking Evan ran away having been found out during his monologue.

****************

Later that day Evan and Steve Dave (Heretofore referred to as Steve for shortness reasons but also

referred to as Steve Dave for comedy reasons) sat in Evan's favorite bar guzzling beer and laughing

about Evan's easy job. 

"Dude you were so queasy when I told you to peg that nun to the wall so I could hit the padre with the

knife. He was clearly the guy that was needed to be killed for my paycheck to come in." Evan said with

a grin as Steve nervously shrugged off a pat on the back.

"Well. I haven't exactly killed anyone before. I mean... It was a priest. Sure he was sheltering terrorists,

but shouldn't some government hit man take him down?"

"Dude. I am a government hit man."

Steve Dave stepped back off his stool. "I didn't even peg the nun to the wall I just walked away and

tried to ignore the fact that you kill for money."

"Oh.... that's why the nun was all bloody.... and why I had to use two knives..... and why I had to toss

the first knife at the nun to get her down so I could nail padre McTerroristhelper."

"You're twisted.... I don't even think you have a government job!!! WHO DO YOU WORK

FOR!?!!?" Steve Dave screamed, getting the attention of some local bar peoples.

"Keep it down. I've got like five targets in this bar alone that I have to kill before I leave.... Shut up....

anyway I work for BBBD... he's interesting.... and definately gay.... yup a real flamer."

With that BBBD appeared all spy like behind the pair. "Who's your friend?"

Evan shrugged. "Says he knows me... but I don't know where.... I'm thinking from bingo."

"Is this BBBD?" Steve Dave asked.

"WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP CALLING ME THAT!?!?!?!" BBBD screamed.as he threw his

hands in the air and bugged his eyes out.

Evan blew his nose on BBBD's sleave and farted.. "Cause your Blue Burny Black Dude... Dude...."

"Dude." Steve Dave seconded. 

"Duude." Evan retorted.

"Dude." Steve Dave continued.

"Duuuuude." Evan said with a grin.

"Ya got a point, but Dude." Steve replied.

"STOP SAYING THAT!!!!!" BBBD screamed, repeating his last screamtastic action.

Evan just blinked. "Can I do someth ing for you?" He asked BBBD.

BBBD sat down beside Evan and opened a classified folder that Steve Dave looked at over his

shoulder. "Those six targets you were supposed to take out here have left already out the back."

"That's cause you distracted me." Evan stated. 

"THEY WERE GONE AN HOUR AGO!!!" BBBD screamed. He then calmed down and pulled out a

sheet of paper that was pink.

"See?" Evan said to Steve Dave taking the paper. "Total flamer."

"Shut up." BBBD ordered. "This is the location that the targets were headed towards. They somehow

got information about you and your ties and the hits on their heads."

Evan looked at the picture and looked somewhat confused. "That's the Tendo dojo."

BBBD nodded his blue furry head. "Yes. They were told that you have strong family and marital ties to

the family that lives there and they're going to ask for a ransom."

"Ok....um.... I think they got the wrong guy... wait.... oh poop.... I gotta go... and well.... kill stuff

before other things get killed....." Evan then began to mutter. "This dream is fucked up.... and really

fucking long.... I think I'm comatose.... seriously."

BBBD and Steve Dave just stared at Evan. "What is he talking about?" BBBD asked.

"Dude." Steve Dave replied.

"Stop that."

"Duuude." 

BBBD screamed, and ran away.

"Duuuuude."

"Dude?" Evan asked.

"Dude." Steve Dave said with a nod.

"Dude." With that both Evan and Steve Dave walked out of the bar. At that exact moment, the gravity

of someone knowing that Evan had connections to a family that could be very much endangered

because of said connections hit him. 

"Ow.... what hit me....." He then went to Ice form and began to cross country ski to the apartment.

***********

"I'm home!" Evan called out as he opened the door.

"Oh shit!" 

BAMF!!

Shuffle Shuffle, buckle, ziiiip.

Just then Josh and Ranma came out of the kitchen fully clothed but sweating like pigs. "Hey Evan." Josh

said with a fake smile. "Good to see you."

"I'm not cooking dinner in there for a WEEK. Anywho.... did some guys drop by? Um... and I found

Azreal."

"I'm STEVE DAVE!!!!"

Josh nodded. "Yeah... a bunch of guys came by so Ranma made them some tea and I told them your

life story. Why what's up?"

"Oh that's nice.... cause they're Terrorists who want to kill me.....and the Tendos... mostly cause I

know them..... so um..... Teleport?"

Josh nodded. "Sure. By the way. I told them you were in love with Akane."

"Congratulations!!" Ranma stated. Giving Evan a card that said 'We hope it's a boy'.

"I don't fall in love with people the way Josh does.... sorry." Evan replied. "And.... um.... here..... you

need this." He said, handing the card back to her.

Josh glared at Evan and then looked up at Steve Dave. "Wait-a-minute. Steve Dave's Azrael?" He

asked.

Steve Dave nodded and then pointed back at him. "Yeah well you're blue and Evan can turn into ice."

He stated.

"Good point." He said before teleporting away with everyone headed to the Tendo dojo.

"Chii?" Called the robot thing from the kitchen.

*****************

As Evan and 'da crew' appeared just outside of the tendo dojo he stopped. "Was Chii in the kitchen? I

swear I heard her." Evan noted the looks on both Ranma and Josh's faces and shook his head.

"Twisted."

Josh shrugged. "Man she's just a robot. I don't care what she sees... but now that you mention it Chii

would be a sensible name for her."

Evan covered his face with his hand and continued shaking his head. 

"I think it's a cute name!" Ranma said hugging Josh's arm.

"Who are you!?!?" Came a brutish voice from behind the barrel of a magnum that was pointed at

Evan's head.

"Huh?" 

"You!! You're the HIT MAN!!!" The thug said.

Evan nodded. "How'd you recognise me?" He asked.

"I showed them pictures." Josh stated.

"You suck.... you know that don't you.... yes you do.... yes you really suck... yes, for real, sucky....like

Ranma..."

WHACK!!

Ranma took her fist out of Evan's face and hugged Josh. "Don't talk about my fluffy muffin cakes like

that!" She demanded.

Evan pointed at Ranma and shook his head. "Shoot her... for the good of the world shoot her."

"HEY!! PAY ATTENTION TO ME I'VE GOT A GUN!!!! IT'S MAGNUM!!!!" The terrorist said.

"P.I.!!!!!" Evan screamed as he threw his hands up in the air.

Josh then teleported himself and his new fiancé into the dojo living room where three other terrorists

were sitting with Kasumi... who had made them tea. "Oh hello Josh. Would you like to join us?"

"Uhhhh. We're here to rescue you sweety."

WHACK!

"I mean Kasumi." Josh corrected rubbing his ribs.

Ranma nodded in approval. Kasumi smiled. "I suppose you'd want to talk to these gentlemen here

then." She stated motioning towards the three terrorists who now had their weapons trained on Josh

and Ranma.

"So uhhh Kasumi... where's Ranma, and Ranma, and the others?" Josh asked.

Kasumi looked thoughtful. "Well the Ranma's went to your apartment to beat you up. Akane went to

the bar, Nabiki's extorting money from Kuno, Father and Genma are helping master Happosai with his

chores, and auntie Nodoka is practicing in the park."

Josh put his head in his hands. "So Ranma's are attempting assault, Akane's drinking underage,

Nabiki's running her own mini-mafia, Genma and Soun are on a panty raid with the biggest pervert in

Japan, and Nodoka is brandishing a lethal weapon in public?" He asked.

Kasumi nodded.

"And you're harboring fugitives." He finished off.

Kasumi nodded again with her usual pleasant smile. 

Josh sighed. "Is there anything this family does that ISN'T criminal?"

With that the unconscious body of the outdoors terrorist flew threw the rice paper walls and impacted

with one of the other 'fugitives' and knocked him to the floor. Evan laugh flowed into the room as he

tossed a flash bang in and waited.

BOOM!!! SMACK!! KAPOW!!! ZOING!!!! (Enter more batman sounds as nessary to get the

general idea of a beatdown.)

Evan and Steve Dave stood triumphantly over the unconscious bodies of the terrorists as his blinded

friends slowly regained sight. 

"RANMA!!! YOU I KILL!!!!!" A voice screamed from behind Evan. 

Evan didn't think (No surprise) and reacted, bringing his fist to meet the assaulted's face, knocking the

attacker down. Evan grinned and turned around to survey his latest accomplishment. He smiled..... then

his smile faded. "Oh shit..... She wasn't on the list at all!... where's the fifth one.... that sneaky bastard

has to be somewhere!"

"Miss Kasumi I think your cookies....." His sentence was cut off as a shuriken gorged itself into his

windpipe and he began to choke on his own blood and then he made a funny gurgly sound that made

Evan laugh.

"He is the judge, the jury, and the executioner." Josh stated cryptically. "He is Stallone."

"But he is not the clean up crew... that's messy.... Kasumi?" Evan stated with puppy dog eyes.

"Oh my. I better get a towel." Kasumi stated, putting her hand to her mouth, covering it.

"Or two."

"How about a casket?" Came a new voice from the doorway.

Just then everyone in the room turned towards Nabiki who had just gotten home. Josh looked a little

sheepish. "Ah... Nabiki. Done with Kuno already?"

Nabiki shrugged. "Ever since Ranma-chan started acting girly and started wearing women's

undergarments it's not hard to make a sale with him."

"HEY!" Ranma yelled at the brown haired newcomer.

Nabiki walked in and looked around at all the dead bodies. "Dad is gonna be pissed, are you

responsible for this sweet heart?" She asked Josh with a smirk.

Josh frowned. "I'm not the government agent hit man. He is." He stated pointing to his best friend. 

"Just doing my job ma'am. I'll be on my way now... HOLY SHIT!!" Evan screamed as he was

glomped from behind by a mysterious person. 

"WO DE AIREN!!!" She called out happily.

"WHAT IS FRENCHY SAYING!?!?!" Evan screamed, looking for support as he staggered around

with a girl clutching him for dear life.

"Uh..." Josh stated, just now realizing that there was a new female occupant to the room that he

recognized. "Evan she's Chinese... that's that Shampoo girl I told you about."

"The one who wants to kill and marry Ranma for some reason.... sorry... I don't watch your series

people..."

"Right well you just kicked her ass and she just called you her husband." Josh finished.

"CONGRATULATIONS!!!" Ranma chan stated. "We hope it's a boy!" 

"SHOVE IT PREGGERS!!!" Evan screamed at the pregnant girl (hence the preggers...).

Nabiki flipped through her Japanese to Chinese book and nodded. "Yup. She called you husband all

right."

"Okay... I guess I'll just... ZING!!!"

With that Evan slipped out of his new fiancé's grasp and bolted for the nearest safe haven. "Now who's

the slut?"" Josh stated with a smile.

*******************

author's notes: {Evan's got Shampoo, I've Had Ranma, Kasumi, and Nabiki... How many more

Ranma characters are we gonna bag? I mean... we're on a roll. That's all.}

(You lazy lazy fiend. I'm done.)

Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com

http://mordennight.tripod.com

Agasaki Ishano: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com

http://fakewebsite.com

(I wonder if that's a website... someone check that.)

  
  



	38. Ranma’s lessonfor real this time and uh ...

  


  
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Self Insertion

Chapter 38

Ranma's lesson(for real this time) and... uh... Evan loses his pants.

Sometime the next afternoon Evan woke up without pants..... or a shirt for that matter... or any clothes

at all... and he was beside Shampoo. He took his arm out from under her and blink blinked.. "She

raped me..... I was raped..... I WAS RAPED!!!! OH SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL I WAS

RAPED!!!!" 

Shampoo woke up and rolled over and looked up at Evan. "You I Love." She said in broken

Japanese. 

"That's great.... umm...." Evan turned around. Noted another body and turned back to Shampoo.

"How did Akane get here?"

Shampoo looked under Evan and noticed Akane on the other side of Evan, also rather naked. Her

eyes filled with jealousy.

"You don't remember either?" Evan said noting the prominent emotion in Shampoo's eyes.

Shampoo jumped up and began screaming (She's naked and jiggly) "OBSTACLES IS FOR

KILLING!!" She produced some ball mallet things and hopped over Evan swiftly to attack Akane.

Evan rolled over and stopped Shampoo's attack with both hands, namely by grabbing her hands and

applying enough pressure to make her drop the mallet ball things. Shampoo's expression changed

drastically with Evan in front of her. "YOU I LOVE!!!!"

"SHE'S BI-POLAR!!!!" Evan screamed as Shampoo forced herself closer to the struggling Ninja.

"WHY AM I STRUGGLING!?! SHE'S HOT AND NAKED!!!!!"

Akane woke up then. "EXCUSE ME!!!!"

Evan turned around and let his jaw hit the floor. "Walked into that one...."

"AM I JUST BURNT RUBBER TO YOU!?!?!" She demanded.

"OBSTACLES ARE FOR KILLING!!!!" Shampoo replied. 

Evan produced a learn Japanese in 12 easy steps book from his pocket universe and forced it into

Shampoo's mace-less hands. "Oh GO READ A BOOK!!... but stay naked.... real naked."

"Wo Ai Ne." She then began reading.

Akane turned to Evan and frowned. "Evan. Why are we both naked. And why is _she_ here."

"Well... I kinda got engaged to her via an ass kicking I dealt her yesterday.... Past that I can't

remember.... _way_ to much beer." Evan said with more emphasis than necessary.

Josh frowned as he walked into the apartment. "Well... they started the orgy without us." 

WHACK!

"I deserved that." He said as he rubbed his near swollen right rib. "You gotta pick a new target.... So...

way to go Evan. You finally banged Akane."

Akane frowned at Josh. "I Don't want to see you, you PERVERT!!!"

"STOP CALLING PEOPLE PERVERT NAKED WOMAN!!!" Evan screamed at her.

Akane stopped, looked down at her utter nakedness and blushed a shade of red that shouldn't be

natural.

Josh then noticed the nakd Shampoo with the reading glasses on the chair nearby. "I...am...

going...eat...poo" She stated.

"No, no, it's I'm going to GO poo." Evan corrected. "I had trouble with that one too."

Josh then balked... "You... had...a ............threesome?" A tear ran down his cheek and he sniffled

slightly. "Lucky." He muttered before getting a ribshot again by his fiance.

Akane's face returned to normal and she grabbed the nearest object, which happened to be a chair,

and hurled it at Evan who took it square to the face. He remained stable for a second and then tilted

over and collapsed on the floor in a pile of Evan. Shampoo caught sight of this and reverted to her true

dialogue. "YOU I KILL!!!" She screamed as she lunged at Akane with the book held as a weapon of

mass paper cuts.

Akane didn't have a chance. Josh then bamfed from his place at the door and inbetween the two

woman putting his hands out to stop the attack. "STOP IT!! Let's just try and remember what

happened last night and we can settle it!" He stated with one hand on each of the girl's

breasts.{purposely?} 

SQUUEEZY squeezy! 

Josh was suddenly hit in the same spot three time by three fists.

Evan got up, seeming unfazed. "Good one Josh."

Josh just smiled from his place on the floor holding his ribs in pain while tears poured from his eyes. "It

was worth it!" Ranma then frowned and started pulling Josh away by his leg, leaving the naked

couple+1 alone.

"Pervert." She muttered as she dragged him.

"So.... we're naked...." Evan started.

Akane frowned and Shampoo searched the room for weaponry.

"Yup... pretty damn naked if you ask me."

Akane's frown grew ten-fold and Shampoo found a stick.

"Hey..... what are you doing with twiggy?..... yup... naked..... should do some thing.... naked...."

Shampoo gave twiggy a test swing and glared at Akane. Akane glared back and her frown seemed to

possess her whole face and part of her neck.

"That's a big.... naked frown."

"SHUT UP!!!" Both women screamed. Evan sat down and grumbled as he somehow found a

cheeseburger with a hole in the middle and threw it out the window. 

Shortly after a "yippee!" could be heard out in the street.

"Okay." Akane said starting to pull her sweater on.

"No don't get un-naked!!!" Evan started in desperation.

Instant brick to the face syndrome ensued.

"Anyway!!" Akane started again. "Let's think... I was at the bar..."

"And Shampoo was hunting Airen." Shampoo continued.

"I went to the bar to escape Shampoo." Evan added on. His speech rewarded by more pain, as

thumping and moaning sounds began in the nearby bedroom. Evan held his head. "Oh the torment! That

bastard always gets laid and I never get any!!!"

More pain.

"Shampoo find Airen at dark place with smelly air." Shampoo added. 

"The bar." Akane corrected. 

"Ok! I got it! I gave Shampoo moonshine to calm her down and she went nuts! She raped me!

RAPED ME ON THE SPOT!!! ... well she dragged me back her, and you came along after like a

keg... and we all got nekad and screwed like wild monkeys.... at least that's my interpretation."

Pain 3: The unconscious

"Evan's really nice when he's drunk." Akane stated. "He probably offered to let you stay here at his

apartment while you were so messed up. Then..."

"Shampoo take advantage of both Airen and Violent girl?" Shampoo interpreted. 

"WHAT!?!?" Akane screamed. "NO WAY!!! That pervert probably took advantage of us both while

we were intoxicated!!" 

Shampoo picked up the Japanese book and started looking up intoxicated." 

Akane sighed and held her stomach. "Whatever the case... we're probably both pregnant now." She

stated sadly. "We're too young."

Shampoo stopped searching for the big word and started looking up pregnant.

Akane just sighed and started eating from the plate of nachos that Chii was holding.

"Chii?" The little persocon questioned.

**************

Evan woke up three hours later in his bed with an ice pack on his head. "That friggin hurt." He muttered

as he sat up and let the ice pack slide down and into his lap. "Where the hell am I.... oh... here..." Evan

then noticed Shampoo standing over the bed, looking him over carefully. 

"Airen get Shampoo pregnant?" She asked.

Evan's brain stopped functioning for a second. "Gaaah?" He questioned.

"What wrong is?" Shampoo asked in general concern.

Evan clicked back to reality. "Huh... oh.. Nothing... what were you saying?"

"Airen get Shampoo pregnant?" Shampoo repeated.

"I dunno... I hope not.... I mean It's kinda early in the relationship for little kids." Evan said, hoping

Shampoo, and Akane for that matter, were not pregnant. "You're just overreacting. It's a shot in hell

that I could get you pregnant on the first try."

Shampoo nodded. "So no pregnant?"

Evan shrugged back. "Hope not."

"Why not hope? You Airen. Shampoo supposed to be pregnant." Shampoo stated.

Evan blinked. "That's a bit old fashioned Shampoo. Sides we're not even married."

Shampoo stopped and started to look up some words in her dictionary. "Fa...shion." 

"Yup.. Now put it together."

"Fashion."

"There you go. So what got you thinking about pregnancy." Evan asked.

"Slow Airen. Shampoo not great so good at Japan speak." Shampoo said with a smile.

"Sorry.... What is making you think about pregnancy?" Evan asked, slowing down how fast he was

speaking so Shampoo could comprehend.

"Violent Girl said Shampoo and Violent Girl both pregnant probably." Shampoo said.

"Oh... Akane's just being negative... she does that a lot." Evan said, waving it off.

Shampoo nodded. Stopped and started looking threw her dictionary. "Nega...tive."

"Together."

"Negative."

"Good."

"Shampoo not like Japan speak. Airen learn Chinese?" Shampoo offered.

"Umm... I don't know If I can learn things like I used to." (Flashback to how Evan learned Japanese.)

Evan said, thinking back to his earlier days of incredible genius and magic wielding.

"What Airen mean?" Shampoo asked.

"I learnt Japanese in like five seconds... I do know a little very broken Chinese... but it's horrible cause

back then I didn't care." Evan paused. "But this is just a dream right... so it doesn't matter." Evan said,

ignoring reality like a pro.

"Slow."

"I know little Chinese." Evan simplified.

"Speak for Shampoo." Shampoo said, with love in her eyes.

Evan switched to Chinese. "I no speak no good Chinese."

Shampoo laughed and clapped her hands together. "You are pretty good for a beginner." She said in

flawless Chinese.

"Slow... I no speak no good." Evan said.

Shampoo laughed again. "Sorry husband." She said slowly. 

"Thank. You." 

"Together."

"Thank you."

"Good."

"I have much... learning to do." Evan said with a lopsided grin.

Shampoo smiled. "I'll teach you Evan."

"Wow... you no call I husband." Evan said in true amazement.

"I don't like Japanese because it makes me sound like a psychopath." Shampoo said pulling up a

nearby chair and sitting down. 

Evan leaned back in bed and continued to grin. "Cause you no know language good. I sound like

psycho...path....."

"Together."

"Psychopath."

"Good... And you sound fine, not at all insane... well a little insane." Shampoo said with a laugh.

Evan reached for the dictionary which Shampoo put into his hand. He flipped through it until he found

what looked like what Shampoo had said. "Insane." He said in Japanese. He switched back to

Chinese. "Maybe I does sound bit insane."

"Do."

"Huh?"

"Maybe you do sound a bit insane."

"Maybe I does."

"No... say what I said."

"Maybe I do sound a bit insane?" Evan questioned.

"Very good husband." Shampoo said as she reached over and hugged Evan, sliding herself onto the

bed in the same action.

"Thank you." Evan replied, not pressing the matter that Shampoo was now fully under the covers with

him.

"We should sleep now.. You need your rest." Shampoo said with a bit of worry ringing in her voice.

Evan nodded and Shampoo kissed him on the forehead as the pair fell asleep.

***********

An hour later Steve Dave walked into the apartment. He grunted and took off his Azrael helmet,

walked into the kitchen and washed his face in the sink. "This has been one fucked up couple of days."

He commented. 

"Chii?" 

"Huh?" Steve Dave turned around and spotted the lifelike persocon standing in the doorway to the

livingroom. "Oh... It's you... should of figured." He shrugged it off and opened the fridge. Steve Dave

grabbed a beer and popped the top off with one of his gauntlets claws. He yawned and walked past

Chii and into the living room where he collapsed on the couch. "This armor is way to friggin heavy." He

commented as he groped around the couch area for the remote. When he found it he flicked on the

television. "What is this? It's all Japanese, I can't understand a friggin word." He turned it off and laid

down on the couch. He swigged his beer and burped. "Hell it ain't all bad here. I don't have to work

cause of Evan's job. He keeps the fridge stocked with beer. Lot's of great munchies. All I'm missing is

video games... which disturbs me... Evan should be loaded with games due to his salary. And he

doesn't even got a very good TV... just a ratty cheap one." Steve Dave shook his head. *I should get a

job and buy video games or something. It's a need.* Steve Dave nodded and finished off his beer in

one gulp. He then set the bottle down on the couch and got up and grabbed his helmet from the kitchen

*First I should get some clothing that fits, cause this armor would not look good in an interview

setting.* He nodded to himself and walked out the front door and towards the outside world.

An hour and a half latter Steve Dave was still wearing his Azrael armor and was getting some odd

looks from the locals.

"Must be one of those Cosplayers" Most of them said, unbeknownst to Steve Dave, and then they

shrugged it off.

*This is crap.. I can't even read the street signs. There is like no English anywhere, and where there is

its some sort of tourist attraction. Pure crap.* Steve Dave said swinging randomly and rending four

claw marks in a nearby building. *But hell I can, just go off and do whatever I want... I've got crazy

power armor stuff.... I could like... become a super villain or something.* He grinned underneath his

helmet. *That might be fun.. Sides.. Evan says its just a dream anyway... but wait.. How would he be in

my dream and me in his dream? Oh well... dreams are weird.* 

With that Steve Dave went off on his reign of terror. His first stop was a convenience store. 

He strutted into the nearest Ultra Fast Stop and pushed the doors open, his claws scratching the glass

and making a nails on chalkboard sound that got the cashier's attention. The cashier scanned the store

and noted that he and the armor bound freak who scratched the door were the only ones inside. He

reached down under the counter and grabbed the 9mm pistol the owner always kept under the counter

and moved it to a more accessible area, namely his pocket. Steve Dave grinned and walked up to the

cashier and pointed at the cash register and then to a plastic bag , and then to the cashier's clothes. The

cashier didn't know what to do. He pulled out the 9mm and emptied the clip at the armored stranger.

They ricocheted harmlessly off the large imposing man. Steve Dave laughed. *This is so easy, nothing

can hurt me in this armor!!* With that he ripped the cash register off the counter. *And it gives me

super strength to boot. Sweet!* He then walked out the door

And thus began Steve Dave's downward spiral to the dark side.

**************

Josh smiled as he walked out of the bedroom with just a pair of pants on and walked to the kitchen.

Moments later he was distracted by a knock on the front door. He ignored his hunger for a moment

and dragged his blue body to the door to answer it, now carrying a persocon that had latched herself to

his side upon exiting the bedroom. "Nyello." Josh said to the newcomer who stood there. "Can I help

you?" 

"Uh hi... I'm the new tenant. Hideki. I was told by Hibiya-san that I could come down here to get my

key for my new room." The boy asked. He looked to be about 18 or so and wore simple clothing

without large brand names on it. The boy then stopped and then freaked out. "AHHH!!! YOU'VE

GOT BLUE SKIN!!" He screamed.

Josh looked down at himself and smirked. "Yeah... so?" 

"Wh... and pointy ears!"

"Look Hideki... noone cares. I got blue skin get over it. I'll get you your key alright? Now settle down,

reattach your jaw and wait here." Josh then pried the persocon off of himself and went to Evan's room

to go find the room key.

Hideki stood there dumbly and then noticed the persocon there. Who was wearing nothing but a red

Chinese shirt (courtesyt of Ranma.) "AH!! INDECENT!!" Hideki did a double take and then looked at

the ears on the side of her head. "Oh it's a persocon. They sure are lifelike."

"Chii." The persocon said tilting her head to the side slightly.

"Is that your name?" Hideki asked.

"Chii?"

Just then Josh came back and gave Hideki a key. "Here. Now go home." 

Hideki nodded his thanks. "Thank you... which room is mine?" 

Just then Chii's eyes went crazy go nuts and she started making computer like sounds as Josh gave his

answer to The new guy. "You're in room 105." Hideki nodded and walked away. Josh then looked

down at Chii curiously. "Hmmm. What the hell was that?" He wondered. "I'll have to ask that Expert

when I go to see him."

Josh shrugged, closed the door and then went back to Evan's room to tell him that they have a new

tenant.

Evan groaned as light was slowly let into his room. He hissed and shriveled back as Josh flashed a

flashlight in Evan's eyes. "Bastard! We'll kill you my precious!" He said, reverting to a golem-like state.

Josh grinned. He always got a kick out of waking Evan up, he was so over dramatic. "We got a new

tenant."

"Tenant precious? Mmmm.... precious tenant.... what is in his pocketsies? Hmm?" Evan questioned,

curling around Shampoo.

"Just stop that... and how did you get Shampoo back into bed with you?" Josh asked.

"I'm her Airen... or husband. Sorta." Evan said shrugged. "I really don't know... this is the first night I

didn't go to bed drunk in like .... I DON'T EVEN WANT THINK ABOUT IT!!!"

"Riiight." Josh said nodding. "Allow me to explain why you're now engaged to her in less than a minute.

Her laws are fucked up in her tribe, if you beat her up and you're a dude, you have to marry her."

"Sweet.. I've gotta start kicking more girl ass." Evan said, pumping one fist in the air.

"Probably not a great idea." 

"And why not? Jealous of my women beating skills?"

Josh rolled his eyes and stood up. "Yeah. Real jealous. Anyway I have to go... I still have to go to that

university thing. I mean... might as well. Right? Cause... y'know."

"Yeah... not everyone can kill people for a living like me... Sucker!" Evan said with a grin.

Josh shrugged and turned towards the door. "Yeah well at least Doctors are well respected... and I still

get paid a shit load."

"HEY!! I'm Respected! You saw those people who held the Tendos hostage! They respected me!

Respected and feared... but respected none the less!" Evan said raising his voice.

Shampoo yawned slightly and opened her eyes. "What are you talking about husband?" She asked in

Chinese.

"Dumb man try get job as healer man. I make fun of." Evan replied in broken Chinese.

Josh, who had spent time to learn more of the language than Evan shook his head. "Evan I know what

you is saying in China speak."

Evan switched back to Japanese. "Yeah well... shut up!!" 

"Meh... I'm leaving for school." Josh said, also in Japanese.

"BRING HOME BEER!!!" Evan screamed after his friend.

"NO!!" At that Josh attempted to slam the doorbut was stopped by Ranma girl type who was glaring at

him. "Uh oh. What'd I do?"

Ranma latched her arm around Josh's and pulled him towards the bedroom. "Come get dressed, then

take me with you. Furinkan's on the way to the university."

"Oh is that all?" Josh asked with relief. "Okay. Sure no problem sweety." 

Ranma smiled pleasantly at the pet name and once Josh had clothes on she walked with him towards

the university. "So glad you see it my way Ham-Ham." She grinned at the bad nickname.

"Oh god! Nabiki told you about that?" He asked, covering his face in shame.

Ranma gigled and latched onto his arm excitedly. "I think it's cute. Hamahiro Hamamohotomo."

Josh looked thoughtful. "No I think it was Hamahahamamoto."

"Hamamahoro?"

"Hamamahamoto?"

They continued to try and pronounce Josh's fake I.D. name for the rest of the trip there.

******************

Stve Dave smiled as he walked back into the apartment with about seven cash registers. He then set

them down on the coffee(beer) table and started smashing them open. "Money money money, game,

games , video games" he began to sing out loud in his horrible unrelentingly nails on chalkboard singing

voice. 

Just then a brick, the one Akane left there, impacted with Steve Dave's jaw. It didn't hurt but it made a

loud sound. "OW!" He whined.

"Man... don't sing." Evan demanded as he walked out of his bedroom holding hands with his new

fiancé, who somehow didn't mind being engaged to him.

"Oh hey Evan. I noticed you didn't have any video games so I picked up a few cash registers so I

could buy some." He said motioning towards the table that was now strewn with broken stuff. He then

noticed that Evan was holding hands with some hot purple haired chick. "Hey What's up with the

woman? I thought you were going out with slutty Mc. slut slut-tastic." He asked his alternate reality best

friend.

Evan shrugged. "Meh, dreams a dream, might as well make it a wet one."

Steve Dave nodded and looked thoughtful. "Oh hey I was thinking earlier. You say that all this is a

dream right?" 

"Yeah cause it has to be."

"Right" Steve Dave continued. "So if you're dreaming. How am I in your dream unless we're both

having the exact same dream and we're all in each other's dreams." He said as he pulled off his helmet.

Evan just stood there... being ever so silent... the silentest he'd ever been as the crushing reality that he

was, indeed, in reality.

TBC

******************

Author's notes: {Yes... it's true. All this time in SI Evan thought he was dreaming. God is that just

messed up or what?"

Shampoo: {what?}

{Fuck off!! Author's notes are for the authors. Anywho... Ranma still hasn't given any lessons, Steve

Dave seems to be in there just because he asked us to put him in the story and I have a hurt hand..... I

won't tell you why. Now for Evan.}

(Yup... SD is facing the Paul syndrome... now we need to visit Resident Evil again.... oh well, killing

zombies would be fun.... so um... yeah... me thinking I was dreaming explains a bunch don't it? I mean

all that drinking, killing, drinking and doing other stuff.... like killing... and stuff. Anywho.. I got

nothing.... so.. Um... bye.)

Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com

http://mordennight.tripod.com

Agasaki Ishano: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com 

http://I'mhavingsexwithShampooANDAkaneandyou'renot.com

  
  



	39. Ranma’s lesson for real, mannofoolin’

  


  
Check out the NEW Hotbot Tell me when this page is updated 

Self Insertion

Chapter 39

Ranma's lesson for real, man.nofoolin'

Josh sighed as he walked out of class his tail twitching in annoyance. "God dammit I hate homework!" He sighed. HE then stopped as he noticed two people in front of him, blocking his way through the hall. Two very familiar looking people. Two people who are both named Ranma. Josh began to sweat as he noticed the angry glares on their faces. "Uh hey brother's in law... what's up?"

Just then two pairs of hands reached forward and grabbed Josh's arms all martial arts like so that he couldn't teleport away without taking them with him and they smiled darkly at the blue nightcrawler like man. "I think we need to have a heart to heart chat." The first Ranma started. 

"Yeah. We can discuss our powers and why you've been ...doing things... with our girl half." The second continued.

Josh smiled uncomfortably. "Don't you mean sister? I mean... she IS a completely different person now that you're all separated. Why not give her your blessings?" He asked in desperation, feeling the oncoming beating that'll ensue.

Josh was then knocked unconscious. 

The two Ranma's nodded to each other with evil looking smiled and began to drag the mutant away.

*****************

Evan sat down in a recliner and hung his head in his hands. "This is real.... It can't be real.... I mean... I was a Vampire for fucks sake.... that's not real... I was an elf too.... and I killed lots of people..... that's just wrong.... and that's not right.... and I'm still killing people..." 

Steve Dave handed Evan a book. "Evan try reading this book." He said. 

Evan looked confused, not sure how this was going to prove that Steve Dave's theory this was reality. So he shrugged and started reading. "It was a dark and stormy night and all the children were screaming WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?!?" 

"See?" Steve Dave said.

"What?" Evan asked. "So I can read! What does that prove?" He frowned. 

Steve Dave sighed. "Evan people aren't able to comprehend the written word in dreams."

Evan looked thoughtful. "Oh yeah I knew that. I guess I should have thought of that earlier."

Steve Dave Face faulted. "J...Just HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN UNDER THE DELUSION THAT THIS IS A DREAM!?!?"

Evan started counting on his fingers. "Well... If you count all the time before time was reversed.... a long long time."

Steve sighed. "So what are you going to do now that you've realized that you've killed hundreds of people?"

Evan sighed. "Millions actually... but who's counting..... and I really don't know... probably use my crazy ninja abilities to disappear from the military and settle down with Shampoo here."

"What about that other girl you were talking about? The Acne one." Steve Dave asked as Shampoo kept flicking through the English book she'd found in Evan's room frantically trying to find out what all these words meant.

"It's Akane, and Shampoo described this technique she knows that changes people memories.... I figure I can disappear for good." Evan switched to Chinese. "Stop now doing that. It matter not much for you knowing."

Shampoo laughed at Evan's Chinese and set the book down. "Husband is not getting very good at Chinese."

Evan decided to sulk. "Shut uppa you face." He said in broken Chinese.

Shampoo sat down in a chair that was nearby and frowned. "I don't appreciate you talking to me like that." She muttered angrily. 

Evan frowned back at her and then turned to Steve Dave, going back to English. "So yeah... I'll just disappear, no one will miss me or nothing, cause to them I will have never existed."

Steve Dave shook his head. "That's kinda a wussy way out dude."

Evan shrugged. "Whatever. I know I can't 'atone' for my 'sins'..."

Steve Dave grabbed Evan's arms and looked him in the eyes. "Stop quoting." He growled.

"What crawled up your butt, had a party and then died with all it's friends in a horrific accident involving cheese, a stray blast of vomit and some nachos?" Evan retorted.

Steve Dave just blinked and shook his head. "Look Evan the fact that you killed countless innocents over the years can't be easy to comprehend now that you know it's not a dream, but it's over and done with..." He started.

Evan smiled. "Not to mention the fact that God reversed time so that most of it never happened." He said.

Steve Dave shrugged. "Yeah well... you could go after that corrupt government agency that forced you to work for them."

Evan looked confused for a moment. "Wait! How'd you know I was forced by them to work?" He asked, suddenly suspicious of his friend.

Steve Dave chuckled. "Well... You and work don't exactly mix... unless forced." He stated.

Evan nodded. "Good point."

Steve Dave grinned. "So when do we take em down?"

Evan shrugged. "I dunno... but you ain't coming. I wanna..... go to sleep..... go kill the government by yourself you lazy ass." With that Evan began to drift off. Steve slapped him and he woke back up. "Huh!?! What!?! Oh... it's you... how'd it go?" 

"Evan.. You just made no sense at all.. You told me to stay here, then you told me to go after them... should I stay or should I go?"

"Should I stay or should I go..." Evan began to sing. "Do doo doo do. Should I stay or should I go!"

Steve Dave slapped Evan for the second time that day.

"I needed that.... so um... we've gotta kill some people or something right?"

Steve Dave put his head in his hands and groaned. 

"What?" Evan asked. "Did I fart?"

Steve Dave continued to groan and Evan turned around and sniffed the air. 

"Must have wafted already."

Steve Dave continued to groan, a pitch higher now. "Just... shut up.... sit down. We need to go destroy the government organization. We don't have to kill anyone to do this... just stuff like equipment and such. Then we could set them up and get them jailed so they can't bother you. Just like on the movies!"

Evan smiled. "Oh!! So it's not a dream! It's a MOVIE!!!"

"No Evan it's real."

"Damn!" Evan stated. "I guess we could do that. But we'd need Josh to infiltrate us easier. Then we could come up with a plan."

"Husband? What are you and the weird man talking about?" Shampoo asked in her native tongue. Annoyed at his seeming ignoring of her. *He should be a good submissive house husband like he's supposed to.* Shampoo thought darkly. *This thinking for himself is going to have to stop if we're to be married.*

Evan shrugged, switching to Chinese. "Me is no know how is saying this, but, we is to beating up too too evil government."

Shampoo smiled. "If I help would you be more inclined to marry me and be a good submissive husband to cook and clean for me?" She asked.

Evan looked confused. "Me no no get." He said, not understanding the words cook, clean, and submissive. 

Shampoo smiled and switched to Japanese hugging Evan happily. "Shampoo is so happy!" She stated.

Evan smiled and nodded in a cocky manner. "Oh Yeah. I wear the pants in this relationship." He stated in English to Steve Dave.

Steve Dave shrugged. "I have no idea what either of you just said... so um... great."

Evan nodded triumphantly. "Yeah... um... pants.... speaking of which.. I HATE THAT PANT MAN GUY!!!"

"That was random."

"Yup... random... I have to have, like, one random thing a day or my head explodes.... It happened once I SWEAR!!" Evan yelled.

Steve Dave shrugged again. "K... so um... we should go get Josh or something and start kicking ass."

Evan shrugged back. "Sure thing... why did I just shrug... I mean... I knew what was going on... shrugging is weird." Steve Dave shrugged. Evan shrugged back. Steve Dave shrugged again. And thus the shrugging war began. Shampoo won the war by beating them both over the heads with big bonbori.

*****************

Josh sighed as he sat there with the two male Ranmas at the Tendo house in the yard. "So uhh... what is it you guys wanted to talk to me about?" He asked nervously, absently playing with the chain that Ranma had attached to Josh's and his own arm, so he couldn't teleport away without taking him with.

The Ranma with the chain attached to his arm. "We want to talk to you."

"About our sister." The second continued.

"What about her?" Josh asked. "I had sex with her, yes, but she started it so it's okay right? She's all girl."

"THAT'S NOT WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT!!" They both yelled.

"So what is it?" Josh asked. "I promised her I'd marry her and I'd be faithful. I'm trying to make it work with me and her." Josh stated. Trying to dignify his actions.

"Good." The first Ranma started.

"Cause if you ever do anything to upset her..." The other Ranma continued, the both of them glaring angrilly at the blue skinned guy.

"We're going to have to teach you a lesson." They both finished darkly.

"I see." Josh stated. "Don't worry guys. I'll take care of her. She's a very sweet girl. Uhhh... since you're all Ranma... how will we be able to tell you all apart? I mean should I call you Ranma 1 and 2? And my fiancé Ranko or something?" He asked.

The two pigtailed martial artists looked at each other and frowned. "We haven't really thought of that." They started. 

"So... umm.. Can I go now?" Josh asked, flicking his tail around anxiously.

Ranma 1 looked at Ranma 2. "That's all we needed to say wasn't it?"

Ranma 2 looked confused. "I think so. But I think we will have to decide on what we call ourselves... so not to get each other mixed up."

Ranma 1 nodded. "Good idea. Josh, seeing as you came up with the idea an all I think you should pick for us."

Josh looked perplexed. "Well, Girl type you should be called Ranko, and ahh... you," he said pointing at Ranma 2, "can be Ranma 1."

Ranma 1 frowned. "I wanted to be Ranma 1."

Ranma 2 grinned triumphantly. "But you told him to pick the names, so I'm Ranma 1."

Ranma 1, now Ranma 2, turned his head away. "So I'm Ranma two then... alright... I guess I'll deal with it."

Josh nodded. "So that's covered then." 

Ranma 2, now Ranma 1, nodded and moved to take off the chain that bound Josh to his brother. "Wait up... how are we going to let other people know who we are? Cause we are identical an all."

Josh shrugged. "Wear different clothing?" He offered.

Ranma 1 shook his head. "I think we need name tags."

Ranma 2 shook his head. "I ain't wearing no name tag!" He protested.

Josh sighed. "How about one of you wears a red shirt and black pants and the other wears a black shirt and red pants. So it doesn't mess up your color scheme or nothing."

Ranma 1 nodded. "Alright, but I get to wear the red shirt."

Ranma 2 started to get angry. "You're Ranma 1! It ain't fair that you get the regular clothes too!!"

Ranma 1 shrugged. "You can be Ranma 1, but I want the red shirt."

Ranma 2, now Ranma 1, nodded. "Fair enough." He extended his hand to Ranma 1, now Ranma 2, who took it and shook on their deal.

Ranma 2 frowned. "But where are you gonna get a black shirt?"

Ranma 1 joined his brother in frowning. "I dunno... maybe Kasumi's got one."

Ranma 2 nodded. "Probably, she's got all kindsa clothes an stuff." Ranma 1 nodded with his brother, agreeing.

Josh tapped his foot and coughed, attempting to get the Ranmas' attention. He failed as the Ranmas's continued to find the flaws of being two of the same person.

"But where am I gonna find red pants? Especially of the quality that all my black ones are? And I don't think Kasumi's got too many black shirts like my red one. An even if she did have one, I ain't wearing just one shirt for how ever long it takes for Kasumi to do a load of clothes." Ranma 1 complained.

Josh groaned. "You don't have to wear your black shirt all the time, you can wear different clothes some times too."

Ranma 1 nodded, stopped and thought for a second. "But if I'm wearing different clothes how are people gonna tell me from him?" Ranma 2 nodded in agreement.

Josh rolled his eyes. *Should have kept my mouth shut.* "Look, some of the time you guys gotta change out of your red shirt black pants, black shirt red pants deal and go casual and whatever. So why don't one of you get a haircut, or a tattoo or something?"

Ranma 1 began to protest. "But I like how I look! I ain't changing nothing for no one!"

Ranma 2 pondered for a second. "I'll get a tattoo, but I wanna be called Ranma 1."

Ranma 1 nodded. "Fine, as long as I don't have to change myself."

Ranma 2, now Ranma 1 smiled. "Alright. I think I'll get some kinda tribal design on my arm. I guess I should go call the tattoo parlor and schedule an appointment."

Ranma 1, now Ranma 2 frowned. "Actually I want a tattoo too. That tribal thing sounds cool."

"No way!" Ranma 1 yelled. "I called it first!"

"Hello? Can some one take this chain off me?" Josh asked pleadingly. 

Ranma 2 moved to get the key off Ranma 1 and stopped, he turned to Josh and smiled. "Thanks for your help Josh. Sorry about knocking you out and all."

"Great great, key?" Josh hurriedly replied.

Ranma 2 nodded and Ranma 1 tossed him the key. Ranma 2 unlocked the mutant teleporter and then himself. "Hey, you wanna stick around? We could give you some actual training if you wanted."

Josh shook his head. "Maybe another time 'k?" Ranma 2 nodded and walked inside. Josh frowned and teleported back to the apartment that he, Evan, Ranko, Shampoo, Steve Dave and Chii all shared.

********************

Evan woke up to the smell of brimstone. "What the hell hit me?" He questioned as he looked around the room. "Oh... it's you." He said glaring at Josh. "Why didn't you tell me this was all real?"

Josh shrugged. "I think I did a couple times, but just gave up eventually."

Evan grinned. "Makes sense... so umm... I'm kinda going on this whole raid my ex-boss and destroy his organization mission, and I was wondering if you wanted to tag along?"

Josh shook his head. "Nope. I was kinda hoping to relax for a bit. I've got homework and I haven't had any time with Ranko."

"Who the hell is Ranko?" Evan asked.

"Well, the Ranmas' gave me a cheap shot a little while ago and dragged me to the Tendos, and then they made me name them after explaining my intentions with their girl half was completely honorable." Josh said.

"If you call screwing her brains out honorable." Evan interjected.

Josh chose to ignore Evan's comment and continued. "So now Girl type Ranma is going to be called Ranko, one of the Ranmas is Ranma 1 and the other is Ranma 2." 

"That's dumb. You should have given em cool names like Heero or Trowa!" Evan said looking rather excited.

"You watched Gundam Wing again didn't you?" Josh said with a blank face.

Evan grinned. "Yup. It was sweet. Heavyarms was all BRAKKA BRAKKA BRAKKA an Wing was all SZZZAAAMM!!!"

Josh blink blinked and chose to ignore Evan again. "So yeah.. I'm not coming with you tonight."

"Well, we'll go tomorrow." Evan said with a grin.

"Can't, school." Josh said, moving towards his room.

Evan frowned and focused on Josh's door handle. As Josh attempted to turn the handle he cried out in shock. "COLD!!!"

Evan beamed. "Your door handle will remain perpetually cold unless you go on this mission with me."

Josh frowned. "You're a crafty bastard now that you know this is real."

"I know." Evan replied as he created a long rod of ice which he used to jab the TV and change the channel.

"You are also incredibly lazy." Josh said frowning at his best friends display of total couch potatoism. 

Evan shrugged and whistled. In a second Chii walked out of the kitchen holding an open beer. She walked over to Evan and held the beer out for him to take. He did, grinning from ear to ear as Josh gawked at the scene. "I've been working on her." Evan said as he swigged his beer.

Josh pushed his glasses up higher on his nose and shook his head. (That's right, Josh wears glasses.) {So do you} (Shut up!!) {The sad thing is this is all Evan writing this} (Then why would I refer to myself in the third person!?!) {Because you're insane} (All I know is I wouldn't call myself insane.) {You just did, cause this isn't Josh} (Sure it is.) {Shut up and write.} (Where was I?) {You just made Josh shake his head}(Aren't you Josh?) {No.. I'm just writing as Josh because I'm bored.} (This is fruitless) {Who says fruitless?}(I do, shut up the characters are doing something) Josh tapped his foot impatiently. "So... how did you reprogram her to fetch your beer?"

"I didn't. I lost the better portion of my insane amount of knowledge when God reversed time, so I couldn't figure out the circuitry or even the programing. She learned by herself. She's an AI persocon. Or she's real well programmed.. I think AI.. But who really knows eh?" Evan said as he stretched out on the couch. He whistled a different pitch of whistle and Chii walked out of the kitchen and went into Evan's room. She emerged shortly with two pillows off Evan's bed. Evan brought his head forward slightly and Chii placed them under his head.

"OK.... that is pushing it. You are banned from using the persocon.... and how did you change the pitch of your whistle like that... it was unnatural." Josh asked.

Evan smiled and yawned. "I've focused all my time and energy while I was conscious for the past few weeks into honing some of my ice skills, I've found I can alter the shape of my voice box by ice forming it and moving stuff. I just have to remember to change it back once I'm done, or I start speaking in real high voices." 

Josh nodded, impressed with his friend's persistence. "Learn to do anything else?"

"Nope."

Josh's slight admiration for Evan's ability to do things dropped back to the zero mark. "OK then... so um... what time are you going on this 'mission'."

"I dunno... what time is good for you?" Evan asked.

"A bit after school is fine. I can teleport here and then if you show me generally where the complex is we can get some tp action there."

"Toilet paper?"

"Teleporting.... shut up." Josh said shaking his head. He walked up to his door and reached to touch the handle. He stopped inches from the metal and looked over to Evan. "Make it not cold."

"I'm not even concentrating on keeping it cold anymore. It should heat up in a bit... unless you can find a pyro ripoff."

"Huh?"

"Some random person with the abilities of pyro.... you know... you're nightcrawler.... I'm iceman..." Evan said making a circular gesture with his hand to try to get Josh's mind going.

"I already know this... but why would I want a pyro person... I could easily find a sunfire, or better yet sunpyre!" Josh said, getting slightly excited. 

"I'd skip that sunpyre idea. You might start cheating on 'Ranko'." Evan said, grinning from his position on the couch.

Josh shot him a dirty look before he walked into the kitchen and set a kettle on the stove. He walked back out of the kitchen and looked at the TV. "What is that?"

"A promo show called 'Tokyo Breakfast'. It's kinda funny. It about this Japanese family that keeps talking like a generic Black person." Evan said with a slight laugh. "I don't think it's going anywhere though. I don't have a clue what they would do for the second episode. I mean, Grandpa's gone fishen' and they've got a case of forties... nothing is gonna get done."

Josh shrugged. "Whatever. So stick around here till tomorrow once I get back."

"Oh don't worry, I'm not leaving." Evan said yawning and stretching out on the couch.

"I figured... hey, if you take out the government organization how are you going to get ninjitsu lessons?" Josh asked with one eyebrow raised.

Evan finished his stretch and shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe I'll go learn some other style of martial arts... either that or kyujitsu."

"Huh?"

"Art of the bow." Evan said tiredly.

"Whatever." Josh said as the kettle started to whistle. He went into the kitchen and grabbed the kettle and then poured its contents out on the door handle. He grinned and reached down and grabbed the handle. "HOT!!!"

"You just can't win can you?" Evan said with a smile as he finished his beer.

"Cool down my door handle will ya?" Josh asked of Evan.

Evan sat up a bit and pointed at the door handle with his index finger. A slight jet of frosted air shot forth from the teen's finger and froze the once boiled water on contact. "Whoops, back to stage one." Evan said as he let himself fall back onto the couch, making a disturbing thump sound and a slight crack. Within seconds the couch legs closest to Evan's head splintered and left Evan on an angle, his feet higher than his head.

"Gain some weight?" Josh laughed as he walked back into the kitchen with the kettle.

Evan muttered some obscenities and formed a pair of ice shurikens. He proceeded to toss them at the remaining couch legs, he contacted with both and he became level once more. "He shoots, he scores." Evan said with a grin.

Josh walked out of the kitchen and shook his head at Evan. "That's sad." He said as he waited for the kettle to steep again. After a minute of silence Josh spoke up. "Where is Shampoo?"

"Oh... she went to go get some herbal shampoo stuff that erases memories." Evan said as he tossed the remains of one of the couch legs at the TV, changing the channel.

"For the Xi Fang Hang Gou? Why is she getting that?" Josh asked.

"Cause I asked her too." Evan replied.

"Why do I have a feeling of impending doom?"

"Why do you get that feeling before I do anything?"

Josh shook his head. "Because it's always a bad thing that you're about to do."

"Actually this time I'm just getting Shampoo to erase the memories of anyone save you, Steve Dave, and 'Ranko' who has had contact with me. Or at least knows me past my appearance." Evan said, throwing some more couch leg at the TV to find a new channel.

"So you want to disappear?" Josh asked.

"It's for the best I figure. I mean, if everyone can't remember the guy who fucked so much stuff up, then there was no guy who fucked everything up." 

"That's pretty cowardly."

"Plus it saves Akane and the Tendos from being connected to me because they will not know me." Evan said.

"Ok... so its not so cowardly... but its still pretty cheap." Josh said with a frown.

Evan looked serious. "Yeah... but like I said it is for the best." The kettle began to whistle. "Water is done."

Josh nodded and got the kettle, he poured it on the door handle again and pulled up a nearby chair. "This is like the first selfless act I have seen you commit... ever."

Evan nodded. "Don't go telling people... I have a reputation." 

Josh laughed. "Your secret is safe with me."

"That's what I was afraid of." Evan said , tossing another chunk of couch leg at the tube.

"Are you even watching the shows?" Josh asked after all the couch legs were by the TV as well as a small assortment of pens and beer bottle caps.

"Not really. Why?"

"Just asking."

"Okay."

*******************

The next day...

Josh frowned as he struggled through his school work during lunch. "Damn it! How is this supposed to be done?" He growled to himself as he looked through one of his medical texts for answers. He looked up to the other three people who were accompanying him at his table in the cafeteria. One of the girls was a girl that he had met in his med class and the other two were friends of hers who he had been introduced to through her. They were both in different fields of study though. He looked towards the brown haired girl from his class. "Hey...Otohime, what's the answer for number 7?" He asked her.

The girl in question smiled. "I don't know. I haven't memorized it... but the answer is on page 426." She replied. "Are you having trouble Hamahiro?"

Josh nodded twitching only slightly at his fake name.. "Yeah. I've been struggling the entire time. I was just starting to get a hang of things before they threw all this new stuff at us. I should just quite while I'm ahead."

The boy, Keitaro was his name, spoke his opinion quite verbally. "WHAT?" He inquired. "You'd give up on Tokyo University just cause you don't understand?" He asked. "Most people would kill to get into Tokyo U!"

Josh sighewd. "Yeah well Medicine wasn't exactly my chosen field fo expertise." He said.

"What was?" Asked the girl sitting next to Keitaro, Naru was her name. She had long orange hair and a very slender athletic form.

"Art." Josh stated with a smile.

"Wow! Really?" Keitaro asked. "That's what I'm taking."

Otohime smiled and put a hand on Josh's shoulder. "We could study together after school for a bit until you do understand." She started. "You have a lot of potential Hamahiro."

Josh smiled. "Thanks Otohime-san. Do you want to come over to my house after school today?" 

SPLAT!

Josh quickly lifted his school friend out of her rice and stir fry that she just fell asleep in. He then looked towards Naru with a quirky smile. "Do you really think it's safe to have a person with narcelepsy studying to become a surgeon?" 

Naru giggled. "She's awake when it's most important... I think she'll pull through. She's getting good marks as it is." 

Keitaro nodded. "That's true."

Josh proceeded to wipe of the brown haired girl's face of stir fry as she snored lightly due to her upright position. "Well I guess I'll stick with it. It couldn't hurt... Then at least I'd have a well paying job."

"So what are you planning on doing after school?" Naru asked the blue skinned mutant.

Josh shrugged. "I don't know... settle down, marry my fiancé, raise a family, save the world a couple of times." He said with a bit of a far off look.

"Save the world?" Keitaro asked.

Josh nodded. "Well yeah. I've had my share of crazy adventures. I'm also a martial artist... we tend to attract that kind of trouble from time to time." He explained for the small group. The bell chose that moment to ring and the group began to take up their stuff and head away from the cafeteria. 

"What should we do with Otohime?" Naru asked. 

Josh smiled and lifted her into his arms. "Don't worry I'll look after her. Both our classes are done for the day. Since we agreed to study a bit after school I'll just take her with me."

Naru nodded. "Okay. But don't think for a second that I won't check up on you two later!" She said with a frown that promised death should anything bad happen to Otohime.

Josh chuckled. "You have my word. She's safe with me." With that he teleported towards the apartment that he shared with Evan, Ranko, Chii, and Steve Dave.

TBC

*******************

Author's Notes: {Well there we have it... Ranma didn't actually give his lesson but he warned me of it. So... if I do bad and cheat on Ranko with Otohime(from Love Hina) then I gets beated up. So there you have it. SI's back on track and getting a little more characters but also some more plot with it. Soon the big story will be coming out. I promise We're getting good at avoiding "getting to the point" nowadays.}

Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com

http://mordennight.tripod.com

  
  



	40. The Journey BeginsAgainShut Up

Self Insertion

Chapter 40

The Journey Begins...Again...Shut Up.

(Everyone hates Roth and ackland)

Evan frowned as Josh appeared in a cloud of purple smoke smelling of brimstone. "Damn it!

Could make that teleporting thing at least NOT stink!?" He demanded of his blue friend as he

waved the smoke away. Evan then noticed the girl that Josh was holding. "Damn... already?

You're going through women faster than I go through beer."

Josh rolled his eyes. "Whatever dude. She's my study partner."

"Sex ed?" Evan asked.

Josh took the opportunity to smack him on the face with his fist. "No. I's for open heart surgery

and other complicated medical crap."

Evan looked confused. "Why's she asleep then? You slip her a ruffie?" He asked.

Josh shook his head and walked off leaving Evan with his.... thoughts...

........ Evan thought as he watched Josh walk off. .......

"Chii?" Chii said as she walked up behind Evan with an open beer.

Evan grabbed the beer and swilled it. After he finished he tossed the bottle to the floor and

frowned as it bounced off the carpet. "Damn carpet....hmm... it's been a while since I pulled a

caper of some sort."

"Chii."

"Shut up. Caper... capertastic... caperrific.... caper McCaperkins....... caper..... Ah what the hell

I'll pull a caper." Evan said as he walked to Josh's room. He cracked the door open slightly,

turned around and farted in the doorway. He closed the door quickly and laughed hysterically.

"Now for that 'new' guy." Evan took one step forward and stopped in mid step. "Where was he

again?"

All of a sudden Chii's eyes went all crazy looking and made computer noises. "Hideki is in room

105." Chii stated.

Evan blinked and then looked at the robot and blinked again. "You talked. You talked words." He

stated in surprise. "I thought you were, like, a one word wonder."

"Chii?" Chii inquired, looking dumb once again.

Evan frowned and stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Hmmm... OH!! I get it! You're one of those

learning robots that doesn't know shit until you're taught!" Evan then smiled. "I will be your

teacher. Young padawan."

With that Evan dragged the robot out of the apartment towards 105 for her training in the ways of

Evan.

"Steve Dave walks steady down the street, with his brim pulled way down low, only sound is the

sound of his feet, machine guns ready to go...." Steve Dave sang as he walked to the video store

to buy some video games with his cleverly stolen funds.

Steve Dave entered the video store or at least what he thought was a video store.

"How can I help you sir" the clerk asked in Japanese

"What!?!" The ignorant hero Steve Dave said.

"Is there anything you need?" He asked again in Japanese

"V-I-D-E-O G-A-M-E-S!" stated Steve Dave

"Me No Spek Englash" the clerk said in horrible English

"Can you get someone who does?" asked Steve Dave

The clerk thought for a second. "Manger Speks Englash" He stated.

After the clerk rang a bell on the counter the manager walked out from the back room. "Hows

can I helps you todays sirs?" asks the Manager

"Sirs? What the hell you talking about?" asked SD "There is only me in this tiny ass store, and I

want to know if you guys sell video games?"

"Yes' we do sirs, rights over heres" the manager said as he pointed to a wall the said 'Video

Games for Sale' in both English and Japanese.

"What the fuck is this shit?" asked SD "It is all in your stupid language, do you have nothing that

I can play and you know maybe UNDERSTAND??"

"What you talks about?" questioned the Manager "We's have the biggest selection in all Tokyo."

"Yea I can see that but the only problem is I don't speak retard, so therefore send me to a store

where I can by video games in English not retard, kapish?" Steve-Dave remarked

"Kapish!?! I no hungry sirs, buts I do have video games no for you, you make fun of my

entelligence, I great at englash spek."The manager said, starting to lose his temper.

"You know what I am outta this place, I cannot stand your crap, you are almost as dumb as that

roomie of mine" Steve Dave stated.

Steve Dave struted out of the store, bringing chuckles from the manager and store clerk. "What a

dumb man." The manager said to his employee in Japanese. The clerk just nodded.

Moments later.

SPLAT!

A cheese burger impacted with Steve Dave's body armor, spraying it's ketchupy insides onto the

masked man's..... mask.

"What the Hell is this crap!?!" shouted SD "a cheese burger with a hole in it, what kinda sicko

screws a cheese burger, where is the humanity, who does this kinda thing, hold on poor cheese

burger Steve Dave is on the case!"

Another all of a sudden a hobo walked out of an alleyway and staggered over to the armor clad

man.

"Did you do this to this poor poor cheese burger?" SD questioned

The hobo just shook his head and pulled out a picture of Evan. The hobo muttered something un-

intelligible and jabbed the photo five or six times with his gnarled finger.

"So this is the foul fiend who has sexually harassed this poor man, I mean cheese burger. Well we

cannot let someone as sick as this scum to live and defile such beautiful fast food works of art."

SD triumphantly shouted. (Why he was triumphant I'll never know.)

"Can I eat that now" The hobo asked

"Yea sure" SD said as he tossed the hobo the cheese burger "But you must get all your hobo

friends and we will destroy this evil hamburger humper, kapish?"

"Ok" said the random hobo in perfect English

Steve Dave ran off in to the sunset yelling out random English insults to the Japanese public. Our

tired but exuberantly glowing hero finally made his way back to the pad that he shared with his two new but some how familiar best friends. he walked in the door he heard moans coming from

Evan's room, he walked over the door cracked it open a little and the cry of "Oh shampoo"

escaped from the room and Evans lips

"First the fast food products and now he has moved on the hair care products, when will his evil

ever end?" shouted our hero to no one.

"Steve Dave is that you?" Evan asked between thrusts.

"Er... um... chii?" Steve Dave said doing his best impression of the stupid house hold robot.

"Hey chii, say some of the words I taught you today" said Evan.

"Ahh... umm... Women are for cooking, chii" Steve Dave said doing another bad impression of

Chii.

"Yea that is so true, anyway back to the sex" said Evan as he continued with Shampoo.

Steve Dave shook his head and walked over to the couch. He flicked on the tv and sat down.

"Today in news a gang of hobos has started to march all over downtown Tokyo and are

destroying all of the fast food restaurants" The worried announcer said frantically in Japanese.

"DAMMIT even the news comes in that retarded language, can I not escape the madness of this

world?" shouted Steve Dave

"Naw I've looked and looked but there is no way to escape so I just make the best of it and get as

much as I can" Josh said

Steve Dave coughed as the smell of brimstone filled the room.

"Yea well I guess we are stuck here, but I vow on something or another that I will find so way

outta here but also a way back in so I can come and corrupt some stupid people" Steve Dave said

pounding his fist on the couch arm.

Josh grimaced at the sound of splintering wood, and said. "That is exactly what Evan and I do"

"Well then I guess I will not try to find a way out but I just wish someone else in this whole stupid

county would talk to me. I have no beef with you Josh, you the funniest, but Evan Mc Cheese

Burger fucker is starting to get on my nerves." Steve Dave said.

"Yea he does that sometimes, you will get used to it. So did you find some video games to buy

with you freshly plundered money?" Josh asked, not really caring.

"No, they were all in that damn language which I refuse to learn, is there somewhere in this whole

damned shitty city that has an English store?" Steve Dave asked.

"Yeah, but you're ignorant." Josh said.

"Meh... I wanna call Evan Mc CBF." Steve Dave said with a grin.

Josh farted and let out a little purple stream of gas. The room instantly filled up with the scent of

brimstone.

"Wait doesn't that smell mean that you teleported?" asked Steve Dave.

"No. I've learned to make it into a fart and it stinks so bad and for so long I once knocked out my

bio class it was great!" Said Josh proudly

"Sweet, man you gotta teach me to do that." said Steve Dave

"Sorry man ninja secret." Said Josh

"Wait a minute..... your not the ninja, Evan is." Steve Dave said with general confusion

Josh shrugged and teleported away.

"Man I knew he wasn't a ninja, ninjas don't run from shit, ninjas are all like KIAAAAA" Steve

Dave shouted as he ran his hand through the coffee table. He frowned and scanned the area for

someone who would yell at him, He then grinned and took two steps towards the door slowly,

then two more. Then he threw caution to the wind and ran the hell out of the apartment before

someone shit kicked him.

Just then a very naked Evan walked out of his room and smiled as he lifted one leg and let off a

long stream of purple gas. "Man that fart trick Josh showed me kicks ass!" Evan stated as he

walked towards the couch Steve Dave was last seen sitting on.

Evan looked around. And then shrugged. "Could have sworn I heard Steve Dave breaking stuff."

Evan then went back into his room to have more sex with Shampoo who had already been

knocked out by the teleport fart.

Josh frowned as he looked at his unconscious friend. "You're a shitty study partner." He stated as

she caught some z's.

Josh then got an idea. He looked left to see if anyone was looking, then looked right... then while

he wasn't watching he slapped Otohime in the back of the head. "Huh?" She stated as she woke

up and looked around. "Where am I? Oh Josh san. Is school already over?"

Josh looked over to her as though he had no idea that she had awoken. "Oh Otohime-san. You're

awake. Yeah we're at my place studyin. You've been asleep for a bit."

"Oh my... sorry about that."

Josh smiled and waved it off. "Ah it's nothing. So... do you have the hots for that Keitaro kid?"

Josh asked.

Otohime nodded. "Yes. I've liked him for a while now. He's very cute."

"Nice." Josh stated, writing down a bit more in his book. "So you ever going to ask him out?" He

asked.

Otohime shook her head. "No he's in love with Naru. She loves him too."

"So?" Josh asked.

"It wouldn't be nice to steal away true love." Otohime protested.

"Ever hear the expression all's fair in love and war?" He asked.

Otohime shook her head. "No."

Josh then smiled. "Well check it out. I was in love with a girl who was in love with me. Then she

died... in a war. Then I was engaged to her sister, cheated on her with another girl that I ended up

falling in love with and now we're engaged instead."

"So you can only break up true love by killing one of them?" Otohime asked.

"Yes... I mean... wha? NO! It's just... take opportunities to satisfy your love and love will grow.

If the sex is good then all the better."

Otohime smiled and nodded. "Thanks Josh I'll do that." Otohime then looked at the time and then

frowned. "Oh I should go. I have an early class tomorrow." With that Otohime left the room and

thus the apartment.

As soon as she left an angel appeared. It was the same angel that told them before that they were

going to have to fix the time lines. "Well I go around heaven fixing things so we can send you

guys around to fix time lines and now you just fucked up another one."

"Thou shalt not swear. What the fuck you want Gabriel?"

"I'm not Gabriel My name's Dave. You and you're friends have a job to do and now I'm just

coming along to force you guys to do all of heaven's dirty work." The angel Dave said.

"Awww! We were going to infiltrate a government organization." Josh said.

"Yeah well tough." Dave said. "You screwed up all the timeline so you're going to have to fix

them."

"Fine whatever. How's Tuesday for you?" Josh asked as he went through his notes.

"What? Eh... YOU DON'T GET A CHOICE!!! You'll do what heaven tells you WHEN heaven

tells you. So you're going to fix that first universe NOW smart mouth." Dave shouted angrily.

Josh rolled his eyes and stood up. "Fine, fine. Don't get your panties in a bunch pussy." Josh then

walked out the door leaving the angel Dave to his thoughts.

If we didn't depend on these little shits to fix the universes I'd use the righteous wrath of god

and smite their asses straight to hell. He thought darkly.

Steve Dave walked down the street just outside of the apartment he shared with his friends .He

grinned as he noticed Akane Tendo. That's that Tempo person Kaner...... Akan..... no.... um..

Akane!! That's the one.

"Hello Akane" Steve Dave said in plain English.

Isn't that Evan's friend? Akane thought. "Do I know you?" Akane asked in Japanese. When

Steve Dave stared blankly forward Akane realized something. He's so ignorant he didn't even

learn the language. What kind of idiot goes to a country in which he cannot talk to anyone?

"Hello." Akane said in unsure but clean English. English class may actually be useful after all,

especially with ignorant foreigners.

Man even that retard at the video store had better English than her, ohh well I will remedy that

and maybe then some With that Steve Dave pulled out a book entitled 'English people can speak

Japanese in 42 easy days!!!' and started flipping.

Well at least he's making an effort. Akane thought smiling at Steve Dave politely.

"Umm... Wait air jew donut?" Steve Dave said in atrocious Japanese.

Akane's eyes widened as she attempted to hold in a gut busting laugh. "You have just made my

day." Akane said slowly in English.

Steve Dave's eyebrow raised underneath his mask. "Huh."

Akane put one hand on his armored shoulder and smiled up at him. "Don't mind."

"Don't mind? What the hell are you talking about!?!" Steve Dave screamed at the girl.

Akane took a step back at the disheveled costumed man. "Don't mind... never.... never mind I

mean. Sorry... my English is not so good."

Steve Dave nodded. "S'ok. At least you ain't speaking Japan speak."

Akane stifled another laugh. "Maybe you learn some Japanese when you is here?" She asked,

trying to continue the conversation politely.

"I ain't learning no stupid langage." Steve Dave said, slurring his words horribly.

Akane let out a giggle. He can't even speak his own language, let alone Japanese. "Well sir, I

must leave to go to Doctor's office." She said, and with a bow walked away.

Akane smiled as she walked into the doctor's office. "Hello Dr. Tofu. How's business?" She

asked.

Tofu smiled and looked up from the surgery he was doing on a collapsed aorta. The woman he

was working on started screaming as he scalpeled off her ear during his inattentiveness.

Akane cringed as blood started gushing out of the woman's ear hole like a high powered super

soaker. Thank god Kasumi's not here. She thought.

Tofu taped the ear back on and looked up at Akane again. "What can I do for you?" He asked as

he took off his gloves and walked towards the teenager.

"CAN YOU FINISH MY SURGERY FIRST!?!?" The woman screamed from the table.

"No."

The woman then passed out from blood loss.(shell shock!)

"Dr. Tofu, you really should finish that surgery." Akane said, worried for the woman's well being.

"Nonsense. Family first." Dr. Tofu said with a gleam in his eyes. "Sides. She was ten minutes

early for her appointment anyway. That's ten minutes I could have used to help you out."

Akane smiled and nodded as Tofu led her into another room. "SO! What seems to be the

problem?"

Akane glanced over to the now twitching and gurgling woman as she choked on her own blood.

"Well I seem to have missed my period it was supposed to come yesterday."

"Have you fucked anyone lately?" Tofu asked with an oblivious smile.

Akane's eyes widened in shock. "DR. TOFU!!"

"No it wasn't me... I'm sure I would have remembered a blatant act of pedophilia." He said as he

seemed to search his memory banks.

"No Dr. It's just... that... language!" Akane said blushing furiously.

"OH! You mean when I said fuck!" Tofu said. "I'm sorry I just thought that fucking is what the

homies were calling it these days."

Akane looked confused. "Homies? What's a homies?"

Dr.Tofu looked confused. "I'm not too sure myself. I was told that a homie is my dog.... or

something.... what what." He said making a 'raise the roof' gesture with his hands and splattering

bits of flesh and blood on Akane from the recent ear cutting.

"...riiiight." Akane said. She then looked up to Tofu with pleading eyes. "So do you know what's

wrong with me?" She asked.

Tofu nodded. "Yes actually. If yo boy's knocked you up then the hoes getting fat! WORD!" He

said as he crossed his arms and made west side symbols with his hands.

"Pardon me?"

"If you had sex then you're pregnant." He stated normally.

Akane gasped and just stood there spaced out and in shock. "Oh no!" She stated.

"Oh no!" Tofu seconded, just cause it felt right.

"OH NO!!!" Cried the dying patient as her ear fell off and her eye burst.

Just then Josh burst in through the wall with a pitcher of red kool aid. "OH YEAH!!!" He stated.

He then stopped as he noticed all the occupants of the room staring at him and took three

reluctant steps back out the wall hole. "I uhhh.... just wanted to tell you Tofu... I can't come to

our weekly ebonics lesson. I have to... save the multi verse. Bye!" Josh stated before teleporting

away.

"I feel so cold." cried the patient as she went white and oozed puss from her eye hole.

Evan frowned as he noticed the broken coffee table in front of the couch. "I knew Steve Dave

was breaking things." He said as he shook his head.

Just then he heard harps and some light emanated from the ceiling. Evan frowned and threw a

piece of coffee table at the roof. "KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE!!!" He yelled as he stretched out

on the couch.

The harps and light stopped and Evan nodded. At that point there was a knock on the door. Evan

shook his head and threw a piece of coffee table at the door. When there was no response Evan

smiled and reached around on the floor till he found another piece of coffee table. I'm ready you

sons of bitches. Interrupting my nap.

"All you do is nap Evan." A voice said.

Evan rolled over and found him self looking at a man in a dress with wings. "Ok..... you know

you look like a fairy don't you?"

"My name is Dave and I'm an angel."

"Am I going to have a son!? Will his name be JESUS!?!" Evan screamed sarcastically.

"Well... you are going to have a son..... but umm.... don't call him Jesus." the angel said looking

down on Evan.

"Hmm... what should I call our messiah?" Evan asked.

"He's not your messiah."

"Then what good are you! You can't even bring messiahs!!" Evan yelled throwing the piece of

coffee table.

The angel caught it and set it down on the floor. "Look. That was totally off topic."

"But we didn't have a topic in the first place.... so I just assumed...." Evan said sitting up straight.

"Yeah.. Well... not all angels bring the messiah."

"Feeling left out?" Evan said sympathetically.

The angel half hung his head. "Well... sort of.... HEY!! That wasn't what I need to talk to you

about!"

Evan grinned and moved over on the couch and patted the cushion next to him. "I've got all day."

The angel sat down and began to speak. "Ok. So you know how all the universes are sort of

screwed up because of what you and your friend did before God hit the big reset button."

"I'll bet he's glad he saved."

"Huh?" the angel asked raising one eyebrow.

"He saved right? I mean... I always save when I play important games, so when I hit the reset

button I don't lose too much." Evan said leaning back into the couch.

"Umm... off topic again. Anyways.. God needs you and your friend to fix the universes."

"So God didn't save and he wants me and Steve Dave to go fix universes?" Evan asked as he

tossed a piece of ice at the Tv and turned it on.

"What? No.. You and Josh need to fix them." The angel said.

Evan tossed another chunk of ice at the Tv and changed the channel. "But I don't even know

where ol' Vaginaneck is."

The angel slapped his forehead. "No, you and Josh, the guy you started this journey with, need

to go around fixing universes. JD has his own destiny."

"What's your name?" Evan asked.

"Dave... wait... why do you want to know my name?" Dave asked.

"Well.. You know my name... and I didn't know yours and it didn't seem fair." Evan said getting

off the couch.

"Where are you going?.... hey I had already told you my name!" Dave asked.

"Getting a beer... want one?... and I guess I forgot..." Evan said.

Dave shook his head. "I'm not allowed to drink."

"Too bad... baseballs on, and nothing makes baseball tolerable like alcohol." Evan said as he

grabbed a cold one out of the fridge and walked back over to where Dave was sitting. "So... you

like baseball Dave?"

"Not really. Not since that 'Angels in the Outfield' movie. After that baseball became a

blasphemy." Dave said averting his eyes from the TV.

Evan shrugged and flicked the station before he sat down. "Curling... you like curling Dave?"

"I guess... I mean... I haven't actually played any sports." Dave said sadly.

Evan sighed. "It must suck being holy."

"You wouldn't believe it." Dave said. "All the rules and regulations."

"Ever seen Dogma?" Evan asked with a grin.

"No it is considered blasphemous." Dave said looking sad.

"Oh it is.... ever seen a shit demon?" Evan asked.

"Why are we talking about this?" Dave asked.

"Wasting time." Evan said downing half his beer in one gulp.

Dave stared at the man in awe. "Not since the Norse have I seen someone do that."

"It's a skill... so where am I going?" Evan asked finishing the rest of his beer and setting the bottle

on the ground beside the couch.

"You'll be traveling to different universes, most of which are nothing more than fiction to some

universes. The first is a universe you might recall from your home world as Aliens versus

Predator" Dave said.

"Hmm... I like the Aliens versus Preds thing.... what's wrong with it." Evan asked.

"Well... There was a human who was supposed to help a wounded Predator defeat an Alien hive,

Machiko Noguchi. But, the girl was killed by an angry local in this time line, this makes it so the

humans have no hope for survival on the desert planet of Ryushi." Dave said, sounding sorry for

the humans.

"So I need to do what?" Evan asked.

"Help the predators by taking the girl's place and gain the trust of the broken tusked Yautja,

becoming one of the blooded. Then you have to live with the Yautja for a while until they kick

you out and hate you forever. Once you do this they'll write a new law for their race saying that

none but Yautja could be blooded. The way it should be." Dave said matter-of-factly.

"Deal." Evan said with a grin. "But I have some other things that I have to attend to today."

"Very well." The angel Dave said with a solemn nod before disappearing in a flash of radiant light.

Evan screamed in pain as he went temporarily blind.

Steve Dave smiled as his hobo army formed disorganized ranks, each clutching a bottle of hooch

in one hand and a random blunt weapon in the other, a few, the upper crust of hobo society held

blunt weapons with random spikeys in them. Steve Dave's hoard of uncleaned men and women

had done well. There was next to no resistance to their grungy rage. None except for a band of

children armed simply with .22s and Tech 9s. The youth had crushed any attacks they had

defended against killing the hobos to the man and taking minor scrapes and bruises which mommy

would kiss better. Steve Dave had been worried about the children's influence on the morale of

his troops, but found that due to a recent drop in the worth of yen his hoard had almost tripled,

each homeless person gladly throwing in their lot if only for something to stave away despair.

The children are no threat. Steve Dave thought gleefully. They only defend, never attack. And

sides, they are only children. With that Steve Dave and his general, a man he had come to know

as Toeless Tate, began their rallying speech, Steve Dave speaking English and Toeless Tate

translating it into crude Japanese for the army to understand.

"You, my homeless army stand for something mighty and neat!! Though you yourself are far from

neat that doesn't mean that you can't stand for neat things!! Like kicking Evan McCBF's ass!!!

One, Two, Three, GO HOBOS!!!" Steve Dave screamed, Toeless Tate keeping pace with his

commander's speech.

When Toeless Tate finished the translation, the hoard let out a singular, combined yell and ran out

into the streets of Japan.

At that same time in the headquarters of the Children Against Stinky Hobos, namely the park on

35th street, Another commander was giving her rallying cry.

"Them hobos smell funny. Let's shoot em." Little Sally Yanagi said holding her nose and making

the sign to ward off cooties with her free hand. The other fifteen children nodded, made the anti-

ootie sign and drew their various ballistic weapons.

Steve Dave and Toeless Tate ordered a stop for the hoard. "They're close sir." Tate said sniffing

the air and taking a swig of hooch.

Steve Dave nodded. "We are close to the last place they defended, Chubba Chunkies Instant

Soup'o'matic Concession stand."

"They will defend it again sir. Shall we set up our units?" Tate asked, handing his hooch to Steve

Dave.

Steve Dave swigged the bitter liquid and nodded. "HOBOS!!! LINE UP!!!!"

Tate grinned. "It's easy when you have one type of unit isn't it?"

Steve Dave nodded and handed Toeless Tate his hooch back. "Get me the captains from the Back

Alley Gang and the Stinky Flea Bitten division. I need to talk strategy with them."

Tate shrugged and went about getting the two hobos. He returned with them a few seconds later.

"Whacchu tolkin aboot Willus!?" The first one asked.

The second one just jittered alot.

Steve Dave grinned. "You three are my best men. Crakwhore Jack, take your division and head

down 34th then circle back down 35th. Stinky Pete, take the gang down the other side of 34th and

come down 35th. That way we have the toddlers surrounded."

The jittery one held up his hooch and pointed down 34th and a bunch of people followed him. The

other man started walking the other way and some other people followed him. Tate grinned.

"Good plan sir. You will have them pooping their panties and crying for their mommas in no

time."

Steve Dave grinned.

Sally Yanagi grimaced from behind the counter of Chubba Chunkies Instant Soup'o'matic

Concession stand. "We could use Evan here. He always had cool guns." She said as she looked

through the scope of her military grade sniper rifle.

Little Yakahizu nodded. "He said he get me a granade louncha nex time I sawed him."

Sally nodded. "He told us all we'd get good stuff next time we seen him. But you know what.

He's never told a lie about that. Ya know. I mean he got me this high powered rifle just like I

asked, an he got Shina her very own .44 magnum just like she asked. But he told us only to use

them against the hobo menace. An look out there. There's a whole stinky hoard of hobos! There

might even be all o' the hobos in the world out there. An ya know what!? We gotta kill em! Cause

Evan told us it was fun!!! AND HE WAS RIGHT!!!" Sally yelled, the other children quickly

joined in the yelling and one even went so far as to fire a few AK-47 shots into the air.

Sally then calmed the children down. "But we are outnumbered. So we need some strategy.

Yakahizu." Sally continued when the boy looked up at her from his Gameboy. "You and

Yoshimitsu will take point. Give me an estimate of the hobo numbers.... Shina, you and I will hold

the Concession stand and give Yakahizu and Yoshi coverfire. Sakura and Yuta, you two head

down 35th to the left, take out any hobos you see, don't spare any bullets. Hiroto and Moshi, Evan

gave you guys landmines right?" Sally smiled as Moshi pulled out a medium sized duffel bag.

"Plant em out where hobo feet will hit em."

Moshi and Hiroto nodded and went off, as did the other teams. "Taka, take the right side of 35th.

You can clear out the hobos by yourself right?"

Taka nodded and began dragging her fifty calibre machine gun down the right side of 35th. She

stopped and smiled. "Sally, can I take Todo with me? He's real good at fixing jams and feeding

my gun."

Sally nodded. "The rest of you will take the hobos head on. Yuka.... how many grenades you

got?"

Yuka pushed back a tuft of hair from her eyes and started counting on her fingers, then took off

her shoes and started counting on her toes. Then shrugged and smiled. "I ain't got enough fingers

or toes to count my 'nades."

Sally smiled. "Good... give some of them to the hobos.... but take the pins out first."

There was a long silence and then Yuka spoke up. "Can I throw them too?"

Sally rolled her eyes. "Yeah, that's what I mean! Duh!"

Yuka stuck out her tongue at her commanding officer and set about getting her grenades.

Steve Dave grimaced as the battle began well before he ordered his troops to advance. Down the

left and right sides of 35th street the sound of children playing with machine guns emanated.

"FULL ADVANCE!!" Steve Dave yelled. Tate shrugged and translated, only he and Steve Dave

hanging back.

Not a minute later the first rank of hobos was tossed into the air by an explosion. "Mines?" Steve

Dave questioned Tate as five more such explosions ravaged the street and hobos alike. Tate

shrugged again and downed some more hooch.

Then it was over. Machine gun fire peppered the ranks of hobos, and decimated their numbers.

Those who fled met merciless death, those who stayed got shot pretty good too. Steve Dave and

Toeless Tate shrugged and walked away. "So." Steve Dave started. "Why do they call you

Toeless Tate?"

"Cause I don't have any toes."

"Oh... I see."

Evan smiled as he stood outside the Tendo Dojo with his newfound fling Shampoo. "Okay

Shampoo." He said to her, looking her deeply in the eyes. "Remember the plan, you go in and use

the Shampoo on everyone in the dojo, make them forget about me completely. Okay?"

Shampoo nodded happily. "Is fine Airen. Shampoo is not wanting to share much any way." She

said before leaping over the wall to attack.

Evan smiled as he watched her go, making sure to get a good look up her skirt as she went. He

then turned around to see Josh there, having just teleported. "Hey man what's up?" Evan asked.

Josh shrugged. "I just have to thwart a plan by Otohime to steal that dude from the other chick

before I can go reality hoping again. Did the angel Dave talk to you yet?" he asked.

Evan nodded and pushed off the wall, starting to walk towards the apartment since his plans at

the dojo were already done. "Nice. I was just sending Shampoo to go and erase all the Tendos

memories of me. This way I can just settle down with one woman instead of two... sides... Akane

and Shampoo hate each other."

Josh nodded as he walked beside Evan down the streets of Nerima. "I guess that makes some

amount of sense. You're actually thinking of settling down?"

Evan nodded.

"Wow!" Josh stated, running a hand through his long blonde hair. "I never thought I'd see the

day."

"Me neither." Evan stated. He then looked curious. "So why are you here? You need me for

something?"

Josh nodded. "Yeah. I have to stop Otohime from sniping Keitaro."

"Sniping?" Evan asked surprised.

"Sniping." Josh confirmed with a nod. "She told me her plan when I called her on her cell. She

plans on sniping Keitaro with a tranquilizer dart, then putting together a fake kidnapping and then

rescuing him to win his heart." The blue mutant explained.

"That would work?" Evan asked.

"That's what Dave said." Josh said with a shrug. "The guy likes to be a damsel in distress."

"What a pussy!"

"You don't know the half of it. I looked up his psychological profile at the med school, and it

turns out he wears dresses and makes out with a mirror nightly." Josh said.

"That's twisted." Evan said with a sudden look of retched disgust.

"Yeah so I was hoping that I could get you and Shampoo over to the campus. You could put her

in an ice shell and then Shampoo could use that memory shampoo of hers to erase her memory of

my advise." Josh stated.

"Sound plan."

"I thought so." Josh agreed. "When we get to the campus You can freeze her and I'll teleport

Shampoo in."

Evan nodded. "You know where she'll be?" He asked.

Josh smiled. "She confides in me since it was my idea, she told me everything, right down to the

colour of panties she was wearing."

"Is that what the bruise is from?" Evan asked pointing to Josh's face.

Josh sighed. "Ranma was listening in on the other line."

Otohime smiled as she sat on the roof of the University's Library wearing all black, a leather

trench coat, and a ski mask looking through her rifles scope in search of Keitaro. "He should be

coming by any minute." She said as she kept the sight locked on the doors where he usually came

out of.

"Otohime." Came Josh's voice from behind her, followed by the smell of sulphur.

She didn't take her eyes from the rifle. "Hello Josh. What can I do for you?" She asked.

"Well..." Josh began. "You know that love advice I gave you?"

"Yes." She replied.

"Well it turned out to be wrong. I can't let you go through with this crazy plan." He finished.

"Evan?"

Evan who was standing beside him smiled and held out his hands; covering the girl, from the neck

down, in a block of ice. "There can we go now? I'm hungry."

"In a minute." Josh said before teleporting away by himself.

Evan then looked at the girl who was now looking at him out of the corner of her eye. "So... you

like being the man in a relationship?" He asked.

Otohime just looked confused.

"Yah ever fall asleep in the middle of doin it with that guy? I heard you fall asleep a lot." He

stated sitting beside her ice incased form. "You know he makes out with mirrors right?" He

asked.

The narcoleptic girl then fell asleep. Josh appeared a moment later with Shampoo who then went

to work with the special memory shampoo.

a few minutes later Josh, Evan, and Shampoo appeared in a flash of Brimstone inside the

apartment that they shared with Steve Dave, Ranma, and Chii, who were all currently sitting in

the living room with the angel Dave floating slightly in the middle of the room angelically.

"Quit showing off Gabriel." Josh said in annoyance as he walked past and sat on the couch with

Ranma, putting his blue arm around her.

Dave fumed as Josh stated the wrong name again. "For the last time Goddamn it it's DAVE not

GABRIEL!" He yelled at the elf like Josh.

Josh shrugged. "Whatever. Get on with it. Tell us where we have to go already."

Ranma looked confused. "Go? Where are you taking them?" She demanded of the angel angrily.

Dave frowned. "They have to go on a little journey across the multi verse to fix all the time lines

in heaven's name. It's their fault in the first place."

Josh smiled. "Yeah it's kind of a way to redeem ourselves for all the shit we pulled in the past."

He said with a smile to his fiance.

Dave grumbled to himself "Well I voted to send you to hell but noooo God has to be all

forgiving."

Evan stood up. "Hey. I thought I was dreaming the entire time so it's not my fault." he said trying

to make himself look innocent.

"WHAT'S EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT!?!?" Steve Dave screamed in English, not

understanding a single Japanese word sprung from the lips of his friends.

Josh sighed and switched to English for a moment for his friend. "Me and Evan have to go and fix

some universes. It's a long trip but there's guaranteed to be lots of cool explosions." He

explained.

Steve Dave smiled. "Can I come?"

Josh shrugged. "Sure I guess. That okay with you angel guy?" He asked the divine being.

Dave shrugged. "Whatever. Whoever's in this room has to go now just for having heard this

divine knowledge."

"Sweet." Steve Dave lamented, not really understanding what was just said.

"So," Josh started. "Where are we going first?" He asked.

"Well..." Dave started off. "God has decided that, to cover more ground. He'll split the six of you

up into three groups of two. This way we could do three universes at a time."

"Great!" Josh stated. "Me and Ranma, Evan and Shampoo, and Steve Dave and Chii. It works

out perfectly!"

Dave smiled and nodded. "Yes it does doesn't it?"

"So where are we going first?" Josh asked.

"Well your group will be going to a universe that sparked an anime on your world called Naruto."

Dave started.

Josh smiled. "Anime universe. No problem."

"Evan has been chosen to go to the aliens versus predator universe and Steve's group will be

attending to the X-men universe." The angel Dave continued.

"What'd he say?" Steve Dave asked.

Evan smiled. "He said you're going to the universe that was taken over by hell. So basically

you're going to hell."

"So I gotta fix it?" Steve Dave asked looking confused.

"No you dumb shit!" Josh said. Also in English. "Gabriel's sending you to the X-men universe."

"Shweet!"

Dave growled as Josh referred to him once again as Gabriel and raised his hand. "This universe

will be your home base. You'll get to rest here for a day before heading off to the next universes.

Now go to it."

With that a flash of light came from Dave's raised hand and the six people disappeared without a

trace.

Evan blinked as he appeared in the middle of a desert. "That fucktard. He didn't send me to AvP

he sent me into the fucking desert!! THERE ARE NO DESERTS IN AVP!!!!!" Evan blinked

again. "Wait..... yeah.... desert planet..... I was informed about this..... what a bitch."

"Chii?"

"HOLY CRAP!!!" Evan screamed like a little girl as Chii spoke behind him. "God dammit Chii.

How the hell did you get here?"

"Chii?"

"Well... I can see you'll be good company." Evan said as he scanned the horizon for some form of

a settlement.

"Chii." Chii stated as she cocked her head to the right and looked at Evan in amusement.

"Yeah... well... I think there is something over there..." Evan said pointing randomly at the

skyline. "So lets go."

Thirty minutes later.

"HOLY CRAP IT'S HOT OUT HERE!!!!" Evan yelled for the umpteenth time during his thirty

minute walk. "AND IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT!!!!" Evan yelled some more.

PLOP

Evan looked down and noticed he was stepping in a large pile of steaming shit. "I STEPPED IN

SHIT!!!!" He yelled. "THERE IS DESERT SHIT ON MY FOOT!!!!!"

"Chii."

"SHUT UP ROBOT BITCH!!!! I HAVE POO ON ME!!!!" Evan yelled spazzing out and

swinging his arms randomly as well as hopping on his clean foot and waving his pooed shoe

around in the air.

PLOP

Evan stopped instantly. Looked down and blink blinked. "There is poo.... on my OTHER

FUCKING SHOE!!!!!"

"Chii?"

Evan ran up to Chii, stopped in front of her and pointed in the direction they had been going.

"PIECE OF SHIT ROBOT!!! YOU LEAD!!!! YOU BE POOY BEFORE YOU KNOW IT!!!!!!"

Evan paused and snickered. "We'll see who says Chii then.... yes.... heh heh."

"Chii?" Chii said with her head cocked again.

"Find civilization." Evan said simply.

Chii's eyes blanked and there was a slight humming emanating from her. The humming stopped

almost as soon as it started and Chii's eyes returned to normal. She then started walking in the

opposite direction that Evan had led them.

"You bitch."

Thirty-one minutes later.

Evan and Chii stood on the outskirts of what seemed to be a small farming township. "These are

the people who created the poo.... I shall vanquish them!" Evan said starting use his ice powers.

He thrust his right hand forward, aimed at a nearby cow type creature. The ensuing 'blast' left a

small amount of frost on the creature's hide. "Hmm....." Evan said as he brought his hand up to

his face. "Not wanting to work are you? What's the matter?"

"Chii?"

"Oh shut up." Evan said, his voice full of spite. "Goddamn mutant powers not working.... I'll

show them!" With that he thrust his hand out again. Another small spurt of cold ensued. "PIECE

OF SHIT!!!!" Evan hung his head and started walking into town. He took two steps, and fell

over. "Wa.... Wa...." He moaned. As the dehydration finally set in.

Chii started walking away.

"YOU ROBOT BITCH!!! GET BACK HERE!!!" Evan yelled raspily. "Need wawa." He then

passed out.

Evan awoke a few hours later with a massive headache. He was in some sort of room with metal

walls and there was a doctor like person walking around with a clipboard. Evan sat up and

noticed he was on a cot... with one of those white hospital things on that leaves nothing to the

imagination. "WHAT THE FUCK!? SLUT SLUT COCK RAPIST!!! WHERE'S MY

CLOTHES!?!" He demanded.

The doctor girl turned around to look at the man who had screamed out. He was jumping around

and screaming with his wang out. He then stopped and sat down holding his head. "Ow! Why's

my head hurt so much?"

The doctor smiled and walked towards him flipping through the clipboard's contents. "Well it

seems you were... dragged in by an android by your feet. According to the person who led her

here she kept on diverging on her trail to hit rocks."

Evan sighed. "I taught her too well."

The doctor person lady thing then sat down on a stool next to him. "So... what were you and your

droid doing out in the desert all alone without any transportation? Did you come in with the

Lector?"

Evan looked up. "Huh? Oh uh... yeah. How long was I out?" He asked.

She looked at the clipboard again still smiling. "You've been out about five hours." She then

paused. "So how old are you? What's your name?"

Evan thought about that a bit. "My name's Evan... How old do you think I am?"

She smiled brightly. "You're 23. According to our tests."

"So why'd you bother asking?" Evan inquired.

"To see if you remember. You hit your head a lot." She then extended her hand in greetings. "My

name's doctor Miriam Revna."

Evan smiled. "Doctor mc doctor pants!" He said with glee. He then remembered his mission for a

moment and cleared his throat. "So... seen any weird things lately?" He asked. "Like some sort of

big alien things?" He stated getting straight to the point.

Dr. Revna looked surprised. "Yes actually. How do you know about...?" She questioned just as

Evan looked over at the predator known as Dachande, who was strapped to a table much like the

one he himself was on.

Evan smiled as he stood up and looked at the alien. "I'm an expert on alienology I've... uhhh

encountered these things before... They're hunters. They do stuff with hunting like things. With

trophies.... and knives... and other aliens..."

"So they're dangerous?" Revna asked.

Evan smiled. "Not as dangerous as MEEEEE!!!!" Evan then made a snowman with his nifty ice

powers. "Fear my awesome MIGHT!!!"

"Wow!" Revna stated. "You're able to conjure up moisture and freeze it at will! That's

incredible! I don't even see how it's even possible!"

"Fear the snowman!" Evan stated, ignoring the woman completely.

Moments later Evan walked out of the Medical center, feeling slightly better after discovering that

he could still use his powers. So technically... there should be a ship here that is going to get

infected with Aliens.... and I have to help the big Pred to kill them.... objective one: Find the

ship. He thought to himself.

"Chii?"

Evan spun around and came face to face with his partner on this journey. "OK.... Chii... locate a

ship.... I think it was called the Hannibal..." Evan said, stroking the stubble on his chin.

Chii nodded. Her eyes flashed for a second and she started making the same odd sounds as

before. A minute later the sounds stopped and Chii pointed in a direction that would lead them

closer to the heart of the complex.

Evan shrugged and the pair started walking.

The Lector loomed over the pair as they approached it. It was a large transport ship, built for

moving large cargo, in this case a medium sized herd of Rynth, the creatures that passed for cattle

on Ryushi. Evan shrugged and started walking towards the cargo ramp.

"HALT!!" Someone yelled behind the duo.

"Huh?" Evan said raising one eyebrow and turning to face a lightly armed man. "What?"

"You can't go in there!" The man said shouldering his odd looking rifle.

"Why?" Evan asked.

"Chii." said Chii.

The two humans stared at Chii for a second and then continued their conversation. "Because it

isn't safe."

"Oh... Ok then." Evan said.

The man nodded and turned around to go back to his post. Evan started towards the ship. The

man turned around again. "HEY!!! I thought I told you that you couldn't go in there!!" He yelled

at the twenty-three year old mutant.

Evan turned again. "You again? Look... I just need to check on my buddies in the ship. They told

me I could go in." Evan lied.

The man shook his head. "Conover hasn't been heard from in a good long time, and he pilots that

ship with one other guy. That guy hasn't shown up anywhere either... I don't know why you want

to go in there anyway. That place gives me the creeps."

"What's your name?"

"Huh... umm. Mason." Mason responded.

"Ok Mason. I don't care how dangerous or how creepy it is in there. I'm going to find my

buddies, I was told that they decided to go back to the ship, and I was supposed to check in with

them today before we left." Evan said.

"Nothing is leaving here. There are some strange aliens that are killing people, and nobody is

going to leave until we've dealt with them." Mason said, bringing his rifle to bear.

"Fine... I won't leave, but I want to go into the ship, just to check it out." Evan said with a shrug.

Mason looked the man over. "Alright, but you are going to need a weapon to go in there."

Evan shook his head. "Nope.. I'll be fine."

Mason stared at the man. "No... I'm going to give you my sidearm, just in case."

Evan shrugged. "Ok."

With that Mason undid the holster to a medium sized revolver and handed the weapon to Evan.

The mutant looked the weapon over and took it out of the holster. He tossed the holster to the

ground and tucked the gun in the back of his pants. Mason gave him a weird look and then jogged

back to his post. Evan pointed to the ship's entrance. "Chii, go in."

Chii complied, and as she got to the doorway a pair of black, clawed hands reached down and dug

themselves into her shoulders and yanked her upwards and out of view. "CHII!!!"

Evan rushed forward but was stopped five feet from the entrance by a large black creature that

lunged out of the ship's dark entryway. The mutant rolled backwards and caught the creature in

the gut with his feet, he finished his roll and kicked the creature off the ramp and onto the dusty

ground. He drew the gun that Mason had given him and fired twice at the Alien. Both shots

connected, but the bullets were not able to penetrate the tough carapace of the extraterrestrial

killer. Evan shrugged and quickly froze the gun and tossed it at the creature, who dodged the gun

quickly and lunged again. Evan drew as much moisture as he could from the dry air and swung at

the bug-like creature. He connected nicely on the top of it's head and released all the moisture as

a quick blast of frigid power. Within a second the alien was completely encased in an inch thick

layer of ice. Evan grabbed a piece of rubble nearby and tossed it at the alien-sicle which shattered

into tiny black pieces, but still sent it's payload of acidic blood gushing onto the cargo ramp. Evan

smiled as the corrosive blood ate through the plasticrete ramp. He then ducked to avoid another

lunging alien. He quickly scanned the area for something to use as a weapon. Finding nothing he

speedily formed two shurikens of ice and hurled them at the new alien, impacting both with it's

elongated skull. The creature screamed, but the damage done proved to be lethal and it joined it's

companion to bleed on the deteriorated ramp.

"I can't keep doing this. There isn't enough moisture in the air." Evan thought out loud as he

spun around to spot three more aliens rushing towards him.

He turned again and ran down as much of the ramp as possible, leaping over the corpses and

blood splatters of his previous kills. He looked back and noticed that the aliens were not following

him, but instead took up the places of their fallen companion guarding the entryway.

Evan just shrugged and sprinted to the medical center.

Doctor Revna trembled furiously as one of the warrior aliens held his heavy spear above her prone

form. The warrior clattered something ominous and brought the weapon down. At that point the

wounded warrior on the table swung out one arm he had managed to free and knock the weapon

slightly aside so that it only injured the doctor, saving her from a fatal blow. Dachande screamed

in rage at the un-Blooded Yautja and worked at freeing himself from the medical table, ripping the

straps away with ease. This was not fast enough as the other Predator brought his spear around

and swung at Dachande in a wide arc.

Dachande was able to avoid the blade by moving in closer to the weapon and taking the staff

section to the midriff, making his internal injuries that much worse. Dachande was down to his left

leg strap by this point.

"HOLD UP!!!" A human voice yelled, getting the attention of Doctor Revna, and a glace from the

two combatants. "FREEZE BITCH!!!" Evan yelled as he pointed at Tichinde (The other Predator

:o) and forced a jettison of frost to fly at the large warrior.

Tichinde struggled against the ice, but found it to be a losing battle, he took one final, wild, swing

at Dachande which the older Predator easily blocked, and then he became a statue of frost.

"FUCK YEAH!!! I RULE!!!" Evan yelled, punching his fist in the air and doing a variation of the

pony dance.

Revna stared at the man for a good minute before turning her attention back to her patient. "Are

you OK?" She asked the monstrous warrior.

Dachande cocked his head to one side and clattered something in his own language.

Evan stopped his pony dancing and took up a position beside the doctor. "I don't think he

understands all that well.... like he speaks a different language or something."

Revna shot Evan a dirty look and kept trying to speak with the Predator. "Are you all right? Did

that other one hurt you?"

Evan rolled his eyebrows and started to do minor hand signals to Dachande. The Predator cocked

his head to the other side and walked up to Evan to regard him better.

"What are you doing?" Dachande asked, watching as the slightly larger ooman made gestures

with his fingers indicating large mandibles or teeth. He turned and looked at the smaller ooman

for some kind of signal as to what the behavior was, but that one just kept trying to communicate

in it's strange language.

"AND THEY HAVE BIG... POINTY... TEETH!!!" Evan said bringing his hands around his

mouth and wiggling his fingers around and making chomping movements. "Anywho lets go kill

some aliens!" Evan said with a grin.

The big Predator stared blankly.

Evan walked out the door and motioned for Dachande to follow him. "Come on bitch!!! WE

GOTS KILLEN TO DO!!!"

Dachande kept staring but noticed that the ooman wanted him to come with him. OH well, I'm

in it this deep. Plus, he doesn't seem to be attacking me.

Evan stopped in front of the Lector with Dachande following a good distance away. "Time to get

me robot, argh argh argh." Evan said doing a pirate dance. (E-mail me and I'll explain....) He then

entered the ship.

Dachande stared at the ooman. "That is one of the strangest creatures I have ever seen. When this

is over there will be many tales to be told." He muttered to himself before he entered the ship as

well.

The ship's lights had been either broken or covered with alien creep, the back up lighting was

working hard at casting poor red light into the vessel. Evan scanned the immediate area and found

no aliens but he could hear them perfectly. The screeching and skittering was everywhere. The ice

powered mutant shuddered against his will and started looking for a weapon. He settled on a

piece of piping and then started looking for Chii.

Dachande readied his burner and followed him.

An hour and over 100 alien corpses (most of which Dachande killed) later. "CHII!!! How's it

going!!?!" Evan called out to the robot who was currently plastered to a wall deep in the ship.

"Chii?" Chii said and started working on getting herself free. Evan and Dachande began to help

and she was out in two minutes flat.

"Weeellpp..." Evan said while pulling up his tattered jeans up slightly. "Time to hit the old dusty

trail. Have fun with Queeny McQueeny pants."

Dachande cocked his head to the right and looked on as Evan and the robot started to leave. He

raised his burner at the pair. "WHERE ARE YOU GOING!!?!!" He bellowed.

"Huh?" Evan said as he turned around. "Oh... you probably want me to help or something." Evan

thought for a second hmmm.... pie..... "Sure I'll help you."

Dachande wasn't sure what the ooman just said but it wasn't an offensive gesture and he wasn't

leaving so he assumed that the ooman was going to help him and for some reason could

understand. With that the began their quest for the queen.

As fo me... I helped write this.... YAY!!!

Morden Night: 

(Well... I'm going to end it here because it's already 27 pages. I'll write more later, like

tomorrow... or something..... anywho... it's coming around.. I hope people like it... anywho.. I'm

going to 


	41. Prevention

Self Insertion

Chapter 41

Prevention

Josh smiled as he appeared in a brilliant flash of light and smoke with his partner in the new

universe hopping adventure that he was now embarking on. "Alright!" He started. "Now we just

got to find out who we're supposed to kill." He stated as he rubbed his hands together. He then

blinked and looked down at his hands... he blinked again and squinted. "HEY!! WHAT THE

HELL HAPPENED TO MY COOL THREE DIGIT HANDS!!! AND WHERE'S MY BLUE

SKIN!?!?" He screamed. He then checked his ears and backside to find that he once again had

normal human ears and no tail. "Ranma...!" He stated as he turned around to his partner. He then

stopped and took a good look at the person standing in front of him.

"What stupid boy looking at? Where Airen!?" Shampoo growled at Josh.

Needless to say the boy's temper hit it's peak. Josh threw his hands to the heavens and screamed

for all that he was worth. "DAMN YOU GABRIEL!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!"

Just then the angel Dave appeared in a similar flash of vibrant light and smoke. "Well it's good to

see you haven't lost your spirit. Now allow me to fill you in on your mission." He said pulling out

two pamphlets and handing them out to both Josh and Shampoo.

Josh snarled and tore up the pamphlet as he lunged at the servant of god. "DIE!!!!!" He screamed

in absolute blood lust. Unfortunately though he went right through the angel and landed on the

opposite side of him.

"Yes I thought you might do something along those lines." Dave started, as he looked through a

little fanny pack that he had on him. "So I made sure I had extra pamphlets." He said pulling out

another.

Josh frowned and snatched one of the pamphlets out of the angel Dave's hand, not stupid enough

to try the same thing twice. Knowing full well that the angel would just go intangible again, Josh

decided to behave. "Why am I paired up with Shampoo?" He asked the angel Dave.

"Cause I don't like you." Dave said.

Josh's ears began to steam at Dave's short explanation, as Shampoo walked over beside him. Josh

then paused as he noticed something else about Shampoo. She looked completely different. Her

hair was shorter, she seemed a little stumpier, and her boobs were gone. He then looked down at

his hands and realized that they were indeed smaller than he was used to... and Dave was about

three heads taller than both him and Shampoo. "WHY THE HELL ARE WE THE SIZE OF

EIGHT YEAR OLDS!?!?" He demanded of the holy figure.

"Well..." Dave started, gearing up for a lengthy explanation. "I sucked up to god a lot and he

decided to make me the main overseer of the universal repairs."

"Oh fuck!" Josh stated. "If I didn't have living proof standing in front of me I'd swear there was

no god."

Dave just smiled and continued. "Well as you know the two of you are in the Naruto universe."

He said.

"What Naruto?" Shampoo asked.

"I'll get to that you dumb shit." Dave said.

"Hey now! Screw you man!" Josh started. "You can't just... mppph!" Just then Josh was muffled

by duct tape that appeared out of nowhere.

"Shut up little man. I'm the boss now." The angel Dave said with an evil smile. "I'll call you idiots

whatever I want to. Now where was I? Ah yes... Naruto. In this universe the problem is that one

of the main players in this universe's development dies, you two are supposed to prevent this from

happening."

"So who is it that dies?" Josh asked, his arms crossed.

"A man named Kakashi." Dave stated with a smile.

Josh looked flabbergasted. "We're supposed to save Kakashi's life!? Neither of us are even near

his level of skill how would we be able to EVER protect him from someone with enough power

to kill HIM!?!" He demanded.

Dave shrugged.

"When stupid man supposed to die?" Shampoo inquired, keeping a much more level head about

the situation than Josh was.

"In about five years." Dave responded in a rather monotone voice.

Josh just blinked at that revelation. "Five years? Five years!?" Josh then exploded. "YOU

EXPECT US TO STAY IN THIS GOD DAMNED PLACE FOR FIVE GOD DAMNED

YEARS!!! WHY THE HELL SHOULD WE DO THAT YOU GOD DAMNED ANGEL

HIPPY!!!" He screamed as he threw chi balls of pure anger at Dave, which only went through

him and obliterated random trees.

Shampoo rolled her eyes. "Men is so stupid."

Josh growled as he stood in place, refraining from attacking the evil angel, and just glaring at him

through red angry eyes fueled by his hateful chi. "Why the hell do we have to stay here for five

years?" He asked.

Dave rolled his eyes. "God you're whipped." He stated, rationalizing that being away from Ranma

and the sex that she provides Josh with was the reason for his bad mood. "Look. Neither of you

are strong enough to defeat the new and improved Zabuza right now..."

"Is cause stupid bird man trap Shampoo in baby's body." Shampoo stated angrily.

"I'M NOT A BIRD GOD DAMN IT!!" Dave shouted in his defense. He then calmed down and

continued his explanation. "Neither of you are strong enough to defeat Zabuza right now, BUT

you are more powerful than any of the other 9 year old ninjas in the leaf clan village nearby. Your

current skill will allow you to get taught by the strongest of the fighters in the leaf village which

will propel your martial arts abilities to a point where you should be stronger than Kakashi and

Zabuza by the age of fourteen. Then together you will be able to defeat Zabuza and save

Kakashi."

Josh sighed and sat down. "Fine! I'll do it. But I'm only doing this because I can't pass up a

chance to learn more advanced martial arts."

"Maybe Shampoo learn be more strong than great grandmother?" The purple haired amazon

asked.

Dave chuckled. "Heh heh. You'll be able to surpass Cologne by at least a hundred years."

Shampoo smiled wide at the prospects. "AIYAH! Then when Shampoo bring husband back to

village Shampoo be matriarch!" She said with glee.

Dave shrugged."Yeah well good luck with that." With that Dave disappeared in a flash of vibrant

light and smoke.

"Hey WAIT!" Josh called out. "HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FIND THE

VILLAGE!?!?"

Dave's voice then came out of nowhere. "Look for the light! Look for the liiiiiiiiight!!!"

Josh growled. "NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING AN ASS HOLE!"

"Serves you riiiiiiiight! Serves you riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! You little bastaaaaaaard!!" Came the angelic

voice from beyond.

Josh then sighed as he knew he'd never get a straight answer now. Shampoo looked off into the

distance and turned to Josh. "Is getting late. We should be making sleeping now."

Josh rolled his eyes. "Oh shut the fuck up and help me find some firewood so we don't freeze to

death... you dumb Chinese slut." Josh said, muffling the last part under his breath.

Josh sighed as he tried teleporting once again in the moonlight of the clearing that they had set up

their temporary makeshift camp. Using all of his focus, yet getting no results. "Damn it!" He

cursed again in irritation. "I can't believe he stripped me of my powers too!"

"You is complaining too much." Shampoo called from her place by the fire. "We is having to be

looking for Kakashi in morning. Get sleeping and stop with bitching." Shampoo then lay down her

head on her crumpled up shirt, which she used as a pillow and attempted to get some sleep.

Josh sighed and hung his head in disappointment. "Yeah I guess you're right." He muttered.

"Of course Shampoo right!" Shampoo stated without moving. "Womans is always right."

Josh just shook his head and took off his shirt, setting it down on the opposite side of the fire as

his own makeshift pillow. He paused however in his movements and froze as he heard something

in the forested area nearby. "Shampoo." Josh started, continuing his movements as not to seem

aware of their intruders presence.

Shampoo didn't move. She just responded. "Shampoo hear."

"Don't make a move until they do. We don't yet know if they're friend or foe." Josh stated lying

down on the crumpled up shirt.

As soon as the boy was on the ground the shadows of the forest seemed to leap out at them. Josh

and Shampoo were both on their feet in moments, only slightly put off by their newfound smaller

frames. There were three figures in total. All wearing dark clothing. Josh quickly went into the

defensive, trying to leave as little openings for his opponents to take advantage of. He was able to

block easily, being that there was only one person, who seemed surprised that Josh had any skill

at all. Josh took advantage of his opponent's surprise and lashed out grabbing a hold of the adult

sized figure so he could get a good look.

Josh stopped in his attack and then realized that he was holding a large firm breast in his tiny

hand. "Hey you're a girl." Josh stated as he unconsciously fondled the voluptuous mound.

"ARGH!! YOU LITTLE PERVERTED TWERP!!!"

"Oops."

SMACK!!!!

One blow was all it took from the high ranking ninja to put the younger boy into unconsciousness.

He landed right by the fire that he was formerly sleeping beside.

The female fighter turned towards Shampoo who was already out of it and slung over a larger

male ninja's shoulder. "You got caught?" Asked the ninja carrying the girl.

"I was unaware that they had any skill. Their garb suggested they are mere civilians, not ninja."

She responded. "How was the girl?"

The other ninja, who was now picking up the downed Josh, turned to answer. "She fights in a

strange style. She surprised us as well, but we outnumbered her. She has little skill."

"Not for her age." Suggested the other male holding Shampoo. "They surpass all of the students

in the village their age. Even the older Uchiha boy."

"Should we bring them back to the village?"

The smaller male ninja nodded as he began ahead of the other two back towards the forest. "For

interrogation purposes yes. They bear no clan marks and possess immense skill for their age. I

fear it may not be a coincidence that they got as close to the village as they did without

detection."

The other two ninjas nodded and leapt to follow their colleague back to the village of the hidden

leaf clan.

Josh awoke with pain... as did Shampoo. "Fuck." He muttered under his breath before sitting up

and taking a look around at his unfamiliar surroundings. He seemed to be in a room, any defining

characteristics of the room were lost on him, mostly because he didn't care. "Where are we?" He

asked out loud in general curiosity.

"You are in my home." Came a relatively old voice from behind him.

Josh turned around and noticed an old guy with a big hat. "Wow." He said as he saw the man.

"You must be important around here... that's a big hat."

The old man nodded and pulled out a large pipe, he lit up and began smoking the shit out of that

sucker. "Yes. My hat does indeed reflect my importance... now I have some questions for you

young man." He said.

"Okay." Josh said sitting there.

"Who stupid man?" Shampoo demanded.

"The Hokage of this village." Josh replied. "He's really powerful so just sit and listen to him. I

trust Evan's dumbness didn't rub off on you."

Shampoo sniffed indignantly. "No man stronger than amazon."

Josh shrugged. "Yeah well just sit there and shut up."

The old man put some more herb in his pipe and lit up again. "You seem to know much about me

young one. Yet I know nothing of you. Who are you?"

Josh shrugged. "I'm Josh. Can you teach me more martial arts?"

The old man chuckled. "That remains to be seen. I cannot teach you my clans style. At least not

just yet. You were only just discovered. For all we know you could be a spy or an assassin."

"I'm not. Is my word good enough for you?"

"No."

"Fuck."

"What is your friend's name?" The Hokage asked, looking the young girl over with careful eyes.

"She's..." Josh started before being cut off.

"I is Shampoo!" She stated proudly, "Shampoo is greatest warrior of village. Is most beautiful

too. Is no man what can beat Shampoo." she then crossed her arms and glared at the old man as if

in challenge.

So... she's an idiot. The Hokage thought to himself. The boy seems to be cocky, but he seems

to have potential. I will keep them here and observe them. He decided. "You may stay." He told

the two young people. "And I will observe you the entire time you are here. Any wrong move you

make and I will not hesitate to put you both back where I found you. Do good, and I may allow

you two to train with my clan..."

Josh smiled. "Thank you Hokage." He then bowed to the man and forced Shampoo(who

REALLY didn't want to) to do the same by smashing her head into the floor.

The old man stood up and packed his pipe with some more herb. "I will send you to live with one

of my ninja... they will have no trouble keeping an eye on you."

"Sure. Bring it on." Josh said. Sweet! Free room and board. he thought to himself. This gig

keeps getting better and better.

"Iruka?" Josh said looking at the ninja who was sitting on the front porch of the small house. That

Josh and Shampoo now stood before.

Iruka looked up at Josh and the high ranking ninja escorting him. Having heard Josh just then.

"Hmm? Do I know you young ones?" He asked, sitting up slightly and resting his arms on his

knees.

Josh suddenly realized his mistake of saying the man's name out loud. "Oh uhhhh...."

The ninja beside him spoke out, interrupting the boy. The Hokage has demanded that these two

youths stay with you Iruka-san. They are not to be taught any of our clans styles or secrets during

the stay, as they are outsider."

Iruka's eyes bulged at that news. "WHAAAT!?!?" You expect me to just all of a sudden take in

two unknown brats!?!?"

"Yes." Replied the ninja, who then disappeared in a poof of smoke.

"DAMN IT!" Iruka shouted as he jumped up and stomped his foot on the porch cracking it. He

then looked up at the two kids who looked no older than 9 or so. "I can't believe he's just going

to dump these brats on me." He noted to himself. He looked at the kids who were just standing

there looking at him and then sighed. "You kids got names?" He asked out loud to them.

Josh nodded. "Yeah."

Shampoo nodded as well. "I is Shampoo." She said simply.

"And I'm Josh." Josh stated just as simply as his partner in universal repair.

Iruka frowned and once again began talking under his breath just out of the kids hearing range.

"Great... a hair care product and a westerner..." he then looked up to notice that they were still

standing there just looking at him. "Are you guys gonna come in?" He asked.

Josh nodded. "Do you have dinner ready? I'm hungry." He said as he jumped into a run and then

waltzed into the house without warning.

Shampoo followed. "I is going to use washroom for while. If I no come out in 3 hour then keep

you waiting."

Iruka growled. "Hokage and I need to talk."

Later, once it had turned dark and Shampoo had come out of the bathroom, Josh smiled as he sat

across from Iruka at a small table beside Shampoo. Who looked annoyed as usual. "So.... What

do you want to talk about?" Josh asked the ninja teacher.

Iruka looked annoyed as he drummed his fingers on the table. "Well... for starters. Where do you

two come from. You're both obviously not from around here." He asked.

Josh looked thoughtful. "Well I'm from Canada.... and Shampoo's from China.... we both don't

like each other, but we have to learn as much martial arts as possible so that we can save the

world."

"Shampoo want sex up Evan." The purple haired girl stated simply.

Iruka looked confused as he took the children in.... they were only 9 years old... and the boy had a

very high vocabulary... the girl talked about having sex a lot.... and Iruka was one confused mess

of a person who had just unwillingly adopted two children that he could barely afford to take care

of. There wasn't a lot of money in the Ninja business. "Why are you here?" He asked. "And how

come you both don't act your age?"

Shampoo frowned. "Shampoo no want to act age! Shampoo here to beat up boys!"

Iruka rolled his eyes and pointed his attention to Josh. "Why don't YOU act your age?" He asked

annoyed.

Josh shrugged. "I'm really mature? I guess. Can you get that guy with the hat to allow us training

in your clan's style? Please?" He asked pleadingly.

Iruka looked confused. "Do you know any martial arts as it is? You're both a little young."

Josh stood up and attacked Iruka... since the man was sitting down and unprepared Josh got a

few hard hits in and gave the man a good run for his money. However once Iruka got to his feet

he quickly put Josh in his place, pinning him on the ground. Josh's size and lack of practice in his

new frame forced upon the boy a disadvantage however and Iruka knew it.

"You're surprisingly good for your age." The teacher stated.

Josh nodded. "Thank you. Can you teach us now?"

Iruka shook his head. "No. I must first talk to the Hokage. I must find out all I know. I do not

know you two... and those decisions must be made through him."

"GO NOW!" Josh demanded! "WE HAVE NO TIME TO WASTE!"

Iruka let Josh up and he stood glaring at the Ninja. Iruka just put a hand on the boys shoulder.

"I'm going to see him in the morning. In the mean time you two go to sleep. You can get some

blankets from the closet and sleep here in the living room."

Josh smiled. "Good. Make sure you get money from him too."

Iruka looked confused. "Huh? Why?"

Iruka's eyes bugged out of his head and his tooth brush dropped to the floor from his agape

mouth as he stared at his kitchen from the doorway. "My.... food..." He said in shock as he stared

at all the empty cupboards. All the food was gone. "YOU LITTLE BRATS ATE ALL MY

FOOD!!"

Josh sighed as he lay on the floor content. "Yup. It was pretty good too. Shampoo's a great cook

if nothing else." Shampoo smacked Josh in the face.

"YOU IS STUPID ASS HEAD!" She screamed.

Josh just rubbed his head and gave her the finger. "Well you're a dirty whore."

"Is NOT!"

Josh shrugged "Whatever."

Just then Iruka ran towards Josh and grabbed him by his neck. "WHY DID YOU EAT IT

ALL!?!?" He screamed in anger.

Josh struggled to breath. "BAaaaghaork hAAK akbbuuk... fkkkkkk..yuuuuuUuuUU."

Iruka let go of the boy and breathed deeply.

Josh rubbed his neck. "Well me and Shampoo were up all night practicing martial arts. We burn a

lot of calories so we needed food when we were all done."

"You didn't have to eat all of it!" Iruka said, calmer now.

Josh shrugged. "When you fight for that long without food? Yeah... You do." Josh smiled. "And

we're going to be doing this every night too. We're not going to be sleeping for a good couple of

months. We're training our bodies to stay awake for months at a time while needing minimal sleep

to run on."

Iruka sighed and went back to the bathroom to finish up. When he came back out a few minutes

later he was fully dressed and ready to leave. "I'm going to see the Hokage now. You can do

whatever you want but don't break anything. Bye."

As soon as Iruka was gone Jos nodded to Shampoo and the two of them left the house out the

back entrance so as not to be seen by Iruka on his way out.

Hokage frowned as he thought deeply. Should I get the super massage or the kung pow shang

Massage?

"Sir have you decided yet?" Asked his professional masseur.

Hokage continued to think about his important decision. Just then Iruka burst through the doors.

"SIR!" He screamed.

Hokage looked up from his Menu and raised a single eyebrow. "Iruka? What is so urgent?"

Iruka bowed before the Hokage and then stood again. "Sir! They're monsters! I can't control

them! They ate all my months supply of food in one night! They don't sleep by choice! They do

nothing but ask me to teach them our style."

"This is odd." Hokage noted. "They seemed very mature for their ages when I met them. But then

again. I wear diapers, so what's maturity."

Iruka looked disgusted for a moment but quickly composed himself. "What should I do?" He

asked the leader of the Leaf clan.

"Train them." Hokage said.

"But... they're outsiders!"

"TRAIN THEM!" Hokage demanded. "It seems to me that, that is all these children want. So I

say we give it to them. After all they are only children. As for the food thing.... Get them jobs and

force them to provide for themselves. Tell them to consider it another form of training."

Iruka nodded. "And you think this will help them? They are already very strong in the martial arts

for their age."

Hokage nodded. "Yes I believe that it is their purpose. They have no evil intent. From here on

they will be official Leaf clan."

Iruka bowed again. "As you'll have it Hokage." Iruka then got up and left.

Hokage looked thoughtful and then his eyes widened in realization. He pulled a chord nearby and

a loud gong sounded. "CHANGE ME!!"

Evan and Dachande faced off against the massive alien queen. "Dachande?" Evan asked in a half

whisper.

Dachande looked at his compatriot. What does the uuman want now? Dachande thought to

himself as he turned back to the queen who appeared to be sizing the pair.

"I'ma leave you two alone. I fear I'd be useless in this fight... my powers of ice manipulation are

nill because of the lack of moisture in the area." Evan said as he began to back away from the

hissing queen.

Dachande turned to Evan. "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOIN SOFTY!?!" He hollered at

the retreating human.

At that moment the queen struck, her tail ripping through the predator's exposed back and

protruding through his abdomen leaving the impaled warrior to bleed out his glowy blood all over

the floor.

Evan ran like a bitch.

As he got outside of the ship a heavenly light appeared in front of him.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Dave said as he stepped dramatically from the light.

"Running the fuck away! What does it look like?" Evan replied.

"Get back in there and kick that alien's ass!!" Dave demanded pointing at the ship and wearing an

exasperated expression.

Evan weighed his options, scratching his chin as if actually pondering his response. "Umm..... no.

bye Dave." He said as he walked away.

"Oh fuck you buddy... FUCK YOU!!!" Dave screamed at the fleeing Evan. "God's going to have

a hayday with this one."

Josh smiled as he entered his new home at Iruka's house. He wiped the sweat off his brow and

nodded to Shampoo. "Not too shabby Shampoo. You're getting pretty good."

Shampoo sniffed in disdain. "Shampoo just glad you no defeat her before Evan. You is pussy

wimp."

Josh snickered. "You know if you could speak Japanese worth a shit I might consider that

insulting. As it is, you just sound retarded." He then sat down on a couch and stretched back.

"Well that ninja fucker we hooked up with is quite the bad ass himself. What was his name

again?"

Shampoo sat down and stated sharpening her newly gotten sword. "Uchiha something. He dumb

pervert." She snorted.

"Pervert?" Josh asked. "He seemed pretty straight edged to me. Either way I'm just glad he

decided to teach us some Leaf moves despite our outsiderness. We need to learn it somehow."

"Shampoo getting horny. Need Evan to sex up." Shampoo stated.

Josh looked at her with disgust. "Will you shut the fuck up about that!?! I don't wanna hear about

it!"

Just then the front door opened and Iruka stepped through. "Hey!" Josh called out. "How did the

Hokage take our request!?"

Iruka sighed and sat down at the kitchen table. "He is allowing me to teach you."

"YES!!" Josh screamed as he pumped his hand into the air and jumped enthusiastically.

"Shampoo want go home." Shampoo moped. "Shampoo want sex..."

Josh cut her off. "If you say that one more time I'm going to tear your eyes out and shove them

up your skanky cunt! Now SHUT UP!"

"GOOD GOD!" Iruka stated shocked at what Josh had said. "How and WHERE did you learn

such crude language like that!? YOU'RE NINE YEARS OLD!"

Josh shrugged. "Television?" Iruka looked confused. Josh shook his head and smiled. "Never

mind. Let's start the training!"

(Four years later)

Josh and Shampoo, both now 19 years of age, stand before Kakashi with small smirks on their

faces. Kakashi and Iruka. They both now wore Leaf clan bandanas around their foreheads.

"So these are the prize students you've been talking about eh Iruka?" Kakashi said in his

trademark monotone voice.

Iruka nodded proudly. "Yes. I've never seen dedication like they have. They've surpassed all of

my students with the greatest of ease. They seem to only break from training to eat and sleep."

"Really?" Kakashi inquired. How much have they learned?

Iruka continued to smile. "Both of them have mastered nijutsu and taijitsu, already, as well as

having mastered two other styles that they already knew before my teachings. They've also been

developing their own techniques using chi."

"Chi?" Kakashi asked. "At the age of 13?"

"Yes." Iruka said. "Like I said. They never stop training."

Kakashi took in the two outsiders who surpassed everyone their age thus far with interest. Can

they defeat you?

Iruka chuckled a little bit embarrassed. "Yeah actually. They've beaten me in training plenty of

times. I hate to say it but they really are that good. So what do you think? Want take them under

your wing?"

Kakashi carefully assessed the idea. "Okay."

Iruka smiled and stepped back. Kakashi stepped towards the powerful young martial artists and

looked them over carefully. Shampoo had short hair still, and Josh looks pretty much the same as

he always did. Shampoo wore a very sexy Chinese dress that left nothing to the imagination, and

Josh wore a black and white Chinese style ghi with sleeves that went about a half a foot past his

hands.

"So why do you two want to learn martial arts so badly?" He asked.

Josh smiled. "So that I can go home."

"So I can become the leader of my tribe." Shampoo said.

Kakashi nodded. "Interesting. You wish to become the next Hokage girl?" He asked Shampoo.

Shampoo shook her head. "I don't want to be this tribes leader. I want to be the leader of my

original tribe."

"I see." Kakashi stated. "And where is it that you live?" He asked Josh.

Josh smiled. "You wouldn't know of the place."

"Try me." Kakashi demanded of the boy as he leaned down close and menacing-like.

Josh shrugged. "Okay. I come from several different places. First I came from a town in a

different dimension called Lindsay which is located in Canada, Ontario, then I began journeying

through different dimensions with a friend of mine. Ending up in all different places, the states,

Japan, China, Off world even." Josh smiled. "Happy?"

Kakashi looked confused. "You're right.... in fact I have no idea whatsoever what you're talking

about." Kakashi stood back up to his full height and turned around. "Your training begins now.

Follow me."

Iruka smiled as Kakashi and the two kids walked away. As soon as they were out of earshot he

jumped into the air and screamed out a mighty: "FINALLY!" With that we began his trek home.

(Half a year later)

Josh and Shampoo sat in Kakashi's living room drinking tea side by side. "We have half a year left

until Kakashi's supposed to die. Should we go all out on him during training?" Josh asked the

purple haired 13 year old.

Shampoo nodded. "Yes I think that would be a good idea. He'll have to increase our training.

Then we will be able to take Zabuza easily."

Josh chuckled. "You know what? It's really refreshing to hear you talk now that you can do so

without sounding like an idiot."

Shampoo smiled. "Yes well. Being that all there is to do in this universe is train... I thought I'd

train my voice on our spare time."

Josh chuckled again. "Good call."

(The next day)

Josh and Shampoo stood in a small field just outside of the village and Kakashi stood adjacent to

them about 5 meters away. With him were three kids who were about 2 years younger than Josh

and Shampoo.

"Who the fuck are they?" Shampoo demanded of their master.

Kakashi chuckled and then motioned to the three kids. "These are my new students Sasuke,

Sakura, and Naruto. Normally I only take 3 students at a time but I think that training with you

two would be very beneficial to them. Also; before you two became my students It was already

promised that I'd train them."

Josh chuckled. "Eh. It doesn't matter. They'll never be able to get as far we have, and they'll

certainly not be able to surpass us."

Naruto decided to pipe up just then. "Laugh all you want! You two only got a year or two on us

anyway! I'm going to become the next Hokage! I'll be the greatest ninja to ever live!"

Josh chuckled and smiled at Shampoo. "Suppose this would be a good time to let loose eh?"

Shampoo nodded and stared straight ahead at Kakashi. "Kakashi." She stated. "We challenge

you."

Kakashi looked confused. "Eh?"

Josh stepped forward and smiled. "Well even though we've been training damned hard with you,

me and Shampoo here have been holding back on you during sparring. We think that today's

lesson would probably benefit from a demonstration of our skill. Especially since we have the

cocky new kid's attention. I really fell the need to take him down a notch."

Kakashi nodded. "I see." he stated as he stroked his chin. "Though you do know that I've been

holding back on you too."

Josh nodded. "Of course. For this fight I want you to use the Sharingan."

Sasuke, Naruto, and Sakura all gasped at that revelation. "Sharingan!?" Sasuke said in absolute

surprise.

Kakashi smiled and pulled his headband up to reveal his left eye. "I'm surprised that you knew

about that Josh." He stated. "What gave it away?"

Josh smiled. "I studied hard, and I perfected a technique that perfectly mimicks the Sharingan on

my spare time."

Kakashi looked stunned. "What?!"

Sasuke looked amazed, and scared all at the same time. "A technique that mimics the sharingan?

That's impossible!"

"What's going on!" Naruto demanded.

Josh laughed a hearty evil laugh. "Don't look so surprised everyone! That's the thing about

martial arts. SOMEONE had to create them at some point." Josh and Shampoo then got into a

fighting stance.

"Come get some." Shampoo said with a smirk.

Josh and Shampoo then performed a jutsu together in perfect unison. As soon as they were done

two bubbles formed around them and turned pitch black. Obscuring vision entirely. Moments later

the bubbles exploded and Shampoo and Josh stood there with glowing red eyes.

"Round 1." Josh said in a Shang Tsung, Mortal Kombat voice. "FIGHT!!!"

Suddenly Josh ran forward at a reckless speed, Shampoo surprisingly staying behind. Kakashi's

eyes widened as Josh closed on him in an instant. My god! Kakashi thought to himself. They

really have been holding back!

Josh landed behind Kakashi and turned around, smiling. "Missing something master?" He asked

the older ninja.

Kakashi looked confused and then patted himself down. His eyes widened in shock and he turned

around to see Josh holding his copy of the book 'Make Out Paradise'. Kakashi smiled and

dropped into his own fighting stance. "Very well my student. If it's all out you want... It's all out

you get."

Josh smiled an evil EVIL smile. "Glad to see you come around Kakashi sensei." He wasted no

time and leapt towards the martial arts master. Kakashi however, now on his toes, managed to

counter his attack.

His skill is incredible. Kakashi thought through the flurry of attacks. Maybe it was a bad idea

of Hokage's to let them be trained.

Just then Josh performed a jutsu, another one that Kakashi had never seen before. Josh's feet

suddenly seemed to catch on fire and he kicked Kakashi in the chest in the midst of his surprise.

The blow hurt.... a LOT. Like no other Kakashi had felt before. He stumbled back and looked up

at Josh. "What was that?"

Josh smiled. "Oh that.... I call that the feet of FIREY PAIN!" Basically it causes the sensation of

your insides burning.... it also won't stop hurting like that for about an hour. The pain also

increases the more I hit you. Creative isn't it?"

Kakashi frowned. "Yes... I am impressed." With that Kakashi attacked again. He started

disappearing and replacing himself with logs of wood whenever Josh attacked but Josh quickly

discovered how his attacks worked with his sharingan technique and countered them. The fight

went on and it seemed that Josh had the upper hand.... which he did.

Kakashi stood breathing heavily across from the field from Josh. "Never have I seen such skill."

Josh smiled. "Ready to go another round teacher?" He asked, breathing a little less heavily than

Kakashi.

"Show me all of your skill now." Kakashi demanded.

"No." Josh stated as he walked back to where Shampoo was. "It's Shampoo's turn to beat you

up."

Shampoo jumped forward and began to power up her chi. Kakashi looked at her with awe,

surprised at the amount of energy emanating off of her. She then let loose a gigantic wave of chi

towards their teacher. "BURNING DEATH WAVE OF MELTING FLESH!!" She screamed.

Kakahsi's eyes widened and screamed at the sight of impending doom. "I never lost my virginity."

He said with a whimper before the wave engulfed him completely. The chi energy burnt through

his flesh like hellfire, his screams continuing on at deafening levels as he melted away in the

searing heat. When Shampoo's attack was finished all that was left was a black charred skeleton.

Josh just stared in horror at the scene. "Holy mashed potatoes, SHAMPOO! WHAT THE

FUCK!?!?"

Shampoo just looked at the charred remains of Kakashi with confusion. "I thought you said

Kakashi was a high level martial artist?" She asked.

"NOT THAT HIGH!!!" Josh screamed back. "WE DEVELOPED THAT TECHNIQUE FOR

KILLING PEOPLE!! IT MELTS FLESH!! I TOLD YOU NOT TO USE IT!!!"

Shampoo rolled her eyes. "What's the worst that could happen now?"

Josh steamed with anger. "What's going to happen? WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!?!?" Josh

paused and thought about that. "I don't know...... BUT WE WERE SENT BY GOD TO

DEFEND THIS MAN'S LIFE!"

Shampoo rolled her eyes. "It wasn't god. It was a jerk with fairy wings."

Josh nodded. "I'll admit that he's a panzy ass son of a bitch.... BUT YOU MAY HAVE JUST

SINGLE HANDEDLY WIPED OUT THE MULTIVERSE!"

Shampoo smiled and a tear formed in her eye. "Great grandmother would be so proud."

Sasuke, Naruto, and Sakura stood in the exact same place that they were last seen in. All of them

were perfectly still. They didn't blink, they didn't breath, they just stared. Jaws agape. Just then

there was a bright flash of light that blinded all who stood in the clearing where the fight just took

place. The angel Dave floated down from the sky landing between Josh, Shampoo and the three

ninja students.

Dave looked around the clearing, notice the corpse and then put two and two together. "Good

god. Can you go to ANY UNIVERSE AT ALL without KILLING SOMEONE!?!?" He

screamed at Josh.

Josh panicked under the angel's glare as the heavenly being seethed with anger. "It wasn't ME It

was HER!" He stated pointing frantically at Shampoo.

Shampoo nodded. "Yeah it was me."

"Do you have any idea what you two have done!?" Dave demanded.

"We just screwed up another time line?" Josh enquired.

"Yeah!" The angel Dave said. "And it's going to be MY ASS on the line for it too!" The angel

Dave started to pace. "Do you have any idea how much trouble you little pricks are in?"

"Seven?" Josh asked.

"What?" The angel Dave said in confusion. "NO YOU LITTLE SHIT! YOU CAN'T EVEN

BEGIN TO FATHOM THE TROUBLE YOU'RE IN!"

Josh stepped forward. "Listen, Gabriel... give us another chance. It's Shampoo's fault. I had

nothing to do with it."

"It's DAVE you cocky prick! You're not the only one who fucked up. I'm taking you both to

heaven and you're going to have to explain all this to the big man yourself!"

"I'm not going to heaven you stupid bird man." Shampoo stated. "I've got to get back to Evan."

"Shut up." Dave said in a 'I'll turn this car around I swear I will' tone of voice. He then grabbed

the both of them and they all disappeared in a bright flash of white light.

Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura stood there watching.... Still just as still as before. Then Naruto

decided to speak. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!"

After a minute Naruto calmed down and just started breathing heavily. Sasuke shook his head.

"They'll never believe what we just saw."

"It was an angel." Sakura said.

"They'll never believe us." Sasuke repeated.

Naruto spoke up again. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"

TBC

Well we finally managed to get another chapter of SI done and up on the site. It's been a while

what with College and all. It's surprising just how much work there is in a one year general arts

course. Not to mention the fact that I've been writing a movie screenplay and have also been

working simultaneously on two different web comics, not to mention my musical projects. Let's

not forget the female situation, or lack of rather that I've been trying to correct. But anywho It's

all going good and I've got three weeks to do as much on all this stuff as possible. SI is on the top

of the list, since it's the one that hasn't been worked on for the longest time. Well that's all from

me. Here's Evan.

Morden Night: 

Agasaki Ishano: 


	42. Stop what’s the time? Heaven time

Self Insertion

Chapter 42

Stop... what's the time? Heaven time.

Josh, Evan, Steve Dave, Ranma-chan, Shampoo, and Chii, all stood before the almighty each of

them in their original ages.. Or as most would know him... GOD! He was a clean shaven man,

save for a mustache, in his mid twenties, he wore a 1920's style gangster suit and sported a very

slick and greasy looking mafioso hairstyle. He sat upon a golden throne enshrouded in mist and

light, with two angel warrior guards on either side. The Angel Dave stood behind the group of

mortals with an angry expression on his face.

"Do you have any Idea what it is I have to do now to fix your screw ups? DO YOU?!?" God

demanded of the group. Before anyone could respond God continued. "If just one of you, just

ONE of you! Managed to fix one of the universes that I had sent you to. I would be able to

continue on. I could have sent you to more universes and had you fix them until all 486 of them

were fixed. BUT, since you ALL failed on these FIRST, and VITAL missions everything has spun

out beyond my control. Beyond GOD'S CONTROL!"

"WAIT!" Evan said, cutting god off. "You're not GOD!" He said with a smirk.

Josh and the other's glared at Evan as if he were completely insane.

Evan continued. "God's all shiny and has a big grey beard! And he's supposed to be floating at all

times. And he's supposed to be wrinkly too. He also only wears diapers and robes cause he's so

old!"

God's eye twitched. "Well." He stated. "As it turns out. This is the only form that your brains can

comprehend."

Evan cut him off again. "I can comprehend floaty old shiny guys."

God sighed and continued. "If I were to use my real form all your internal organs would explode

and your soul would instantly split into all possible developmental personalities that could have

come about to you with different upbringings. This would cause you to go insane on an astral

level and be stuck in purgatory for eternity."

"Prove it!" Evan demanded.

Josh instantly slapped his hand over Evan's mouth successfully shutting him up. "Please your

holiness." Josh started, hoping to avert disaster. "Don't mind Evan. He's a little overzealous."

God sighed. "Fine I'll let him live. Now! As I was saying. I am God, I am all powerful, but even

all powerful has a limit. The problems that all of you have caused through all this time and space

hopping has caused a universal and dimensional problem that will take all of my power to fix. This

will leave me, GOD, powerless for 1 million human years. At this point my only protection will be

my angels, who will instantly be forced to fight the coming forces of Satan, who wishes to usurp

my throne as the almighty. As soon as I reset all of the realities and am out of power he will no

doubt storm the gates of heaven with all his might."

The whole group face faulted. "Holy shit." Josh said. "That sucks dude."

"I'm sorry." Shampoo said with her head bowed. Ranma did much the same, and Chii just looked

confused and said: "Chii?"

Josh sighed. "So I suppose you're going to send us all back to our home dimensions; powerless

and without recollection of what it is that we've done this past little while?"

God pointed at Josh sternly. "No! I WILL send you all back, I WILL strip you of all your powers,

but I will NOT take away your memories. I want you all to live about your entire lives knowing

full well that you may have brought about the fall of heaven with your actions; as well as what

you humans would call.... Armageddon."

"Dang." Evan stated.

"Yeah." Josh followed through. "It's gonna suck not having any souvenirs from this trip."

"I'll say." Evan replied.

"Now..." God said. "Being the all forgiving all loving being that I am I will allow you all to give

each other a last farewell before I go about restarting the multi verse to just before this all

happened."

Josh turned to Ranma and took a hold of her. He kissed her deeply and stared deeply into her

bright blueish grey eyes. "I'll miss you Ranma. I'm sorry that we all messed this up. My only

regret is that I won't be able to follow through with our marriage."

"I love you Josh." She said with teary eyes as she collapsed into his muscular arms and sobbed

slightly.

Josh said nothing. He just held his red haired goddess tightly.

Evan turned to Shampoo and held onto her hands. "Shampoo?" He asked.

Shampoo nodded with teary eyes as well. It's a chick thing "Yes Evan my husband?"

Evan smiled. "My only regret is that I won't be able to bone you another seven or eight time

more."

Shampoo smiled and collapsed into his arms. "I lust for your body Evan!" She said grabbing his

ass with all her amazonian might.

Evan and Shampoo then proceeded to make out heavily.

Steve Dave looked at Chii.

Chii looked at Steve Dave.

"So..." Steve Dave started. "You're a robot eh?"

Chii looked confused. "Chii?"

Steve Dave smiled. "Sweet! Robots rule."

Josh then looked over at Steve Dave with a questioning raised single eyebrow. "Hey Steve Dave.

What'd you screw up in X-Men universe?" He asked.

Steve Dave shrugged. "I was supposed to save the world and I didn't."

Evan stared blankly at Steve Dave. "What were you supposed to save it from? Magneto? The

brood?"

"Steve Dave had to stop an out of control killer mutant Martha Stewart from killing the X-Men."

The Angel Dave said, cutting in on their private and intimate conversation.

"Shut Up Gabriel." Josh demanded. "I was asking Steve Dave."

Steve Dave shrugged. "I wasn't paying attention when they were telling me what to do. I just

went and had a pizza."

"Well now that that's all done with I think it's about time that you all get sent back to your home

dimensions." God said and with a wave of his hand they all disappeared. With that God let out a

big sigh and collapsed in his chair. "I am not looking forward to this Dave." He said.

Dave nodded. "I know sir. We're all willing to stand by your side and fight against the forces of

darkness."

"I have no doubt in my mind that they WILL come too Dave." God continued. He then stood up

and raised his hands. "Here goes something."

With that all of the different dimensions rewound to the time just before Josh and Evan left on

their time and space faring journey.

Josh looked around in confusion as did Evan as they found themselves suddenly inside their old

school's computer lab. Josh looked across from him and sure enough, on the other side of the

room Evan sat there at the exact same computer he remembered him at before they left for the

Ranma ½ universe.

"Hey Evan?" Josh asked.

Evan nodded. "Yeah?"

"Do you have memories of a time and space faring journey where we both gained super powers

and almost damned the multi verse?" He asked.

"Yeah, I recall casting a nifty spell and begin able to learn everything I read... and being a ninja...

or at least knowing ninjitsu amongst other things." Evan said as he looked down at his keyboard.

"Man I haven't seen the tick in millennia!"

"So I guess we're supposed to stay in this world and be normal now eh?" Josh asked.

"Yup." Evan responded. "Suppose so."

Josh and Evan sat there for a moment.

They sat a little longer.

Josh looked at his computer screen. "Hey.... that website where I found that spell is up still eh."

He said.

Evan stared at Josh. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"MAKEOVER!!!!" Josh yelled as he did a girly jump, knocking over his chair and the chair next

to him.

Evan just stared at Josh and began to sing softly. "Makeover, makeover. MAKEOVER!!" He

finished with a bellow.

At that moment the librarian walked in. "Can you two keep it down?" She asked in an ornerier

tone.

Evan looked at Josh and snickered. "Stupid librarian." The librarian glared at Evan before going

back to her desk. Evan got up out of his chair and walked over to Josh's computer.

"Let's go back." Evan said."

Josh looked up at him with surprise. "We just got bitched at by god about five minutes ago, and

you actually want to go back on another time and space adventure after that?"

Evan nodded. "Yeah."

Josh smiled. "Me too. That was fun!" Josh then paused... "Hey. Didn't God say that he would be

completely powerless for 1 million human years after this reset thing?"

Evan nodded. "Exactly."

"No one could stop uds!" Josh said excitedly.

Evan looked confused. "You mean 'us' right?"

Josh shook his head. "Oh no. I meant 'uds'. No one can stop uds"

Evan looked confused. "You mean 'us' right?"

Josh hung his head. "Yeah." He said bashfully. "Well I think I'll just print this off and then read it

then." He said as he pressed print. Moments later he came back from the front desk with a piece

of paper with the spell printed on it. "Let's see here now: Wifity snifity, Yahl rahben goulshnektal

gill dod nigastro kinmarita lick eesomee pussaatylif Rasha Babba Ganushillmara Irritaglydope

dsjweoa shnell!"

All of a sudden the earth started to shake. This time Evan and Josh didn't move. "This is

familiar." Evan stated.

Josh smiled and struck a pose. "TIME FOR JOSH AND EVAN TO GO ON ANOTHER

WHIRLWIND ADVENTURE THROUGH TIME AND......"

SMACK!

"Shut up Josh... and try not to fall into the bitch spring this time." Evan said as he rubbed his hand

and waited for the spell to conclude.Just then the pink and orange portal opened up and Josh and

Evan jumped through.

"COWABUNGA!" Josh screamed.

"SPOON!" Evan screamed!

In a remote area a portal suddenly opened up and two familiar figures fell out of it onto the

ground.

"OOF!" Josh groaned as Evan landed on top of him. "Where's the splash?" He wondered out

loud as he got up off the ground.

Evan moaned and got up as well. He looked around and noticed that there was nothing familiar

about the current location. "Hey... where are we?" He wondered..

"I dunno. Josh offered. But it's definitely not Jusenkyo." Josh pulled out the piece of paper

containing the spell from his pocket and read it over in his head. "Hmm... Maybe I read something

wrong this time."

Evan groaned. "Great! At least if we'd landed in Jusenkyo we'd have some clue as to where to

go."

Josh shrugged. "Well I guess we got nothing better to do than walk around and hope to find some

sort of populated area."

"Yeah." Evan said. "Definitely."

With that the pair of dimensional travelers began walking in a random direction hoping to find

something that would give them a clue as to where they are.

The angel Dave entered God's lounge with caution. "Sir?"

"What is it Dave?" God asked with an exhausted tone."I need all the time to myself I can get if

I'm too recharge all of my energy."

"I know my lord." Dave said. "It's just that this is very important and could not wait another

minute."

"Please tell me you have good news Dave." God pleaded.

Dave rolled his eyes and breathed in deep. "I'm afraid not sir. You remember how you told me to

keep an eye on Josh VanHalteren and Evan McNeely?"

"Oh me.... please don't say it." God begged.

"They left their universe again somehow my almighty. They've started all over again."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Josh looked over to Evan as they walked through the foliage. "Hey Evan." He hailed. "I've

noticed that you're taking this a lot better than the last time. What gives?"

Evan shrugged. "I figured out a little while ago this all isn't a dream. So I'm cool now." he said as

the pair continued to walk through the rubble in the area. "I didn't know Japan got trashed in

Ranma..."

"Maybe we're in Evangelion?" Josh said, sounding unsure of himself.

Evan shrugged. "Maybe, but didn't the spell send us to Ranma?"

"Meh." Josh said as the pair continued to walk. "I might of said 'dod' instead of 'bob' on the

spell."

"You know I hate you right?" Evan asked as he raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah." Josh said as he spotted a person a few blocks away. "Hey, a person. Maybe they'll know

where and when we are."

Evan looked around the ruined city they had entered. "Speaking of when, remember when we

went to feudal Japan?"

Josh glared at Evan. "That was a painful memory! MY WIFE DIED THERE!!!" He bellowed at

Evan.

Evan took a step back and glanced around. "Hey! You made that guy run away... you insensitive

bastard!"

Josh frowned and pointed at Evan. "YOU'RE THE INSENSITIVE ONE!!! BRING UP OLD

WOUNDS!!!!" Josh's eyes then began to water. "I loved Kasumi."

Evan shrugged and started looking for the man who had ran away, leaving an exasperated Josh a

few steps behind. "Where'd that guy go?" He asked himself.

"HEY! Wait up!" Josh called out as he jogged to catch up.

Evan kept the same pace, scanning around the street and shrugging when he found no trace of the

man. "Crap. We lost him."

Just then Josh caught up and they continued to walk. Josh then grabbed Evan and pointed. "Look.

We're in New York!"

"How would you know?" Evan asked.

Josh continued to point to the English sign that said "WELCOME TO MANHATTAN!"

Evan laughed and got to his knees, kissing the ground.. "Finally! We're in an English speaking

place!" Evan paused however as he heard heavy footsteps in front of him. He slowly looked up

and noticed that the feet didn't look human. In fact neither did the legs, torso, arms or head.

In fact it was a very scary looking monster creature of some sort.

"Uhm. Evan?" Josh started. "I think that we should be running... like... five minutes ago."

"Deal." Evan stated as he got off the ground and ran away. Josh did much the same.

Evan suddenly fell down. Josh moved back to see if he was okay, thinking that he may have

tripped. "Get up man!"

Evan groaned and rolled around on the ground holding his stomach. "Ohhh.... I didn't trip! I'm in

pain you moron! GRAAHHH!!!"

Josh panicked and began to breath heavily. "Oh crap! What's happening in this world!?" Just then

Josh's stomach began to hurt, his face began to hurt after that and the pain spread and inflamed as

time passed on. He collapsed shortly after from the pain and joined Evan on the ground."

Just then the creature that they were running from caught up with them. It stopped just in front of

them and two other very different things stopped just beside him. One of them looked human save

for her hands. "See?" The first monster said to the others. "Humans. Just like I said."

The more human looking female put her arm around the large creature and smiled. "No. They

WERE human. They're going through the murtation as we speak. Look at the blond one."

The creature nodded and noticed that the boy was indeed changing physically. "Why have they

remained human up until now though?" The third one asked.

"I don't know." The female responded. "Perhaps they were in seclusion like Tony." She then

besnt down and caressed Evan's cheek as eh struggled with the excruciating pain. "Let's bring

them home with us. They are in need of shelter."

The other two mutants nodded and picked them up, cradling them in their arms.

Evan awoke on a hardwood floor. He looked himself over and found that he was still wearing his

clothes. "That's odd.. Most of the time on these journeys I lose my pants when I pass out." He

then looked around the room. The room was simple, the walls were redbrick and the floor was

wood, off the Evan's right was an odd Dragon-man, sleeping face down in a puddle of his own

drool. "Gross dragon-man... drooling allover the floor."

At that the dragon-man turned to Evan. "Who's a gross dragon-man? I wanna see 'im"

"AHHH!!! TALKING DRAGON-MAN!!!!" Evan yelled as he scuttled backwards on his

buttocks.

The dragon-man jumped up. "AHHH!!! DRAGON-MAN!!! INVISIBLE DRAGON-MAN!!!!"

Evan pointed shakily at the dragon-man. "No... umm.. You're the dragon-man... I yell.. You

roar."

The dragon-man rubbed his scaly chin and scratched his butt/tail "OH MY GOD!!! I'VE GOT A

TAIL!!!" The dragon-man then started spinning around trying to look at his tail. He then stopped

and looked himself over. "I am a dragon-man.... meh... at least I'm not a chick."

"What the fuck are you talking about dragon-man!?" Evan asked as he stood up.

"Evan? Are you drunk?" Dragon-man asked.

"No... I wouldn't have pants if I was drunk." Evan replied.

"Fair enough." Dragon-man replied.

"Hey.... how do you know my name dragon-man?" Evan asked with a cocked eyebrow.

"Cause I've been living with you during our trip through time and space for like 10 years now."

Dragon-man replied.

"Ooohh..... Pants man... when did you become a dragon-man?" Evan asked.

"I'm Josh, Evan." Dragon-man/pants man/Josh responded.

"Who the hell is Josh-Evan... I know a Steve Dave.... but not a Josh-Evan." Evan said, scratching

his chin.

"I hate you." Dragon-man said with enmity.

"Oh!! Hi Josh." Evan said as he gave Josh the wink gun.

TBC

Author's notes: Well we've finally managed to pull off another chapter. Anyone able to figure

out what universe we're in right now? Huh? Huh? Well I ain't going to tell you yet. Cause I'm

awesome. And I keep you in suspense. Cause I'm so good of a writing person. I don't actually

have a whole lot to say so I'm going to pass it off to Evan now.

(JOSH IS A DRAGON-MAN!!!!! I'm NOT A DRAGON-MAN!!! THAT MAKES ME THE

WINNER!!! OH YEAH!!! Anywho, Si team re-united!! Wickety wack!! That's all I have to say...

so I'ma leave...)

Morden Night: 

Agasaki Ishano: 


	43. What happened to JD? Here’s what

Self Insertion

Chapter 43

What happened to JD? Here's what.

With that a flash of light came from Dave's raised hand and the six people disappeared without a

trace. Josh then thought to himself as they hurtled through to the different universes they were to

fix.. Hey. I wonder what happened to JD."

2 weeks earlier.

Kamano Romanji frowned as he stared at his partner. "You are sure these high school rumors are

true?" He asked the smaller man.

"Yes sir." The other man said with a deep bow. "When I went to investigate the presence I have

sensed in the area I caught a glimpse of a daygoyle. It had abnormally strong spirit readings."

With that the sorcerer walked towards Furinkan high school. He walked into the school and up to

the bell tower. "Gargoyle types always end up living in bell towers." He muttered to himself as he

climbed the stairs.

As he and his partner reached the top they noticed that there was a gargoyle there.

"What the crap!?!?" JD said as he noticed the sorcerer. The sorcerer then cast a spell that opened

a vortex.

"I BANISH THEE DEMON!!" The sorcerer yelled.

"DAMN IT!" JD yelled as he was sucked into the portal.

The portal closed shortly after JD went through it and Kamano Romanji sighed and turned to his

partner. "Wanna go get lunch?" He asked.

His partner nodded. "Yeah."

With that the pair clasped hands and walked out of the school towards their favorite gay bar.

(Current time)

Josh smiled as he looked in the mirror of their host's bathroom. "Man that looks pretty badass."

He noted as he blew some smoke rings out of his dragon nose.

He then walked out of the bathroom and into the common room where everyone was drinking

tea.

"So." Evan started. "The entire world was struck with some sort of overnight virus that mutated

the entire population in an instant." Evan asked.

"Yes." The more human of their host's said. "No one knows for sure exactly what it was that

caused it... but now there is no humanity anymore, only inhumanity."

"Sweet!" Evan exclaimed as Josh sat down beside him. "So I've got some sort of powers now?"

All of the room's occupants nodded. "It's just a matter of time before you find out what it is that

you can do." The woman said.

Josh smiled and stretched his awesome wings. "So Cora. How does this thing work? Is the

mutation random?"

Cora nodded. "Yes it appears so."

"Sweet." Josh said.

"Why didn't I get a power?" Evan moaned.

"You have one, you just don't know what it is yet." Cora said waving off Evan's griping.

"So what happened to your hands?" Evan asked.

"WEREN'T YOU LISTENING!?! MUTATIONS!!!" Cora yelled waving her lobster claw hands.

"Did you burn them?" Evan asked, having not listened to her.

Everyone just stared at Evan and an awkward silence was thus started. "WELL!" Josh started. "I

thank you all for your hospitality.... but me and Evan should be on our ways. We'll be fine on our

own from now on I think. Goodbye Cora."

Josh then bowed and left the house.

He then came back in and grabbed Evan. "Thanks for the tea!" Evan called back to Cora.

"So..." Josh started as he and Evan strolled down the streets of New York. "Want to head to a

different dimension now? Or chill out here for a bit?" He asked as he pulled the paper containing

the spell out of his, now tight, jeans pocket.

"When the hell did you print that?" Evan asked.

"Before I read it." Josh said

"Fair enough.... why can't I look like a dragon-man?" Evan groaned as the pair walked by a man

with angel wings and blue skin.

"Hey, wasn't that Arch-angel." Josh asked as he turned to his friend. "OH MY GOD!!! YOU'RE

ARCH-ANGEL!!!" Josh screamed at his suddenly changed friend.

Evan looked himself over, noting his blue skin and wings. "Oh.... so it would seem..." He said as

he flapped his wings once and lifted a foot off the ground. "Now I can fly!! WHICKETY!!"

Josh nodded and smiled as he stroked his Dragon chin. "It appears that you have Super-Skrull like

abilities. You can shape shift and mimic other mutant's powers." Josh paused and contemplated

this. "You lucky bastard."

"Sweet Frickin deal!" Evan exclaimed. As he flew around a bit. He almost ran into another flying

mutant as he did so.

"Hey! I'M FLYIN HEA!" The angry mutant new yorker said as he shook his fist at Evan.

"Sorry." Evan responded as he touched back down where Josh was still standing. He then

changed back to his normal self. "So what do we do now? We've got these awesome powers...

should we become super heroes again?" He asked his trusted best friend.

Josh stroked his chin, as he was prone to doing when thinking. "No... I don't think that would be

a very great plan in a world full of heroes. Although I think I do know what universe we're in and

why we didn't go to Ranma verse like I planned."

Evan looked surprised as he impersonated Arnold Swartzenegger. "Really? Well then what are

you waiting for!? TELL ME! Cause I'm a cop!"

Josh just shook his head. "You idiot.... Come on." With that Josh led Evan to a nearby diner.

The diner was big and had obviously went under some renovations. There was a commotion at

the door as they walked through but they ignored it. They quickly found a seat at a booth and a

waitress almost immediately walked up to them.

"What can I get you?" The Fish lady asked.

"I'll just have a bagel." Josh said. "With cream cheese."

Evan smiled. "I'll have a prostitute."

Josh kicked him from under the table and smiled up at the waitress. "He's kidding. He'll have a

bagel too."

The waitress rolled her gigantic fishy eyes and walked back to the kitchen. Evan glared at Josh.

"Why'd you do that!? I wanted a prostitute!"

Josh just shook his head. "Forget about it. Listen. I think I read the spell wrong that first time."

"You WHAT!?" Evan demanded.

Josh put his giant dragon hands up in defense. "Hold on let me finish. I think I said dod, here

when I should have said bob." He said indicating the spot on the spell sheet. "I think that

somehow determines our destination."

Evan nodded. "Okay so that explains why we aren't in Ranma... now what universe ARE we in?

I'm not familiar with anything where everyone on the planet is a mutant."

Josh nodded. "Right. Well from what I've been able to figure out so far. We're in a marvel

universe, thus why we saw Arch-angel from the X-Men. I've heard something about a world

where everyone was a mutant before. It was called Earth X."

Evan nodded. "Oh YEAH! I remember hearing something about that title. It was an Alex Ross

comic right?" He asked.

Josh nodded. "Right. However... I think it would be in our best interest to get out of this universe

and head to the Ranma one like we originally planned."

Evan looked confused. "Why would we do that? We just got here, and this place is pretty cool."

Josh looked a little edgy. "Weeeeell, normally I'd agree with you and all... but I've read a review

of it and the ending isn't too pleasant. There's a high chance we'd die if we stayed."

"Oh....." Evan muttered. "Would we still get to keep our powers if we left?"

Josh nodded. "Of course."

Evan smiled and jumped out of his seat. "Well what are we waiting for!? I'VE GOT ME AN

AMAZON TO BONE! WOO!!!" Evan then stopped and looked around. Everyone was looking at

him. Including the fish waitress who was standing beside him with two bagels.

Josh and Evan then left the diner.

Josh frowned as he looked around the city streets. "Damn it." He muttered aloud. "There doesn't

seem to be anywhere secluded at all to read this stupid spell. There's mutants everywhere."

Evan shrugged. "Why don't we go back out to where that lady with the burny hands found us?

There weren't too many people there."

Josh groaned. "That's a really long walk.... I'd rather find some place closer."

Evan looked at Josh with one eyebrow raised. "Why don't we just fly out there?" He asked.

Josh opened up his dragon mouth to say something but then looked at his wings. "Oh yeah... I

forgot about those." Josh then took off into the sky towards the outskirts of New York, with

Evan falling in behind in the form of Archangel again.

It didn't take long for the duo to make it there by air and they quickly went about making sure the

area was devoid of people that could tag along. Josh smiled as he realized that there was luckily

no one for miles. He then sat down on a nearby log and reached into his shirt pocket to get the

spell.

He paused...

He patted himself down....

His eyes widened in fear....

"I can't find the spell." Josh said looking up at Evan with a panicked expression upon his scaley

face.

Evan showed no expression.... "You're kidding right?" He asked.

Josh ignored his question. "I must have dropped it while we were flying."

"You're kidding right?" Evan repeated.

"Maybe we were pickpocketed." Josh thought out loud again, ignoring Evan's question again as

he started to pace.

"You're kidding right!?!" Evan demanded.

"Oh no." Josh stated.

"You're not kidding are you?" Evan muttered.

"The diner." Josh said. "I left it at the Diner. On the table." he stated.

Evan sat down on the log heavily. "Great. Just great. Now some dumb bruiser mutant's probably

got our magical spell, and has probably already read it and sent himself to another universe." He

said. "Now what are we going to do?"

Josh spread his wings. "We're gonna get back there as fast as possible and hope that It's still

there!" He said, taking off and not waiting for Evan.

All of a sudden a DRAGON burst through the doors of the Eat You In The Pants dinerIt's in a

seedier part of town. Josh then rushed over to the booth that he and Evan were sitting at before.

He lifted up cups and plates that were on the table and then the current occupants of the booth.

Evan then walked through the door as himself.

"Got it?" He asked his friend.

"It's not here!" Josh said in panic.

"FISH-STICKS ATE IT!!!!" Evan bellowed as he morphed into the fish-lady and danced around.

Josh backhanded Evan. "Shut up... we need to find out who took our spell."

Evan stopped his dance and put a hand to his chin as the fish-lady form melted away. "Yeah... but

where to start."

Josh shrugged and walked over to the fish-lady waitress. "Hey. Um, did we leave a sheet of paper

at our table when we left here?" He asked the gilled woman.

Fish-lady shrugged. "I dunno. I just cleaned up after ya."

"Well what did you do with the garbage?" Josh asked.

The fish lady just looked at him as if he was normal. "Threw it in the garbage. Now if you'll

excuse me... I've got work to do." She said as she brushed past him.

Josh sighed and his big dragon shoulders slumped. "Crap. Evan!" He called out.

Evan looked up from the lunch that he was eating at someone elses booth. "Yeah?"

"Lets go digging through the trash!" Josh stated. "WE MUST FIND THAT SPELL!"

Evan help up a finger. "One moment. I wanna finish my lunch."

"YOU MEAN MY LUNCH YOU LITTLE BASTARD!!" Screamed an agitated old man who

had just come out of the bathroom.

Evan jumped out of the booth and followed Josh to the back where the dumpsters would be.

"Well that was fun." Josh stated as he walked out of the alley covered in garbage, from leftover

pancakes to band-aids.

"Well maybe a customer took it before the lady cleaned the table." Evan offered as he injected

heroin into a discarded teddy bear.

Josh frowned at him. "Evan put those needles away! You don't know where they've been." Josh

said sternly.

"Yeah I do." Evan stated. "They were in the dumpster. Now shut uppa you face!" He said as he

morphed into doctor Mario.

Josh just shook his head and continued walking. "Whatever.... well we should just keep looking

and find some place to stay in the meantime." He offered.

"What about burny lady?" Evan asked.

Josh turned around and stopped. "God damnit Evan! Her hands were lobster claws. They weren't

burnt! Are you REALLY that stupid!?" He demanded.

Evan shook his head. "No. But it was funny when she yelled at me." He stated.

Josh shook his head and continued to walk down the street. "Sometimes you are the dumbest

person I know."

Evan smirked and started to stretch at his abdomen like Mr. Fantastic so that his head was in front

of Josh, startling the dragon-man. "What about JD?"

Josh regained his composure. "I said sometimes... JD is the dumbest the rest of the time."

Evan un-stretched and jogged to catch up to Josh. "Fair enough... but my power is so much more

awesome than yours." Evan bragged.

Josh shook his scaly head. "What does that have to do with anything?"

Evan shrugged. "Just saying. Anywho, if the spell worked like it did last time, I should be able to

recite it from memory."

Josh stopped in his tracks. "YOU'RE FUCKING RIGHT YOU COULD!! DO IT NOW

BITCH!!!"

Evan shrugged. "Ok... Rashabobbaganushaalickityspiltka....umm... I don't think the spell worked

like it did... I just made all that stuff up."

Josh hung his head. "Well then, I guess we keep looking."

Evan stopped walking. "How are we going to find the spell though? I mean, anyone could have

it!....Unless we start systematically assassinating every last person in the city!" He exclaimed,

thrusting his right fist in the air for emphasis.

Josh just shook his head. "No fucking way. Do you know how long that'd take?"

Evan frowned. "I guess you're right... not very time efficient.... so um.. What happens at the end

of Earth X anywho?" Evan asked of his reptilian compatriot.

Josh grimaced. "Let's not think about that right now, and focus on the task at hand."

"Why couldn't I get Iceman powers again?" Evan griped as the pair moved on.

"Because Iceman is probably still using them... it's a random mutation, meaning it's different in

each person. If iceman existed in this universe, which he does, then that particular gene has

already been claimed. Although, to speculate, offshoots of the Iceman gene could possibly exist,

but they would have to be hereditary." Josh said simply.

Evan stopped. "When the fuck did you get smart?"

Josh shrugged. "Common sense dude."

Evan shook his head. "Whatever... let's just find this sheet of paper and get the fuck out of here."

Josh smiled. "You just reminded me." Josh started. "I think I know where to go to get help for

our little predicament my friend." He said to Evan as he spread his wings out ready to take flight .

"Where" Evan asked.

"Mr. Fantastic." He said.

Evan looked confused. "The stretchy guy who made that lab that I stole on Marvel world?"

"Yup."

Josh knocked on the doors of Four Freedoms Plaza and waited. After a few moments of nothing

he tried to open the door but it was locked. He looked around and noticed that the place was

pretty dilapidated. There was even a little sign that said "Condemned."

"What happened here?" He questioned out loud.

"Looks like they moved out." Evan said. "Maybe they're in the phone book." He offered.

Josh rolled his big dragon eyes. "You idiot! Super heroes aren't listed in the phone books! That's

the stupidest idea I've ever heard!"

Evan then walked to a nearby phone booth and opened up the phone book. "He flipped through

the pages and then stopped. He stuck his head out the door and called out to Josh. "I could give

Ben Grimm a call. He's in here."

Josh sighed. "I hate it when your dumb ideas work."

Ben grimm sighed as he looked through the Fan four scrapbook, which he kept as a friendly

reminder of better days when Johnny and Sue were still alive and fighting crime as his and Reed's

side. Just then Alicia Masters, his wife, came in and touched him on his shoulder. "Ben." She

offered.

Ben looked up and wiped a single tear from his big blue eyes with his mighty rocky hand. "Yeah

Alicia?" He asked.

"Doors for you." She said softly.

Ben breathed in and set the book down. He straightened his sweater and walked towards the

door. When he got there, there were two people, a dragon man, and a shape shifter, who currently

looked like Spawn.

"Who are you yahoos?" He asked, not recognizing the two at all."

"Hi. I'm Josh VanHalteren." Josh started.

"And I'm Evan McNeely." Evan continued doing a stretchy wavy thing with his arms.

"Ah crap!" Ben started. "You'se guys from the IRS?" He asked in dread.

Josh looked confused. "Uh... no sir... I just wanted to ask you a favor." Josh asked as professional

as possible.

"Waaayyooo." Evan said as he continued to wave his arms all Mr. Fantastic like.

"Fan boys?" Grimm inquired again.

Evan then morphed into Grimm and copied him perfectly. "FanboyS!? You fanboys!? I'm a

whoop your rooty poo candy ass!" Evan then rasied a rocky eyebrow higher than was supposed

to be possible.

Josh chuckled. "The Rock. That's a good one." Josh then put on his serious face. "We need to

find Reed Richards. It's a matter of inter-dimensional importance." He stated.

Josh frowned as Ben slammed the door on him. "Fucker."

"I'm an asshole aren't I?" Evan asked still in the Thing form.

"If by you, you mean him, then ya." Josh said.

End of CHAPTER!!

Author's Notes: Well that's another one down and it was a short one... what are we going to

do? We're mutants and we've lost the spell.. Here's Evan..

(I'm so ronry.... Anywho... yeah... I have super skrull powers, for the uninformed that means I

can duplicate the appearance and physical powers of other mutants and people.. So yeah that's

that.... wellp... I'm out.)

Morden Night: 

Agasaki Ishano: 


	44. Earth XXX

Self Insertion

Chapter 44

Earth XXX

Josh frowned as he and Evan sat at a booth at the Eat You In The Pants Diner. "What are we

going to do?" He asked. "Reed's our only hope... and we can't even find him.

Evan shrugged. "We could go door to door and ask people how to find him. Somebody's got to

know how to at least get that information."

Josh shrugged. "That won't work. The average joe's not going to know how to find that

information, let alone where to find HIM."

Evan shrugged. "Hey it's worth a shot right?" Evan then shot his hand out and grabbed a person

that was walking by at that moment. "Excuse me." He asked the man. "Do you know how I could

find a one Mr. Fantastic of the former Fantastic Four?"

The guy smiled and leaned down resting his elbows on the table. He was a normal looking person

with no physical mutations visible at first second or third glance, he had unruly brown hair and

sported a long brown trench coat. "I know the goings on of the entire world son." He said. "And

I'll tell you too... for a price."

Josh sighed and banged his big dragon head on the table. "Why do his dumb ideas keep working!"

He muttered to himself.

"We're game." Evan said to the stranger. "What's the price?" Evan asked the man.

The man smiled. "$5000 is my standard price, up front in cash."

Josh sighed. "We don't have that kind of money."

The man stood up. "Hey no problem. I can wait for you to get it. Here's my card and where to

reach me for when you DO have the money." He said handing Evan a business card.

Evan looked it over. "Madrox and Madrox and Madrox Information a go go." He stated reading

it out loud.

Josh lifted his head up off the table. "Madrox?" He asked. "As in Jamie Madrox? The Multiple

Man?"

Jamie Madrox chuckled. "He he. That's me. I got one a me in every city. I know the goings on of

the entire planet ma man." He then turned around to leave. "Go to that address on a Saturday to

get a hold of me."

Josh took the card from Evan and looked it over with some interest. "Well ain't that some shit."

Josh and Evan smiled as they sat in the "'Eat You In The Pants' Diner. "So I guess we're getting

jobs again." Josh stated as he opened up the newspaper that they had just purchased with what

little money they had.

"Yeah." Evan said. "I'm actually looking forward to it this time. With these nifty powers we could

probably get awesome jobs... unlike that time we went to Ranma Universe."

Josh groaned. "Don't remind me. Working as a waitress and getting my ass pinched by old dirty

Chinese perverts? Fuck no."

"Oh man." Evan started as he shook his head. "And I was working as a prostitute. I thought I'd

die of dehydration."

"Well there's no way I'm working in a job like that again." Josh said as he leaned back in the

booth.

"Yeah." Evan said.

"Are you ready to order sir?" Josh said as he held a small notepad prepared to write down the

patron's orders. God I want to die. He muttered. I hope Evan had better luck with his

applications.

"WHO WANT'S TO LOVE ME IN THE PANTS!?!" Evan desperately yelled at a pair of passing

girls. When they walked away, Evan hung his head. "I was once a man.... a true man, loving

everything in my path!!" He cried out into the bustling street and shaking his hand at a random

person. "I must reconsider my approach..." He then smiled and shifted into Antonio Bandaras.

"LOVE ME IN THE PANTS FOR FIFTY DOLLARS!!!" At that point an old lady walked by

and looked Evan over.

"Ooooo... a shape shifter... could you be anyone at the right price?" She asked.

"If you have a picture of that person, I can easily change into him." Evan stated, sounding cheery

about his own abilities.

The old lady smiled. "And how much would that cost?"

"Wait.... for you?" Evan asked.

The lady shook her head. "No, it's for my daughter..."

Evan motioned for the lady to continue. "So... can she move?"

"Not really... that's why I have to get her man-whores." The lady said, nonchalantly.

"Sure thing! Um... Fifty bucks!" Evan said.

The lady smiled. "Normally it costs way more than that."

"Whatever, I'm glad to take charity cases... who does she want me to be?" Evan asked.

"Oh.. Just some super hero with an 'A' on his head." The lady said.

"Captain Amex? Yeah I can do that. I'd love to hump some chick like Captain America." Evan

said, shifting into Captain America in full uniform.

"That's not what Captain America looks like silly." The lady said as she produced a picture of the

new Captain America.

"He looks like Bruce Willis.... but old... and scarred... on his face!" Evan said as he shifted into

the new form. He then looked himself over. "Is the flag toga necessary?"

"Part of the appeal." The hag said.

Evan shrugged. "I'ma do me a paraplegic!!" He yelled into the street, startling a random passerby.

Evan gasped as he entered the bedroom of the old lady's daughter. "OH DEAR FUCKING

SWEET FUCKING FUCK!!!!" Evan yelled as he clambered backwards and tripped over his own

feet, and wound up scuttling like a crab until he hit the door.

Evan then jumped in fear as the old lady came up behind him and put her hand on his shoulder.

"This is my daughter Shira." She stated. "She developed blob like powers during the world

mutation. She unfortunately lost the ability to walk."

"I CAN SEE WHY!!" Evan screamed in horror. "My price went up! MY PRICE WENT UP!!!"

"Well something better get up soon, cause I'm horny. Muuh." Shira stated from her bed in a

stereotypical fat person voice. She then reached a gigantic arm out and grabbed Evan... his entire

body... she was that big. It was a 30 foot high ceiling and she engulfed two thirds of it. The room

was massive... and so was she. "Now COME ERE LOVER BOY!" She said. "I'm ready to

FUCK!!"

Evan screamed.

Josh sighed as he sat in the booth at the diner that had quickly become their headquarters the next

day. "Man. I hate working as a waiter. How do I always end up with the worst job." Josh then

looked at Evan who was pale as a sheet Literally and staring blankly at seemingly nothing.

"Dude... are you okay?" Josh asked in concern.

"Huahhh..... huahhhhah....." Evan muttered as drool dripped from his mouth.

Josh shrugged. "Yeah anyway. It was the worst first day on the job you could imagine. This guy

came in and he had human torch like powers, but he wouldn't flame off so to say, but he wouldn't

leave and then..." Josh stopped as he heard Evan mutter something under his breath. "What'd you

say?" Josh asked.

All of a sudden Evan came to life violently and grabbed his dragon friend's shirt and pulled him

across the table staring at him angrilly. "NEVER EVER COMPLIAN ABOUT YOUR WORK

AGAIN!!! EVER!!!"

"Dude..." Josh began. "What...?"

"EVER!!! YOU DRAGONY PIECE OF BITCHY SHIT!!! I WAS USED AS A BITCH FUCK

MONKEY GOD HATING DILDO BY A WOMAN THAT LOOKED LIKE MUTHA FUCKIN

JEW HATIN MOBY DICK!!!" Evan began panting heavily.... just glaring.... glaring with all his

mighty might at Josh.

"Uhm... I'm just saying is all." He muttered.

"FIFTY GOD FEARING FUCK MONKEY DOLLARS!!! FIFTY DOLLARS!!!! FUCK

FILTHY FIFTY DOLLARS!!! USED!!! USED LIKE A CUNT CLEANING, ASS WIPING,

TWAT, FUCK, COCK, SLUT, DILDO!!!!" Evan hollered.

For the first time ever.... Josh was truly afraid of Evan. Very afraid.

"So... you're a prostitute again?" Josh said quietly and in fear.

Evan just threw Josh back into his seat and walked away, gritting his teeth and stomping.

"Wow." Josh said to himself. "Just.... just wow."

Evan subconsciously transformed into the Hulk and started to shove people out of his way barely

realizing what he was doing. "Fuck, slut, cock, rape, bitch, cock, fat...." He muttered to himself as

he wandered aimlessly about Manhattan. Just then Evan saw a sign in a window that said: "Help

Wanted." Evan actually contemplated for once getting a real job. He turned into himself and then

looked up at the sign above the store indicating what type of store it was.

"Goth-Punk: You key to looking dark and scary." Evan shook his head. "Fuck that idea." He then

turned around to come face to face with... The old lady that hired him to sleep with King Kong.

"Oh it's you." She said happily as she pulled out a picture of Wolverine in his prime. "My

daughter was so pleased with your performance the other night she's decided to hire you again."

She stated excitedly.

Evan instinctively reachd for an Magnum in his pocket universe but came up with nothing. Shit!

He thought. No more pocket universe! Evan then frantically looked around for escape and

noticed the help wanted sign again. "Fuck it!"

Evan then ran into the store and turned into Dracula. "I WANT A JOB!" He screamed.

The goth-punk mutant smiled at the sight of Evan. "Sweet! You're hired dude."

Evan then jumped behind the counter as the old lady walked in. "Welcome to Goth-Punk!" He

said. "How can I help you?" He said as he started to sweat.

The old lady looked around and then walked to Evan. "I recognize your smell. You're the

whore." She said. "How about 100$ this time deary?"

Evan smiled. "How bout no. I'm legit now see? I have a real job." He said hoping to get rid of the

lady.

The old lady nodded. "Okay then sonny. I'll just be waiting outside if you change your mind."

Evan frowned. Oh god. I'm never leaving this store.

(1 week later.)

Josh sighed as he sat in the diner alone. "Where the fuck is he?" He muttered out loud. Just then

the fish lady came by and freshened his tea mug. "Your friend hasn't been by in a while Josh." She

said

Josh nodded to her. "Thanks Fish lady." He said.

She smiled. "It's Samantha." She said.

Josh smiled. "I know."

Samantha then giggled and walked away. Josh looked at his paycheck for his waiter services and

smiled. "That's $600." He thought out loud to himself. "$4400 to go." Josh then paused... "Wait

a minute when did I get good at math?" He questioned. "Maybe that math book I read to pass the

time actually stuck." He wondered out loud some more.

Just then Samantha walked by again. "Hey Scaley." She said. "Wanna stop talking to yourself?

You're freaking out the customers."

Josh looked around and blushed. "Heh.... sorry about that Fish lady." He then stood up and

headed for the door. I need some air. Maybe I'll find Evan on the way. With that he started

walking down the street in a random direction.

"JOSH!!" A familiar voice hollered from a shop he had just passed.

Josh spun around and noticed a very stereotypical looking vampire waving at him frantically to

come closer. Josh shrugged and complied. "Is that you Evan?"

Evan nodded furiously. "Get inside!! The lady is near!!"

Josh smirked at Evan and walked into the dark store. "So you're in the Goth clothing business eh?

Late hours? Zombie shifts?"

Evan frowned. "Mock me not... I've been living off of hair glue and temporary tattoos."

Josh raised an eyebrow. "Why? The hours that bad? No breaks? Boss a vampire?"

Evan shook his head after each suggestion. "No... it's her!" Evan said meekly as he pointed just

out the main window.

"The old lady that's been staring at you?" Josh questioned, looking about for other people.

"Yes... her.... she is the bringer of monetary death...." Evan said still pointing.

"Isn't money a good thing right about now?" Josh said looking at Evan as though he was insane

(and rightfully so). "I mean, I've got six hundred bucks on me... so we still have a long way

before we can pay Madrox."

"I've got $1386.... no breaks, no sleep... she'll take me Josh... she'll take me back to her!!"

Josh frowned "Damn! I've been making less than minimum wage! Lousy fuckin customers with

their .... not... tipping." Josh then sat down on a nearby goth-chair. "I made more money when I

was a chick."

"Yeah well. I can't even leave this store because of that crazy broad! She won't move! She just

sits there waiting for me to change my mind and fuck her fat bitch ass daughter again." He said in

fear. "I AIN'T GOING BACK THERE!"

Josh stroked his much bigger chin and smiled.... "You know..." He said. "This might actually be a

blessing in disguise."

Evan just stared at him blankly.

Josh continued. "Well... you've been working almost non-stop for a week and made over a

quarter of what we need to pay off Madrox for the info. The goth store owners don't seem to

mind that you spend every waking hour here.... we could just stay here til we got all the money."

"How will we get away from the old lady?" Evan asked.

Josh smiled. "Well...." He then paused.... "I don't know. But we'll work on that plan."

(3 Weeks later)

Josh stood in the doorway staring at the old ladt who sat on the bench in front of the Goth-Punk

store.

Same pose,

same expression,

no movement.

Josh then looked back to Evan who cowered behind the cash register. He then pointed frantically

at the old lady. Josh turned back around and walked up to the old broad. "Excuse me." He said.

The old lady didn't answer... she just kept staring at the store.

Josh continued. "Listen, old lady.... My friend in there, Evan; he doesn't want to be whored off to

your fat daughter. He's afraid that he'll die."

She didn't answer.

Josh frowned and steam came out of his nostrils. "You know you could at least dignify me with

an answer." He stated. Just then a fly landed on her eye.

Josh looked confused. He then moved forward and gave her a little shove.

She fell over. A loud crack noise was heard as she hit the pavement. Josh then gasped and

checked her pulse. He looked back at Evan and shook his head.

"YOU FUCKING KILLED HER!!! I JUST WANTED HER TO LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I

NEVER WANTED HER TO DIE!!!" Evan screamed at Josh as the dragon man entered the store

again.

"That's a first." Josh muttered. "Normally I would have screamed something like that."

Evan continued on. "BUT WHY DID YOU KILL HER!? THIS IS REALITY MAN!! THAT

WAS A REAL LIVE OLD LADY!"

Josh smacked Evan."Dude!" He yelled. "She's been dead for 4 weeks! She's been dead since you

came in here!"

"That's a blatant lie!" Evan protested.

"Is not!! Check her yourself!" Josh stated, defending himself. "I mean, she's partly decayed!"

Evan shifted into George Clooney and walked over to the corpse of his stalker. "Only a true

doctor would know for sure... and George Clooney is a real doctor!" He said as he lifted the old

lady's arm. Without taking a pulse or doing anything other than lifting her arm he walked over to

Josh and shook his head. "She's dead... now I have to go play Batman...." He paused for drama

and changed into George Clooney in full Batman garb and gigantic nipples. "LET'S MAKE

MONEY OFF DYING FRANCHISES!!" He yelled.

Josh just walked out of the store. "No."

He then took flight to the location that Jamie Madrox wanted them to meet him at to pay the man

off. Evan ran after him... on foot... in his batman costume. "Wait up!"

Jamie smiled as he opened the door for the pair. "Welcome to one of my many humble abodes."

He said as he lead the pair into what seemed to be a living room. Josh slumped into one of the

three couches that furnished the room. Evan sat down next to his friend, still in full Clooney form.

"Now then... you want to know the whereabouts of Mr.Fantastic, or Reed Richards... well,

money first." He said, holding out an expecting hand.

Josh leaned forward and slapped a wad of money into Multiple man's hand. He then sunk back

into the couch. "It's all there."

Jamie smiled. "I make a note of not trusting people." He stated as he leafed through the bills. He

smiled when he realized it was all there. "Well then, on to business. Reed Richards is currently in

Latveria. He's only been spotted and recognized a few times though. He's a very obscure man

these days."

"Sweet." Josh said. "Shouldn't be hard to find a big stretchy guy in Latveria... it's just a buncha

farmers and stuff right?"

"Mostly." Madrox said with a shrug.

Josh nodded and leaned back in the couch. "Y'know... it's funny. I thought that the address you'd

given us would have been some sort of shoddy warehouse or something cliche like that."

Madrox chuckled and poured himself some scotch. "I make five thousand dollars every time I

give someone a single piece of information. "I'm rolling in the dough. Sometimes literally.

Evan nodded and stood up. "Well then. I guess we'll be on our way dough boy. Have fun with

your rolling."

Josh then stood up and smiled. "Yeah. Evan loves rolls."

Josh then got hurt.

Evan and Josh touched down at the edge of the ocean in between the united states and Latveria.

"Well." Josh started. "That's the ocean. We have to cross it and then another four countries...

then we'll be at Latveria according to Madrox's map." He stated.

Evan looked at the water and then frowned. "That will be difficult."

Josh then looked at Evan with a stern face. "Did you go for wee wees first? I don't want to have

to stop."

Evan shrugged and looked at Josh with a serious expression on his face. "I figure I'll just pee in

the ocean... not everyday you can piss on sharks and stuff."

Josh just looked at him blankly. Like Blank Man "Right well here goes nothin."He then took

off in the direction of Latveria. Evan morphed into Archangel again and followed his compatriot.

Just then a pair of eyes emerged from the water and looked after the two. They then sunk back

down under the water and followed after the dynamic duo.

TBC

Author's Notes: well there's 44 for yah. Now all you'se fan boys send us fan art, and fan fics...

of our fanfics... and send fangirls.... cause Evan said so... and I agree.... but no fatties. Seriously. I

got hit on by a fat chick on MSN. It's NOT cool. Know what else is not cool? Evan gained

weight at college. FRESHMAN FIFTEEN!! FRESHMAN FIFTEEN!! Actually it's more like ten.

But still. Anywho. This is odd that we've actually managed to pump out this many chapters of SI.

Hey does anyone even read these author's notes? Probably not. Wasn't it funny when the old lady

died? I liked that part. I've never been a fan of old people. They're never as smart as they really

put on. Wink wink, nudge, nudge, coughFANBOYcough Here's Evan

(Anywho... Send me sex.... in a bottle..seriously... well, now... Josh is making me sound like I got

fat.... which I did... and It's more like the freshman 9... but none the less... it hasn't inhibited my

awesomeness.... so all I need is some sex and I can get back into shape.... SO FUCK ME

LADIES!!!.... no fat chicks....toodles)

Morden Night: 

Agasaki Ishano: 


	45. Forty, Freaken Five

Self Insertion

Chapter 45

Forty, Freaken Five

Evan panted... he panted good.... and a lot... and he swerved and bobbed and dipped in fatigue.

As he flew across the Ocean beside Josh... who was still going strong and chanting. "It's all in the

hips, it's all in the hips."

Evan groaned as the shark that had been following him after he peed on it jumped again trying to

get him. "Why didn't you tell me the ocean was this long!?" He demanded of Josh.

Josh shook his head and kept on chanting.

"FUCK YOU AND YOUR HIPS!!!" Evan screamed exasperated as he dodged another shark

attempt.

"Meh, if that's what you're into... personally, not my thing." Josh said, breaking his chant

momentarily.

"Hate you." Evan wheezed.

"IT'S ALL IN THE HIPS!!" Josh called out in response.

"That shark is getting closer." Evan asked Josh.

Josh looked over at Evan. "Actually, you've been steadily dropping in height."

"Why isn't it jumping at you?" Evan demanded.

"I didn't piss on it." Josh stated simply.

Evan groaned. "It's nothing like the brochure... peeing on sharks is just trouble."

"WHAT BROCHURE!?!" Josh called out.

Evan shrugged. "Sorry... exhaustion talking.... that's nothing like the brochure."

Josh just shook his head as Evan produced a brochure titled 'Exhausted: The silent killer of non-

sleep'. "I really hate you sometimes." Josh said as he gain some altitude.

"Maybe if you didn't fly!" Evan called out.

"What?" Josh asked as he noticed his friend starting to change back into his normal form. Josh

dove down and grasped the back of his friend's shirt and made the rest of the flight holding his

unconscious friend.

Evan awoke and rubbed his eyes... but then he realized that his eyes hurt. "AAAHHH!!! I'VE

BEEN EATEN!!! STOMACH ACIDS BAD!! STOMACH ACIDS BAD!!!"

Josh then kicked his friend with his clawed foot. "Dude. We're on land."

Evan then stopped thrashing and looked around. "Why do my eyes sting so bad?" He wondered

as he rubbed then again.

Josh pointed to the ground. "Cause I threw you in a sand dune when we landed. You probably

have some grit in your eyes." He said with a shrug as he started to walk.

Evan then looked around carefully and noticed that they were indeed in a desert. "Desert?" He

wondered. "Why are we in a desert?" He asked.

Josh turned around and frowned. "Cause you're heavy. I decided to touch down. Well hoof it for

a while before taking flight again."

Evan then got up and ran to catch up to this friend. "I thought Latveria was a place with farmers

and trees and sunshine dust."

Josh nodded. "It is. But we have to cross this desert first. The trees, farms, and the sunshine dust

come later."

Evan looked confused. "Wait... there really IS sunshine dust there?"

Josh nodded. "Yeah. I did a little reading while I was waiting for you to get back to the diner

before you got your goth job. Turns out there's a powerful drug called sunshine dust that's made

in Latveria. Guess that's where Doom gets a lot of his money."

Evan nodded. "So..... we're in a desert eh?"

"Yup."

"Guess we should start walking eh?" Evan asked.

"Already have." Josh responded pointing at their feet.

Evan looked down. "So we have. When did that happen?"

Josh shrugged. He then looked in the distance and started running.

"What's up?" Evan asked as he gave chase.

"I saw a camel." Josh said.

"Yeah I'm hungry too." Evan responded as his stomach growled as if on command.

"Grrrrr... SNARL!! ROWF!! YARG!!!" Said Evan's stomach.

Josh ignored Evan and his hunger. "No, a camel usually means that there's people nearby. We can

probably get directions."

"I thought we had a map." Evan asked in confusion.

Josh just stopped in his tracks and pulled it out of his pants. "It's pretty vague." He said as he

showed it to Evan.

Evan took it and looked at it. There was a circle that said USA, with a little bubble that said 'You

are here" marked with a little X. There was a line connected to a separate circle that said

'Latveria is here.' The line ran through an empty space that said 'Ocean' and another circle that

said 'Four countries.'"

Evan frowned and gave the map back. "I say we kill him."

Josh shrugged. "Normally I'd agree with you... but for some reason I understand this map

completely.

Evan shrugged and pulled out some goth hair glue from his pocket and started munching on it.

"Well lets hurry it up. I want to get to this Reed guy and get back to Shampoo."

Josh and Evan ran up to the top of the big sand dune where Josh saw the camel and finally got to

the top. They stopped when they saw who was on the other side of the sand dune.

Josh cleared his throat and spoke up. "Excuse me!" He called out to the people there. "Can I get

some directions to Latveria!?" He asked.

The large group of turban clad people at the terrorist camp just stared at Josh. Then a lone

terrorist lifted up and AK and shouted. "AK FORTY SEVENS FOR EVERYONE!!!" With that

the rest of the terrorists jumped up and yelled the same thing. They then all trained their weapons

on the duo, even though they all had super powers like the rest of the world and could have just

used those.

"These are my kinda people... giving us their AK forty sevens... " Evan said with a grin.

Josh looked at his friend. "Umm.. Dude... I think they only want to give us the bullets..."

Evan shook his head. "Nah... what use would bullets be without guns..... oh.... oh wait...

OH!!....OOOOH!!! They want to shoot us right?" Evan asked.

Josh refrained from slapping Evan. "Yes... they want to shoot us... now put your hands up before

they do!" Josh said as he reached for the sky (he almost touched it too)

Evan copied his friend. "Are you sure they don't want to give us their guns?" He asked as the

group of Arab men advanced on the pair.

"Pretty sure."

"How sure is pretty sure?"

"Shut up..."

"I mean.... Pretty sure could be any kinda sure." Evan said as he got prodded with a weapon.

"That guy just stabbed at you with his gun... he didn't put it in your hands... they want to kill us

dude." Josh declared.

"Fair enough." Evan said as he glared at the poking man.

Just then the terrorist's knocked them out with the butts of their guns.

Evan awoke startled.... "AHH!! SOMETHING'S TOUCHING ME!!" He screamed.

All of a sudden a pair of big hands wrapped around his mouth, shutting him up. "Shhhh." Josh

said. "The terrorists just threw us in some Osama hole...and there's something down here."

Evan's eyes widened and started to look around in the darkness. "That's bad." He stated quietly

after Josh took his hands offa his mouth.

"Yeah." Josh said. "That's bad. I've been tracking it's movements based on the sound it makes....

it's kind of a chittery gurgle. It also sounds big... but it's sticking to the shadows so I haven't seen

what it looks like."

Evan frowned. If it looks anything like Janine Garrofallo I am NOT sticking around!" he said.

"Shhh!" Josh demanded. As Evan's voice seemed to rouse the beast like thing in the darkness.

Evan shrugged and glared into the darkness. "Yeah!? Well that beast thingy can just SUCK! ON

MAH BALLS!" He screamed. Just then the creature jumped out of the darkness. It was a hairy

thing, with lots of different rows of teeth, lots of arms, with lots of big claws, and feathers on it's

back. It also had about 8 pairs of eyes.

Evan screamed as the thing was about 12 feet long, and really big in all of it's other dimensions as

well. "That's NOT A SMALL MONSTER!! THAT IS A BIG MONSTER!!!"

Evan then morphed into Wolverine and popped out some claws. He lunged at the creature and

slashed at it. "SNICKITY SNICKITY SNOOCH!!" He bellowed.

The creature brought one of it's claws down and crushed Evan on the ground. It then used it's

other claw and slashed Evan's fake morphy claws off. "AHHH!!! Evan screamed in pain as he

reverted back to his normal self.

Josh just stood back and watched in terror, not knowing what to do since all he had for a power

at the moment was..... looking like a dragon. CRAP! He thought.

Evan tried to crawl away but the beast grabbed him. It then leaned it's head in and sniffed him.

Evan had tears coming down his eyes as he prepared for the ensuing chomp that would end his

life.

It didn't come. Instead the monster licked Evan on the back of his neck and purred. Then it

brushed his hair with it's claws retracted. Josh stared in absolute shock. "I don't believe it." He

stated. The creature then looked at Josh and growled. Josh shrunk back and shut up.

The creature then moved back and purred at Evan. Evan stood back up and just stared in relief.

"Hey. It's friendly." The creature then turned around, bent over, and looked back at Evan

expectantly.

Josh looked away. "OH GOD NO!! TOO FRIENDLY!"

"WHY ME!!! WHY DO THE BIG SCARY MONSTER WOMEN WANT MY VERSION OF

LOVING!?!" Evan hollered as he dropped to his knees and performed the classic Platoon scream.

The creature then looked away form Evan and backed up towards him a little. Evan looked

around, then he made sure that the creature wasn't looking. Which it wasn't. He then started to

slowly back away towards the hole that he'd just noticed that must have been the place the

terrorists dropped them into the hole from.

The creature then turned around and pounced Evan violently with it's claws brandished

menacingly. "I DON WANNA DIE!!!" He cried as the thing drooled on him.

The creature then backed up again, turned around and bent over, looking at Evan expectantly.

Josh looked disgusted but was perfectly aware of the gravity Evan's inaction might cost them.

"Dude." He called out to the short black haired teen. "Just do it so we could go! It won't let us

unless you do!"

"ARE! YOU!! IN-FUCKING-SANE!?!?!?!?!" Evan screamed at him. The creature then growled

at him and slowly let her claws protrude. He shut his mouth fast. But he continued to mutter to

himself as tears streamed down his face. "Why couldn't I just at least keep the Saiyan powers? Or

the guyver suit? Even the Vampireness would be good now. I'd already be dead then."

"DUDE!" Josh yelled as he noticed the creature get more agitated. Evan began to cry."I'll kill you

for reading that spell wrong Josh. You'll die for this I swear!

ZIIIIIIIIIIIIIP.

(10 minutes later.)

Josh and Evan Emerged from the hole... there were no Terrorists around. "They must have just

figured we'd get killed by the thing." he siad. "They just left us in there to die."

"I did die.... slowly.... so very slowly...." Evan moaned, mostly to himself as the pair distanced

themselves from the cave's entrance.

Josh slapped Evan on the back. "You took one for the team buddy."

"I'll eat your soul..... eat your fucking soul...." Evan muttered.

Josh just looked at Evan with pity. "Dude. I promise I'll never make fun of you for having to do

that. I honestly could not make fun of..... THAT!"

Evan shivered.... when we get back to Ranmaverse... I'm making Shampoo do a Xi Fang

whatchamacallit on me. I don't want to remember. Ever... ever again.... eat your soul. (Sob)"

Josh just patted him on the back. "Lat's do the flying thing from now on. I think the sooner we

reach Reed Richards the better."

"(Sob)... soul."

Josh and Evan touched down on Latverian soil. Evan had been getting much better at flying and

was flying almost identically to Josh over the course of the five day trip. "So you really caught on

to the whole flying thing." Josh said to Evan as they started walking towards the castle of Doom

that dominated the horizon.

"I dunno.. It just came naturally.... I seen how you did it and I just picked it up... came with the

wings maybe..." Evan said.

Josh laughed. "I dunno.. You really sucked ass during our first trip.. I mean.. That shark almost

ate you..."

"Fuck you it did! I owned that shark!! See when I peed on it's head? Right in the eye hole!" Evan

declared triumphantly.

"Right right... whatever floats your boat..." Josh said as the pair continued to walk.

"Yeah... well... peeing in a shark's eye defiantly floats my boat!! FLOATS IT GOOD!!!" Evan

yelled, getting the attention of a physically mutated farmer.

"Right on." Josh said, thinking that conversation was done.

"Right on what? HUH!?! RIGHT ON WHAT!?! YOU HAD MORE TO SAY ABOUT SHARK

EYE PEE!!! I KNOW IT!!" Evan yelled, getting increasingly loud.

"No... just right on..." Josh said, throwing up the black panther fist.

"Oh... so um... how's about that weather?" Evan said, after a pause.

After a little while of walking in the castle's direction Evan looked over to his dragony traveling

companion with a raised eyebrow. "Hey.... why are we going to Doom's castle? Why would Mr

Fantastic be there? Doesn't he hate Doom? Why would he be there? Does he have Friday night

chess club there?"

Josh shook his head. "No. I read a little bit into Reed Richards and his disappearance and learned

some interesting stuff."

"Like..." Evan said, making motions for him to continue.

"Well." Josh continued. "Apparently Johnny Storm died in a battle with Doom and Namor, then

Sue and Doom apparently died in a big explosion. BUT someone in Doom armor is still

occasionally seen at castle doom, and still rules over Latveria's people. This person appeared

about the same time that Reed Richards disappeared."

Evan pshawed. "You and your stupid book learning."

Josh shrugged. Paying what Evan had just said no mind. "Whatever. It's given me a good idea of

where to find Richards anywho."

Josh and Evan stood in front of the gates of Castle Doom.

"So how do we break in?" asked Evan.

Josh shook his head. "I figure we do this thing called knocking first... see how that goes..."

Evan cocked an eyebrow. "What are you thinking!? Reed or Doom or Doom-Reed is a

megalomaniac... I can tell from the castle... he won't let people inside, and he definitely won't

open the door for a dragon-man and a shape shifter. I've played way to many video games to be

wrong!" Evan exclaimed, sounding assured of his bad guy trivia knowledge.

Josh shrugged and knocked. "We'll try my way."

Evan glared at his friend. "You've compromised the entire mission!!" He exclaimed.

Josh shrugged and waited, a moment later the door swung open to reveal Doom staring coldly at

them. "We've come to speak with Reed Richards, it's a matter of intergalactic importance." Josh

said to the old guy wearing the doom armor.

Doom stood still for a moment, turned his back on the pair and started marching into the castle.

Josh and Evan followed. "It's a fucking trap..." Evan muttered.

Josh shrugged and continued after Doom down a hallway lined with Dooms. "Well.. My way

seems to be working."

The old man in the Doom armor stopped in a large circular room furnished with an elaborate

Desk and some chairs as well as various lab equipment. "Now what is this matter of intergalactic

importance?"

"Well.. To be honest, it's more inter-dimensional in nature..." Josh said as the trio took separate

chairs.

Doom waved a hand. "None the less, continue.... you have my ear." He said.

Josh just looked around..... "Uh... we don't want your ear. We wanted to talk to Reed Richards.

He's not you... cause you're Doom... except it looks like you've finally gotten Plastic surgery for

those burns. Cause that's what you should have done a while back... y'know instead of becoming

all evil and blaming Reed and threatening his life everyday... Plastic Surgery would have solved

everything from the get go."

Doom just looked at Josh confusedly. "I am Reed Richard."

Evan stood up, looked at Josh, then looked at Reed. "MIND BLOW!!! YOU'VE BEEN

FIGHTING YOURSELF ALL THESE YEARS!!! How'd it feel to finally realize that you were

constantly hating yourself.... it must've been weird... and metaphorical... filled with metaphors."

Reed looked at the two teenage mutants and then looked to Josh. "What you said at least made

'some' sense." He stated before looked to Evan. "I just had no idea what you were talking about.

Who are you boys?"

"Well... I'm Josh." Josh sated.

"And I'm Dan Marie Timbers." Evan said proudly.

"He's Evan." Josh said.

"DAMN IT!!" Evan screamed at Josh. "I almost had him FOOLED!"

Josh shrugged. "Anyway Mr. Richards... we're really lost. We we're in our dimension... and then

we read this spell thingy and we were put in THIS dimension... and we want to go back. And I'm

to understand that you've had some success with inter-dimensional travel."

Reed shook his head. "I don't think I could do that very well anymore. I'm getting to old for that

stuff."

"Please?" Josh asked...

"Okay." Reed said with a nod. "But I'm not going with you if I'm able to figure this out."

Evan looked confused. "We never asked you to."

Reed stood up and smiled. "Well I remember in the old days, if there was a portal, me and Johnny,

and Ben, and Sue, would just jump on through it there. Good times. Good time."

Josh just looked at the old man. "We're screwed."

"Y'know..." Reed started as he walked around the table. "I noticed you mention that you used a

spell... so I guess that means magic.... I don't know too much about magic.... nothing at all

actually. You probably would have been better off with Dr. Strange." He said.

Josh stood up and frowned. "Uhh... I think he's dead. I clearly recall seeing his obituary in the

paper."

Evan looked confused.......... again. "Didn't Doom use to live here? Wasn't he all... into that

magic stuff? Wouldn't he have libraries filled with magic all over the place?" He asked the old

man named Reed.

Reed looked at the table he was just sitting at and lifted his coffee mug off a magic book. "You

mean these coasters here?"

Josh snatched the book from Reed. "GIMME THAT! Yah douche bag." Josh wiped some coffee

off the cover and then opened it up. "Hmmm... I think I'm going to have to learn how to read all

this magic stuff first before I can start looking for the spell." He said to Evan.

"Whatchoo talkin bout willis?" Evan asked.

"Look." Josh said as he showed the contents of the book to the shape shifter. "This isn't written

in English. It's some OTHER language. I'll have to decipher it first."

"I remember having to learn that gibberish back in the day... weird stuff that magic text is... till

you find a book that helps translate it all... Maybe the library would have one..... Willis...." Evan

said, morphing into Gary Coleman.

Josh nodded. "Well... let's find this library... Hey Reed! Where do you keep the coasters?"

Reed shrugged. "Found them in the West wing."

Josh nodded again and started off. He returned moments later. "Where exactly is this West

wing.... per say..."

Reed pointed down the hall and sat down. "That'a way."

Josh nodded a third time and walked, that'a way. Evan followed.

TBC

Author's Notes: (I'M FIRST!!! WHOOT WHOOT!!! WHOOT!!!....whoot.... that got old fast...

anywho... one more chapter of SI done... one less chapter.. Um... not done......so there!!

WHOOT!!!! I'm leaving now.... bye.)

I don't feel too good right now..... I think that those BBQ chips were bad or something.... or

maybe the French Onion dip.... but it was too good to have been bad. Well whatever the case...

We're done another chapter.... waitaminute.... is that expiry date February 03 as in third? Or is it

February 03 as in 2003? That's not a good question to have to ask your self.... Anywho this

chapter goes out to Marky Mark.. The fanboy.... er... fan old man? I don't even know anymore! I

quit! But I don't quit SI. Is it just me or are my rants getting longer than Evan's? I'm out now.

Bye folks.

Morden Night: 

Agasaki Ishano: 

Take that!


	46. The return of ‘all of a sudden’

Self Insertion

Chapter 46

The return of 'all of a sudden.'

Josh opened another door and frowned as he closed it again. "Nope. No books in here either."

On the other side of the hall Evan did much the same thing. "Yeah nothing on this side either.

Man how long does this hallway go on for?"

Josh shrugged, his dragon wings lifting up slightly. "Hell should I know? I've never been to Castle

Doom before."

Evan checked another door and closed it. "Yeah well you read all those Fantastic Four comics

before right? You should know this crap."

Josh shrugged. "Comics don't really have maps to all the locations used in them." Josh then

opened a big set of double doors and smiled as he turned to Evan. "Hey I found it!"

Evan turned into the Lucky Charms leprechaun. "Ye found ME GOLD!"

Josh stared in awe at the massive amounts of bookcases. Each shelve dedicated solely to magic.

"Wow. Doom sure liked magic."

Evan looked on in stunned awe. "I'm in heaven."

Josh walked over to the first bookshelf and picked out a book. He blew the dust off of it and

opened it up. After scanning through it for a few seconds he sighed and closed it. "I can't read

this."

"What?" Evan asked. "What do you mean you can't read it? Is it all worn out?" He then grabbed

the book from him and looked over it himself.

"Different language." Josh said.

"No problem." Evan said with a smile. "Remember what happened last time we used that spell? I

was able to pick up ANYTHING I read. All I gotta do is look at these symbols and stuff one at a

time and in no time I'll be able to understand them." He then picked up a couple more books and

sat at a nearby table.

Josh nodded and grabbed a couple of his own. "Good Idea. I'll try to find some in English or

Japanese or something."

Josh then sat down across from Evan and began to look through books one at a time.

Josh had found a translation book quickly in his search and was now going through books like

nothing. It had been strange to him how easy it was to learn and maintain all the knowledge that

he had read. He had never been known for having a very good memory in his time, but for some

reason now he could remember in detail every written word that he had come across since

entering this world in vivid detail. Josh mentally shrugged his shoulders as he continued to read

the magic books. He had tried some of the spells that he had read about and every one he tried

had been an astounding success on the first try.

Evan on the other hand was having a terribly difficult time with his reading. He was still trying to

figure out the magic language that Josh had mastered hours ago. Evan had managed to mimic the

spells that he had watched Josh perform... but that was all. "God damn it." Evan noted as he

slammed a book closed. "What the hell happened to my super reading ability?" He moped.

Josh shrugged. "I dunno." Just then his eyes bugged out. "DUDE! I think I found it!"

Evan jumped from his seat at the large table and crossed over to where Josh was. "WHERE!"

He screamed. "I got some Shampoo I need to be humping right now! Let's get going!"

Josh put up his big clawed hand to shush his friend. "Hold on. We're not getting out of here just

yet. This is a map to the spell. Apparently in this world it's in three locations scattered about the

planet, with this book being the first part."

Evan groaned. "We've only got a THIRD of the spell? God damn it!"

Josh smiled and stood up. "It's no problem. We both have the ability to fly so we don't have to

worry about transportation."

"Yeah but with our luck... something will go wrong and we'll end up having to get around,

mutants, or monsters, or demons, or martial artists, or SOMETHING that generally wants to

harm us." He stated.

Josh nodded. "True..." He then shrugged. "Oh well. You wanna bone Shampoo again or not?"

Evan thought about that for a second. Then he thought about the sexual exploits that he had to

put up with on this world thus far. "FUCK YEAH! Either way I want out of this piece of shit

reality."

Josh nodded and he and Evan began walking down the corridor towards the castle's exit. He then

looked at Evan questioningly. "So how's Shampoo in the sac? You seem smitten. That's not

normal for you."

Evan smiled. "Dude. You have NO idea."

Josh just laughed and they continued on their way.

Josh flipped through the book quickly. "So the first part of the spell we need to find is in the

possession of the Black Panther in.."

"ZIMBABWE!" Evan yelled, cutting Josh off as he thrust his fists in the air and started doing a

mock African dance.

"No... just.. No." Josh said to Evan shaking his head in disprovement.

"Oogachucka Oogachucka!" Evan replied as he danced around Josh gaining the attention of some

of the people walking by.

"It's in Wakanda... and stop dancing jackass." Josh said regarding Evan in disgust.

"But I've got the MUSIC in ME!" Evan Protested as we started thrusting his pelvis in rhythm

with his chanting.

Josh just shook his dragon head and walked a-dragon-way, taking flight a few moments later in

the direction of Wakanda.

Evan smiled and morphed his ass some wings.

Josh sighed as he stood atop a mountain with Evan next to him. "So..." Josh said as he looked

around at the frozen wasteland that stretched out beyond them. "Any idea where the hell we are?"

"Clearly this is Texas." Evan said holding his chin and looking very ponderous.

Josh sighed. "I should have read a map before we left."

Evan pondered that. "Hey I've been thinking." Evan started, continuing his ponderosity. "Do you

think girl Ranma would recognize you? Or if she still exists? God DID rewind time in all the

dimensions remember."

Josh looked a little disappointed. "Dang. Hadn't thought of that. Oh well... I'll figure out some

way to split up Ranma and his curse again and get her back... It'll be easy."

Evan looked at him like he was an idiot. "You're an idiot." He stated, while idiotically doing

something idiotic. Use your imagination

Josh grimaced as the idiotic thing played out. "Anyway, let's go thata way." Josh said as he

pointed thata way.

Evan shrugged and they went thata way.

As Josh and Evan continued to fly in thata direction they soon arrived at thata place. Where they

luckily met thata guy.

"Hey!" Evan stated happily as they touched down on thata ground. "You're that guy!"

Josh then punched Evan in the back of the head and glared at him.

Evan chuckled and rubbed the back of his head. "Right... sorry. I meant 'thata guy'."

"Do I know you two?" asked Captain America.

"No." Josh said. "But we both know you."

"It's BWD!" Evan stated.

"My name is Captain America." He stated proudly. "Or at least I was!" He glared at the two with

a hard gaze.

Josh's face fell. "Oh... never mind then. I thought you were Bruce Willis." Josh spread his wings

and took to the sky. "Sorry to trouble you."

Evan looked Captain America over. "Are you sure you aren't Bruce Willis?"

Captain America glared at the boy. "Yes."

Evan shrugged and followed Josh.

"Or at least... I was..." Captain America said as a single tear fell from his eye.

3 weeks later the two arrived on Wakandan soil finally having stopped to get directions. Evan

smiled as he became George Clooney and strutted through the Wakandan jungle. "Man did you

see when I pooped on the shark?"

Josh chuckled. "That was pretty funny. Steve Dave would have loved that one."

"2." Evan corrected with a smile. He then frowned and started walking through the jungle.

"Man... all this talk of poop makes me hungry."

"I think it's the 2 week flight that made you feel hungry actually." Josh corrected his wayward

friend.

Evan shook his head. "Nope. It was the poop. I got the shark right in the mouth."

ALL OF A SUDDEN (Booyakka) A trio of half-panther, half-person things popped out of the

bush and started jibbering to Evan and Josh while waving spears at the pair.

Evan cocked an eyebrow. "So...um... are you guys going to sing or something?"

Josh smiled as he saw all the panther..ites? "Hey Evan! I read something about this. These are

actual panthers! Regular ones. They've just been mutated like the rest of earth's populace!"

Evan began to drool as he stared in the panther...ans? Position. "LETS EAT EM!"

All of a sudden there was a barbecue. Josh's dragon breath made quick work of the panther flesh

and Evan morphed into Wolverine to skin them so they could use their pelts as blankets.

"Evan smiled later that night as he snuggled up to the panther pelt. "I just love sleeping in my

enemies skins." He stated.

Josh smiled and dragon-nodded. "Yeah. They're pretty warm." He said as he scratched his

dragonballs. "Well I guess tomorrow we should start looking for T'chala tomorrow." He stated

before yawning.

"Who?" Evan asked.

"The Black Panther."

"BLACK POWER!" Evan shouted as he shot one of his fists into the air.

"What the fuck? NO! JUST NO! Black Panther is a person! We have to find him cause he has the

other part of the spell." Josh said flabbergasted.

"Black Panther eh?... Didn't we just eat an entire tribe of panther people?. What if he was one of

them?" Evan asked.

Josh froze in mid ball scratch. "Oh shit." He then held up the head of his blanket and fearfully

looked to it. "T'chala?" He asked with a tear in his dragon eye.

"What?"

"AAAAAAHH!" Josh screamed as he jumped out of his enemies skin. Standing behind him was

T'chala, leader of the Wakandan people and holder of the second part of the spell. The only way

you could actually tell him apart from the other panther people was because unlike them T'chala

had a lot of bling.

Evan looked the panther man over and nodded. "Black Power."he said with the same fist pumping

action.

T'chala, having just arrived at the scene gasped as he just realized that these two people had

skinned, eaten, and slept in his people. "CAPTURE THESE MOTHER FUCKERS!" He

screamed in absolute rage in a high pitched squeally voice.

Josh just looked ponderous as droves of mutants arrived on the scene. "Y'know..." He asked

Evan as they were dragged away. "I expected a him to have a deeper voice... being black and all."

"And I expected grits... but we don't all get what we want."

Josh looked confused as they were dragged towards a primitive looking village. "What's a grits?"

He asked, totally confused.

Evan shrugged... "Eggs... bacon... fried chicken... I dunno. Grape soda? I figure it's some

wiggity whack black slang sorta like watermelon."

"Evan... Watermelon isn't slang... That's what it's called!"

Evan nodded. "Yeah, by those people!" He said as he pointed to their captors.

"STOP TALKING INFIDELS!" Cried T'chala as he knocked them both unconscious."

Evan awoke in a daze. "The fuck?" he asked himself as he noticed that he was in a hanging cage.

He looked around quickly and noticed that Josh was in similar predicament.

"Ah... the murderers awaken." A high voice stated from below.

"Um... You mean Josh?" Evan said, trying to get himself out of trouble. "I mean... I didn't kill any

of them... just sorta, alleviated them of their skin... they were still alive after that. I think they

mostly died around the burning agony phase... that's his department." He said pointing to the

dragon man in his dragon-cage.

"Hmmmm." T'chala stated. "I don't believe you. But I will ask the dragon man as well. If his

story matches yours. You will be allowed to live. AWAKEN THE OTHER PRISONER!" He

screamed with his high pitched screaming voice.

"OW!" Josh screamed back as he awoke with a Tomahawk lodged in his ass.

"YOU! SCALY MAN! TELL ME YOUR PART IN THE DEATH OF MY WARRIORS!" Screamed screamy T'chala in a screamy voice which screamed screamingly.

Josh blink blinked. "Um... I breathed death on them I guess."

T'chala seemed to take this in for a minute. "Well.. I guess that matches."

"SEE?" Evan yelled as he pointed to Josh. "IT'S ALL HIS FAULT!"

T'chala nodded and motioned for his peeps to let Evan down. Evan came down from his hanging

cage a moment later and started strutting away as Jay Z. "Oh Sheeeit! I'm da biz-omb."

Before he could leave the structure two guards stopped him and Evan turned back to T'challa.

"What gives?" He said, morphing back into himself. "You said I could go!"

"You may. However, you must perform one deed of atonement in the name of my people... or I

will execute your friend!" T'chala demanded.

Evan half smirked. "Aaaannnd?"

Josh looked surprised at this and then looked to Evan worriedly. "DO ITY MAN! THEY MEAN

BUSINESS! I'VE ALREADY GOT A TOMAHAWK IN MY ASS!"

"Alright fine." Evan said with a frown. "What's this crazy mission I have to do?"

T'chala shrugged. "It matters not. Just do something, anything with a good heart and intentions of

purity. Save a life, expand Wakandan land, whatever's you feel is a mighty task of justice.".

Evan looked thoughtful. "I feel that ethnic cleansing is a mighty act of justice. Can I do that? I'll

start with the negros."

"WHAT? NO! What's wrong with you?" T'chala questioned.

Evan shrugged and then his arms started to sway to his own made up rhythm.

Josh looked on in horror. "NO! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"

Evan's feet began to pick up and shuffle around and match the rhythm.

T'chala looked around at his guards. "Whatthefuckishedoing?"

"TIME FOR MY MIGHTY JUSTICE DANCE!" Evan hollered as he began to sorta flap his

arms around and kick stuff on the ground.

T'chala pointed to the exit. "Something else. Now leave."

Evan hung his head. "Aww... I thought the justice dance was a shoe in."

Josh began to hyperventilate. "Imgoingtodieimgoingtodieimgoingtodie." he repeated as a fast

mantra.

As Evan reached the door T'chala called out to him. "Oh... and um.. You only have a week."

Evan shrugged and continued to walk. "Gotcha."

Evan smiled as he danced and jigged his way through the forests of Wakanda. "Gonne find me a

damsel in distress. Gonne get me some justice in the pants. Gonna one day defeat pants man too.

I'll bet religion wise he's a filthy jew." He sang. Followed by a lot of doo's. "Doody doo doo doo

doo doo doo!"

All of a sudden Evan heard a scream to his left. "Looks like T'chala ran into some problems." he

said as he started jogging in the direction of the scream.

When he arrived at the scene of the scream he saw a terrible(or amusing depending on your point

of view) sight. In a small cannibal looking village of Orangutang people there stood a lone

Panther woman who was being bitch slapped around.

"So much tang!" Evan said as he also noticed that the Orangutang peoples were all drinking

glasses of orange liquid. "The TV was right!"

Evan then ducked down in the bushes he was at and picked up some mud from a nearby mud

puddle. "Solid Snake style. That's the plan." He then put the mud down and morphed into Solid

Snake.

Evan then scanned his surroundings for weapons. After some searching he found a cast aside

spear. He nodded thoughtfully and picked up a passing snake and started eating it. "Mmm.

Tasty."

2 hours later. "Evan coninued to munch on snake flesh and sighed. "This is the life." All of a

sudden he heard a scream again followed by more bitch slap sounds. He quickly dropped to a

crouch and put one hand to his ear. "Otacon?" He then looked up and noticed that the

Orangutans looked tired, but were still bitch slapping the panther while taking shifts drinking tang.

"Hmmm... guess I should save her." He said as a snake passed by. He shuddered visably. "Must...

resist.. Snake food!"

The snake, who was also half human like all the other animals (counting the snakes he had eaten

earlier) "Yeah, you better resist, or I'ma whoop your ass." The snake then looked around and

gasped. "OH MY GOD! MY PEOPLE! CAPTURE... URK!" Evan shrugged, as he let the

spear that he shived the bastard with drop to the ground. "One more snake... THEN I'll eat her...

I mean save her..." Evan paused. "for dinner..."

The Orangutang leader smiled as he blew a conch. "Break time! Let the prisoner alone and have

some delicious, all natural(with some additives and preservatives), healthy, TANG! Lest we get

scurvy again." The village let out a mighty ook of approval and rushed off to their respective

homes and drink tang.

Evan smiled as he just strolled into the village, picked up the unconscious cat girl and walked

back out. "Sneaky." He stated as he made his way back to the Wakandan city/village/thing of

T'chalas.

The orangutans after having their tang walked out of their respective homes and looked around.

The panther girl was gone. "Hmmm..." thought the leader. "She must have escaped. He then

shrugged and lifted up a spear. "LETS FIND A SNAKE PERSON AND FEAST MY

BRETHREN!"

Another mighty ook of approval sounded out in the day and they all lifted up glasses of tang and

gave thumbs up.

Evan smiled as he entered the room where Josh was being held captive and dropped the Panther

girl off at T'chala's panthery feet. "There. I performed a mighty act of justice." He said still

dressed as solid snake.

T'chala looked confused. "Who are you?"

Evan smiled and turned into a duck. "I am the treat in your cereal box, the crispy in your crunch,

the... Evan in your... pants?"

Evan shrugged and then turned back into his normal self. "Ah hell I'm Evan."

T'chala frowned as he looked down at the downed bruised and beaten panther girl. "This is your

act of justice? You beat up one of my people? CEASE HIM!"

Evan waved his hands in front of him. "HOLD ON MR. HASTY PANTS!" He yelled. "I

SAVED THIS LADY THING FROM EVIL MONKIES!...Monkeys who all... drank... TANG!"

T'chala gasped. "The TANGUTANGS! You encountered them and survived? They are a

dangerous rebel tribe that goes against all Wakandan law."

Evan looked thoughtful and smirked. "Y'know... I somehow knew that they were called that."

All of a sudden the panther girl at T'chalas feet began to awake. "Oh... What happened?" She

muttered. She then remembered about the Tangutangs and their torturous 3 week beating of her

and looked around frantically and scared. "NO MORE!" She screamed.

She then noticed T'chala. "My lord! You've rescued me!" She stated with a large smile upon her

face. She then jumped to embrace him but was stopped.

"It is not I who rescued you." T'chala began. "It was this brave outsider." He stated as he pointed

towards Evan.

"You mean I have to..." She began.

T'chala nodded. "It's the law."

Evan looked around confused, then shrugged and walked over to Josh, trying to ignore the two

pantherites. "Okay. Let's get you down." He said as he gestured regally towards the cage like

T'chala had done to his cage. The surrounding Pantherians just stared at him and shook their

heads 'no'.

T'chala shook his head and then made the same gesture and the cage came down. Evan looked

confused. "How do you DO that?" He asked.

Josh smiled and stretched his wings. "That's much better." All of a sudden a Panther woman

latched herself to Evan. It was the same one that he'd rescued. "Say what?"

Evan paused, took a deep breath and then started running around screaming with the pantheran

on his back.

"Uhm... did I miss something?" Josh asked T'chala.

T'chala chuckled. "Wakandan law states that all outsiders that save the life of an opposite gender

Wakandan must marry them. It's very touching really."

Josh sighed. "Joketsuzoku all over again." He then grabbed Evan's shirt on his next panicked pass

and held him in place. "Hey dude. Stop running. You're engaged to her now."

"Again!" Evan grimaced. "Goddamn it all! Every time I help someone... or kick their ass... or

help kicking their..."

Josh cut him off. "No... just no."

"What if I don't want to?" He asked T'chala.

"You die."

"Had to be something like that... can't you just kill Josh?" Evan offered weakly.

T'chala shook his head. "Nope. You've already passed up the chance to sacrifice him for your

own survival."

"Thanks." Josh noted.

"I fucking hate you." Evan stated back.

TBC

Author's Notes: Yes... well this chapter has certainly been a visit to old SI stylings now hasn't

it? We must have used "All of a sudden" like... 6 times. Now... I'm going to do the classic batman

thing: Ahem..."WILL THE BOYS ESCAPE WAKANDA WITH THE SPELL? WILL EVAN

MARY A PANTHER? WILL THEY EVER RETURN TO THE RANMA VERSE? TUNE IN

NEXT TIME! SAME SI TIME! SAME SI CHANNEL!

I think that works pretty well... We should do that at the end of every chapter. Eh Evan?

(Yes, batman is sexy... anywho...good ol Tangutangs... yup.. Once again, old Evan has absolutely

nothing to say. FEAR MY NOTHINGINGNESS...ISM! All in all that went well... All of a sudden

kicks ass... so yeah we should be pumping out more SI goodness than an Irish mother pumps out

babies! More goodness than a dutch hooker midget! More filthy filthy humourous humour than...

um... Jerry Sienfeld on Smack... or something... I don't really know... actually... WHAT'S THE

DEAL WITH THAT?)

Well that's all from us. If you need us: We'll be thata way.

Morden Night: Ishano: 


	47. Furries are bad

Self Insertion

Chapter 47

Furries are bad.

Evan groaned as the Wakandan minister started to wrap up the wedding. Evan had made it as

difficult as possible, asking for a western marriage, a fifteen foot cake and all the shrimp he could

eat. Yet the Wakandan people managed to pull it all off, even the shrimp, which apparently was

hard to come by in this world.

"And do you, Evan McNeely, take this woman as your lawfully wedded wife?"

Evan snapped to attention. "52!" Evan then looked around in confusion. "Sorry.. Math class

flashbacks."

The minister nodded. "So.. Do you take this woman as your wife?"

Evan hesitated and was rewarded with a spear in the ass. "Wouldn't that be bestiality?" The spear

poked harder, drawing a bit of blood. "Yes I do."

"And do you, Mee'yaow Hissnscratch take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" He

asked the furry girl beside Evan in the white wedding gown.

"Yes."

"Well then I now pronounce you man and wife. Now go make babies." He said.

As Evan and Mee'yaow walked back down the isle T'chala stopped them. "I know it is not the

custom in your land, but here I must pass my blessings on to you and your litter.

"Your blessing my trash?" Evan asked in confusion.

T'chala paused and raised an eyebrow. "No... I mean... your children."

Evan crossed his arms and turned away. "Well I don't want your stinky blessings."

"All people married in Wakanda must receive my blessings on penalty of death." He said with a

murderous look in his eye.

Evan sweated as he turned back around. "What is it with you people and the death penalty?

Worse than Texas." he paused and turned to Josh. "I TOLD YOU WE WERE IN TEXAS!"

Josh shrugged. "Okay. You were right."

T'chala then placed his hands on both Mee'yaow and Evan's shoulders and smiled widely. "Now I

give my blessing to these two. May their litter be strong and prosperous." T'chala then leaned in

and planted a big wet kiss on Evan's lips, followed by one of the same nature on his wife.

Evan's shocked expression told everyone what he thought of T'chala's blessing. Evan tried to

regain composure and then coughed. He looked down and noted the small amount of hair he had

just spit out. "That's fucking gross."

Josh just looked on in surprise. "That's fucked up."

Evan then walked along with his new trophy wife(to be mounted later). Towards a small building

with a sign that said 'honeymoon baby making shanty AKA loveshack'.

Josh chuckled and started singing to himself as they entered. "Love shack! Baby love shack!"

Several minutes later Evan came out of the love shack and coughed. A hairball came out and

landed at Josh's feet who was waiting for his friend. "That's a lot of fucking hair." He said.

"Shall we ask T'challa for the spell thing now?" He asked his newly married pal.

Evan picked some hair from his teeth and nodded. "Yeah why the hell not.. I deserve some dowry

shit after that. Yeah I think we're done here."

With that our heroes made their way to T'chala's magical palace.

The two boys stood in the grand hall of T'chalas magical palace throne room before T'challa who

sat on a throne with Storm by his side. "...So that's our predicament." Josh said. "And we need

your piece of the map and one other piece before we can depart from this world.

"No." T'challa stated.

Josh and Evan frowned. "Aw come ON! WHY NOT?" Evan whined.

T'challa held a finger up. "First off whining is punishable by death. Secondly this parchment has

been protected by my family for millennia. I cannot just give it to you!" T'chala said.

Josh made a puppy-dragon face. "Please?"

"Okay... but you have to take Mee'yaow with you." He demanded.

"Fucking hate you." Evan stated.

T'challa put a finger up again and smiled. "Hating is punishable by death."

"We're leaving." Josh said.

Evan lingered for a second as Josh walked off. "What about loathing?"

"Death."

"Disliking?"

"Death."

"Thinking you are a poopyhead?"

"Death... but anyone else is fine."

"I'm with Josh. I'm leaving."

As Evan and Josh walked out the door of T'challa's magical palace they heard a bellow from

behind them. "LEAVING IS ALSO PUNISHABLE BY DEATH!"

Evan looked to one of the nearby guards. "How do you people survive?"

The guard shushed him quickly. "Don't tell him we are! Surviving is punishable by death!"

Josh smiled as he stood at the edge of the village. "Well that's one down. Just one left to go. Shall

we off guys?"

Evan nodded. "Right. All people with the ability to fly. LETS GO!" Evan then sprouted his

archangel wings and took off.

"Ahem." Josh coughed. Stopping Evan in his aerial tracks. "Aren't you forgetting something?" he

said motioning toward Mee'yaow.

"Well... she does have breasts... I guess she can come." He said as he swooped down and landed

next to her. "Grab on to something hard!" Evan called out.

Mee'yaow nodded and took hold of Evan's erection. Josh looked down in confusion as he noticed

this. "What the fuck happened to your pants?" He asked.

"Wearing pants is punishable by death." Evan said with tears streaming down his face. "I'm just

starting to love this place."

Josh sighed. "Good thing I'm wearing shorts I guess."

All of a sudden a small volley of spears rushed past Josh and T'chala called out from the ground

"SHORTS ARE PUNISHABLE BY DEATH!" He paused for a moment and flipped through a

book. "SO IS FLYING! AND BREATHING MY AIR!"

Josh growled and took flight with Evan and Mee'Yaow hot on his tail. "That's it! I'm fucking

sick of this place!"

And so our heroes continued their excellent adventure to find the spell so that they could get back

to the universe where they could have lots of sex with the princesses. Ranma and

Shampoo(Even though Ranma is a boy...) Only sometimes

Josh smiled as he stood on the outskirts of Japan. "Okay. That was a nice long flight. But we

made it. The next piece of the spell should be here somewhere." Josh's stomach then growled.

"Guess we should get something to eat first."

He then looked over to Evan who had gotten some pants at some point and was currently

munching on one of Mee'Yaow's arms. "Uhm num num."

Mee'Yaow just looked annoyed. "Husband. Stop that."

"ME SO HUNGY!"

"Yeah... let's go grab some ramen or something." Josh suggested as Evan let go of his weasel like

death lock on Mee'Yaow's arm.

And so our heroes got ramen.

"Well now that we've eaten, and been chased by liver pirates. Lets look for the last part of the

spell." Evan suggested as they walked down the streets of some small Japanese district.

"Yeah!" Josh seconded. "Although I must say. The Japan of this world is very strange. I mean...

Pirate doctors that steal people's livers? That's fucked up."

"It was so funny of an adventure though." Mee'Yaow stated with a chuckle. "It's a shame the

readers of this fanfic will never get to read about it."

"Yeah." Evan stated. "The writers of this are fuckers."

"What the fuck are you two talking about?" Josh asked.

Evan shrugged. "Actually... I don't know... It sorta felt like we were in some kinda story or

something..."

"Yes... well... SHAPOW!" Josh screamed as he punched Evan in the face. (He knows too

much.) Josh cleared his throat and took out the book that had the first two pieces of the spell and

the map. "Well we shouldn't have to search too long. It's actually right around this area."

"Oh... Is that it?" Evan asked, pointing to a building.

Josh shook his head. "Nope."

"How's about that?" Evan asked, pointing at a passing crab lady.

"No.. Stop suggesting things... I hate you." Josh said.

After a few hours the group finally came across a grocery store. "Of Doom... the best of the local

grocers." Josh read out as they came upon the place.

"The Grocery store of doom?" Evan asked. "Does Victor run this place?"

"One way to find out." Mee'Yaow said as she walked towards the doors.

Evan snickered as he leaned over to Josh. "She doesn't even know who I was talking about... I

meant Victor Von Doomite.. Hehehe."

"You're dumb." Josh said as he followed his friends wife. "And a furry."

"I'm ashamed because it's true." Evan said as he hung his head and followed his compatriots.

The grocery store was a normal grocery store. There was normal food, save for the absence of

meat, and there was nothing unnatural about it. "Why would a piece of a spell be in here?" Josh

wondered.

Evan shrugged. "Lets start killing people and find out."

Josh slapped Evan with a rolled up newspaper. "No Evan! Bad! This is reality remember? No

random killing anymore!"

"But I likes it so." Evan said as he turned into Gollum of Lord of the Rings fame.

"Well forget it. We're here for one reason and one reason only. To get back to the women we

love so we can bone them!" He shouted with pride.

"Ahem." Came Mee'Yaow's voice. "Evan... is there another girl besides me in your life?" she

asked with an angry glare.

"Yup. But she's umm... deadish... cause we don't know each other anymore cause of something

that um... I BLAME JOSH!" Evan shouted as he pointed at Josh and ran to the back of the

store.

Josh pondered that for a moment. "Is that one my fault? I don't remember." Josh shrugged and

continued. To search the grocery store of doom for the spell piece.

Mee'Yaow just stood there and fumed. Then she licked herself, and continued to do so to her

entire body. Not a good thing for a Cat girl to do in Japan of all places.

All most instantly a swarm of semi-formed mutated fan-boys dressed in various Sailor Moon and

Inuyasha cosplay costumes (Men of this creed commonly chose the female leads to dress as and

neglect to shave) all of them chanting "CAT GIRL!" surrounded Mee'Yaow. After a moment of

shouting and bodies touching uncomfortably, the crowd dispersed and Mee'Yaow was nowhere

to be seen.

A few minutes later Evan and Josh met back at the Grocery store entrance. "I found the spell."

Josh said. "It was printed on this roll of toilet paper. Apparantly Japan recycled all magical

documents but since they were magical their writing would form on what ever they used it to

make, Creating the ever popular 'Harry Potter' brand Tp."

"GREAT!" Evan screamed as he jumped in the air and made the victory sign. "Lets get out of

here." He demanded. "Shampoo sex awaits me!"

"Wait a minute." Josh stated, looking around. "Where's Mee'Yaow?" He asked.

"Fuck her! Let's go. Read the spell. Comeon Comeon Comeon Comeon Comeon Comeon

Comeon Comeon Comeon Comeon Comeon Comeon Comeon Comeon Comeon Comeon

Comeon Comeon Comeon Comeon Comeon Comeon!"

"No! We have to get Mee'Yaow first! You promised you'd take her with you! Not to mention,

who KNOWS what a cat girl might suffer in Japan of all places! We have to rescue her!" Josh

said noble like as he pointed to the sky.

"DAMN YOU NO!" Evan screamed as he grabbed the pieces of the spell and tried to read them.

"NOOO! THEY'RE WRITTEN IN JIBBERISH!"

"That's ancient Argole, a magical text that it's written in. I can read it just fine." Josh said.

"That's ancient JIBBERISH! A magical text that SUCKS!" Evan screamed back.

"Yes well... let's go find her.. And you must help because I HOLD THE ONLY CHANCE

YOU'LL EVER HAVE OF BANGING SHAMPOO AGAIN! MWAAHAHAHAHA!" Josh

bellowed triumphantly.

Evan hung his head. "I hate you."

Josh sighed as he followed the directions that a energy mutant had given him with Evan following

behind lazily. "Are we there yet?" Evan asked.

Josh sighed. "No we're not there yet. Stop bitching. God don't you want to see your wife again?"

Josh asked.

Evan groaned. "Yeah about that. I kind of like Shampoo and am trying to get back TO her. I only

married Mee'Yaow to save my life. If we were still super DUPER powerful like before I wouldn't

have had to."

"Yeah well you said you'd take here dude." Josh explained. "I'm holding you to that for T'challa.

He did give us the spell after all."

"And tried to kill us for wearing pants and breathing his air." Evan interjected.

Josh shrugged. "Ah! We're coming up on the place. We're sure to find Mee'Yaow here." And

with that Josh and Evan made their way to the entrance of "Ani-Con.

Evan smiled. "Maybe I could pick up some anime while we're here. Haven't been to an anime

convention in ages." He mentioned as he entered after his dragon friend.

The inside of the convention was filled with thousands of Japanese teenagers of various mutant

powers. All of which were geeks on some level. Most of which were dressed up as sailor senshi or

cat girls of some kind. "Holy crap." Josh said. "This could take some time."

Mee-Yaow smiled as another fanboy fed her some grapes. She didn't even have to do anything.

She just sat there and relaxed while several Japanese boys fed her, massaged her, and bowed and

scraped to her every whim. She liked it. It was much better than being bitch slapped by Tang

monkeys.

All she had to do in return was pose for some pictures in front of a mirror. This was the simple

life. She could have never dreamed of a life this good back in her village in Wakanda. Being

married to Evan was starting to look pretty sweet in her eyes.

"Hmm... I wonder where Evan is?" She wondered out loud to herself.

Evan smiled as he walked through the crowds of fanboys and girls. "YO ANYONE SEEN A

CAT GIRL AROUND? I"M LOOKING FOR A CAT GIRL!" He yelled.

Josh was walking right behind him and smiling. "Well if this doesn't work then nothing will." He

stated.

Just then as Evan was stopped by an extremely obese cat girl mutant. "Hey there cutey!" The fat

cat said to Evan. "I'm the beautiful cat girl you've been looking for!" Evan then screamed like a

little girl and turned into a giant sword. He then cleaved the fat cat girl in two.

"HEY!" Josh said as he saw a bunch of blood fly everywhere. "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT

TO KILL ANY MO..." Josh then got a look at the mass of fat on the ground. "Oh it's a fat chick.

Never mind. Lets keep looking."

With that they did so. The rest of the fanboys and girls just went about their usual business. No

one seemed to care that another fat person died. As well they shouldn't have.

Josh smiled as he had gone ahead of Evan and came to an area where a long LONG

LOOOOONG lineup was formed. "Hey EVAN!" Josh called out. "I think I might have found it!"

He called out.

Evan emerged from the crowd a moment later and saw what Josh was looking at. "Live actual cat

girl from Wakandan jungles." Evan read from the sign above the small structure which had a

single large room, an entrance, and an exit. "You sure this is the place?" Evan asked.

Josh chuckled. "In a word... yeah. Come on.

Two fanboys wiped their eyes with tissues as they watched Mee'Yaow stretch and posed topless

in front of the one way mirror. "Wow." Hiro said. "I wish I was one of the lucky guys that get to

watch her from behind the glass. They must be so lucky."

"Yeah." Yoshikazu seconded. "What I wouldn't do for my goddess Mee'Yaow. I could live the

rest of my life a happy man if I could be with her."

Just then they were crushed to death by rubble as Josh and Evan(transformed into the hulk) burst

through the wall. "EVAN SMASH!" He claimed loudly before morphing to his original form and

walking towards Mee'Yaow.

Mee'Yaow smiled as she saw her husband. "Evan! I'm so glad you're here. I was wondering

when you'd show up! I just got a great job here. All I have to do is sit and pose in front of this

mirror."

Josh then looked at the mirror. "Waitaminute... mirror?"

Josh then punched a hole through the mirror and then ripped it out of the wall to reveal a

Japanese mutant boy masturbating in a chair. "Oh shitu." said the Japanese boy as Josh grabbed

his neck and threw him through a wall.

"This entire country is full of freaking perverts." Josh complained.

Mee'Yaow cringed as she realized what had just transpired. "Oh my god! THAT'S WHY I WAS

POSING? SO THEY COULD TOUCH THEMSELVES WHILE WATCHING?"

Evan frowned. "Wierdos."

"HEY!" Mee'Yaow shouted as she glared at Evan.

Evan smiled and chuckled. "Heh heh... sorry. Not used to being married to a girl that has more

hair than I ever had." He stated.

"Well whatever the case." Josh stated as he turned back to his companions. "We're all together,

we've got all three pieces of the spell... I think it's time for us to get to Ranma-verse finally.

Evan pumped a fist into the air and jumped with it. "FINALLY! Let's go!"

And so our heros left the smut house in the anime con and headed for a quiet area where they

could call out the spell. However as soon as they got to the front doors a voice called out to

them.

"HOLD THERE YOU THREE!" They all turned around in curriosity and to all their surprise they

saw Sunfire: The Japanese Fire Mutant standing before them. "Where are you going with my cat

girl!" He demanded.

"Your cat girl?" Josh asked.

"She's MY wife dude." Evan stated.

"I belong to NO ONE!" Corrected Mee'Yaow.

Sunfire smirked as he pulled a contract out from his suit. "Well it says right here that I own her.

She's under contract to pose for me and for the fans FOREVER! No hard feelings. It's just

business. And she'd already signed."

"I NEVER KNEW I WAS GOING TO BE POSING NAKED FOR FANBOYS TO SPANK

TO!" she screamed. "I quit!"

"You can't quit!" Sunfire demanded. "I OWN YOU! YOU ARE MINE!"

Josh smiled as he stepped forward. He then looked back to his friends. "Evan, Mee'Yaow, go find

someplace secluded we can read the spell. I'll deal with Sunfire here." Evan and Mee'Yaow

nodded and left the building. Josh then turned back to Sunfire. "Come on ya flamer. Give me your

best shot. If you can get past me I'll allow you to hold Mee'Yaow to her contract. If not. We're

leaving. But keep in mind. I'm a dragon."

Evan smiled as he reached the bottom of the stairs. "Where should we go? There's hardly

anywhere that we could go in Japan that we could actually be alone at."

"I don't know." Mee'Yaow replied. "I've never been here before."

Just then the two of them heard a scream and Josh came running out of the building with his ass

on fire. "AHHHH!" He screamed as he ran towards Evan and Meow. He then spread his

wings, grabbed both of them. And took to the sky.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?" Evan asked as he was dragged across the sky to a nearby

rooftop.

Josh dropped them off and then frowned as he sat down putting out his ass. "Well..." He started.

"I may look like a dragon and breath fire... but I'm not resistant to it apparently."

Evan frowned. "Wonderful. Well anyway pull out the spell. I want OUT OF HERE!"

Josh nodded and pulled out the three pieces of the spell holding them out side by side so he could

read them. Just then a blast of flames erupted from out from an unknown source and burnt all

three pieces of the spell to a crisp.

Josh and Evan stared in absolute shock as their salvation was destroyed in an instant. They'd

traveled half the earth to get them all... they'd done countless unpleasant acts, and suffered greatly

on their journey and all for nought.

Sunfire laughed maniacally. "HA HA HA HA! I don't know what you were going to do with

those paper scraps but you didn't think you could get away from SUNFIRE that easily did

you!"

Sunfire died a moment later.

"I can't believe we';re stuck here on this crappy planet!" Evan said angrily as he, Josh, and

Mee'Yaow sat at a table in a bar.

Josh had tears streaming down his face. "I had a sure thing with Ranma-chan too!" He weeped as

he drank some more saki. Evan for once wasn't the one drinking... AND he still had pants on.

"I don't mind at all." Said Mee'Yaow. "But then again I am from this earth."

Evan sighed. "Ugh! I HATE making the best of a bad situation. Why can't we ever just have a

good situation for once?" He wondered.

"BARTENNER!" Josh called out. "GIMME SOMETHIN STRON!" Josh slurred slightly as he

held up a glass.

The bartender who was a telekinetic poured a very strong drink and then sent it over to Josh's

table via mind rail. Josh gladly accepted the glass and then took the whole think down in one shot.

He began to twitch and cough and shiver at the strength of the drink and then started to mumble

something as he smacked his head off the table. Just then the mumbling stopped and Josh's head

straightened up instantly.

"Ra..sha... Oh my godsh!" He said. "FOLLOW ME!" He screamed as he stumbled and started

running. The bartender frowned. "HEY! YOU HAQVE TO PAY FOR THAT!" He demanded.

Evan then pulled out 20000 yen and set it on the counter before following Josh.

Evan looked around confusedly once exiting the bar and then noticed Josh running into a nearby

alley. As soon as he caught up to Josh he frowned. "Dude! What the hell is wrong with you?" He

asked.

"I r'mmber." Josh slurred as he struggled to stand.

"What?" Evan asked. "Speak sober. "I can't understand you unless I'm drunk as well."

"I REMBER!" Josh yelled. He then cleared his throat and tried to get it off one sylable at a time.

"I. Re. Mem. Ber." He said.

Evan looked confused. "You remember what?" Evan asked confeusedly.

Josh then cleared his throat and took a few breaths and began speaking very VERY slowly and

precisely. "Wifity snifity, Yahl rahben goulshnektal gill bob nigastro kinmarita lick eesomee

pussaatylif Rasha Babba Ganushillmara Irritaglydope dsjweoa shnell!"

All of a sudden a giant portal with bright swirling colours of purple and orange appeared before

the trio and they were all sucked in instantly.

TBC

Author's Notes: Hey everyone who reads this. It's just me doing AN's today. Evan's not here

because I decided to finish up this chapter on my own. I had a good idea so I wrote it y'know?

Evan will like it of course. He's my pal, my bud, my homie, my dog, my mon frere... etcetera.

Anywho should we wind up back in Ranma Verse this time? Should we stay there? Should we

continue universe hopping? You decide. I won't listen either way. This whole story's totally

improvised on the spot. Even my author's notes are. Me and Evan made a pact to never correct a

single thing in this fic until we reach chapter 50. That's soon though. So booyaka.

That's all from me.

Morden Night: Ishano: 


	48. While you were away

Self Insertion

Chapter 48

While you were away.

Ranma screamed as the giant Panda knocked him off his bamboo pole and into the waters of the

spring below. At he flew through the air a thousand thoughts ran through his head. One thought

in particular repeated itself over and over in his stated of confusion. Did pop just turn into a

Panda?

The moment the water hit the world went black.

Ranma awoke a moment later standing completely upright, soaking wet, in the middle of some

sort of village, and surrounded by people of Chinese origin who looked angry. He saw the same

panda that had come out of the springs sitting at a table behind him with used food all round him.

As well the Jusenkyo guide was standing beside him talking.

"She say: 'I challenge you outsider.' She not realize you boy til you use hot water." The guide

said to Ranma.

Ranma just looked totally confused. "Huh? Challenge? What's going on? Where's the springs?"

Ranma then noticed the purple haired girl with the bonbori staring at him smugly. "Who's that?"

Ranma asked pointing.

Guide looked confused. "Oh you forget already sir? She village martial arts champion. She

challenge you for you father's actions. She quite unhappy that he eat her prize for tournament."

Ranma smiled and cracked his knuckles. "Oh well that's not so bad. Maybe this village champion

will actually be something of a challenge. Besides... if I win I get the prize food." He stated

happily.

Shampoo smiled and walked over to a large log suspended above the ground with some heavy

rope. She jumped up onto it, dropped into a low martial arts stance, and turned to Ranma with a

smirk. Ranma smiled as he jumped up to meet her and stood seemingly relaxed on the other side.

Shampoo instantly rushed the boy as soon as he was on top of the log hoping to get this all over

with quickly. Ranma just stood there yawning as he waited for her to arrive. When she did he

simply ducked under her first attack and extended a kick to her mid section, making sure to just

knock her off the log and not injure her.

Ranma smiled and jumped off the log and extended a hand to help her up. "That was good, but

you left yourself wide open with such a suicide attack."

The purple haired girl glared at Ranma angrily as tears ran down her face. She then looked off

into the crowd at an old woman who had been watching the entire event transpire. The old

woman nodded at the purple haired girl who then bit her lip and stood up on her own.

Ranma frowned as he saw tears in the girls eyes. "Are you okay? I didn't hit you too hard did I?"

He asked.

Shampoo took a deep breath and cupped the outsiders face with her hands. "Wo de airen." She

said before placing the kiss of marriage upon the one who had bested her in combat. She smiled as

she deepened the kiss on the startled boy. He WAS kind of cute, and of course his skill would be

a great addition to the tribe. Plus if she was married she wouldn't have to worry about Mousse

bothering her all the time.

Genma's eyes bugged out of his skull as he saw Ranma kissing this complete stranger. Seeing this

as an immediate threat to the union of the schools and seeing that Ranma was actually starting to

get into it he jumped from the first prize table as fast as his hefty body could allow him and

grabbed Ranma from the girl. Fleeing the village as fast as possible. We've been in China long

enough boy! Genma though as he dragged the lazy smiling Ranma with him in the direction of

Japan.

Ranma sighed as he randomly awoke again fully awake upright and not knowing how he had

gotten to where he had. It had been happening several times a day ever since he had fallen into the

spring at Jusenkyo. He would black out, wake up soaking wet and steaming, and would be

completely upright and in a location he didn't recognize at all. It was bothering him a lot,

especially since his father constantly asked him whether or not he was sick regularly.

Ranma looked around him and sighed. They seemed to be in a restaurant of some kind. "That was

a close one eh boy?" Genma asked. "She almost found us again."

Ranma looked to his father confused. "Who?"

Genma frowned and grabbed his son by the front of his ghi. "DON'T GIVE ME THAT

AMNESIAC CRAP ANYMORE RANMA! YOU KNOW DAMNED WELL WHO! THAT

PURPLE HAIRED HUSSY!"

Ranma growled and dislodged from his pop's grasp. "HEY CUT IT OUT POP! I REALLY GOT

NO IDEA!" He then remembered about his interesting encounter back at the village. "Oh right...

her."

Genma sat back down and opted for a disappointed somber look. "Oh I'm so ashamed. My son

will never be a great man among men!"

Ranma looked totally exhausted. "Pop! What's going on? I keep blacking out and waking up at

random places. What did you do to me at Jusenkyo."

Genma was about to answer but then caught a shock of purple locks in the distance of the

restaurant. "No time for excuses Ranma! We gotta run!"

Ranma looked around trying to see what his dad was running from. "From what Pop? I don't

see... URK!" Ranma was then cut off as Genma grabbed him by the collar and began running full

tilt.

Ranma frowned as he looked out into the ocean. "We have to swim back? Didn't you have

money saved up for a boat back?"

Genma chuckled and put a hand behind his head. "I got hungry." He stated.

Ranma groaned. He then looked towards the water and tentatively walked towards it as his pop

just jumped right in and started swimming. Over the span of a few weeks of running from god

knows who or what and having constant blackouts Ranma had noticed a pattern to his problem.

He only blacked out whenever he'd gotten wet. They weren't just random happenings. They

actually worked like his pops curse which he had seen triggered several times before. Somehow

though he managed to get to wherever it was he was supposed to be without any trouble. He

would just black out and then end up somewhere else.

Ranma took a deep breath as he got to the edge of the water. Perhaps his body just went on a sort

of autopilot when doused with cold water? Maybe he fell in spring of drowned amnesiac or

something. Either way he didn't like blacking out every single time he touched water. He would

have to find a cure some time soon. Maybe someone back in Japan could help him.

Ranma nodded with that in mind, took another deep breath and then jumped into the water.

Moments before he hit the water he wondered what had happened to him those last times that he

had lost consciousness, and what would happen this time as well.

Ranko gasped as she reached the surface of the water. The cool breeze of the mid spring day sent

a shiver up her spine as she looked around her surroundings. She smiled as she realized that she

was at the ocean side. "Guess we're swimming home like last time." She said to herself as she

tread water and stared off at her father as he continued to swim towards Japan off in the distance.

No doubt so that he could quickly engage her guy half to Akane to 'unite the schools' as he had

done the last time. She didn't mind though. The Tendo's house would be the first place Josh

would look for her if any

"Deja vu." She said with a smile as she began swimming after her father.. She had been surprised

when she had first awakened at Jusenkyo. God hadn't been kidding when he'd said they'd

remember everything so that they wouldn't make the same mistakes over again.

She chuckled in her mind as she thought of that. God wouldn't be able to stop Josh from

beginning his dimension hopping again. He'd find some way to get back to her they were in love.

That was all anyone needed. He had been across several different universes. Even if he only had

memories of the events that transpired between them she was sure that whatever world he was on.

He was thinking of her, and devising a plan to get back to her.

Ranko had wondered how she was going to remember everything if God had rewound all of time

in all the dimensions. After all she had only gotten her own personality after events that transpired

due to Josh and Evan's travels. However as soon as God had made it so she had found herself

awakening at Jusenkyo. After dousing herself with hot water and then awakening again during a

rain storm she had cleverly deduced that she was now sharing a body with her original self.

Ranmas consciousness was in control when in male form, and Rankos when in female. This of

course caused much confusion for her, and Ranma as well no doubt as they would black out or

wake up randomly in different situations.

She frowned as she thought of this. Such a problem might make having a steady relationship with

her beloved Josh, when he returns, quite... difficult in a word.

Genma smiled. This was easier than he thought. He had announced to Ranma on the way to

Soun's house shortly after arriving in Nerima. It had been raining and they were both soaking wet

and in their opposite forms and Ranma had just nodded and said: "Yes father." and he had been

surprisingly polite and obedient in his girl form ever since falling in Jusenkyo. Maybe these

curses affect our thoughts too. He thought to himself. He nodded as he figured that, that was

indeed the case. After all, in his Panda form he had a craving for bamboo.

Genma shrugged it off and just continued to walk with his son turned daughter with a smile upon

his face.

"I'm Akane." The girl with the long black hair said to Ranko. As she put a shoulder upon hers and

smiled brightly.

Ranko frowned on the inside as she looked upon that face. It was bright, happy and radiant, and

would be gone the moment she found out that she was actually a boy. Well... she herself wasn't.

But she shared a body with one. Ranko nodded at the girls proposal, perhaps this time she could

salvage a friendship with Akane that Ranma never would have on his own.

"I'd like that Akane-chan." Ranko stated with a smile.

Akane smiled even wider now that she had a new friend, one that wouldn't be jealous of her

because of all the attention she attracted from the boys at school. Plus she was a martial artist.

Now she'd have a sparing partner for friendly matches. This then gave her a great idea since she

was already in her training ghi. "Hey. Would you like to see the dojo?" Akane asked.

Ranko nodded, however tentatively. "Uhm. Okay."

"Great!" Akane stated as she led the girl out into the yard to see the training hall.

Ranko smiled as she got a good look at the hall. It brought back a lot of memories, some good,

some bad, all of which of when she had the mind of a boy named Ranma Saotome. It seemed

strange to her how the majority of her early memories were from the perspective of a boy. But she

was far from a normally conceived person. She was born of magic and strange circumstances.

As the two girls entered the dojo Akane smiled as she turned back to her new friend. "What do

you think?" She asked.

Ranko just smiled to herself. "Just like home." She sighed.

This statement confused Akane a bit, she was under the impression that the girl had been on the

road with her father her entire life. She shrugged. Well she had to have had a home at SOME

point in her life. She then smiled as sh stood across the dojo from her new friend. "Wanna have a

little match?" She asked, setting up the all to familiar situation that Ranko remembered.

Ranko sighed and shook her head trying to defuse the girl's enthusiasm. "I'm sorry Akane. I

can't."

Akane looked confused as she got out of the stance she had unconsciously dropped into. "Why

not?" She asked the slightly shorter girl.

Ranko sighed, a deep sadness in her eyes as she sagely responded to the girl's question. "If we

fought, you would learn to hate me in less than a day from now. I want to stay being friends with

you Akane."

Akane, thinking that this was Ranko being cocky about her abilities sniffed at the air. "Well I'm

no pushover if that's what you're implying." She stated.

Ranko shook her hands. "No! No Akane, I know you're not a pushover... I just... I don't want to

fight you. We just met... I want to be friends more than anything."

Akane tried to stay strong and angry and focused but there was a deep sadness in the girl's eyes.

She could tell that there was something more to what she was saying, but she was being honest

with her, that she could tell. "All right. Another time then." She stated with a smile.

"Yes." Ranko said. "I'd gladly spar with you another time. Akane-chan."

Ranko smiled as she put down the pen and read over the letter that she had just written. She was

in Akane's room and was sitting at the girls desk as the youngest Tendo sat on her bed reading a

manga. This letter would probably help with her and Ranma's problem quite a bit.

"RANMA! GET DOWN HERE! QUIT WASTING TIME!" She heard Genma shout up to her.

"YOU TOO AKANE!" Soun called out.

"Guess we better get down there." Akane said. "Sounds like Dad's got another guest."

Ranko nodded. "You go on without me. I'm going to stop off at the bathroom." she said to her

new friend.

Akane smiled. "Sure."

Ranma blinked as he came into consciousness again. He was in a bathroom waiting area, wet as

usual, but this time something was very different, he was holding a letter, addressed to himself, in

HIS handwriting, and he didn't remember writing it at all. "What the...?" He muttered as he

looked it over. There was no doubt, it was written by him.

"Weird." He said as eh tore it open and took out a letter, also written in his own hand writing.

Dear Ranma: the letter read. My name is Ranko, I'll bet you're still wondering what happens

when you get hit by cold water. Well I'm your answer to that. I am a female version of you. In

body and mind, created by the magical waters of Jusenkyo. I have completely different thoughts

than you, I am a completely different person. However because of the curse, we are forced to

share this body WITH one another. Please do not be alarmed by this. I think of you as a dear twin

brother and would never allow you to come to any harm, please think of me as a twin sister and

write back to me in response to this letter when you finish reading. Also, there is a girl in the

dining hall of this house that you will probably be engaged to by our father. Her name is Akane. I

beg you for your sake and mine Ranma, please, be nice to her, never make fun of her, and most of

all: Be her friend. Signed: Ranko Saotome.

Ranma slumped down to his knees as he finished reading the letter. "I'm sharing my body with a

girl." He stated in shock. He then went over the entirety of the letter and froze when he went over

the fiancé part of it. "WHAT? FIANCÉ?"

Ranma rushed through the house looking for the dining area that was described in the letter, he

had taken a few wrong turns, but it was close enough to his original location since coming awake

that he found it fairly fast. "POP!" He shouted finally finding the fat martial artist sitting with four

other people. "WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THIS LETTER?" He yelled slamming the letter

down in front of the man.

"Hmmm?" The bald martial artist said as he picked up the letter. He didn't bother reading it but

glanced at it and then looked up to his boy. "Didn't you write this?" He asked. "It's your

handwriting."

Ranma sighed and he slumped down beside his father. "I know it is. But I didn't write it."

"Who are you?" Akane demanded as she looked at the boy.

Ranma gave a glance at her but didn't pay her much mind. "Saotome Ranma, sorry about this."

He then turned back to his father. "Is it true what the letter says?" He asked. "Have I really been

turning into... someone else?" Ranma swallowed a lump in his throat that he hadn't realized was

there.

Genma nodded. "You do turn into a girl with a splash of cold water. As I said before Ranma. The

life of a martial artist is fraught..."

Ranma then cut him off. "But do I change into a different person? Every time I've been hit with

water I've blacked out! Now I've got a letter in my own handwriting saying that I'm sharing my

body with another person! A GIRL NO LESS!"

Ranma began to heave with fear and panic in his voice. He was on the verge of having a panic

attack. He was actually really, really scared.

"Excuse me." Came Nabiki's voice from the other side of the table. "But could you two please

explain to us what exactly is going on?"

"Yeah!" Akane stated with a frown upon her face. "What happened to Ranko?"

"Ranko?" Ranma asked looking to the girl in surprise. "That's the girl who wrote this note!

Well... supposedly."

"Let me see that!" Akane demanded as she grabbed the note from Ranma. Akane proceeded to

read the letter out loud and scoffed at it as she finished it. "Magic? Sharing the same body? That's

crap!"

"I agree!" Ranma said. "That's impossible."

Genma nodded and stood up, clearing his throat. "Well... there's only one way to prove this to

everyone." He then grabbed his son by the back of his shirt, pivoted and tossed the boy over his

shoulder, through the open engawa doors, and into the koi pond with a huge splash.

All of a sudden a girl broke the surface of the water and looked around. She then sighed and

walked calmly back to the table where everyone sat. Akane gawked at what had happened. She

had just seen a bo named Ranma, turn into what looked like his twin sister. A girl named Ranko.

The letter was true.

"R...Ranko?" Akane said with much surprise.

Ranko nodded as she sat down with a squish of her water logged clothes. "I'm so sorry Akane.

Please don't hate me for this. Please don't hate Ranma either."

"B...but! You lied to me!" Akane said feeling betrayed. "I thought you were a girl!"

Ranko nodded. "I am! In body and mind. But only in this form. Please PLEASE don't hate me

Akane. I need a friend more than anything... so does Ranma. Please be our friend." She said with

tears beginning to fall from her eyes.

This took Akane by surprise at the desperation in the petite girl's voice. Maybe she was telling the

truth. Maybe she WAS cursed to share a body with another person.

Genma then grabbed Ranko by the front of her shirt and pulled her up to meet his gaze. "STOP

crying boy!" He demanded. "What's this nonsense about being a girl in body and mind? Snap out

of it! My mind doesn't change when I do!"

Just then Soun came by with a kettle and poured it over Ranma. "Well this isn't so bad then. All

that's needed to change you back is some hot water."

"AAAAH!" Ranma screamed as he came awake to the feeling of boiling hot water. "You trying

to cook me?" He demanded. He then looked around confused as he realized that he wasn't in

the pond anymore.

"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!" Ranma demanded. Totally freaking out now.

Josh and Evan smiled as they traveled through the vortex. They had been traveling for an amount

of time through the giant energy tube thingy that was unfamiliar to them. Over that amount of

time Josh had sobered up mostly.

"Are we there yet?" Evan asked.

Josh shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe Ranma-verse is farther from Earth X-verse than most of our

other previous jumps." The dragon person suggested.

All of a sudden the face of God appeared before them.

"Hey God." Josh said, almost as if he had been expecting this.

"Hey G-diddy." Evan said.

Josh held his forehead as if it was in pain. "Oh Jesus."

All of a sudden, Jesus' face appeared beside God's. "What? Somebody call?"

"No. No one called my son." God said.

"Can I watch?" Jesus asked.

"No. Go to your room, you're still grounded." God declared.

Jesus crossed his arms in defiance. "But I don't WANT to!" He whined.

"Don't make me smite you again boy! You cross my wrath again and I'll do more than have you

crucified for the sins of mankind! Now pack the sass and get back to your room!" He demanded.

Jesus' face then disappeared and God turned back to the two boys. "Kids these days." He

complained. "With their rock music and their video games. I tell yah. Me and the missus never

had this kind of trouble before the twentieth century came along."

Evan frowned. "So what the devil do you want!"

All of a sudden the devil appeared. "What? Somebody call me?"

God just frowned.

"Oh jesus." Josh said again as he shook his dragon-head.

Jesus appeared again just then. "What! For my dad's sake who keeps calling me?" He

demanded.

"THAT'S IT! Jesus you're being reincarnated to be smited again. Lucifer go the hell away. I'm

sick of you eavesdropping! Josh and Evan, I implore you. Do Not go back to Ranma-verse. If you

do so it will mean massive change to that universe!" God said. Jesus and the Devil disappeared

and the two travelers just looked questioningly at God.

"Will it ruin all the multi verses again if we just stay in Ranma verse?" Josh asked.

"No." God answered, though with a bi of hesitation.

"Will it upset the cosmic balance of anything?" Josh asked again.

"Well...no... just..." God started, only to be cut off by Evan.

"Well you aren't holding a very impressive case for an all powerful guy... you know what I

think... I think you're just a mean old man who doesn't want anyone to have any fun and have

lotsa sex with lotsa people we should exist with! BASTARD! YOU EAT POOP! I'm leaving..

Come on Josh."

Josh nodded. He then looked around as God disappeared while mumbling. "Hey... where's

Mee'Yaow?" He wondered.

"Fuck if I know... let's ask the Devil." Evan said with a smile. "HEY DEVIL!"

Satan appeared again. "Yup?"

"Where's Mee'Yaow?"

"Fuck if I know."

Josh and Evan then saw the opening to Ranma verse as they came to the end of their tunnel

inter-dimensional, nexus, vortex thingy...

"Bye incarnation of all things evil!" Evan said as he waved to the Devil.

"Bye Evan... keep up the good work." The Devil said as he started to fade away.

"See yah around Satan." Josh said with a dragon-wave. "We'll try not to do anything you wouldn't do."

Satan smiled as he became more and more transparant. "You kids are all right. I'll try to keep

God from interfering with you this time around if you want to do your dimension hopping and

killing of stuff thing again. I have it one good accord that he's short on power so it should be a

snap." As he fully faded away there was heard a "Solid snake style.. Classic.."

Josh smiled as they came ever closer to the tunnel's exit. "What a nice lord of darkness."

TBC

Author's Notes: Yeah. Sucks to be Ranma. But it rules to be us. We're awesome. Like... Totally

awesome. We're buds with the devil. I guess that's why this fanfic is so... how you say...

blasphemous? Racist? Sexist, Offensive? Yeah I think all of the above. Anywho we're back in

Ranma verse and God says there'll be changes... WHAT COULD THEY BE?

(Yeah as soon as we wrote that last part our door was busted down by paladins and shit all 'don't

write that' and 'I have a +2 long sword' and we were all... oh... ok... NOT! OH SNAP! It was

awesome... you should have been there... but you weren't... so um... good luck with that... stuff.

Yeah... well this is turning out to be an interesting drive to 50... almost... almost. Well toodles.)

Morden Night: Ishano: 


	49. Deja Vu Of A Sort

Self Insertion

Chapter 49

Deja Vu Of A Sort.

Josh smiled as he started flapping his wings to slow down his decent from the portal, having

remembered what had happened the las time they had entered into Ranma verse. Evan didn't put

that much thought into their arrival and landed directly into the spring of drowned girl.

"Ha HA!" Josh said as he flew over to the edge of the pools. "I KNEW it would bring us to the

same spot it dropped us off at the first time!" He said happily as Evan surfaced the water, now a

deliciously attractive female version of himself.

"Meh... I can still change back." Evan said as he attempted to focus on his changing power and

found that nothing happened. "Hmm... interesting... this is shitty." He complained as he started

wandering around the pools and trying to read the signs. "Let's see. Spring of drowned Chinese

words, another spring of drowned Chinese words. DAMN IT! They're ALL the same!"

Josh smiled as he stroked his dragon chin. "Hmmmm. This give me an idea." Josh then began

looking around at all the springs and came across the spring of drowned boy. Unlike Evan he was

able to understand the writing on all the signs. He then jumped into the spring.

Josh smiled as he climbed out of the spring of drowned boy, looking like his old self again, or at

least until he came into contact with hot water anyway. "This should make our journey to the

Tendo dojo a little easier eh evan?" He asked.

"It's true... titties can get me everywhere." Evan replied as she flaunted her chest.

Josh then looked up to the portal that was still surprisingly there. "Hmmm. I wonder why that

hasn't closed yet." He said.

Just then Mee'Yaow came flying through and impacted directly with the ground just as Evan had

done the first time that he and Josh had arrived on Ranma-verse. As she pulled her self out of the

ground Evan tackled her into the spring of drowned girl. "NO MORE FURRY!" He cried as he

lunged.

"AAAAHH!" Mee'Yaow screamed as a strange girl tackled her into a random spring. The two

girls then surfaced and climbed out of the spring.

"Having fun?" Josh asked the two.

Mee'Yaow looked down at herself and looked confused. "What...what happened to me?" She

asked. "I'm... I'm human."

Evan smiled and grabbed her ass just to make sure. "Yes. Yes you are. Much better."

Mee'Yaow then bitch slapped Evan. "Who the hell are you?" She demanded.

"I'm Evan... you remember Evan don't you? The guy who saved you from the Kool-aid monkeys

or whatever..." Evan said as she felt herself up.

Mee'Yaow looked the girl over. "You are naked like he always was... and you touch yourself

like he does... But you are some girl... how do I know you aren't lying to me?"

Evan shrugged.. "The only way to tell is by having lesbian sex with me." Evan said with a smile.

Mee'Yaow nodded. "Hi Evan."

Josh smiled. "Wow. She really knows you."

Evan grinned. "That's what happens when you don't cheat on your wife... you get to know each

other."

Josh frowned. "That's not going to happen this time. I'm going to do Ranko and only Ranko...

unless she's not here. Then I'll go for Kasumi. Oh and what about Shampoo Evan?" He asked his

friend who was currently with his wife.

Evan shrugged. "Not married to her anymore so fuck her... and fuck her good... sooo hot..."

Josh nodded. "We'll see how long your resolve lasts. Good luck." Josh then began to walk

towards what he thought was east. "Guess we better get going if we're going to get to Japan

anytime this year." He called out to his friends.

"Yeah yeah... I'll find a brothel." Evan said with a frown

Josh smiled as he turned to Evan. "But Evan. Whoring your self off would be cheating on

Mee'Yaow. I guess we'll just have to get a job if we want to get enough money for a boat ride

eh?"

"Meh... I still think brothel... It's not cheating if it's your work... sides.. I'd only work 9-5 so I

could still have time for a nice house with picket fences and stuff... sleeping around ain't easy... or

something.. Damn rappers.."

Mee'Yaow then decided that it would be a good idea to dissuade her husband from this current

course of action. "Husband..." She started as reached around and twisted girl type Evan's, now

sensitive, nipples. "I would highly disapprove of you sleeping with other women."

Evan grimaced throuhg the pain and slowly, and dramatically, started to twist Mee'Yaow's

nipples. "Ok.."

Mee'Yaow looked confused and in a lot of pain. "Then why are you twisting my nipples?"

Evan just shrugged and let go. "Seemed like a good idea at the time."

Mee'Yaow released her death-grip. "Riight... well let's go find some work then shall we?"

Evan smiled as she shook her head. "No no no. Josh gets a job, and we drink our asses off. That's

the way it works."

Josh smiled as he sipped on his glass of saki. "This is a nice change of pace." He noted as he

leaned back in the booth and sighed.

It had been a long three days, he had been searching for work really hard and just couldn't seem

to find a break... the same restaurant that hired HIM the last time they were in China and in need

of money though HAD decided that he would hire Evan and Mee'Yaow as waitresses.

After all, hot chicks brought customers.

Evan sighed as she brought another bowl of some chinese food to a customer. "I'll kill you Josh.

You're dead." She mumbled as she set the bowl down at the old decrepit man's table. As Evan

turned to leave to get another order the customer reached around and grabbed Evan's ass.

Evan frowned and kept walking until he was out of earshot of the customers. "FUCKING COCK

SLUT HOOKERS BITCHES TOUCHING MY ASS! I POO FROM THAT! I DON'T

WANT YOUR HAND PRINTS NEAR MY POOER!" Evan fumed for a second and then

started to regain her composure. "Water... I need some hot water."

Just then the boss of the establishment who had heard Evan's comment called out to her. "YOU

DON'T GET NOTHING TIL PAYDAY!" He said in Chinese, which Evan still couldn't

understand.

"YEAH? WELL CHING CHANG CHONG TO YOU TOO BITCH!"With that she wandered

into the kitchen and put a pot of water on one of stoves and waited till it was warm enough to

change her back.

As soon as she poured it over her head she transformed back into normal, male Evan in a waitress

uniform. "I hate this." He said to himself as he morphed back into a female but keeping one

important organ in place and leaving a nice bulge in the front of her dress. "Ah penis... you make

everyday a fun day." She then morphed a bit of chest hair and some stubble.

The old decrepit customer man smiled as he heard the dainty footsteps of the cute waitress girl

approach his table again, as soon as she passed by he shot out one of his grabbin hands and took a

big handful of ass. "Here's yer tip cutey." He said in Chinese.

Evan smiled as he turned around pointing his big bulge in the customer's face. "Would you like

the cream of some young guy with that?" She asked.

"AAAAAHHH!" The customer screamed as he got a look at the penis, chest hair, and stubble.

"It's not human!" He weeped as he fell to his knees just outside the restaurant.

"All in all.. A good day at work." Evan mused as he continued to walk around in that form

scaring the hell out of the customers.

3 weeks later.

Evan frowned as he found Josh pantless, and drunk in an alley once again after her shift at the

restaurant. "God damn it you spent all my money again didn't you!" He demanded. "And where

do your pants keep going?" He asked... he then froze at his statement. "No... it can't be..."

"IT CAN'T BEE!"

The next day.

Evan and Josh stood at the edge of the ocean, Josh in his dragon form, and Evan his normal self

with wings. "I can't believe we're flying all the way back to Japan." Josh stated.

"It's your damned fault!" Evan said. "You drank all the money me and Mee'Yaow earned on food

and booze!"

Josh looked confused at that. "Yeah no kidding. I didn't think I had it in me."

"Stupid copying bastard... I'm the drinker... you're the slave bitch..." Evan stated grumpily.

Josh smiled. "You're right. I'm not drinking EVER AGAIN!"

Evan smiled and turned towards China. "And I must start drinking once more. Soon Pants Man. I

will lure you out and there will be hell to pay. And money... to be payed on booze... to lure you

out... with pants... naked..."

Mee'Yaow just stared at Evan. "Right... well... let's go then. I'm quite eager to see this woman

that Josh has his heart set on."

Evan paused. "She's fucking ugly... and a MAN! SHE'S A MAN'S MAN!...man.."

Josh slapped Evan. "Hate you..." He then took flight towards Japan.

Evan rubbed his face a bit. "She is actually a man... with a penis.."

Mee'Yaow frowned. "Let's go."

"Ok." Evan said before taking off with Mee'Yaow clinging to his erect member. "A penis like that

one."

"Shut up and fly."

"Ok."

Josh smiled as he and Evan soared across the Ocean towards Japan. "At this rate we'll get there

within a day." He stated. "We're making good time."

Evan looked back and noticed a single fin sticking from the water. He shivered and looked back

towards Jaypan. "He's still after me... He knows... he knows..."

Josh smiled as they continued to make good progress. "I guess it's a good thing we didn't take a

boat." He said.

It then started to rain.

"Yes Josh. " Evan said as she floundered around in the water. "It's great that we didn't take a

boat... fucktard. I mean.. Look at Mee'Yaow."

Mee'Yaow just yowled. "I HATE WATER! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"

Josh then looked behind the group and noticed the fin speeding up towards them. "Well get used

to water fast you pussy! WE'VE GOT UNWANTED COMPANY!"

"Inlaws?" Evan asked.

Josh just swam furiously away and Evan and Mee'Yaow followed close behind not wanting to be

eaten alive. "GOD DAMN IT WHY DO YOU HAVE TO PISS OFF SHARKS WHENEVER

WE FLY?" Josh demanded of his best friend.

"No idea." Evan panted as he swam alongside Josh. He then paused for a second. "Wait... Josh..

Piss on me."

"What?" Josh asked. "No... WHAT THE FUCK!"

"Pee on me! The hot water should change me back and the rain isn't that bad. It should let up

soon. I need you to pee on me... either that or I'm peeing on you... your call."

"I'll piss on you." Josh said.

"Awesome." Evan replied.

Mee'Yaow stopped swimming. "You two are sick.. Fuck this.. I'm getting eaten... nobody is

pissing on anyone while I'm around."

"But what about.." Evan started.

"THAT WAS ONCE!" Mee'Yaow hollered. "It'd different when it's for fun."

Josh, Evan and Mee'Yaow breathed heavily as they reached the shore of Japan. "That rain never

let up." Josh complain as he wrung out his dragon-sized t-shirt.

Evan shrugged and started to pee on Josh, triggering his transformation.

"WHAT THE FUCK DUDE! YOU JUST PISSED ON ME!" Josh cried out as he started

wringing the pee out of his t-shirt.

"I had to go... all that talk of peeing on stuff made me have to go." Evan stopped and pointed at

Mee'Yaow. "AND YOU DIDN'T HELP!"

"But I was just talking about the waterfalls at home to try to get my mind off the deadly shark

chasing us." Mee'Yaow said in her defense.

"Making the gushing sounds wasn't necessary." Evan said as she glared at her wife.

Josh just looked around at Evan and Mee'Yaow with a look of utter horror. "Aww... Aww... it's

all over me... aww... it's in my shark wound."

Evan looked over at Josh. "Yeah your lucky he just nicked your shoulder when he lunged."

Josh sighed and started walking. "Let's just get to the Tendo dojo. I could go for a nice nap, a

warm Kasumi cooked meal, and some hot Ranko sex."

"She's a man." Evan whispered to Mee'Yaow. "A man's man."

Mee'Yaow sucker punched Evan and left him on the street as she caught up with Josh.

Ranko sighed as she sat on the engawa overlooking the Koi pond. It had been almost a year since

she had came into being once again. She had gone through the Fiancé troubles with Ukyo, and

Akane, and Kodachi, and Shampoo already, thought it was a much more difficult thing since she

was now a separate entity from Ranma, but they managed some how, they had also gone through

the musk, the phoenix people, even Saffron had passed her by and still... no sign of Josh.

"Fuck." She said as she heard the doorbell. It was probably a fiancé or something again. They

seemed to come by every week it seemed. She sighed and got up from her place on the floor and

slowly trudged towards the door.

"Whata you want?" She asked as she looked up to the Dragon man and his two female

companions. "You another challenger? You a fiancé? What?"

"Uhm... My name's Josh." Said the Dragon man. "I'm back." Josh stated.

Ranko looked at him carefully and then smiled. "JOSH! OH MY GOD I MISSED YOU SO

MUCH!"

Josh smiled as he wrapped his arms around her. He was right. She had remembered. Ranko then

leaned back from Josh and sniffed at the air with a funny look on her face. "Something smells like

pee." She said.

"OH GOD! JOSH PISSED HIS PANTS AGAIN!" Evan screamed out before Josh could

respond. Evan then ran into the house, found a piece of table and started hitting Josh. "Bad Josh..

Very bad dragon-josh."Ranko sweatdropped as she watched this scene. "That's Evan isn't it?"

She asked.

"Yup." Josh stated with an annoyed look on his face.

"He's the one that peed on you isn't he?" Ranko asked again.

"Yup."

"Want a change of clothes?" She asked.

"Yup."

Evan smiled as he wandered around the Tendo house looking at the place he had lived in so many

times. "This is weird... I'm going to have to pee on it..." He said sadly as he started to unzip his

pants.

All of a sudden a purple cat rubbed up against Evan's leg and purred. "Oh fuck.. Another one... I

have enough cat sex to last me a lifetime."

The cat then looked up at Evan and looked as confused as a cat could look. It then seemed to

have an idea and ran off.

"The fuck was that about... well back to peeing on stuff." He then wizzed on the wall. After he

finished he wrote 'Josh was here' in purple crayon. "Excellent." He said as he walked away. As he

stepped through the door to the kitchen he bumped into someone. "HOLY FUCK! WATCH

OUT WOMAN!"

"Airen?" Shampoo asked as she looked up at Evan.

"No... fucking... way." Evan said as he stumbled back two steps. "How did you get in there... I

mean... I had just pee... I mean... been in there."

Shampoo smiled and latched on to Evan. "Shampoo miss Airen so much. Remembered all about

Evan after getting curse at Jusenkyo." She said.

Evan just looked like a crack fiend who hadn't had his fix for over a year as Shampoo rubbed a

certain spot that wasn't his penis, but still felt really good. "Not.. Fair... cheating.. Bad... must...

resist!"

"Why Airen talk slowly?" Shampoo asked as she slowly let herself de-latch from Evan. "And what

you talk of cheat?" she asked, looking concerned.

Evan backed up and waved his hands in front of him in anime 'defusing' manner. "Nothing... I

speak of nothing!"

Shampoo looked at Evan carefully. "Airen is hiding something Shampoo thinks." She said

sounding almost threatening.

"Airen speaks of... WHAT'S THAT!" Evan yelled as he pointed behind Shampoo and started

to run.

"Shampoo knows Kasumi cooks today, nothing deadly on stove. Talk to Shampoo Airen."

Shampoo said as she chased after Evan.

Gotta think fast... like a lamp. Evan thought as he hopped into a corner and turned into a lamp.

Solid snake-esque style (Somewhere the devil said 'Classic').

Shampoo entered the room with her bonbori drawn. "Aiiiiiren... where you are?" She called out in

axe murderer style.

"I'm not here." The lamp said.

Shampoo screamed and ran out of the house.

"Worked like a charm." Evan-lamp said to himself as the lamp bent double and laughed.

Josh smiled as he exited Ranko's room. A smile on his face... "It's good to be home." He said. He

then wondered to himself where the other residents of the house were. He hadn't seen hide nor

hair of the Tendo's or Genma.

He shrugged and sat down beside Evan in the living room upon descending the stairs. "What up

Evan?" He asked.

Evan's lampy shoulders shrugged sorta. "Meh... so um... how'd you know it was me?"

"Most lamps don't drink or eat." Josh responded.

"Evan looked at his metallic hands one holding a bottle of sake and the other an egg roll. "Good

point. No wonder everyone ran away..."

"You find and do Shampoo yet?" Josh asked.

"You think I like being a lamp? I had to do this to go under cover so she couldn't find me." Evan

said as the lamp took a hard swig of saki.

Josh looked confused. "You didn't... want... her to find you..." He said. "But dude... she'd do you

in a heartbeat! And she'd WAY hotter than the panther person!"

"Holy matrimony makes people turn into lamps for each other it seems... I still don't know why

he wanted to bless my trash..." Evan said as the lamp scratched it's bulb.

Josh sighed. "Well... it was more matrimony on penalty of death if anything else. I think that

statement deserves a touche my friend."

"Touche... and double touche... for declaring the touche... but oh well.. It's still marriage and I'm

staying a lamp till Shampoo figures that out or leaves... so... um.. Lamp..." Evan said as the lamp

somehow ate a bit of egg roll.

Josh shrugged. "Whatever floats your boat." Josh then thought of something. "Hey... ever

thought of divorce? Eh? Eh?"

Evan rubbed the base of his bulb in thought. "I dunno... cat girls are kinda hot..."

Josh chose that moment to cut hius friend off. "YOU'VE TURNED INTO A GENUINE

FURRY! EWWWWWW!"

The lamp recoiled in shock. "OH MY GOD I'M A FURRY LOVING FREAK!"

Josh nodded. "Yes... yes you are."

The lamp began to sob. "So this is what has happened... I've become what I've sworn to

destroy... Josh... I'm not the person I'm supposed to be."

Josh sighed as he sat back on the couch. "Yeah a lot has happened since we started our initial

journey eh? We've pretty much experienced all there is to experience... Strange eh?"

Evan nodded his lampy head. "It's kind of scary really."

"Hey where's Mee'Yaow anyway?" Josh asked.

"She's out grabbing some booze and munchies... you know... like bacon... and eggs... and eggie

bacon... and eggie bacon chips..." Evan paused. "I think I made that last one up..."

Josh nodded. "Yeah I think you made the last two up."

Evan hung his lampy head. "Yeah... there isn't any eggiebacon. I'm so ashamed."

For a moment the two boys... sort of... sat on the couch contemplating things like life, and the

consistency of liquid bacon. Josh then looked to Evan. "Y'know. You don't have to stay as a

lamp when Shampoo's not here."

The lamp shrugged. "Meh... I'm fine as a lamp... I can go anywhere... in anyone's room... at any

time... it's pure freedom."

Later that night.

Akane got a shiver as she changed in her room and looked to the lamp sitting in the corner. She'd

been having this funny feeling about it ever since she had come

Suddenly as Akane closed her eyes the lamp flicked on. "Let's get a better look at you shall we?"

it said softly as it began to rub it's light switch.

TBC

Author's Notes: I swear we're not on crack. I dunno what it is about these latest chapters... but

it's definitely a change in SI pace. I mean. Evan never used to pee on stuff this much. Wow.

Just... wow. He's not cheating anyway. Let's hope I don't... this time... for once... God damn it.

(I swear we are on crack... this is fucking messed up shit. And as for the cheating... being a lamp

doesn't count... lamps aren't people... IT'LL NEVER HOLD UP IN COURT YA BASTIDS!

regardless... yeah Evan.. Which is me... is going to be all 'I'm a dirty furry' just like Moses. Oh...

Paladins are a'knocking. 'I've got my long sword update to a +4longsword of mighty smiting'

yeah... I dunno... I'm done for now... goodbye... DON'T FOLLOW ME! NOOO... WHY AM I

STILL WRITING ... )

Morden Night: Ishano: 


	50. Holy fuck: The half way point

Self Insertion

Chapter 50

Holy fuck: The half way point.

Right now in a Galaxy far far away.

Mace windu Raised his head as most of the other more powerful Jedi of the high council did as

well. "Sense that do you?" Yoda asked the council.

"I did." Windu responded. Along with a few other Jedi. "A great disturbance in the force has just

appeared several million light years away from our explored areas in the galaxy."

The small green man called Yoda nodded. "Investigate we must. But carefully we must proceed.

The dark side sensed there I did."

"But also the light." Windu responded. "It was as if the two sides of the force were working

together."

"Agree I do." Yoda said nodding his head sagely. "A dispatch we must send."

"Obi Wan Kenobi and his apprentice Skywalker will be the perfect ambassadors for this new

world." Windu suggested.

Some of the other council members nodded their agreement and a summons was sent for Kenobi

and Skywalker.

"Master are you sure this is a good idea?" Anakin asked his friend and mentor of several years.

"The council is sending us into uncharted space. Beyond our galaxy. This is a suicide mission."

He claimed as he sat in one of the seats in the cockpit of the star ship.

Obi Wan Kenobi smiled as he piloted the ship at a nice leisurely pace that he was comfortable

with. "Have faith in the council's judgements Anakin. They claim this mission to be of the highest

importance. We must do as they say." He said with a confident tone. "Besides. We have more

than enough fuel to last us there and back again twice."

"There and back?" Anakin asked. "Does that mean the council has discovered an exact location?"

Obi Wan nodded. "That they have. Master Windu had a particularly strong vision concerning the

disturbance in the force that we are investigating. This mission would also be a good opportunity

to expand on charted space and republic influence on the fringe worlds."

"As you say Master." Anakin said with a humble nod, just barely fighting back the urge to bitch

and whine.

Evan grinned as he shifted out of lamp form and stood up. "I feel a disturbance in the bowels." He

said as he let one rip right near Josh. "BOOYAKKA!" He yelled as he pumped one hand in the

air.

Josh sighed and just walked away.

"AIREN! YOU YELLED! I HEAR AIREN!" Shampoo yelled from another room in the

house.

"Oh fuck... the lamp isn't going to work here." Evan said to himself as he scanned the room

quickly for something to change into.

Suddenly Shampoo burst into the room bonbori ready. "When did tendo get chandelier?" She

asked herself.

"Just now." The chandelier replied.

Before Shampoo could scream in fear at the talking light fixture Josh put an arm around her

shoulder and smiled. "Shampoo. That chandelier is Evan. In the last universe we went to he got

the power to change into anything or anybody with just a thought."

Shampoo looked at the light... then at Josh. She then shrugged. "If Jusenkyo turn Shampoo into

cat Shampoo suppose could change Airen into light." She said.

With that she attacked the chandelier, which screamed. "AAAHH!"

"WHY YOU NO FUCK SHAMPOO!" She demanded.

"BECAUSE I'M A LIGHT FIXTURE!" Evan-chandelier responded as he swayed around while

she hit him.

"SHAMPOO FIX THAT WITH HOT WATER!" She yelled as she stormed to the kitchen.

Evan morphed back to normal and took off out the front door. As he took his first steps towards

freedom he ran face first into the currently human Mee'Yaow's breasts. "AHH! BOOBIES ARE

ATTACKING ME!"

Mee'Yaow just looked at Evan as she had grown accustomed to, in utter confusion. "What are

you running from husband."

Evan turned around when he heard a pot clatter behind him and noticed that the dropper of the

dropped pot was none other than Shampoo. "Um... she meant... hus-mutual friend... no bands...

no bands at all."

Shampoo started to fight back tears. "Airen?" She started as she sniffed. "Who is hussy?"

The hairs on the back of Mee'Yaow's neck started to rise. "I don't know what Airen means, but

nobody calls me a hussy." She hissed.

Evan slowly began to edge out from between the two women. Josh... I know you can read my

mind... so bring me a beer... this could get really hot.

At that exact moment upstairs Josh was banging Ranko. Evan's thoughts never entered his mind

at all. Because as usual... Evan was wrong.

Back downstairs Shampoo had gone from sad to extremely pissed off in a record time. "Hussy

should learn not to be near Airen or Shampoo kill." She threatened.

"Shampoo should learn some vocabulary before threatening me." Mee'Yaow spat back. "Then I

could understand her!"

Evan shook his head. "I've got money on Shampoo. That was horrible."

Mee'Yaow glared at Evan. "You shut up. It's your fault she's about to try to kill me."

Evan smirked. "I'll hop in once the shirts are off."

Mee'Yaow frowned. "After I'm wearing her intestines as a belt your testicles will make great

earrings."

Evan started to edge away. "That's scary shit... I want a divorce."

Mee'Yaow grinned. "Unless you can explain this once I'm done with her, you'll be getting a little

more than a divorce."

"Divorce sex?" Evan asked.

Mee'Yaow started to turn towards Evan and Shampoo found her perfect moment to strike,

slamming her bonbori into the back of Mee'Yaow's head and knocking her out in one shot and

almost breaking her skull.

"HOLY FUCK!" Evan screamed as he started turning into a lamp again.

Shampoo smiled as she raised the bonbori for the killing blow when Evan gained a conscience and

stopped being a lamp and jumped in front of the crazy amazon.

Shampoo glared at Evan with bloodlust in her eyes. "Airen move or will be hit when Shampoo kill

hussy."

Evan shook his head. "Airen stay or Shampoo get kicked in box."

Shampoo looked confused, so Evan kicked her in the box. Shampoo dropped to the ground

muttering about not being able to have babies with Airen while Evan picked up her bonbori and

tossed it away. "Don't kill her Shampoo. She's my wife."

Shampoo looked up with tears of pain (from the kick mostly) and sorrow (from the realization

that Evan had a wife)

Evan smiled. "As much as she's not as good looking as you, or isn't as good a cook as you, or as

good of a lay as you, and as much as she's really fucking hairy half the time... Uhm... I forgot

where I was going with this. Basically.. You got second place to a second place lady... making

you.. Like... third... or fourth... Ya dirty fourthy."

Shampoo stood up and sniffled slightly. "If stupid second place die Evan marry Shampoo?" She

asked.

"Only of natural causes... like Tangutangs..." Evan said trying to keep Shampoo from killing his

current wife.

Shampoo looked disappointed. "Shampoo does not know of Tangutang or where they are so

can't get to kill second place. Does bonbori count as natural? Made of natural things."

Evan just stared at her like everyone was always staring at him. "What?... NO! NO ONLY

TANGUTANGS!"

Shampoo nodded. "Then Shampoo will find Tangutang."

Evan rolled his eyes. "Good luck. You'll need to get a spell off Josh to do that, and then fuck it

up and say dod instead of bob."

"Okay." Shampoo then left.

"Aw fuck." Evan said as he picked up Mee'Yaow and carried her inside.

Later that night Josh smiled in his sleep as he cuddled up to his Ran-chan. He was having a

pleasant dream about little microorganisms that could move things with their mind. "Neat." He

mumbled as he snuggled more.

Ranko sighed as she too dreamed. About making babies. Cause she's like that. Just then the door

to their room opened. A pajama clad Nabiki smiled as she entered and noticed the situation.

"Well. So THAT'S what those sounds were." She noted. She then walked out and returned a few

minutes later with a kettle full of warm water.

"This is for waking me up." She said as she lightly splashed Ranma, turning him into his male

form. She then walked away and closed the door leaving the sleeping love birds to their devices.

Ranma smiled as he awoke. It was nice to actually wake up in a bed rather than in a pond, or

pool, or in the middle of a battle like had happened so often in the last year of his strange life. He

then stopped as he felt a presence... a presence that was very close... close in an embracing him at

that very moment sort of way.

He felt a poke.

"Mmmmm. Ran-chan go back to sleep." Josh said as he nuzzled Ranma's neck.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

!" Ranma screamed in terror.

If that didn't wake up the entire household... nothing would... ever... ever never.

The entire Tendo family rushed into Ranma's room, along with Evan. "Ranma!" Akane yelled

out. "What's wrong?" She said. She then shut herself up as she saw exactly what was wrong.

Ranma was curled up in the cover of his futon on one side of the room while a western boy of

about the same age did the same with a thin sheet on the other side.

Both were completely naked.

"WHO THE HELL IS THAT AND WHY WAS HE SLEEPING NAKED IN MY BED?"

Ranma demanded.

Josh looked to the Tendo family who he just now realized he was meeting for the first time ever

all over again. "Uhm." He started in panic, knowing damn well that he wasn't a martial artist of

Ranma caliber like he used to be. "I can explain... you see..."

Just then Josh was cut off by the fires of Akane's flaming red aura. "That's my fiance." Akane

noted. "As much as I don't like the arrangement Ranma IS my fiancé and I DON'T appreciate

strange degenerate gaijin's sneaking in his bed." She stated.

"WHAT?" Josh asked in confusion. This wasn't like the Akane he knew... He then wondered

to himself... what else was different about this universe due to the current predicament of Ranma

and Ranko.

Just then Akane rushed towards Josh with her mallet ready for a killing blow. "DIE PERVERT!"

She screamed.

"WAIT!" Josh stated as he covered himself in absolute fear. "I'm a friend of Ranko's!" He

stated. "I'm Josh!" He called out, sure that Ranko had at least mentioned his name before.

Akane stopped in her tracks. She was best friends with Ranko and they had gotten to a point in

their year long friendship where they would tell each other everything. Ranko had even told her

about the man named Josh that she was in love with at one time. "No." Akane said. "You're

Josh?"

Josh nodded. "I'm Ranko's boyfriend." He stated, cringing in fear of a mallet strike. "Please don't

kill me Akane."

Akane sighed and put down her mallet. She saw what was going on here. She didn't like it... but

they were two people in the same body. There was nothing she could do.

Ranma begged to differ. "BOYFRIEND?" HELL NO! I'm not going to have my female side

having a boyfriend!" He stated. "NO NO NO NO NO! Not happening! This is MY BODY! She

has to ask MY permission!" He then glared at Josh. "Get out! NOW!" Josh nodded and stood up,

getting his clothes and then rushing out the door, taking Evan with him.

"Oh my." Kasumi stated as she saw the naked man rush by her.

Ranma sighed as he fell onto his back. Ranko was definitely getting a letter tonight.

Evan sighed as he, Mee'Yaow, and Josh slept in a one room hotel that they had rented for cheap.

"Well that was a good idea." Evan said as he snuggled on the bed with his new wife. "Fuck Ranko

till the family all comes home and then pee the bed so that Ranma turns back into a guy. Great

idea!" He stated with a smile of sarcasm.

"Shut up." Josh stated from the couch. "I didn't piss the bed. I'm guessing someone poured hot

water on her at night. Probably Nabiki. No terrible mistake. I was happy to see her. She was

happy to see me. We made love."

Evan nodded. "Yes. Well. It was a bad idea." Evan stated. "Now we're both kicked out of the

Tendo's house."

"Not so bad." Mee'Yaow said. "We could find our own place."

Evan nodded. "Yeah I suppose we could. I've done it before."

Josh sighed. "Yeah but my girlfriend is living with the Tendos... and she turns into a guy at a

splash of any warm liquid."

"Guess that limits you from giving her golden showers huh?" Evan said. "That's a shame."

Mee'Yaow blushed at that and Josh just looked disgusted. "Yeah unlike you I don't take pleasure

in urinating on things and people." He said. "Let's just get some sleep. We'll figure something out

tomorrow." With that Josh pulled his blanket over his shoulders and rolled to his side to get some

sleep.

Evan nodded and yawned. "Yeah. Tomorrow... I've got work to do." He said as he stared

menacingly at his pants which he had hung up on a chair near the bed.

Tear's flowed from Ranko's eyes as she read the letter that Ranma had written prior to changing

himself into her with a cup of cold water. "He can't be serious." She said as she read it.

Dear Ranko: The letter began as all their letters had since they had started writing to each

other. I'm disappointed. No. I'm furious. I've never felt so betrayed in my entire life, and by

someone that I came to think of as a sister. Someone who assured me that she would never do

anything to hurt me. This hurt me. This hurt me more than anything ever has, more than the

neko-ken, more than Akane's occasional mallet, more than any of the battles I or you have faced

You slept with a man. A man that I don't know. According to Nabiki you two had sex. You had

sex... with a boy in my body before I could ever even do so with a girl. This is by far the worst

thing that anyone has ever done to me. From: Ranma.

Ranko wept as she went over it a second time. The last part was a particular blow to her that

stung the most. She and Ranma had gotten to a point in their relationship that they would put

Love: Ranma or Love: Ranko at the end of their letters. After all they were sharing a body and

were basically family.

This broke her heart. She loved Josh but she also Loved Ranma. He and Genma were the only

family that she had, and Genma wasn't much of a father. She sighed as she thought of what she

must do to rectify this mistake.

Give up Josh and get back on Ranma's good side... or keep seeing Josh and have Ranma hate her

forever.

She sighed and then stood up. She knew what she had to do.

Obi Wan and Anakin's cruiser pulled out of hyper space in front of a planet that looked like a

dirty Naboo. "This is the planet master?" Anakin asked looking the orb over with disgust. He

paused for a second as scanners picked up several thousand satellites orbiting the planet. "Is that

some sort of primitive defense system?"

Obi Wan shook his head as the scanners revealed more about the lifeforms and technologies of the

planet. "All of the beams are aimed inwards. It seems to be a communications grid of some sort."

Obi Wan was taken aback by something on the scanner. "The lifeforms are primarily human."

Anakin scoffed. "Humans out here? Surely that would have been recorded."

Obi Wan furrowed his brow. "Seems there are many inhabited planets the republic does not know

of, and I seem to be the one finding them."

Obi Wan then paused as he extended his senses into the planet and it's habitants. "My god." He

exclaimed. "This planet is crawling with the Force. I can sense it, everywhere, in high amounts."

"The force?" Anakin asked. "How much?"

Obi Wan scoffed. "Enough so that even you could probably sense it."

Anakin raised and eyebrow and then closed his eyes. "I sense it master. We're off planet and even

I could sense it."

"Send a transmission to the Jedi Council." Obi Wan commanded. "They must know about this

backwater planet right away." Anakin moved to the communications table and typed in the proper

commands but nothing came up. "Master the communications won't go. I believe we're too far

from our own galaxy. The sensors can't reach Coruscant."

Obi Wan leaned back in his chair and thought carefully. "We must investigate immediately and

compile as much data as we possibly could. We'll make the trip back after we feel we're done

here."

"Yes Obi Wan." Anakin said as he sat back down in his own seat.

Obi Wan brought the ship into the earth's atmosphere and then searched for a suitable landing

space. "There looks good." He said as he steered it towards a large island. I sense a large

concentration of the force in that area as well. Especially powerful."

With that the ship touched down at Tokyo International Airport.

Evan yawned as he woke up the next day. Mee'Yaow was still asleep beside him and Josh was

passed out on the couch. His attempt to draw out Pants Man the night before had left him

pantless and with a horrible hangover. He flicked on the shitty cable TV that the trio had in their

motel with the remote that was strangely in his hand. "Don't remember watching TV last night...

actually.. How did I get home?" He asked himself quietly as he focused his eyes on the TV.

"And late last night at Tokyo International Airport a spacecraft touched down carrying two

humans in strange clothing. Within the hour American military was on the scene from the

surrounding bases. Shots have been fired but no with no response from the spacemen. The

American military is reconsidering their 'kill em all' plan of attack and changing to their coveted

'kill something else till we can kill em all'."

Evan flicked off the TV. "Fucking Americans." He said as he flopped back into bed. "Shooting all

the cool aliens."

The next night Evan stumbled through the streets of Nerima in a drunken stupor. "Hey!" He

called out to an alley. "You get over her!" He demanded. "You wanna go?" Huh? PUNK?"

Evan then growled as he tripped over his own feet. "Oh You gun' play dirty eh bitch? Fine! I'll

come over there than!" With that Evan attacked the alley...

He then passed out from exhaustion after about half an hour at swingin fists at nothing. "Ye'll

NEVER get mah pants..." He claimed as he passed out. As soon as he was gone from the land of

consciousness though, a dark shadow passed over him, and a pair of dark hands reached

towards...

His pants.

Evan sighed as he walked back into the hotel that he was living in at the moment with Mee'Yaow

and Josh. "Still nothing?" Josh asked as he noticed Evan stroll in with no pants.

"Nah." Evan said. "How bout you?" He asked.

Josh shook his head. "I've called the Tendo house almost every hour of the day. Still can't get a

hold of her."

"Well... we're both failing... wanna go kill them aliens?" Evan asked.

Josh looked confused. "What aliens? What are you talking about? And besides. We decided to not

kill innocents anymore remember?"

Evan shook his head in disappointment. "Aliens aren't innocent... they're like Mexicans... sneaky

sneaky into countries. These ones just got caught. But nobody can kill em... so we should."

"Yeah about that." Josh said. "I kind of only have the ability to change into a dragon person with

fire breath... but I'm not even resistant to fire. You turn into a girl... and anything else you

want... but you have next to no fighting skills. We probably couldn't kill them even if we wanted

to."

"Which we do... but none the less. You are neglecting one thing... I was a ninja... WACHA!"

Evan said dropping into a horrible imitation of a ninja pose.

Josh just shook his head and then stopped as he got an idea. "Wait a minute." He said as he lifted

his head upright with wide eyes. "What bout the last time we read the spell? I was able to do

aanything that I saw, and you could do anything you read."

Evan rolled his eyes. "Uhm... I think we kind of proved that theory wrong when we were going

through Doom's magic books. I didn't pick up a word of it."

"But I did." Josh said. "What if... those abilities got switched this time around?" Josh said as he

stood up off the couch and grabbed Evan a extra pair of pants, throwing it to him.

Evan's eyes widened. "Josh... Bruce Lee movies... stat."

"And books... Lots of magic, and martial arts books." Josh said. "What say you? Aye?"

"Wait... what was yes again?"

"Aye."

"Oh... Aye then... Aye Aye... captain." Evan said.

SMACK!

"We got just enough to afford a massive movie/book fest." Josh said. "At the expense of our

living fund. Though." he added.

Evan scoffed. "Bah. Who needs to live.. Not aliens... I can tell you that."

Josh sighed. "We're not going to kill them." Josh said.

Evan rolled his eyes. "Sure we aren't."

TBC bitches

Author's Notes: This is the halfway point in SI. We're ½ way through finishing this story...

that's more than I can say for any of my other fics. I love this fic. So much.

(WACHA! Ninja Evan. Anywho happy Halfway point. You people should feel privileged we

were going to only write 2 pages and laugh at everyone... but then inspiration flowed like butter

on a fat chin. Sticky. And the inspiration stuck to us like that same butter as it dried around the fat

mouth of awesome, creating a kind of soul patch of cool... but really it was sticky butter on a fat

guy... but metaphorically it was pretty heartwarming... unlike a fat guy's buttery chin... that's not

heartwarming at all... nope... not even a little... so um.. Happy fifty.)

Morden Night: Ishano: 


	51. Old Habits And New Responsibilities

Self Insertion

Chapter 51

Old Habits And New Responsibilities... That Come With Great Powers... He He

Evan smiled as he blasted the aliens with lazer fire. "Take that! You filthy alien scum... of the

universe."

Josh sighed as he stood nearby. "Evan. Stop playing that game. You've already put in 3 dollars

worth. That's three dollars that we could be using to buy Bruce lee movies... and books.

Besides... it's only Space Invaders."

"Pah. You can't buy a movie with three dollars... clearly this comes out of your book fund... I

mean.. Books. What are you going to do? Learn them to death?" Evan said as he got his ass kick

pixellated style. "DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!"

Josh shrugged. "Yeah. I'm going to learn them to death. Let's go!"

"Excellent. Then you have fallen to my will.. We must kill them now while they don't know that

we are coming." Evan said raising a clenched fist in the air.

Josh then turned around and noticed a shock of red hair pass by the arcade that they were in at

that moment. "Ranko." He stated under his breath.

Evan frowned as Josh went running after the red head. Evan smirked and sang a ditty to the tune

of 'Sugar Crisp'. "Can't get enough of that fire crotch!"

Josh gasped for breath as he pushed his way through the crowds of Japanese people on the streets

of Nerima. He saw the red hair again and then doubled his pace. The moment he was upon the girl

he latched onto her. "I'm sorry for what I did. I don't know what it was but whatever it was that I

did to make you stop talking to me please I was wrong! Take me back. I love you!" He

desperately pleaded.

"Huh?" Came the voice of the girl he was hugging.

Josh knew that voice... But it wasn't the voice he was looking to hear. He then let go of the girl

and noticed she wore a blue kimono with a white floral pattern... and a katana.

"Oh. Mrs. Saotome. I'm sorry. I mistook you for someone else." He said bowing deeply in

appology.

The woman turned around and smiled. "It's quite all right son. I haven't been that surprised in a

long time. Who did you mistake me for?" She asked. "And how do you know my name?"

"Sorry. I'm Ranko's boyfriend. We've been having a bit of a rough time lately." Josh then thought

about that for a moment. He had no idea whether or not Nodoka knew about the curse or not yet.

I may have made another big mistake just now. Josh thought to himself.

Nodoka frowned at this. "Ranko the girl who shares a body with my son?" She asked.

Josh frowned at that. Ah Crap. "Uhm... Mrs. Saotome... I know you probably think ill of the

situation.. But Ranko IS a completely different person and feels she should be able to live a fairly

normal life of her own. So we've been dating." Josh then cringed getting a distinct feeling that he

was going to miss the feeling of having a head.

Nodoka smiled a small smile and nodded. "Very well. I am on my way to the Tendo's house now.

If you wish you can stop by and we can discuss this all together."

Josh frowned. I don't want to do that. "Uhm.. I can do so another day... I have another

pressing engagement to attend to." He said. "It was an honor meeting you Mrs. Saotome." He

said before running back to the arcade.

Nodoka stared off at the strange Gaijin in wonder. "He still didn't tell me how he knew my

name..." She muttered before continuing on.

Josh stopped in his tracks as he started to smell smoke. "The fuck did he do now?" He asked

himself as he approached the arcade. As he reached the entrance the neon sign that had read

'Arcade Fun Goodness of Arcade' creaked and fell breaking on the ground and sending sparks

everywhere. Josh covered his eyes for a second and noticed that only one thing was really

standing in the arcade and it was most definitely Evan. Evan was standing with his back to Josh

and looking over his shoulder as a fan blew a ripped cloth that was substituting for a head band as

Evan looked into the wind with a look of determination.

Evan didn't break his pose as he noticed Josh walk in. "The street fighter machine is an excellent

training machine." He said as he fully morphed into Ryu.

"So um how'd you kick the fuck out of the place? You didn't just use your fist did you?"

Evan/Ryu smirked and started bringing his hands together in a circular motion and somehow

gathering a light blue energy at the same time.

"No fucking way..." Josh said as Evan continued to gather energy.

"HADOKEN MUTHA FUCKA!" Evan cried out as he shot the ball of energy across the street

slamming it into a car that had been parked there and flipping it as well as ripping the shit out of

the driver side door.

Josh smiled. "Maybe I should just get you a playstation and some fighting games eh?" They both

then laughed and walked away from the carnage to acquire the books and videos that they

planned on getting so that they could start becoming a force to be reckoned with in this world.

Obiwan sighed as he ducked behind the hull of the cruiser. "I don't think I like this world." Obi

Wan said. "They may be primitive but their weapons are effective beyond what we're used to."

He noted as he looked as his bullet wound.

"Should we take off and find another location?" Anakin asked. "Perhaps we could find a safer,

more friendly place to land."

Obi wan looked skeptical. "No. I believe that they had taken out our core with those heavy

artillery weapons of theirs."

"So what do we do?" Anakin asked. "Their weapon's ammunition just goes through our light

sabers. We can't deflect them. They just turns to slag and hits anyway."

"Well I'm certainly not going out there." Obi Wan said. "Close the hatch. We'll just have to stay

in here and wait it out. Maybe they'll give up."

Anakin nodded and did so. After the hatch closed they leaned against the walls and both sighed.

"This planet's shoot first and ask questions later policy is quite bothersome." Anakin stated. Obi

Wan chuckled at that.

Later that night Evan and Josh felt read up and watched up enough to take a break. "So... alien

killing?" Evan offered.

"No.. I think I'll get some sleep now if you don't mind." Josh said. "You should do the same. 12

hours of movie can never be good."

"WhatchutalkinaboutWillus?" Evan said. "I'm ready to kick some alien asshole. Like right up the

asshole..."

Josh shuddered. "That's gross dude... sides. How are you going to get past the military."

Evan smirked. "Kick the fuck out of them. I'm thinking going all Jet Li, Shao Khan on them.

Heh... if their lucky I'll throw in a bicycle kick so they can tell the kids or something."

"Well I say we sleep on it tonight, then we get even better tomorrow, and THEN we go save the

aliens." Josh supplied.

Evan was about to nod and then stopped. He paused... then he paused again... "Did you say

save?"

Josh nodded. "Yup. Probably a good idea to get on technologically advanced alien's good sides.

Y'know?" He then took the bed of the hotel and went to bed. "Good night Evan."

Evan sighed and nodded. "Fine... Good night." He said as he went into the bathroom which

Mee'Yaow was currently using for a shower.

Evan and Mee'Yaow then had sex in the shower.

The next morning Evan woke up and almost instantly popped in a Zatoichi tape. "Swordy sword

sword sword." he sang as he fast forwarded to all the fighting scenes trying to absorb as much as

possible. "Soon.. Soon my precious."

Evan then looked over to the bed after pausing the movie and noticed Josh was currently reading

through three books or so at once. "Have you been up all night?" He asked.

Josh just nodded. "I just started reading and couldn't stop. I believe I've mastered Karate, Jiu

Jitsu, Kempo 1 through 3 aaaand Ninjitsu. I found out that looking at pictures in books also

counts as the book learning skill so I've been able to cut back on time." He said as he turned the

pages of the books he was on.

"Nice." Evan said. "What you reading now?"

"Sun Szu's The Art of War, Kempo 4, and Muay Thai. Almost half way through." He said with a

smile. "I also just came to a realization."

"Which is?"

"We're still weak and scrawny. We have the skills... but we're going to have to spar with each

other a bit to toughen up." Josh said.

Evan nodded. "Perhaps we could visit the dojo for training purposes?" He suggested.

Josh nodded. "I have to go there later anyway."

With that the two boys continued their studying.

The next day.

Josh smiled as he and Evan walked into the Tendo Dojo. "So..." Evan started. "What are we

doing here?"

Josh just continued to smile as he knocked on the door. Nabiki was the one to answer. "Oh. The

midnight rapist returns. I didn't think the sequel would be out so soon. Here for the guy half this

time?"

Josh just smiled. "I wish to speak with Soun Tendo."

Evan looked confused. "But you don't want to rape him do you?"

Josh stared at Evan, he stared really hard... and long... with evil in his eyeballs. "No." He said as

he shook his head. "God, I hate you."

Nabiki smiled and walked back into the house. "Sure I'll get him for you. You'll have to wait here

though... Ranma's inside watching TV and I DON'T think he'd be happy to see you... Actually I

think he'd probably break all your limbs."

Josh smiled. "That's cool." he said with a smile.

A few minutes later Soun came to the door and glared at the two boys. "You defiled the heir of

the Saotome school of martial arts." He said with a growl. "How dare you have the gall to come

back here at all."

Josh shrugged... he then took a step back, and then all of a sudden leapt into a dramatic pose. "I

CHALLENGE YOU!" He yelled as he pointed at the mustache clad martial arts instructor.

Soun looked confused. "On what grounds?" He asked.

"That if I win... I will be allowed to stay here with my beloved Ranma...chan. The girl half." Josh

then punched Evan who muttered "Homo" while he was stuttering that last part.

Soun thought for a second and turned, walked back into the house, closed the door and said:

"Challenge denied."

Josh looked confused. He then smirked and crossed his arms. "He'll be back."

"I say we burn the place down." Evan suggested.

Josh looked at Evan in utter confusion. "WHAT!... no... WHAT?"

Evan shrugged. "Meh.. It would've worked... he would have definitely challenged you then."

Soun sighed as he walked into the kitchen where Genma was raiding the cupboards for snacks.

"Who was at the door Tendo?" He asked as he snagged a mostly hidden bag of chips from deep in

the cupboard.

"Just a challenge." Tendo muttered. "Nothing important."

Saotome chuckled. "BWA ha ha! So when will this challenge be held?" He asked.

"It won't." Soun said as he grabbed a glass from another cupboard. "I denied the challenge." He

then proceeded to pour himself a drink from the tap.

"WHAT?" Genma screamed at his friend grabbing

him by the shoulder and pulling him close. This caused Soun however to spill his drink on his

friend and Genma changed into a Panda... as usual he didn't notice. "GROWF MUMBLE

BLORGGA BLOO BLAH GRRR ARR MWAAAAAAA!" He yelled at Soun as he repeatedly

shook him.

"Saotome..." Soun started. "You're a panda. I don't understand what you are saying."

Genma just continued to shake him while making funny panda sounds.

"BALLAKA:AALWALALALAPPOWOPWPPOWPWOWPWOBWA BWEA BWA

BWABBWA!" He screamed in extreme agitation did. Soun quickly poured a glass of hot

water from the same tap and splashed Genma... "Now." He started. "What were you yelling

about?"

Genma growled. "SOUN YOU IDIOT! IT IS THE ANYTHING GOES SCHOOL OF

MARTIAL ARTS CODE THAT ALL CHALLENGES MUST BE ACCEPTED! DON'T YOU

REALIZE WHAT YOU'RE DOING?"

Soun sighed and sweated a bit as he realized that he had just defiled his sacred schools LAW.

"Well... I didn't like the conditions!"

"FORGET THE CONDITIONS! You also get to come up with a condition for if YOU win!

Don't forget rule number 87 of the School of anything goes..." Genma started.

"Always win a fight, never accept defeat, even if defeated..." Soun sighed and hung his head. "I'll

go accept the challenge." He stated.

Soun then walked out to the front door and was prepared to go out looking for Josh and Evan but

was surprised to see that they were still waiting at the front door where he had left them.

"But seriously, if I rub these sticks together hard enough..." Evan was saying as Soun came out

the front door. "Oh... um... you don't have a match do you?" Evan asked the Martial arts master.

"Um no... you.. Rapist... I accept your challenge." Soun said his head hanging unnaturally low.

"Excellent." Josh said. "Prepare some rooms, cause you are going DOWN!"

At that Soun seemed to perk up. "HARDLY! It shall be your defeat. And speaking of which. I

have a condition of my own."

Josh cocked an eyebrow. "Which is?"

"You must be castrated publically and wear your freshly cut off testicles as a necklace till they rot

off the chain." Soun said proudly as he listed his demands.

Josh looked a little taken aback by that. "SAY WHAT?" Josh then looked down at the ground in

fear. Wasn't expecting a response like that from Soun Tendo... Well... here goes nothing, don't

fail me now book reading. Josh then lifted his head and smiled. "I ACCEPT!" His chi then

flared all super saiyan like and he screamed like a classic anime character for style.

Soun frowned. Damn! I was hoping he'd back down with a condition like that. "Very well lets

get this done.

Moments later in the Dojo...

Josh and Soun Tendo faced off with Evan at the side. "Last time to back down raper man." Tendo

said.

Josh smirked and just stood there confidently as Soun Dropped into a stance. "Right well lets get

moving on this then." He then turned to Evan and smiled as he pointed at Soun. "GET HIM!"

Evan looked confused for a second and then shrugged, walked up to Soun and hoofed him in the

nuts.

Caught completely off guard Soun dropped and let out a small yelp of pain as his testicles started

an upward climb into his stomach. "ERP!" He exclaimed.

Evan stood over the fallen man and thrust his pelvis violently. "YEAH! YOU LIKE THAT!

YOU LIKE THAT!" He screamed over and over as he pumped his fists in the air to add to the

strangeness of the scene.

Josh winced... "hmmm... I guess he thought he was going to fight me." He then shrugged and

walked out. "Guess we're living here from now on. COME ON EVAN! Let's move our stuff into

the guest room!"

Evan smiled "YEAH! Now NO ONE can stop you from having sex with boys!" He called out

happily in response.

Evan then recieved a rock in the face. "SHE'S A GIRL! Until hit with hot water... you ass

hole."

Ranma sighed as he slammed the bottle down onto the counter of the Uuchan where his best

friend was currently working. He was quite obviously drunk. "I was the man!" He said. "He

DidN'T kNow me! I diDn'T know! I was VILaTeed! I'Ws VilateEd!"

"Ranchan" Ukyo started in concern as she leaned over the counter. "Are you sure you should be

drinking that? What on earth happened to you?"

"VALATED!" Ranma screamed. "I'S DA MAN! I IS! HE RUINED ME UuCHAN! FirsST

TiiMe too." Ranma then began to cry.

After his drunken fit had ended Ranma stumbled his way home... somehow losing his pants along

the way. He crashed through one of the rice paper walls in the house till he had ripped his way

into the living room where he stumbled and fell onto the floor and started snoring.

Kasumi, alerted by the noise, walked into the living room where Ranma was passed out.

"Ranma?" She asked.

Ranma snapped to attention and was on his feet instantly. "I IS A MAN! I MAN!" He yelled

at Kasumi while pointing mostly at himself and somehow at the ceiling. Ranma's angry face

calmed for a second as he stared blankly at Kasumi's boobs. "YOU'S A WOMON!" He cried

out in a sudden realization. "I don't like boys..." He said quietly. He started stumbling towards

Kasumi with his arms out zombie style like he wanted to either eat her or get a hug.

Kasumi looked confused and a little scared. "Uhm... Ranma? Are you okay?"

Ranma put one hand almost in her mouth. "Shshssshshssss. Quiet nah... Magicalish

momonentassd..." He said as he started puckering his lips and drooling all over Kasumi.

She recoiled in horror and stopped supporting Ranma's weight making him topple to the floor,

where he started to snore again.

"Man." He mumbled in his sleep.

Kasumi blushed and wiped her mouth where Ranma had VERY sloppily planted a kiss. "Ew." She

then noticed the boy was definitely not wearing pants. "Oh my." She stated as she covered her

mouth... she then covered Ranma's lower half with a blanket.

At that moment Ranma's eyes shot open. "You's is a fast womon... I likes that... but I DON'T

LIKES BOYS!" He said as he tried to drag Kasumi under the blanket with him.

Reacting out of instinct Kasumi slapped Ranma as hard as she could, making him release his death

grip on her arm.

"You's is violent... like kaner...She's like a boy... I DON'T LIKES BOYS! LIKE KANER!

DoON'T LIKES IT! bum..." Ranma hollered as he started to rub his sore cheek. "I likes yous..."

He said, blushing.

Kasumi nodded and hurried out of the room.

Ranma Ran after her but lost her after she ran up the stairs. "WHERE'D YAH GOES!" He cried

out after her. He then tried to go up the stairs and failed horribly falling over himself after the first

step. "They are flat... but they goes upwards... doesn't make sense..." He said as he remained in

a semi-fetal position on the floor.

Josh smiled as he set up his futon immediately next to Ranma's and put them just so close enough

together that it looked like one big futon. "I can move it if he turns into a boy... or just splash him

with water... So easy."

Evan looked disgusted at Josh. "Now what would you think if you were a guy who changed into

a girl who slept with boys sexually?"

Josh shrugged. "I'd be pissed... I'd want to kill all the people she'd have sleep with."

Evan nodded "right... and do you understand how that might relate to your current situation?"

Josh shook his head. "Nah.. It'll be fine... I can kick his ass after all my book learning."

"Yup.. Learn him to death... anywho bought you a present." Evan said as he tossed Josh a super

soaker.

Josh smiled... "Aww. That's the nicest thing you've done for me since we first read that spell all

those years ago." He said. "...It is cold water right?"

Evan smiled darkly. "Yes... cold water... lots of it... not hot at all."

Josh slowly pumped the super soaker while glaring at Evan.

Evan looked shocked. "You wouldn't."

Josh nodded as he kept pumping the gun and slowly brought it to face Evan at chest level.

"Bastard." Evan said as he readied himself.

Josh then emptied the super soaker tank on Evan, turning him into his girl form.

"NOW I HAVE TITTIES!" Evan screamed in despair.

Josh shook his head. "You and I both know that that's not a bad thing." He said with a smirk.

Evan smiled and grabbed her boobs. "I missed you guys." She said as she fondled herself. She

then walked out the door and was about to leave when she came back into the room and said:

"Hey Josh there's a pant less Ranma on the bottom of the stairs unconscious."

Josh smiled and cocked the super soaker.

TBC

Author's Notes: Oh sweet Jesus.

(I second that.)

speaking of jesus... cameos... speaking of cameos. Mark Malow will be showing up in SI soon...

keep an eye out SI readers. You probably won't care anyway.

( How very true... how very very true... I mean... I don't care... and I'm half of the writing force

here at SI studios... where we make pornos... I lying... I IS DRUNK! I IS RANMA! I DON'T

LIKES BOYS! I got nothing. Bye.)

Morden Night: Ishano: dog smells of poo. No foolin.

(My dog is losing his teeth... No foolin.)


	52. Somebody Hates You

Self Insertion

Chapter 52

Somebody Hates You

Mark Malow smiled as he drove his brand new, used pinto. "Oh yeah. I'm fly." He muttered to

himself. He nodded to a pair of very attractive teenage girls on the way to his house. "Wussup?"

He said thinking they'd be impressed by his new car... despite the fact that it had a few rust

spots... barely noticable.

He didn't even notice the disgusted looks the women gave him followed by hearty laughs. Mark

was in his late 30's early 40's he had a slight beer gut, and a slight receding hairline. He smiled and

revved the engine slightly to impress a few pre-teens walking by.

Just then he saw a few people in the distance. They didn't look familiar but there was something

about them that triggered... something. There were four of them, three men and one attractive

female. The younger Caucasian man was holding some sort of handheld recorder or something

and walking towards the street.

Quinn frowned as he pulled the timer out of his pocket and noticed the time. "Crap! GUYS!" He

called out to his three companions who were a little further behind. "We've only got 5 second!"

Professor Arturo frowned as he jogged to meet Mallory who was headed for an open road. "But

Mr. Mallory! We can't slide in such an open area!"

"Don't have a choice professor!" Quinn said as he activated the portal and jumped into it, the rest

following.

Mark smiled widely as he drove towards the portal ahead where the four people had disappear.

"COOL! That I GOTTA try!"

With that Mark Malow drove into the portal.

Six Months later. (Slider time, not SI time)

Mark had become an 'integral' part of the Sliders team, solving many problems through his

various bumbles and mistakes and opening up many other problems as well. "Man," he said to

Quinn, who was still recovering from the broken arm Mark had given him when his car drove

through the portal. "This has been one crazy ride, but where are we now? I don't understand any

of these peoples talking."

Arturo smirked at the chance to show off his knowledge. "Well, it appears that we have been

teleported into the Japan of this world. Thus why you can't understand it."

Mark nodded. "Oh, then since we've never heard of this language before I'm going to name it...

I'll call it... 'googlin'."

Arturo refrained from slapping the pudgy bastard for about the thousandth time. "It's Japanese

you imbecile."

Mark shrugged. "I named it first."

Quinn smiled and then decided to interject. "Team meeting! Mark you take look out!"

Mark whined at that and crossed his arms. "But I'm ALWAYS look out!"

Quinn nodded. "And we've never been interrupted because of you."

Arturo nodded. "Yes, why when I was lookout we were interrupted all the time."

Mark nodded. "I suppose that's true... I am a good lookout... like when I tackled that 13 year old

girl who was clearly going to interrupt you."

Quinn's eyebrows twitched.

Arturo shook his head.

Maggie looked sick.

Quinn nodded and started to move away with the rest of the group. "Well you stay here and

guard the meeting Mark. We're going to go and have the meeting a little ways away... we don't

want people knowing that you're directly guarding the meeting... uh... right?"

Mark nodded. "Makes perfect sense."

Quinn, Arturo, and Maggie then booted it for an alley. They then kept going, and going and

going... until they were gone. Quinn had noticed that the timer only had five minutes and they

had all agreed that it would be best to leave Mark behind... they'd pretty much decided that the

moment the killed Remi with his car and broke Quinn's arm in twelve places the first time they

met.

Fucker.

Mark checked his watch. It was Friday. "They've never had a meeting THIS long before. 2 days

straight is a bit much." He muttered.

Evan was walking downtown Nerima two days later. After pawning some stuff from the Tendo

house he had decided to go spend it before they could take it from him. "Holy crap, an English

sign? On an anime shop? In Japan?..." Evan paused for a second and stared at one of the posters

in the window. "Is that kiddy porn?"

Despite the obvious add for a kiddy porn manga series in the window Evan decided to go inside

and check it out... just to see why there was an English only store in the middle of Nerima Japan.

Evan popped his head in the door and got a whiff of the interior. "Oh god, man love and B.O...

never thought it'd happen in the same place." He then walked into the store squinting his eyes

against the smell. He didn't see anyone manning the counter behind the desk. There was however

a bell to summon whoever worked there. Evan did so and soon after there was a response.

Mark Malow then came out of the back room, he wiped his hands on his shirt and then put down

one of the very kiddy porn mangas that he had advertised in the window. "Hi!" He said. "I'm

Mark Malow. I run this store. And if you speak a language that ISN'T googlin... you can buy

stuff."

Evan refrained from vomiting. "Why god!"

"HEY! You speak English! Wanna be friends?" Mark said excitedly.

Evan just stared at Mark. "Solely on the fact that we speak the same language? I think not."

"Awww come on!" Mark said. "We're both stuck in a word that speak googlin. We have to stick

together! FIGHT THE POWER!"

Evan left the store.

Mark followed. "Hey come on guy! I need a friend. I'm so lonely."

Evan smiled in annoyance. "Yeah! I could tell you were lonely from the kiddy porn. Leave me

alone. I've got things to do."

Mark groaned. "I can do them too! Let me help, mwaaaaa." he whined.

Evan started to run. Mark started to run too.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Evan screamed. "I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND! YOU'RE

OLD! FIND A FRIEND YOUR OWN AGE OLDY!"

Mark struggled to keep up as his beer gut got in the way of him being able to do virtually

anything. Panting and whining he followed though. "PLEASE! I'M A NICE GUY! I COULD

GUARD YOUR MEETINGS! I DRIVE A PINTO! I'M COOL. Really... I am...cool..."

Evan retched, giving Mark time to clear the distance. Mark grabbed Evan's shoulders, and having

known what last his hands had touched Evan Hado Kened his ass unconscious.

"Shower... now..." Evan said panting... "sweet jesus the humanity."

An hour later Evan got back to the Tendo dojo taking many detours to try to hide his trail from

the kiddy porn reading whiny American. He stormed into the house and made his way swiftly

towards the bathroom. Regaining himself he knocked once and when there was no answer rushed

inside and turned the water on as fast as he could. Not waiting for the water to get to the right

temperature he dove into the furo and soaped everything! So soapy.

"CLEAN!" He screamed. "MUST GET CLEAN!"

AS soon as Evan finished his shower he got out and walked upstairs to the room he was sharing

with Josh, Ranma, his dad and the mostly forgotten Mee'Yaow. "Josh... I heard somewhere that

certain types of dragon breaths can have a cleansing effect... wanna... um... breath deadly fire on

me?"

Josh looked confused. "Uhm... can you not see that I'm busy?" He demanded.

Evan nodded. "Yeah. And?"

Josh sighed and pointed to the door. "Get out! Besides you have a visitor... he interrupted me

earlier while you were in the bath. He should be waiting downstairs in the living room."

Evan nodded and turned around to leave. Josh and Ranko continued to do their usual thing.

Once Evan had left the room he paused. "Who the fuck do I know?" He then shrugged and

continued downstairs. Before he entered the living room a thought crossed his mind. Pants Man.

It must be him. He thought to himself. At that he rushed to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

Then sneaking into the living room he approached quietly, from behind the coach, the visitor.

"You've gotten fat in your sucesses Pants Man!" Evan said as he lunged downwards for a killing

blow with the knife.

Just then the figure turned around. "HI!" Mark said with his arms outstretched to give a

neighborly hug to Evan.

His killing blow ruined Evan continued to stab only getting Mark's right forearm.

"HEY! WHY DID YOU DO THAT!" Mark complained as Evan recoiled and prepared to stab

once more.

"THE CLEANSING WILL BE ONCE MORE!" Evan screamed. Not quite sure what he meant

by it but felt it needed to be said.

Mark ran away at that. "AH! I'm SORRY! I ONLY WANTED TO BE YOUR FRIEND!"

Evan stopped chasing Mark at the door to the house and screamed after him. "DON'T EVER

COME BACK!" He then hurled the knife at the retreating figure and the handle side of the knife

impacted with Mark's head, toppling the heavyset Yank.

"OWW!" He called out as he got up, picked up the knife and ran away. "JUST FOR THAT! I'm

KEEPING YOUR KNIFE!"

Evan shrugged and walked inside looking for more things to throw.

Evan then went back inside panting. He then walked towards the bathroom and took another

bath, all the while yelling the mantra: "CLEAN! CLEAN!"

Josh smiled as he came out of the room where he and Ranko were making up... and out... and in

and out. He noticed Evan cleaning the couch profusely and that he looked like he had just taken a

bath."Hey Evan." Josh said. "What's up? What'd your guest want?"

"A stabbing." Evan replied non-chalantly. "A good ol'fashioned stabbing."

Josh then noticed the blood on the chair... "Yeah I kinda got the impression he was annoying as

well." He said. "I mean... who interrupts people while they're having sex? Unethical I tell you."

Evan nodded. "Yeah... we should burn down his shop."

"Shop?" Josh inquired.

"Yeah, he's got an anime store for 'non-googlin' speaking people."

"Googlin?" Josh asked in confusion.

"I dunno... it's what he calls Japanese... fucked right up..." Evan said as he shuddered at the

memory of the shop stank.

Josh shrugged. "Well anyway I was thinking earlier... wanna check out the Alien landing now that

we've got some decent fighting skills on us? Might be neat."

"First off... I'm the one with awesome fighting.. You just have normal fighting."

Josh frowned. "Wanna put that theory to the test? You and me right now in the dojo." He stated.

He then walked towards the dojo.

Evan shrugged and followed. "Your going to lose... cause I've put up with a kiddy porn reading

American... that's something that hardens a man."

"Whatever." Josh said.

In the Dojo.

Josh went into a classic crane stance and waited for Evan who took up a side horse stance. "Don't

think you could beat me dude." Josh stated. "You never have before."

Evan grinned. "Yeah... well." Evan's grin faded. "Maybe I haven't... BUT I WILL THIS TIME!"

He called out as he launched a jump kick at Josh

Josh stepped back and dodged out of the way and then sent a furious punch at Evan's face hoping

to end it quickly.

Evan knocked the punch aside barely as he hoped backwards and prepared a Hadoken. "YOUS IS

GONNA DIE!" He said as he launched the attack.

Josh got hit full force and hit the back wall. "Ow. I need an energy attack." He muttered. He then

got up and rushed Evan, throwing a few quick feints followed by some deadly kicks aimed at vital

areas... area... his nads.

Evan dodged the feints as Josh had intended and left himself open for a quick kick to the jewels.

Josh laughed. "Just to let you know... that's what a Hadoken feels like... only not in that area."

He then paused... he paused some more. "Fucker."

Evan rolled on the floor for a while and used Josh's verbosity against him, sweeping his legs out

from under him and Gas peddling the fucker.

Josh yelped in pain. "AH! I've been gas peddled!" Josh then sprung up and punched Evan a few

times at lightning speed, followed by a kick followed by a head butt.

Evan blocked some of the punches but a few got through. He blocked the kick with both hands as

it was also going for his nads but this left him open for Josh's flying head butt.

Josh then held his head. "That was stupid." He then Punched Evan in the face and knocked him

right across the room.

Evan impacted with the wall and slumped down against it. "Fucker... head butting me... this calls

for the useage of late night Dragonball Z watching!"

Josh paused with his mouth half open. "What? Powering up till I leave?"

Evan smirked. "If it'll work." He then started to gather chi around himself. "KIOSK!"

Evan then leapt towards Josh using the wall to propel him. He then knocked josh out into the yard

with a Shoryuken.

Josh growled as he arose from the pond that he had landed in. "DAMN IT! NOT FAIR! I DON'T

HAVE ANY ENERGY ATTACKS!" Josh then got an idea and raised one eyebrow 'The Rock'

style. "Yet."

Evan smirked and turned his back to Josh and slowly morphed into Vegeta. "I'm so awesome."

Josh frowned. "No I AM!" He then leapt out of the pond in fury and attacked again. This time

with a speed and ferocity that Evan would have for sure been hard pressed to block or avoid.

"AH! NO FAIR I WAS SHOWING OFF!" Evan cried out as the first few hits landed right

where Josh wanted them to, hurting Evan good. He then got back into the fight and managed to

stave off most of the attacks, counter attacking when the chance arose. The two fighters managed

to exhaust each other, their attacks slowing slightly. The pair both continued with ferocity that

ordinary humans could not muster.

Josh then smiled as he dropped out of his stance. "Here's something you don't know. I read a

Star Wars book during my training." Josh then force pushed Evan into a wall.

Evan got up, morphing into Darth Vader. "Four Five and Six were my bread and butter during

training young skywalker." He said, adding the deep breathing as he flung a force powered

lightning bolt at the startled Josh.

Josh countered with his own force lightning and then the two were at a standstill once again both

increasing the power of their attack as they went.

Back at the ship. "Master." Anakin said as he checked the ships shielding which was getting low.

"I just felt two great force powers flaring up."

"I felt it to Anakin." Obi Wan said. "We have to get out of here somehow. These locals are

starting to get on my nerves."

Evan and Josh panted as they stared each other down from across the now mostly ruined dojo.

Their battle had destroyed a good chunk of the surrounding buildings and one of Evan's chi blasts

had set the lawn on fire. Evan smirked. "Don't make me destroy the world!" Evan said. "I've seen

people do it! I CAN DO IT TOO!"

Josh frowned. "But I've read about ways to stop you!" He retorted.

Evan grinned and rushed out to the koi pond and force grabbed one of the fish within and began

to wield it as though it were a sword, swinging fiercely at Josh, and getting a few successful fish

slaps in throwing him off balance enough the Evan decided to finish with a hard slam of the fish,

exploding the creature on Josh's face.

Josh wiped fish out of his eyes and glared at Evan. "You got fish guts all over me."

"I consider that a win." Evan said with a grin.

"Well it's not a win till one of us is unconscious." Josh said trying to rub the sight impairing fish

splat out of his eyes.

Evan then walked away. When he walked back in Josh was still trying to get fish out of his eyes.

Evan then swung the aluminum bat he had just obtained at the back of Josh's skull knocking him

out.

"That's a win."

The next day.

Anakin frowned as he looked at the console. "Master! The shields are at 3! They'll break

through in no time and then they'll just have the hull to go through.

Obi-Wan looked nervous. "Against the type of weaponry that they're using the hulls won't last

long." Just then Obi-Wan perked up a little as the shield fell down to 1. "Anakin. Do you feel

that?"

Anakin looked up and reached out with the force to see what his master was talking about. "The

presences we felt before have returned, and they are nearby." Anakin paused briefly. "I cannot tell

if they are battling for us or against us."

Obi-Wan nodded. "I too am concerned about that. One of them seems so clouded in the dark side,

while the other feels as though he has been raised from birth as a Jedi... perhaps they are battling

each other and their battle has merely taken them here." Obi-Wan mused as he began to hear the

rattling of weapon fire against the hull.

Anakin nodded and snatched his light saber from its place on his belt. "I do not know what they

fight for master, but their presence has drawn the natives away from us for the moment. Perhaps

we should see if we can make our escape now?"

Obi-Wan nodded again. "That would be best." He then pulled his light saber off of his belt and

turned it on. He then cut a hole out of the floor from which he and his apprentice would drop

from and escape. The moment that the two had dropped down to the ground below though there

was an eerie silence. All the weapon fire had halted and there were hundreds upon hundreds of

unconscious(and a few dead) American soldiers lying around a large amount of blown up artillery

and tanks.

Anakin and Obi-Wan looked around with confusion as they held ready with their weapons held

high.

"Master... what's going on here?" Anakin asked.

They then saw two people walking towards them. They were both thin and had spiked hair, one

blonde, and one black haired. The pair stopped for a moment and high fived each other while

shouting "HEAR THAT!" and then continued until they were upon Anakin and Obi-Wan.

"Dude." Josh said. "I told you it was a Star Wars ship!"

Evan shrugged and idley booted a soldier in the face. "Maybe you were right... but I still fish

slapped you."

Josh glared at the black haired boy. "THAT WAS A CHEAP SHOT FUCKER!" He then turned

and pouted for a second. "It doesn't count."

Obi-Wan deactivated his light saber and took a wary step towards the blonde haired boy, feeling

the calm of a Jedi within him. "Excuse me sir." He stared.

Josh turned to the Jedi and raised a hand for a high five. "Wassup Obi-Wan!"

Obi-Wan, not wanting to leave the strange man hanging held his hand up stiffly in the same

manner that the blonde haired boy had. "Wassup?"

Josh looked the Jedi over and high fived the Jedi, making Anakin attempt to intervene, thinking

the gesture was of a violent nature. "STAND BACK!" Anakin shouted waving his light saber

before Josh's face.

Josh took a step back and smirked. "Whatcha gonna do? WHINE AT ME! Whiny whine

whinywhiner!"

Anakin just looked confused at the man's antics. "Master these locals are very strange indeed.

This one is of the light side of the force and yet he provokes me whereas the sith beside him does

nothing."

Obi-Wan stroked his beard. "Perhaps through these locals we can learn something about the force

that we are as of yet unaware. Interesting indeed."

Evan smirked, overhearing the Jedi's conversation. He then walked up to Anakin and swiftly

disarmed him with a hand strike and wrapped his arms around him. "SOMEONE NEEDS A

HUG!"

Anakin tried to fight off the hugging assailant. "AHH! OBI-WAN! HELP ME!"

Obi-Wan fought off a chuckle and tapped Evan on the shoulder earning a snarl and bared teeth.

Obi-Wan put his hands up and took a step back, backing down. He then turned to Josh. "You two

seem quite eccentric for humans... is your entire planet like this?"

Josh shrugged. "I dunno. We're just fucking with you."

"Fucking?"

Josh smiled. "Yeah. It's slang."

"Slang?"

Josh shook his head. " Oh god. You got a long way to go."

Evan then released his death grip on Anakin and started to do a small jig over to Obi-Wan. "So...

what's the deal coming to a nerf-herding backwater planet like this?"

Anakin leaned towards his master. "They herd nerfs here?"

Obi-Wan shrugged and responded. "We came looking for you two actually... I assume since you

seem to know our names that you've been expecting us?"

Evan and Josh shook their heads. "I was expecting you like a kick in the pants?"

"What?" Anakin said.

Evan then kicked him in the pants. "That."

Josh sighed and shook his head in exasperation as Anakin rolled on the ground in pain. Groinal

pain. The groin is in the pants. "Actually it's a long story... but we weren't expecting you two...

we just kind of know you."

Obi-Wan smiled and nodded as he stroked his beard. "I'd love to hear more."

"Well I'm not telling any more." Josh said. "That's all you get to know. Now why are YOU

here?" Josh asked.

Obi-Wan kept a passive face. "We want to bring you to the Jedi council. I assume you know what

that is?" He continued when the pair nodded. "Well apparently there's a large disturbance in the

force being generated by you two, Master Yoda and Master Windu were able to feel it all the way

from Coruscant." He finished.

Evan smiled. "YEAH WELL YOU TELL THEM THAT I CAN MAKE THE KESSEL RUN IN

12 PARSECS!"

Obi-Wan looked surprised. "You can travel a 12 parsec route in 12 parsecs... ok... um.. I'll just

talk to him now." He said pointing to Josh.

Josh smiled. "Well we don't want to go. We're happy here. See yah." With a little wave at the end

of his sentence Josh turned and started walking away.

Evan followed. "I'm gonna go watch some TV."

Obi-Wan turned to Anakin. "It seems our task may be a little more difficult than we initially

thought."

"MY BALLS!"

TBC

Author's Notes: We write SI, you read SI. I think it's a pretty steady relationship... DON'T

BREAK UP WITH ME! I love you... really... I do... Mark Malow. Ha HA! I'm just kidding

folks. Sort of... but anyway I'd like to make a monster shout out to Mark Malow... the guy who,

through persistence, got himself a cameo appearance in SI... one that me and Evan are thinking of

making a reacurring role cause we found it hilarious. Yeah... We'll keep him in SI whether he

likes it or not.

(I dedicate this chapter to the main pederass MARK MALOW! Them 13 years never seen it

coming. Anywho... I think this has come along very nicely Jedi ass kicking, fish slaps, and

dragonball Z references can't beat that. I lost my train of thought.. So goodbye)

Morden Night: Ishano: 


	53. Please? Okay

Self Insertion

Chapter 53

Please?... Okay.

Obi-Wan smiled as he sipped tea. "Thank you very much miss. This is delicious."

Kasumi smiled at the Jedi Master. "Yourwelcome. It's not often that we get such kind guests

coming through this house." She said.

"Hey I'm kind!" Josh said pouting a little.

"You molested Ranma while he was a girl and imposed yourself upon our house after beating up

my father." Kasumi said with a smile.

Evan returned her pleasant smile. "For the record. I beat up your father... and he's a pansy."

Josh nodded. "Yeah..." He then added under his breath. "But you didn't beat me..."

Kasumi then looked to Anakin who was holding a pack of ice to his gonads. "How are you feeling

now?" She asked.

"Better." Anakin noted. "You sure you don't have any Bacta?"

Obi-Wan regarded his apprentice coldly. "Do not impose yourself on our hosts... and besides,

Bacta is very hard to produce, I don not think that this planet has the resources or the technology

to create the substance."

"YOU CALLING US HICKS!!" Evan shouted standing up and kicking Obi-Wan's tea from his

hands and grabbing a blunt knife.

Obi-Wan pushed aside his robes so he could access his light saber with more ease, knowing full

well the violent tendencies of the Sith called Evan. "I do not wish to hurt you."

With that Evan shrugged and sat down. "Ok. Can I have some tea?" He asked of Kasumi.

Kasumi shook her head. "I'm afraid not."

Evan looked confused. "WELL WHY NOT!?!?"

Kasumi smiled... that's... really... all she can do. "We're out."

"MAKE MORE!"

Kasumi shrugged and went back to the kitchen. Evan leaned over to Josh and smiled. "I can

definitely see why you were in love with her. She's well trained."

Evan found himself a girl moments later as he flew out into the pond.

Anakin leaned over to his master. "That Kasumi woman, she's a slave then?"

Obi-Wan shrugged. "It seems that way, but perhaps it is just that the female is to be more docile

on this world."

That said a female Evan burst into the room screaming and throwing fish. Josh frowned as he

glared at his friend. Evan stopped at the glare that promised doom and then dropped a koi into

Anakin's cloak and sat down.

Obi-Wan looked confused. "Who is she?"

Josh shrugged. "The local cat lady? She's got a cat."

Evan nodded. "I do have a cat... I have sex with my cat. Damn hot."

Obi-Wan became slack jawed. "It's acceptable to have sex with animals on this planet?"

Evan leaned across to Obi-Wan revealing cleavage and distracting the master Jedi. "If you touch

Mee'Yaow, I'll rip your entrails out and wear them as a necklace." Evan then returned to a sitting

position and smiled. "Friendly warning." She stated as Kasumi came back out with the tea and

gave Evan a cup which Evan promptly dumped on herself turning her back into her male form.

"Thanks Kasumi, can I have a refill?"

Obi-Wan and Anakin stared at each other. "Slowly the odd habits and powers of this world are

being revealed... No wonder we didn't chart this area." Obi-Wan said quietly.

Anakin groaned and pressed the ice pack against his groin a little harder to get the full effect of

the cold. "Can we just get this over with Master? I'd like to go home."

"And bang Padme." Evan finished for Anakin.

Anakin looked surprised and then drew his light saber and activated it. "DON'T YOU DARE

TALK ABOUT HER LIKE THAT!" He said as he prepared to chop Evan in half.

Evan then teleported out of the way and appeared behind Anakin, hoofing him in the nuts again.

"Thank you DragonBall Z." Evan said with a tear in his eye. He wiped it away as Anakin bent

over in pain. Evan then brought his knee up and directly into Anakin's crack. "ELEPHANT

FUCK!!" Evan screamed as Anakin hollered in pain.

Obi-Wan then cleared his throat and Evan sat down, grabbing Anakin's Light saber so that he

couldn't use it against him anymore. "Now back to business. Will you come to coruscant with us

to speak with the Jedi Council?" He asked.

"No." Josh stated.

"Please?"

"Okay."

A week later Anakin had recovered from his wounds and Obi-Wan had been able to hire out some

local welders and metal workers to repair the hole he had hastily cut into the hull of his ship. Evan

and Josh had packed the things they thought had they would need packed and it all onto the

starship.

Ranko frowned as she held onto Josh. "Can't I go with you? How often does a girl's boyfriend go

into space?"

Josh smiled. "Sorry. But the moment you get hit with hot water you'll turn into Ranma and he'll

freak out and try to kill me."

"Does that happen often?" Evan asked from off side as he was saying his own goodbyes to

Mee'Yaow.

Josh nodded. "Yeah. If I didn't start writing down new attacks and re-reading them to learn them

he might have actually succeeded. I mean... I can pretty much think of ANY attack now and learn

it just by writing it down and then reading it... I don't know why you didn't think of this when

YOU had this power."

Evan shrugged. "I dunno... I always had problems with it.. It was like trying to read a dance...

you can get the jist.. But it's still awkward..."

Josh shrugged. He then turned to Ranko. "Have you tried talking to Ranma yet?"

Ranko nodded solemnly. "Yeah... but he's not reading my letters."

Josh smiled. "well... when I get back I'll have another talk with him. That should straighten things

out."

Ranko raised an eyebrow at that. "I don't see how that would work but okay." The pair then

kissed said their final goodbyes and Josh entered the starship.

Evan smirked at Mee'Yaow. "Well..." He said with a sigh. "See ya later." He gave the cat girl a

quick kiss and turned away. He took a few paces and then stopped. "Oh... and watch out for

Tangutangs... I think I sicced Shampoo on you by accident... So... 'Solid Snake style' Ok?" He

gave her a 'wink gun' and walked on board.

Mark Malow smiled as he drove around in his brand new used Pinto. He had found one at a

nearby dealer and the man had even spoke English a little bit so he was actually able to purchase

it. Right now he was driving towards what looked like an airport which was nearby a public

school that he passed everyday... 7 times... on the way to work.

Mark's eyes widened largely as he saw what was currently residing at the Airport. There was a

spaceship, and a bunch of military vehicles (and personnel) laying around on fire. "COOL!" He

shouted. "THAT I GOTTA CHECK OUT!"

With that he began driving towards the airport... while checking out the honeys... at school... In

grade five...

Malow smiled as he stood near the landing gear looked at his reflection in the shiny hull. "COOL!

ALIENS EXIST IN THIS WORLD!" Just then the ship started up and the landing gear... which

Mark Malow was standing on, began to raise, bringing him up into the landing gear's

compartments of the ship.

The ship then took off for Coruscant with it's 5 passengers.

Obi-Wan looked confused as he looked at the console. He tapped it for a second and then looked

thoughtful. "Seems we've taken on a bit of weight."

Anakin nodded. "And the frontal landing gear is reporting something large jammed in one of the

compartments. Shall I investigate?"

Obi-Wan nodded. "That's okay. It's probably just some debris from earlier that got lifted up when

we took off. We can still make hyperspace with it."

Anakin shrugged. Evan smiled at Anakin when his gaze reached him and made a kicking motion

while giving him a thumbs up. Anakin shivered and turned around.

As soon as his back was turned Evan ran up and hoofed him as hard as he could in the nuts.

"PSYCHE!!"

Due to Evan's super saiyan strength Anakin lost consciousness and blood started to seep from his

pants.

Evan smiled, pointed and then started to laugh. After he had finished he wandered up to Obi-Wan.

"I'll go check your landing stuff as Anakin is... indisposed... at the moment."

Obi-Wan nodded and pointed to where Evan needed to go. "Fine... if you think you need to."

Josh looked down to Anakin who started to twitch and drool. "Y'know..." He started to himself.

"I'd almost feel sorry for him if it wasn't for the fact that it's Anakin Skywalker."

Later at the front of the ship.

Evan opened up the land gear compartment to find a large corpulent piece of ... whale? Evan

poked it.

"Maaaallllllllllooooooooooooooooooowww." It whined.

"Whales don't talk." Evan said to himself as he prodded harder with a nearby piece of plassteel.

"MMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!" the glob of heaving fat wailed.

Evan recoiled in horror. "THAT'S NO WHALE! THAT'S A FAT MAN!" He exclaimed as he

began to hit the fat man with the plassteel.

"MMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!! MMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!" Fatty screamed.

Evan stopped hitting the obese bastard whose fat had obstructed the landing gear. "It can't be."

He said to himself quietly. "HE COULDN'T HAVE!!" He cried out.

"MMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WWWWWWWWW!!"

Evan recoiled as Mark Malow's gigantic body started to dislodge from the landing gear. "HE

DID!!!!!" Evan screamed as he lashed out with the make shift weapon he had been bludgeoning

the lard ball with earlier.

"Hi." Mark said.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Evan replied as he slammed the plassteel into Mark's head

repeatedly to no effect. The plassteel object was then sucked into the man like he was made out of

silly putty. If someone had ever combined silly putty with a lot of fat.

Evan screamed and ran away Mark reached out with a hand and grabbed Evan's shirt which then

tore off and then was sucked into lardy's body.

"Come back!" Mark said.

Evan, now in just a pair of sorts breathed heavily as he stared at the door that led to the landing

gear area, the blob still hadn't come out yet. He looked to his left and noticed a space suit, he

slowly, stealthily took it and slowly stepped into it, one slow leg at a time. Once he was

completed putting it on Mark came through the door. "Where'd you go?" Mark asked.

Evan just continued to breath heavily, trying not to be loud. He then sat down in a chair and

strapped himself in, he pulled a nearby handheld harpoon gun off a table and pressed a couple

buttons.

All of a sudden Evan swivelled in his chair and Mark Malow stood before him with arms

outstretched. "THERE YOU ARE!"

Evan screamed and activated the airlock. Malow was sucked towards it heading for deep space

but was suddenly stopped as he grabbed a hold of the edges of the door.

"MAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!" He screamed, slowly

pulling himself back in.

Evan then screamed something unintelligible and shot the harpoon gun blasting Malow out of the

airlock. The door then closed and Evan let go of the gun which became jammed in the door. Evan

unstrapped himself, took off the spacesuit and went back up to the bridge to hang with the others.

"Hey." Josh said, welcoming Evan back. "What happened to your shirt?"

Evan shrugged. "There was a creature lodged in the landing gear."

"Why didn't you bring it back for study?" Josh asked.

Evan then became irrate. "BECAUSE I BLEW IT OUT OF THE GOD DAMNED AIRLOCK!"

Josh put up his hands. "Okay... okay... settle."

Evan then sat down and sighed. "You don't want to know the horror's I've seen."

Obi-Wan smiled. "Well... here we go."

With that he put the ship into hyper drive and they shot towards Coruscant.

Coruscant

Josh looked at Windu and frowned. "Y'know... I thought you'd be... more... ghetto."

"I'm not sure I understand what it is that you are talking about young Jedi." Master Windu stated,

looking quite confused at the boys statement.

Josh nodded and held up a finger. "See that's what I'm talking about. What you SHOULD have

said is: 'Whatchu talkin bout...Willis.'." Josh stated. "Are you Action Jackson or not?"

"I am Mace Windu."

Josh shook his head. "George Lucas would LIKE you to think so."

"Who?"

Evan then decided to interject. "IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!" Evan yelled before deciding to calm

down as the entire Jedi council prepared to strike him down as one. "What matters is why you

brought me here if you only want Josh to become a Padawan... what's the deal? Really? Is it

because I'm black?"

Windu looked the boy over. "We are not making a decision based on any colour you think you

might be, but what we sense within you."

Evan pondered this for a second. "So I'm not black?"

Windu nodded. "That's correct."

"Oh... well... why is it again that you want only Josh?" Evan asked checking to make sure he

wasn't black and then morphing so that he was.

Windu raised an eyebrow at the display. "Clearly you are manipulating the dark side of the force.

That is what prevents us from teaching you the ways of the Jedi, I am afraid you are dismissed."

With that two robed Jedi approached Evan, light sabers out, and led him away from the council

chambers. Evan growled at this. "YEAH!? WELL THEN I'LL JUST GO SEE DARTH

SIDIOUS AND BECOME A BAD GUY JEDI THEN!"

Windu frowned. "Sith."

"Whatever."

"Do you think this one could become a threat if he finds this 'Darth Sidious'?" Windu asked

Yoda.

Yoda frowned and stroked his chin. "A threat he and young VanHalteren already are. How

handled that threat will decide how much of threat they be."

"And that means..." Josh asked.

"It means you and your friend are threats to the Jedi way of life. We cannot make either of you

Jedi." another of the Jedi said.

"No that means that we have to train Josh to be better than Evan." Another Jedi said.

"No it means that we have to kill them and skull fuck em till they're unrecognizable." Another one

said.

Windu sighed. "No one knows what it means. Just... just go into training with Obi-WAn and

Anakin."

Josh nodded and then turned back to the council before he decided to leave. "Oh one more thing.

Anakin Skywalker is going to betray the Jedi and have everyone of you killed. You should give

him a jedi spanking with a light saber."

Anakin looked surprised and offended at the stares of the Jedi Council. "No I'm not! I'm not

going to join the dark side... I promise... Really!.whine whine whine whine whine... etcetera."

Evan sighed as he walked along the streets of Coruscant, Looking for hookers. He walked up to a

homely looking Wookie and smiled at him. "Know where I can find a hooker?"

"Groooooonk!" The wookie said.

Evan looked confused. "Does that mean yes?"

"Grooooonk!" It repeated.

Evan then turned into a wookie wearing a bra and screamed. "GROOOOOOOONK SPLONK A

DONK!!"

The Wookie recoiled in horror, then narrowing it's eyebrows to form a frowny face it screamed.

"GRRRROOOOOOONNNNK!!!!"

Evan morphed back into his normal form and raised an eyebrow. "Fucking Wookies and their

gibber-speak." He then turned to walk away, pondered something for a second and spun around

and hoofed the Wookie where it's nuts should be.

"GRRRRROOOOOONK!!" The Wookie screamed in pain as it dropped to it's knees.

"Yeah... that's what I thought... bitch-wookie!" Evan said as he walked away.

"Grooonk..." The wookie moaned.

Back at Jedi Central.

"So we've decided that the skull fucking is out of the question... but do we train the boy is the

real question." Windu said as he addressed the Council.

The big headed Jedi nodded his huge freaken head, nearly toppling ass over ankles. "Indeed. That

is the question that must be asked."

One of the other jedi nodded as well. "But who can we trust to ask this question, which needs to

be addressed so direly."

Big head frowned. "That is another question, but I fear that must be put aside for the moment.

The main question that must be focused on is should we train the Josh boy."

A voice from the background pipped up. "Has anyone seen my stethiscope?"

Big head frowned. "Another frivolous question. FOCUS! We MUST FOCUS!!!"

Windu nodded, then noticing that Windu nodded all the other Jedi nodded.

Josh stared at the Jedi with his mouth agape. "Am I stuck in retarded Jedi world?"

Big Head frowned at him. "Too many questions have been asked today... I must retire for the

evening as my mind grows weary."

The other Jedi waited for Windu to nod, then nodded along with him, muttering things about it

being late and questions.

Josh looked around at the members of the Jedi council as they all started to get up from their little

red bean bag chair thingies and put his hands up. "Wait wait wait! I have an idea, instead of

postponing this lets just have a vote. Training Josh to be a Jedi; Yea or nay?"

Big head frowned. "More questions... so many questions..."

Windu stared at Josh confused. "Which one mean yes?"

Big head moaned. "QUESTIONS!!! OOOOOH THE QUESTIONS!!!"

Josh raised an eyebrow at Action Windu. "You're kidding right?"

Big head clutched his enormous head in pain. "GYAAAAH!!! MAKE THE QUESTIONS

STOP!"

Josh looked at the big head dude for a moment morosely and frowned. "Dude, what is your

problem?"

The big headed Jedi screamed, and with a look of madness in his eyes rushed at Josh with his

lightsaber ignited. He started swinging the saber at Josh who jumped around the swings carefully

making sure not to come into contact with the burning plasma.

"Hey!" Josh yelled at the big head dude. "What are you doing? Why are you attacking me? Can

you please stop? What's your deal? Are you turning to the dark side or somethin? Can someone

stop him?"

At that final question big head stopped gazed sadly into Josh's eyes and smiled as his head

exploded, raining gore and brain bits all OVER the place. Windu frowned and shook his head.

"Now we need to find another one." He stated. "I guess that settles it. We'll train you as a Jedi,

young VanHalteren. And welcome to the Jedi Council."

Josh looked confused. "Right... so uh... I hate you all. Every last one of you."

Yoda, who had been quiet until this point, began to stroke his chin, drawing moans from the other

Jedi. "Hate, leads to..."

Windu cut him off by force throwing bits of brain matter at the minute Jedi. "We know... OK!?!

WE KNOW!!! IT LEADS TO THE DARK SIDE!!! JUST SHUT UP!!!"

Yoda hung his head as Josh pumped his fist in the air. "THAT'S THE ACTION JACKSON I

REMEMBER!!! PLANE FULL OF MUTHAFUCKING SNAKES!!!"

Windu looked confused, but shrugged it off as he force rubbed the brain bits in Yoda's face.

"Meh, training starts tomorrow. Until then make yourself at home."

Josh grinned. "Can you show me to the library?"

Windu nodded and led the boy to the archives.

Josh sat at a console looking at a screen in the archives. He moved a cursor to a search box and

clicked on it, then typed in: "Secret Jedi Tricks".

The search finished almost as soon as he had clicked go and a list of titles came up on the screen.

"Lets see now." Josh mused to himself as he scrolled down looking through the titles. "Secret Jedi

Mind tricks and how they work, Secret Jedi force hands and how they work, Secret Jedi penis

enlarger and how it works... Secret forbidden Sith powers and how they work, secret Jedi live

forever powers and how they work, secret Jedi techniques for getting around the no sex pact and

how they work... man! I'm gonna be here all night!"

Josh then clicked on the first book title and started reading.

Evan ducked into an alleyway. "Shit, Wookies can round up a posse pretty quickly." He panted.

"Lucky for me... um... why am I lucky again? AH!" He peeked his head out of the alley. "CAUSE

WOOKIES ARE DUMB!!!"

Two wookies then turned towards Evan and fired their crossbowy gun things. "GROOONK!!!"

They called out, making five more Wookies turn to Evan's direction.

"Ah fucktard." Evan muttered as he turned and ran down the alley.

He made it about five steps in when he tripped over a hunched over guy in a black bedsheet.

"HYUGH!" The bedsheet clad man gasped as Evan's knee 'accidently' connected with the man's

genital area.

Evan stopped. Lowered his knee and lift up the bedsheet around the man's face revealing a pruny

old man wheezing in pain. "SENATOR PALPATINE!!"

The man regained his composure, which is hunchbacked, and turned to evan with fury literally

glowing from his many wrinkles. "I AM NOT THE SENATOR!! I AM DARTH SIDIOUS!"

Evan stroked his chin and looked over his shoulder revealing that the Wookies were indeed still

coming and morphed into the geezer. "I AM NOT SOME GUY WHO KNEED YOU IN THE

BALLS!! I AM EMPEROR... guy..."

Sidious recoiled. "You are strong in the ways of the dark side Emperor Guy. But you have

slighted me, I must destroy you!"

Evan shrugged. "I'm also strong in the way of the knee." He said as he brought his now

dilapidated knee into the senator's dilapidated junk.

"HYUGH!" The future emperor cried out as the Wookies arrived on the scene.

"Grooonk?" The obvious head Wookie questioned (He's the head wookie because he didn't smell

like feces).

Sidious regained his composure again and got a crazy look in his eyes. "YOU HAIRY

BASTARDS!!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!" He cried out as he force choked them all en masse.

Evan smiled. "So that's how you do that." He said as he force choked the senator after the

senator had finished off the wookies. "Well..." He started as Darth Sidious' lifeless corpse hit the

ground. "I'm off."

Two months later.

Josh and Evan sat in the loft of their phat palatial estate on top of a very large building in

Coruscant. "Well. I've learned all the Jedi tricks and powers and showed you them all for your

own learning benefit... what say we head back?" Josh said to Evan who was smoking a futuristic

looking pipe.

"Pip pip." Evan stated with a tip of the a hat, after morphing one onto his head.

"Right then!" Josh stated as he jumped out of his chair. "TO THE SKIES!"

"K."

Josh and Evan then stole a phat palatial cruise ship and light sped home to earth.

six months later!

Josh smiled as he cuddled with Ranko. "And that's what we did in space."

Evan cuddled with Mee'Yaow. "We're officially the most powerful people on the planet!"

"Quite so!" Josh seconded.

The four people in the Tendo home started laughing.

TBC

author's notes: WOW! Cheap out city at the end there. I'm proud of myself. This is a good

chapter, despite the fact that we've skipped ahead 8 months, became virtual gods again, and cut

out a character that we were planning to use. Hot piss!

(Hot piss indeed. Took us long enough though... cold piss is more like it... year old cold piss...

nasty piss that is. Yup... welllp... that's all from me.. )

Morden Night: Ishano: 


	54. Okay, we’re back on earth with our

Self Insertion

Chapter 54

Okay, we're back on earth with our woman friends... NOW ladies and gentleman, I give you all

the AMAZING story of the BANDING together of the TROUBLESOME TWO! Enjoy...

EXCELSIOR!!!! End title(otherwise known as

OWBOEWOWFNLAGIGYATASOTBTOTTTEEETOKA... and that's it... ATI)

Josh sat back on the couch of their apartment watching the television with Evan sitting to his

right, his arm around Mee'Yaow. Josh sighed as he changed the channel again. "So... should we

be doing anything? Y'know, now that we're the most powerful people on the planet?" He asked

his wayward friend and cohort.

Evan shrugged. "If Dragonball Z has taught me nothing, somebody should be challenging us any

minute now... I just want to get the relaxing in."

Josh answered Evan's shrug with another, even more powerful, shrug. "Meh. Somehow I doubt

that. I mean... yes we're living in an anime world but, It's not DBZ. Last I checked Rumiko

Takahashi never sold out."

Somewhere in an alternate universe...

Rumiko Takahashi stared at the lawyer with wide eyes. "They're going to pay me HOW much to

turn it into a fighting anime?" Rumiko then jumped onto the table and laughed maniacally. "YES!

I'M RICH BITCHES!"

Evan shrugged again, as hard as he possibly could, his shoulders, threatening to dislocate from the

sheer force of the movement. "You're probably right."

BOOM!

All of a sudden the wall behind the pair of dimension hopping duo (and a cat lady) exploded,

sending bits of rubble into the room. A silhouetted shape appeared in the settling dust.

"MUWHAHAHAHAHA!!! I have finally found you!!" The shape bellowed, it's form shaking

with over-dramatic laughter.

Evan turned to look at Josh and smirked. "DBZ logic never fails... except when thinking is

involved."

Josh frowned and turned to the hazy intruder. "Who the fuck are you?" He demanded flatly.

The figure stopped it's laugh shake and stepped through the rubble and smoke. "Who am I?" It

asked as it's form began to take on a more masculine shape. "WHO? AM I!!?!?!?" It demanded.

Josh gave a curt nod. "Yes. Who are you?"

Evan turned around to face the newcomer "And why didn't you knock like everyone else?"

Mee'Yaow giggled at Evan's comment and snuggled up against him. "You should probably just

kill him. He did break down our wall."

Ignoring the banter of his friend and the suggestions of his friend's 'special friend', Josh stood up

and walked around the couch to get a more comfortable seat on the back of the couch. "So

seriously. Who are you?"

The smoke finally cleared, revealing a man with a shimmering blue cape wrapped around his body

,so as to not reveal the rest of his apparel, and a wide brimmed hat of what seemed to be the same

material which he had slanted down to cover his face. "Who am I? I!!! I AM THE..."

"Terror that flaps in the night?" offered Evan, getting a start out of the man with a hat.

"No... no that's not it at all. Although I do like the cut of your jib. No... I am the thing that

mother's tell their children about to scare them! I am the thing that dwells beneath the bed and IN

the closet!"

Josh rolled back onto the couch. "Oh, he's a homo... kill him Evan. Don't wanna get homo germs

on me."

Evan frowned and turned back to the TV. "I thought you didn't like killing people... and he seems

more like a pedophile to me."

Josh righted himself and changed the channel. "Homos aren't people. You can kill him."

Evan grinned. "Noted."

"HUYGH!!" The caped, hatted man groaned as he was lifted from the ground by an invisible

force. The man's caped flared open revealing that he was wearing nothing underneath. Evan, in a

state of justifiable shock, released his Jedi death grip sending the mostly neked man to the floor.

"OH JEBUS!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I TOUCHED HIM!!!" Evan cried out as he made a beeline

for the nearest sink.

Josh cocked an eyebrow. "You didn't..." He said as he changed the channel. He then turned to

Mee'Yaow. "You know... you haven't talked in a bit..."

Mee'Yaow pondered this for a second and nodded, realizing that Josh spoke the truth. "Umm...

how about... Go get em?"

Josh shrugged. "Works." He then turned around to face the almost naked man. "So. Who are

you?"

"I! I!!!!! AM KAYPHAT MAN!!!..."

"Gay Batman?"

"No... no... KAYPHAT MAN!!! DEFILER OF..."

"CHILDREN!!" Evan called out from the bathroom where water could be heard running.

"No... no! KAYPHAT MAN!!! STEALER OF..."

"RECTAL VIRGINITY!!!" Evan called out, followed by a brief retching sound. "Can't believe I

touched him."

"NO!" Kayphat man screamed. "Stop cutting me off! I am KAYPHAT MAN STEALER OF

POWERS FROM THE POWERFUL! DEFILER!!! OF THOSE WHO WOULD OPPOSE

MY..."

"Sexual advances?" Josh asked bluntly.

"YES! Wait... NO! I told you to stop cutting me OFF!!" He screamed at Josh.

Josh shrugged another might shrug. "Actually that was Evan you told that too. Last time I

checked... I'm not him."

Kayphat man, in awe of such a mighty shrug, took a step back. "Oh... okay then.. I ask that you

too could also stop cutting me off... if you'd PLEASE!!!"

Josh nodded. "Fair enough. So go on.. Who are you again? Cape Hat man?"

Kayphat man bit his lip. "Sort of... but sorta... you know... squish it together... KAYPHAT

MAN!!!"

Josh made a confused face. "I'm... you know.. Still hearing Gay batman..."

"ME TOO!!!" Evan called from the bathroom where splashing was heard. "BATH TIME!!" He

announced in a voice mocking Kayphat man's.

Kayphat man gritted his teeth in anger at the blatant disregard of his mightiness and threw his

cape back dramatically, thrusting his genetalia forward. "ENOUGH! You have mocked me more

than ENOUGH! PREPARE TO DIE, BY THE HANDS OF KAYPHATMAN!!!" He screamed

mightily. He then got into a horse stance and began powering up with a mighty:

"KIOOOOOOOOOOOSK!!!!"

"Is he powering up!?!" Evan called from the bathroom, where more splashing was heard.

"YES!" Josh called back slapping his hand to his shaking head.

"Oh... SO I CAN GO TO SLEEP RIGHT!?!" Evan asked.

"Probably." Josh said as he sat down and started to watch T.V. again.

"Ok... Umm... is he doing anything now?" Evan called out after a minute.

Josh looked over his shoulder to see a shaking Kayphat man with wispy energy all around him

whilst he thrust his pelvis. "Nope, not much changed... he IS thrusting his pelvis now!"

"Is it shooting lasers?" Evan called out.

"NOPE!! Gonna kill him now." Josh said as he somersaulted backwards over the couch. He ran

towards Kayphat man and then jumped towards him, yelling in righteous fury.

Kayphat man's eyes widened at the sight of the sudden attack coming his way. "Wait! I'm not

done powering up YET!"

Josh's foot connected with the man's face with a mighty crack, sending him back out through the

wall with herculean force, sending him flying across the city, quickly vanishing from sight. Josh

then dusted his hands of and smiled. "Well. That's that. Hey Evan! Know any techniques that

would allow us to fix this wall without any exertion or effort?!" He called back as he jumped over

the couch again and sat beside Mee'Yaow, who was currently sipping on a soft drink.

"Ummm... No... but I know some brick laying guys who might... cause that's... umm.. What they

do... lay bricks." Evan called back as more splashing was heard and water started to seep from

under the bathroom door. "DUCKIE!!!" He exclaimed.

Josh nodded. "Right. Do we have money?"

"NOPE!"

"Shit." Josh stated.

"BUT WE DO HAVE MIND POWERS!!!" Evan called out. "RIGHT DUCKIE!!?!" a slight

squeaking sound followed his proclamation.

Josh smiled and then stood up again. "Ah that's right. Jedi. Well I guess I'll just go and stop off at

the bank and get some funds for us!"

Mee'Yaow then looked up at Josh, tearing her attention away from the T.V. for a brief moment.

"You're going to rob the bank? That's not exactly lawful of you. I thought you and Evan were...

y'know. The good guys, as it were."

Josh chuckled at that, putting a hand behind his head in the classic anime nervous guy action. He

then looked up and then frowned. "How come I can't avoid doing that in this world?" He

muttered. He then shrugged for the umpteenth mighty time that day. He then turned back towards

M.Y.. "Nah. I'm not going to rob the bank. I' just going to ask them for some money."

Mee'Yaow nodded contentedly at that explanation. "Oh. Okay then."

Josh then exited the apartment, heading towards the bank of Japan.

Pants Man sighed as he looked down at the tiny single serving cup Ramen in front of him. He

sighed again even more dejectedly and took a spoonful of noodles, eating. "All those stolen pants

today and only enough in the wallets to buy this. My profession has hit a new low."

All of a sudden a screaming sounds out from far off and a figure fell from the sky, hit a brick wall,

and landed on his cup Ramen, smashing it and it's contents into OBLIVION! Pants man sighed

again at that and the looked over to the fallen... naked man... with the cape... and hat.. The man

then got up and wiped himself off, then wrapped the cape around himself, covering his genetalia,

which never really bothered Pants man anyway.

"Uh. You okay there? Cape..hat...guy?" Pants man asked.

The man in question looked up at Pant's man and then screamed, jumping back in pure terror.

"AH! PANTS!! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!"

Pants man nodded. "That explains my first question. Now. Who are you? And why did you ruin

my weekly lunch?"

The man looked at Pants man with a raised eyebrow and then frown. "You are poor? But... you

have so many pairs of pants. That must cost a FORTUNE!"

Pants man chuckled at that comment and nodded. "Well... These pants are actually a part of my

super power... I'm a super villain of a sort. As for the monetary problems I'm as they say in

English a: 'bloke ass seshual cocorate.'."

Kayphat man nodded, feigning his understanding. "Hmm... interesting... BUT YOU HAVE

POWERS I MUST FIGHT YOU!!"

Pants man scratched the back of his head. "But... didn't you say that pants are your only

weakness?"

Kayphat man got into a kung fu pose "Yes I may have MENTIONED IT!!!"

Pants man cracked his knuckles. "Yes yes... I remember you saying it... and umm... you know my

powers are pants based?"

Kayphat man slowly rose from his kung fuism. "Ah YES! I remember you saying THAT!!!" He

then grinned. "So umm... how bout I just buy you a new cup of ramen and we... umm... team up

MAYBE!!?"

Pants man shrugged (not so mighty as Evan or Josh's shrugs but still pretty mighty) "Eh, why the

hell not."

The two then began to walk into the setting sun. "SOOOOOO!!! We are now a team... what shall

we call our TEAM!??!"

"Terrible Two?" Pants man offered.

"NO! NOOOO!! It must STRIKE FEAR!!!! Into people's HEARTS!!!!" Kayphat man cried out.

"Troublesome two?"

"That'll DO!!!" Kaypaht man hollered.

They walked in silence for a moment when finally Pants Man spoke up. "So um... where do you

keep your money?"

Kayphat man walked on in silence.

Josh smiled as he entered the bank, tiny Japanese people flitting to... and fro. This is gonna be

fucking hilarious. He thought.

He walked up to a nearby teller, a female, with black hair(duh.) "Hi." He said in perfect Japanese.

The female teller smiled at him. "Hello sir. What can I do for you today?"

Josh smiled and waved his hand in front of her face. "I'd like to make a withdrawal." He stated

The woman stared at him and nodded. "Okay. How much would you like to take out?"

"Every Yen that the bank has." Josh stated with another wave. "You'll do whatever it takes to get

that money to me." The woman nodded again and then pulled out four duffel bags from under the

counter. She walked over to a door, headed down a hallway, and opened a vault at the end. She

walked in, emptied all the money from the bank into the bags, zipped them up and brought them

back to the counter, acting as if everything was normal. She then placed them on the counter and

Josh took them. "Thank you. Have a good day."

The woman smiled and nodded again. "You're welcome." Josh left the bank, nobody the wiser.

That is until someone else tried to make a withdrawal and someone realized that there was no

money in the vault.

Josh entered the apartment that he shared with Evan and Mee'Yaow, a huge smile plastered

across his face. He set the four heavy bags down on the coffee table. "HONEY I'M HOME!"

Evan then came out of the bathroom with a wet and miserable looking Mee'Yaow and stared as

Josh opened up the bags and dumped the money on the floor.

Mee'Yaow stared in horror, her horrified gaze suddenly turning on Josh. "I thought you said you

wouldn't rob the bank!?!"

Josh nodded again. "Yeah. And I didn't. I just asked for some money and then gave it to me.

They were very polite about it. I'm surprised they gave me this much with me not having signed

anything, or swiped anything, or even saying my name." He shrugged again. "That's Japan for

you."

"Crazy Japaners." Evan said with a grin. "Do anything to be polite."

Mee'yaow shot Evan a deadly look. "I think Josh is lying! I think he robbed the bank!"

Josh smirked. "I actually didn't."

Evan waved a hand in front of Mee'Yaow's face. "He didn't rob the bank."

"I guess he didn't then." Mee'Yaow said.

Josh frowned at Evan. "You shouldn't abuse that."

Evan looked at the piles of money, then at Josh, then back at the money. "Says you mister 'not

bank-robber'... sides... it was the only way to get her into a bath..." Evan grinned and wrapped his

arms around Mee'Yaow. "She is much more appealing when she doesn't stink."

Mee'Yaow frowned and opened her mouth. "I'm gonna..."

Evan quickly waved his hand in front of her face. "I SAID NOTHING!!!"

"You said nothing..." Mee'Yaow said in a zombified trance.

Evan then turned back to Josh again and grinned. "She really did stink though. Like a twenty foot

tall pile of Tangutang shit. I'll never understand why cats never bathe... I mean... even cat girls.

Fuck!"

Mee'Yaow frowned at Evan. "Hey! I..."

Evan waved again. "WHAT'D I SAY!?!??"

Mee'yaow went into trance mode again. "You wear the pants."

"And only when I feel like it DAMN IT!" Evan added in.

Josh smiled at Evan and Mee'Yaow's bantering and then looked thoughtful. "Hmmm. I wonder if

I can get Ranma to approve of me and Ranko doing the nasty with this Jedi mind trick thing."

Josh then headed towards the door again. "I'll catch you later guys. I got something important to

do. Later!"

Evan shrugged mightily and then stooped to grab up some cash-money. "Well... time to blow this

money on... beer... and... MORE BEER!!!"

Mee'Yaow shrugged, not so mightily, and grabbed some money. "Where did we get this money?

Did you rob a bank?"

"HELL'S YEAH I DID!!!" Evan cried out as he nazi marched out the door throwing extra money

all over the place.

"Well.. I guess I kinda expected that from you..." She then stuffed some of the money into one of

the duffel bags and followed Evan out for a night of revelry.

Josh smiled as he walked through the open gate of the Tendo residence. He whistled as he strolled

up to the front door and then knocked. A moment later Kasumi answered the door, smiling as she

always was. "Oh hello Josh-san." She said invitingly. "Are you here for Ranko?"

Josh nodded. "Yup. She here?" He asked, taking a peek inside the door.

Kasumi stood back and bowed slightly. "Please come in. She just stepped out of the bath."

Josh nodded and followed the young woman in. He then paused, his eyes wide. "Wait... bath?

With hot water?"

Kasumi nodded. "Oh that's right. I suppose she'd be Ranma now. Silly me."

Josh smiled and then chuckled again, desperately trying not to put his hand on the back of his

head during his small bout of mild laughter but the forces of the universe were just too strong.

"That's okay. I do have to speak to her wayward male half at some point anyway. He in the

dojo?"

Kasumi nodded. Josh then took his shoes off and traveled to the dojo, where Ranma could be

heard practicing one of his various katas. Josh stood at the open door a moment and then smiled.

"Hey future brother in law! What's up?"

Ranma's eyes turned towards Josh with hate and fury, blue flames burning. "You." He said, his

voice dripping with loathing. "What do you want."

Josh smiled again. "Actually. I'm here to see you this time Ranma. And don't worry about your

female half Ranko. I will not do anything with her until I have your blessings. That's what I came

for. Your blessings."

Ranma glared at Josh with all the fury of hell itself. "No. Hell no. Never. Over my dead body."

Josh then made a disgusted face. "Ew. I'm not doing it with her corpse! That's just gross

Ranma." Ranma then walked up to Josh and stared him down, his face just inches away. "Whoa

now. I'm not into guys." Josh said. "Just the girl half please."

Ranma then extended his arm, pointing out the door. "Leave. Now. Or else."

Josh grinned. "Please? Blessings?"

"No."

Josh waved his hand in front of Ranma's face. "Give me your blessing Ranma." He demanded.

Ranma doesn't waver. "No."

Josh looked shocked at Ranma's statement. He'd just Jedi mind tricked him and it didn't work.

Josh growled. "You know what? Fine then! I'm gonna do whatever I want with Ranko, with or

without your blessings! Suck on that !"

Ranma growled back at the blonde boy. "No you're not! You know why? Cause I'm going to find

a cure for this damned curse and get rid of that bitch once and for all! I don't care if I do turn into

a girl with a splash of cold water! It's still my body, and whether or not she says you can do it

with her 'I' didn't! You damned rapist!"

Josh sighed. "You know what Ranma." He started. "As much as you'd like to think that Ranko is

just a magical fabrication brought on by the Jusenkyo curse, she's not. She's her own person, and

whether or not you like it. You two share the same body. In essence she's your twin sister, and

you know what? You're really making things difficult for her."

Ranma growled again, infuriated by Josh's statement. "Hurting HER!?!? What about me!? All of a

sudden my life has been destroyed because I fell into that damned pond! Cold water hits me and I

black out, sometimes for days, the only way that I knew that there was a whole new personality

and that I changed at all was because she started writing me letters! THEN! She meets up with

YOU and starts having sex with you! Do you have any idea what that can do to a man!?!?" He

screamed. When he had finished he stood there breathing heavily.

"Oh no?" Josh asked. "Well I got thrown into a different reality, then another and another, I've

been through worlds that I thought only existed in comics, I've fought, loved, lost, been a father,

been a girl, a blue elf, a dragon man, a martial artist, a mutant... I've met God and the Devil and

caused God to rewind time and space. Now tell me. Who's got the worst end of the shit stick?

The guy who can't even tell if his life is a dream or not, or the guy who blacks out every once in a

while cause he shares his body with his twin sister? Think that over Ranma!" Josh stated matter of

factly. Ranma then screams and jumps at Josh, a rage worse than anything that Akane, or Ryoga

could ever muster, present in his mind, taking complete control.

Elsewhere.

Pants man and Kayphat Man walked down the streets, Kayphat Man looking to be in a state of

extreme concentration, his fingers pressed to his temples. Pants Man looked over at him

curiously. "So are you sure you could find these powerful guys? I mean. I'm pretty sure we went

in a circle there." He stated.

Kayphat Man nodded. "Yes we did go in a CIRCLE. But that's because the both of them are on

the move, and in different directions. One of them is incredibly close NOW!!"

"And you're sure you can transfer these powers from them to me as well?" Pants Man asked.

"Positive." Kayphat Man stated, turning a corner. "I've done it before. I absorbed some healing

abilities and then transferred them to my sick and dyeing mother. She healed overnight. I can do it

with ANY power. We will become the most powerful beings in the UNIVERSE eventually."

Pants man smiled. "I guess teaming up with you is going to turn out to be a pretty sweet gig.

Although it is a shame that you have such a pathetic weakness. That really lessens the likelyhood

of you being able to do much against most people. Everyone wears pants."

"It doesn't MATTER! The pants do nothing unless I am wearing them. And even then it only

makes me into that of an ordinary man... I do not understand it but hopefully I can find a way to

CURE that weakness one day." Kayphat Man responded. "Here." He said again, stopping. "One

of the powerful ONES is just beyond this wall."

BOOM!!!

All of a sudden two people exploded through the outer wall of the Tendo home, pummeling each

other in their flight. They landed in front of Kayphat man and Pants Man and then started rolling

around, strangling each other. It's Josh and Ranma. Both turning blue in the face.

"Because of you I'VE SEEN HELL!" Ranma screamed at Josh with some effort.

Josh just smiled back and waved his hand in front of Ranma's face again. "No you haven't.

You're fine, we're friends. Get over iWAPPOUH!" Josh's sentence got cut off abruptly by

Ranma's fist. "Oh yeah. That doesn't work on him."

Josh then kicked Ranma off of himself and then did a backflip, somersault, flippy thingy. He then

took a pose and extended his hand forward, beckoning Ranma forward. "Come on Ranma. Let's

get this over with." Josh then turned his head about 20 degrees and finally noticed Kayphat Man

and Pants man standing nearby Ranma. "Gay batman? Pants Man? What are you guys doing here?

Is there some sort of... lame superhero con in town?"

"YES! I mean... NOO! We are here to DEFEAT you! And take your powers." Kayphat Man

screamed.

"Okay." Josh said. "What if I say no?"

Kayphat Man starts to talk but then stops. "...Damn. I never thought of that. WAIT! I DON'T

CARE! I'll take them ANYway."

Ranma growled and leapt forwards towards Josh. "And you still have ME to deal with!" Josh side

stepped and then swung his elbow into the back of Ranma's head.

"Well I guess I'm going to have to just lay the smackdown then Ranma. Sorry. But you brought

this upon yourself... by not letting me have sweet sweet sexy times with your female half... yeah."

Josh replied.

This just proved to enrage Ranma even more and he launched a flurry of amaguriken punches at

his former student. Josh countered with his own speedy fist attack, but still got his a bunch. He

then decided to turn up the heat on the pigtailed martial artist. He jumped back to distance himself

from him and then stretched his arms out dramatically.

"BEHOLD!!! The awesome power of my amazing finishing attack!" Josh called out. He then

pulled out a pen and paper and started writing something down, mumbling to himself. "Yeah...

then this... and that... and one of those for good luck. AH HA! It is done!" Josh then threw the

piece of paper away and pointed his hands at Ranma. "FIERY DEATH BALL OF

INSURMOUNTABLE FLYING FISTS!!!!"

Just then a fireball of epic proportions erupted from Joshes hands towards Ranma, as it closed in

on the pigtailed boy he jumped out of the way and then the death ball stopped suddenly in mid air

and Ranma looked up in confusion at it. "What the?" Just then the death ball of fiery proportions

expolodes into a thousand flaming fists which then seek out Ranma and attack him. "CRAP!"

BOOM!

Josh then ran forward and then continued pummeling Ranma in the face until he was unconscious.

He then stood up and wiped his hands off. "That's that. Now to go get Rank... wait a minute... oh

shit. They share the same body. I just beat the crap out of Ranko too!"

Cutting off Josh's monologue a devastating wind picked up and with it, many pantaloons.

"PANTALOON TYPHOON!!!!" An ominous voice cried out as razor sharp pantaloons buffeted

Josh, causing many abrasions.

Josh, using the force to deflect the majority of the deadly pants, weathered the attack and when it

was completed slumped to the ground huddling protectively over Ranma's fallen body. "THAT

HURT BASTARD!!!" He screamed out as he stood up glaring daggers at his assailant.

Pants Man merely grinned and reached deep into his pants coat. "Ah, you don't know the half of

it." He then paused, struck a pose and pulled out a thong. "THONG-A-RANG!!!" He called out

as he launched the thong and a dozen more like it at the force adept named Josh.

Josh quickly force pushed Ranma's body back through the hole in the Tendo wall and in doing so

received a vicious cut below the left eye as a thong-a-rang shot by. "You are about to get an ASS

KICKING!!" Josh yelled as he force pushed the remaining thong-a-rangs out of the air and lunged

towards Pants Man and Kayphat man, forgetting entirely about the first thong-a-rang which came

back to bite him in the ass most literally. "OH JEBUS!!" He hollered as he dropped to the ground

clutching his ass.

Kayphat man grinned at Pants Man's handiwork. "Excellent... EXCELLENT!! He is

DEFEATED!!!" He cried triumphantly before a blow of solid force winded him, sending him to

the ground hard.

"NOT QUITE YET NAKED GAY BATMAN!!" Josh exclaimed as he got back up, bleeding

profusely from the ass. "You're next Pants Man!" He called out as he swung a fist at Pants Man,

who was almost a block away, and had his force powers extend the length of his punch to meet

Pants Man's jaw.

Pants Man crumpled. "Oh crap... he's kicking our asses!!" Pants Man then got up and beat a

hasty retreat, Kayphat man following behind screaming promises of revenge.

Josh shrugged and force grabbed Ranma's body and let it slump over his shoulder and he started

for home.

Evan walked into the apartment that he was currently sharing with Josh and Mee'Yaow and

smiled as he walked up to Josh who was currently dabbing a wet cloth on a female Ranma's

forehead. "What's that?" Evan asked.

"Ranma." Josh answered.

"I can see that." Evan replied. "Why does she look like she got the living crap kicked out of her?

Is what I mean."

Josh big sweated at that. "Uh... cause I kind of kicked the crap out of her." He stated. "Oops?"

Evan nodded solemnly and then extended a hand towards Josh. "Good job. I've taught you well,

young padawan." Josh ignored the hand and then turned back to Ranma.

She suddenly groaned and then Josh smiled nervously, hoping he wouldn't receive the wrath of

Ranma's female half... It was much worse than the male wrath.

Ranko then opened her eyes and then they flared open suddenly.

"OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!"

TBC

Author's notes: Hey. We're writing SI again. Neat eh? Well. I guess you guys can see where

we're going with this eh? Well... we don't. So enlighten us. Heh. So random. (Sigh) It's been too

long. Now if Jonny would just finish my website... I could put all the new content online. Cause

that's not happening right now. So tough. Man it sucks to be Mazon at times like this.

(Yeah, villains galore! Kaypaht man, or more frequently Gay batman, is one of many upcoming

thingies with stuff... I got nothing, good bye.)

Morden Night: Ishano: 


	55. Introducing The TERRIBLE THREE!

Self Insertion

Chapter 55

Introducing... The TERRIBLE THREE!

A man kicked a stone across the street in frustration, a cape wrapped around his shoulders and a

hat upon his head. He is "KAYPHAT MAN!"

Pants Man suddenly looked up at his wayward partner in crime, his eyebrow raised. "Why did you

just scream your name?"

Kayphat man just turned his head to the ground in response as they continued to walk their

course. "Sorry PM... I'm just pissed that they slipped away AGAIN!" He stated. "I want their

powers. They're SO... powerful."

Pants man stopped again and looked annoyed at his partner. "Okay, that's another thing that I've

been meaning to ask. Why... do you keep screaming like that? It's unnerving."

"What ARE you talking ABOUT!?" Kayphat man partially screamed.

Pants man sighed and they continued on. "Never mind. Where's the target now?" He asked for

the umpteenth time in the last 20 minutes.

Kayphat man smiled. "They're back at their apartment building right now. I can sense them..."

"All right. Lets go then." Pants man stated, continuing on.

Kayphat man stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. "WaiT!" He demanded, spitting the 'T'.

"What?"

"We are not strong enough yet." The clothing impaired man stated.

Pants man looked confused. "What do you mean? We haven't fought them yet. We just watched

him beat up some kid is all, and then stood there while he did the same to us. If we coordinated

and came up with a plan we could fare a little better I'm sure."

Kayphat man nodded. "NO! We will use strength in NUMBERS!"

Pants man just looked confused. "There's... more of them than us... Didn't you say there was

some cat girl with them the first time? They got claws man."

Kayphat smiled evily at that. "Yes then we will EVEN the ODDS!"

"How is that strength in numbers if we have the same amount of people as them?" Pants man

asked with a cocked eyebrow.

"Our NUMBERS!!! Which will be THREE!!! which will be STRONGER THAN their

THREE!!!" He screamed dramatically.

Pants man stood there staring at the mostly naked man a moment and then opened his mouth,

about to say something. Kayphat man cut him off suddenly however. "DO you got a better

IDEA!?!?"

Pants man nods. "Yeah."

"OH! What is IT!!?"

"Lets get four?"

"BRILLIANT! That's TWO more than their THREE!!" Kayphat man screamed in triumph,

following his dialogue with maniacal laughter.

Pants man stared at the man a little while longer. "Wait... what?"

Kayphat man started running into the streets, his billowing cape accompanied by the sound of

screams, and children's minds exploding. Pants man walked after him, muttering. "What have I

gotten myself into..."

"OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!" Josh cried out as a bandaged Ranko wailed on him

with her fists and nearby furniture that Evan happily provided. "STOOOOOPPP!!"

Evan grinned as he handed Ranko a chair leg as hers neatly snapped in half over Josh's head.

"Shouldn't have beaten on the love interest J-Chan."

Josh quickly projected a field of the force around himself to protect from the beat downs.

"RANKO!! STOP IT!!! ...Ranma started it..." He added weakly.

"YOU BASTARD!! YOU BEAT ME UP!!!" Ranko screamed out in blind rage as Evan handed

her a frying pan.

"HE WOULDN'T GIVE ME SEXUAL BLESSINGS!!!" Josh cried out force grabbing the

hurled pan.

"Ranko smash." Evan offered off-handedly as he flicked on the T.V. getting easily distracted from

the carnage Ranko sought to bring upon Josh. "Bored bored bored."

"DAMNIT EVAN!! HELP ME!!!" Josh screamed as he scrabbled away from the onslaught that

was Ranko.

"GET BACK HERE YOU JERK!!!" Ranko hollered.

"I think he felt you up when you were sleeping." Evan noted.

Ranko's assault doubled. "YOU SAID YOU WOULD STOP THAT!!!"

"I DID!!! HE'S LYING TO YOU!!!"

"WHY SHOULD I BELIEVE YOU!!?!!"

"Cause he wants to have sex with you?" Evan offered changing the channel.

"YES!!! UMMM... NOOO!!! WAIT!!!"

"GYARGH!!!" Ranko screamed beating on Josh profusely.

All of a sudden Mee'Yaow walked in the front door. "AHHH Lover spat." She said, taking on the

same non-chalant, almost glazed over look that Evan had as he sat in front of the 'tube'.

Evan nodded as Ranko paused in her beat down of epic proportion. "No..." She started. "It's not

a spat... it's a MURDER!!!" She then tripled her effort to empty Josh's skull, forcefully, of it's

contents.

Mee'Yaow nodded as she slipped onto the couch. "How long has this been going on?" She asked

Evan, raising her voice to be audible over the screams and death cries.

"Bout an hour... She's going to be pissed to find out that Josh has been force shielding himself to

avoid the worst of it." Evan said as he force-opened the fridge and force-got himself a beer.

"Are you going to tell her?" Mee'Yaow asked as she deftly stole Evan's beer and started drinking

it.

Evan glared at her and re-force-got himself a beer. "Yes. In a minute... T.V. is on."

Mee'Yaow shrugged. "Well you passed on it... HEY RANKO!!"

Ranko looked up from the whimpering Josh she was beating on. "Yeah?" She said in a flowery

voice as she shot a quick punch to Josh's kidney earning a groan.

"Josh is using a force field or something to deflect your attacks... better double up to be safe."

Mee'Yaow said as she turned back to the Television.

"Thanks!" Ranko said cheerily as Josh received a haymaker to the chin.

Josh impacted with the ceiling and then fell back onto the floor immediately after, which was

followed up by a massive mallet landing atop his skull. "Ow. Ranko. Why? It was Ranma, not

you..."

"We're the same damn person!" Ranko yelled. "I figured you would be familiar with the whole

shape changing concept Dragon man!" She then hurled a pot of coffee at Josh's chest which

shattered and poured hot brown liquid all over his chest, turning him into a dragon again.

"WAAAHHH! HOT!!" Josh started running around trying to cool off, but he was in Dragon

mode at the moment and he had thick skin, plus the coffee hit him while he was human so it still

hurt like a bitch. "God DAMN IT!"

ASIDE

"CONSIDER IT DAMNED!" God said as he checked coffee off the 'to damn' list.

END ASIDE

Josh then walked over to Evan and grabbed his beer, splashing his face with it and turning back to

human form. "Y'know Ranko! It's times like this I wish I was still married to Kasumi. She was a

lot more feminine than this!"

Evan re-force-got himself a beer again "Oh snap." HE said as he flicked off the T.V. to watch

Ranko's response. "This is gonna be GOOD!!"

Josh stands his ground glaring at his woman. "Listen here Ranko. I was just defending myself...

Ranma attacked first had to put him out of his... consciousness or he'd have probably just kept

going til I was dead. So what would you prefer? A dead me? Or a bruised you?"

Ranko smiled. "Well... now that you mention it that makes a pretty good case." Ranko then

looked somewhat sad. "I'm sorry I got so mad at you Pookie."

Evan made retching sounds.

Josh smiled and the two of them embraced, grinning like idiots. "That's okay Ranko. The truth is,

I forgot all about the whole body sharing thing." He stated.

SMACK

Ranko growled and started dragging Josh towards the bedroom. "No! NO MORE!" Josh

screamed.

Ranko then threw Josh into the room onto the bed and grinned maliciously. "Shut up and take

your clothes off bitch. This is our first fight. We're going to have to celebrate this occasion with

the mandatory angry sex."

Josh smiled. "Oh. Whew. Thank god. I thought I was doomed for a second... hey... what's that

long spiky thing?" He asked suddenly.

Ranko's grin widened even more. "I'm gonna make you mah bitch Josh. You brought this upon

yourself."

Evan nodded as Josh cried out in horror as the bedroom door closed on the 'loving couple'

"Dildo spiked dildo, classy broad."

Mee'Yaow looked towards her husband with a raised eyebrow. "We're not using that anymore. I

don't share."

Evan nodded and patted her on the head. "That's okay. I'll buy you a new one. Now. Back to the

important." Evan then turned on the T.V. again.

Hours of super villain campaigning later Pants Man slumped to the curb. "There are no good

super villains anymore!" He exclaimed.

"VERILY!!" Kaypaht man cried. "I don't know why I SAID THAT!!! But it's TRUE!!!!"

"Dude... stop yelling like that, you scared off half of the villains we were auditioning." Pants Man

said exasperated.

"SORRY!!!! I'll try to STOP!!!"

Pants Man slapped his forehead. "Dude... seriously... GOD DAMN!!" He paused and then

recoiled in horror. "SWEET JESUS IT'S CONTAGIOUS!!! WHY CAN'T I STOP!!!"

Out of a blue hazy light that appeared in front of the pair a white clad hippy walked forward with

his arms open clearly looking for some love. "As you call, I shall come. Cease thy yelling Man of

Pants."

"Ok..." Pants Man said, he then stopped and looked up at the hippy in white. "It's fixed... thanks

hippy!"

The hippy nodded. "Verily, thou art welcomed."

"Dude, you are my savior!" Pants Man exclaimed.

"I knoweth that. I am the savior of alleth of man kind... eth." Hippy said before adding. "My son."

"HE'S YOUR DAD!!!" Kaypaht man screamed.

"Not that I know of..." Pants Man said. "Thanks anyway... later..."

"Holdeth thine equestrians. I musteth demand something frometh youeth." Hippy said before

adding. "In returneth for mine services... eth."

"Yeah sure... whatever." Pants Man said shrugging.

"I seeketh revenge... my only worldly wants beeth revenge. And as such I must haveth it." Hippy

said, a glowy ring appearing above his head.

"K." Pants Man said. "And um... who must you beat the asses of?"

"Two humans... they are known here as Josh, and Evan... eth. I have been notified that youeth

have foughteth before... eth."

"Yeah... we fought them... soo um... what do you do.."

"Clearly, you have not been informethed of my name and titleth. I... I am Jesus Christ, Son of

God and kicker of asses." Jesus Christ, son of God and kicker of asses said.

"I don't remember that in the bible."

"They must not have written down the son of God part... for I am certaineth that I kicked many

an ass... eth." Jesus the ass kicker said.

"K... so... besides the leper healing and wine making... what do you do?" Pants Man inquired.

"I layeth the proverbial smacketh down upon all those who crosseth me be tapping into the divine

powers of my daddy... eth." Jebus said.

"So why do you, heaven's holiest kid, want these guys dead?" Pants Man asked as Kayphat man

stared on in amazement that Jesus wanted to join his team.

"They crossethed me. They had me crossethed... with nails... in my hands... which is painfuleth

and bringethed the hurt into my realm." Jesus said as he looked to the ground and cried a tear of

blood... cause he can do that... serious.

"K... that makes three of us... we need a couple more."

ALL OF A SUDDEN!!

Uwe Boll walked up behind Jesus. "Worked for Mel Gibson." He said as he touched Jesus and

INSTANTLY A bad movie was created in his other hand.

Jesus recoiled in pain. "Who touchethed me in a naughtyeth way!?!"

Uwe Boll cocked an eyebrow... cause his eyebrows are cocks... "I did?"

Jesus turned and dropped to his knees. "DADDY SAVE US ALL IT'S UWE BOLL!! THE

PERVERTER OF DREAMS AND MOVIES!!"

Pants Man looked on in awe. "Dude... we need you on our team."

Uwe Boll smiled. "Naturally."

Kayphat man grimaced at the penis eyebrowed man. "Creepy." He said under his breath.

Uwe Boll's penis sharp hearing caught that, but, being a dick head (Cause his head is composed

of dick) He ignored it and decided to make a movie about it. "All evil things need a Uwe Boll on

their side."

"THERE ARE MORE OF YOU!?!" Kayphat man screamed in utter shock... shell shock.

Uwe Boll grinned revealing his cock teeth. "Naturally." He said cockily.

Kayphat fought a shiver. "Fine... YOU MAY JOIN!!"

Jesus shivered with the thought of working with Uwe Boll (as anyone would) "So we need a

name then. How about JESUS SAVES!!"

Pants Man closed his eyes and shook his head to fight off a headache of stupid. "No... we're the

bad guys! I'm thinking... Frightful four."

Uwe Boll grinned his cock grin. "Excellent... it's rips off Fantastic Four. I'm all for it... because

they wouldn't let me near that movie franchise."

Kayphat man just nodded.

Jesus shrugged. "Workeths for me... eth."

"Settled then." Pants Man said as they skipped the terrible three and went straight to the frightful

four. "We are the FRIGHTFUL FOUR, and NOTHING will stand in the way of obtaining the

Josh and the Evan's powers so that we could rule the world!!! AH HA HA HA HA HA!!!!"

The door to Josh and Ranko's room opened slowly and Josh stumbled out of the room, rubbing

his ass in pain. "Oh god... Never ever let me scorn her again Evan." He stated as he walked

towards the couch. He sat down and then instantly screamed in pain and shot back up. "Ever." He

muttered.

Evan looked up at him with a raised eyebrow. "Heh... dildo spiked dildo... so glad I lent that to

Ranko..."

Josh glared at Evan and began to growl in a most feral manner. "So you're to blame then."

Evan threw up his hands in defense. "I wasn't the one shoving it violently into your asshole! I

thought she'd use it on herself!" He stated. He then chuckled. "Besides. You and I are way more

powerful than ten Rankos. You didn't have to submit to that. Thus, it's your fault."

Josh put up a finger as if to state a good reason... but nothing came to mind. "Fuck. You're

right!"

Evan threw his hands in the air again, this time in celebration. "WOOT!!! I'm RIGHT!!

RISSIGHT!!!... this.. This has never happened before... and to think.. It's because I knew that

you love dildos spiked with dildos that have dildo spikes... where was I? OH! IN YOUR ASS!!!"

Evan then got a confused look on his face. "Wait.. That sounded wrong... you like dildos in your

ass... I wasn't just in... your ass... with dildos... dude your fucked up."

Josh nods. "Well... it was sort of my fault... I'm not used to having a say in the whole male female

thing... She says jump I jump..." Josh's eyes then flared open in sudden realization. "OH SHIT!

I'M WHIPPED!"

Evan made a whipping motion. "WHAPPISH!!"

Josh then started pacing in front of the T.V. with Evan trying to look around him the whole time

as it had just returned from commercials. "Damn. This isn't a good thing... I gotta do something.

I'm the man. I wear the pants in the relationships."

Evan then decided to interject quickly. "Actually she should technically get half a pair of man

pants."

"Shut up." Josh reprimanded. "What should I do...?"

"I suggest a killing spree... they always get my mind off... things?" Evan said as he rose to get his

coat.

"Hey!" Josh called out, stopping Evan. "No more killing remember? Unless it's that crazy guy

that just wears the cape and the hat."

"Gay bat man?" Evan asked.

"Yeah."

"K. I'll just go kill him then." Evan stated. "If a hundred or two bystanders just HAPPEN to get

in the way then it was probably his fault... or yours... bastard." Evan then exited out the front

door.

Josh then sat down on the couch, wincing once again. "Man... I've gotta reassert myself. This is a

huge blow to my manhood." He stated aloud.

Just then the front door opened again and Evan stuck his head in. "And your ass!"

Beer bottles flew into the quickly closing door moments later.

Josh then began to contemplate his new objective and how to best go about it. After about 2.754

seconds he nodded and stood up. "It ends tonight."

Evan got down into the small lobby of the apartment building he was sharing with Josh and some

women to notice a small posse had gathered just outside of the building one of them being the

pantless wonder named Kayphat man. "The fuck is he doing here... and is that man composed of

penis."

Kayphat man then turned dramatically towards Evan his cape... and other things... flapping in the

wind limply. "SOOOO!!! You are HERE!!!!"

"Yup... I live here... you've been here been here before actually... we.. Kicked out of the wall..

Last I checked." Evan said scratching his nuts.

"Yes... I VAGUELY remember that HAPPENING!!!" Kayphat man stated.

"Yeah... so um.. Piss off... and let's say.. Fight in the park.. You know where there are lots of

people?"

Kayphat man looked shocked and responded with a flurry of his cape that thankfully covered him

for the most part. "SHOULD you not THINK of the PEOPLES!!!" He paused for a second and

then blinked. "I mean... PEOPLE!!!"

A pants clad man slapped his forehead. "I really should have been the speech giver."

Kayphat man nodded and then smiled at Pants Man. "TOO BAD! You drew the SHORT straw."

Evan then nodded and started walking for the front gate. "Okay. So... how bout we go get this

over with?"

Kayphat man then held up his hand, stopping Evan in his tracks. "No. This time I have some

ALLIES! With me. Allow ME to introduce: PANTS MAN!"

Evan rolled his eyes. "Beat him already."

Kayphat man continued. "UWE BOLL!"

Evan nodded thoughtfully. "That explains the penises."

Kayphat man then gave a flourishing sweep of his hands and a familiar hippie stepped out in front

of him bathed in glorious light. "JESUS CHRIST!! SON OF GOD!!! KICKER OF asses."

Evan now just looked confused. "Wait... aren't you dead? And like... a thousand years old? And a

good guy?" He asked the hippie.

"Listeneth here-eth! Thou hast slighted me! For that I musteth kicketh thine ass! Bitch!"

Evan nodded. "K."

"PHAT MAN!!! yes we have ALREADY BEEN INTRODUCED!! But thanks A LOT!!!"

Kaypaht man said dropping near to the ground and spreading his cape out behind him then

jumping in the air in a triumphant pose then landing in the splits.

Evan recoiled in terror from the sight, covering his eyes. "SWEET JESUS!"

"What?"

"Stop DOING THAT! Put some PANTS on!"

Kayphat man rolled backwards clearly showing Evan his asshole then got to his feet and took a

step back in shock, gasping. "HE knows my SECRET weakness."

Evan just blinked. "You could make it less obvious..."

Kayphat man took a second step back in shock, then a third for good measure.

"BLASPHEMY!!!"

"Somebody make fun of me?" Jesus said in a common accent.

"Where did your accent go?" Evan asked.

Jesus shrugged. "It leaves every once in a while. I've been slipping in and out of it all the time

ever since you and Josh got me reincarnated and crucified again then reincarnated again for good

measure."

"Oh... umm.. Sorry about that?" Evan said spreading his hands out and shrugging.

Jesus frowned, glaring at Evan. "That's not going to CUT it Evan. I'm afraid that this is

personal... eth."

Evan then nodded again and started walking. "Okay. So lets get this over with."

All of a sudden a flash of hellfire and the scent of brimstone filled the area. "Sorry, some legallities

need to be worked out." Said a shadowy voice.

"Oh.. Hey Satan." Evan said.

Satan waved to Evan and continued. "Jesus... due to some... technicalities I get to pick the anti-

christ now... Evan.. You've been tagged... beat Jesus and it's hell on Earth. I win, you get right

hand man and we do as we please for eternity. Jesus wins and it's flowers and bunnies for all."

Evan shrugged. "Good deal."

Jesus nodded. "Fine... if it is as my father wishes."

Satan chuckled at that. "Yup.. Oh yeah.. He DEFINITELY wants this."

Satan then turned to Evan, blocking the view of the others and handed Evan a crap load of

DVD's that were hidden in his cloak. "Here I pirated these... I know.. I'm evil... Anyway watch

all of these before the duel and you are guaranteed to win."

"K." Evan said. Evan then conceals the DVD's in his shirt... which doesn't really do much... and

then The Devil disappears. He smiles at the villains before him and then steps back towards the

door to the apartments. "So... we'll schedule our duel for next... month then? I'm going to set up

a stadium and... you know. Charge tickets... should be a good spectacle, so might as well make

money off it right? Heh heh... later!" Evan then runs through the door and up to the apartment.

The Frightful four stared at the door a moment and then Uwe Boll nodded. "Well I guess I better

start making the movie of this. In preparations for the fight."

Pants Man looked thoughtful a moment and then smiled. "This may actually be a blessing in

disguise. We could do a lot of training together in a month. Then we'd be more than a match for

him!"

Kayphat man nodded. "IT is done. Let's GO!"

The others nodded as well and left with him, all except for Jesus, who continued to stand, staring

at the apartment door with a thoughtful expression on his face. "Thiseth... seems fishy eth..." He

then shrugged and joined the others.

TBC

Author's Notes: Yes that's another chapter of SI. Hooray for us. Well Evan's the anti Christ and

is about to bring Hell on earth... Should I stop him? Nah. I got other plans... Well. We've had

plans for SI before... but they never happened. (Shrug) Something will happen, that's for sure.

And man. What's with the whole Evan being more powerful than me thing in these newer

chapters? Weird eh? I think I'm still more powerful. That fish to the face was a cheap shot don't

you think? Yes you do. We're leading up to something pretty crazy right now in SI. Heaven and

hell stuff. It's like Diablo 2... except modern... so like... Diablo 25. That'd be a sweet game.

Although without Deckard Cain it'd be pretty lame. Nah. He's imortal. Only guy to survive

Tristram? Yeah. Immortal. Anywho. I've ranted enough. Here's the cheater.

(Shut your lying mouth fish face! That fish attack was my rendition of... um... something

honorable that wasn't a cheap shot at all! Douche. Anywho... so I've been tagged as the anti-

christ and all that hell on earth fun should turn out interesting... this is probably the only idea

we've had for SI that almost made it out unscathed onto the screen I guess... cause it's not page

or paper or book... so it's screen... which just doesn't have the same ring you know... fresh to the

screen... hot off the screens? Lame says I... anywho I'ma fuck Jesus up... I just have to get past

his high reflex save. As the classic saying goes.. Jesus saves.. The rest of you take 28 damage.

Evan out.)

Thank you Mr. Seacrest... fag.

Morden Night: Ishano: 


	56. 56

Self Insertion

Chapter 56

Evan sat in front of the T.V., Mee'Yaow at his side. "The devil has taste." Evan said as he started

the first of many kung fu and action movies that Satan himself had given to him.

"Fists of Fury? Flying Death of a thousand Punches?" Mee'Yaow said, looking at some of the

pirated DVDs. "Lame titles." She said as she swigged some beer.

Evan shrugged. "I guess they'll teach me ass-kickery or something... I am the anti-christ now just

like my mom predicted... got a bit of a reputation to uphold or something." He said as he leaned

back and watched the opening credits roll.

"Well I'm going to head into town and do something... if you just sit around all day you'll get

fat... especially if you keep drinking beers!" Mee'Yaow stated, sounding slightly peeved at her

husband's current behavior.

"Well soooooorry! Just so happens that I got tagged to end the world as we know it and watching

movies is the best way to win the fight against ultimate good... in my case." Evan said, lying

down to fill the empty spot that Mee'Yaow left as she stood up.

Mee'Yaow yawned. "Well if it'll help you do what you want then I guess I'm all for it." She said

as she laid down on the couch and started spooning with Evan.

"Woman!" He exclaimed as he brushed her ears down. "Can't see." He said with a smile.

Grinning Mee'Yaow elbowed Evan in the gut, getting a satisfying grunt out of him. She then

recoiled and rolled off the couch. "You are getting fat! I felt ponch!" She exclaimed.

Evan sat up and felt what was the starting off a beer gut. "Huh... guess I am... fancy that." He said

as he flopped back down.

"I CAN'T BE WITH A FAT MAN!" Mee'Yaow hollered.

"K..." Evan said letting out a loud belch.

With that Mee'Yaow stormed out of the room slamming the door. "I'm leaving!"

Evan perked up with a smile. "For good?"

Mee'Yaow Screamed at that and slammed the door behind her.

Evan smirked and then used his shapeshifting powers to give himself abs again. "Women.

Gullable!

Josh smiled as he ran past Mee'Yaow in the Apartment building's hall with three large shopping

bags full of mysterious contents that no one knows what they are. Josh then force threw the door

to the apartment open and flew in.

"EVAN!" Josh screamed as he landed in front of his best friend.

Evan just tried to look around him. "DOWN IN FRONT!"

Josh just ignored Evan. "Evan. I did it! I found the perfect way to reassert my manhood in my

relationship with Ranko!"

Evan replied. "Fancy that, so did I. But not with Ranko... cause you're dating Ranko... and I'm a

married man, you pervert."

Josh just looked confused for a second and then continued on. "Anyway. I'm going to need the

TV for the next few days for my plan."

Evan frowned. "I need this TV to end the world as we know it, there is no reason you could

possibly give me that would make me gfive up or EVEN share this TV with you."

Josh then dumped out the contents of his shopping bags onto the broken coffee table in front of

him. It was DVD's of porn. Hundreds of them. Evan's eyes widened in shock. He then looked

over at Josh, then back at the pile... he then shuffled himself over a few feet on the couch. "Sit

down my friend." Evan said with an absolute calm. "Tonight we dine... IN PORN!"

Josh nodded, put a random pornographic DVD in the DVD player. He then picked up the remote

from the coffee tables cold dead... coffee table top, and sat down on the couch. And turned it on.

Six hours later, like... time hours.

Evan continued to smile as the japanese ladies all moaned and whined with pleasure on the

pornographic DVD's as Josh took notes. "These Japanese peoples have good ideas... totally

stealing that last move! I didn't know you could bend a woman like that!"

Josh nodded. "Yeah. And that last porn: 'How to manipulate your woman sexually so that she'll

do anything you want' was a good one too."

Evan smiled and cheersed Josh with his bottle of beer... and Josh's head. "Yeah, and lets not

forget: 'Flying ninja fucks from fuck town for fucks sake.'. The title alone screams

awesomeness."

Josh nodded again as he stared intently at the screen and then wrote something down.

"Interesting... I didn't know tongues were that durable."

Evan all of a sudden ppulls a commentator microphone from his pocket universe. "And the

lesbian midget steps up to bat. She's got a dildo spiked dildo and looks like she knows how to

use it... she leans in, bends her legs past her head by about three feet, dislocates her shoulders, the

bull is running towards her..."

"Shut up Evan, I'm trying to watch this!" Josh yelled in frustration.

All of a Sudden the front door opened, revealing a rather shocked Mee'Yaow. "YOU'RE

WATCHING PORN!"

Josh glared at Mee'Yaow. "Hey. We're trying to concentrate." Josh then glanced over at Evan.

"May I?"

Evan nodded. "Yes you may."

Josh smiled and turned back to Mee'Yaow. "Get useful, get in the kitchen, bake us a pie."

Evan literally beamed. "You have learned well my young padawan."

Josh frowned. "Actually that was from 'Eleven deadly ways to control another man's woman.'"

Evan cocked an eyebrow. "These titles are oddly specific... I mean look at this one. 'How to

control the male side of an aquatransexual so that he'll consent willingly to you having sex with

his female side.'?"

Josh blinked.

Evan blinked.

Mee'Yaow who was busy baking a pie blinked.

Ranma who was currently across town fighting against Ryoga for no reason again blinked for

some odd reason.

JD, who was currently stuck in another dimension blinked. "Huh, must have something in my

eye."

"You say something daddy?" His wang necked daughter asked.

JD slapped her across the room. "GET BACK TO YOUR BIBLE STUDIES YOU ABOMBINATION!"

She then got a enecktion.

Paul, who was dead, blinked... kinda... it was more like a twitch... but it still counts and so it is

logged.

Josh blinked again. "You're telling me... that we've had this DVD... all this time."

Evan looked around insanely and then did a backflip for no reason and then did a double gun

point at Josh. "Ye."

"And we've been watching all these other porns for six hours now... and not this one." Josh

continued.

Evan did a somersault, a handstand, jumped out the window and ran back into the room. "Yes,

that is what I'm saying."

Josh blinked.

Blink blinked in the Age of apocalype, age of apocalyyyyypse. APOCALYYYYPSE!

Dah dah dah!

APOC A LYYYYYPSE!

DAHDAH DAH DAAAH DAH!

Evan shrugged. "I figured we'd watch it when the moon was in the seventh house or something."

Josh blinked... "I'm such a moron for letting you pick the order."

"Well it wasn't a bad thing... I mean you have all those notes from 'Cock masters of the

Universe' Right?"

"And I continue to pray that I never have to use those. I mean... that's fucked up."

Evan frowned. "Yeah Dolph Lundgren was horrible in that."

Josh nodded. "Yes, you'd think that he would have realized that it wasn't actually a sequel to

Masters of the universe and actually just a porn knock off."

Evan smiled and then screamed. "AND HE SO GOT KNOCKED OFF!"

Josh blinked.

Chuppa, who is no longer hot chocolate mix due to the reversal of time by god blinked, then

screamed in agony as a torrent of water appeared out of nowhere and doused him.

He was hot chocolate mix again.

Chuppa that is.

He's a bad mutha

"Drink yo mix!"

But I'm talking about chuppa.

"We can drink it."

Evan sniffed and threw the DVD he was holding out the window. "Well it probably sucked

anyway."

Josh dove out the window head first after the DVD. Evan Ran to the window and pulled a gun

out of somewhere and started shooting, narrowly missing both Josh and the DVD. Just as Josh

neared the DVD a bullet hit the case, sending bits of plastic scattering to the pavement. Josh

caught the remnants of the DVD case and cradled it to his chest like it was the most important

thing in the world... like his mother or something. He landed on the pavement but rolled to lessen

the impact.

All of a Sudden two emo looking guys with white hair drove up on cool looking motorcycles,

one skinny with long hair and the other bigger with shorter hair. "Is that it?" The skinny one

asked.

"No... just some DVD... I think we're in the wrong town..."

"Don't cry... let's just go."

"Ok." the bigger man sadi, hanging his head a bit as if he was going to cry despite the very fact

that the skinny guy had just told him not to.

The two emo guys drove away as Josh slowly and dramatically got up off of the ground, staring

intensely with worry at the DVD case... "Ka... cough... Crap... NOOOOOOOOOOO!" He

screamed as he threw his head back in torment.

PLUNK

All of a sudden a green translucent marble about the size of a baseball hit Josh in the head. "So

are we going to watch it or not?" Evan called from above him with an armfull of multi-coloured

marbles.

Josh growled and then after doing a quick power up(having just read the entire DBZ manga

series the day before) started running up the wall screaming his new battle cry of, "EVAN YOU

SON OF A BITCH!"

Okay so not that new...

Josh crashed through the window some more, grabbed Evan's head and slammed it into the

ground, then continued running, while dragging Evan's head along the floorboards, then jumped

up, threw Evan to the ground and came down with a crushing leg stomp.

There was an epic pause as the dust began to settle, Josh's knee still deeply imbedded in Evan's

face. Neither of the men moved for what seemed like ages, but was actually like... maybe... two

minutes tops.

All of a sudden Mee'Yaow came out of the kitchen and called out. "Pie's ready!"

Josh got up off of Evan's face, and started off towards the kitchen. "Oooh pie."

Evan got up off the ground like nothing had happened and followed Josh. "Yes I do so like pie."

Josh and Evan then took a half a pie each and sat back down at the TV to continue watching

porn. "So what next?" Josh asked.

Evan shrugged a mighty shrug. "I dunno. How about this one: "Asses of shit dick nipple tits from

the amazon mountains of flame belching vaginas."

Josh nodded and flipped to a new page in his notebook. "Sounds good to me. But you do realize

that since you destroyed that DVD we're totally going to have to go and find another copy right?"

Evan shrugged. "Shouldn't be too hard. I mean... it exists right? So there's got to be another copy

at the place you got it from right?"

Josh nodded. "Yeah. That is true."

Later at that place where josh got that DVD he wanted so badly to watch.

Josh and evan walked into the store which specialized solely in porn and porn related items and

foods. "Dick Cheese?" Evan asked to no-one in particular as he picked up and examined a

package of said product.

Josh nodded. "Yeah." He then reached the counter where a crotchety old man who looked like he

had been hit in the face with a shovel and then stuffed full of nothing but PORK for twenty years

while having his face dipped in hot coals while rabid ninja hampsters nibbled on his testicles was

working.

"Welcome to Ninja Tit twist Porn Emporeum of Porn and Ninja Porn related Porn with Ninjas

and Porn Inc of Porn Warehouse... which I'm supposed to tell you isn't actually a warehouse, but

this store in which you are standing, unless you believe in some metaphysical reality where

nobody is standing, becasue we don't want to offend your beliefs.

Josh blinked.

The store clerk made some sort of face twitch like thing that could have been a blink, or he

farted... one of the two. He smelt bad anyway.

A ninja in the rafters blinked.

Evan looked towards the store clerk, blinked, dropped the package of Vagispam, dropped his jaw

and yelled. "SWEET FUCKING FUCK FUCKS ON A FUCK BUN COVERED IN BUM

NUGGETS TOPPED LIGHTLY WITH DICK CHEESE WITH A SMALL SIDE ORDER OF

VAGISPAM WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE!"

Josh frowned...

The cashier looked behind him... or he might have been waving to a friend across the street... as

if he had any friends or was cognizant of any streets, and then turned back to Evan and then

pointed to himself questioningly. "Me?" He asked with an accent that sounded not unlike a

hillbilly getting crushed by a truck while simultaneously being raped by a spontaneously

combusting voracious pack of dolphins.

Evan screamed incoherently and then materialized a ginormous gun and shot the man in what he

presumed to be his face.

The man like thing fell to the floor grasping the wound that looked to be right in between his eye

like things. "AHH! MY KNEE!"

"HE'S SO UGLY HE HAS NO DISCERNABLE ANATOMY! I MUST PURGE IT!"

Screamed Evan as he leapt towards the counter to try and finish the job.

Josh held him back. "Wait! He didn't do anything Evan!"

Evan screamed some more as he tried in vain to get past Josh to finish gods work.(The devil)

"HE IS EVIL! EVIL!"

Josh frowned. "Yeah? Well he's the only one that would know where to find that other copy of:

'How to control the male side of an aquatransexual so that he'll consent willingly to you having

sex with his female side'." He said.

The cashier did something that could be construed as looking up but was more than likely just

releasing his bowels... a foul smell followed either way. "Oh? That one? I rented the last copy out

to a nice young man... a bit heavier set... white like you guys."

"Oh... my... god." Evan said, forgetting (for the most part) the cashier like thing.

The cashier noticed, or at least he made some sort of twitching, pulsating, vibrating, movement

that could be deciphered as noticing. "You know him? I rented it out to him a couple months

back. Haven't really heard from him since."

Evan screamed. "OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T. THAT'S BECAUSE I BLEW IT OUT OF THE

GOD DAMNED AIR LOCK!"

The cashier looked confused... or at least he kinda jiggled.

Josh frowned. "So you mean that the last copy is floating out in space somewhere?"

Evan foamed a bit at the mouth and gibbered something incoherently. "Airlock... night... come

out... mostly." He said as he twitched around and punched at the air.

Josh then turned to the cashier. "Is there another store that rents or sells that DVD?"

The cashier shook his head... or at least he made some sort of rolling around on the ground type

motion while small bubbles on his back burst and sprayed Evan in the face with a yellowy white

puss like substance that could have been semen. "Nope, those were the only two copies of the

thing. There was a factory commissioned some Naberker Tender person to print them But then

some kid with a pony and/or pig tail came along and Maka Takahashied the factory to the

ground. These where the only two copies that made it out alive."

Evan then tried his murder attempt again.


	57. 57 if you guys want a title you can make

Self Insertion

Chapter 57

Chapter 57 (if you guys want a title you can make it your own damn selves.)

Little Billy, an average Japanese boy with long, soft, baby blonde hair took out his favourite and

only telescope from his toy chest and set it up quickly at his bedroom window. "Wow!" Little

Billy exclaimed as he peered through the little eye looker thingy of the telescoping device for

looking far away in the distance.

Through the scope he saw what looked like a meteor, heading straight towards his house from the

sky{where meteors come from} (see, when a mommy meteor and a daddy meteor love each other

very much...). Billy quickly gathered up his favourite shovel for some reason and rushed out to

the empty lot next to his house quickly, because he estimated that that was where it was going to

land.

As the flaming ball of, whatever from space, came towards Little Billy, he smiled with glee,

Wait'll all the kids at school see his very own meteor at show and tell. {Cause Japanese kids do

show and tell}

Just then the meteor landed right on top of Little Billys house, turning it into a burning pile of

rubble and family body parts. (family bits) Billy frowned at this. "Crap." he stated. "Now I'm an

orphan."

Billy growled, deducing in his little mind that the meteor was actually a alien space ship and it

had purposly destroyed his family and family home. He gathered up his little shovel and stormed

towards the wreckage.

"All right alien scum! I'm gonna make you pay for killing my whole family!" Little Billy yelled

as he navigated through the broken house and family.

As soon as he finished he came upon a sight that chilled him to his bone.

"!"

The giant blob of flesh then started to move towards Little Billy. Little Billy froze in terror as the

monstrous monstrosity loomed over him.

Mark Malow wasn't feeling so well. He hadn't eaten in like... 30 minutes or something like that,

not since that asteroid that he thought tasted very much like burnt bacon wrapped in deep fried

feces. He was so hungry by now that he felt like he could eat anything. He then felt something

touch him.

Little Billy slammed his shovel into the creature, but the fat on it suddenly grabbed the shovel

from his hands and forcefully took it out of his hands and into itself.

Then, what looked like hands, or the monstrously obese equivalent of hands burst forth from the

blob and enveloped the Little Billy.

"Noooo!" Litle Billy screamed.

"HUUUUUUUUUNNNGRRRYYYYYYY!" Mark malow screamed in a voice that no longer

sounded human. It then snapped Little Billy in half. Malow then threw the lower half of Little

Billy in the air, and caught it with his mouth, devouring it. The upper part of Little Billy was

devoured into Malows arm, and with that Malow grew in mass.

"Still hungry!" Malow claimed as he started to move towards the center of tokyo. As he passed

through the wreckage of the house, the pieces of the house and family were obsorbed into the

girth of the creature.

Evan came back to the apartment with an arm-ton of DVDs mostly revolving around space and

space travel. "Space Odysey, Contact, Aliens, yeah I got a good list." He said as he kicked the

apartment door down. "BITCH I'M HOME!" He called out lovingly. Getting no response he

flopped down on the couch, force got himself a beer and force started his first movie... about the

force... it was star wars... "Lame." He said as the opening scene started. "I'm jedi." He said in a

whiny voice. "I can't train you, you is a bad man!" He continued. "Fucking Windu son of a bitch."

He grumbled ust as Josh walked through the door with a crap ton of books.

"Just a little bitter over Windu not training you dude?" Josh asked as he carelessly threw all the

books except one across the room. That book being one on quantum physics. He then sat down

on the couch next to Evan and started reading as Evan watched the movie.

"Yeah... he's a douche." Evan said.

"Yeah." Josh agreed, flipping the page, "But he's a bad mutha..."

"Shut your mouth." Evan said.

"But I'm just talking about my..." Josh started.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"Evan screamed at Josh, followed by force turning up the volume on

Star Wars.

Josh decided that taking orders from Evan was a bad idea so he continued o talk. "So what do

you think that meteor thingy was? I heard it got up and started walking away after it landed."

"Urban legend... there was no meteor..." Evan said, kinda sketchily.

"..." josh said. "Dude... we saw it."

'OUT THE GODDAMN AIRLOCK!" Evan screamed as he flailed around a bit.

Josh got out of the way of the flailing crack monkey next to him. "Okay, that was out of

nowhere." Josh said as Evan put the monkey back in his pocket dimension.

"Actually it was out of my pocket dimension." Evan corrected perfectly calm.

Josh noded as he flipped the page of his book non-chalantly. "Yeah when did you get that back?"

Evan shruged a mighty shrug of doom. "I just watched and anime and it was back. heh heh."

Evan chuckled as he pulled his lesbian slave from before out of the pocket dimension. "Still got

all my old stuff too."

"I HAVEN'T EATEN IN MONTHS" The lesbian slave girl screamed before getting shoved back

in the pocket dimension.

Evan frowned at the outburst and stuffed some couch lint into his pocket dimension. "That

should shut her up." He said with a satisfied nod.

Josh blinked at the display. "Right... so umm... did you get any movies that actually show

building a space ship? Or you know... something helpful?" He asked pointing towards the movie

stack.

Evan shrugged. "Meh, maybe... umm... Contact kinda builds a spaceship..."

Josh frowned. "Right... so I'm going to be doing this by myself then?"

Evan smiled. "Yeah probably... honestly I don't really care about the DVD... I mean... if I did why

would I have thrown it out the window and shot at it?"

Josh groaned. "Yeah... I guess your right... ass."

Evan shrugged again and kicked back, resting his feet on the remainder of the coffee table. "Yeah

well... I'ma watch some movies."

Josh nodded. "Okay."

One month later

Evan, brushed some food out of his beard and looked over to Josh who was still sitting next to

him in he exact same spot. "Mreh meh mer... mneeeeeh." Evan said.

Josh looked up from his new book, 'how to build a space ship that can find giant fat people in

space' "What?"

Evan nodded. "Didn't I say I would meet those guys, like, a week ago?"

"What guys?" Josh asked, not looking up from his book.

"Good point."

"Point?" Josh said, frowning slightly.

"Yeah, I agree."

"Ok..."

Meanwhile at The Japans National Only Stadium Ever...

Pants man kicked another stone as he paced, he looked over to where Uwe Boll was and

shivered as the man made entirely out of penis and dick was making a movie at the moment. He

then looked over to Kayphat Man and shivered since Kayphat man wore no pants. He then

looked over to his final teammate, Jesus Christ Kicker of Asses.

Jesus was just standing there, talking to himself...

Pants man big sweated... "Man these guys are all weird" He said, not really taking into account

the fact that he himself wore nothing but pants and used same said garment as a weapon.

Jesus stopped talking to himself then and walked up to Pant Man. "I don't think they're coming."

Jesus said.

Kayphat man suddenly turned around at this statement and stormed up to Jesus and Pants Man.

"NO! They have TO come! They GAVE their WORD!"

"But it's been over a month since they said they'd set this up." Pants Man seconded.

Kayphat Man looked sad. "But what if THEY went TO a DIFFERENT stadium!" He asked,

desperate for some sort of indication that there might be a chance that they haven't been stood up.

Pants man sighed. "This is the only stadium in Japan." He said.

Kayphat man sighed and slumped down on the ground. "Lets just wait a little longer. I'm sure

they'll COME!"

Pants man groaned. "Fine. Just one more day though."

Evan chuckled as he finished watching a youtube video about a little boy who created a planet

with gay unicorns. "This shit is retarded." Evan then went off to the fridge and actually got

himself a beer. "But it does give me ideas..."

Josh grumbled something. "Yes, course... gay unicorns!" He shook his head. "Fuck your

retarded."

Evan went on as if he hadn't heard. "All I need is a magic lamp and I could make a space ship or

something and we could go into space!"

Josh slammed his book on the table. "You ass! If you had a magic lamp you could just wish for

the DVD!"

"Yes... yes... space ship..." Evan continued, still ignoring Josh. "I'll be back! I have a lamp to

find!" with that Evan took off through the kitchen, and jumped through the window into the

streets below.

Josh just shook his head. "Jack ass." He muttered to himself. Just then he closed the cover of the

book he was reading: 'how to turn your ship into a giant transforming robot' and picked up the

next book smiling. "This should be useful." he exclaimed, opening 'the MacGuyver Guide To

Building Anything Out of Anything' and starting to read.

Evan landed on the street below and began to make his way to a lamp store (Cause they totally

have those in japan, shut up). *Best idea ever* He thought to himself as he half-skipped down

the street, being careful to avoid the various homeless people.

Five long minutes later

"Hello lamp clerk, I would be obliged to rub upon your lamps." Evan said to the lamp clerk who

was in charge of the lamp store.

"Why of course sir." The lamp made man said, as he was made of lamps. "Our lamps are here

for the rubbing."

Evan's daydream broke as he tripped on a homeless dude. "HEY HOMELESS! GET OUT OF

MY WAY!" He yelled as he kicked the man and took his cup of change as revenge. "Bastard, not

being housed... this'll teach him."

"MAH BUYING A HOUSE FUND!" The Homeless man yelled out.

Evan stopped, as if smitten with an idea of such magnitude that it could reach out and punch.

"Yes... yes that's it!" He said to himself, taking a most serious tone. "homeless man, you have

solved my problem... I shall now bestow upon you a power... the power of...

HOMELESSNESS!" Evan bellowed. "HA HA!"

And with that he ran home to tell Josh the great idea.

Josh smiled as he finished his last book. "I think I should be able to do this now." Just then he

heard the doorbell ring.

Curiously Josh walked over to the door and opened it. There stood Ranko. She looked sad.

"Ranko?" Josh asked.

Rankoe eyes suddenly started to water and she leapt forward hugging Josh as tight as she could.

"Where have you BEEN!" She asked.

Josh looked confused. "Uhm... I was right here."

"But I've been trying to call you for months!" She bawled. "Why didn't you answer the phone!

Or the door!" She wailed.

Josh looked confused. "Uhh... I was reading."

Ranko then took a step back, her head hung. "Are you avoiding me?" She asked. "I'll understand

if you are... I mean, I'm nothing but a no good half person who wants to kill you in one form and

love you in the other."

Josh continued to look confused. "Uh... I was just reading. Me and Evan are trying to study up so

that we can build a spaceship and go find someone that we left in space."

"So... You don't hate me?" Ranko asked.

Josh rolled his eyes. "Of course not. I've just been busy." Ranko smiled wide and leapt at Josh

again, wrapping her arms around him in a bone crushing hug.

All of a sudden Evan came back, through the same window that he had jumped out of before.

"DUDE!" Evan yelled, running towards Josh and Ranko, with a shopping bag, full of what

looked like more DVDs.

Josh looked curious as Evan stopped in front of them. "I totally figured it out." Evan said.

"Figured what out?" Ranko asked.

Evan smiled even wider and pulled a DVD out of the bag. The DVD was Aladdin, the Disney

movie.

Josh looked confused. "You're going to watch Aladdin?" He asked.

Evan nodded.

Josh frowned. "And you're going to try to learn how to grant wishes?"

Evan nodded, smiling wider than before.

Josh now looks unimpressed. "So that you could wish for a spacesh..."

Just then Ean cut Josh off. "So I can WISH! For a SPACESHIP!"

Josh and Ranko stood there looking at Evan for a few minutes, taking breaks every few seconds

or so to just blink. Finally Josh opened his mouth to talk. Ranko cut him off though. "You're an

idiot."

Evan wasn't listening anymore. he was busy watching Alladin. "This is quite possibly the most

brilliant idea I've ever had." He exclaimed as he munched on some popcorn.

"So..." josh started, turning his attention back to Ranko. "Want to get out of here? I have to go

pick up some things here and there around town anyways."

Ranko smiled and nodded as she looped her arm around Josh's. "I would be glad to accompany

you good sir."

With that Josh and Ranko left the apartment building.

Ranko looked confusedly at Josh as he bought another item at a hardware store and then made it

suddenly somehow disappear.

"So how does the whole pocket dimension thing work?" Ranko asked as they continued on out of

the store.

Josh looked at her questioningly. "How do you mean?"

Ranko shrugged. "You know, how does it work? It doesn't appear to obey the laws of physics

much, and like you said before all you had to do to be able to have a pocket dimension is exist in

a anime based universe right? But how does it work?"

Josh nodded at that. "Ah. Well I have a theory about that. Now remember when we pissed off

God and he rewound the multiverse?"

Ranko nodded.

Josh continued. "Well I figure that since God exists there's really no definite rule to the

multiverses. It's all basically figured out by him, and he's decreed that there are basically worlds

for every idea that any person ever has. So if you come up with an idea about a boy who likes pie,

and then it turns out that the pie is actually a invention by demons used to enslave people but

then he's the only one that can't be controlled by them and then he has to fight off the demons by

himself..." Josh then took a deep breath. "Well that would creat an entirely new universe, and if I

decided that I wanted it to be an anime then it would have anime physics and people within that

universe could all use pocket dimensions"

Ranko looked inquisitive. "Wouldn't that mean that we're all god in some way?"

Josh looked contemplative at that. "That must be where the whole 'in gods image' idea comes

from... but no. He's the man that makes it happen. He probably just sets up conitions so that

everytime someone comes up with any characers or ideas new universes are automatically made

to fit them. so that's why there's so many infinite numbers of realities."

Ranko looked intrigued. "That's kinda cool."

Josh nodded "Yeah. It's also kinda cool that you undserstand what I'm talking about. I mean, you

came from Ranma right?" Josh laughed at that and Ranko frowned playfully and punched him in

the arm.

"Jerk" She said.

Josh stuck out his tongue. "Uncute."

The couple burst out laughing at Ranma and Akane's expense.

Evan smiled as the credits to Alladin and the kind of theives began to roll. "Now." Evan said

with an evil grin. "Now I have the power!"

He then leapt up off the couch and rubbed his forehead yelling: "I WISH FOR A SPACESHIP!"

Nothing happened.

"I WISH FOR A SPACESHIP!" Evan yelled again, rubbing his forehead till it was red.

Again, nothing happened.

"SPACE! SHIP!" He screamed, rubbing with increased vigor and beginning to draw blood.

Once again, nothing happened.

Evan sat down looking utterly defeated. "Well fuck,... That did not go quite as I planned it." He

frowned and sat down. "Maybe I'm not wishing hard enough?"

All of a sudden there was a knock on the door.

Evan got up and walked to the door. "Who's there?" He asked as he rubbed his head again, this

time more gentily.

"It's me... Mee'Yaow." Came a cat-voice from the other side of the door.

"Oh... well what the fuck?" Evan replied as he wandered off to the bathroom to get bandages,

force-openning the door as an afterthought.

"I decided to come back." Mee'Yaow said, sounding passive.

"That's nice." He said blankly as he patched up his forehead in the bathroom mirror.

"Aren't you going to ask me why I'm back?" She asked, sounding more angry.

"No... I trust your decision making skills." Evan said finishing his bandage job.

"I wish you would understand!" Mee'Yaow yelled.

"Ok." Evan said, and suddenly he was hit with a wave of realization. "Wait... I do understand... I

understand completely!"

"Really?" Mee'Yaow asked hopefully.

"Yeah... I really do..." Evan replied pensively. "But I don't know why..."

"That's wonderful Evan, I'm so happy!" Mee'Yaow exclaimed as she glomped the bandaged boy.

"So you'll change?"

"Nope." Evan said. "Probably not."

Mee'Yaow released Evan and slinked back. "Really?"

"Yeah..."

Mee'Yaow looked defeated. "I wish I was married to someone else sometimes." She muttered

under her breath.

"Ok." Evan stated simply and handed her a materialized contract.

"What's this?" She asked.

"What you wished for." Evan stated simply. "On Tuesdays and Wednesdays you are married to

me... every other day you are married to this guy named Shiro Matsumoto."

"Who's that?"

"I dunno, just some random Japanese guy... he lives in Tokyo." Evan said pointing out something

on the paper. "That's his address for now, but he'll be moving in on Saturday."

"You're kidding right?"

"No, this is legally binding. I hope you and Shiro get along... I hear he's whiny." Evan said as he

force-opened the fridge and force-got himself a beer. "One more, he muttered under his breath... I

think that's how it works." He shook his head. "Should have seen this coming."

"What was that?" Mee'Yaow asked, straining to hear.

"Nothing, don't worry about it. Anything else you want?" Evan asked, crossing his arms all

Genie-like.

"Um... I dunno... get me a beer?" Mee'Yaow asked cautiously.

Evan handed her his beer. "Your wish is my command." He said.

"Really?" She asked, carefully taking the beer.

"Not any more... your three are up woman." Evan said cheerfully.

"Huh?"

"Nevermind." Evan said as he sat down and started watching more movies.

Josh and Ranko returned to the Apartment where Mee'Yaow and Evan were arguing. "Why

didn't you tell me!" Mee'Yaow screamed at Evan as she threw some whiney guy named Shiro at

him.

"Didn't seem important." Evan shriugged.

Mee'Yaow screamed picked up Shiro and started using him like a club on Evan. "If you had

warned me I wouldn't BE HALF MARRIED TO THIS RANDOM WHINEY JAPANER

PUKE!"

"Mreeeeeeeh!" Shiro cried. "I don't want to be a clubbing device!" He whined.

"Let me guess." Josh asked as Evan swiftly dodged the embodiment of whininess. "You didn't

tell her that you were part Genie after watching Alladin and then she made three poorly thought

out, if thought out at all, wishes right?" Josh continued.

Evan gave a thumbs up and continued dodging. "Yeah and now I'm sharing marital duties with

Shiro. He said as he plucked Shiro out of the air and held him up for Joshes inspection.

Josh looked the fellow up and down. "Looks kind of whiney." He then turned to Mee'Yaow.

"You could do better."

"I want my mommyyyy! Mreeeeh!" Shiro whined.

"Yeah." Evan nodded. "But I've got it under control somewhat. At first anyone who wished

would get their wish, up to three, but now I can decide to grant or not."

"Could have worked on that earlier!" Mee'Yaow screamed.

"Whatever, I'm not married to you today, I don't have to put up with your crap." Evan added

flippantly to his half ex-wife.

"So do you want me to wish for your spaceship for you?" josh asked Evan.

Evan glared at him. "You don't get no wishes fool."

Josh looked perplexed and annoyed at the same time. "What the HELL dude!" Josh yelled.

"Don't you want that spaceship!" He asked.

"You'd probably wish a big floppy homo dick on the front of it or something cause you're gay!"

Evan said crossing his arms. "I don't grant homo wishes." He chuckled to himself. "Silly homo."

"I should kill you." Josh stated rather unamusedly.

"You'll _WISH_ you hadn't!" Evan said bursting with laughter.

Josh then punched Shiro in the face, sending him ragdolling towards Evan, who was struck full

force in the forehead by Shiros crotch.

Shiro felt the pain that Evan didn't.

Evan slid back by the force of the Shiro, holding his head block steady and strong. As soon as

Evan and shiro came to a stop, Mee'Yaow tripped Evan from behind and boot stomped his

crotch.

"Where did you get those boots!" Evan whimpered.

Mee'Yaow sniffed in disdain and started walking away. "I wished for them. Jerk!" She then

slammed the door to the apartment as she left.

Evan regained composure. "No she didn't... I would know." He said as he hucked Shiro out the

window.

"MREEEeeeeeennn n n n ch..." Shiro whined as he left the building.

"I hate that guy." Evan muttered as he sat down on the couch. "So... what's new with you guys?"

"Not much." Josh stated as he sat down on the couch beside Evan, Ranko sat down next to him

and Josh put his arm around her. "Just went shopping for parts for the spaceship that I'm going to

be making."

"The ga..."

"The NOT gay spaceship." Josh said, cutting off Evan as fast as he could. Josh then force pressed

the power button on the T.V.

The channel that it came up on was the Japan national only news channel on T.V.. The reporter

was standing beside a largely destroyed portion of Tokyo. with a giant monster of fat and blubber

and awful pedoness destroying and devouring other sections of the city behind her.

"Herro. Dis is Masuhiko Sakurakoko. Ah ama hele ata tuukyo squa, whele a giantu monsotoro

isu bureakuingu thea shity."

Josh changed the channel before he even noticed Mark Malow in the T.V. He turned it to some

aweful anime with bad engrish dubbing.

The character on the screen was sone Japanese scientist. He was talking to a group of his scientist

coleagues. "Herro correagues. Me am Masuka Sakurai. Ah havu jastu larnedu thatu Gojira, a

gianto monosotoro isu bureakuingu thea shity."

One of the other scientists suddenly stood up went wide eyed and screamed. "Regenerator G-1"

TBC

Author's notes: {Holy shit. I... I just had to end the chapter there. I just could not top that. Not at

all. In my life. Regenerator G-1... I mean come on! No. No more on this chapter. That's it. We'll

start another chapter when we stop laughing. Well. 57... We're going pretty good with SI. We'll

be at the final chapter of number 100 in no time eh? That's all from me. I need to hand this off to

Evan. Good night.}

(wow... Godzilla 2000 for the win. The mental picture is the best mental picture I can ever have

ever... I'm going to like be at my marriage or something and in the middle of walking down the

aisle the image will hit me and I'll be like... "sorry... to funny.. can't do this today." Like that... it's

that funny. FOR SERIOUS!)

Morden Night:

.com

Agasaki Ishano:


	58. 58 Looking around my room

Self Insertion

Chapter 58

I'm randomly looking around my room so I'm going to call this chapter

Clock Zombies Teenage Pillow Door Sweater Sticker Book

Evan walked up to Josh in the apartment. Josh was currently working on some electronics in the

apartments wall. "Whatcha working on?" Evan asked.

"The flux capacitor." Josh responded.

"Oh." Evan said, not really getting what he was talking about since losing all his tech knowledge. "K."

he said.

Josh then wiped his hands and then turned to Evan. "Hey, have you seen my Mega condenser?"

Evan lowered his beer and looked confused. "What?"

Josh berated himself. "Hm, I must be saying that too fast. Have you seen, my mega condenser?"

"Ya lost me." Evan replied.

"I'm still saying it too fast." Josh muttered under his breath. Evan took another sip of his beer, still

staring at Josh.

"Evan." Josh began. "Have. you seen. My. Mega condenser?"

Evan shook his head. "Not since yesterday."

Josh looked thoughtful for a moment. "Hmm... We have to find the mega condenser."

Evan shrugged. "Why don't we put up posters around town?" Evan asked.

Josh shrugged. "Couldn't hurt. I've been carrying that thing all over the place with me today. It could be anywhere in Tokyo." Josh replied.

"Right then." Evan nodded. "Let me just get my travelling beers and I'll head out with you."

Josh nodded. "Cool."

As Evan and Josh were walking down the street Evan was looking at a map. "Dude." Evan started. "We are so lost."

Josh then looked over Evan's shoulder at the map. and points at a spot. "We were here right? So if we

go straight down here and take a right at Mamokokotokomomachi street we should get to that shop

stand that that lady said she saw the mega condenser at."

Evan looked confused and turned the map around. "Are you sure? I thought it was

mahokomorotomokodomo street." Evan stated.

Josh then grabbed the map and turned it around a few times. "Fuck we're lost."

Evan looked around confusedly. "Should we ask for directions?" Evan asked.

Josh then pointed over to a small group of obvious foreigners who are obviously only just visiting

Japan for the first time and started walking towards them. "Lets ask them."

Evan nodded. "Okay."

"Hi." Josh said the the trio of foreigners. "We're a little lost. Think you could give us directions?"

Evan and Mee'Yaow sat awkwardly on the couch in the apartment, the T.V. turned off, and a

counsellor sitting on a chair in front of them. The counsellor folded his hands effemenately and said.

"Now, I don't normally do house calls, but you two seem to be in deep trouble with your relationship...

plus it's not everyday that you get to see a real live cat girl. Mreeeaow." He said, doing the cat paw

motion.

Evan then burst into laughter and started pointing at the marriage councellor. "BWAAA HA HA HA

AAA! You smoke pole! MREH HNEH HNEEEE!"

Mee'Yaow punched Evan hard in the arm. "Stop it Evan! We need to get this settled somehow!"

Shirow who was sitting on the other side of Evan nodded. "Yeah! You never listen! Mreeeeh!"

"I told you not to say a word!" Mee'Yaow said, pointing a finger at Shirow with one hand and a

butcher knife with the other.

"Mreeeeeeeeeh Mneh." Shirow whined as he shrank back into the couch.

Mee'Yaow sat down again and smoothed her hair back that was standing on end. The gay councellor

looked intrigued and then spoke. "So what seems to be the problem with your relationship right now.

"Well..." Mee'Yaow Started.

Evan then leapt off the couch, started making motions from his crotch outward dramatically while

screaming: "BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!"

Mee'Yaow took a hammer from behind her and threw it at the T.V. breaking it. Evan stared in horror

as it fritzed out. "YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!"

Evan sat down looking smug then suddenly shot a look top the councellor and mouthed 'blood blood

blood'

"So I see there are some anger issues that need to be dealt with..." He said, mostly to himself.

At that Evan stood back up and walked over to the councellor. "I! AM NOT! ANGRY!" He yelled as

angrily as he could before kicking the councellor in the shin. "BITCH PLEASE!" He hollered before

he went back to the couch and sat down as if nothing had happened.

"WHAT THE HELL!" The fag councellor screamed. "Why did you do that?" He questioned.

"What the fuck are you talking about cock-smoker?" Evan asked non-chalantly.

"I resent that remark!" The fop yelled.

"Resemble is more like. WIN!" Evan yelled, shooting his hands in the air triumphantly.

"THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!" Mee'Yaow cried out. "He doesn't take anything

seriously and now because of him I'm married to this whiny bitch!"

"Mhreeeeeeeeeen" Shiro interjected before Mee'Yaow slapped him.

"I can't take this shit anymore!" Mee'Yaow said as she got up as if to leave the room.

"Don't go cat girl." The councellor with a cock appreciation said passively.

"Fuck you queer." Mee'Yaow retorted wittily.

"Serves you right." Evan said to no-one in particular.

"What?" Mee'Yaow said, turning around looking angry.

"Huh?" Evan asked.

"Serves who right?" Mee'Yaow asked, as she moved closer to Evan.

"The shit are you talking about?"

"You said 'Serves you right'. Were you talking to me or faggy mcfagfag over here?" Mee'Yaow

queeried.

"Hey I resent..."

"RESEMBLE!" Evan interjected, silencing the homo.

"Answer me." Mee'Yaow stated venomously.

"HAPAW!" Evan yelled as he force-threw Shiro at the councellor.

Mee'Yao was un-phased. "Answer me." She said, more darkly than before.

Evan stood up and looked Mee'Yaow in the eyes. "GOTCH YER NOSE!" He yelled as he grabbed at

Mee'Yaow's face and promptly ran out of the room to parts unknown.

'What the fuck..." Mee'Yaow wondered outloud.

Josh sighed as he came out of the café that he and the tourists had sat down to take a drink and discuss

geography. "Man." He said out loud to himself as the tourists took off to parts unknown. "Where the

hell did Evan go?" He wondered. "He left to take a piss like three hours ago."

Just then Evan came up behind him. "Dude. What's up?" He asked.

Josh looked confused. "Dude, where've you been?"

Evan shrugged. "Marriage counciling thing with Meow."

"You mean Mee'Yaow." Josh corrected.

"Evan shruged. Whatever." Evan replied with a shrug.

"Why did you just say that?" Josh asked.

"What?" Evan enquired.

"You just narrated the fact that you just shrugged." Josh replied.

Evan just shrugged again. "Right. Well I was just over there inside the apartment and Meow was

waiting for me with some faggy marriage councellor guy. Had a talk, everything's better now." Evan

said with a smile.

Josh looked at Evan with an unconvinced raised eyebrow. "Right, well, obviously I'm not going to find

my Mega Condensor so I guess I'll just make a new one. You have a toaster and a banana peel right?"

He asked.

Evan nodded slowly... "So... you could have just made another one out of the toaster and a banana peel

and instead dragged me all around tokyo, like in a circle... to find the one you lost?"

Josh shrugged. "Yeah so? I didn't wanna make it again."

"You're such a douche." Evan said before continuing on his walk to wherever the hell he was going.

Josh shrugged and entered the apartment to continue working on the spaceship.

1 month later

Josh sat in the living room seemingly fixing the T.V., Mee'Yaow sitting on the couch behind him with

Shirow, with at least a meter between them. "Hurry up." Mee'Yaow said. "It's almost on."

Josh glared at her. "Give me a break! This is delicate work, I'm almost done."

Just then Evan came back. "HEY GUYS! I'm back from wherever the hell I've been up until this

point!"

Mee'Yaow then jumped off of the couch and latched onto Evan. "EVAN!" She screamed, genuinly

excited to see him. "Where have you been this past month!" she demanded.

Evan shrugged. "I already told you, wherever the hell I've been up to this point. Don't you listen

woman?" He asked.

Mee'Yaow shrugged it off and just continued hugging him. Evan looked confused at this. "So... you're

not mad at me?"

Mee'Yaow laughed. "Are you kidding? After being married to this whiney bitch for a month I can't

wait for the divorce papers to go through so that it's just you and me again."

Evan nodded. "Makes sense."

"MREEEEEEEEH!" Shirow whined.

Evan then force pushed him out of the window.

This time he went splat and died.

"OH MY GOD THAT MAN JUST FELL OUT OF THAT WINDOW AND DIED!" Some lady

randomly yelled from below.

"AND HE WENT SPLAT TOO!" Some guy said.

Mee'Yaow looked shocked and aghast for a moment before shrugging it off and chuckling. "Y'know

I'd normally berate you for killing someone, but That time, I was glad you did." She said.

"Me too." Josh said.

"Me too. Mreeeeeh!" Shirows visiting for the weekend twin brother said whinily before Josh force

pushed him out the same window making him go just as splat as the last of the whiney mans.

"OH MY GOD ANOTHER MAN HAS FALLEN OUT OF THAT VERY SAME WINDOW AS THE

MAN WHO FELL OUT NOT THREE MINUTES AGO AND DIED!"

"AND HE ALSO WENT SPLAT!" Some guy said.

"Damn peanut gallery." Evan muttered as he closed the window.

Just then Josh closed up the front panel on the T.V. "There. That aughta do it." he said. He then walked

over to the couch, picking up the remote off the new coffee table on the way and sat down.

He then turned it on.

The house then started to shake. Walls started moving, floor panels shifted, ceilings collapsed revealing

machinery of all various sorts. "You guys should sit on the couch, just in case." Josh said. Evan and

Mee'Yaow complied. Mee'Yaow, out of fear and confusion, Evan out of Evanness I guess, or

something.

"What the hells going on!" Mee'Yaow demanded of josh as the whole building started to shift and do

crazy stuffs. "I thought you were just fixing the T.V. so I could watch Gilumoro Guruloso!"

"Aw hell no!" Josh said. "I was turning it into a control station for my fully operational transforming

spaceship. I have to go find a DVD." He said casually as the TV remote also started to tranform into a

much more complex looking controller.

"YOU NEED TO TURN THE FUCKING HOUSE INTO A SPACESHIP TO GET A DVD!"

Josh looked at her dumbly. "Well... yeah. It's in space." He then turned away from her. "Duh."

Evan looked around in confusion. "Man. How did you finish this so fast?" He asked.

"I don't get distracted easily, I don't get drunk while doing it, I'm not lazy." Josh replied without

batting an eye.

"Good point." Evan concurred.

"You gotta be impressed by this." Josh said, admiring his own work.

"Yeah, I mean.. The whole fucking apartment... good job." Evan commended.

"I know." Josh said, casually flipping up his non-existant collar.

"So um... space ship... wow.. I go away for a bit and look what happens." Evan said as he looked

around at the changing apartment.

"All this because Evan won't allow you to wish for your stupid DVD." Mee'Yaow muttered.

Evan glared at her. "Shut up woman... I won't allow him one wish cause then he'll get two more and

they'll be super gay! You don't know Josh like I do... oh god the gayness."

Ranko looked confused. "He can't be gay... he and I have a lot of sex."

"Yeah but you are half dude... I bet he sticks it in your brown hole a bunch." Evan said, sounding sure

of himself.

"Shut the fuck up." Josh said angrily. "I am not gay!"

"Spoken like a true flamer." Evan said, tsking slightly.

"I will jettison you!" Josh threatened.

"OUT THE GODDAMN AIRLOCK!" Evan screamed, a repressed memory coming back to him.

Josh looked confused at that, having heard it several times now since their mission to outer space

before with the Jedis. He then turned to Ranko and asked. "How the helled you get in? Once the

transformation begins the apartment doesn't let anyone inside."

Ranko looked confused. "Yeah about that. I was coming to get you for our date, and then all the walls

started shifting, then I was sucked through a big tube..."

"The internet?" Evan asked, amazed.

"No." Ranko said. "Just a tube coming from the wall. It sucked me up, and then spit me out in the room

here. What's going on?" She asked.

Josh shrugged. "We have to get something from space so I build a spaceship. Our date'll have to wait

for a bit."

Ranko shrugged. "So what are we looking for?" She asked, sitting down on the couch next to josh just

as a large control console started coming up from the floor in front of them.

"Oh nothing big." Josh said, avoiding the subject.

"We're looking for a DV...WHOULPFF AAA ow." Evan said as Josh puched him in the nuts

retardedly hard.

"Just this little thing." Josh said. "But it's kinda important for uh... one of my inventions." He then

looked around all shifty eyed for a moment. "Yeah."

Ranko took it at face value. "Okay. So is this trip going to take long?"

Josh shrugged. "Couple years probably. We're looking for an item no bigger than a goosebumps book

in the infinite mass of space. I'd give it three."

Ranko looked worried for somereason all of a sudden. "Is there a dojo on this ship?" She asked.

Josh shook his head. "Nope."

Ranko bigsweated. "Ranmas going to be pissed." She said.

Josh chuckled. "Not to worry my dear. I've taken into account the possibility that you would join us

and there is no hot water in any place on this ship."

Ranko just looked even more worried. "So we'll be out here for three years or so... and Ranma won't

see the light of day for all that time?" She asked.

"Yup."

"So when we get back and I do change into him everyone's going to be three years or more older

including him, and he'll not have experienced any of those times?"

"That's right."

"And you're not scared?" She asked.

Josh shook his head. Evan did the same and smiled. "No stupid cause that's what this whole mission's

about."

"What?" Ranko asked.

Josh judo chopped Evan in the throat as hard as humanly possible. "KIA!"

"BLORPH!" Evan rasped as he leaned forward and started writhing on the floor.

Ranko looked at the sweating Josh suspiciously. And gave a tentative nod. "Okaaaay. I guess I'll put

my trust in you." She said tentatively.

Josh nodded and connected the TV remote to the console. "Right then. Here we go!"

Josh then pressed the ignition button and blasted off into outer space, the Residents of Japan looked on

in wonder and confusion as a apartment building launched itself into the stratosphere and beyond.

The people who were in the immediate viscinity of the ship were vaporized.

9 months later

Jesus, Uwe Boll, Khaphat man, and Pantsman were camped out in Japan's National Only Stadium Ever

eating pork and beans for the millionth night in a row. "What the shiteth?" Jesus asked to no one in

particular.

"I know." Pantsman said without emotion.

"Shouldn't WE give UP!" Khaphat man wondered outloud.

"We can't." Jesus stated. "We musteth completeth our mission... eth."

"But I DON'T want TOO!" Khaphat man declared. "I don't CARE about their POWERS anymore."

He then moaned aloud. "WE can't go ON eating PORK and BEANS!"

"I've already made 50 movies about this, each one more straight to DVDier than the last." Uwe Boll

pitched in.

"You SHUT the fuck UP Uwe BOLL!" Khaphat man yelled.

"Making a movie of that too." Uwe Boll muttered dejectedly. "Probably more entertaining than

anything Micheal Bay could create."

"Mr. Bay actually produceseth some goodeth movies...eth." Jesus said in between mouthfuls of pork

and beans.

"I'm so lonely." Uwe Boll said as he curled up in a ball (and/of cock).

8 months ago.

"So glad we left Earth." Evan said as he relaxed in his space-chair and drank a space-beer. "Everything

is more exciting in space."

"But in space, no body can..." Mee'Yaow started.

"Shut the hell up." Evan said, cutting her off.

"But..."

"OUT THE GOD DAMN AIRLOCK!" Evan yelled, punching randomly about the space-room.

"Um... maybe I should get you a space-pillow or something and let you space-relax." Mee'Yaow said,

looking for a reason to leave the space-room.

"Fine, whatever. I'm just going to keep watching shitty space-t.v. and sit in this space-chair till we get

that stupid DVD." said Evan

"Don't you mean space-DVD?" Mee'Yaow asked.

"No, it originally came from earth, therefore it is a standard DVD." Evan corrected.

"But that chair originally came from earth..." Mee'Yaow began.

"Shut your space-hole!" Evan yelled, throwing his space-bottle filled with space-beer at Mee'Yaow.

"I hate space!" Mee'Yaow hollered as she ran out of the room.

"YOU MEAN YOU SPACE-HATE SPACE!" Evan space-screamed back.

"MHREEEENN" Mee'Yaow whined as she continued space-running.

"SOUND LIKE YOUR EX-HUSBAND RUBBED OFF ON YOU SPACE-WHORE!" Evan screamed

louder.

"Um... I'm going to leave." Ranko said, as she had been sitting there the whole space-time.

"Yeah ok." Evan said space-non-chalantly.

2 months later

"SPACE-LAND HO!" Poop-deck willy called out.

"Ar, good finding Space-Poop-deck Willy." Evan said. "I am so glad we picked you up in quadrant 15

subspace C."

"Ar, so am I sir, so am I." Poop-deck Willy responded.

"Sadly, since your task of finding space-land in now complete. I must kill you." Evan said as he patted

the knarled old man on his knarled old shoulder.

"I know sir... I know." Poop-deck Willy said somberly.

Evan wiped a tear from his eye as he stabbed Poop-deck Willy through the gut with a space-rapier and

slammed it home to the hilt to make sure the job was done. "I'm so sorry."

"Gur... gurp." Poop-deck Willy responded.

"I know... I know." Evan said as he laid the man down on the space-deck and took his rapier out of the

man's gut. "WHYYYYYYYYYYY!" Evan screamed in agony. "WH...

HYYYYYYYYYY!" He then composed himself, wiped his blade off on the dead man's clothes

and walked off into the mural of a sunset he had painted for this occasion.

Just then Josh walked into the space-room. "What the fuck! Why is there an old dead dude on the

floor by the observation window!"

Evan turned around just before he reached the wall with the sunset mural. "Fuck if I know." He said

simply.

"Why is there a sunset mural on that wall?"

Evan merely shrugged.

"Dude?"

"I don't know... Poop-deck Willy was like that when I found him here... like.. I dunno... twenty

minutes ago." Evan said casually throwing the rapier off into the corner.

"Why did you have a rapier?" Josh asked, crossing his arms.

"To... umm... rapier things? Totally not for killing Poop-deck Willy. I can tell you that for damn sure."

Evan said as he walked over to the rapier and slowly nudged it with his toe under a desk.

"I saw you hide that... I mean... I just asked you why you had it... putting it under a desk doesn't

change that." Josh stated, beginning to sound annoyed.

"It might." Evan said, nudging the rapier further.

"You are still kicking at it... that is just drawing more attention to it you know."

"I know." Evan said, continuing to nudge the rapier till it went out the other side of the desk.

"Now it's not even hidden... are you even trying?" Josh asked, sounding a bit exasperated.

"I dunno... I was for a bit there... but you know... stuff."

"What?" Josh asked.

"Just trust it." Evan replied.

"No."

"Please?"

"NO."

"Aww.."

With that Evan walked out of the room.

"What the fuck?" Josh asked after him, getting a retreating shrug from Evan as a response. "What am I

supposed to do with this body?" Josh asked himself.

"OUT THE GOD DAMN AIRLOCK!" Came a reply from down the hall.

Josh washed his hands of the blood and Ranko entered the bathroom moments later. "We're going to

have to stop off soon to get more food and supplies." Ranko said. We're on our last Peruvian Clam

provisions."

Josh nodded. "Yeah there's another planet coming up. We'll stop there. I also need to see if I can't get

some raw materials for the Ion drive. It's acting up a little bit. Hopefully this planet has some fairly

developed race that we can get good stuff from. I don't think we can make it to another planet without

those materials."

"Ah. I see." Ranko said. "So how are we ever going to find this DVD book like thing?"

Josh looked confused as he started drying his hands off. "You're only wondering about that now?"

Ranko gave him a dirty look, one of those: "Don't push it mister or I'll deny you sex for a little while

until you beg for it." looks.

Josh chuckled and continued. "I have some advanced scanners on the ship. It knows exactly what it's

looking for and can pick it up for lightyears ahead of us."

Ranko looked questioningly at him. "You didn't include scanners that scan in the opposite direction

that we're going?" She asked.

Josh pshawed at that idea. "Pffft. Of course not. It was in space last we saw it it probably caught on a

passing comet or meteor or asteroid or something and drifted far out into space in this exact direction.

We're good."

Ranko looked sceptical but nodded. "Okay I'll trust you on that one. After all you were the one to build

a transforming spaceship. I'm sure you're smart enough to figure this out."

With that Ranko gave Josh a quick peck on the cheek and left for their space-bedquarters.

Josh bigsweated as soon as she left the bathroom. "Fuck! I should have thought of that!" He said out

loud to himself. He then shrugged. "Ah whatever. We'll find it on our way back if we don't find it

within these 3 years."

Josh then left the bathroom.

TBC

Author's Note: {Well there's chapter 58. Moving on to 59. The next chapter will be highly Monster

Hunter(The game) influenced. Mostly cause me and Evan are playing a buttload of Monster Hunter

Freedom on PSP. So awesome.}

(Poopdeck Willy, how I will miss thee.)

Morden Night:

.com

Evan McNeely:

the movie


	59. Your First Monster Hunt:

Self Insertion

Chapter 59

Your First Monster Hunt: Attack of the Velociprey

"Oh shit!" Josh said as he grabbed at the controls of the ship. "We gotta land bad." He said.

"Cool." Evan said. "I'm getting hungry."

"No not cool." Josh said. "One of the Ion thruster just broke. There's no telling how long we'll be on that planet now, we could be there years depending on how difficult it is to get the proper materials. And if I can only get raw materials it'll take a butt load of time to make the parts."

"Oh." Evan said. "So... vacation for us, fuck ton of work for you. Sound sweet to me."

Josh sighed and slumped his shoulders. "Boy I hope this doesn't suck as much as I think it's going to."

The ship then went down onto the planet below.

The form of the large dragon loomed over Exetar as he touched a button on the side of his lance, extending it to the full eight foot size. "This is going to be tough." He said to his compatriot.

Inuk frowned. "Lao-Shun has never made it this far before." He said as he propped his massive sword on his shoulder, being careful not to displace his armor.

"Yeah, lucky we got here in time." Exetar responded readying his tower shield.

"Yeah." Inuk muttered absentmindedly. "What the hell is that?" He said, lifting his sword with ease and pointing to the sky.

"What the hell? Looks like some kinda meteor or something..." Exetar said squinting to avoid the glare of the object as it burned its way to the ground.

"Looks like it's kinda headed this way." Inuk said, sounding a bit worried.

"Yeah... we should maybe move..." Exetar said worriedly.

"Ok." Inuk hastily responded.

With that the pair rushed away from the oncoming dragon and the strange meteor in the sky.

"Um... just wondering..." Mee'Yaow started. "What if this planet has no air?"

Evan glared at her venomously. "That's stupid. All planets have air dumbass."

"But... what about Mars..." Mee'Yaow timidly replied.

"You shut the hell up! Mars is a lie!" Evan yelled as their spaceship hurtled towards the new planet.

"But... I watched this show on it..." said Mee'Yaow.

"Guys, mind shutting up." Josh said, seeming to be focused on something else. "From what the scanners are saying there are some pretty big lifeforms here... so air is probably not an issue."

"Well what's shutting up got to do with that?" Evan asked. "We should be able to argue all the time. IT'S OUR RIGHT AS AMERICANS!"

"Canadian" Ranma interupted.

Evan responded with a very menacing pointed index finger in her direction accompanied by a very angry glare.

"Actually" Josh said. "I need to concentrate on this landing cause if something hits us before we land, or if I don't land properly, we'll explode... an Io-Nucler Explosion."

"That bad?"

"It'll kill us and all life on this side of the planet." Josh said curtly.

"I could live with that." Evan said smugly.

"No you couldn't... you'd be dead." Josh said simply.

"Oh... huh... never thought of that..." said Evan.

"Yeah... didn't think you did." remarked Josh as he attempted to bring the ship under control to land it.

"What's that?" Mee'Yaow asked pointing at the view-screen.

"Um... I don't know." Josh said, staring at the form on the screen. "Looks like some kinda dragon or something."

"IT'S COMING RIGHT FOR US!" Evan yelled as he grabbed Mee'Yaow and shook her violently. "IT'S! COMING! RIGHT! FOR! US!"

"Actually, we are coming right for it." Josh said trying to pull up on the controls.

THUNK!

"I think we hit it." Evan stated as he stopped giving Mee'Yaow a late case of shaken baby syndrome.

"Yeah... and we're ok... so far." Josh said, sounding both confused and relieved as he started typing things into the computer console.

"Aww... I wanted to be a part of a Iomatic Nuclear hexplosion." Evan said, sounding dejected.

"Actually it just knocked off the mega condensor. Now we can't explode." He said, looking up some diagnostics. "Unfortunately without the mega condensor we also can't take off from this planet." He finished, closing up the computer terminal.

Ranko gasped, Evan stood up in a very epic and superhero like maneuver. Mee'Yaow shrugged.

"WE HAVE TO FIND THE MEGA CONDENSOR!" Evan yelled.

Evan blinked as he realized that everyone was looking at him. He then took a deep breath. "I SAID! We have to..."

POINK!

Mee'Yaow kicked Evan in the balls and started dragging him out of the cockpit. "Again with the boots!" Evan screamed as he was dragged off. "Where do you keep getting these boots!?"

Josh smiled as he realized the colossal distraction that is Evan was finally gone. "Finally." He muttered as he got back to piloting the ship.

Exetar and Inuk stared in bewilderment as the meteor that they had spotted started to turn in mid air. "Exetar my compatriot." Inuk started.

"Yeah..." Exetar asked. Still mesmerized by the glowing ball of fire in the distance headed for the mountains in the distance.

"You should move." Inuk added as he started running.

"Huh?" Exetar said as he looked up, only to see that Lao-Shan was falling over... right towards them. "Oh..."

Exetar then joined Inuk in running.

"There we go." Josh said as he landed the ship in a conveniently large clearing. "Nice and smooth."

Just then the ship landed hard and jerky. Josh then powered down the ship, turning it back into it's apartment building mode. Josh then stretched, got off of the couch and left to find the others.

"So where are we now?" Evan asked as he looked around.

Josh shrugged. "Some random planet." He offered weakly.

"Lotsa forests... and hills." Evan said distractedly. "Looks like lotsa raptors and crap." He said pointing off at a bush where something had just disappeared into the foliage.

"Raptors?" Mee'Yaow asked, sounding scared. "Like the dinosaur?"

"No like the bunny... of course the dinosaur retard." Evan said, lightly slapping his head in mockery of the cat-girl. "Fuck you are dumb sometimes... don't even know why I have sex with you."

With that Mee'Yaow ran back into the spaceship crying.

"Nice." Josh commented, watching the raptor bush.

"Thanks." Evan replied, taking the sarcastic remark as a compliment.

"I was being sarcastic."

"I know." Evan said wandering towards the bush. "Anywho I'ma go kill me some raptors. I'm hungry."

"You are going to eat a raptor?" Ranko asked.

"Yeah... why?" Evan asked over his shoulder.

"Well maybe raptor meat isn't good for people..." Ranko suggested.

"One way to find out. Hold the fort and watch whiny vagoo-face back in the ship.. She may start throwing things around all mopey like." Evan said as he cracked his knuckles and wandered off into the brush.

"Shouldn't you go with him?" Ranko said to Josh. "He might die."

"Nah, he'll be fine." Josh said with a shrug as he turned to go back into the ship. "Sides, I got work to do... need to figure out how much of the ship can be compromised."

A short while later.

"Stomping randomly through the brush is hot work." Evan complained to himself as he knocked some especially large foliage out of his way with a random hip high bone he had found. "I should have brought a drink or something."

All of a sudden one of the bushes rustled violently to his left.

"The fuck." Evan mumbled, readying his improvised bone club. "I'm going to kill whatever is in that bush." He said happily.

"Merrow?" Came the reply from the bush.

Evan dropped his club to his side. "Mee'Yaow?"

"Merrrooow."

"Mee'Yaow?" Evan replied, sounding agitated.

"Merrrrrrrrrrrooooooowww."

"Are you in heat?"

Suddenly from the bush burst a small cat standing on it's hind legs and carrying a stick with a big plushy looking paw on the top.

"ABOMINATION!" Evan screamed as he swiftly beat the thing in it's face with the club sending it flying backwards and spinning around.

"RRRAOW!" The thing cried in pain as it quickly regained footing and started to burrow into the ground.

"NO YOU DON'T DINNER KITTY!" Evan yelled as he lunged for the thing swinging his club wildly.

"Rrrrraow." The cat-thing responded as it eluded Evan's club and fully immersed itself into the ground and disappeared.

"Fuck..." Evan muttered as he stood up and dusted himself off. "Almost had kitty din dins."

"Warrak?" Came a reply from behind him.

"Warrak?" Evan said to himself as he turned around, revealing a large featherless chicken beast. Evan gaped. "The fuck is this shit?"

"WARRRAK!" The chicken beast replied stomping the ground as it jumped up and down and fluffing out it's ears. The pink scaly beast then quickly turned and lashed out with it's tail, catching the surprised Evan off guard and sending him hurtling through the brush.

"Shiiiiiit!" yelled Evan as he flew.

"WARRRAK!" The Chicken beast screamed as it vomited some fire in front of it for no reason.

Evan rolled as he hit the ground and regained his footing. "Chicken beast must DIIIIEE!" He hollered as he immediately started running towards the beast, club in hand.

Just as Evan reached the creature and brought his club to bear the creature spun around again, sending Evan flying off in the opposite direction as the thing's tail impacted with Evan's back.

"Fuuuuuuuck!" Evan yelled as he was launched through the air.

Rolling again as he landed Evan attempted the same tactic, rushing forward with his club back and ready to strike. This time he was ready for the thing's lashing tail and ducked underneath the attack and responded with a club shot to where it's genitalia should be.

"WAAAAARRRAAAKK!" the creature yelled in obvious pain.

"Gotcha good did I?" Evan asked as he swung again and connected with the genital area eliciting the same response as before.

Evan brought his club to bear for the third nut shot but was stopped as the creature jumped and stomped the ground, flapping it's membrane-covered wings and sending a rush of air at Evan that knocked him off his feet and into the path of one of the hopping feet. Evan swiftly recovered himself and rolled narrowly out of the way of an oncoming chicken talon. Lashing out Evan caught the thing on the outside of the leg with his bone club hitting it with enough force to throw it off balance and cause it to topple over. Hitting the ground hard the thing began to thrash around in a mad attempt to gain purchase and in the process clawing Evan across the right cheek and knocking him back, buying the chicken-beast enough time to push itself back up using the wing that was trapped under it's side.

"CHICKEN!" Evan roared as he blasted the thing into a tree with a force blast, splintering the tree and knocking the beast back on it's side. "CHICKEN!" He repeated as he brought his club down repeatedly on the creature's head until the right eye burst under his attacks. "CHICKEN!" He screamed as he grabbed the beast's throat and choked the last few breaths out of it's lungs. "CHICKEN!" He cried in triumph as he thrust his blood encrusted hands in the air and fell to his knees in a style much like that of the cover of the movie Platoon.

"Ima eat you." Evan said to the corpse of the beast. "Ima eat you good."

A few hours later Evan arrived at the apartment/spaceship dragging the corpse of the chicken-beast. He was sweating profusely and still covered in some dried blood. "Bugs... size of cars..." He mumbled as he heaved his burden up against the wall of the ship. "DINNERS!" Evan called out to the residents of the apartment-ship.

Josh came out of the front door munching absent mindedly on a hotdog. "You just missed it." He said between bites. "The fuck is this shit?" He said pointing to the dead chicken monster.

"Fucker tried to eat me... now I'm going to eat it." Evan replied.

"Still doesn't tell me what it is." Josh responded, finishing his hotdog.

"The fuck should I know, I just killed it, never bothered to ask for it's life story." Evan said. "Now where the shit is a knife or something?"

"You are going to eat it without knowing what it is?" Josh asked, letting out a short burp.

"Yeah... looks like a big chicken... that's probably what it is."

"Ugliest chicken I ever saw... and it has no feathers... and it's covered in scales." Josh said, bringing his hand to his chin. "Unless you plucked it on the way here."

"Fuck no... I just strangled the bitch." Evan said crossing his arms and turning away slightly.

"You choked the chicken?" Josh asked, stifling a bit of a laugh.

"Yeah... wait... shut the fuck up!" Evan replied, starting to get a bit angry.

"I was here the whole time fixing shit and you were out choking the chicken?" Josh said, laughing audibly now.

"Fuck you!" Evan yelled storming past his friend and heading into the building looking for something to carve the chicken beast with.

Elsewhere.

"Umm... Inuk... that Kut-Ku was supposed to be around here somewhere... but we've looked just about everywhere and we still can't find it." Exetar complained.

"I know... maybe some other hunter got to it before hand." Inuk replied as he pondered the situation.

"Can we just go back to the village and report that it's gone... maybe the elder knows if someone else killed the stupid chicken-wyvern." Exetar said resting on his lance.

Inuk shrugged. "Fine whatever. Shitty though... I wanted to get a beak... I need it for this hammer I'm building."

"Kut-Ku hammer... ha. That would look dumb as hell." Exetar laughed as the pair started to make their way back towards the village.

"Yeah but it'll certainly help me out if any Rathalos attack the town. Besides I've never really cared about aesthetics." Exetar said as they came out of the pathway they were walking.

As both of the monster hunters looked up they froze in their tracks and stared wide eyed. "Has that always been there?" Exetar asked.

"It wasn't here yesterday when we were exterminating the Bullfango." Inuk replied as they started walking again, towards what looked like a very strange building. "That looks like a pretty complex building."

"Not even a whole village would be able to erect something of that scale in a single night." Exetar said as he walked right up to the front of it and tapped on it with his knuckles. "And it looks like it's made of metal mostly."

"Look!" Inuk said, pointing just past the building. "It's the Kut-Ku."

Exetar readied his weapon but put it away as soon as he saw the corpse. "Holy... It's been completely stripped of it's flesh."

"Yeah." Evan said. Startling the both of them. "And just as I suspected it tastes like chicken."

"My god!" Inuk exclaimed as he put his sword away. "How long have you been standing there?" He asked.

Evan shrugged. "Iunno. Hey, what's with the armor?" He asked. Noticing that the both of them were wearing blue scaley armour.

Exetar spoke first. "We need it for protection. These hills are often visited by all sorts of monsters."

Evan pointed towards the Kut-Ku. "Like the chicken lizard thing there?" He asked.

Exetar raised his eyebrows at that. "That's a Kut-Ku sir... are you, not from around here? It's a very common Wyvern."

Evan laughed. "Oh man. You call that a Wyvern!? It's barely a chicken! Bwa ha ha ha!" Evan then pointed into the sky at a Wyvern passing by. "Now that I could call a Wyvern more easily."

Exetar and Inuk whirled around startled at what the foreigner was pointing at. "My god." Exetar said. "It's a Rathalos."

"And it's headed right for Kokoto village." Inuk finished. "There's no one there that could possibly defend against it!" He said excitedly.

"Shhhhhh!" Exetar said, covering Inuk's mouth with his hand. "You don't want it to hear us do you? Maybe it'll pass the village by."

"Think I can hit it with this rock?" Evan said. Holding up a simple stone.

Exetar and Inuk looked back at their strange discovery who was wiggling his eyebrows at the moment while tossing the stone up and down.

"Fifty bucks I hit it right in the nuts." Evan said before gearing back and hurling the stone, ignoring the two hunters pleas.

Exetar and Inuk watched as the stone sailed seemingly in slow motion towards the Rathalos and then hit it, right in the eye, stunning it, and sending it spiraling down towards the ground.

Before it hit the ground, it readjusted itself mid-flight and began hovering as it eyed Evan with angry eyes. Exetar and Inuk unsheathed their weapons again and prepared for the fight of their life as the Rathalos charged them from the air.

"ROAAAAAR!" SMASH! The Rathalos landed heavily on the ground sliding a little bit from its momentum and kicking up a great deal of dirt and rock. Its head whipped back and forth frantically as if searching as its pupils dilated and expended and its mouth frothed. It looked at Evan, then Inuk, and Exetar and back again.

Josh just then came out of the aparto-ship and looked up at the monster. "What's going on? Another one?"

The Rathalos whipped its head towards Josh and then towards the building. It roared again, shaking it's head in a rage and scraping a claw along the ground before charging frantically towards the buildings wall.

The giant wyvern slammed against the wall and wailed as it did no damage to it. It scratched it with a claw, slammed it's body into it again and then let off a giant fireball at it while flapping it's wings once sending it backwards all in short succession.

The wyvern screamed in rage and frustration and then attacked the building again and again and again, completely ignoring the people around. "Hmmmm." Josh said, crossing his arms and putting a finger on his chin. "It seems to be attracted here by the ship... or something in the ship anyway."

Evan walked over to Josh. "So what is it?" He asked.

Josh frowned slightly. "Not sure, could be anything." Josh then gasped.

Everyone looked over at the attacking Rathalos as a crack in the buildings wall started to appear. Josh then got into a ready stance. "Shit. That thing's pretty strong! At the rate he's going he might actually do some real damage with time."

Ranko just then exited the building. "Josh what's all that banging! I told you I was trying to take a nap!" She said angrily as she wiped at her eyes.

"Never mind that right now sweetheart. I've got business to take care of." Josh responded as he got ready to charge the beast. He then looked over at Evan. "Evan?"

Evan nodded and then they both charged the Rathalos.

Inuk looked to his partner and they both nodded to each other. Before they could run in to join the two martial artist force weilders the Rathalos fell at their feet. It gurgled once and then it's head fell, dead. Evan and Josh then burst forth out of the Rathalos back, covered in gore and not a scratch on them.

Inuk and Exetar stared in amazement and dropped their weapons in shock. "They..." Inuk started. "They just..."

Exetar took a step back. "They just killed a Rathalos BARE HANDED!" He screamed.

"FUCK YEAH WE DID!" Evan yells as he stepped forward and tore the Rathalos head right off of it's neck with only a little effort. "RAAARGH! I'M PREDATOR! I CLAIM THIS AS MY TROPHY!"

Josh stepped out of the man made orifice in the Rathalos' back and walked to Ranko, wiping some Rathalos guts off his face and flicking it away. "Guess I'm going to need a bath now." He then turned back to Evan. "Hey. Do me a favour and bring me in a few samples. Scales, brain tissue, bone marrow. The works."

Evan sighed and dropped the head. "Ugh... Do I have to?" He whined as he slumped over.

Josh nodded and smiled. "Yup! If you don't mind."

"I DO!" Evan called before taking off. "Suck on that! Suckaaaa!" He called as he leaped away into the forest... and the hills.

Josh sighed and headed towards the giant corpse. "I figured I'd have to get it myself. The jerk..." He mumbled.

He then turned to Exetar and pointed to the carving knife on his waist. "Mind if I borrow that?" He asked.

Exetar perked up, still distracted by the earlier display. "Huh? Oh! Yes! Of course! As you wish!" He cried as he took the knife off his belt and threw it at Josh's feet as he took a fearful step back.

"Thanks!" Josh said as he picked it up and started carving.

Exetar looked over to Inuk. "Who... what are these people?" He asked in a hushed tone.

Inuk shook his head. "I know not. We must leave though and tell the village elder." Exetar nodded frantically and then the pair picked up their weapons and left.

Author's Notes: {Well this one was a long time in the making. Evan and I wrote 59 and 60 a LONG while back, but the last section of 59 got lost so there was an odd gap we had to fill before we could publish it and continue on. We kinda forgot what we had done...}

(Evan is not here right now. If you'd like to leave a message please do so after the tone. TOOOONE!)

Morden Night: mordennight

.com

Agasaki Ishano: evanthewanderer

u/77895/Agasaki-Ishano


	60. Attack of The Penis Monsters

Self Insertion

Chapter 060

Attack of The Penis Monsters

Josh looked interested as he looked at the microscope eyepiece things. "This is interesting." He said.

"You definitely look like you're interested." Ranko, who was sitting beside him, said. "What's so interesting?"

"This thing's like... totally like a dragon." Josh said.

"It's actually a Wyvern." Evan said. "Just letting you know that you're an idiot is all."

Josh gave Evan the finger. "Whatever dude. I never said it was a dragon, just that it's like one, which leads me to believe that it may be possible that there actually are dragons on this world." josh then gave an impressive nod. "That's pretty cool."

"And dangerous." Ranko added.

Josh rolled his eyes. "Yeah well not for me or Evan. Because of our supoer powers and abilities we're pretty much more than they'll ever be able to handle... Unless they totally swarm us by the thousands or millions."

"Ha!" Evan stated. "As if that would ever happen. Man that's retarded. These people get along just fine living in this world and they're wimps. My guess is that they're pretty scarce, or at least they keep to themselves pretty well."

Just then there was a knock on the door. Josh looked up at a monitor and noticed on the security screen that the two hunters from before were frantically knocking on the door. "Huh. Those guys are back."

Josh then pressed a button and spoke. "What do you want!?" Josh demanded.

The hunters looked startled by the voice, not expecting it, especially not amplified and right in front of them like that. "Let us in!" Inuk said. "There's more coming!"

"More what?" Josh asked.

"Monsters!" Exetar added. "They're coming right for your building!"

Josh sighed and turned off the intercom, shutting them up. "I guess we should go out and help them. Besides, I think they would be useful in helping us find the materials we need on this primitive planet."

Evan followed close behind his friend on the way out to help against the Wyverns. "I wonder if it's chicken or pork..."

"Be careful." Ranko called out.

"Don't worry. I'll be fine." Evan said.

Ranko looked annoyed. "Not you."

"Your woman is a bitch." Evan said as the pair stepped outside the apartment.

"Shut the fuck up... at least I'm not yiffing some furry lover's dream." Josh retorted.

"Heh... yeah... god, what has become of me?" Evan said as he looked up into the sky for the monsters. "Wow... they were NOT kidding when they said lots." Evan said pointing upwards at the mass of flying creatures that was slowly blotting out the sun.

"Huh... I wonder what they call those greenish ones.. look kinda like that Rathawhatsis I ripped the head off of." Josh wondered outloud.

"I am not going to be hungry for a long time." Evan said cracking his knuckles.

"Seems like more on the way." Josh mentioned casually as he pointed to the ground at some oncoming wyverns.

"Ugly as shit." Evan said of the ground wyverns. "Kinda look like bleached white wangs on legs."

Josh chuckled. "Heh, kinda do."

"They are called Khezu, and they are more deadly than they look." came Inuk's voice from behind them.

"Oh, local yokal is going to help?" Evan said with a smirk.

Inuk frowned. "You'll need the help. You don't know what these creatures are. I've seen most of them and know the names of the others."

"Killed any?" Josh asked.

Inuk pointed to an ungainly creature with a large crystal attached to it's head that was rushing towards the apartment with it's head flapping wildly side to side, purple goo flying from it's mouth. "That is a Gypceros, me and my partner have killed a few of them, their spittle is toxic and the rock on it's brow can emit a bright flash of light."

"Heh, partner." Evan chuckled before regaining some seriousness. "Wonder why they are coming here?"

"I don't know." Inuk answered quickly. "They normally do not congregate like this."

"Well, enough standing around." Evan said staring down the Gypceros as it got nearer. "Let's kill these abominations."

"Ok." Josh said casually. "I'll take the sky, you take the ground?" He offered to Evan.

"Deal." Said Evan as he began to rush directly towards the Gypceros.

"How are you going to deal with the Rathians in the sky? Are you a gunner?" Inuk asked.

"Kinda." Josh said bringing out a remote control. Quickly tapping some buttons he frowned. "Any second now." He muttered to himself.

"What is going to happen?" Inuk asked curiously.

"You'll see." Josh replied absent minded as he tapped some more buttons. "Oh you'll see." With that he triumphantly pressed one last button.

As the button was pushed the top part of the apartment shifted and started to seperate, revealing what seemed to be a large pillar.

"Is that... a gun?" Inuk asked in amazement.

"Not exactly. I call it a Neuro-shift Cannon. It was originally built to neutrallize the crew of another ship, if we came across one during our travel, but I suppose these Rathithingers will have to do." Josh said as a loud hum was heard from the tip of the pillar.

"What does it do?" Inuk asked, sounding baffled.

"Watch." Josh said as the pillar emitted a large ball of light that rose towards the rathians quickly. The ball got to the middle of the pack and erupted in a blinding pulse of light. "Oh, cover your eyes." Josh said slightly after the fact. "And watch out for falling Wyverns."

"What?" Inuk asked, rubbing his eyes vigorously to attempt to gain sight after being blinded by the light.

"The Rathimajiggers are now experiencing a total nervous shutdown... I assume that it will greatly disrupt their ability to fly. As such, they will be falling. We should go inside." Josh curtly remarked as he guided the blind Inuk back into the apartment. "The top of the building is quite well armored and should protect us all right."

Evan grinned as he drop kicked the Gypceros in the gut, making it puke poison and rear back screaming. "WHATAA!" He screamed in an imitation of Bruce Lee as he force pushed the creature back into one of the white penis monsters that Inuk had called a Khezu and watched as the Gypceros was quickly electricuted by the Khezu. *Poison and Electricity, crazy creatures around here... wonder how Josh did?*

The Khezu that had electrified the Gypceros quickly shrugged the now corpse of the Gypceros off of it and began barreling towards Evan, the only other Khezu doing the same from Evan's left side. When they drew near enough Evan merely jumped, avoiding both and letting them run into each other, send a few sparks and jolts of electricity flying. "SHOCKING!" Evan announced in a display of terrible humor as he fell downwards and used his momentum and a good dose of the Force to drive his knees into the skulls of the two Khezu, spilling brain matter and wrecking his pants. "And I liked these pants too..." Evan griped as he quickly looked around for more wyverns and, when he saw none, headed back to the apartment.

All of a sudden five more Wyverns burst from the nearby bushes and trees, two of them looked like shark-fish-birds, one looked like a horse-unicorn-lizard, and the other two were bigger more penisy versions of the penis monsters.

Evan farted as all five Wyverns started charging him. "Bring it BITCHES!" He screamed, just before a large pile of Rathians, Rathalos, and Kut-Ku fell from the sky crushing the other Wyverns and seriously injured themselves in the fall.

All the Wyverns that were still alive started writhing in agony from their injuries. Evan then jumped in on the pile and started kicking heads as hard as he could. As the Severed heads flew Josh came out, ducking a random Rathian head, holding a big device in his arms.

"Hey." Josh said, setting the gun like device up. "Leave one of the Rathalos alive for me. I want to see why there's so many of them coming straight for here."

"And preform some inhumane tests?" Evan asked, slowly crushing a Kut-Ku's head.

Josh nodded. "One or two."

"Excellent" Evan said as he grabbed a nearby Rathalos, that was starting to stand up and tossed it towards Josh as hard as he could.

Josh jumped up, caught the Rathalos by it's neck and slammed it on the ground, stunning it. He then pointed the gun thing at it and fired, sending some sort of electric looking blast at it the appeared to make the Rathalos go stiff. "In the bag." he said.

"Ready to go!" Evan added, killing the last of the remaining Rathians.

"Josh then struck a cocky pose. "We be fast."

"AND THEY BE SLOW!" They both added together thrusting out a pointed index finger each at the downed behemoth.

Inuk and Exetar left the building just then and noticed them standing triumphant over a field full of what looked to be almost 50 or so Wyverns of various types and sizes. "My god!" Inuk started as he slowly walked towards Josh. "What are you?"

Josh blinked. "I figured it was pretty obvious from my appearance. I'm a person."

"Yeah." Evan added, "We're just not inbred, yokel, hicks like you two." He then turned towards Josh. "So what's first, with this one? We gonna skin it alive? Barbecue it?"

"Nah." Josh said. "First I'm going to restrain it as tightly as possible and see why it's here. Judging by the locals..."

"Yokels." Evan corrected.

Josh roleld his eyes. "These two guys." Josh said. "This amount of Wyverns in this area is very uncommon, so I'm going to assume that it's because of our being here. So I'm going to shut down all the machinery in the apartment and then turn on everything one thing at a time and then see which ones make it tick."

Evan rubbed his hands evily. "Yes... sweet sweet torture."

Exetar looked at Inuk. "There's a lot of dead Wyverns here." He said.

Inuk nodded, looking around at the carnage. "We could certainly make some really good armor at the armory with materials like Plesioth, and Khezu couldn't we?" He asked, already really knowing the answer.

Exetar nodded. "I think I also see a Kirin over there."

"No reason for us to impede on these travellers any longer I think."

"No no reason at all."

Exetar and Inuk then walked up to the piles of dead Wyvers and started carving scales, tails, hides, and claws from all the most dangerous of Wyverns in the pile.

The village elder sat on his chair looking out on the village that he had worked so hard to make a peaceful place. He had seen the black sky earlier, before it fell down around the forest and hills nearby. Many people didn't notice it, some that did thought it was just a storm cloud, but he knew better, it was an army of wyverns, and they were heading towards the town before a bright light knocked them all out of the air. He hung his head in thought. *"I wonder what's drawing them here?"* he wondered internally. *"I see more on the horizon, so far away, that it looks like nothing but a cloud, but I am sure that it is another cloud of Wyverns. They'll reach the town by tomorrow."*

The village elder then looked up to notice two of his finest young hunters returning from the forest and hills area, where all the wyverns fell. His eyes widened in shock, he had sent them after a kut-ku that was bothering the farms around the area, but after the Wyverns fell from the sky he thought they would have been overwhelmed, but they looked better than okay. They were strutting into town unharmed, with three Felynes carrying a cart with dozens of Wyvern parts atop of it. Plesioth, Gypceros, Kut-Ku, Rathian, Rahtalos, Khezu, even a whole Kirin.

The elder hopped off of his seat and walked towards the two young men. "Ooooh!" He said, getting their attention. "You two are alive. As much as I'm relieved and glad to see this, I can't help but be surprised. How did you escape that army of Wyverns?" He asked.

Inuk smiled. "We didn't escape."

"Didn't escape?" The elder asked, confused. "Then how do you explain your presence back in the village?"

"All of those Wyverns and other monsters are dead." Exetar said.

"You... you fought your way out!?" The elder said, holding his chest in his shock, feeling as though he might have a heart attack.

Inuk put his hand behind his head and chuckled nervously. "Actually someone else killed the Wyverns. We were just getting some materials since the two that fought them only wanted their meat. They didn't need anything for weapons or armor."

Exetar smacked Inuk on the back of his head. "Idiot! You weren't supposed to say anything."

"Other two?" The village elder asked, intrigued by this.

Exetar sighed and started to explain. The elder nodded thoughtfully as he listened intently to their story. When Exetar was done the Village elder spoke again. "I think perhaps these strangers may be the foretold ones, the legendary warriors that have no fear of any Wyvern or dragon. If this is true, then Kokoto need no longer fear any more attacks from Wyverns so long as they are here."

Inuk and Exetar looked at each other and cocked their eyebrows. "Somehow we doubt that." Inuk said.

"Bring them to the village." The elder said, waving them off. "I wish to speak with them.

"We have to go back there?" Exetar said, sounding defeated.

The elder sighed. "Fine I'll make it a personal mission from me. I'll pay you 5000z if you bring them here."

Exetar and Inuk looked at each other and shrugged. "5000z can't hurt." Exetar said.

"Okay." Inuk said. "We'll do it."

The pair left the Felynes to take the cart and deal with the Wyvern materials and then left the village again to look for the duo of Josh and Evan, the proposed foretold ones.

Josh sighed as he dropped the wings of the Rathian that he had just torn off of a living wyvern as Evan punched a hole through it's skull.

"God!" Josh said "How am I going to get enough time to work on the ship with all these wyverns coming endlessly?" He asked out loud. "At this rate we'll be stuck on this planet forever."

Evan wiped his hand off on his shirt of the Rathian brains and other wyvern goops and walked up to Josh. "Well, look on the bright side. If we attract all of the wyverns on the planet here then we'll have plenty of time to work on it once we make them all extinct."

Josh groaned. "But then we'll throw off the ecological balance of the world."

Evan shrugged. "We'll never be short on food."

Josh sighed and pulled out a remote control from his pocket. "Well I'm going to shut off the ship entirely right now, so we can at least try to diagnose how we're going to fix it. It'll be a lot harder with the ship off, but the Wyverns at least won't be attracted."

Evan shrugged. "Case closed."

"Actually, the refrigeration units in the ship won't work with all of the ship turned off, so all the wyvern meat that you carefully filleted and packaged will go bad in a day or two." Josh corrected.

"Aawwwwww!" Evan said, throwing his hands up in the air in disappointment.

"That Rock Monster meat tasted like ass anyway." Josh said turning around and heading into the ship.

"Rock Monster! RAWK MUNSTER!" Evan sang to the tune of rock lobster by the b52s.

"I hate you." Josh grumbled.

"I know." Evan replied with a smile.

A few hours later Inuk and Exetar arrived at the apparto-ship.

"Hello?" called Inuk as he knocked on the door.

A few moments later a barely clad Mee'Yaow opened the door. "Yes?" she asked.

"Um... miss cat lady... you aren't wearing very much clothes." Exetar pointed out. "And I have to say, I'm kinda surprised... I mean, don't cats have 6 nipples or something? I mean, you only have two..."

Mee'Yaow started and quickly brought her undergarments up to cover her exposed boobies. "Um... er... I have to go." She quickly said, running from the doorway.

"Ok..." Exetar said sounding puzzled. "I mean, even Felynes... they have 6 nipples don't they?" He asked his compatriot.

"I haven't bothered to check." Inuk hastily replied.

"Right well.. Shouldn't we find these 'chosen guys' or whatever?" Exetar said, making quote marks in the air.

"Yeah... hopefully they are still home." Inuk said, beginning to walk into the door.

"RAAAAAAWK MUUUNSTAAAAAAA!" Came a cry from inside the building as a nearly naked Evan came running towards the pair wearing only a head piece that looked like a basarios head.

"HOLY SHIT!" Exetar yelled as he dodged out of the way of the almost naked man, draggin his life partner with him.

Evan passed the pair and the glared out of the small eye holes. "The Rawk munsta is not pleased with your presence here. Leave the rawk munsta's sight so he may resume chasing a mostly naked cat girl around the aparto-ship much to the chagrin of its other residents."

"But um..." Inuk began.

"SILENCE! The rawk munsta will not hear the reasons of mortals whilst there is nekid ladies for the chasing." Evan said, cutting him off.

"Sir rock monster?" Exetar started carefully.

"It is Rawk Munsta, but as you have addressed me by my true name I will hear you out before stomping your puny bodies into the dust as is befitting of a rawk munsta to do." Evan replied, crossing his arms over his nekkid chest.

"We need to bring you and your friend back to the village so that our elder can speak to you." Exetar finished.

Evan contemplated this. "Hmm... The rawk munsta shall go, for the apparto-ship is lame and no longer filled with the meats of the many winged creatures he has slaughtered. I must speak with my ally and see if he will accompany us to your village geezer." With that Evan turned around and bellowed. "HEY JOSH! WANNA GO SEE SOME OLD DUDE WITH THOSE TWO GAY GUYS FROM BEFORE!?"

"NO!" Came a equally loud response from elsewhere in the ship.

"My ally does not wish to join us on our trek, therefore I must go alone." Evan said solemnly.

"Umm.. I guess that is ok... I mean he would rather talk with the both of you." Inuk said.

"I shall confer again with my ally." Evan replied. "HEY JOSH! ARE YOU SURE!?"

"YEAH!"

"OK THEN!"

"He does not wish to go." Evan said with his basarios head bowed.

"Alright." Exetar said.

Much later still

"The Rawk Munsta is not pleased by the shortness of you geezer, he demands a new geezer be found immediately." Evan said, crossing his arms and pouting from behind his basarios mask.

The village elder looked on in awe. "It cannot be. He is the chosen one..."

"You have to be joking." Inuk said dryly staring at the elder.

"I do not joke." The Elder replied as he pulled out an old cloth weaving depicting a man clad who seemed to have a basarios' head fighting and beating a dark black dragon. "He is the one who will rid the land of Fatalis."

What's a fatalis? Evan asked.

"It is a black dragon that terrorizes the lands that we live upon." The elder started. "Even the mountainous Lao Shan Lung cannot stand up to this creature. Will you help us rid the lands of this monster once and for all young one?" He asked. Evan looked thoughtful, he then remembered that he was in the middle of chasing Mee-Yaow and had yet to bone her, which was his mission all along.

"No." Evan said. He then started walking back to the Aparto-ship.

"Hmmm..." Josh said as he contemplated the mechanics of the ship. "So if I put this here and this here... then that should at least dampen the amount of silent noise that's attracting the wyverns." he said as he connected a few wires to some other things.

He stepped back from his working and then pulled out the remote turning on the ship. The screeching wails of the captured Rathalos started resonating within the walls of the Aparto-ship.

"Hmmmm." Josh noted as the Rathalos' head exploded from the noise that only wyverns could hear. "That seems to have just made it worse.

Just then Josh heard the shrieks of several dozen Wyverns from outside coming to attack the ship again. Josh shut it off and started heading downstairs to the lobby, so he could exit and deal with some of the Wyverns that got close.

Ranko stopped him on his way out. "Going to kill more Wyverns?" She asked.

Josh nodded. "Yeah. My last adjustments kind of made it worse so I probably just set off a lot more Wyverns than usual." They might not come directly here since I shut off the power again, but there'll be a few that will be able to get close enough that they could do some damage."

Josh exited the apartment and was instantly confronted by a Gravios, a Diablos, and a Yian-Garuga. "So bigger rock monster, purple spikey chicken monster, and devil horned, diggy monster. I know just the remedy for those." Josh said as the monsters started to charge at him, assuming that he was the cause of their combined monster headaches {Pun SO intended}.

Josh then pulled out a little grenade and threw it straight down the gravios' throat, exploding his insides, he then pulled out a shotgun and jumped on top of the garuga, shooting it's brain through it's eye holes. He then jumped on top of the diablos and slapped a sonic resonator in between its horns. He activated it and the Diablos started writhing in absolute agony for about five minutes straight as blood and black pus started gushing out of its orifices.

Josh looked at the black ooze curiously, walked up to it and stuck his finger in it. He then tasted it.

"Mmmm. nutty."

Josh then went back inside.

TBC

Author's Notes: {Shit... I dunno why I said that... It was the first thing that came to my mind... ANYWAY! We're on chapter freaking sixty... we're fourty chapters away from FINISHING SI! that's incredible.

FUCKING INCREDIBLE!

But yeah. We've been playing a LOT of Monster hunter, and we're only going to be playing more when we get another copy and can play multi player. Right well... INUK CHUK!}

(RAWK MUNSTA! We was at a partah? RAWK MUNSTA! I don't know the lyrics... something about down... anywho yeah... 40 more w00t w00t)

Morden Night: mordennight

.com

Agasaki Ishano: evanthewanderer

.ca


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